//------------------------------// // The Yellow Brick Evolutionist Flies Bubble Gum // Story: PonyFall: Onward Valiant Crusaders // by Fullmetal Pony //------------------------------//         This isn’t happening! This isn’t happening. Panic, madness, pandemonium, chaos; so many names for what was causing my heart rate to skyrocket. So many names for him. He was not real. He was not real. He. Was. Not. Real.         “He’s real,” a voice echoed, but I couldn’t tell whose it was.           I was still focused on the man, no, the entity in front of me. His clothing was merely an illusion, some idea only his twisted mind could conjure up to hide his true nature. Needless to say, it was not what I expect a universal force to look like. Yet, I saw the force he was in his mismatched eyes, his single sharp tooth, and his weathered face. His eyes were the worst, barring on me and drowning me with their glare. Yet, the eyes were uncaring as well, he might as well have been gazing at empty air. That’s all I... that’s all we were to him, nothing.         “Oh, hi Ashton...” Thank god, he took the burning eyes off me and focused on the strange man behind me. “A little tied up are we?”         I heard a rattle to my left and then saw a lamp swing down on the avatar of chaos. It connected with a loud squeek. Wait... squeek?         There was another squeek as I saw Sybil scrambling away from the lamp. I noticed that the lamp had much more sheen to it now, too much for metal and glass to have. Even the bulb looked... rubbery.         I watched as Sybil randomly flailed her arms at her desk and shelves. She’d was probably looking for mace or something along those lines. Discord kept his attention on her. The room became silent like the end of time itself. Slowly, Sybil stopped searching for a weapon and fell into a corner, shuddering all the way to the ground.         I raked my arms against the wall and somehow pushed myself back up onto my feet. I couldn’t take a step though. Any movement and I’d go crashing to the ground... possibly through the ceiling too. The wonders of millions of years of evolution pushed through and allowed me to say the one thing that could land us all in trouble. “L-look, w-we don’t w-want any trouble.” Meanwhile, at a famous Abbey, the corpse of a prolific evolutionist decided to do a little jig and, had it not been for the concrete it was buried under, it would have probably given some Londoners a fright. Discord didn’t turn back to look at me though. Instead, he started walking around the room. At least, it looked like walking, he very well could have just been standing still while the rest of the room moved around him. I heard a shuffling behind me and dared to look back. The strange man was shaking his head back and forth and looking at me with downcast eyes. Is... is he giving me the disappointed parent look? I didn’t bother much with him anymore, he might have just been Discord’s pawn. I shift my attention over to Jane. She probably looked like a mirror image of me: shaking, pale, and frozen in place. At first, her lips moved, but no words came out. Then there were tiny animal sounds and finally bits of a sentence, “Get... girls...out.” “I-I know.” Screw staying to fight, you see chaos and you sprint like the devil was after you... because he was. I slowly craned my head, every motion taking precise control to not degrade into a complete mess of limbs and a torso. “G-girls, we n-need to g—” A blur of colors darted by me and I was left staring at an empty bed. Then I was looking in the exact opposite direction at three girls reaching out to get the monster’s attention. “Why are there so many things on this shelf?” Discord wondered aloud to himself as he pushed back the various items on top of Sybil’s drawers. He looked down and glared at the drawers for a second. He randomly opened one of them and grabbed a t-shirt from within. “Darn, I’ll just keep it warm in these reverse fridge things.” He wrapped the t-shirt around the pizza and then stuffed it into the drawer. “Bu-but... pizza!” cried out the strange man behind me. Scootaloo... Oh god, what is she doing!?   Scootaloo reached up and tugged at Discord’s uniform. He turned and looked down. “Hmm?” “No!” I wanted to scream out, but it got caught in my throat. The words may very well have turned into cement.  Likewise, my arms and legs weren’t responding, like they were miles away from my brain. Scootaloo nearly jumped into Discord’s face. “So Disharmony, do you know why we’re here?” “How come you’re not a statue here?” asked Sweetie. “Why do we all have weird hoof things?” Apple Bloom asked while waving one of her hands around. Run! Run! I slowly eased a foot foward to get to the girls, but I couldn’t move more than an inch. “Yes, because, and whatever,” Discord replied nonchalantly. His voice was different now. Oh, it still dripped with the insanity of a mad king, but now it was more benign and undirected. “Hey Discord, suppose my next sentence is false. Yet, this sentence is true,” said the strange man. I glanced over at him and saw he was biting his fingernails. Well, if it wasn’t being paralyzed or pissing your pants, biting your nails was a pretty good alternative. I snapped my head away from the man and back to the entity of madness. He raised a leg and scratched his stomach with his foot like a dog. “Well, I do suppose bananas are a good source of potassium,” he postulated. Somehow the man kept chatting, “ Okay then. So, 3.41 x 1,3019234 /12347 x 8 + 13- 1804351 x 235-135425 x2 105 + 1- 1243818723847 equ—” “68935013828483769314151163591716,” Discord finished. “Really Ashton, go a little non-euclidean sometimes. It’s fun!” In the corner of my eye, I saw the man look down and fidget with his feet. He had probably been silenced like Sybil was. Suddenly, he turned his head back up and focused on Discord. There was a wicked grin on his face. “How is a raven like a writer’s desk?” Discord seemed to stiffen. His eyes glazed over like he’d gone to another realm, he probably had. His mouth gaped open and closed, speaking unknown words. I didn’t want to know what he’s saying. There was a flash by me. Another blur rushed over to Discord. The man jabbed his fingers into his ears. Go Yes! I yelled back to my brain. I know I need to move, but I ca— Something shook my right shoulder. Jane was rapidly shaking me back and forth. “John we need to go now!” she screamed. Sweetie was in her arms, Apple Bloom was holding onto her friend’s leg, and Scootaloo was being pushed away from Discord by Jane’s leg. Everything happened in a second. Someone was in my arms, a door was flung open, and then the hallway opened up to us. I noticed people were in the hall, but I couldn’t make them out. I just ran and kept running. I slammed into another door which gave way to blunt force. The cold air of an April morning washed over me. I dashed along the concrete over to the small green field by my dorm. I rushed to a collection of bushes and trees and fell against a particularly large trunk. Breathe in, breathe out! Just get back under control! Everything was still spinning and the morning air felt like ice on my lungs. The field was only a couple of yards away from the dorm’s exit and it felt like I’d done a hundred meter sprint. I took more breaths and everything began to focus again and my lungs stopped screaming for air. We were all outside. Jane had Sweetie wrapped up in her arms. “M-ms. Jane, that’s a l-little tight,” said the former unicorn. I looked around more and noticed Sybil got out too. She was white as a sheet though. It was cold out, but not sufficient enough to cause her to shake as much as she was doing. “Ms. Sybil, are ya okay?” Apple Bloom asked. She was the only one freely moving around. Sybil’s grip must have not been very strong. Something ran over my bruise. I clenched my teeth as the flesh was still tender. I brought a hand over to it, only to feel other hands touch it. “I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to do that!” said Scootaloo. She backed off, lost her balance, and landed on the grass. “You were just kinda crushing me.” “It’s fine,” I replied. Luckily, the burning rapidly faded from my side. “I’m just glad we made it out.” “Wow, you’re kind of a pansy aren’t you?” said the strange man. He then took a slurp from a Coke and bit into a slice of pizza. I saw a piece of squid fall off the slice onto his new Pinkie Pie shirt as I nearly climbed halfway up the tree I was resting on. “You!” I screamed and pointed a finger at him. “Me!” he delightfully screamed back. It wasn’t fear, but adrenaline that moved me then. I was in between him and everyone else in a second. “You with him?!” He shrugged at my question. “Mostly along for the ride. Guess you could say you and I are in the same boat.” I didn’t trust him for an instant. He talked too calmly with Discord. There were too many x-factors to him. He was dangerous. Yet, he’d been in contact with Discord and somehow hadn’t been made into the quivering puddles the rest of us were. Maybe he’d been around the monster long enough to get some information. “What do you know?” “Well I know a lot obviously.” He flashed me a cocky grin. “But I suppose you are talking about all these humanized ponies and such, right?” “Yes!” all of us except Sybil yelled. She remained silent and shaking. He raised his arms and randomly flailed them to silence us. “Okay! Okay! Sheesh, fine, so you probably guessed by now that Discord is basically responsible for all of this.” “I had my suspicions, but I didn’t know,” I replied. Everything was racing in my head: the girls, answers, and Discord. Fittingly, my mind was in total chaos. “Do ya know how to get us home?” Sweetie begged. “Or why we’re here?” Apple Bloom asked, turning on her puppy dog eyes. The man’s eyes scanned over all of us. His smile faded a little. “Uh... well... er... nope. Discord probably doesn’t have enough juice to get to Equestria.” He took another slurp of his drink. “I think.” “D-does that mean he’s got no powers here?” Jane nervously asked. “Oh, gee, let me think.” He mocking scratched his head then snapped his fingers. “I popped out of John’s mirror here and he popped out of the closet.” He dropped the sarcasm and deadpanned at us. “What do you think? He’s slowly getting his powers back.” “No,” Jane whispered. “Crap.” I slammed a fist into the ground. “Want some pizza?” the man casually asked. He held up the box to us. I glared at him. “Look... whatever your name is, this is bad, really bad. What can he do?” “Oh, well it var—” He was cut off by a scream and then a loud fwump. We all turned to pinpoint the source of a commotion. It was a girl with only a towel wrapped around herself looking outside. Only problem was my dorm didn’t have windows big or clear enough for the girl to be in full sight of us. Then again, you couldn’t have windows if there wasn’t a wall to put them on. The girl, our group, and everyone else around the dorm slowly traced their eyes down to the ground. The ground was completely pink now. No... I still saw grass beneath the pink. I did a double take at my group, the ground, and what was on top of it. The early morning sun shimmered off its sugary form. An entire part of my dorm had gone from red bricks to pink bubble gum. Jane clasped her hands over her mouth. “Oh my god.” “Hmm, how is raven like a writing desk?” Discord mused behind us. “Run!” I screamed. I had Apple Bloom in my arms this time. Jane had Sweetie again. Scootaloo was running as well. Sybil was still rooted to the ground. I dug my hand into her shoulder to get her back to reality. “Damn it! Get up!” No response. I lifted her up and dragged her. We had to get away no matter what. We sprinted out of the bushes and over to the stairs. I must have climbed them in record time, but I probably skinned up Sybil’s legs pretty bad too. It was better than leaving her with Discord though, that would have been a death sentence. We reached the top of the stairs. I turned to look back and saw that everyone had made it up. Now we just had to keep running. I twisted and prepared to sprint anywhere that was away from Discord. Then I saw what was at the top of the stairs. “Got any threes?” Discord asked the man. They were both sitting near the food court with cards in their hands and candy cigars in their mouths. “Go fish,” the man grumbled. I moved to back away and nearly lost my balance. Luckily, a former pegasus kept me, Sybil, and Apple Bloom from falling down the steps. “John! Apple Bloom! Sybil! Hold on!” I saw her tiny legs shaking trying to support us all.   “Scootaloo, get away!” I yelled. “You’ll fall too!” I let go of Sybil and shoved Apple Bloom into her arms. I made sure to push her up though. They both landed on top of stairs with a small thud.  Good, at least Sweetie and Apple Bloom are safe now. I just need to... I felt a foot leave the ground. Gravity started to pull on my upper body faster than I could react. Scootaloo was still trying to keep me aloft. No! I’m not gonna get her out of the way!  The stairs zoomed in on me, but suddenly stopped. I was now at an angle I couldn’t achieve unless gravity had decided to switch off or I’d just gotten hooked up to a cable wire. The former option currently seemed more likely. Then again, it might have been the strange man grabbing my arm. “Oi, you better be more careful Johnny boy. You might break an arm or something,” he said. He tugged his arm back and brought me and Scootaloo away from the fall. “T-thanks,” we both croaked. The other two Crusaders rushed over to Scootaloo and hugged her. “Thank goodness!” Apple Bloom cried. “You almost fell again!” Tears ran down Sweetie’s face. A large, unnatural sound like a dying elephant encased in water reverberated around us. I noticed a few camera phone flashes around us. Discord didn’t seem to mind. He merely silenced what I assume to be a belch and then his eyes glazed over again. I saw his tongue flick around and occasionally coil around his snaggle tooth. “No... it’s not that,” he muttered. I looked up at the man and then at the rest of our group. Jane’s legs were twitching, indecisive or whether to run forward or back. Sybil had a death-grip on the handrail and looked liked she’d pass out at any second.. I looked down at the girls, they seemed the least unfazed of all of us, but they still shook a little. “We need to move,” I said. “You are totally blowing the whole ‘god of chaos’ thing out of proportion,” the man interrupted our escape attempt. “Discord is as harmless as a fly.” There was a buzzing sound, but it was loud, too loud, like someone had given a fly bass speakers. Suddenly, a giant black beast appeared out of nowhere. Its immense wings sent debris flying everywhere. Its grotesque compound eyes gazed at the world as it continued to spastically jerk its head back and forth. People started dropping their phones and screaming. The man just crossed his arms. “I still stand by my point.” The giant fly then proceeded to land on the large window of the food court and cracked it, sending a shower of glass everywhere. More screaming followed. I noticed a few people were still taking pictures and videos. Discord continued mouthing words and twisting his tongue, completely oblivious to the chaos he was producing. I faced the man, heart and eyes ready to burst out in panic. “We need to get out of here now! How do you distract him!?” The man just kept the same calm, I was now leaning more towards insane, look. “Nah.” He waved me off with a hand. “He’s running on fumes as we speak, that fly was probably the last of it.” “If those are fumes, I don’t wanna see more of them,” Apple Bloom quivered. “Regular horse flies are bad enough.” The fly stopped buzzing around and dropped to the ground. It fell on its back, twitched, and curled up its legs. “See?” said the strange man. In response, the fly’s body turned shiny and plastic like. Then, thick matted hair grew over its form. Its middle pair of legs shrank into its body while the other two pairs thickened. Its form shrank and its head pushed out to form a short snout. A long rope-like tail exploded from its back side. I barely held whatever was in my stomach down. Sybil wasn’t so lucky and puked over the railway. The monster completed its horrific transformation and looked around before randomly taking to the air. The man awkwardly coughed. Jane grabbed at my arm. “J-john that’s...” “The w-wicked witch’s pet,” I stammered, not fully trusting in my own eyes or words. “I know. Get Sweetie and lets move!” I twisted to look at Sybil, who’d barely recovered from her sick spell. “You back with us?” She slowly nodded. “Good! Cause we need to get out fast!” I turned around to run down the stairs. “Got it!” Discord snapped his fingers and giggled with delight. His form rippled and swelled, like he was out of Popeye cartoon. “Oh dear.” My eardrums popped first before the ground disappeared beneath me. The world went silent on me. I could still see Discord, with his mouth agape and his mismatched eyes wide in confusion and delight. The Crusaders and my friends were all yelling unheard words and reaching their hands out to me. I reached out my hand too. Scootaloo jumped. Her friends turned to her, but were too slow to grab her. Everything blurred. I caught glimpse of the the flying monkey, the collapsed bubble gum wall, and the giddy avatar of chaos. This was definitely not how I expected to go out. The ground raced towards me. This was gonna hurt. I braced myself even though I knew I nothing was going to help. A snapped neck would be the best I got out of this, The cement got closer and closer, but it didn’t hit as fast as it should have. Something tugged at my back. Translucent orange flashed in my vision. “John!” the orange cried out just as the cement made contact. Crack. Crack. Can’t breath. I drew in air, but it hurt. Breathing shouldn’t hurt. My whole right side was on fire. Something was jammed into my arm. I felt something poking my muscles that shouldn’t have been there. I screamed. I noticed a girl with purple hair by me. Orange disappeared from her back just before everything went dark. ✦✦✦         “John!” I cried out. “Scootaloo!” They had both crashed at the bottom of the stairs with two loud cracks. I was about to rush down, but a voice caught ma attention.         “Apple Bloom,” Sweetie yelled. “Did you see what she did?”         I’d seen it. I’d tried to stop Scootaloo. I didn’t know what else to do. She was too fast, she had already beyond my hoof thing’s reach when I tried to grab her. I’d cried as I watched her fall, but then I’d seen it. It was only for a second, but there were these small orange wings I knew could only belong to one pony. As quick as I’d seen them, they were gone from Scootaloo’s back. They both crashed, but I knew it could have been worse. I then remembered the monster behind us. Why? Why’d he do it? How could he just hurt somepony like that?!         I had to do something before he hurt more of ma friends. “Sweetie, we gotta stop him.”         “I know, but...” She shivered a little. “Even our sisters had the Elements.”         I stomped the ground with my hind hoof thing. “I don’t care! Sweetie, he’s hurt Scootaloo and he’s hurt John. What if he hurts somepony else? I don’t care if I ever get back to Equestria or if I get my cutie mark, but nopony hurts ma friends!”         Sweetie was silent for a minute. John’s friends were rushing down to help him and Scootaloo. She looked at me with focussed eyes. “You’re right, we gotta keep everypony else safe.” She put her hoof thing on my shoulder. “For our friends.”         “That’s right,” I yelled. I turned around and looked at the two villians. They were laughing at the damaged they’d done to us and John’s home. “C’mon, lets show those two not to mess with the Cutie Mark Crusaders! Charge!”         I rushed forward with Sweetie at ma side. The strange man scampered away as soon as he saw us coming. Discord wasn’t so lucky. I galloped at him while Sweetie jumped him. While she was clinging to him, I did the only thing I knew I could do. I turned around, planted all four of ma hoof things on the ground and sent ma hind legs flying out, just like sis taught me.         I heard a high pitched squeak and watched Discord fall to the ground. He was clutching the area where I landed the kick. His body writhed around a little as his eyes watered a bit. I looked over at Sweetie as she dusted herself off. “You’re sure our sisters had to use super weapons on him?” she asked.         “Maybe hum-manes just have weaker under bellies,” I guessed. Then, I heard laughing. I turned to the source of the laughter and saw the strange person walking over. “Ya better stay away!” I tapped a hoof thing to the ground, ready to defend the others if I needed to.         He brought his hoof thing to his head with a slap. “Listen kiddo, shouldn’t you be more worried about ‘Mr.’ John than me? I’m not the one who fell down all those stairs.”         “I...” I felt something on my shoulder. Sweetie was grasping it.         “He’s right,” she said. She gave a glance at Discord, who was still squirming a little. “I don’t think he’s going anywhere. Let’s go help Mr. John and Scootaloo.”         I struggled for a second. I didn’t want to take ma eyes off Discord or his friend. I'd heard of all the tricks he could pull, the way he could bend things around, and even turn ponies against each other. I turned. “You’re right.”         This time, Sweetie led the charge down the stairs. I took a glance back and saw the strange person grabbing Discord. “Tell him I hope he gets well soon. Sorry we couldn’t meet under better circumstances!” he yelled, but I was already back to focusing on Mr. John and Scootaloo.         We reached the bottom of the stairs and raced over to them. Luckily, Scootaloo just has a few more scrapes. Mr. John wasn’t good though. He was pale, even paler than his coat normally was. There was something wrong with his foreleg. “What do we do?”         “We need to move him,” Ms. Jane said in a voice that I knew wasn't good. It sounded like Fluttershy’s when we ran off that one night. She was scared, real scared.         “John!” Sweetie rushed forward. “Oh please! You can’t get hurt! Please get up!” I saw a little red stuff come out his mouth. “No!”         I blinked. Sweetie’s head started to glow. It wasn’t her whole head, just one part of it, right where her h— “Oh ma stars! Sweetie you’re...”