The two-hour train ride to Canterlot went by smoothly without a hitch. Gordon thoroughly enjoyed gazing upon the open countryside of Equestria outside the window of the train car. It reminded him of his many leisurely drives through the hillsides of the U.K. The color scheme of the train was a little too.... pink and sugary for his tastes, but it was comfortable enough, despite being built primarily for people of an Equine build. The only big drawback to the train was that the ceiling of the train car just barely gave him enough room to stand up. Everything was just sized slightly smaller than the human man was used to.
Other than that, the ponies and humans thoroughly enjoyed each other's company, sharing stories about each other's worlds. Unfortunately, Applejack had to constantly keep her eyes and her lasso on Pinkie to keep her appetite from devouring the entire snack trolley that ran up and down the length of the train. Fluttershy and Rarity were spending their time conversing with Gordon's team about the various exotic locations they have been to on Earth with Gordon. Whereas, Twilight and Spike were busy reading and going over lists next to Gordon on his train seat.
Before long, the city of Canterlot came into view as they circled their way up Mount Canter up towards the city. The train then began to gradually slow down as they approached Canterlot Grand Central Station. Soon, it came to a screeching halt as they finally arrived.
'Well, here we are," Twilight stated as she sent her long lists away with a puff of purple smoke. "Come on everyone, let's go".
They disembarked from the train and found many ponies and a few other species boarding and disembarking from their trains as usual. A group of tall bipedal humans at the moment were the least of their worries as they were too busy going about their business to even care.
"Well, I suppose crowded train stations and airports are a constant in a lot of different places," Gordon mused.
"Oh, you have no idea Mr. Ramsay," Rarity dryly remarked.
She grunted in surprise when someone accidentally pushed past her in a rush.
"You should see it during the Solstice Celebrations here four times a year," Spike added.
"Even the Wonderbolts have a hard time getting through here," Rainbow agreed as she looked up.
The space above them seemed to be occupied with flying ponies and what appeared to be griffins of all shapes and sizes.
"I just wonder how you can get to this Canterlot Castle in all of this shit heap of a mess," Gordon wondered as he crossed his arms. "I sure hope it isn't like this throughout the whole city, or getting to that castle might become nasty."
"I'm hoping my presence here will help to avoid that Chef Ramsay," a heavenly voice stated from off to the side.
"Huh?"
Gordon turned around to face a large snow-white horse with long flowing hair of many vibrant colors, a longhorn that protruded from her forehead like a spear, and a pair of elegant wings folded neatly at her side. The one thing that confirmed Gordon's suspicions about this large white horse was the golden necklace and crowned adorning her body. Plus, a pair of guards in guided golden armor and intimidating lances were accompanying her.
"Princess Celestia I presume?" he slightly bowed in respect.
"Welcome Gordon Ramsay," she said kindly as she bowed back. "It is good to see you all made it here to Canterlot. I'm glad to see that you made it back to Equestria safely."
Twilight trotted up to her old teacher and they sweetly embraced each other.
"It's nice to be back Princess," Twilight replied. "But why are you here?"
"I thought I'd come to meet you this time. I do like to get out of the castle from time to time," Celestia admitted. "Plus, Luna is handling....er a bit of a surprise for all of you. While also handling most of my Day Court responsibilities for the hour. She was very insistent on doing so."
"Are you here to escort us to the castle princess?" Rarity asked.
"Not immediately, Rarity," Celestia said mischievously. "I figured that we could take the scenic route through the city, back to the castle to allow Luna ample time to complete her little surprise for all of you."
"A surprise? Oooooh! I can't wait to see what it is," Pinkie exclaimed.
"Well, then lead on your highness," Gordon replied.
Princess Celestia escorted the group through the city, right down the main roads, with the intent of allowing the citizens of her capital city to get used to seeing the group of humans. Unfortunately for her, all that did was earn them a lot of upturned noses and hushed jeers coming from a sizable number of the Canterlot Elite. Most of the middle-class citizens of Canterlot however, allowed their curiosity to take hold as they approached the group to observe them, but still kept their distance in case Gordon turned out to be something potentially dangerous. After a few miles, Celestia guided them down a narrow side street where all of the buildings seemed to be geometrically and architecturally uniform in appearance, each with a hanging wooden sign stamped with three hoof prints. The group was confused when Rarity and Pinkie Pie immediately groaned in annoyance just from the sight of the street.
"Princess? I don't know too much about your city, but isn't your castle the other way?" Gordon questioned.
"And why are we going down Restaurant Row?" Twilight asked.
"All in good time you two," Celestia replied calmly. "I simply wished to show you the first "official" project in fixing the many culinary establishments in Equestria."
"Ugh, fixing THESE restaurants with Gordy is so not going to be fun," Pinkie groaned.
"Gordon Pinkie, but I concur." Rarity agreed. "Gourmand is stubborn, insulting, and prideful beyond all hope Princess."
"Not to mention snooty!" Pinkie complained. "And that glare...."
Pinkie shivered.
"Gourmand?" Gordon asked clearly confused.
"Zesty Gourmand," Twilight replied. "It's a little too complicated to fully explain right now, but let's just say a certain magical source sent Rarity and Pinkie to help one of the restaurant owners around here that we're dealing with a family problem. Or friendship problems as I like to call them. I believe they said that it was a Marwarian restaurant called The Tasty Treat. It didn't change according to what Zesty claimed was perfect cuisine and she gave them zero hoof stamps."
"Hoof stamps?" Gordon asked.
"Do you see these hoof stamps on the signs?"
When Gordon nodded, she continued her explanation.
"Zesty is a restaurant critic that rates each of the restaurants with a certain number of hoof stamps on signs that she has placed on every restaurant here. Much like the star rating system, I believe Earth uses where you come from."
"More or less what America and England use, but I think I can follow. However, I have to ask. Is this Zesty Gourmand the ONLY critic in Canterlot? Cause trusting the word of only one person-er pony is very dangerous in the restaurant business. That's why we have thousands of different people rating food back in America. Gives multiple views on certain restaurants and allows people to make their own decisions."
"Unfortunately yes," Celestia confirmed sounding disheartened. "From what I have been told, most of the professional health inspectors and food critics that were once based here in Canterlot were pulled to the other major cities around Equestria like Vanhoover, Manehatten, and San Palamino by other agencies."
"Forgive me if I'm being rather cross, but I don't buy that Princess. That sounds awfully suspicious." Gordon said. "Agencies from specific cities don't just give up their health inspectors to other cities."
"All the more reason you and Twilight are here to help investigate this Gordon Ramsay. My sister and I can't be everywhere at once and it doesn't help in the slightest that we have to deal with all of our daily royal duties along with trying to properly manage this mysterious famine. On top of all of that, I can't shake the feeling that many of my little ponies have been lying to me about the state of my city."
"Well, I'm not magical, but I will see what I can do to help," Gordon replied confidently. "I will see what I can do about this Zesty Gourmand. After this....feast your sister has been kind enough to put together.
Afterward, Celestia circled back around and guided the group down the correct path and towards the castle. Soon the group finally made it to the castle, where the doors were immediately pulled open as soon as Celestia approached.
The moment they stepped through the front doors of the castle, all of the sound and commotion of Canterlot was replaced entirely with an unsettling silence throughout the castle. While Gordon and his team were marveling at the sheer size and scale of Celestia's home, the princess in question was rolling her eyes and sighing in vague irritation at what was sure to come in a few short minutes. When they finally made their way to the throne room after walking for what seemed like fifteen minutes down a long hallway, they were greeted to a large table that stretched from one end of the throne room to the other, covered in various assortments of food and a certain Princess of the Night waiting for them right in front of it.
"GREETINGS DEAR FRIENDS AND GREETINGS GREAT RAMSAY! Luna bellowed with delight.
She then galloped up to Gordon and proceeded to bellow directly into his face.
"WE WELCOME THEE TO OUR WORLD GREAT ONE, WITH A ROYAL FEAST FOR YOUR BREAK OF FAST!"
"Hot damn!" Gordon shouted as he grabbed his ears. "I think you burst my damn eardrums!"
"Are you alright there pally?" Applejack asked concerned.
"Oh dear, I was afraid of this." Celestia lamented. "Luna! Please lower your voice and don't scream into our guests' ears. You could have hurt him."
"WHAT WAS THAT? OH GOD, I THINK MY EARS ARE FUCKING BLEEDING!"
"Look's like she already did," Rainbow snickered. "Now he knows how I felt last Nightmare Night."
Celestia silenced Rainbow with just a look.
"Oh my goodness!" Luna exclaimed sadly. "We are sorry dear Ramsay. We did not intend to bring harm to thou."
"What was that? Oh good fucking lord, I think my eardrums have burst! Why did you do that?"
"Luna!" Celestia said condescendingly. "What did we say about using the Canterlot Voice?"
"Only use it from a distance" she muttered in a really put-out manner.
"That's right. Now can you please try to refrain from using the Canterlot Voice? I understand wanting to welcome him, but we can't hurt him!"
"Very well," she simply replied. "Allow me then to at least tend to the injuries that I unjustly caused upon him."
Luna's horn glowed blue and two balls of blue light engulfed Gordon's ears.
He wasn't sure what happened, but as soon as Gordon heard the Princess spoke, he thought a bomb had gone off, which caused him to grab his ears in pain. The princesses seemed to be saying something, but he couldn't make it out. Then all of a sudden, the princesses' horn glowed and he felt a soothing warmth go into his ears and tingle around his head. Suddenly, he was able to hear once again.
"Are thou alright now great Ramsay?" Luna asked with concern as she extended a hoof to help him up onto his feet.
"Peachy," Gordon replied dryly. "That's one way to make introductions I suppose."
Gordon grabbed onto her rather soft hoof and was surprised to find out how strong she was, despite her size. He brushed himself off and tucked his shirt back in.
"We are terribly sorry for shouting in your ear. We became too excited."
'Well, at least she's courteous' he thought. 'I guess first impressions aren't everything.
"No permanent harm done thankfully," he replied.
"Didn't the same thing nearly happen to you at Nightmare Night Twilight?" Applejack snickered.
"Good thing my Starswirl hat was in the way..." Twilight replied.
Luna briefly gave an embarrassed look and coughed to regain her composure.
"Allow us to properly introduce ourselves. We are Princess Luna. Guardian of Dreams and Ruler of the Night," she proclaimed.
"A pleasure Princess," Gordon replied as he shook her hoof.
"Now that we have introductions out of the way, why don't we get started with this feast you took the time to put together?" Celestia asked.
With that, Luna directed each member of the rather large group to their own seats at the table. To his confusion, Celestia insisted that Gordon sat in the seat next to her at one of the ends of the table as Luna began to call out other servants. The servant ponies that came out were visibly shaken and nervous about something. They were sweating profusely as they carried trays covered in what appeared to be plates of strangely colored food. As they placed the plates down on the table, they quickly scurried off back to where they came from.
Gordon raised his eyebrow as he was unable to tell what they were just served. What was on the plate nearest to him was a grey blob overfilled to the brim with cheese. Various black specks were sprinkled all over the dish. Presumably, spices had a bad run-in with the unusual blue princess.
"Oh, Lord!" he said in shock as he cautiously poked the entree. "What is this?"
"I believe that would be the dishes you made personally Luna?" Celestia guessed.
"Verily dear sister! Gordon Ramsay! We have seen the Vi-Dee-Ooos of thy exploits in the culinary world and that has inspired us to chase our hobby of cooking in this modern era. Our first break of fast dish that we have made for thou is something we believe thou in America call an Omelette."
He stared at the dish and then back at her for a solid moment with a blank expression, before he finally spoke.
"Well, I can tell you one thing Princess," Gordon slowly replied,
"And what might that be Gordon Ramsay?" Luna asked excited for his answer.
"It definitely has qualities left to be desired. It's like food you would feed a sewer crocodile! I don't know how much pony stomachs can endure, but a human stomach would instantly vomit that backup."
Absolutely everyone in the room went completely silent in disbelief as they were unable to process what he just said to one of their princesses. A pin could almost be heard dropping to the floor. Twilight and the rest of her friends widened their eyes in terror at what they dreaded was about to come next.
"YOU DARE TO MOCK OUR CREATIONS? she screamed in her Canterlot voice.
"Oh dear, now it begins," Celestia lamented.
Next Time: A Royal Kitchen Nightmare part 2