Dear Princess Celestia,
Well I did something that Twilight would never do. You know how Twilight always bitched about Winter Wrap Up and always having to get the ponies here organized so they can get this ass backwards event taken care of? Well even with her trying to organize them, they still screwed up. The plowing was still slow going at the apple farm, the animals were being difficult, the nest making was slow going, most of the pegasi were complaining and decided "screw this" and flew off to Las Pegasus the other day and worst of all, Twilight got bit by a snake down south and has been taken out of commission for a few days if you know what I mean.
Now I know I probably shouldn't have done this but I decided I would just end this shit the way any unicorn would, I used magic. What I did was I shot a powerful bolt of energy out of my horn, the energy spread outwards and it cleared everything up! The clouds vanished, the snow melted, the dumb ass animals woke up, the ice melted and suddenly everything was nice, green and warm. Now yeah the nests weren't done but I went and took care of those in under a minute. Now you're not going to believe this but they decided to hold a special election down here to vote on the event. They did a show of hooves vote as to whether I should just do it my way or if they should continue to do it the same, inefficient way they always have. What is great is that now I will be in charge of the event!
So now ponies here won't have to do any physical labor to bring in spring. I know when to do it and they will just watch me work my magic! That is pretty sweet, huh? Now I bet I could probably cleanse winter on a national level from Twilight's balcony if she compensates me the right way the night before. Now wouldn't that be wonderful, nopony ever having to worry about Winter Wrap Up again?
Cleaning Up Winter Like a Boss,
Starlight Glimmer
P.S. I'm thinking of talking to Applejack about me using my magic to cause there to be multiple zapapple harvests each year. That jam is really good, they make a lot of money off of it and if they'd let me do that, they could make enough money that they could get Granny Smith's hip replaced and I could have more jam. Think I should do it?
Dear Starlight,
Now that is some truly special, doing things the right way! I am so proud to see that you took matters into your own hooves and brought in spring the right way down there. Now I am betting that some of the most old-fashioned ponies are bitching about it but I'm betting that most of them are happy you did it. I can't even imagine how much it would suck having to do physical labor to bring in spring. I would never take part in something so ridiculous and it is obvious that you are just like your mama, I mean me, you hate inefficiency and backwards ways.
Now do me a favor though, when the Running of the Leaves comes along, please let them do it the old-fashioned way first because I KNOW you would totally win that thing because of your genetic superiority, make all those losers down there realize you are even better than they thought and besides, I like seeing Twilight's ass shake as she's running and winning fifth place all the time, well after you join in and win gold in every one of them while Twilight would get bumped down to sixth unless she works harder.
Now I think you better avoid talking to Applejack about the zapapples. I am certain that she is already pissed enough about you bringing spring in the right way but suggesting altering how things involving agriculture to her would likely result in the end of your friendship and you certainly don't want to lose her friendship, do you?
Now regarding you cleaning up winter on a national level, go for it. I'm certain the whole nation will be much happier if you did. You know, I'm honestly thinking that perhaps you should write a spell to reverse that disastrous spell my sister and I cast so long ago that forces ponies to take care of the weather, the stupid animals and everything else. Twilight has bitched about it and I say there is no way to undo it but I know you could. Just come up, study the spell Luna and I cast, write a reversal spell and cast it! I know you could easily do it because of how powerful you are.
Happy You Wrapped Up Winter the Right Way,
Princess Celestia
STARLIGHT GLIMMER,
That isn't the way we do things around here! You are even worse than Twilight was the first time she took part in Winter Wrap Up. At least she tried to do things the earth pony way but here you just wrapped it up in nothing flat. It is tradition to have to plow fields, wake up the animals on our own and haul the snow away without using magic. Bringing in spring our way makes it much more satisfying than simply using unicorn magic to make it easy. Hell I wouldn't be one bit surprised if you and Celestia aren't coming up with a plan for you to reverse her and Luna's old spell so we'd never have another Winter Wrap Up again.
Upset,
Applejack
Dear Applejack,
Look, I'm sorry alright? I just saw that nothing was getting done and figured that I would take care of things the way most unicorns would. I don't know if you noticed but most ponies are happy I did what I did and thanks to a vote by the town, I will be handling this from now on. Now you can continue to force ponies to engage in unnecessary labor at Sweet Apple Acres but for everywhere else, we're doing things MY WAY from now on and spring will never be late in Ponyville ever again. Just think about it though, wasn't life much easier having me clean up winter on the apple farm? You know, I'm betting the rest of your family and all the other strong stallions in town will be so happy to never have to plow snow again!
Cleaning Up Winter Like a Boss,
P.S. Celestia has actually approached me over reversing that spell she and Luna cast so long ago. After all, why should us ponies have to wake animals up from their winter slumbers and why should pegasi be required to make it rain? It just isn't natural! Now if I do cast it, everypony's lives will be so much easier. Now yeah, all the pegasi will suddenly have to get real jobs but I'm sure there will be plenty of work available.
Dear Princess Celestia,
Starlight did it again! Because of her impatience and intolerance of doing things the earth pony way, she used her magic to clean up winter in ONE SECOND FLAT! She has lived here for years now but when it comes to Winter Wrap Up, her and Trixie usually run off to Las Pegasus to get out of it but this year she just had to be a big shot and free everypony from manual labor to bring in spring. Please, I had a good organization system set up and just because she saw things moving along slowly, she went out onto my balcony and used magic to solve the problems.
I really think you need to have a good talk with your favorite and let her know that things like this will not be tolerated in Ponyville. I have come to appreciate the tradition of earth ponies but even though she seemed to appreciate them right after she was reformed, your "daughter" has now decided that our ways are backwards. Hell I wouldn't be one bit surprised if you put her up to it! Now I honestly wouldn't be surprised if you two aren't coming up with another plan to make ponies' lives easier, something such as having her reverse the spell you and your sister cast so long ago to force ponies to have to take care of anything!
Upset Starlight Upstaged Me Again,
Princess Twilight Sparkle
Dear Princess Twilight,
Here you go again! I honestly thought you had given up on the non-stop bitching but I guess I was wrong. Look, Starlight did what she thought was right and you want to know something, I support her in her decision to make the lives of all the hicks down there easier. She did them a favor by using magic to free them from unnecessary, back breaking labor. Also, from what I understand the town took a vote and she will now be in charge of cleaning up winter down there so maybe the ponies down there aren't as hopeless as I always thought they were.
Now are my "daughter" and I making plans on how to make lives easier for ponies on a national level? Actually yes we are and the fun thing is, it will allow natural selection to actually run its course. We are making plans on having her reverse the spell Luna and I cast so long ago since she is the only one with the brains to know how. Once I have her cast that spell, if those stupid animals Flutterbitch cares about so much fail to wake up in the spring, they will starve to death! Any creature that needs a pony to wake it up is undeserving of life if you ask me anyway.
Happy Starlight Upstaged You Again,
Princess Celestia
Op-Ed by Written Script in the Ponyville Express
Winter Wrap Up, always one of the worst days of the year, right? Ever since Ponyville was founded, us ponies have had to engage in back breaking work just to bring in spring. I'm going to be honest, I always wondered why the hell ponies had to clean up winter, wake up the animals and make birds' nests. I always wondered why things didn't operate normally like they do in the Everfree Forest and how it does in other countries.
Every single year I have always heard ponies complaining about it when it was coming and then complaining about the aches and pains they experienced afterwards but luckily, we will no longer have to worry about that. Thanks to Princess Twilight's good friend Starlight Glimmer, we can now watch in awe as she stands on Twilight's balcony, releases energy from her horn and cleans up winter in one second flat. When she did it a few days ago, she even woke up the animals! Now that is truly amazing if you ask me.
Of course the pegasi still had to go get the birds and Starlight had to make all the nests since Rarity is too incompetent to make them in a timely manner. I really hope that someday Starlight will find a way to reverse that spell that Luna and Celestia cast so long ago to make ponies have to take care of everything. Growing up I always found it ridiculous that we had to make the nests for the birds and I still do. My view is that if they can't even make their own homes, perhaps it would be best if they just died and the same goes with the comatose animals. If they can't wake up on their own, they deserve to starve to death in their sleep.
Now I am thrilled that Starlight has been put in charge of using her magic to end winter but still, if you are reading this Starlight, I am hoping that you will use your immense knowledge to write a spell to free us ponies from having to take care of anything. It would be much appreciated, especially if it meant us taxpayers no longer having to pay for the pensions that are paid to the weather ponies that are bankrupting the country.