Moondancer awoke to the strange feeling of something cool, wet, and rough sliding its way across her inner thigh. Her thoughts were somewhat hazy – more than just the normal lethargy after sleeping, more like she’d been drugged – but although it was hard to feel alarmed, she was pretty sure that no one was supposed to be touching her there. Let alone… licking her, or whatever was going on. She kicked her hind hoof vaguely in the direction of where she imagined the offending pony would be, but it caught only air, and then a magical grip took hold of her ankle and held her leg still, spread out to give better access.
This alarmed her enough to lift her head and narrow her eyes, but her glasses were gone and all she could see was a blurry gray form standing between her legs, doing… something. “Hey!” she tried to say, but it came out as an indistinct croak.
“Shh,” said an old stallion’s voice from the blurry gray figure. “I’m almost done with your sponge bath, young one. Then you can go back to sleep.” Evidently finished with her left thigh, he switched to her right, brushing what she now guessed was a sponge down from her knee towards her crotch.
“I can wash there,” she mumbled. “Where are my glasses?” It really didn’t come out right, though.
“Just oooone more place to wash,” the old stallion said cheerfully, a slight chuckle in his voice as he moved the sponge to her crotch and with gentle pressure –
Moondancer bucked, kicking him away from her to smack against the wall behind him, then rolled out of bed to collapse in a heap on the hardwood floor. It was much more comfortable than she’d expected. In fact, maybe she should just… she yawned, and her eyes closed.
===
“So he gave all of you sponge baths?” Spike asked, a bit later, when everyone was conscious enough to move around and gather for breakfast. “He just sprayed me with a hose.”
“He’s a dirty old stallion,” Moondancer grumbled. “If you’d been a female dragon he would have given you the same treatment.”
“Aww, don’t be like that,” Derpy said. “He was just trying to be nice.”
“You can’t possibly be that naïve,” Moondancer said.
“Look,” Bon Bon said. “We still have no idea where we are or what happened after we jumped out of the ship. He can probably fill us in. So just keep yourself under control until we find out what we need to know, okay?”
There was a chuckle from the old stallion, as he sauntered into the room. He was wearing a long red robe made of some shiny fabric. “Oh, I assure you, I can help you in many ways, some of which you haven’t even imagined yet.”
“Can you give us back our stuff?” Spike asked.
He frowned. “I’m afraid not. Your belongings were badly contaminated with demonic energy and had to be destroyed. They were able to salvage the golz, at least, so you should be able to buy replacements. And of course, I have outfits for you to wear in the meantime. Unless you’d like to stay nude? I certainly have no objection.”
“Who are ‘they’?” Bon Bon asked.
“The Maidens of the Shrine, of course,” the old stallion responded. “The shrine in which you now reside, at least until you’ve recovered. We would have sent you to the hospital, but they wouldn’t have known how to drain off the demonic energy permeating your bodies. Don’t worry, I have medical training, so you were in good hands on the mundane side of things as well.”
Spike glanced at the pony’s hooves. “Good hands?”
The stallion chuckled. “Hooves, then, if you wish to be archaic.”
“I don’t want to be ungrateful,” Derpy said. “But the demonic energy was really useful. We were immune to fire!”
“There are safer ways to acquire that enchantment,” the stallion said. “Did you really not realize the extent of your curse?”
“What curse?” Derpy asked, tilting her head. “The demons liked us ‘cause we fought them. They wouldn’t have cursed us!”
“Demonic energy is anathema to the world and all things in it,” the stallion explained. “The strands of fate recoil from its presence.”
“And that’s… bad?” Spike guessed.
“In layman’s terms, it’s very unlucky.”
“Our luck seemed normal enough,” Moondancer said. “We were found by our enemies, but escaped. They chased us, but we got away. We were captured, but we escaped again. And then we somehow we survived the ship exploding and falling to what should have been our deaths.”
“It’s not unlucky for you in particular,” the stallion explained. “It’s an aura of calamity. The ship you were on was destroyed – did you think that was by chance?”
“I think it was by Derpy,” Spike said.
“What of the other places you visited before the doomed airship voyage? Were there any unexplained disasters?”
“They were burned to the ground by the army that was chasing us, and everypony was killed,” Bon Bon said. “Do you think the demonic energy is to blame?”
“Hmm,” the stallion rubbed his hoof against his chin. “No, that sounds like an act of mortals rather than an act of fate. I suppose with an army on your tail destroying everything in sight, mere supernatural disaster had no time to take hold. Still, if you’d continued on with this curse, disaster would have followed!”
“So are we being compensated for the loss of our equipment?” Bon Bon asked. “It isn’t going to be cheap to replace even the items which can be replaced. There’s no replacement for the armor I was wearing, in particular, or the magical rings we’d just acquired from the flutterponies.”
“Oh no, the rings!” Spike said, eyes going wide.
“Ah yes, the rings of the heroes,” the old stallion said, with a sigh. “Fortunately for your quest – and yes, I know what quest you must be on if the flutterponies entrusted you with them – the rings were not in your possession long enough to be irrevocably cursed. They are being purified, much as you were, but it will take some time.”
“How much time?” Bon Bon asked.
“No more than a week.”
Bon Bon nodded. “And how long until the army finds us here?”
“They undoubtedly already know that you’re here,” the stallion replied. “Dark Eidous has many friends here, and they keep in touch. But he won’t send his army here – that whole nonsense is strictly an Old World problem.”
===
The clothing the old stallion had laid out for them was surprisingly modest. Utterly useless as armor, of course, but like most other places in this world, the ponies and other races went around clothed, and it was natural to assume that there was some sort of nudity taboo, although the old stallion insisted that he found it completely natural for pretty young mares to be naked in his presence. They removed themselves from his presence at the first opportunity.
“Do you think we’re really safe here?” Spike asked.
“Not while that new general of his is in charge of the hunt,” Bon Bon said. “This place looks a bit too big to burn down without spooking us into hiding, but we should keep an eye out for assassins.”
“Alright, I’ve got an eye to spare now since they burned my eyepatch,” Derpy said. “What do assassins look like?”
“I think they mostly wear black?” Spike said. “Let us know if you see anypony carrying a giant sword.”
Surprisingly, they did not. At first, the city just seemed like a clean, modern town that you might have found anywhere in Equestria, but then they came down out of the foothills and saw the city proper. The first thought on everypony’s mind was ‘Manehattan’, but Manehattan’s buildings weren’t even half as tall, and most of these were completely covered in mirrored glass. Also, the traffic that clogged Manehattan’s streets had ponies pulling the carts, instead of some unknown engine that Moondancer couldn’t even guess at, except to say that it probably wasn’t steam.
As for the ponies, most of them were earth ponies with a few eastern unicorns, with curved horns and tufts at the ends of their tails. The only ones armed at all were what looked like police, judging from the uniforms, but they all carried tiny cannons similar to Derpy’s old one, only smaller and more futuristic-looking.
Then there were the robots, standing guard here and there. They looked like something out of Spike’s comic books – hulking, futuristic, and very military. At least they weren’t actually moving.
“I wonder if we can buy a robot?” Moondancer asked, as they passed one. “I want to take it apart.”
“Probably not on our budget,” Bon Bon replied. “Maybe we can get one of the carts.”
===
They could not afford a cart – the motorized carts cost tens of thousands of golz, and while they technically had enough for a small, used one, it would have used up most of their money, since they’d spent some of it at the last two towns before their destruction, and hadn’t had a real chance to get any more.
They did buy a ‘build your own small toy robot’ kit for Moondancer to play with. They also bought a book of history, a set of inflatable matresses, and an adventurer’s atlas with all the interesting locations in the world marked and rated between one and five skulls. They got a crossbow for Derpy and a set of steak knives for Bon Bon. Magical staves, armor, and swords were nowhere to be found, at least not in the big box store where they bought everything else.
It did have a café built in, at least. It had been a long time since they’d had fancy milkshakes.
“You should make a bag full of milkshakes,” Derpy said, crossing her eyes as she laboriously slurped hers up through a straw. “Then we could always have milkshakes!”
“Despite the name, the Cornucopia spell doesn’t work for food,” Moondancer said, not lifting her gaze from the history book she was reading. “The food vanishes after a few minutes, even if you’ve eaten it. There’s no nutritional value.”
Derpy grinned. “Even better!”
“And don’t forget the gem bag you promised,” Spike said. “It’s been forever since I’ve had a ruby.” He was drinking his milkshake slowly. It didn’t have the gem sprinkles he usually liked, so it automatically ranked in the bottom 10%, even if everything else about it was perfectly competent.
“There’d probably be some healing value,” Bon Bon said. “Food’s effect on health is a property of the world, not of the food.”
Moondancer closed her eyes for a second, and sighed heavily. “Fine. Bring me twenty milkshakes and a bag and I’ll do the enchantment.”
She was halfway through the spell – the milkshakes arranged in a cicle around a cheap saddlebag, while her horn glowed as it infused the template of the objects onto the magical space she’d created inside the bag – when the café manager came over and started yelling at her.
“Hey. HEY! What do you think you’re doing! You don’t have the right to copy my milkshakes! Stop that right now! Are you even listening to me? Stop, or I’ll call the cops!”
“Do you mind?” Moondancer said testily, after winding the spell down safely. “It isn’t safe to interrupt a unicorn’s concentration.”
“Hell yeah I mind! What exactly do you think you’re doing?” She poked at Moondancer with her hoof.
“None of your business,” Moondancer said.
The manager scowled. “Yes. Yes it is my business, which I’ll be out of if I let every smartass wizard make infinite copies of my stock.”
“It’s for personal use,” Bon Bon said. “And we’re passing through. You aren’t going to lose any business.”
“Why else did you think we were buying twenty milkshakes?” Moondancer asked. “I notice you didn’t mention this until after we’d already paid you.”
“Yeah, well. No refunds.” The manager lit her horn, and lifted the milkshakes into the air. “Now get out of my store.”
“Get your damn horn off my milkshakes,” Derpy said, pointing the crossbow at her.
“Alright, everypony please calm down,” Bon Bon said.
“Everypony?” the manager asked, sneering. “What hick town did you crawl out of?”
“Ponyville,” Derpy said. “I wasn’t raised in a barn, though. I’m a mailmare, not a farmer.”
“Yeah, well, here in civilization, we have rules,” the manager said. “And if you can’t –”
Derpy shot her. The milkshakes fell to the floor, spilling cold, slippery sweetness all around the twitching body.
“Oh no!” Derpy said, staring in horror. “What have I done?” She leaned down and started lapping the milkshakes up off the ground, only stopping when Bon Bon and Moondancer physically dragged her away from the scene of the crime.
===
Outside, in the lot where all the carts were parked, Spike started panicking. “Oh no, oh no, what are we going to do?”
“The same thing we do every time Derpy murders somepony?” Bon Bon said, heading for one of the larget carts with some of the smallest windows. “Run away until things calm down? It’s not like people actually die.”
“Oh, I forgot about that,” Derpy said, scowling. “I’ll have to remember to come back and kill her another nineteen times to make up for all the milkshakes she ruined.”
Spike was not comforted. “But what if they catch us? I don’t have my armor or a weapon or anything! I’m helpless!”
“Don’t worry, Spike. I’ll protect you,” Moondancer said earnestly.
Spike whimpered, and held his arms up to her for a hug, which she gladly gave. “I can’t go back to prison. I just can’t!” he whimpered into her neck.
“They won’t catch us,” Bon Bon said, fiddling with the lock on the cart’s door. It popped open after a few seconds. “Come on, everypony in.”
They all piled into the large, square cart. Bon Bon got into the driver’s seat and stared at the controls. “Alright. This must be the throttle… R is for Reverse…” she pulled a lever into position. “It’s just like an airplane. Pedals for yaw, a wheel for pitch. How do we start the engine, though?”
Moondancer flipped through the owner’s manual until she found a diagram of the controls. “’Ignition’ is the little keyhole on the shaft of the big wheel.”
“Weird,” Bon Bon said, leaning down to pick it.
After a few seconds, the engine roared to life, making the whole cart rumble. Nothing else happened until Moondancer used her magic to shift another lever. “Parking brake,” she explained. At that point, the cart started slowly rolling backwards. When they’d drifted far enough that it was time to turn into the aisle, Bon Bon pressed her hoof onto the right yaw pedal… and everypony screamed as the cart lurched backwards and smashed into the cart across the way.
At that point, the other ponies in the lot turned to look at them.
“Right pedal is the throttle. Left is the brake,” Moondancer read off the diagram.
“I figured that much out!” Bon Bon said, searching around until she found the ‘R’ lever and switched it to ‘D’. She pressed down on the throttle, while spinning the wheel, and managed to turn slightly before smashing into the corner of one of the carts parked next to their original position. “Just a second,” she said, switching the lever again, spinning the wheel, pressing the pedal… ponies screamed and dove out of the way as she careened backwards down the aisle of cars, smashing on the brake just before slamming into the store itself. “I think I’ve almost got it.”
“We’re so dead,” Spike said, covering his eyes.
For a second, it seemed like she hard it – the cart zoomed down the aisle without hitting any of the carts or ponies that hedged them in on either side – but then they got to the end of the lot. The cart careened out into traffic, and was promptly hit twice by other carts trying to whoosh by. It spun around, all bent out of shape, then flipped over onto its side.
===
They woke up in the hospital, in four separate beds in a single room. A pair of police-ponies were guarding the door.
“So,” Moondancer said. “What have we learned from this?” Her neck was in a thick cast, so she couldn’t turn her head to look at anypony in particular.
“Don’t let Bon Bon drive?” Spike suggested. He looked basically unhurt, sitting on the side of the bed and kicking his feet. Half a pair of hoofcuffs dangled from his wrist – after he’d eaten the first pair they hadn’t bothered to replace them.
“Yep,” Derpy said. “I’m the one with the cart license.” One of her hind legs had been broken, and she’d managed to tangle herself up in the IV drip and monitoring cables until she could barely move.
“No one would have had to be driving anything if you hadn’t shot that shopkeeper,” Bon Bon said. Half her head was covered in bandages, including a large gauze patch over one eye.
“Should we really be confessing to stuff like that?” Spike asked, glancing at the cops.
“I don’t see why it matters,” Bon Bon said. “We’re obviously guilty, so either they give us a punishment we can live with, or we kill them all and escape.”
“You do have the right to remain silent,” one of the cops volunteered. “But we’ve got the whole thing on video, so.” She shrugged.
“So which is it, then?” Bon Bon asked. “Slap on the wrist, or prison escape sequence?”
“Not our job,” the cop replied. “Since you’re all awake, we’ll summon the judge.” She spoke into a small device, and a tinny voice replied too softly and too garbled for them to make anything out. A few minutes later, the judge arrived.
“Well well well,” said the old gray stallion from the shrine. “That didn’t take long.”
“How are you the judge?” Moondancer asked. “I thought your job was molesting shrine maidens.”
“Oh, I wear many hats,” he chuckled, “although my work at the shrine is more of a hobby. Officially, I’m the judge, investigator, martial-arts instructor, professor of historical warfare at the local college…” He waved a hoof. “And a few more. For example, I’ll also be your jury, today.”
“And executioner?” Bon Bon asked.
“Oh no no no, dear lord no,” the old stallion said, feigning shock. “If it comes to that I’ll give that task to the police. Now, tell me all about your crimes. And be honest! Lying to a judge is a serious crime.”
“It was all Derpy’s fault,” Bon Bon said.
The others (at least, the ones who could turn their heads) stared at her in shock.
“What? It was!”
“It was not!” Derpy said. “It was the shopkeeper’s fault. She tried to steal my milkshakes!”
“We could have gotten more milkshakes!” Bon Bon said. “I’m so sick of this. This isn’t even the first time!”
“The first time was an accident,” Derpy said. “I thought I could bring him back.”
“That’s not what ‘accident’ means,” Bon Bon snarled. “And stealing your food doesn’t make it self-defense.”
“Actually,” said the judge, “that’s not entirely true. Defense of property is sometimes a justification for the use of potentially lethal force.”
“Whose side are you on?” Bon Bon snapped.
“Um…” Spike said. “I’m pretty sure we’re all going to get the same punishment as Derpy, since we tried to help her escape? So maybe you should stop egging him on.”
“Is it too late to demand to be punished by the laws of our homeland?” Moondancer asked. “That’s Equestria, for the record. Not Castle Town or Moriaz or whereever else you’re thinking.”
“I’m afraid I’m not familiar with those laws,” the judge replied. “Do your people have an embassy where I could look them up?”
“We don’t actually have laws,” Spike said. “I mean, not for things like murder. Maybe for the unliscenced cart driving.”
“Serious crimes are taken before the princesses, who dispense high justice,” Moondancer explained.
The judge nodded. “In that case, there’s no need. It sounds compatible with our own approach, unless you intended to ask for extradition which would be quite impossible since the country you’re naming is completely imaginary. I suppose next you were going to tell me you’re a princess?”
“I’m an honorary princess?” Spike said, with a weak smile.
“At any rate, it’s obvious that your difficulties stemmed from a lack of understanding of our society, rather than from any real criminal intent. As such, I’m willing to be lenient, and offer you a choice of punishments.” He smiled, and stroked a hoof along Moondancer’s side. She kicked out at him but couldn’t see him, so her hoof just flailed randomly. “The first is to come back to the shrine for an extended education in modern society. You’d serve under me—”
“No,” Moondancer said.
“We’d get to be shrine maidens?” Derpy asked.
“NO,” Moondancer said again, louder.
“More like shrine maids,” the judge chuckled. “I have just the idea for your outfits –”
“What’s the alternative?” Spike asked.
The judge frowned, and lowered his head strategically so that a shadow fell over his eyes. “The alternative is for you to be thrown into the Well of Demons, where you might find a society better suited for your current… understanding.”
“I don’t think we want to go back to the demons,” Derpy said. “They don’t have food.”
“Ah, no,” the judge said. “It doesn’t lead to a land inhabited by demons, rather to one plagued by them – this land, a thousand years ago, before the light of technology lifted us up from savagry.”
“So…” Spike said, “we could buy armor and weapons there?”
“Then,” Moondancer corrected.
Spike smiled at her, then asked the judge again, “So we could buy armor and weapons then?”
The judge frowned. “You realize that you’ll probably die if you take that option? You should come serve me at the shrine – we have tea! And little cakes.”
“We’ll take the well,” Moondancer said.
“Yeah, sounds like fun,” Spike said. “This city sucks.”
“Maybe we can actually die there, and get a game over,” Bon Bon added.
The judge looked at each of them, confusion on his face. At last he turned to Derpy. “You don’t have to share their fate. Come with me –”
Derpy shook her head. “I’d better go with them. I’m their healer.”