Sometimes, you have a good day. Sometimes, your asshole boss ships you off to a two-bit town in the middle of nowhere and orders you to prepare a ceremony in celebration of some random holiday nopony cared about for the last five hundred years. I wasn’t having a good day.
Luna shoved a clipboard in my hooves, shoved my ass on board a chariot and ordered the guards to give me a one-way trip to Ponyville. Yeah, I get the message, Princess. You didn’t need to banish to get that done. I’ll take the partying down the notch, alright? I’ll pay a bit more attention to your books, okay? It isn’t like I need to do that since I’m literally smarter than your entire school put together but I’ll humor you, sure. Just don’t fly me off to a town that thinks fun is something you feel guilty about afterward.
The chariot dropped me off in the main street, or thereabouts. It wasn’t even paved. The houses were tiny and no good for any kind of meet and greet. The place was pretty much deserted, which was good, in a way. That meant nopony would be wasting my time. I could get in, drag everyone to where they needed to be, and get out before any hicks had any stupid ideas about asking me to stay and watch the fireworks. Bitches, I make way better fireworks out of my horn than you Mud Ponies could with all the gunpowder in Griffonstone.
“Small town, huh? Kind of cool in a rustic sort of way.” Smolder said, stepping off the chariot behind me.
“This place is dead, and you know it. Just tell me what I need to do so we can go home, alright?”
My assistant groaned and examined the checklist. It was long, painfully long. “Okay, Sunset. First thing Luna says you have to do is check that the skies are all nice and cloudy so we can have a good few inches of snow for the Winter Night Festival.”
“I knew she was old but I never guessed she was demented. How in Tartarus am I supposed to do that? I’m a Unicorn, not a Birdbrain.”
“Hey!” Yelled a peach-colored Pegasus, swooping down and landing in front of my face. “Who’re you calling Birdbrain?”
“You, obviously. Do I really need to explain this?”
She took a step forward, “Do you know who you’re talking to?”
“A Birdbrain who doesn’t understand the simple concept of personal space?”
“The name’s Indigo Zap and I’m warning you. Watch your mouth or you might find it kicked in.”
“Well, if you don’t want to be called names, don’t answer to them, idiot.” I said, turning away.
I got about two feet before she bit my tail and yanked me back. I turned around and started charging up a Stun spell. No point in murdering one of these hicks, after all. They’re probably all armed.
“This is your last warning. I don’t know how smart you think you are, but I’m smarter. So, take my advice and buck off before blast those stupid goggles right off your face.”
She screamed and jumped at me. I let loose with the spell. A cyan ray of pure magic warmed up the cold air before smashing uselessly against a wall. That Pegasus had actually dodged my spell? She then hit me in the head. A burst of pain shot through the right side of my face as I skidded backwards in the dirt. Blinking the stars out of my eyes, I saw Indigo fly up before swooping forward again.
I started charging another spell. I was too late. A hoof smashed into my back, knocking the air out of my lungs and knocking me to the ground. Gasping for air, I raised a shaking hood, a common symbol of surrender.
“Giving up so soon, city-slicker? I thought you Unicorns were made of stronger stuff. Pathetic.” Indigo sneered, landing a short distance away.
“Didn’t… expect… you Birdbrains to fight dirty.” I said, picking myself back up.
“Dirty? What? I kick your ass and you call me a cheat? If you hadn’t realized, this isn’t Canterlot. We don’t duel here. There aren’t any rules. We just throw hooves until one of us calls it quits. And today, Bonehead, that pony was you.”
“Wait, you said your name was Indigo Zap, right?” Smolder said, hopping down from the tree she was hiding in.
“Yeah. Indigo Zap. Ponyville’s Premier Weather-Pony and Shadowbolts cadet. You’ve probably heard of me.”
“Yeah, uh, sure I have. You were in the parade over Canterlot last month, right? Did you get my letter?”
“Nice try, dragon. The show was in Appleloosa that week.”
“Oh, sorry. Anyway, I have the orders from Princess Luna herself here.” My assistant said, handing over the clipboard and pointing to the relevant note. Indigo stared at it for quite some time before giving it back to Smolder.
“You want me to make the sky cloudy?” She asked.
“Yes, Luna does. The order was very clear about that.” I said.
“I get that done in, like, ten seconds flat. Don’t worry about it, okay?”
“You know if I can stop talking to you, okay. Fine, it’s your problem when the Night Guard arrests you for disobeying a direct order from the Crown.” I said, starting to walk away.
Halfway down the street, a cloud drenched me in freezing sleet. Shielding myself with magic, I looked up and saw Indigo laughing at me from atop the offending cloud. I rolled my eyes and continued on. I hope the next pony around here isn’t as petty. She already won the fight so I don’t see why she also has to mess up my mane after I went to all the trouble of actually combing it for once.
Next up on the list, as Smolder kindly informed me, was the catering. That was the responsibility of a certain Sour Sweet, a pony whose restaurant I had just walked into. The place was large but sparsely decorated, and the menu informed me that the food seemed to be a fusion between Manehattanite and Prench. Absolutely disgusting.
“Hi, you must be Sunset Shimmer. It’s lovely to meet you.” A cheerful-looking yellow pegasus said, extending a hoof. I reached out to shake it, only for her to swipe it back. “Is what I would say if you didn’t look like crap and hadn’t tracked mud in here!”
“Nice to meet you too, Sour Sweet. I guess you already know why I’m here then.”
“Yes, so you’ve figured out that this is a restaurant. I’m impressed.”
“Good for you. I don’t really care. You like you have everything under control so I’ll leave you to it. Have a great time making whatever the heck poutine hotdogs are.
“You know ponies eat in here right?”
“Could’ve fooled me,” I said, looking around and seeing nopony else but the owner.
“And it’s really nice of you to have tried to redecorate but I don’t really think that dirt matches the décor!”
“Well, isn’t that a bucking shame. I didn’t know you made your patrons eat off the floor.”
“I don’t but if you’d ever like to eat here, I think a tip might be in order. I have to get the carpet dry-cleaned now, after all.”
“Listen, the only way you are getting Bits out of me if you sell me alcohol first. If it gets you off my back, I’ll even clean your carpet myself.”
“Sure, go ahead. You’d only disintegrate it and leave this place in a bigger mess than it was before.”
Damn. She’s smarter than she looks. Which wasn’t hard, considering she looked like a horizontal ice cream cone with those bangs, but still. Not fun.
“I’m not paying you, okay? If you want somepony to blame, go to talk to that prick Indigo Zap. She was the one who thought it’d be funny to make the mud in the first place.”
“Fine. I’ll go do that. But until then, you are officially banned from the Chevelle Café.”
“Oh no, what will I do? I’ll have to go somewhere where the food actually looks appetizing” I said in mock horror, before leaving.
“Yeesh, what was her problem?” Smolder asked as we looked for the next pony I had to suffer through a conversation with. That pony was apparently a Lemon Zest, and she was apparently in charge of the music. Knowing this town though, it’s country music and I would rather be liquified into rainbows than listen to any of it.
Lemon’s store was built right in the center of town, and it the first thing I saw that actually looked vaguely interesting. Unlike all the other buildings in this town, it was cool. The place was a giant jukebox, complete with music blaring out of it. The music was even good. Never thought I’d hear hard rock in Ponyville of all places.
The doorbell played a few lines of thrash guitar as Smolder and I entered the store. Rows of records lined the shelves and stands filled with every type of instrument available stood to the side. A few ponies examined those. My dragon apparently recognized a posh-looking pony balking at a price tag on a cello and rushed over to bother her.
I walked over to the counter, which was a messy desk coated with bills, unopened letters and half-drunk cups of coffee. A pink Earth Pony with a green mane that matched her desk was currently seated at it, eyes closed and headbanging to metal blaring out of her headphones.
“Hey, you Lemon Zest?” I asked.
She ignored me.
I levitated a flute and smacked her on the nose with it. She yelped and fell out of her chair.
“What! Can’t you see I was busy?”
“Yes, I could see that, dumbass. Do you know what you’re supposed to be doing?”
“Err. I totally do, yeah.” Lemon said, rifling through the stack of papers coating the counter.
“And what would that be exactly?”
“Music. I’m the music pony so obviously whatever job you want me to do involves that. Like, why else would you come all the way to find me?”
“Let me just explain it to you because you don’t actually know what you’re doing. Luna wants you to organize some music for the Winter Night Festival.”
“Wait, what? You mean, like, the Luna? Princess Luna? Princess Luna of Equestria?”
“No, you tool, I mean Princess Luna of the Crystal Empire. Of course, you know who I mean. Here’s the list of specifications she wants.” I said, tearing the relevant page off of the clipboard and giving it to the scatter-brained pony.
She stared at it and, unlike Indigo, took an appropriate of time doing so. Her eager smile quickly faded into a broken frown. “Classical.” She said, “Princess Luna wants me to compose an entire symphony of classical music, due tomorrow.”
“Hey, I don’t make the order. If it were up to me, we’d just be playing what you’re playing now. Ghast AD kicks major ass, actually.”
“Yeah. Still though. This is going to be rough. I mean, I know I’m good, but how the buck does she expect me to put together an entire concert in, like, a day?”
“Again, don’t blame me. Maybe if your desk wasn’t such chaos, you’d have figured out we sent these letters two weeks ago. Have you thought about getting an assistant, maybe?” I said, pointing a hoof over to where Smolder was standing. She was missing.
“Hey, I can barely afford to pay Octavia and Vinyl as is. Getting a roadie is totally out of the question. Nobody in this town appreciates my talent. Besides, I’ve got to close shop now. Tchaiclopsky isn’t going to plagiarize itself.”
“I feel you. Have fun and hope that Luna doesn’t kill you for screwing up. Now, I have a dragon to track down.”
Now, if I knew Smolder, which I liked to think I did since I literally hatched and raised her, she would be doing something impossibly lame. Like discussing acoustic music or drinking tea or playing dress up. I know she’s basically still a kid but please, grow up.
I walked around Ponyville looking for her for a while and I was still impressed by how drab these ponies managed to make everything look. Do they not know different colors of paint exist or something? Anyway, eventually, I found a place that my dragon might be: A dress store. And, due to some miraculous twist of fate, the Flare Garden was also apparently where Sunny Flare lived and she was apparently in charge of making sure Ponyville was appropriately decorated. Judging from what I’d seen so far, she better have a good excuse or I’m breaking out the Stun spells again.
I found Smolder covered in something gay with too many frills sipping herbal tea and discussing court politics with an Earth Pony. I’m going to have to talk about that, that’s the second one today. At least this one was sort of cute. In a prim and proper and prissy sort of way.
“Hey! Quit your tea party. You’ve got work to do.” I yelled, causing both of them to jump half a yard into the air and spill their drinks.
“Well excuse me, who do you think you are bursting into my store and shouting orders like some kind of hooligan?”
“I think I’m Sunset Shimmer.”
“Oh, well, in that case, please excuse me. I was merely entertaining a guest.” Sunny said, nodding to Smolder, who was currently trying and failing to hide under the table.
“You’re taking a break? But you’ve barely done anything? This place looks more boring than, well, having a tea party.”
“I’m afraid that’s the point, dearie. Princess Luna’s orders were to go for a minimalist style. You see, it’s a reference to the Solar Rebellion, in which the harsh conditions brought about by the rise of Daybreaker drove thousands into poverty. The Winter Night Festival commemorates the-”
“Cute excuse. I don’t care.”
“Sunny’s right, actually.” Said Smolder, banging her head while emerging from underneath the table, “The orders specifically requested an iconoclastic celebration.”
“You’re off the hook. For now.”
“Thank you! Say, you wouldn’t happen to live in Canterlot, would you, dearie?”
“Where else would I live? I’m literally Luna’s protégé. Of course, I stay in Canterlot, you backward-living twit.”
“Oh, sorry. It’s just that I’ve heard that it’s a spectacularly beautiful city, filled with art and culture and magnificent fashion. I’d love to visit someday. I’ve heard the ponies there are absolute gentlemares.”
“I guess? I mean, it does have amazing nightclubs. So, if you’re looking to get drunk and laid, you’d be in the right place.”
“I see. Well, I thought that since you’re, well you, you could maybe tell me a little bit more about it, over coffee maybe?”
“Make it an Hayrish coffee and then take away the coffee and you have a deal. For a glass of whiskey right now, I’ll tell you everything you want to know about Blueblood, Fancy Pants, Shining Armor or any other white-coated prick that’s hit on me.”
Sunny’s gaze drifted off towards the floor. “Well, I’ll need to go shopping, but a nightcap could certainly be arranged, yes.”
“Cool. I’ll be back here by sundown.” I said, levitating Smolder out the door behind me before she got any funny ideas about pretending she was Cadance.
The next few tasks I finished fairly quickly. The other denizens of Ponyville had about three personalities between them and those were stupid, ignorant, and pointlessly overenthusiastic. That was, until, I came to Sugarcoat. She was the opposite of all those things. Depending on how you look at it, it was almost a good thing that she was a schoolteacher.
I’d been putting off talking to her because, frankly, I am not too fond of foals. I was one once and I regretted it. My idiot brother still is, even though he’s five years older than me and is engaged to Luna’s niece. How Sunburst did that, I will never know. But, like all mentally underdeveloped ponies, he thought his opinions mattered and he was wrong about that.
I waited until the stampede of colts and fillies was a safe distance away before approaching the schoolhouse. How any education at all took place in a one-room building that smelled like stale cheese and chalk was beyond me, but a grey Unicorn was currently attempting to perform some of it anyway. Her subject, a gangly-looking yokel of an Earth Pony, was currently squirming in her desk while Sugarcoat subjected her to a monotone explanation of how telekinesis worked.
“Hey. I am interrupting anything?” I said, knocking for once because I felt like a change.
“No! Please, oh please come in!” Yelled the filly before her teacher had a chance to open her mouth.
“I presume you’re Sunset Shimmer. I received your letter and the play is ready to perform. All the students know their lines and I can personally assure you that my assistant has it all under control. If you have any questions about that, talk to Cheerilee. I'm busy here.”
“Okay then. Well, that’s four ponies in this town who’re vaguely competent.”
“Exactly. Now, if you excuse me, Applejack here needs to understand Unicorn magic for the test and I doubt she’ll learn that with you standing here and distracting her. Please leave.”
“Aren’t you just a barrel of laughs? Listen, kid, if you want to know something works, you have to actually try it. You’re not going to learn anything sitting in a classroom and being bored out of your mind.”
“I know that Miss Shimmer, but I can’t do any telekinesis cause I ain’t got no horn.” She drawled, removing her oversized Stetson.
“Yeah, I know that. But you’re still a pony. You can still do magic. Go out and, I don’t know, farm something. If Mud Pony magic works anything like mine does, you should feel a kick when your plants start growing right.”
To my surprise, the filly actually started taking notes. Sugarcoat stood to one side, the only expression on her face being a single raised eyebrow. I took it as a sign to continue.
“Basically, all pony magic gives us control over something. For Pegasi, that thing is air. For you Earth Ponies, that thing is ground. For me and teach over there, that thing is everything in the universe because we’re the best.”
“Unicorns is the best.” Applejack muttered while writing, “Wait just one gosh-darned minute, that ain’t-”
“No kid, it’s true. Why do you think we get to live in all the cool places? Anyway, you channel this control into making the land do what you want it to do. Imagine you’re growing a cabbage and-”
“Apples. My family grows apples.”
“Okay, fine, apples. Literally doesn’t matter. Imagine you’re growing an apple plant and you want it to grow big. You tell it to, right?”
“Yeah, we do actually talk to our trees. How’d you know? Ain’t nopony else in Ponyville does that for their crops.”
“Intuition. But back to the point, telekinesis is like that. I use my brain to talk to objects or sometimes particularly disobedient dragons and make them move around. Got it?”
The filly smiled and nodded. Sugarcoat inclined her head a quarter of an inch and twitched her lips.
“I’m impressed. I’ve been trying to tell her that the whole afternoon. Maybe you should become the teacher here instead. After all, I only took this job as a stepping stone to the EEC. I'm sure I could find more capable students in Trottingham.”
“Yeah, thanks but no thanks, I’d rather be tortured to death by some pointlessly complicated contraption in a basement somewhere than spend another minute in this place. Have fun with your play, goodbye.”
With that, I walked out the schoolhouse and back through the bland streets to Sunny’s place. At least this place’s eye-gougingly boring atmosphere made sense. But what did Luna think she was going to accomplish here? Sure, I’ll follow her orders, but only so far allowing me to keep my status as her personal student and, more importantly, the money that comes with it. Hanging around this place sure isn’t going to instill a work ethic in me. Either that or she wants me to make friends, which is something I’d rather be baked into cupcakes than do. Friends are for people who aren’t me and therefore need other people to like them past their looks and bank balance. But I’m me, the most talented Unicorn in all of Equestria.
“Uh, Sunset?” Smolder asked.
“What?”
“You’re thinking out loud again.”