//------------------------------// // Memo Regarding Health // Story: The Potion Shop // by Ashfur //------------------------------// “Good afternoon, Doctor Cross.  I am in severe pain.” Doctor Red Cross of the Rainbow Falls General Hospital (possibly the most reinforced and indestructible building in Equestria) looked at his latest patient.  Arcane was covered in soot, his lab coat was slightly ripped at the sleeves, and a few strands of his mane was on fire. “It got away again, didn't it?” Arca sighed, his ears drooping.  “Yeah… that floofin’ bird always gets the better of me.  Any other avian creature, I've caught one or two, but that blasted duck… I think it's still on the mountain, too.  Anyway, do you have anything for having a giant anvil made of smaller anvils dropped on your head?” “I'd write you a prescription for a pain relief potion, but you supply them.  Just go home, take a potent pain potion- that's a pain RELIEF potion, not one that just causes pain, and get some rest.  Oh, and take this too, and look it over before the next time you volunteer at the hospital.” “Ooh, they updated the list?  I love those, they're filled with fun memories!  See you later Doctor Cross, and good luck with your patience!” Cross watched him leave, grumbling to himself.  “I swear, that colt. Ageless, never sick, and still causes me more of a headache than most of my patients.  I hope he takes his time reading…” THE LIST OF THINGS ARCA MAY NOT DO AT THE HOSPITAL -Am I allowed to edit this list? -No, Arca may not edit this list.  He may only suggest things to add, and they must be approved by the hospital board. -Arca may not use the medical liquid nitrogen to make ice cream. -Arca may not use the medical liquid nitrogen to make nitroglycerin explosives. -Arca is no longer allowed near the medical liquid nitrogen. -Hospital blood drives are not actually run by ‘the secret vampony society’. -Or any secret society. -Laughter is NOT the best medicine, especially when it involves slapstick comedy in the intensive care unit.  Even if Arca is the one getting hurt, it just kills morale. -Arca is not allowed to make reference to death, such as ‘Oh, you are killing me over here!’ when laughing. -Do not suggest patients do dangerous things because ‘YOLO’. -Arca may not instead suggest such actions because ‘YOLF’ (You Only Live Forever), as the few beings that applies to are not often hospitalized. -No racing stretchers down the hall in the building anywhere. -’I got a splinter’ is not a reason to run to the ER, Arca. -Yes, Arca has PhDs in both Alchemy and Advanced Magical theory, but his Doctoral status does not make him a medical doctor. -Not allowed to steal laughing gas to cheat at open mic night at the comedy club. -Blood plasma and actual plasma are not interchangeable, except maybe for Princess Celestia. -'We need to amputate’ is a last resort, not the correct procedure for a broken hoof. -Arca may not hijack the hospital laundry room to clean his lab coats. -The hippocratic oath does not involve actual hippos. -Despite how useful it would be, there is no ‘The Duck-ectomy’ procedure to remove it from Arca's life. -’I stepped on a pebble’ is not an excuse to run to the ER, Arca. -Not allowed to rap to the beat of a heart monitor. -Fictional diseases in comics are FICTIONAL, and even if they were not, Arca has access to a (very expensive) cure for all illnesses anyway. -The grand panacea may only be prescribed with permission from the crown, due to the secrecy surrounding it.  In the event it is prescribed, it is not to be referred to as such. -Arca may not request a tonsillectomy with the intent of bypassing his daily limit of ice cream. -No fridge magnets near the MRI. -Arca is permitted to use only one pump of soap to wash his hooves per visit to the restroom, unless he brings his own. -No disassembling the X-ray machine to try and get the X-ray glasses Arca got from a cereal box to work. -The basement is off limits to Arca.  The morgue is down there and he's seen one too many zombie movies. -Yes, most ponies aside from a select few die at some point after drinking dihydrogen monoxide.  That does not mean Arca may destroy the water cooler ‘to save the world’. -Surgical masks are not ninja gear. -Scalpels are not throwing knives. -Suggesting an IV drip for potions to test injected potion effects instead of simply drinking them is not allowed. -'Juniper won't let me have any more cookies’ is not an excuse to run to the ER, Arca. -The operating theater is not a place for popcorn. -Or sodas. -No food or drink in the operating theater. -Arca's suggestion of ‘Arca is permitted to ignore these rules at his leisure’ has been unanimously rejected. -Using the magic mirror pool to create two patients and give one a placebo ‘for control purposes’ is a bad idea. -Letting Arca anywhere near the magic mirror pool is also a bad idea. -There is no uncommon cold, holofoil cold, or limited edition cold.  Diseases are not trading cards. -Arca is forbidden from going anywhere near the maternity ward, as he freaks out and/or gags.  Seriously Arca, you are over a millennia old, it's nothing you haven't seen before. -Juniper Berry’s reminder to the board that Arca has never even had a marefriend, let alone gotten intimate with one, has led to the rescinding of the above comment.  Also, somepony please contact princess Cadance, a significant other might mellow him out a bit. -Arca may take one lollipop OR one sticker per visit, once a day, and only if said visit is for a legitimate reason. -Arca is not allowed within 50 hooves of the coffeemaker. -Doctor's orders are not ‘Simon says’. -'I dunno, I just felt like running to the ER’ is not an excuse for running to the ER, Arca. -Whichever doctor volunteers to give Arca his annual physical receives an extra two weeks of vacation time, no questions asked. -Ballgowns are not hospital gowns. -‘My Boss told me to’ is not excuse to run to the ER, Juniper. -The above rule does not apply if Juniper actually needs medical attention. -Arca is requested to refrain from commenting on anypony's bedside manner, as Lead Pediatric Surgeon Dr. Bedside Manner gets offended by it. -'I thought this was Hayburger’ is not an excuse to run to the ER, Arca. -'Are you sure this isn't Hayburger’ is not an excuse to run BACK to the ER, Arca. -No, the cafeteria does not serve hayburgers, Arca. -Arca's request to build a Hayburger next to or inside the hospital has been unanimously rejected.  There's already one three blocks down the road. -More band-aids is not the correct solution to any problem. -Ultrasounds are not the same as megaphones. -Arca may not read the encyclopedia of diseases, as he tends to think every itch is a symptom. -Do not use any hospital equipment as an impromptu drum kit. -Arca is no longer permitted to access the hospital storage without supervision ever. -The IV drip bags are not helium balloons. -Wheelchairs are designed to help impaired creatures move around.  Arca is not to use them for any of the following: Conga lines, Racecars, Mechas, Catapults, Miniature mobile potion shops, Dioramas, Barricades, Weapons against The Duck, Music videos, Roller coasters, and any idea involving the words ice, mayonnaise, or cyan. -'Zzzz’ is not an excuse to run sleeptrot to the ER, Arca.