//------------------------------//
// 6: The Preparations 
// Story: A Dream That Wasn't 
// by Another Army Brony 
//------------------------------//


Chapter Six


The Preparations




        Okay, I realize my actions the night before might seem a bit off to anypony without medical experience. Got it, tracking that. What I do NOT understand however, is how writing a "T" and some numbers on a pony's forehead somehow can only mean that I am part of some shadow society of maleficent purpose, initiating a new member.
 
        I couldn’t make this up if I tried. Based on the stuff that had happened with Zecora in the past, I was sort of under the impression that Ponyville was a bit more tolerant place nowadays. Honestly, I really should endeavor not to think, considering the frequency with which I am wrong.
 
        Pushing these thoughts aside and deflecting the more idiotic questions with equally idiotic answers, Joy and I managed to worm our way out of the crowd by the time I had re-told the story for the fifth time. It took every ounce of my self control (and several gallons I borrowed from Joy) for us to make it through the roiling mass of equinity. In the back of my mind, I kept repeating a single phrase: keep calm and canter on.  Even being the egotistical bastard that I am, I was starting to dislike the sound of my voice telling the tale time and time again.
 
        We mercifully broke free of the crowd and set off in a separate direction, wanting to put as much distance between us and the posse of pestering ponies as possible. Once we had lost the last of the determined ponies trailing us, we followed a meandering path for another few blocks to make sure we were in the clear before turning and heading home along back alleys and obscure avenues.
 
        We reveled in the comparative silence and desertion of the paths less traveled in the wake of the recent fuster cluck. It wasn’t until we drew to within a few blocks of home that we finally met another pony, though this one seemed content to tend to her garden and pay us no mind.
 
        It was just as well for us, and even my limited powers of perception could pick up that Joy’s calm and collected demeanor was just a professional mask. At least I wasn’t alone. I can’t speak for Joy, but I was slowly becoming optimistic that we could find shelter in our domicile before being mobbed once more.
 
 
        Before we drew around the corner, I was struck by a thought…  if I was so sure that we would make it home unmolested, it was damned near a sure thing that we were about to be accosted by a tremendous number of curious ponies spouting insipid questions. I am wrong very often, but sometimes, I hate it even more when I’m right.
 
 
        Rounding the corner, the both of us stopped dead in our tracks at the sight before us.
 
 
        Waiting in front of the house was a veritable circus of press photographers. Seriously, where the hell did they all come from?

        Joy and I backed around the corner slowly, trying not to draw attention to ourselves. Had it just been Joy, the plan might have worked… unfortunately; my penchant for being in certain places at certain times wouldn't allow a smooth exit. From the horde arose the battle cry:

        "Dave!"

        I didn't even try to run… what was the point? I might get away… hell, I probably would get away, considering how fast I ran…  but sooner or later they would find me. I've learned the hard way that no matter how fast you ran, nor how far, you cannot outrun your problems. Taking a deep breath to steel myself for the impending onslaught, I walked forward calmly to meet my fate. Initially hesitant, Joy soon fell in behind me as I approached the mass of ponies.

        For what it's worth, they were rather well behaved for a large posse of reporters… they stood in one place relatively quietly as they followed my approach with a hungry look instead of swarming me like vermin. As I crossed the last of the empty space that separated us, they even formed a nice little horseshoe-shape for me. I found this both ironic and useful. I stepped into the spot that they had made for me with Joy pressed close to my side. I stood in silence for a second before clearing my throat, signaling for the Inquisition to begin.

        About a quarter of an hour later, I had answered all the questions asked of me (well… except for the asinine ones. I disregarded those.) and the gathering began to disperse. Once Joy and I had made our way inside the house and gone our separate ways, a funny thought occurred to me… the reporters were more pleasant than the average civilians that had mobbed us at Berry's. They also asked fewer stupid questions, preferring to ask about how I had come to live in Ponyville, how I knew advanced first aid, things like that.

        There were also a couple incredibly awkward questions asked, such as "so, what do you have to say to the rumors regarding your love triangle?", and "how long have you and Nurse Joy been in a relationship?" And things like that. My stomach grumbled loudly, kindly informing me that it was dissatisfied with its caloric intake for the day.

        I made my way to the kitchen to scrounge up something to appease my angry gullet, only to discover that Joy was once again at least four steps ahead of me. The azure glow surrounding the plates faded as I turned the corner, apparently taking Joy by surprise.

        "Oh hey…  I was just about to call you and let you know I made lunch."

        "And I was just coming in here to raid the fridge. Imagine that… shall we?"

         Joy cracked a cute little smirk as we took our seats opposite one another at the table and ate. Well, she ate. I inhaled. Despite having thrice the portions that she had, I finished my sammiches by the time she was halfway done with hers. As I was swallowing the last bit, I caught sight of that little smirk of hers… what was she smiling at? Self consciously, I wiped my face with a napkin, removing about a quarter pound of condiments and other debris that had failed to make it into my mouth.

        Still, the smirk remained as she stared in my general direction. I can't say she was looking at me because of the faraway look in her eyes, and I figured she must have been daydreaming. Relishing the opportunity to return the favor, I waved my hoof in front of her face, snapping her back to the real world.

        "Whatcha thinkin' about?"

        "Where in Luna's name does all that food go? You never gain a pound, no matter how much I feed you. I'm jealous." As if to prove her point, she pouted dramatically.

        "I have hollow legs… I store the food for later when I get hungry."

        She got a gleam in her eye that I wasn't sure I liked as she replied. "So what you're telling me is that I don't have to pack your dinner tonight?"
 
        My jaw dropped in shock. That was the opposite of what I wanted! "What? No I never said… I like your cooking… "

        Gasping quite dramatically, she placed a hoof over her heart. "So you don't like my cooking? Fend for yourself, then."

        "But I… that's not what… I didn't mean… "

        As my frustration and stumbling speech dug me a deeper hole to stand in, Joy was favoring me with a predatory look… I was her prey, right where she wanted me, and we both knew it.

        "That's not what you didn't mean, huh? You meant it, then?"

        Giving up, I crossed my arms and pouted. "… I quit. You win this one… you don't play fair."

        She grinned a Cheshire grin, reveling in her victory. "Play fair? I'm not familiar with this concept."

        Having exhausted my diplomatic channels, I resorted to the next best thing: making faces. I stuck my tongue out at Joy, realizing my mistake a split second too late. One day, I'll learn…

        Once more, my tongue was taken hostage. As soon as she was sure her prisoner wasn't going to escape, Joy's features contorted into a caricature of wicked intentions. I could almost see the horns…

        "Oh, look at this… Dave, it seems you dropped this again. What if somepony else found this, or worse yet an animal… wouldn't want this to be chewed up by some critter, now would we…? What to do, what to do… "

        My supplications were mangled into an unrecognizable garble of sounds by my tongue's captivity. Joy was thoughtfully tapping hoof to chin for a moment before her wicked grin elongated into a diabolical smile.

        This was not going to end well for me…

        "I've got it! I'll just make sure that this is something that no little creature would want to eat… and I know just what to use!"

        I'm pretty sure that there really were horns on this mare… must’ve been hidden by the mane. Behind me, I heard the sound of a cabinet opening and then closing. If my memory and sense of hearing were tone believed, Joy had retrieved something from the spice cabinet… oh no.

        Shit…

        "Ah, here it is. I figure that since you keep losing this, I'll just make it unappetizing to small critters. Know what critters hate? Spicy food."

        FUCK.

        "Just so happens that I have the perfect thing for that. Ever hear of something called the 'Ghost Pepper'?"

        FFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKK.

        "Hmmm… but how much to use…  "

        The label of the bottle was plain black, marred only by a small white block of text and a singularly ominous logo: a jolly roger featuring a flaming skull. The bottle floated ever closer to my exposed tongue. As Joy tipped the bottle bit by bit, the translucent orange liquid seeped nearer and nearer to the spout.

        "I think one drop should be more than sufficient. After all, this is the extract of the Ghost Pepper. Much more potent."

        Much more… is that even possible? My thoughts were erased in the unholy hellfire that followed. Though Joy had meant to only apply a drop, she overestimated the viscosity of the liquid and applied a hearty splash to my taste organ.

        This was hotter than Celestia's flanks.

        I held upon my tongue the distillation of supernovae; my taste buds played host to the fires of ten thousand dying stars.
 
        The energy of the cosmos was flowing through me, empowering me with the wrath of the Elder Gods.

        I was elemental.

        I was fire.

        I was the goddamned Dave-ferno.

        And then my head burst into flames. Literally, it burst into flames. My mane and my tail transformed into ribbons of fire, burning deep cobalt with emerald flecks at the tips of the flames. My entire coat morphed into something like a charred bit of timber, the cracks in its surface emanating a cherry red glow from the heat within. My wings had become a skeletal caricature, a skin of fire taking the place that my feathers had once occupied. The floor burst into flames where my hooves made contact, my iron shoes melting and dribbling onto the floor. The window exploded from the heat and the paint was peeling from the walls.

        The power of the stars flowed in my veins, invigorating me as nothing before ever had. My blood was molten tungsten, my heart was a self-perpetuating fusion reaction, and I could hear the voices of the Elder Ones calling me forth to my one true calling: Destruction.

        I destroyed the wall of the house as if it was never there, its will to stand entirely overwhelmed by my will to knock it down. Stepping forth into the sun, I could feel its inadequacy, its pitiful power paling in the glare of my own. This entire world was pitiful under the harsh light of true power… it was an insult. How dare something so weak exist in the light of my glory? It could not, and it would not. I would cleanse this blemish from existence.

        I took to the air with a single beat of my wings, igniting everything in the vicinity with a wave of cobalt flame. I hovered high above the town and watched as the eldritch flames spread with unnatural swiftness. This would not do, not at all. The fire needed to be… hotter.

        Even as I thought it, the flames six-tripled their size, melting glass and rock alike.

        Much better.

        I swooped into a steep dive, the air around me crackling with raw power. I pulled up just before striking the ground, leaving a trail of molten rock in my wake. Struck by an idea, I pulled into a steep climb and rocketed skyward. In mere moments I had ascended to such a height that I could almost see the curvature of the planet. Leveling off, I flew towards the horizon for a second before inverting and plummeting straight towards the ground. I poured on as much power as I could, gaining speed at an incredible rate.

        I was going to end this planet with a bang… a sonic flame-boom. The Mach cone was forming around me and rapidly shrinking, and any second now I would shatter the barrier and bathe the world in apocalyptic immolation. Almost… there…

        An icy pang pierced me to the core, shattering my concentration. The Mach cone destabilized as I decelerated, soon collapsing entirely. I spread my wings to catch myself and slow my fall, but another icy stab tore through me and destroyed my muscular coordination. And just like that, I was a pegasus who couldn't fly, falling to his death. Well… this was ironic. I closed my eyes as the ground rushed up to meet me, waiting for the inevitable impact.

        I awoke with a jolt to the sight of a distraught Joy looking down at me. Godammit. Of course I wouldn't be turned into an eldritch force for cosmic annihilation… that was way too damned cool to actually happen to me.

        "Dave? Are you awake now?"

        I wanted to say something witty to that, but it was at this moment that I became acutely aware that my entire mouth was full of magma. You know, no big deal. Thankfully, Joy was a pretty sharp mare, and before I knew it she was force feeding me about a half gallon of ice cold milk.  That… that hit the spot. The fire inside died altogether as it was quenched by the vitamin D enriched elixir.

        "Thank you, Joy. Much better… what happened?"

        "Well… I accidentally gave you a bit too much of the spicy stuff. Then you kinda passed out and flailed around for a bit. And after that, I just grabbed some milk and figured I'd wait it out. The label said this happens sometimes, and gave instructions on how to deal with it."

        "Well… dang. Did my head at least catch on fire or something cool like that?" I struggled to a sitting position, feeling the dampness of sweat upon my brow.

        "You got the hiccups."

        My shoulders slumped. Of course. "Damn."

        "Well, you might as well catch a shower now… you are a sweaty pony. And smelly, too. Your shift starts in two hours, so you should probably hurry."

        "Alright, I'm on it."

        I set off to shower before work, all the while thinking about the hallucination I'd had. Why would I want to burn this place? So far, I was loving everything I'd seen in this town, just to varying degrees. Why would I want to destroy such a perfect place? It just didn't make sense to me…  I could tell this was something I'd be thinking about all day. Having freshened up, I donned my saddlebags and went to the kitchen to grab the sack lunch that Joy had prepared for me (despite her previous claim that she wouldn't make me one) before heading out. Stepping out into sunlight that was a lot warmer than I remembered, I set off towards the clinic.
 
        Day shift was a helluva lot busier than night shift, and I had even more crap to do aside from the basic duties as I was continuously interrupted to clean small messes. The other ponies on day shift helped to offset the additional workload though, so it was never too excessive. In no time I had fallen into a sort of a rhythm, bouncing from one task to another with an almost zealous fervor. I got so wrapped up in the here-and-now that I almost worked through the chow break. The only thing that saved me from going hungry till I got off was a sharp jab to the flank, delivered by a yellowish colt named Sweeps. I’d only met Sweeps once before, and that had been at the Janitors’ office at the start of the day. I passed him when I walked in, as he walked out. I figured we were both looking for the same pony: Brass.
 
        Once I had been briefed on my day-to-day duties by the boss, I’d set to work, forgetting about the colt until he jabbed me in the kidney. Before I even had a chance to inquire about my assault, he nodded his head down the hall, indicating I should come with him before he turned and walked briskly away. Quickly shoving the rag I’d been cleaning windows with into my jumpsuit, I trotted quickly after him to catch up. Soon as I’d caught him, I spoke up.
 
        “So, what was the kidney punch all about?”
 
        Without looking back he gave a brusque reply. “You almost worked through chow. Couldn’t have that happen.”
 
        I nodded in comprehension, a gesture that was lost on the back of his head. “Thanks. I am pretty famished… ”
 
        He scoffed. “Didn’t do it for you. Brass would’ve had my horn if I let the new guy work through chow on my watch.”
 
        Horn? I didn’t see any… oh, there it is. It was hidden behind his mussed up orange mane, and so small that it could have been a tumor. I figured that it might be a sensitive subject for him, and since he was already in a less-than-pleasant mood, I figured I’d avoid mentioning it in future conversation. In the meantime, I wanted to try and learn some more about this gruff fellow, seeing as how he was likely in charge of me.
 
        “So, Sweeps. Where are we headed?”
 
        “Break room.”
 
        “The one by the lobby?”
 
        He growled his response with far more animosity than I'd expected. “No, that’s for the medical staff only… if I catch you in there, I’ll dock your pay an hour. Janitors have their own break room.”

        Ass. Right then, my brain was telling me to shut up and not antagonize this jerk, but I've never exactly been what you call a smart pony. “Even if Joy invites me to have dinner with her?”
 
        It hadn’t happened yet, but it could… my mental machinations were ended abruptly as Sweeps stopped in place and pulled an immaculate about face to look me in the eyes with a menacing glare.
 
        “Just because you fell from the sky and Nurse Joy took pity on you doesn't mean that anypony else will, nor does it permit you to drop their respectful titles. You will not call any of the Medical Staff by their first name; you will address them as Doctor or Nurse, as appropriate. Consider this your only warning. It happens again, you lose an hour’s pay for each occurrence. Got it?”
 
        Cock juggling clown rapist…
 
        “Roger. Anything else, Sir?”

        At this, Sweeps scowled harder still. Oh, what I wouldn’t have given to see his face become stuck like that…whatever. This colt wants to play reindeer games? Okay, I dig it. I’ll play your games, but I’ll bet you that I win. Instead of answering my question, Sweeps just walked away.
 
        Well then.
 
        I followed him to the break room… if it could even be called that. It was nothing more than the extra space in the water heater enclosure, with only a few chairs and a flimsy table to indicate that it served any other purpose. We ate in silence, save for the scoff Sweeps gave at the bagged lunch I pulled from my saddlebags. You jelly, Ass? Yeah, he jelly. Where I had a hoagie stuffed with delicious plant material of assorted varieties and a side of fresh fruit, he had a plain BLT and a soda. By BLT, I mean that his sandwich was comprised solely of Bread, Lettuce, and Tomato. Even though he was an ass of epic proportions (I’m sure a bard somewhere has a ballad about him), I still felt a bit ashamed of how much food I had compared to him.
 
        As a peace offering, I tore the hoagie in half and offered half to him, saying something about how I wasn’t going to eat it all…which was a bold-faced lie. Perhaps he was just having a bad day… I didn’t want to believe that he was a bad pony based off of our only interaction thus far, and I wanted to attempt to be at least civil to him.
 
        Well, these notions of civility went out the window with a fucking quickness at what he did next. With a swipe of the hoof, he knocked the peace offering from my hoof and sent it scattering across the floor.
 
        “I don’t need or want your charity.”
 
        My eye began a’twitchin. Taking a deep breath, I slowly retracted my hoof, if only so it would be that much less tempting to choke him to death with it. I could see now that this was not a matter of professionalism. No, this was personal, and doubly so for me. I had offered a part of the lunch that had been made for me by a special somepony to one who had less than I, and out of spite he wasted it so that neither of us could enjoy it. There are some things you just do not do in civilized society, and greeting an honest attempt at peace with unabashed spite was one of them. Unfortunately, so was murder… there goes that plan.
 
        I packed up my un-eaten chow with exaggerated calmness. This was not to taunt Sweeps or to provoke a reaction from him, but was just an outward indicator of my massive internal struggle not to strike out at him in any way. I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of seeing me lose my cool in response to his provocations. Over and over in my head, I just kept reminding myself that he was not worth it. No reason to start a ruckus and give him the satisfaction of riling me up like he wanted. Instead, I left without a word or even so much as a glare.
 
        In the hallway, I took another deep breath to try to let go of as much stress as I could. I turned a corner to be out of sight and took a series of deep, slow respirations, feeling the immediate and irrational hatred leave me. Ironclad resolve flowed in to take its place, and I knew what I had to do to win. All I had to do was perform my job and keep my mouth closed. Suck it up and drive on, something I had honed my skills at through years of practice.
 
        I tackled my tasks with renewed vigor, driven by my burning desire to outshine this bag of ass that was my boss. By the time my shift was nearing its close, I had already finished every one of my duties and had taken to cleaning random things to fill the time until I got off. I decided it would be a good idea to check The Board to see what my schedule was like for next week. Starting tomorrow and going through the next two weeks, I was a regular nine-to-five pony. I could work with this… but there was something else that caught my attention.
 
        I get paid on Friday.
 
        Grinning as I returned to work, I knew exactly what I was going to do with my first paycheck. The rest of my shift flew by in a blur, and almost before I knew it I had accomplished two things: first, I’d developed a solid plan to spend whatever bits I made; second, I had scrubbed half of the clinic to a shine. I was on my way out of the clinic to do a bit of comparison shopping when I heard a lovely voice call out my name.
 
        “Dave! Wait up!”
 
        I turned around with a smile just in time to be tackled into a hug by Joy. She seemed in a better mood than usual, and that was really saying something. I returned the embrace for a second or ten before we broke free.
 
        "What's up, Nurse Joy?"
 
        Joy looked momentarily baffled at this, thought she only hesitated a second before replying.
 
        "Remember the rescue last night? Of course you do. Here's the news: Mayor Mare is holding a ceremony in your honor to… well, to honor your heroism. It is going to be held this Saturday at the Town Hall. Aren't you excited?!"
 
        I had to close my gaping mouth manually. "Actually, I'm slightly overwhelmed by this. Let me guess: it is going to be a small, simple celebration with myself and a dozen of my closest friends?"
 
        "Not even close. From what I've heard, it should be almost as big as the Summer Sun Celebration."
 
        Dang… my ego was going to love this, but the rest of me was a bit hesitant to be the center of that much attention. What would I wear?
 
        "I was afraid you'd say that… "
 
        "Don’t worry, scaredy-pony. I'll be right next to you the whole time."
 
        You don't know the half of it…
 
        "Okay, I trust you. I've got a few errands to run, but I'll see you when you get home, m’kay?"
 
        "Alright, I'm working late tonight, so don't wait up. I would say I'll try not to wake you, but I don’t think that'll be a problem, the way you sleep."
 
        "Indeed. I'll see you in the morn, then."
 
        "Unless I see you first, Dave."
 
        At this, I gasped theatrically and held a hoof to my mouth in shock. "We shall see who sees whom first! Also, when are we going to be on similar shifts? I want to get back to our plan of working out together."
 
         "This should be my last swing shift for a while; we should have the same schedule starting Wednesday."
 
         "Alright, sounds good. See you tomorrow."
 
        "Bye, Dave."
 
        Once more, I was on my way out of the clinic, though this time my egress was actually successful.



~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~



        I managed to successfully navigate to the flower shop from my first day in town, finding it without much trouble at all. Inside was a light green mare with a darker green mane, the same pony that had been working the night I bought the rose. Spying her name tag, I called out to her by name.
 
        "How's it going, Flora?"
 
        "Not so bad, and yourself? Wait… I know you! You're that pony from the paper, the one who saved Derpy!"
 
        I rubbed my mane nervously. "Well… yeah… "
 
        I was running out of ways to downplay these notions of heroism while not belittling Derpy's life. I didn’t want to be known as a hero… I was just in the right place at the right time.
 
        "Well, what can Flora do for you, hero?"
 
        I winced a bit at the word 'hero'… "I… I don't deserve that title. One who gives their life for their friends or family, who dies for what they love… that is a hero to me. Me? I just applied training in an applicable situation. I did what anypony would do, it's just that I had the training to do it right."
 
        Flora rolled her eyes. "Blah blah blah. Be humble all you want, you're a hero. Derpy is a beloved member of our town, and thanks to you she is still around to brighten our days. But back to business, what can I help you with?"
 
        "Well, a week ago I came in here and bought a beautiful azure rose. I wanted to order a dozen of them for pickup on Friday… what would that cost?"
 
        "The Aurora Blue? Those are rather pricey and hard to come by, and getting a dozen by the end of the week will be no small feat. I can do it, but it will be expensive, even with the discount I'm giving as a thank you for Derpy. The best price I can give you is forty bits."
 
        "Forty bits? I paid sixty for the ONE rose… "
 
        "Yes, and that was before you saved the life of a friend of mine. Forty each is what it costs me to get them, so I'm not making anything on this. Consider it a favor."
 
        I scrunched up my face, doing math on my hooves. "E… each? But that's… forty… twelve… carry the one… divide by pi… one point six one eight… seven six two by fifty-one… that's a whole lot of bits!"
 
        "Uh… yeah. Like I said, they are expensive and hard to come by, so that is the best price I can do for you. Anything less than that and I'd lose bits. And for special orders like this, I require half down before I place the order. Two hundred and forty bits before I even write the invoice."
 
        I scrounged around in my saddlebags of infinite storage (they seemed that way, anyways… I still hadn't filled them up) and finally withdrew my coin satchel, which I deposited on the counter. Flora scooped up the pouch and tossed it in the air a few times, evaluating its weight. Apparently satisfied, she opened it up and poured it into the dish of a balance beam scale, adding counterweights to bring it level. She fiddled with the weights for a few moments, a scowl growing on her features as she added and then removed various weights in an effort to balance the scale. Hoofing her chin in contemplation, she remained motionless for a second before she ended up riffling through the coins.
 
        With a triumphant "Aha!", she flicked a bit of debris out of the pile. Looking it over once more and finding nothing, she once more began adding weights before finally bringing the beam into balance.
 
        "Well, right here you have just shy of three hundred bits. Two eighty-four, to be exact."
 
        She scooped out a small portion of the golden trinkets and adjusted the scale, removing a few more bits one at a time until the scale was once again level.
 
        "I've got two-forty here, so the rest is yours. I'll start the invoice while you put those away."
 
        By my (terrible) math, I had forty-four bits left. Well… I was a bit less wealthy than I had anticipated, but over all I was actually ahead of budget. I was figuring on paying at least fifty percent more for the flowers, so I was that much farther ahead. Once I gave a hoof print signature on a few order forms and secured my copy, I headed out the door with a grateful wave and salutation to Flora. One down, three to go.
 
        My next destination was one that would either be a bore, tremendously painful on the brain, or an absolute riot of comedy.
 
        I was headed to Sugarcube Corner.



~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


 
        I drew near the confection-themed shop and paused a moment to take the last peaceful breath that I was likely to get in the immediate future. Composed, I made my way to the threshold of the building. I went to push the door open with my hoof, but it never connected; the door had vanished. As a matter of fact, everything had vanished only to be replaced with a strangling mass of pink… pinkness…  
 
        I couldn’t breathe, and I could barely croak a supplication for release.
 
        This is how I die.
 
        Just as the lights were going out on me and I was wishing the world a fond farewell, the pink pony who was constricting me to death released her death-grip and began to talk a mile a minute, though I understood none of it and held up a hoof to stop the onslaught as I tried to remember how to lungs.
 
        Instead of stopping, Pinkie just rolled on in her ramblings, giving my hoof a solid tap with hers.
 
        And just like that, I brohoofed Pinkie Pie. Well, I was brohoofed by Pinkie, but close enough.
 
        I finally caught my breath well enough to pick up on what was going on, and finally tuned into the conversation Pinkie was having at me (not with me, mind you… that would imply that I had input). Popping into the middle of the conversation was disorienting since I had no idea what she was talking about, but I had the odd feeling that I wouldn’t be much better off even if I had been listening from the start.
 
        "… and then Twilight came out of the library and asked me what I was doing, then she told me 'Pinkie, get out of this tree, you are not a woodpecker' which was fine by me because my head was hurting by then."
 
        "Uh… sure. Say, you work here, right?"
 
        So, this was my plan: no matter what kind of off-the-wall shenanigans Pinkie pulled, I would not fall prey… I would stay focused on the task at hand and stay on track until the order was complete. I knew this plan was pretty much guaranteed to fail, but I felt better having at least tried. Pinkie responded to my question as Pinkie does everything: in an unpredictable manner. In this case, it was in a helpful manner.
 
        "You betcha I do! I work for the Cake's as a Confectionaire Extraordinaire. What can I do ya for?"
 
        And, cue the double take… perfect! Gathering my thoughts again, I pressed on in the quest to complete my order.
 
        "Actually, I wanted to order a small box of your tastiest chocolate… something like two dozen pieces of assorted variety."
 
        "Oooh. Date-night special it is!"
 
        Visions of roofie-laced chocolate popped into my head…
 
        "I'm sorry, the whatnow?"
 
        "The Date-Night special! For impressing that special filly or colt, “special” spelled El-Oh-Vee-Eee-Arr… everypony loves chocolate!"
 
        "Erm… right. So, I'd like to place an order for the 'Date Night special'… "
 
        Man, I felt creepy just saying that out loud… I expected it to come in a brown paper bag or something… Pinkie seemed oblivious to the sketchy nomenclature of the treat, and immediately turned on her heels and bounced away through the threshold of the confections shop. A bit thrown off by the sudden movement, I scrambled to catch up to the springy mare. Her calves must’ve been strong enough to break diamond… there is no way she could just… bounce like that. I caught up to her when she came to a stop behind the counter, somehow hurtling herself over the counter without hitting her head on the roof or exerting any additional effort… or even opening her eyes.

        How? Pinkie Pie, that's how.

        "Can I pay now and just pick the goods up on Friday?"
 
        "Pick up the goods? Are you leaving the bads? After that one time with Applejack we added a quality control measure to our products. Never again will we serve Baked Bads… Only Baked Mediocres and Baked Amazings."
 
        "Let me rephrase that: If I pay now, can I come back on Friday and pick up the chocolate I paid for?"
 
        She nodded vigorously. "Of course, silly pony. Just remember to bring a receipt to claim your chocolate."

        I nodded, making a mental note to keep track of the receipt for once. “Alright, can-do, Miss Pie. How much is the Date Night Special?”

        “Well, since you’re a handsome colt, 50 bits an hour after nine PM.”

        What. “I’m sorry? I don’t think I heard that right.”

        “It’s 50 bits an hour after nine PM. So if you pay before ten, it is only thirty, since I won’t have to wake up.”

        “…  Thirty bits, then?”

        Pinkie shook her head so hard I thought it would pop off. “No, silly pony. Thirty bits now, fifty then.”

        Oh Celestia, my brain… “All right… well, here’s thirty bits.”

        I counted out fourteen bits and handed the rest to Pinkie. In one motion, she scooped it up and… shoved it in her mane. In her mane? What?

        My confusion turned to outright shock as a pair of purple eyes opened in her mane. The owner turned out to be none other than Gummy, who proceeded to stick his head out of his poofy pink perch. The adorable green gator yawned deeply, revealing a pile of gold on his tongue. Well, I suppose I know where Pinkie stashed the bits…

        My train of thought was derailed once more as Pinkie thrust a slip of parchment upon me, nearly giving me a paper-cut on my eyeball.

        “Here you go, Coltsanova. See you Friday, and Saturday!”

        Saturda-oh. The Mayor’s celebration, thing…  I’d almost forgotten about that. “Okay, Pinkie. See you then, have fun. Bye!”

        I ducked out of the shop and set off towards my last destination of the day: Rarity’s.


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        I approached the shop, lights glowing from within silhouetting a pony’s shape on the sheer curtains. I could hear a distinct voice from within, though nothing specific that she was saying. Drawing myself up with proper posture, I rapped thrice on the door.

        “Just a moment, please.”

        The door swung open, and at first I was taken aback… there was nopony there. I stared in shock for a second before the sound of a throat being cleared caught my attention. I looked down into the eyes of a mildly bemused Sweetie Belle as she held the door.

        “Evening, sir. Rarity’s busy right now; can I help you with something?”

        “Well, actually, I’ve come for a fitting… can you-”

        The rest of my question was cut off by another call from within the Boutique.

        “Sweetie, see them in and seat them in the reception area, I’ll be out in a moment, darling.”

        Sweetie Belle hollered back, “I was going to!”

        Sweetie pouted a bit at being instructed to do something she was already doing, and I could hear her grumbling something under her breath as she let me inside and closed the door. The inside of the shop was beautiful, to say the least…  it was something like out of a magazine, but I didn’t have long to admire the decor before Rarity entered from another room.

        I say “entered” and not “walked in” for a reason. This mare does not simply walk into a room: She makes an entrance.

        “Sorry to keep you waiting, darling. How may I help you today?”

        I held up a hoof, dismissing her concerns. "No trouble at all, Miss Rarity. Your lovely assistant had only just seated me before you arrived, so I wasn't waiting very long whatsoever."

        "She wasn't being a bother, was she?" Rarity's tone was critical, and Sweetie’s expression was chastised.

        I shook my head gently. "No, not at all. She was a fine example of courtesy and professionalism."

        While this might have been a slight exaggeration based on the limited interaction we had so far engaged in, I felt the need to come to Sweetie's defense for some reason. She was displaying an admirable level of professionalism for one so young, after all. Rarity and Sweetie's reactions were so incredibly similar that there could be no doubt that they were sisters; both sets of eyes opened wide, mouths agape in shock, and ears perked up. Priceless.

        Sweetie's expression waxed smug, while Rarity's waned more towards sheepish.

        "Well Sweetie, it seems an apology is in order; I'm sorry I didn't give you enough credit…  Forgive me, dear?"

        "I forgive you, sis.” Turning to me with a beaming smile, she said “Thanks, mister."

        I smiled back and replied, "My pleasure."

        Her duties fulfilled, Sweetie nodded in a contented manner and retreated to the further recesses of the structure. Once the two of us were alone once more, Rarity got back down to business.

        "I don't recognize you, sir; Are you new in town?"

        "Well, I've only been here a week, so I suppose you could say that."

        At this, a light bulb came on over Rarity's head. Literally. These unicorns are so strange.

        "Oh! You wouldn't happen to be the brave stallion that saved Derpy, would you?"

        "I, uh… well, yeah, I am, but-"

        My further attempts to downplay the event were smothered in an embrace of immaculate white fur… so… soft… smells… so fragrant.

        Being in such close proximity to Rarity was akin to huffing a dryer sheet, she smelled so fresh. It wasn't overpowering, either… it was just a very clean scent with a hint of jasmine. Did I mention she was soft? Like cuddling a cloud made from sunshine and happiness, instead of cold air and water vapor. Marshmallows were as coarse as bricks in comparison…

        The clearing of a throat caught my attention.

        "You can let go now, darling."

        I quickly released the mare, turning beet red in embarrassment. Had I always been this creepy?

        "I'm sorry. It's just that… you are really soft, and you smell very pretty."


Achievement Get! : Creeper Status. (+5)


        Instead of backing away slowly and looking at me with the penis-forehead-look, she simply beamed and tossed her hair, shooting me a look like she was modeling for the camera.

        "Why, thank you dear. Aloe and Lotus truly know their craft. 'Tis but one of the myriad perks of my frequent visits to the spa."

        Well, that could have gone far worse. Also, I might have to go get a pair of day passes to the spa.

        "I just wanted to thank you.” she continued, “for rescuing poor Derpy from her predicament. She is invaluable to this town, not just as a mail mare but also as a pony. She never misses a chance to help somepony else out. If you look, you can spot her just about everywhere, doing something or the other. Back to the topic of your visit, however. What can Lady Rarity do for you?"

        "Well, as I'm sure you’re aware, there is a ball of sorts being held this Saturday, and I find myself in dire need of dapper attire, so to speak."

        "Say no more, darling; I know exactly what you need. On a side note though, I don't think I've ever heard it phrased that way before, and I quite like it. I especially appreciate a cunning linguist, as refined vernacular is somewhat… lacking in this town."

        I had to mentally giggle at that one… heh… cunning linguist… heheh.

        "I trust your expertise, Lady Rarity. Might I make a small request, though?"

        Her eyes widened a bit in terror at this, as her pupils shrank noticeably. Undoubtedly, she was having flashbacks to the pre-Gala preparations. I could almost hear the score of "Art of the Dress" playing in her mind as she relived the fashion massacre. Clearly, this had unnerved her a bit; with a gulp and a slightly wavering tone, she replied.

        "C-Certainly, I want all of my customers to be completely satisfied."

        Twitch.

        "Well, if it isn't too much to ask, -"

        Twitch.

        "-could you incorporate a top hat?"

        Rarity breathed a deep sigh of relief. Apparently, her definition of a "small request" was vastly different from that of her customers. Visibly relieved, her demeanor brightened considerably.

        “Oh, is that all? I am certain I can accommodate that request. I must say, I feared something a bit more… drastic.”

        “You know, I was considering streamers… ”

        That look… I could feel the years slipping away from me…

        “Hehehe… just kidding, m’lady. I should mention that my budget is somewhat… miniscule. I wish I had a hard figure to give you, but I am rather uncertain of my pay rate. Should the cost exceed what I have available, I’ll gladly pay in increments, and with interest.”

        Rarity just looked at me for a moment as if I had a rather well-endowed appendage sprouting from the center of my head. Apparently satisfied that her gaze had its desired effect, she spoke up.

        “Darling, how familiar are you with the Bearers of the Elements of Harmony?”

        I tapped the tips of my hooves together, avoiding eye contact. “I have a passing familiarity with them… if I’m not mistaken; you are… the Bearer of…  Generosity.”

        As my sentence wound on, my voice got lower and lower as I realized what she had intended for me to realize. I was not going to pay a bit for this.

        “It seems you are rather ‘quick on the draw’, as it were. Surely, you didn’t really think I would charge the Stallion of the Hour for his accoutrements, now did you?”

        I tapped my hooves together. “It would seem so… my apologies, I meant no sleight. I just am unaccustomed to such generosity, is all.”

Rarity waved a hoof dismissively. “Fret not, no harm done. You would have been remiss to assume anything other than what you did, I was just having a bit of fun at your expense, you see.”

        I gasped theatrically, a gesture that I was sure Lady Rarity would appreciate. “So, Lady Rarity played a trick? How scandalous… ”

        She tossed her head in mock disgust, though the ghost of a smile was clearly evident. “No. A trick is something a mare of the night does for bits. That, my good sir, was a jest.”

        I smiled again at this. “And a fine one at that. Interestingly burlesque idiom, might I add.”

        She returned my gesture in kind, looking about to see of anypony else had heard. “Why, thank you. I myself find it to be a bit racy, but I am seldom presented the opportunity to implement it.”

        I nodded in agreement. “Understandably so.”

        Our discourse continued in this way for a good while, as Rarity measured my every conceivable angle and dimension, more than a few of which seemed a bit… intimate. The one that got me the most was when she was measuring around my wings… I was familiar with the notion that these were some sort of erogenous zone, but I had no idea just how much so. Even the slightest touch was enough to make self control… difficult, to say the least.

        In an effort to keep my dignity and that of my hostess intact, I ended up thinking back to the pepper-induced hallucination… what would bring forth such images of destruction and chaos? To my knowledge, I didn’t harbor any destructive impulses on that scale… sure, I wanted to hit somepony every now and again, and I’ve thought about flipping a table a time or two, but to burn the entire planet to ashes? Was this hallucination just a product of the fiery temperament of the pepper, or a symptom of a deeper problem within me? As much as I wanted to blame the pepper, and even though it did seem like the culprit, I had no way to be sure that it was.

        Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.

        Right now, the worst case scenario is that the scenario was a product of my subconscious as it voiced some deep rooted issue, so that was what I had to go with.

        Fuck… why couldn’t it have been a spicy dream about Joy? That would have been so much simpler… I suddenly became aware of a growing silence, and snapped out of my funk. It seemed that Rarity had asked me a question… she was waiting for a reply from me, that much was obvious.

        “I’m sorry, Rarity. I seem to have drifted off. Could you repeat that last part?”

        “Yes, it was rather plain that you were not paying attention. I finished measuring you a few moments ago; I was just waiting for you to notice.”

        I could feel my cheeks flushing a bit. “Yes, well… I have a habit of doing that, I’m afraid.”

        “Try not to do that during the banquet, darling. Somepony might get the wrong impression.”

        “I’ll do my best not to… can’t have that, now can we?”

        “Certainly not. I do apologize to rush you off like this, but I really should get back to work if I’m not to fall behind on my deadlines. Ta-ta for now, darling.”


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


        By the time my errands had concluded, two things had happened. First, my head was spinning so hard I thought it might fly away. Second, I felt a growing sense of accomplishment at everything that I had done today. This was bolstered by the fact that I had found my way through town without getting lost once, and with only minimal reference of the landmarks; I was getting better at my dead reckoning.

        As I walked home, I couldn’t help but reflect on the last week and how much everything had changed. A week ago, I was a pegasus crash landing in town, almost fatally. I had no friends, no plan, and no clue what the hell I was in for. Since then, I had gotten a job, repaired a playground for foals, learned my way around town, made several friends, had a couple of disquieting visions, caught the eyes of a beautiful mare, met three of the Mane Six, saved a life, and was having a ball thrown in my honor by the Mayor of Ponyville. I had gone from a nopony to an almost household name in seven days, and those who didn’t know my name knew of my deeds.

        Shit… once you lined it up like that, it was almost overwhelming. All I could hope for was that things calmed down and settled a bit… it almost seemed like my arrival in Ponyville had sent out shock-waves in the cosmic fabric and caused a slew of odd goings-on, like ripples in a pond. In time, I would come to see the full extent of these cosmic ripples, in all of their maledict resplendence.

        On the way home, I passed a few ponies, some of whom waved upon recognition. My, how things change… I finally stepped in the front door before I unceremoniously collapsed into bed for a moment, so that I could remove my saddlebags before I showered up for the night. I rinsed the grime of the day off of myself, wondering what a day at the spa would be like… I resolved then and there that I would get a day pass for myself and for Joy as soon as I could. As I slipped into bed, the image of Joy in a bath robe, face covered in mud and cucumbers over her eyes popped into my head, and I chuckled myself to sleep.



End of Day 8: Monday, March 19th


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