(Running away from Fluttershy’s house)
“Run faster, yellow weasel, the honey badger is gaining on us!” Bear yelled back to Fluttershy who was just barely (Or should I say BEARly) staying conscious.
“I’m not running! You are! And it’s not even chasing us!” she yelled back, so confused and terrified that it was making her sick.
“Oh,” he said as he continued running, “are you absolutely sure? Honey badgers are fast little buggers”
“Yes, I’m sure, I promise” she tried in a soothing voice to calm him down.
He stopped abruptly and caught his weasel friend literally seconds before she was out of his eight-foot reach, “If you insist, Miss Butterfly weasel”
She frowned, “I’m not a butterfly, and I’m not a weasel”
“Nonsense!” he exclaimed rather loudly as something caught his eye off in the distance, “Say, weasel butterfly, do you see that?”
She stopped and turned to look at what he was looking at, “That looks like one of those pains you were talking about”
“Planes, Weaselfly. And they’re not supposed to come and get me for a few more days,” he said suspiciously, “something is wrong”
She rolled her eyes at him calling her Weaselfly, “Then what is it?”
His eyes widened in realization, “Weaselfly?”
She cringed, “Er, yes, Bear?”
He seemed oblivious to her distaste, “You said you’re friends with this honey badger?”
She nodded, “Yes, but I don’t think he-”
He interrupted her by picking her up and sprinting back to her cottage, “We’re going to need all the help we can get. Do you have any duct tape?”
She quirked up an eyebrow, “Duct tape?”
(High above Ponyville)
“So, uh, princesses,” Rainbow attempted to break the awkward silence that had engulfed the group with some conversation, “have you heard of the Wonderbolts, by chance?”
Princess Luna smiled, “Yes, actually, Soarin and I are really good friends. We have tea once a month”
Rainbow’s jaw dropped, “You’re ‘good friends’ with one of the Wonderbolts?”
Luna giggled, “Royalty comes with benefits”
Rainbow fan-fillied a bit silently as Celestia laughed, “Perhaps we could introduce them to you sometime”
Rainbow was at a loss for words as Luna noticed something off in the distance, “Sister, what is that?”
“What?”-Celestia looked to where her sister was looking-“Is that one of those pain things Bear was talking about?”
Rainbow tilted her head, “Whatever it is, it’s coming toward us”
“Sister,” Luna asked, “do you think it could be a dragon?”
Celestia narrowed her eyes, “It could be, but why would it be attacking us?”
“Uh, Princesses?” Rainbow asked.
They turned to look at her, “Yes, Rainbow?”
“If this is a dragon,” she started, “do you think it’s possible that it wants Bear?”
“I…I don’t know” Celestia responded.
A chilling silence once again took over the group.
(Back on the ground in Ponyville)
“Wigglewigglewigglewigglewiggle, yeah!” Pinkie sang.
Twilight cringed and blushed heavily, “N-not in public, Pinkie!”
Pinkie frowned, “Oh, well fine! What else can we sing…?”
“How ‘bout nothin’” Applejack groaned.
Ignoring her peers’ comment, Pinkie gasped dramatically, “I know a good song! I know a good song! Alright, ahem…I’m not a fan of puppeteers but I’ve a nagging fear that someone else is pullin’ at the striiings”
Twilight facehoofed, “No, Pinkie, that brings back some bad memories”
“D’ya know any country music, Pinkie?” Applejack asked her energetic friend.
“Hmmm…” she pondered, “well, I do know one song about our country…Equestriaaa BUCK YEAH!”
“No, no, not that kind of country song! Somethin’ with banjos an’ guitars” Applejack explained.
Twilight was about to interject her opinion on the whole situation when she saw something large above Everfree forest, “Girls, do you see that?”
They stopped and stared at Twilight, “See what, Sugarcube?”
“Well, that, over there! It looks like…” she said as she squinted.
Pinkie gasped, “Could it be a drag-” she exclaimed as Applejack stuffed a hoof into her mouth.
Applejack rolled her eyes, “Careful, now, we don’t want everypony to panic”
“Well, whatever it is, it’s heading towards Ponyville” Twilight said with a roll of her eyes.
“Maybe we should throw it a welcome party to-” Pinkie offered nonchalantly before she gasped and interrupted herself, “I never threw Bear a welcome party!”
Twilight sighed, “We’ve only known him for a few hours, Pinkie”
Pinkie dashed off, “That’s a few hours too many, Twilight!”
“Pinkie Pie, wait!” Twilight called after her, but it was too late, she was gone, “Sometimes, Pinkie…sometimes you make me want to take up drinking”
Applejack frowned, “I already have”
(High above Everfree forest)
The monster flew faster and faster toward his target, Ponyville, and started giggling with a low, evil rumble, “Soon”
The assorted creatures below him scattered in fear at the sight of his massive, terrifying body traveling at high speeds, starting with his horn-covered, scaly head, and ending with his sharp, pointy tail.
The monster grinned with his sharp carnivore-teeth and flicked his serpentine tongue once to take in the fresh aroma of the fields near Ponyville that he was approaching. This was going to be a good day.
(Fluttershy’s cottage)
Bear and Fluttershy had just arrived when Bear tore through the garden in an attempt to find the infamous honey badger, “Bear, I can just call him! Please, don’t pull up my garden like this!”
Bear laughed openly, “Ha! No ever!”
“What does that even MEAN!?” Fluttershy asked, unsure of his sanity at this point (Well, to be fair, she didn’t believe his sanity at any point, but this point was special…Special FORCES that is! BEAR GRYLLS!).
Eventually, he ripped a bush from the ground to reveal a family of timid honey badgers, cowering in front of the massive creature that had just destroyed their home.
Bear smiled and dropped to his knees, “Oh great honey badger, please, assist us in our attempts to save Ponyville! I shall construct a new home for you afterwards, I promise!”
The honey badgers’ family looked around awkwardly as the male whom bear had been addressing looked hopefully up to Fluttershy, who only smiled sheepishly.
Bear grabbed the honey badger, “There isn’t much time! We need to find some duct tape as well!”
“Why do you need duct tape!?” Fluttershy asked as Bear started rampaging through her home, “It’s in the kitchen!”
He moved from the wreckage that used to be her living room into her kitchen and started pulling drawers out, desperately searching for what he needed, “Aha!”
He held the duct tape up high as Fluttershy exclaimed, “What do you need it for!? Please, Bear, answer me!”
He finally acknowledged the panicking pegasus, “I have no idea!”
Awestruck, she was unable to protest yet again as she and the confused honey badger were scooped up into his arms, ready to go, “Onward! To battle!”
She eeped as they started moving at impossible speeds once again towards a massive creature that landed on the outskirts off Ponyville. It seemed to be fighting two flying creatures as one flew away at top speeds towards Ponyville.
(Outskirts of Ponyville)
A dragon doing battle with the royal pony sisters? Surely two goddesses could take down a dragon, but this one was especially vicious, and the sisters were a little squeamish about killing a creature.
It was wrong, in their minds, that the two largest forces of good in the land had to kill in order to achieve their objective. Could they not just talk it out? Did this animal really need to die?
Their questions were answered when a battle-crazed Bear Grylls came charging from the sunset heroically, wielding a massive Zweihänder sword with a small, terrified honey badger duct taped to it, screaming, “William Wallace! Freedom!” repeatedly at the top of his lungs.
Even the dragon stopped dead in complete confusion as Bear turned to the camera, “Now, in order to make a sword like this, just apply some of that sap from the timberwolves to that stone-tipped stick and bake it at 300 degrees for 20 minutes. When you’re finished with that, duct tape a honey badger to it to make a weapon twice as effective as your standard nuclear device. Trust me, I served with the British Special Forces”
Without another word, he threw the massive sword at the dragon, sticking it right on the crown of its head, but not going deep enough to reach its brain, “Damn! Alright honey badger, time for plan B!”
The honey badger, life flashing before its eyes, helplessly flailed about as the dragon reached a claw towards it. When all hope seemed lost, Bear did something that changed everything.
Bear yelled towards his furry friend, “Hey! You! Yeah, you! Honey badger don’t give a shit! Honey badger badass!”
Those words. Those simple words. They ignited a passion in the woodland creature’s heart that raged like a thousand rampaging warriors. A fire gleamed in his eyes as his feral instinct consumed his body and he tore through the duct tape, roaring impressively.
The dragon was helplessly beaten down by the ferocious monster as Bear commented, “The dragon tried to claw the honey badger, so what does he do? Honey badger smacks the SHIT out of him! Get away from me says the dragon, get away! Honey badger don’t care, honey badger craaazy!”
The ponies watched in surprise, all feeling like they had lost their sanity long ago, when Celestia leaned down and whispered to Fluttershy, “Where did he REALLY get that sword?”
Fluttershy blinked and stared back at the princess, “I honestly have no idea”
When the honey badger had finished and his rage had subsided, he fell to the grass and collapsed from exhaustion as the claw-mark covered dragon fell to the ground as well in a pathetic state.
“Now,” Bear said to the camera, “if you’re fireproof like I am, you can easily finish off the dragon. If you’re not, just construct a fireproof suit out of some twigs and leaves, it shouldn’t be that hard”
He ran over to the dragon and jumped down its throat as it helplessly sputtered and gasped for breath. In desperation, it attempted to breath fire to dislodge the thing that was stuck in its windpipe, but to no avail. It was fireproof. Why? Because it was Bear Grylls, and he served in the British Special Forces.
After it had lost consciousness and eventually died, Bear climbed out of its throat and reclaimed his sword.
He approached the weasels with the sword over his shoulder and smiled, “Any questions?”
Nopony could even speak at that point. Ponies had gathered into one large crowd to watch the spectacle minutes ago, but found themselves at a loss for words.
The first to speak was Rainbow, “Sweet Faust…that. Was. The absolute without a doubt hands down unrivaled best most awesomest fight in the history of Equestria and everything ever”
She fainted, but nopony bothered to pick her up, as they couldn’t seem to move their legs.
Bear laughed, “And THAT is how you take down a dragon”
He walked toward the princess, “So, where will I be staying, then, weasel leader?”
“Um, er, well…” she searched for words as Fluttershy spoke for her, “Y-you can stay with me, if you want to, if that would be alright…”
Fluttershy had no idea why she said that. She was terrified of this thing, it had caused her nothing but trouble, and yet…she liked it.
He nodded and turned to the dragon, whose stomach he proceeded to slice open with his sword.
The ponies watched in horror as he ripped out its intestines, ate them, and turned to the camera as he did so, “Now, it’s crucial that you eat ALL of this its intestines. I have no excuse as to why, but Thewaffler said I have yet to eat something disgusting, and he’s right!”
A few ponies in the back lost their lunches as Bear started digging up earthworms from the dirt below him and slurping them up like spaghetti.
“Now,” he said as he wiped the blood and dirt off of his face, “I’m gonna need to find shelter. The Sun’s going down”
“It’s, uh, only like three right now” Twilight offered.
“Nonsense! No ever!”-he scooped up the honey badger and Fluttershy and turned to the camera-“I’m heading back to the cottage, but I’ve got to make myself a bed before nighttime comes and the nocturnal monsters come out. Try and keep up!”
He started sprinting towards Fluttershy’s cottage at top speed, and suddenly everything was silent once again.
Spike blinked and turned to Pinkie pie, “Why have things been so weird around here lately?”
She frowned, “My daddy makes me put-”
He interrupted hastily, “Yeah, well, good luck with that! Come on Twilight, let’s go”
The crowd eventually faded as the two princesses walked with Twilight back to her house. Celestia couldn’t stop herself from giggling a little and facehoofing.
Luna raised an eyebrow, “What do you laugh about, sister?”
Celestia smiled and turned to her sister, “I think these are going to be a fun few days”
(Fluttershy’s cottage)
He stopped at her door, “Well, I’ll have to return your duct tape, but after that, I’ve got to make myself a shelter”
His eyes widened, “Or I could make myself a shelter WITH duct tape! Genius!”
He opened the door and stepped inside with Fluttershy, “Why is everything so dark in here, Weaselfly?”
The lights turned on and he was greeted by a crowd of ponies yelling “Surpriiise!” lead by Pinkie Pie.
She bounced up to him grinning ear to ear, “Oh Gryllsy I always throw parties for new ponies in town but you’re not a pony so I decided you need an extra special one to feel special like Special Forces or whatever they’re called and-”
She trailed off as she watched him eye the lemonade suspiciously, “What kind of urine is this? It’s bright yellow! I like my piss a little darker than this”
She giggled, “That isn’t pee, silly! That’s lemonade!”
He leapt back in shock, “Are you trying to POISON me!? That’s just DISGUSTING!”
“Well, try the cake, then!” she laughed as she handed him a slice.
He tried it and spoke to the camera as he ate, “The giving of cake is an act of hospitality to the locals. You can tell that they actually like you when they give you the delicious treat. It’s an insult to their pagan gods if you don’t eat this, so be sure to eat up every last bite or legend has it that the chef will cut you up and bake cupcakes with your organs”
She smiled sheepishly for probably the first time in her life, “Oookay, this is getting a liiittle close to home! Come on Gryllsy, let’s play pin the tail on the weasel!”
When he was out of earshot, Celestia turned to Luna and quirked up an eyebrow, “Did he just call us their pagan gods?”
Luna shrugged, “He also calls us weasels, let’s just take it with a grain of salt”
The solar princess giggled, causing her sister to tilt her head in confusion, “Why do you laugh, sister?”
She stared at the banana bread she was eating and chomped the rest down in one bite, “Nothing, nothing. Do you like bananas?”
(On the edge of the Everfree forest, near the site of the dragon’s death)
A black creature scowled at the carnage and turned to his comrades, “Whatever did this is a force to be reckoned with. We must return to the hive to report this”
His colleagues agreed and started back, but he remained. His friend turned to leave, but saw that he wasn’t coming, and waited.
“What troubles you, friend?” he asked, planting his flank down patiently for his peers’ response.
The first one sighed, “To think these ponies have such great power…it frightens me to think that we are going to war with these…things…”
His friend patted him on the back, “The Queen told us that some day...some day we will succeed”
He smiled and started to head back with his friend, “Soon, everyling will feed like they have never fed before”
They both smiled at the thought and trotted faster to catch up with their group.