"And again, I'd like to reiterate just how sorry we all are for-" A pie cut Captain Ed Mercer's apology short, smashing into his face and splattering cream and custard all over him.
"MOONPIE!" Pinkie Pie yelled, and threw another one. The second pie flew through the space between him and the assembled crew, more of a symbolic pie than anything else. Despite being assaulted with pie, no other member of the USS Orville's crew moved to assist the captain. They kept their eyes forward, standing roughly at attention, like cadets at the Union Academy being disciplined. For all intents and purposes, they were at that moment.
The pie slowly slid off his face and fell to the floor. "I deserve that. As well as any other deserts you can hurl at me."
"Could go for a muffin, myself," Lieutenant Gordon Malloy said. The Orville's helmsman had trouble keeping his mouth shut, not out of any disrespect but just because he was an idiot. And everyone knew it.
"That will not be necessary," Princess Luna said, stopping Pinkie before she could wheel out the Party Cannon. At the head of the table, the princess got up and walked towards them, hoofsteps echoing off the Canterlot Castle's walls as she approached. "My sister and I knew there would be... certain risks with contacting the Planetary Union. We've had some recent difficulty with other space-faring organizations, so such occurrences are not unknown to us."
"The Union is very happy to have Equestria as a member planet," Commander Kelly Grayson said. "Despite our performance here, the rest of the Union clearly values Equestrians as an equal part of the greater galactic community."
Princess Luna did not smile. She regarded both the captain and the commander, along with the rest of the crew, very coldly. Pinkie Pie and Applejack, still seated at the table, were both glaring at the assembled interstellar officers. What they had done wasn't something they were very happy with to say the very least.
"I understand, Commander Grayson. Admiral Brian Mitchell made it very clear to us when the USS Forthright visited Equestria two months ago. He also said we would be treated with the utmost respect. Or else," Luna said, voice as cold as her gaze.
The entire assembled crew, save for the Kaylon crew member Isaac, bristled at the sound of the Admiral's name.
Ed chuckled nervously. "Heheh, I uh..., it was my understanding Admiral Halsey was the first to make contact with Equestria."
"She was," Luna quickly replied. "Both her visit and Admiral Mitchell's visit were more productive than this one."
Admiral Halsey was usually referred to as the nice Admiral. Admiral Brian Mitchell, or Bitchin' Mitch as he was quietly known throughout the fleet, was referred to as the ball-buster Admiral. It wasn't wise for a rookie crew like that of the Orville to piss off either.
"Look, we're all very sorry for what happened."
"You've said that already," Applejack pointed out.
"At least a gragillion times by now. Maybe more," Pinkie added.
"My associates are correct," Luna said, still fixating her stare at Ed and Kelly. "We trusted the Planetary Union. We were given assurances from your previous representatives. But your actions have shown us that we may not be ready to join the galactic community. Or that the galactic community may not be ready for us."
"Or anypony else for that matter."
"Heh," Gordon chuckled. "She said anypony, that's, that's cute."
"And actions speak louder than words. We hear you loud and clear, your majesty," Kelly said, stepping forward. "Let us prove to you that the crew of the Orville, on behalf of the Union, is willing to make up for this unfortunate accident."
Applejack quirked her brow. "You're sure it was an accident?"
"Yes. Of course it was," Ed said. He glanced over at Gordon and John, the two men most responsible(in his view) for their predicament. Both men had their eyes pointed directly at the tip of their shoes, even the occasional crack from Gordon had not elevated his eyes a degree.
"Whatever you need us to do to make up for this, we will gladly assist you. In any way we can," Ed said. And he meant it, too, they all did. Ed Mercer may have had difficulty with people at times, especially his personal relationships, but he never once let it affect his job. Or at least he hadn't so far.
"That will not be necessary," Luna said sternly. She turned, doing an about-face as to dismiss them, their apologies and their offer all at the same time. "You've all done quite enough while you've been here, and so-"
"Please," Ed stepped forward, reaching out to her. "We know we messed up. There's no getting around that. But please, give us a chance to make up for it." He took a risk by interrupting her, they all knew it. Interrupting royalty wasn't considered polite at the best of times, and in some situations it was an offense punishable by death. Captain Mercer took a risk because he also knew that such a move showed initiative. It showed commitment.
Luna stared at the captain for a long time. His gaze did not waver, though she did notice him swallow slightly. She inhaled and then exhaled.
"Very well, Captain Mercer."
The entire crew seemed to exhale a breath. They shuffled in place a tad before quickly recomposing themselves.
"Oh thank, thank you, your majesty," Ed said, almost moving to embrace the pony princess. The guy just loved second chances, probably because he got so few of them. "Please, we will take care of everything."
"No."
Silence.
"Um... no?"
"No, you won't," Luna said. She levitated the pies off the floor and they followed her, gripped in her magic, as she returned to her seat. "I will take it upon myself to clean up your mess."
Kelly swallowed. "What will we be doing in the meantime?"
"As it is my duty to safeguard Equestria at night, you will be taking up my responsibilities tomorrow evening," she said. The pie plates stacked themselves on the table, still glowing in Luna's magical clutch.
"You... want us to protect Equestria? For the night?" Ed asked, sounding unsure.
Luna gave a curt nod. "You vessel is in orbit, is it not? It possesses sophisticated tools with which to observe our world, yes? You will use them to monitor our kingdom and address any potential problems."
"Y'all can handle that, can't you?" AJ asked.
"Oh- absolutely," John LaMar, the chief engineer said. Being the technical expert, he was most qualified to answer the question. "We have plenty of tools to watch your world with."
"Including YouTube."
"And we will only be using those tools with your permission," Ed said, teeth gritted so Gordon got the message.
Luna nodded again, finally appearing warmer. "Very good. Tomorrow evening, you will take my role as guardian of Equestria while I clean up your mess."
"Uhh..." Pinkie and AJ both went. Gordon and John also echoed this noise, although much quieter.
AJ adjusted her stetson. "No offense, your highness, but doesn't seem like kinda a bad idea?"
Pinkie nodded, her head making the sound of a single bean rattling around in a can. "I agree. This sounds like a BAAD idea. I'm sure there's many more responsible ponies we could get to watch Equestria for you. Like me and Gummy!"
"Or Twilight."
"Or Twilight," Pinkie said, taking AJ's hint. "Though Gummy is VERY responsible for a baby alligator. He watches Sugar Cube Corner for me all the time when me and the Cakes go out of town and usually almost everything is okay when we get back."
"Remind me to check on the place more often," AJ said.
"That will not be necessary," Luna said. "Beginning tomorrow at sundown, the crew of the USS Orville shall safeguard Equestria for one night."
Ed smiled and nodded. "Thank you, your majesty. Again, we really want to-"
"And if there are any problems this time," Luna said, her gaze turning to ice again, "you will all answer to not only Admiral Halsey and Admiral Mitchell... but to me." The pie plates crumpled into balls in an instant, the metal bending and squeezing what remained of their contents into mush that oozed out of the sides and onto the table. "Is that clear?"
"Yes ma'am. Yes ma'am," the crew said.
"Good. Dismissed."
"Wow," Pinkie said, holding up one of the pies. "If you guys mess up again, you're totally screwed." The crew departed Canterlot Castle without making another sound. They all knew what Gordon would have said though, the extra comment he kept to himself this time. They all heard it echoing in their minds: I hope the pink one isn't right.