November 3rd, the Year MCCCXLV
I feel his absence everywhere I go. The castle seems emptier without him, less vibrant. I have lost one of my greatest comforts. I have lost a part of myself, and I did not realize how much I had come to depend on it.
Ford has been gone for two days now. No goodbye parting, no letter, nothing. Just the stoic silence of a soldier who does his best. He has always been an admirable warrior, upright and honest. I admired that about Ford, that no matter what he did, whether it be training for combat or something as simple as cleaning floors, he would put his all into his work. No hesitation, no complaints, just a desire to do his work and see it through.
Was it because of his own will that he did so, that he put his all into everything he did? Or was it for the approval of another that he worked- my approval? Has my foolishness and fear cost the morale and work ethic of a proud soldier? Hearth Fire had high hopes for Ford. He believed that he would be the leader of the next generation of warfighters. Has my influence, my foolhardy actions, cost us a once-in-a-generation talent? I pray not.
I know some would be scornful if they saw my writing. They would believe that I have been cold, unfeeling to the loss of a beloved. That I should weep and be woebegone. Others might claim that I am being self-centered, thinking nothing of Ford and his own troubles. After all, he loved me since he was a boy- how can he feel now, seeing it come to an end like this?
I cannot speak for Ford. I will not again. His emotions, his thoughts and feelings- the sum of his whole belongs to him and him alone. To speak in his stead would be just as much an error as the trouble I brought to him. I know that I hurt him. However, to do anything regarding him now would be a disservice and an insult to his current status. He is somewhere in the northern wilds, it would not be wise to make him lose focus. His soldiers are depending on him to be the leader we have all seen him to be- perhaps for their very lives.
As for myself… I do not feel it. I cannot say why my heart is silent. Am I overwhelmed by the magnitude of it all? Did I just play the game of love rather than partake in it? I feel his absence, yes, his comfort and warmth, but my heart does not ache. I cannot bring myself to mope and mourn. Whether it be for my own sake or the sake of my countrymen, I remain strong and standing. If it is an affront to Ford’s love, then it is one I do not know how to resolve. For now, I must let it be.
No one knows of the events that transpired that night. If Luna is aware of it, she has made no mention of it to me. It would seem that, even to the end, Ford’s secret remained safe. Even though I brought it to an end with a disservice, I did not fail his trust. At least that can be a comfort.
I do not fear the lonely morning. I have been solitary for millennia, and a few months of companionship will not have changed that. I have friends. I have dear Luna. I will not feel this loss, because I have so much to still hold onto.
I can bury this.
November 7th, the Year MCCCXLV
If I could reverse time, I would tread through the waters of the past and slap myself out of my reverie. So stony-faced and noble, indeed! A mask is all it was, and now I sit here barely able to keep my head up!
I was trying to convince myself, I think. That to be alone again would not hurt. That a sudden, small bout of love in the midst of a lifetime’s worth of loneliness would not be felt seemed such a simple, feasible solution- nothing more than a heartbroken girl’s poor attempt at believing a lie.
I see him everywhere I go, I hear his voice with every footstep. I see the mark of the Sun and hope to see his face. He is everywhere I go- the Astrellarium, the mountain caves, even my own chambers. I miss him more than anything in the world, an ache in my heart so great that if my pain were a real, physical thing I would be stabbed upon it.
I let fear guide my steps rather than simply trusting. Ford had suffered, had found a way to endure it- no, live beyond it. He had lost everything, yet gained so much more than he could have ever dreamed. He served his kingdom and his people, he led soldiers- he loved the woman of his dreams and held her in his arms.
I tore that away from him. All because I felt the first taste of truly being mortal in the shape of one I could not bear to lose. I tried to stop it, to think of a way to deal with it, to help Ford seal a wound he had cauterized so long ago. Instead I opened old wounds, brought him more pain than he had ever asked for. To have to turn his back on the one woman he had desired all his life-
It was a gift unlike any other. No one on this earth had ever offered up to me so much of themselves. Not just his life, but his death was to be given to me, a gift he would gladly give. Ford had found a new life alongside me, one so detached from his boyhood that he could finally be rid of it. Instead I tried to drag it right back into the present. I curse my very name. My foolishness, my stupidity, and my relentless fear of what it means to be mortal. I have driven him away, maybe forever.
I do not want it. I want nothing of this pain. I want Ford, to feel him in my arms, to press his lips against mine. Anything of his to bring comfort to my soul. But no matter where I look, I cannot find it. I have lost him, and even when he returns he will not be mine any longer.
I did not realize it, but I came to love him so easily. To have someone so full, so at ease at his standing in the world… I did not even notice that I loved him.
I love him. And I do not know what I will do without him. But someone else may know what I need to do.
Ford, I am so sorry, but I am about to break my silence. Our secret needs to be revealed, if only to one person. I need to hear from Cadance.
November 8th, the Year MCCCXLV
Dear Cadance,
Greetings to you from your aunt of the south. It has been some time since we have met face-to-face, something I hope we will someday rectify- and sooner rather than later.
I hope you are well, and the same for both Shining Armor and Flurry Heart. To command such a kingdom and still have a little one to attend to is no small feat to manage, though I have no doubts you do so brilliantly. I wish you the best, and as much ease as you can be given.
I am sure you are wondering what has caused this letter. This is not an open missive to your kingdom, but a note on a more personal matter. I require your advice on a particular matter, and seeing as you are the Princess of Love, I feel as though there is no better soul to reach out to. I hope you understand, however, that what I am about to reveal to you is told in the strictest of confidences.
Several months ago, I encountered a young soldier who had come into the ranks of my Royal Guard. A well-effacing young man, honorable and trustworthy. However, he had one particular flaw that could not be corrected- that flaw, as I came to discover, was a deep-set attraction to… well, myself. He desired me, though I did not immediately know it. Perhaps against my better judgement, but I came to grow fond of him, and we began a secret relationship that has been well hidden for months now. We thrived, both together and in our separate functions. I felt a growth that I had not yet known, and I watched him begin to excel in a way few soldiers have ever dreamed.
As you may have guessed already, things have not stayed in this happy realm. That is my error, as I have caused him a great deal of grief over the past month. Unintentional, but I tried to help him bury a life that had already been long left behind. Instead of aiding him, I reopened old wounds and cause him great pain. We departed, and not amicably. I wish I could say otherwise, but I fear I have pushed him away forever.
Cadance, I come to you for advice. He is currently on training and will return at the end of the month, but I do not know what manner of return he will bring, nor of whether or not he has forgiven me for my transgressions. When he returns, I will try to find a way to speak to him, and I do not know what I will say- or even what I am supposed to say. That is why I ask for you. What should be my next move? I do not wish to lose him- he is quite dear to me. I have not been loved before, and I do not want to see him go. Not if there is a way to resolve this matter.
I eagerly await your response. If time is what you need, then take it so that I may receive the greatest of your wisdom. And again, as stated earlier, this is told in the strictest of confidence. Please, tell no one- for his sake.
Wishing you well,
Celestia
November 12th, the Year MCCCXLV
Dear Celestia,
How wonderful it is to hear from you! It has been far too long since we have seen one another. Flurry Heart is beginning to speak now, and often asks for her ‘Aunty Tia’ as she calls you. You must find an excuse to visit sometime, so that my little daughter can see her wonderful Aunt.
As for your personal matter… Dear Auntie, may I simply say that I am glad you finally let your royal barrier down! Too many souls have passed you by in your life, desperate to woo you and know you. I am glad that someone found a way to break through your shell and truly bring you out. Though you may not realize it, the very way you speak has changed. Something has been lit within you.
Though you may find yourself angry at me for this, I couldn’t help but laugh at your letter. Do not take this as derision of your worries, or that I disregard them. I understand that you feel troubled, and even guilty because of what has transpired. To see someone you love–yes, I am aware you love him. You would not have asked for my aid if this was a mere passing fancy- be hurt because of your own actions is never a pleasant thing. But my dear Auntie, I am afraid you are simply overreacting!
I know that you have dwelled upon this earth for far longer than I. You have seen and experienced much, so please do not cast aside my words as childish and inexperienced. I know love. I know you, which is even more important in this matter. You are inexperienced with ways of the heart, so of course you take this seriously. You are kind and caring, so it is no surprise to me that this troubles you. But I believe you are giving it more weight than it deserves. Fights happen. If you have been together for several months, as you mentioned earlier, than you are likely just reaching the phase of the relationship where these things can happen. It doesn’t necessarily imply weakness or a brittle relationship; you are simple comfortable enough with one another to begin showing your flaws.
This sort of thing will happen again. It may be easier to smooth out, it may not be. But love, real love, always finds a way to mend itself in the end. If he is as loyal as you have implied him to be, I would be willing to guess that he is as troubled as you are. But do realize that quarrels are normal. Not even Shining and I can always see eye-to-eye.
I wish you well, and hope to see you soon.
Love,
Cadance
P.S. Your secret is safe with me. Happiness to the both of you.
November 17th, the Year MCCCXLV
I… am occupied. Perhaps not in the most wholesome of ways.
Cadance, despite my initial reactions, is most likely correct. She is, after all, the Princess of Love. I should listen to the counsel I have been given. But I would be a liar if I did not say that my first reaction was anger! And such a fiery thing too, bristling and hot beneath my skin. As I boiled in my anger, I began to realize that I did not know why I was so angry in the first place. Had I not asked for this, even asked Cadance to take additional time for the best answer possible? Why was I unhappy for being given counsel that I had asked for? Shame cooled the fire in my blood, a shame I should have been wise enough to know on my own.
I have been given wisdom. Wisdom that is likely right, but I do not know what to do with it. I am certain Cadance is correct, but I am still left standing here while Ford is training in the northern wilds. It will still be some time before he returns. What do I do in the meantime to settle my own soul that is so on the edge of shattering from the nerves I cannot extinguish?
Oh, heaven help me. I am thousands of years old and I do not know what to do.
November 20st, the Year MCCCXLV
I sent Ford a letter. Hearth Fire came to report the progress of Ford’s squad, reporting that the majority of the training is now over. They will be returning back to the Crystal Empire and resting there before continuing home. As a means of greeting them and congratulating the soldiers on their success, well-wishes and letters from loved ones are being gathered to be sent tomorrow morning.
As discreetly as I could, I slipped a small note into the mixture of parchment and papers, titled as simply as I could so as to avoid detection. Just a simple thing, a small reminder that I still care for him- that I do indeed still love him, and long for his return.
But what if he no longer feels the same?
I will bury that thought. Until the time comes to deal with it.
November 25th, the Year MCCCXLV
A gift of flowers awaited me in my room as I returned from my duties. A beautiful bouquet of Gardenia’s- the flower of a secret love.
Ford hasn’t even returned yet from training. He doesn’t arrive for another three days, this couldn’t possibly be from him, could it?
Ford, please return here safely. My heart, and my sanity, both depend on it.
November 28th, the Year MCCCXLV
He loves me also.