Dan and the Doctor stepped into the well-lit Tesco, their eyes taking a moment to adjust to the fluorescent lighting. The air conditioning made it cool and comfortable, not as cold as it was outside. The two adjusted their winter clothing but did not remove it.
"So what do you wanna do? Ask customer service?"
The Doctor nodded. "More or less. They should be close by."
"You both look dreadful."
"What?"
"Hey!" They both turned to face a new face. Or rather, a masked face.
"Where have you two been?" The voice sounded mechanically distorted, but there was no indication of how. The mask itself and the individual wearing it were actually both familiar and unfamiliar at the same time.
"Well, we just got here. I'm the Doctor and he-"
"What's it to you?" Dan asked. He looked over the stranger. "What're you supposed to be?"
"Security," the pony answered, still distorted.
Dan looked them over again. "Is that what that get-up is supposed to be? Wait... where did you get that?"
Enigmatic Good Samaritan
The Mysterious Mare Do Well
?
It was Mare Do Well, or at least a pony wearing a Mare Do Well costume. At least four ponies were known to have worn said costume, but it had been retired long ago. After Rarity had first made it, Twilight, Fluttershy, Applejack, and Pinkie all had used the guise of Mare Do Well to teach Rainbow Dash a valuable lesson about humility and modesty. Mare Do Well hadn't appeared since outside of the occasional Nightmare Night celebration.
However, this wasn't the same Mare Do Well outfit. It was winterized and the shoulders had been reinforced with extra armor pads. It looked like a cross between Mare Do Well and a football player.
This Mare Do Well was angry, however. "If you're here for the auction, you're already late. They've already started in the back of the store. What you want is there."
Dan huffed. "What we want is information-"
"What you want is in the back of the store," Mare Do Well said in a threatening voice. "Get moving. You don't have much time left."
"For what?" Dan asked. His mind was starting to piece it together, but not quite. "What're you saying? Are you- hey, quit pushing!"
"MOVE," the voice boomed. Mare Do Well shoved them both in the direction of the store's rear.
"Well, that was certainly rude."
"I take it that doesn't happen at every Tesco?" Dan asked.
Doctor shrugged. "Eh, maybe up north."
Dan had no idea what he meant by that, but he did know the difference between someone telling him what to do and someone just telling. Whoever Mare Do Well was, they clearly were trying to subtly direct them to some auction in the back of the store. The two decided to take the unspoken help and began making their way through the aisles. When Dan glanced over his shoulder back at the entrance, he expected to see Mare Do Well had vanished. But the strange pony was still standing there, supposedly guarding the entrance.
Both Dan and the Doctor had visited grocery stores in Equestria and grocery stores on Earth. From the moment they took notice of what this store carried, however, it was clear that this wasn't a store that belonged in either. It took them a moment to notice, as they traveled down an aisle anyone would immediately assume was for frozen food. Until they looked into the freezer cases, behind the see-through freezer doors to the contents beyond and realized they didn't contain food at all.
Well, not the kind food regularly sold in this universe. What this store sold was ponies.
"What in the actual hell?"
"They're frozen," the Doctor remarked, equally shocked. "But why?"
"Like... like t.v dinners! Really, really bad t.v dinners! So, like normal t.v dinners!" Dan exclaimed. He opened the nearest door and yanked one out. The frozen ponies were stacked back to back, hanging in frozen sheets of ice.
"Dan, be careful! We can't just go breaking them out of the ice- that could kill them!" The Doctor said. He grabbed the frozen ponesicle from Dan.
"You're the doctor, here, do something!"
"I'm trying, calm down," Doctor Whooves said. He looked the frozen occupant over. His mind raced, searching for the solution. Both his hearts pounded- he had two even though he was a pony, and his eyes scanned every detail they could. "She's still alive. I can't make out who it is, could be Blue Beacon or Uplift." The mare was light blue, and a lot of ponies had similar coats so it could be any of them. Her other features were blurry but could be made out.
"No, no," Dan looked over the frozen mare, "That's Colgate."
"You mean Minuette?"
"No, Minuette's a different mare."
"How do you know it's Colgate, then?" the Doctor asked. Dan pointed to something at the edge of the frozen frame, something else embedded in the ice. Just near her head was a toothbrush, toothpaste and floss. "Ah. I see."
"They froze her with her accessories," Dan remarked grimly. "This is a toy story." He flipped the frame and looked at the back. As he suspected, there were directions on defrosting 'Your new pony friend' on the back.
"Incredible," the Doctor said. Dan looked back at him and Whooves added, "Horrible... but incredible."
"Can you revive her?" Dan asked.
The Doctor looked at the directions. "Well, according to this, anyone over twelve can fully revive her, but it says ages ten and under should only do so with adult supervision."
"Great, so basically, anyone over twelve can own their own slave. How wonderfully disgusting," Dan scowled.
"Yes, but we'll need something called a carbonite transfer platform in order to complete the process and fully resuscitate her," the Doctor read. "Don't suppose you happen to know where one of those might be?"
"Not a clue."
"Unfortunate." The two men reluctantly returned the pony to the case with the others. She'd have to wait, as would they all for Dan and Doctor to find a way to revive them properly. Dan picked up the pace, fists now balled as they approached the rear of the store.
They passed down more aisles, some with freezers and some without, but all different levels of disturbing. One aisle was for zebras, another for earth ponies, Dan went down an empty one that was labeled "Humans" but did not find the form of anyone he knew. Either they hadn't stocked many humans or they'd all been sold, either way, it was a cause for more concern and a reason to move faster.
They arrived at the back of the store and Dan decided he hated it more.
"You promised us rares!"
"We want the RARES! None of this gray-tier crap!"
"People, please," the auctioneer said, "the auction is almost finished so please, let us press on, shall we?" The crowd was mostly sitting in folding chairs or standing nearby, some had apparently purchased frozen ponies and other creatures from the auction. Some were human, some were other beings like yaks, minotaurs, even a few ponies and zebras. Badlanders. Race, creed, country, nothing mattered to them- they were the perfect example of total equality. Because they were out to make everyone but themselves equally miserable.
"That... greasy... yellow... slimeball," Dan said, watching as two ponies dragged another frozen pony onto the stage.
Writhe N. Payne stood at the podium, sweating as usual, holding the auctioneer's gavel. It was the only time a gavel would ever strike in his favor.
"Someone you know, I take it?"
"Unfortunately," Dan nodded once. "Mustard-colored moron tried to screw us over in the Crystal Empire. He's a crooked lawyer, works for Vice Grip. I don't think he recognizes me." Covered in layers of clothes, Dan did not exactly look like himself. "This isn't a grocery store. This is a black market."
"Now, let's continue," Writhe said. The next item was propped up behind him, another frozen pony. "You wanted rare, well how about royalty? Ladies and gentleman, one of our last items up for bid- an authentic princess of Equestria!" he announced. The crowd, some of which had still been murmuring complaints, fell silent.
Dan and Doctor Whooves leaned forward, but couldn't make out who it was.
"Recently captured by the esteemed Mr. Boba Fett himself, I give you Princes Mi Amore Cadenza!"
The crowd awed at the spectacle. Clearly, this was satisfying to some of them- they were here to collect rare ponies. Maybe rare everything.
The Badlands was an entirely lawless section south of Appleloosa and the Buffalo Plains. The trains and wagon trains didn't even travel through there; no one went there without important business. Bands of raiders, thieves, outlaws and other criminals roamed the area hunting and preying on anything they could find, including each other. Slavery was common; if you weren't strong enough or if you were unlucky, you were collared and put to the whip for the labor needed to maintain an outlaw camp.
Equestria had made no real attempts to civilize the Badlands. An expansive cave system stretched underneath the Badlands, supposedly a network of ancient changeling hives. There were crystals that absorbed magical spells, making it dangerous for even the princesses or high-level unicorns to travel. Of course, the thought occurred to many that Celestia or Luna could just vaporize the whole area, wipe it off the map, but that would undoubtedly endanger more innocents than guilty. And any lesser spells would just be absorbed.
Writhe N. Payne smirked. "I can tell I have your approval now. Let's start the bidding at five-thousand."
"Five-thousand five-hundred!"
"Six-thousand!"
"Six and a quarter!"
"I hear six and a quarter, can I get seven?"
"Seven and a quarter!"
"Eight thousand!"
"Nine-thousand and one!"
"Cute, but serious bids only, please. Can I have nine-thousand, five-hundred! Yes, thank you, there I have it. Ten-thousand, anyone?"
"Ten-thousand bits!"
"Ten-thousand bits, we have ten-thousand bits from the lady from Team Galactic, thank you Commander Mars. Can I hear a raise to ten and a quarter?"
"Three!" Dan shouted above all the others. It was enough to stun a few bidders.
"Three?" Writhe repeated. "Three... three million? Three... million... bits..." he began to salivate, used his sweat cloth to sponge up his drool.
"No," Dan said. "Three seconds." Everyone sitting and standing turned to face Dan and the Doctor. "As in, I'm giving you all three seconds to drop everything and get the buck out of here or the next thing you'll be buying is your own funerals."
The two-bit mustard-colored pony lawyer adjusted his glasses. "I'm sorry, but any disputes will have to be handled outside and... wait," he leaned forward, "Is that... yes, it's Dan, isn't it?"
"Indeed it is, you urine-colored law-lackey. Make it easy on yourself and give up because I really don't want to touch you," Dan said. "Even if it's to pummel you."
But Writhe was unphased by the threat. "Just the two of you, no army or warships? Not even Mr. Trite to back you up? Where is he anyway- is Phoenix having trouble rising this time?"
Dan twitched angrily at the mentioning of Phoenix. "One."
Writhe leaned on the podium. "Exactly what are you going to do alone, Dan? My clients are very well-equipped individuals, I think you can see." And they were. The Badlanders all had various weapons from hatchets, knives, crude swords to old Soviet Army tech clearly salvaged from the collection of Project Prosperity. They brandished their weapons and looked at Dan.
"Dan, perhaps we should reconsider. Discretion is the better part of valor, after all," the Doctor suggested.
Dan kept his eyes focused on Writhe. "Two."
"I have an idea," Writhe said, "How about we bid to see who goes after Dan? In fact, first one of you to clobber Dan and his bow-tied friend here gets ten percent off the next item up for bid when the auction closes. Should we start the bidding at eleven-thousand?"
"Three." A minotaur in a leather jacket, leather pants and a leather... scarf came after Dan first. Dan didn't even look at the tall, imposing figure towering over him; he grabbed a folding chair and smashed its legs into the taur's knees. When the taur bent over to grab them, Dan quickly followed up by smacking the larger horned creature in the face with the chair. Less than a second and the poor sap was on the floor.
Writhe's glasses fell off. "Holy shit."
"GET HIM!"
The clientele leaped at Dan. Three thuggish stallions charged at him from the left, legs raised to sock him in the face. Dan dodged their initial lunge, stepped between the middle one and the one on his left and grabbed the middle one by the ears. Yanking hard, he spun the middle one and used the stallion's legs to sweep the legs out from under the one on the right and then headbutted the one on the left with the middle one's head. He smashed their noggins together a couple of times for good measure.
A griffon tried to swipe Dan with a chair from above, but Dan grabbed the third pony off the floor and substituted his head for his own. The chair smashed into the unlucky stallion's cranium, causing the metal to form an imprint of it in the seat. Dan then grabbed the griffon by the claw and whipped him so hard that a flurry of feathers flew off of him just in time to get in the eyes of some zebras that were coming after him with poison-tipped spears.
"You idiots! Go for his legs! Attack him from behind!" Writhe shouted.
Dan backed away from the zebras. The trio of dreadlock-wearing zebra thugs clearly heard Writhe because they swiped and stabbed at his legs. Dan leaped back, dodging, completely unarmed as they pushed him towards an aisle. But Dan saw an opening when the center zebra stabbed to low. Dan stepped on the spear and broke it, then grabbed the zebra by the mane and pulled him over.
"AAAHH!" The other zebras unintentionally stabbed their comrade in the rear. Dan reached for the broken spearhead, picked it off the floor and chucked it into the eye of one of them. He then ditched his cover by deftly pushing him on top of the third zebra trying to stab him.
"Seriously, you're at a black market auction and this is all you can afford?"
A yak attacked him with a scimitar.
"Ah, now that looks expensive," Dan remarked, looking at the sword. "Obviously, you didn't get it here."
"Stop insulting my auction!" Writhe yelled.
"Stop insulting my sword!" the yak yelled.
Dan grabbed a fallen chair and began fencing with the yak. "So where'd you get the sword? Yard sale, Pone Depot, Gorons?"
"I killed a tribal chief for this sword and slaughtered his entire tribe with it!" the yak yelled through gritted teeth.
Dan shrugged, fending off a sword blow. "That's a bit of overkill, honestly. You could've gotten these buy one, get one at Pone Depot. Save some money."
The yak raised the sword high. "I'll save money with your corpse!!" He brought the sword down at Dan's head.
And Dan very easily blocked it by simply raising the chair. Then, he kicked the nearly-defenseless yak in the face, leaving a shoe print on his muzzle. The bottom of Dan's shoes also had the word JERK printed on them and now it was printed on the yak's face. He dropped the sword and fell to the ground.
"You are not a smart shopper. And I am stealing your sword." Dan then turned to the rest of the black market goers. "Now, who else wants to make a deal?"
"Uhhhh..."
"Errrr..."
The rest of them slowly dropped their things and left. Bravery and loyalty were not common traits in the Badlands and not virtues that lasted long.
Dan then turned to Writhe. "Hello, mustard gas. Wanna start bidding for your life? Do I hear two-bits, can I get two-bits for the two-bit lowlife's life?"
"Eh, I'm broke anyway," the Doctor remarked.
"Um... ummm..." Writhe looked around. Dan strode through the carnage right up to him. The yellow pony swallowed and slowly backed away. "Ummm, this auction is over! All sales are final!" He turned and bolted.
And Dan gave chase. "Doctor, I'm going to need you to clean up here, okay?"
Doctor Whooves looked around at the beaten and dismembered thugs around him. "Yeah, no, that's- yeah, that's totally something I could do."
"Good. I'm going to go ask about the... return policy."
"Mmm... cliches. Tasty."
Dan ran after Writhe. The yellow pony galloped as fast as he could, which wasn't very fast allowing Dan to easily catch up, down one of the aisles and to the Employees Only section of the Tesco. Dan chased him through the flapping doors, hot on his trail.
The Doctor reached down to pick up one of the spears when a blaster bolt scorched the floor near his hoof. When he looked up, a familiar face was standing over him.
"Hello there, friend," Boba Fett said.