Be Twilight Sparkle, at your makeshift podium of books. You have gathered together the various elements of...
"It is this the part where I say my first name and what addiction I have?"
Awkwardness.
"No Anon, but you are on the right track. Welcome to the weekly ABLB meeting, where we help each other figure out how to be appropriately social."
"The Great and Sensual Trixie does not see why she is here, and she also wonders what ABLB stands for."
Patience, Sparkle. If you beat them within an inch of their life, it won't make for a good friendship letter.
"No speaking in the third person, Trixie. And as for what it stands for..."
You look at your note card. You might not have thought this through completely.
"The Association of the Blind Leading the Blind."
Starlight nods seriously.
"Fitting."
You clear your throat and address your three associates.
"So! Does anyone have a social interaction they feel could have gone better? It could be a little thing, if that makes you comfortable."
Everypony glances around, waiting. Anon sighs and raises his hand .
"Alright, I'll go first. The other day, I was patting Apple Bloom on the back as thanks for helping me pick up my groceries, and she seemed to like it. Then I went to scratch right behind her ears, and-"
You shudder and scrunch hard just imagining it. Anon smiles in relief.
"Yeah, that, you get it. What's up with that?"
You exhale slowly, trying to calm down and think.
"It's like... Anon, you are from a predator species, right? Claws and sharp teeth?"
Anon looks dubiously as his finger claws.
"Let's just say yes, and get to the point."
You don't like the way Starlight is eyeing the only stallion in the group.
"Right, so scratching is a normal part of your social behavior. But ponies don't have claws or sharp teeth, so our social behavior is more... rubbing, leaning on each other, that sort of thing."
Anon frowns, but nods slowly.
"Alright, so the patting was okay. Is there anything else I could do to show gratitude?"
Trixie waves her hoof in the air.
"The Great and Insightful Tr-"
You glare at her. She coughs, and continues.
"That is to say, I believe I have a suggestion."
You beam at her, happy at how quickly she caught on to how the meeting should go. Trixie smiles a little.
"Suck her clit."
Your heart sinks, while Anon tilts his pure, pure head.
"Trixie!"
She jolts in her seat, look at you with wide eyes.
"Oh, is Apple Bloom a stallion? I mean, you could suck his cock, and I could watch, but just getting him flowers or some other colty thing should be fine."
You grit your teeth.
"Trixie, Apple Bloom is a mare, and that would not be appropriate. She just got her cutie mark a few months ago."
The showmare stares in confusion.
"But that's the first time a stallion sucked my clit, right about then."
Normalnagsgetthehayout.neigh
As you struggle to explain why that isn't a good standard to go by, Anon makes a sigh of realization.
"I get it, I'd be the older woman sucking his dick. Um, if we were gender switched or whatever. Seems like a big favor, just for helping pick up groceries."
Oh no, Trixie the Trixie is corrupting him! Starlight hesitantly raises her hoof. You turn to her with desperate hope in your eyes. Salvage this, my apprentice. She gives you a quick smile.
"What about, promoting her within your secret organization to overthrow the status quo?"
There is no hope.
"Starlight, do you currently have, or are you preparing such a secret organization?"
She looks at you with uncertainty.
"Not counting this one?"
You sigh.
"Not counting this one."
"Then no, not anymore."
You raise an eyebrow.
"Anymore? Do I need to feed you more hayburgers to fill you with the light of Equestrian Capitalism?"
Starlight Glimmer smiles uneasily.
"No?"
Right. You turn back to Trixie and Anon, who seemed to have been whispering while you were distracted. You feel you should be worried.
You are worried.
"What did you two come up with?"
Anon smiles, innocence twinkling in his eyes.
"The proper amount of thanks is showing her a little ball cleavage. Reminds me, I'm going to have to get a ball bra sometime."
...
Does that mean he's not wearing one right now? You try not to stare at his crotch. Why are his shorts so baggy and tantalizing? Maybe if you tilt your head, you can look up his-
Trixie coughs, wearing a knowing smile. That bitch knows too much. You shake your head and smile sharp, pointy friendship knives at her.
"Moving right along then, do you have something to share? Some mistake you made?"
Trixie tosses her mane over her shoulder and sticks out her chest, prominently displaying her tuft. Trotting on thin ice, mare.
"The Great- ah, rather, I didn't make any mistakes, yet for some reason mares are unreasonably hostile towards me."
You roll your eyes. Starlight licks her lips, obviously trying to put it delicately.
"Perhaps it is because you pose like a marewhore and hit on everypony's coltfriends?"
Your apprentice lacks subtlety, yet she hasn't said anything wrong, exactly. Trixie looks startled at the implication.
"I, a marewhore? It's not as though I steal coltfriends, except that one time in Baltimare, oh, and Fillydelphia, and hmm. But I only rut the good-looking ones, so it's fine."
Anon looks around at the group, from your raised hackles, to Starlight's cold stare, to Trixie's artificially voluminous tuft. He gets this goofy smile that makes you want to hug him and push him down to your tea-
That is, it make him look cute.
"Are you serious? Little miss vainglory here is supposed to be a man-eater, or lady-killer, or whatever?"
You feel a little better at the disbelieving tone in his voice. Starlight nods.
"Trixies always get the colts, even when they are jerks."
Anon is grinning at the marewhore.
"Your name is an epithet for that sort of mare? That's amazing! Come on, seduce me, I dare you!"
You start to feel you are losing control of the meeting.
"Now, none of that, we-"
Trixie grins back at him.
"I like a stallion with spirit. Why don't we go back to my room, and I can show you how my hold on you is tight and powerful?"
Poor Anon is lost to his coltish whimsy, giggling at the vulgar pick up line.
"A stallion with spirit! Oh, my sides."
Starlight trots up to him, a hopeful expression on her face. No, don't do it.
"Hey Colt, are you a salt mine? Because I can lick your rocks all day."
You groan, scrunching hard. This was a mistake. No matter how much Anon is laughing, this was a mistake. Then you hear his voice.
"Come on, Twilight, you give it a try."
You stare at him blankly.
Is he serious?
He's smiling at you. The girls are looking at you expectantly. Oh no, you aren't prepared for this, you are a nice mare! Think, make a pun about dicks or slits! Why is it so hard? Oh, maybe that will work...
You swallow nervously.
"I always make things too hard, when I talk to stallions."
You grin uneasily. Anon rocks back in his chair, groaning.
"Oh, that was terrible,"
Your ears flatten and your heart drops like a rock.
"You win, nothing can top that."
What?
"What?"
Anon smiles at you, a healing smile.
"A pick up line's effectiveness is proportional to the terribleness of the pun. You win."
What? Really? You scramble for a quill and parchment, you need to write this down!
"Hey Twilight."
You glance up at Anon.
"Yes?"
"Thanks."
He pulls one of the legs of his shorts to the side. Your mind and magic halt, transfixed.
You have seen the Holy Grail.
Trixie nods.
"That's right Anon, just like that."
Today you have learned that sometimes, even Trixies can be a true sis.