//------------------------------// // Round 6 // Story: Cards Against Creatures // by Dawn Flower //------------------------------// After a ten minute break following the last round, the six students all reconvened in their dorm room. When Gallus and Silverstream returned to the room after giving their update to Starlight on how their game of Cards Against Equestria was progressing, Silverstream started relaying that update to the group. “So, we told Starlight how things were going with our game so far and she said that she was so proud of how strong our friendship was that we were able to laugh good-naturedly about such raunchy language, actually being able to help each other through rough areas that were brought up through the game, or that we haven’t threatened to kill each other yet,” the excitable hippogriff rattled off. “But she also said that the game was only half-way done, so we still have a way to go, but that she was also about ninety percent sure that we’ll be able to make it through the whole game with our friendships intact.” She ended with a smile. “Well, of course we will,” Ocellus spoke up with a smile. “After all, we’re all such great friends, and more.” “And what?” Silverstream questioned. “Hmm?” Huh?” “Who?” Silverstream just blinked twice. “What were we talking about?” “We were just about to start round six of Cards Against Equestria,” Sandbar jumped in, laughing good-naturedly. He then drew the first black card to begin the round. “I have solved politics. My solution is blank.” “Ooooo, topical,” Smolder commented with a sly grin, as she clutched at her own cards. The six students, sans Sandbar who was the Card Princess, then began sorting through their cards, selecting their best match for the first black card of the round. When they had all made their decisions, they passed the cards up towards Sandbar, who quickly shuffled them before drawing them one at a time and began reading them out. “Alright, first card of round six,” Sandbar began. “I have solved politics. My solution is ethnic cleansing.” The laughter was immediate, with the entire group quickly getting back into the spirit of the game. Trying to stifle his laughter enough to continue, Sandbar then drew the next card. “I have solved politics. My solution is all those things that aren’t sex.” The laughter continued, just as high as the previous card. “I have solved politics. My solution is hunting creatures for sport.” The laughter was now starting to die down, so Sandbar quickly moved on to the next card. “I have solved politics. My solution is representing your entire race.” “That is pretty much politics in a nutshell,” Smolder commented. “That’s also basically what we’re all doing here,” Ocellus added. “Aside from Sandbar, of course. I mean, are there any other changelings, dragons, yaks, griffons or hippogriffs at this school besides us?” That did get the other students to consider her question for a moment. “Oh, I’m sure there are some in the background, somewhere,” Silverstream literally waved off. “Anyway,” Sandbar spoke up again, getting back to the game. “Last card: I have solved politics. My solution is quacking like a duck in lieu of a cogent argument.” The laughter was back once again. “Too true,” Smolder commented. “Agreed,” Sandbar agreed. “I’ll go with that one. Who had it?” Yona began waving her hoof excitedly, signalling that it was her. Sandbar then passed her the card. The other five students then all drew another white card, putting themselves back up to ten cards once more. “Okay, now I’m Card Princess again,” Gallus spoke up, drawing a black card. “Do NOT go there! Found blank in my Hayburger meal.” The other students quickly got to selecting their cards for this round. When they had all chosen, they passed them towards Gallus, who gave them a quick shuffle before drawing the first card. “Do NOT go there! Found...” He hesitated a moment, with an uncomfortable look on his face, before continuing. “...an aborted fetus singing Happy Birthday to itself in my Hayburger meal.” “Oh my gosh!” Ocellus blurted out. The other students all had uncomfortable looks on their faces, and Yona stuck her hoof in her mouth, trying not to vomit. “Okay, moving on,” Gallus spoke up quickly, drawing the next white card. “Do NOT go there! Found AIDS in my Hayburger meal.” The reactions from the group were pretty much the same once again. “Wow, that’s a whole new level of fucked up,” Smolder commented. “Moving on!” Gallus said again, even faster this time. “Do NOT go there! Found the body of a 46-year old stallion in my Hayburger meal.” While there was still some uncomfortable looks from the group, there was now genuine laughter from the group as well. “Okay, that one was pretty funny,” Gallus said. “Funny, but not too fucked up; as it should be,” Smolder added. “Do NOT go there! Found the pleasure of watching my boys wolf down my casserole and scamper into the woods in my Hayburger meal.” Gallus rolled his eyes and shrugged his shoulders. “Ehh.” “Though it does make a certain amount of sense,” Ocellus noted. “Finally,” Gallus began, reading the last white card. “Do NOT go there! Found crystal meth in my Hayburger meal.” While there weren’t any uncomfortable looks from this card, there wasn’t much laughter either. “What’s crystal meth?” Silverstream asked. “Crystal meth is a hallucinagenic drug created from the inate magical properties of gemstones,” Encyclopedia Ocellus listed off. Smolder suddenly froze in her motion of lifting a crystal to her mouth as she heard that. “Wait, you mean I’ve been eating drugs this whole time?” “No, no, no,” Ocellus quickly spoke up, waving her hoof. “In order for you to experience the hallucinagetic properties of the crystals, you would have to grind the crystals into a fine, pink powder first and then inhale it through your nose.” She then suddenly blanked when she realised what she just said and turned fully to face Smolder. “I probably shouldn’t have told you that.” “Too late,” Smolder replied. The dragoness then started picking up a few of her gems and moved them to one side. “And I’ll just put a few of these aside for later.” Ocellus just stared at her dragon friend as she gave her a knowing look. “I can’t tell if you’re joking and that’s very concerning.” “Right,” Gallus said, rolling his eyes and drawing out the word. “Anyway, I think I’ll go with the body of a 46-year old stallion. Who had that?” He asked, holding up the blacl card. “Oooooo, that’s me,” Silverstream replied, reaching for the black card, intentionally gracing his talon with her own as she did so, which made both of them blush. Ocellus’ mind was now off Smolder and her possible future drug problem, and back on her ‘Operation: Get Gallus and Silverstream Together’. “Yona turn!” The young yak suddenly shouted out, quickly reaching over and drawing the next black card. “Hey guys, I finally figured out why I was pissing blood for three weeks! It was blank!” Smolder immediately snorted laughing. “Oh, this should be good.” Smolder and the other four students participating in this round all got to choosing their cards and passing them towards Yona. “Hey guys, I finally figured out why I was pissing blood for three weeks! It was plowing that ass like an apple farmer!” There was immediately a roar of laughter from the group, half from the first white card, and half from the prompt itself and hearing Yona be the one to say such a thing. “Hey guys, I finally figured out why I was pissing blood for three weeks! It was squeezing the contents of a burrito into my butthole!” The laughter continued, though it was starting to die down. “Hey guys, I finally figured out why I was pissing blood for three weeks! It was uncut daddy dick!” The roaring laughter was now only a few light chuckles, both from the group not finding it that funny and from the novelty beginning to wear off. “Hey guys, I finally figured out why I was pissing blood for three weeks! It was a powerful release of vaginal air!” The laughter was immediately back up again, this time entirely from the contents of the white card chosen. Yona had to take a moment to catch her breath so that she could read the last white card, but when she first read it to herself, she then struggled to read it out loud because she was laughing so hard. “Hey guys, I finally figured out why I was pissing blood for three weeks! It was cancer of the pooper!” The rest of the group had a similiar reaction, with some of them falling on their sides laughing. “Yona choose this card.” “Yes, victory for Smolder!” The young dragoness announced, standing up triumphantly. Since the card had been hers, she had been able to maintain her composure better than the others had when Yona read it off. Since she was next to be Card Princess, she drew the next black card and waited until the rest of them had recovered from their laughing fit before reading it off. “I’ll take the BBQ bacon burger with a fried egg and fuck it how about blank?” The other students promptly got to selecting their cards for this round, though some them seemed to struggle to come up with a good one. After thirty seconds, all five cards had been handed up. “I’ll take the BBQ bacon burger with a fried egg and fuck it how about respecting women?” There was already a good bit of laughter from the first card. “You know, from the way you phrased it, it actually sounds like something that someone is saying,” Gallus noted. “I’ll take the BBQ bacon burger with a fried egg and fuck it how about eating the last known bison?” There was another good amount of laughter from that card. “I’ll take the BBQ bacon burger with a fried egg and fuck it how about vomiting seafood and bleeding anally?” There was less laughter from this card, and instead of an awkward silence, it was more of a simply unfunny silence. Moving on, Smolder drew the next card. “I’ll take the BBQ bacon burger with a fried egg and fuck it how about all the corn that has ever existed and will ever exist?” There was only a little bit of laughter for that card, so Smolder quickly drew the last card. “I’ll take the BBQ bacon burger with a fried egg and fuck it how about a hug?” The laughter was now starting to die down, with only a few light giggles. “Okay,” Smolder began. “I think I’ll go with eating the last known bison. Who had that card?” She asked, holding up the black card. “That’s me,” Sandbar replied, as Smolder passed him the card. “Alright, Ocellus. You’re up next.” Ocellus merely nodded her head in his direction and then used her magic to draw the next black card. “Dear Princess Celestia. I’m having some trouble with blank and would like your advice.” The other students all selected their cards and passed them to Ocellus, who gave them a quick shuffle with her magic before drawing the first one. As soon as she did, she immediately had to put a hoof to mouth to stifle her laughter when she read what it said. “Dear Princess Celestia. I’m having some trouble with my vagina and would like your advice.” The six students immediately fell over laughing, clutching at their stomachs they were laughing so hard. “Gee, you think Headmare Twilight ever sent that letter to Celestia?” Gallus wondered aloud. That immediately caused the whole group to fall over laughing again. It was almost a full minute before the group were able to compose themselves so that they could continue. Ocellus then picked up the next white card. “Dear Princess Celestia. I’m having some trouble with being hunted by giant rocs and would like your advice.” That card got a few laughs, but it simply couldn’t compare to the first one. Ocellus then simply moved on to the next card. “Dear Princess Celestia. I’m having some trouble with liberals and would like your advice.” “Liberals.” Silverstream grumbled to herself. Her comment ended up getting more laughs than the card did. “Dear Princess Celestia. I’m having some trouble with jumping in front of a train and would like your advice.” There wasn’t much laughter from that card, but rather uncomfortable looks between the group. “Dark,” Yona deadpanned. Wanting to move on quickly and with an uncomfortable look on her own face, Ocellus drew the last white card. “Dear Princess Celestia. I’m having some trouble with achieving the rank of blue belt in Tae Kwon Do and would like your advice.” “Boring,” Smolder commented. “I think we all know what card won this round, right?” There was a round of head knods from the group, as they all agreed which card should win. Ocellus then levitated that card up, but before she announced it, however, she realised that this was an opportunity for her to make a funny retort, like what the others had done to her in previous rounds. With a smirk on her face, she then said, “Okay, who was holding my vagina?” “Ooooooo, me. I was,” Silverstream replied. Ocellus smirk deepened as she turned towards Silverstream and gave her the black card for the round. “Well, here’s the card, but please let go.” She then turned to face the group, however, she was met only with silence. Silverstream, meanwhile, just blinked innocently at her. “Sorry, Ocellus, but I don’t like girls that way.” That comment ended up getting the round of laughter from the group that Ocellus had hoped she woule get with her comment. “Haha. High talon!” Silverstream announced, holding her talon up for somebody to meet it. Gallus, who was the only other one there with talons, immediately got to his feet and met his talon with hers. Ocellus, meanwhile, just grumbled to herself, annoyed that they didn’t see the genius of her own hilarious comment. “Just take your turn as the Card Princess.” “Sure thing, Miss Grumpypants,” Silverstream answered in her usual bubbly demeanour. She then drew the next black card. As soon as she did, she again placed her talon across her chest. “As the Card Princess, I decree that you shall read out your own cards this round,” she announced in her over-the-top hammy tone. “Some heroes fight for justice, others fight for honour. I fight for blank.” The other students then got to selecting their cards. Yona had selected hers first, so she stuck her hoof in the air, indicating that she wanted to go first. “Some heroes fight for justice, others fight for honour. Yona fight for a little boy with big dreams and potatoes for hands.” There was a moderate amount of laughter for that card. “Okay, I guess I’ll go next,” Gallus said, standing up as he did so. “Some heroes fight for justice, others fight for honour. I fight for the beautiful backpacks of Rarity For You.” He got a good bit of laughter for his card. “That sounds like an advertisement,” Sandbar commented. “You’re right,” Gallus replied. “I should be charging her for advertising.” “Well, I’ll go next,” Sandbar spoke up in between his laughter. “Some heroes fight for justice, others fight for honour. I fight for a stallion in a suit with perfect hair who tells you beautiful lies.” That card got a few laughs, but not much. After Sandbar had read out his card, that just left Smolder and Ocellus. The changeling looked towards her dragon friend next to her, to see if she was going next, but Smolder just gave her a silent take-the-floor arm gesture, indicating that she wanted Ocellus to go first. Ocellus then floated her card up in front of her face. “Some heroes fight for justice, others fight for honour. I fight for political correctness.” That card actually got a decent amount of laughs from the group. “Hahaha,” Silverstream laughed to herself. “I don’t why, but that makes a strange amount of sense to me. Anybody else feel that way?” She merely got a couple of shrugged shoulders in response. Smolder then stood up and pretended to dust herself before she spoke. “Well, let’s be honest, everyone; your cards are all duds this round, but fear not, for Smolder has arrived to bring fun and laughter back to Cards Against Equestria,” she announced, lifting up her white card and holding it out in front of her. “Some heroes fight for justice, others fight for honour. I fight for sluts, whores and bitches.” There was immediately a huge roar of laughter from the whole group – easily the largest for this black card. Following her announcement, Smolder began doing some mock bows in response before sitting back down. “Okay, I choose Smolder’s card...” “Yes! Victory for Smolder!” The dragon announced, immediately jumping back to her feet. Her overly competitive attitude got a couple more chuckles from from the group, while Smolder took the black card as her point. “Well, that’s another round over and done with,” Sandbar spoke up. “So, should we take a short break or should we keep going?” “I can’t stop now,” Smolder responded immediately. “I’m right in the middle of my comeback.” There was a bunch of affirmative nods from the other four students as well. “Well, alright then,” Sandbar said, as he drew the next black card.