//------------------------------// // Chapter 5: Conversations With Tirek // Story: My Life As A Psychopathic Nine Year Old Filly // by deadpansnarker //------------------------------// "...And so that's how I found myself butt naked in Equestria, watching my former self dash off to steal my girl, and probably tie her up on some railway tracks later. The rest of my family and friends will I'm sure also be part of the bloody massacre, but in this feeble filly facade, there's little I can do to stop my muscular adonis body from destroying everything I hold dear. Well okay, I suppose I could do without my emaciated ninety-two year old Granny, she reeks of stale urine and whacks me with her walking stick whenever I try helping her into a wheelchair. She's also got this little rat of a terrier that always goes for my balls after I ring her doorbell, but I'll save that gripping tale for later. Everyone else though... I'm kinda shitting bricks round about now, dude." If you'd told me this time yesterday that I'd be stuck in the accursed form of an equine child, substituting the dreaded Tirek for a psychiatrist and indiscriminately swearing every chance I got in a Hasbro tm owned franchise (aside from Monopoly, everyone drops the F bomb after becoming bankrupt), I'd have thought you were absolutely certifiable. And not let you drive home alone without being thoroughly breathalysed first. But here I am, and there he is. The sensation of a cold iron floor under my clip-clopping feet doesn't lie, and neither does the growing headache from my, in hindsight, stupidly Close Encounter Of The Iron Bar Kind. I wonder if they sell aspirin here... well, of course not. Such a medication would undoubtedly prove toxic to a sweet lil horsie like me, but the way things were going south right now, suicide might almost be a plausible option. Hey, don't entirely dismiss the notion out of hoof! I can just picture it now... the producers could devote 'A Very Special Episode' on the controversial subject, and offer numerous helplines at the end as the credits closed in meaningful silence. With my honourable sacrifice, I could save thousands of lives, and give the studio a plethora of Daytime Emmy awards... but on second thoughts, nah. The real Cozy Glow, in all her loathsome glory, would still be out there traipsing around Earth in my repossessed carcass, and I'm not letting her get off that easy! By the time I've finished with her, she's going to wish she never set foot in the hallowed ground of my bedroom! Speaking of which, I do hope she doesn't find that loose plank in the corner: that collection of 'artistic' magazines underneath took me literally years to build up. Ah, how I loved my misspent youth, with the curtains drawn and the hand cream out. Of course, in my current state, I'd have to find some other way to pleasure mysel... grr. Cozy Glow, whatever other depraved things you might do, you DON'T mess around with a man's basic rights! "I see, I see..." Tirek seemed to be expending a great deal of effort in maintaining his current expression, after my heartrending tale of woe had finally ended. "That's a terrible thing to have happen to you! Awful. Truly tragic. But, and I hope you don't think me too upfront for doing this, might I respond by asking you one simple question?" "Just the one?" I arced an eyebrow, somewhat confused. "I just told you about an alternate universe where bipedal simians generally think that your entire civilisation is just something to entertain their kiddies whilst they do the dishes, and you only have a single inquiry?! Well, fire away I guess. After all, it's not like I'm going anywhere... for now." "Well, it's kind of a complicated one, so listen close." The deadpan centaur leaned over with uncommon seriousness, and I too craned my neck as far within the confines of this cage as I could manage. "What I want, nay, need to know is... what kind of parents name their son 'Nigel'?! That's the cruelest thing I've ever heard! If I were you, I'd stick to being called 'Cozy Glow', even if you ever change back. You'll get much more respect and credibility that way, believe me!" Tirek could contain his merriment no more, and he collapsed in a fit of coarse laughter which echoed around the spacious chamber. The monsters in the next room responded to the wretched centaur's amusement by similarly howling or growling in chorus, and soon the entire atmosphere seemed to drown within a cauldron of noise. "W-Well... it's not like I had any choice in the matter. What sort of a stupid name is 'Tirek', anyway?! That sounds like a product I'd use to bleach around the u-bend of my toilet! 'Tirek... removes all stains and leaves a refreshing lemony scent behind for your behind'." Desperate to preserve some dignity, I lied through my teeth at how much cooler his birth name was than mine. "Come to think of it, what's your story? How were you so sure that I wasn't your cellmate a while back? I just gave you a full debriefing of everything that led me to be in this horrible situation, the very least you could do in return is inform me of this incontrovertible evidence you have that I'm an 'imposter'." "What?! How dare you demand anything of Lord Tirek! If you value your wretched life one iota, you'll stand down now before I smite you with all my migh... oh, alright then." Like so many 'tough' guys I've known, Tirek talked a good game, but when it came to the crunch he predictably folded like a wet rag. "Remember those letters Cozy Glow sent me, over the last few months? Along with her plans to rule as Empress, she always professed a strong interest in multi-dimensional travel and body switching, and I thought with her mindset she'd find a way to try both someday. You see, despite what you see on the surface, she's always suffered from crippling self-esteem issues about how she looks and her place in Equestria. Probably something to do with her overbearing parents wanting to control every aspect of her life. I don't see what the problem is with that approach, myself. Many centuries ago, my folks were exactly the same... and look at how I turned out!" "U-Uh, yeah. I was about to say the same thing! Kinda." Deciding that discretion was the better part of valour, I let that last remark pass without further comment. "Well, if that's supposed to make me feel sympathetic towards her, then sorry Toots, no dice. My permanently pissed Dad used to spank me when I was knee high to a grasshopper, and he never gave me so much as a crust of bread. Mum didn't really do much to stop him, but her I can forgive since she was pretty much under his thumb. In any case, you don't see me trying to destroy every living being on Earth just because I had a rotten upbringing. That excuse won't wash now, and as far as I'm concerned it never will. However many heartstrings the hack writers shamelessly try to twang." Tirek by now had ceased his obnoxious cackling, and now stared down piteously at me like I was unworthy of his attention. "You talk too much. I have no idea what you're saying half the time. And worst of all, you're boring. If you want a hug and a kiss for being such a brave filly/colt, I suggest you go and bother those pesky ponies instead. In the meantime, you should know that if I don't get my state mandated sixteen hours of sleep a day, I'm liable to get kind of cranky. So, while it was fun at first to hear about your perpetual suffering, the novelty has long since worn off. If you're going to stay, stay. If you're going to go, go. But whatever you do, please give this old fellow a few blissful moments of quiet. Once I've nodded off, you can complain as much as you like. Even a magic blast at point blank range wouldn't disturb me then." Isn't it just typical. You confess all your deepest fears and private emotions to a murderous dictator, and all you get in return is the bum's rush. Whoever saw that one coming? I was just about to turn away in a huff to leave the miserable ol' sack of bones to his long nap, when suddenly something he'd said sent alarm bells ringing in my head, and had me rushing back so quickly I nearly impacted the iron bars cranially at excess force once more. "What do you mean 'if I'm going to stay, stay?' Are you telling me... I actually have a choice in the matter?!" Tirek was already curled up on the floor in preparation for his shuteye (less like a cute cat, more like a grotesque lump) but he slowly turned his head at my question, sighing as he replied as though I was mentally deficient for even asking. "You don't honestly think somepony as resourceful as Cozy Glow wouldn't have another escape route, if her plan went wrong? I always wondered why she so willingly returned the keys to that guard the day after he 'accidentally' dropped them. Or why she seemed so determined to borrow a bar of soap at the time. She only ever shampooed her mane when they turned the hose on us every evening, so why bother asking for an item you don't even intend on using?" "I...see." Humouring the senile geriatric seemed the best idea at this juncture, but this tiresome game was getting me nowhere fast. "As fascinating as it is to hear the aspects of prison life you'd never see on the show, how does hearing that help me abscond from this tick-ridden hellhole in any way, shape or form?" "First of all, it's 'roaches', not 'ticks'. You'll know the difference when they start biting you each day, everyday. And, do you really want me to spell it out for you? Geez, where you come from they must really value the education of their young!" The weary centaur sarcastically remarked, deeply yawning to show row upon row of crooked, blackened teeth. Not a pretty sight. "What is it you can do with a bar of soap and an impression of a key? Please, do take your time figuring it out. It's not like I'm about to lapse into a coma any minute now." I was about to say something quite profane to Tirek, involving the insertion of a certain metallic item up a very delicate part of his anatomy. But then (very conveniently) I remembered one aimless day ages ago, I was flicking through the channels on cable, desperately searching for something to distract me from my depressing existence. That was when I stumbled across an old black and white prison movie, but before I got bored and switched it to Tom And Jerry I recalled the big getaway scene. "You mean, you think she made a copy of the key?" I thought out loud, remembering how far-fetched I'd found the whole unlikely scenario to be. "B-But, I thought that was just a Hollywood fantasy! Even if it wasn't make-believe, don't you need specialist equipment to finish the job, or something? How can you possibly manufacture another duplicate with just a..." "Don't ask me how it was done. Sounds like far too much effort to me, when it would just take a burst of my unsurpassed power to shatter these bars into millions of pieces. I'm just biding my time, that's all." Tirek said with an evil grin, neglecting to mention the fact that he was bone dry of magical energy right now. "Anyway, you might want to check that spot in your cage over there. I'd often see Cozy gloating and manically laughing whilst hunched in that position, and it looked like some kind of hatch was open from below. A secret trapdoor, perhaps?" I didn't waste any more time in asking about the likelihood of all this happening. I first galloped then dived straight onto the place where Tirek indicated with a shaking hoof, and in no time at all found a suspiciously hollow area underneath. Upon discovering the catch and flinging it open, I discovered quite a roomy area... perfect for hiding contraband from any suspicious guards who might be snooping around (Like a time travel device and body swap potion, I thought somewhat aggrieved). But still, what's done is done, and right now my first and only priority is stopping a deranged filly from ruining my entire life and, even worse, shagging my girl. I frantically fumbled around in the dark, hoping against hope that this wasn't a dead end and I didn't have to be permanent neighbours with an old geezer who probably snored like a drain and didn't even brush his fangs after every... got it! I couldn't believe my eyes. There it was, as bold as brass (what with it being a brass object and all), the 'key' to my salvation. I had no idea how it was created, or why Cozy never got around to using it herself, but frankly none of that mattered right now. I'd done it! I could get out of here! I could go home ! I could beat the living snot out of Cozy Glow! I could still pop my cherry by my next birthday! I could... "Hey, is your memory as bad as your hairdo? I thought I told you to pipe down!" Tirek hissed in anger, for without realising it, I'd spent the last few second hooting and hollering like an obsessed football fan. (That's British soccer, for the uninitiated). "S-Sorry, I'm just really excited, that's all." I said, managing to compose myself before inching towards the cage's lock. "I never thought I'd be saying this to you of all uh, creatures, but from the bottom of my heart I thank you, Tirek. You know what? A lot of my fellow bronies think you're this pathetic washed-up old relic who should've been put out to pasture years ago, but you're alright by me!" "Charmed, I'm sure." Tirek muffled his reply, trying hard as he possibly could to drop off. "But why are you trying to leave right now? Wouldn't it be better idea to wait, until you're absolutely sure the coast is clear?" "Not a chance, the sooner I get out of here, the quicker I can find Twilight or somepony of similar stature and put an end to this mess once and for all!" I said without hesitation, trying to display less anxiety than I currently felt. These sweaty pits were a dead giveaway, though. "Now, what's the fastest route out of here on foot, and how can I go through the magically protected main gate...?" "Um, hello? Aren't you forgetting those feathery stubs sprouting from your sides? I believe the pegasi call them 'wings'?" Tirek commented with obvious irritation, showing once and for all he couldn't wait to see the back of me. Hmph. "As for the gate, well that's an obstacle you'll have to figure out for yourself, isn't it?" "I guess so..." I pondered cluelessly, before another aimless thought popped into my already overburdened brain. "You know, I'm actually think I'm going to miss you. If I had the key to your cell too, I'd let you out and we could go 'on the lam' together. We could've made a great criminal partnership, like a modern day Bonnie and Clyde. Or Flim and Flam, if you want a more local comparison." "Oh, don't concern yourself with me. I'd only slow you down, what with my constant need to sleep and moan about everything. There's also my innate hostility which makes me want to shamelessly betray and brutally slaughter everypony in sight, but that's much milder in the great scale of things. Wouldn't you agree?" "Whatever you say, Tirek." By this point I wasn't really listening, for I was too focused on unlocking the cage, flinging it open before trying out my wings. "Hey, this is much easier than I thought! I can already hover, and flutter around in a semi-circle. Twilight, eat your heart out! No flight lessons required for me! With a little more practice, I think I could be a pro..." Oops, no time for that. My attention is drawn to the sound of an approaching soldier, and from a distance I can see him carrying something in his arms. Hopefully not a weapon, but I wasn't about to wait and find out. "Gottagobyeseeyouinyournextepisode!" Fear and determination seemed to give me 'wings' (ha ha), and with very little extra effort I soon found myself vaulting through the air at a speed that even Rainbow Dash would've be totes jealous of. Sensei, I'll make you proud! Anyway, it wasn't too long before I zipped past the somewhat nonplussed guard in the corridor, as I inexorably made my way towards the front gate. With all my innate knowledge of the show, I was sure to find a solution to 'Open Sesaming' that sucker up without spending ages trying to acquire the right artefact. I'll leave that kind of sneaky chicanery to the experts. Like, you know, the former occupant of this body, who I'm afraid will soon be D.O.A as soon as the Big Switcheroo has been reversed. Best say goodbye to her whilst you still have the chance, folks. ...................................... "W-What in Equestria was that pink blur that just flew past me? And why was it saluting?! I swear, the molten fumes here are starting to affect my health. Time to cash in my vacation days, and have a well deserved break." Iron Clad stammered in shock as he staggered confused into the main prison area. He was so in need of reassurance, that even resorting to a conversation with Tirek seemed to sooth his nerves. "Oh, that's nothing to worry about. It's just Cozy Glow escaping, you know... your whole reason for being here? If you go after her fast enough, you might just catch up and get a promotion! Or get torn to shreds by Celestia, if you let her get away. Either way, it's none of my business. Hey, is that warm gruel you're carrying? Mind if I try some, seeing as the pony you bought it for has 'flown the coop', so to speak?" Tirek asked innocently, wanting to see if the milky concoction might help his ongoing insomnia. All at once, Iron Clad seemed to have roughly three simultaneous heart attacks, and despite his heavy, clanky clothing (as hinted at in his name) he turned tail and galloped swiftly through the halls shouting "Prisoner escaped, Prisoner escaped!" "I'll show you who's a 'washed up old relic', Nigel from another galaxy..." Tirek spoke with a wicked guffaw, before noticing that in his haste to leave, Iron Clad had unceremoniously dropped the bowl onto the floor, and it's contents were currently being devoured by a number of foul miniature creatures who thrived in disgusting conditions such as these. What a shame. "Oh, fiddlesticks!"