//------------------------------//
// 075 - Wielders of Ka 
// Story: Songs of the Spheres 
// by GMBlackjack 
//------------------------------//

The Chrysanthemum sent out its telepathic messages, with no regard for Nanoha or Corona’s ability to hear everything. 

We’ve got a Major Sue out there, encountered by Merodi Universalis and brought to our attention by the TSAB. The files are available on the database, under The Collector. We have a potent combo here – Gary Stu, Self Insert, and to top it all off they appear to have Mid-Class 2 Capabilities and knowledge of the PPC. Sunflower, you might need most of the Department of Mary Sues for this one. …Jay and Acacia will head an invasion force? Jumping ahead aren’t we? …Fair, I shall leave it to you. Chrysanthemum bristled. It appears as if that is being taken care of.

“Taken care of how exactly?” Corona asked.

The Department of Mary Sues will, one way or another, assassinate the Gary Stu. It will likely be a big production, but I will be sure to keep you posted.
 
Nanoha nodded. “Thank you, Chrysanthemum.”

We should be thanking you. Evidence of a narrative glitch of this magnitude is one of the best gifts anyone can give us. Believe it or not, we are in your debt. Is there anything we can do for you?
 
Nanoha shook her head. “We’ve got our Narrative under control.”

Corona’s pupils dilated. “Can you… remove ka curses?”

If they are deemed narrative glitches, then yes, we can. Do you know of some?
 
“Starbeat and Blackjack,” Corona said. “That’s all I can think of off the top of my head.”

Mmm… I can send a team back with you to perform the necessary exorcisms. Any other instances of possibly corrupted ka you can think of, Corona? 

“…Two. There’s Melinda and the Watchmaker.”

“Oh, the Watchmaker,” Nanoha put a hand to the bridge of her nose.

Hm?
 
“You already know about him. He’s not a Mary Sue or a narrative glitch himself. He uses some of your technology to manipulate his single universe. You’ve decided, multiple times, that it’d be too much of a waste of resources to deal with him.”

I see. One of those special cases where we cannot act against the plot… Shame. I am sorry.
 
Corona nodded. “It’s okay.”

Regardless I’m sending two Agents from the Department of Bad Slash with you to deal with Starbeat and Blackjack. The Sunflower Official will take care of this ‘Melinda’ as his department is more prepared to deal with it. 

“The Department of Bad Slash?” Corona asked, confused.

Think horrendous romance curses. The agents from there are the most skilled in exorcisms, even ones technically outside their purview. 
 
“…That’s exactly what we need, thank you.”

You’re welcome. When you leave you’ll find the Agents outside. 

“Do you need any more information…?”

We will petition your government if we find need for classified intelligence not contained on this data pad. I doubt we will have to. 

Nanoha lightly touched Corona’s shoulder. “Let’s go. Don’t want to leave Starbeat waiting, do we?”

“Right, right. Thanks again, Chrysanthemum.”

Likewise.

They left the office – and two identical human women were there, waiting for them. Orange hair, white suits, and a rubber duck symbol on their shoulders. Upon closer inspection they realized the duck had three eyes. 

“Hi! I’m Kelly, and this is my partner, Kelly!”

Kelly #2 groaned inwardly at her counterpart’s optimistic introduction.

“We’ve been told you have some special exorcisms needed?”

Corona nodded. “I… Guess so. Let’s go back to the speedster, get you to Merodi Universalis…”

“Oh, no need, we’ll just travel by plot hole!” Kelly #1 said cheerfully. 

“…Travel by what now?”


~~~


Corona, Nanoha, and the Kellys walked in the halls of the Enterprise. 

“Woah,” Corona said, shaking her head and blinking. “I thought only Pinkie could do that.”

Kelly #2 looked at Corona. “Oh, you’ve got a high-tier Aware on your side? Lucky.”

“My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic,” Kelly #1 began, as if reciting a speech. “Known for being one of the more common base worlds within the Q-Sphere stemming from a large popularity quotient. The ‘mane’ character Pinkie Pie is known for her tendency to break the fourth wall, though the precise strength of her Awareness is left vague in canon so the multiversal variants range from simply introducing cartoon physics where it doesn’t belong to allowing powerful godlike seers.”

Corona stared at her. “Did you just explain Pinkie Pie?”

“Mostly. You need a complete definition of Awareness for that to make sense. Which i-”

“Kelly,” Kelly #2 cautioned.

“Oops! Sorry, can’t tell you that, heh.” She shook her head. “Anyway, we should be close to our first target. Starbeat, you said?”

Nanoha nodded. “I believe this is part of the fleet around the grinder she would be operating. I doubt she would have had time to leave yet.”

“Be careful assuming the passage of time when a plot hole is used to move around,” Kelly #1 warned. “For all we know it’s last Tuesday.”

“It’s not,” Kelly #2 said.

“Clearly.”

“You said ‘for all we know’ when you should have said ‘for all you know’.”

“Uuuuugh…” Kelly #1 facepalmed. “And now you get to see some of the issues that come with the ‘odd-pairing’ system.”

Corona blinked. “Uh… what?”

“Upstairs – the Flowers that Be – have discovered that Agents work best when assigned in pairs that ‘bounce off’ each other. Which is to say we’re the most entertaining.”

“And why we’re allowed to have legitimate insanities,” Kelly #2 muttered.

Nanoha raised an eyebrow. “That’s the first I’ve heard of this.”

“We’re here to handle bad romance,” Kelly #2 droned. “Imagine, if you will, spending a life reading every bad romance fic in existence with the imagination to generate every detail in HD quality. Every. Gratuitous. Disgusting. Detail.”

Nanoha and Corona reeled back in disgust at the mere thought of it.

“Exactly.”

“But hey, we get lots of fancy medication!” Kelly #1 piped up. “Totally worth it!”

“You can’t go back from it, that’s for sure.”

The four of them walked onto the bridge of the Enterprise. O’Neill looked at them in surprise. “How’d you get here so fast?”

Corona shrugged. “I think we’re not supposed to question it.”

“Pinkie Pie?”

“No, but apparently the same sort of thing.”

O’Neill nodded, taking this in stride. “Need anything?”

“Transportation to Starbeat,” Nanoha answered.

“She’s not doing all that well since we got the news…”

“Perfect!” Kelly #1 cheered. “She’ll be susceptible!”

“Myth,” Kelly #2 muttered.

Kelly #1 folded her arms and huffed. 

“Just send us over,” Corona said. “I’ll calm her down if I have to.”

O’Neill shrugged. “Take them aw-”

He was cut off by the teleporter grabbing the four of them and placing them in the Skiff chairs flanking Starbeat. 

The unicorn’s front hoof was bloody and her face was covered in tears. 

“What… the hell… are you doing here?” Starbeat growled. 

“Starbeat,” Corona said, holding out a hand.

“Don’t you touch me!” she wailed. “Don’t you use your lying touch to tell me I’m worth something! I’m just some useless wad of fur and flesh that can’t even do the one thing she’s supposed to be good at right! I couldn’t even find the Collector! I c-”

Corona snapped her fingers, creating a small explosion that stunned Starbeat into silence.

“Starbeat, these people can cure you.”

Starbeat blinked. 

“In exchange for telling the Flowers about the Collector, they’re willing to do some things for us. One of those things is to help you. Your curse can be lifted.”

Starbeat’s bracelet started beeping. She looked like she tried to resist for a moment, but decided it wasn’t worth it anymore. Tears in her eyes, she pulled Corona into a liplock, tackling her to the ground. 

Corona knew better than to resist at the moment, just letting it happen despite her extremely potent blush. 

“Thank you,” Starbeat whispered into Corona’s ear before resuming the one-sided makeout session. 

“Woo-eee, that’s a powerful one,” Kelly #1 admitted. “Surprised you’ve lived with it this long.”

“We don’t know how long this has been her life,” her counterpart pointed out.

“Long enough to have an alarm bracelet.”

“Good point.” Kelly #2 cleared her throat. “Starbeat, if you can, please pull yourself from her so we can do this without pinning you to the ground.”

“Oh come on, I think it’s cute!” Nanoha said.

“People like you are the reason these narrative glitches exist,” Kelly #2 spat.

Nanoha blinked. “A little harsh. I say let her have it.”

“No, no, I’m good,” Starbeat said, pulling herself back.

“Oh thank Celestia,” Corona blurted, allowing herself to breathe.

Starbeat chuckled. “You could have tried to be subtle about how bad that was.”

“It’s not tha-”

“Shush. Don’t ruin it,” Starbeat said. She wiped her eyes, turning to the Kellys. “I’m ready. Do what you need to do.”

“Usually step one is beat the possessed individual senseless,” Kelly #2 said. 

“Oh it’s such a good day when we don’t have to do that…”

“They never cooperate.”

“Most aren’t allowed to even become aware of their condition.”

Starbeat coughed. “Move it, please, before I start doing more things to Corona.”

“Right, right,” Kelly #1 said with a smile. “So, stand there.” She reached into her jacket and pulled out a DVD collection of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic with only seasons five through nine. “Should be close enough even though you’re giving off serious AU vibes…”

“Conglomeration universe,” Kelly #2 pointed out.

“Always fun.” Kelly #1 also produced a small bell and the most generic ‘exorcising’ candle of all time. She lit it with a snap of her fingers. 

“I wondered if you had to trick ka into accepting these sorts of things,” Starbeat said.

“…Explain?” Corona asked Starbeat.

Starbeat flushed and struggled to keep her hooves on the ground. “W-well, I theorized that ka curses and such would not be removable by force, or would be significantly harder to do with force. You have to get rid of it in some story-appropriate or thematic way.”

“They’re called exorcisms for a reason,” Kelly #2 pointed out. “That’s literally what we do, since it seems to work regardless of the context. We scare the ‘evil spirit’ out of you. Though in this case I’m not expecting a full Sue to pop out and scare us.”

“Ah, the days we get an easy job…” Kelly #1 said with a smirk. “Hey, what should we do for charges?”

“Not really necessary in this case…”

“Oh c’mon, it’s fun!”

Kelly #2 rolled her eyes. “By all means. Just make it up as you go.”

Kelly #1 squeed. She handed her counterpart the bell, which she started ringing. Corona and Nanoha covered their ears. 

Lot louder than I was expecting, Corona thought. 

“GET BEHIND ME, SPAWN OF UNRESTRICTED LUST!” Kelly #1 declared with a sudden fire to her voice. An ominous wind began to blow through the Skiff. She held her hand to the DVD collection, as if channeling power from it. “YOU HAVE BEEN CHARGED WITH BRINGING ABOUT BAD UNREALISTIC ROMANCE, INTERFERING IN THE DREAMS OF THIS POOR MARE, AND FORCING YOURSELF ON OTHERS, AND ALL THOSE TIMES I BET YOU GOT ATTRACTED TO FAMILY MEMBERS, IDENTICAL TWINS, OR TREES! IN THE NAME OF LAUREN FAUST, I COMPEL YOU TO LEAVE THIS POOR UNICORN’S FORM! FREE HER FROM YOUR CURSE! AVAUNT!”

Starbeat passed out. A greenish blue mist appeared from her body and tried to take the form of a face. It dissipated before it even got close, vanishing into nothing. 

Kelly #2 poked Starbeat. “She’s alive.”

Nanoha and Corona stared at her in horror.

“Relax, there was no chance she died from that. …Almost no chance.”

Corona hovered her hand over Starbeat. “She’s just unconscious. I’ll try to wake her up.”

Starbeat opened her eyes. “Thanks, but I’m up.”

Corona blinked. “That was a quick nap.”

“Decided I was tired of sleeping.” Starbeat shook her head. “Right, so, time for a test.” She shoved her muzzle to Corona’s nose. 

Corona started sweating. “Starbeat…?”

Starbeat started laughing. “You know, I don’t like that horn in the middle of your forehead. I think it’s silly.”

Nanoha giggled. “She’s cured.”

“HOLY CELESTIA I’M CURED!” Starbeat shouted. Then she started screaming like a filly on her birthday. “CUUUUUUUUUUUUUURED!” 

“I wish everyone was this enthusiastic,” Kelly #1 said.

“I prefer unconscious,” Kelly #2 muttered.

Starbeat grabbed the two Kellys in her hooves. “I don’t want to kiss you. I don’t. HOT DOG GIRLS, HOT DOG! HOT DIGGITY DOGGITY DO! Ah-HAH! Oh who cares if this day absolutely sucked until this point, this is the best thing ever. Corona. Go on a date with me.”

“Uh… No.”

“YESSSSSS!” Starbeat said, falling onto her back. “Oh yesssss…”

“I’m confused,” Corona said.

“She’s happy, that’s all that matters,” Nanoha said. 

Kelly #2 coughed. “We don’t have all day. You said there was someone else.”

“Yeah, Blackjack,” Corona said. “She-”

“I’M COMING WITH YOU!” Starbeat said. 

“No, you’re not,” Kelly #2 said. 

“Wanna bet?”


~~~


Corona, Nanoha, Starbeat, and the Kellys stood in the Tengleglade of the Empress of the Void, Empy.

“DAMMIT!” Kelly #2 shouted. 

“Totally sensed the plot hole coming,” Starbeat decreed. “And intercepted it. And followed it. Mechanically, you understand, I’m not Pinkie. AhHAHhah!”

“She’s crazier than we are,” Kelly #2 muttered. 

“I like it!” Kelly #1 countered.

Corona pulled out her phone. “Just let me call Empy here… Hey, Empy, we nee-”

The voice of a Rarity came over the line. “Empy told me to tell you Merodi to stop calling about Twilence. You don’t get to use her personal line to keep bugging the Empress of the Void about her.”

“…This is the first time I’ve called.”

“Different person every time, dear.”

Corona coughed. “I’m not looking for Twilence though. I’m looking for Blackjack.”

“Oh.” The Rarity paused for a moment. “I’ll send her your way.” Corona could tell the Rarity tried to cover the phone with her hoof, but it didn’t block much of anything. “Blackjack? Get up. The Merodi are looking for you.”

“Uuuuuugh whyyyyy?” Blackjack muttered.

“I don’t know! But you better get up because I’m going to teleport you there right now.”

“Shit, Rarity, not that fa-”

“-st,” Blackjack finished in front of Corona, still in the process of standing up. She managed to stand up the rest of the way and throw her mane back, trying to disguise how messed up it was. “Sup peeps?”

Corona hung up. “She did a really bad job of covering the phone.”

Blackjack blushed. “I know what you’re thinking, but no, I’m still single.” She looked to Starbeat. “Rawr.”

“Oh my Stars, you disgust me.” Starbeat giggled. 

“…I’m getting mixed signals from you.”

“She’ll be that way for a while,” Corona said. “Give her a few hours and I expect a crash.”

“So, what did all you lovely ladies want from me?”

“You have a beat curse,” Starbeat said. “One where you are destined to win but doomed to sacrifice what you care most about, right?”

“Is that public knowledge or something?”

“Anyone can just pick up Project Horizons and read it. It’s not the most esoteric of books. By the way, sub-par romance.”

“Hey!”

“Blame Somber.”

Blackjack blinked. “Okay, uh… Yeah I’m not going to keep talking to you.” She turned to the Kellys. “You the ladies who can help me?”

Kelly #1 bit her lip. “Ooooooh boy…”

“That means no,” Kelly #2 said.

“But Kelly! It’s so tragic an-”

“You know as well as I do she’s not giving off a glitch. She’s sanctioned.”

“S-sanctioned?” Blackjack said, stuttering.

“The plot of the multiverse wants you this way,” Kelly #2 said. “You’re not the whims of some sad Prophet messing with powers he doesn’t understand. Your powers… I can sense they have a place in-universe. Within your story.”

“…Fuuuuck,” Blackjack spat, taking a few steps back. “So you came all this way just to tell me ‘oh, wait, sorry, we can’t fix you’!?”

“Oh, we can!” Kelly #1 said. “All we’d have to do i-”

Kelly #2 slapped her. “We’re not allowed to. The Protectors of the Plot Continuum protect it. We don’t shape it.”

“Kelly…” Kelly #1 said, giving her counterpart puppy eyes. 

“D-don’t do that.”

“Kelly…”

Kelly #2 twitched. “Really? You really want to do this? You don’t even know her!”

“…I read Project Horizons. Her story’s so sad and tragic, Kelly! And she’s still an alicorn! That means her ending got screwed up! That’s all she had!”

Kelly #2 sighed. “Fine. All of you, what you see here doesn’t get back to the Flowers, understood?”

Nanoha, Corona, and Starbeat nodded. 

Kelly #2 turned to Blackjack. “…Are you sure you want this?”

“Why wouldn’t I want to keep my friends alive!?”

“Because it also comes with removing the rest of your plot armor. Your ability to win.”

“I don’t give a fuck about winning! Just get rid of this fucking curse!”

The Kellys sighed. Kelly #1 produced a copy of Project Horizons while Kelly #2 grabbed the bell. The candle was somehow already on the ground. 

Kelly #1 had to hold her hand over the candle, as close as she could without actually burning herself. Something in her twitched. “There are no charges against you, Blackjack,” Kelly #1 said. “There is no author to call upon to exorcise you, because you are as Somber intended.” She opened her eyes, the pupils expanding and contracting several times a second. “But there is a sickness of fate within you, one that must be banished. Spirit of sacrifice, bring yourself out of this mare’s body. Let her disappear as she was meant to.” She produced a small, glowing flower from inside her jacket. 

There was no spirit to emerge from Blackjack. The only visible change was the disappearance of her cutie mark. 

“It’s done,” Kelly #1 said. “Go, live your life Blackjack. I’d be careful though, you may find that things don’t go the way you expect anymore.”

Blackjack looked at her blank flank. “…Well that was so sudden and uninteresting I’m not sure how to react to it yet.”

“IDEA!” Starbeat blurted. “Let’s go back to my universe and rub this in the faces of everyone there.”

“Uh…”

“Or I can just go, you can stay here. You know what, I’m going. Bye~!” She vanished in a teleport.

“Emotional high,” Corona muttered.

“It’s adorable,” Nanoha insisted.

“Yeah, it is,” Blackjack commented.

Nanoha hit her with Raising Heart. “Stop being creepy.”

“Ow…”

“Why is she going back to her universe?” Kelly #2 asked.

“Her entire world has that curse,” Corona explained. “Equis Lovestra.”

Kelly #2 facepalmed. “Call the Department. We’re going to need a full-scale sweep. Might need direct Flower intervention for something that big. Hoo boy…”

Corona smiled. “We can never thank you enough.”

“Damn straight,” Kelly #2 muttered.

Kelly #1 rolled her eyes. “This is a mutual exchange of gifts, we’re all going to be even after this. But we’re done now, unless you’ve got any last minute things?”

Corona put a hand to her chin. “I suppose we could check out Melinda…”

The Kellys glanced at each other nervously. “…You really don’t want to do that,” Kelly #1 said.

“Why not? I love crazy OP perfect-bitch,” Blackjack commented.

“You know her?” Corona asked.

“Yep! That was a fun night. …Get your minds out of the gutter, I think her mind’s permanently stuck in PG-ish land. Damn, now I want to see her.”

“We’re not going to be there when you do,” Kelly #2 said. “We’re leaving.”

They were gone before anyone could say anything. …Or perhaps they were gone after things were said, but that was deemed unimportant by ka. 

“My head hurts,” Blackjack muttered.

Corona looked at Nanoha with a worried glance. “Nanoha, would you happen to have any idea what that was about?”

Nanoha’s eyes were wide. “I… I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you actually knew her!”

“We use her sometimes to fight particularly evil enemies… Nanoha, explain.”

“…One of the primary PPC activities is Mary Sue assassination.”

Corona took a moment to process this. 

“What are we waiting for? We’ve got to save her!” Blackjack blurted.

Nanoha hefted Raising Heart. “I’m not arguing, but I expect to lose.”

“Why?”

She pointed at Blackjack. “You just got rid of one of the only powers that could possibly trump a PPC Agent’s ka shield.”

“…Fuck.”


~~~


Pinkie, Vriska, Jotaro, Flutterfree, Nova, and Allure sat on a large couch while Lightning stood across from them, a stoic expression on her face. 

“You’re going on your first mission today,” Lightning explained. “It’s a difficult, but simple one.”

Pinkie, to her credit, decided to be cooperative. “Cool! What is it?”

“Do any of you read Marvel comics?”

There were six shakes of the head.

“Shame, that would make this more interesting.” She threw an image on the ground of a humanoid creature with purple skin, huge muscles, and a jaw with vertical lines in it. “This is Thanos.”

“I recognize him,” Vriska said. “Encountered his kind before.”

“He’s known for being the villain to end all villains in a lot of superhero universes,” Lightning commented. “Nine times out of ten, he is after a device known as the Infinity Gauntlet.” She put another picture on the ground, showcasing a golden gauntlet with six colored gems on its back – one for each finger and one in the center. “This glove taps into the power of its native universe and gives the user almost complete dominion over it. Needless to say, Thanos tends to use the Infinity Gauntlet for evil, a recurring theme being the destruction of half the universe.”

“Yeesh, why not go all the way?” Nova asked. “He seems like the type.”

“Idealism, population control… it doesn’t really matter. He thinks he’s right in what he does, but he isn’t. Your mission is simple – go to this universe, stop him, and retrieve the Infinity Gauntlet. The Infinity Gauntlet loses most of its power when outside the universe it is bound to, and it cannot be used when he is not wearing it, so use that to your advantage.”

“But he’s basically unkillable with it on,” Jotaro said. It wasn’t a question.

“I’m sure you have a way to remove it.”

Jotaro summoned Star Platinum and nodded. “More than one I can think of.”

“Good. It is worth mentioning that this world is technically within Abstract space, but they should not mind our assistance. You leave in about five minutes. It is projected that he will have just defeated the last person between him and the completion of the Gauntlet. Good luck.”

“Won’t need it,” Nova said. 

Lightning nodded, leaving them. 

“This guy sounds powerful,” Allure said. 

“I’ve fought him before,” Vriska said. “Asshole, very sure of himself, strong but not strong enough.”

“Did he have this Infinity Gauntlet?” Allure asked.

“…No.”

“Then he could kill us! Easily!” Allure waved her hooves, holding up the image of the Infinity Gauntlet. “Almost complete dominion over an entire universe! We can’t compete with that!”

“We just have to be clever,” Jotaro encouraged.

“Also we don’t really have a choice,” Vriska pointed out. “There’s no resisting the Collector’s missions, after all!” She chuckled bitterly. “Death would be a release.”

“Vriska, no,” Pinkie said, grabbing her head. “We’re not going to stay here forever.”

“Okay, first, suicide of virtually any kind does not count as Heroic or Just. Second, is that because you know or just want to give us hope?”

“Hrminimmerm.”

“What was that?”

“The ‘stop asking’ mumble.”

Allure sighed. “I just worry that we might not make it back… If not from this mission, than one of the others. This is a dangerous life to lead…”

Pinkie shrugged. “Nothing’s stopped us yet, team! We’re not going down today!” She put her hoof out. “We’ll fight this Thanos together! Not for the Collector – but for the universe he wants to decimate! Are you with me?”

Jotaro, Nova, Flutterfree, and Vriska didn’t even hesitate before putting their hooves and hands in. Allure took a few seconds, but decided she was with them. 

“LET’S GO TEAM!”


~~~


“…and being a Mary Sue. For this, you are sentenced to die.” A large man lifted his gigantic sword into the air, above Melinda’s prone body. He wore a black suit with a potted cactus emblem on it, and his partner was a gecko that sat on his shoulder. 

Melinda had a couple of broken bones, numerous cuts on her body, and had a glazed expression on her face. She was barely able to register that a sword was coming down onto her head. 

Corona, Nanoha, and Blackjack arrived the moment the sword hit, allowing them to observe the gruesome spectacle.

“Melinda!” Corona shouted, the brutal nature of the death worming its way into her mind. 

The man turned to Corona. “Leave this place. The scourge on your land has been eradicated. Go on with your fate as if this woman had never existed.”

“This is not our land!” Blackjack blurted. “We’re not from here!” She drew her starmetal sword.

“Melinda was our friend,” Corona said, glaring. “And you just killed her! What did she do to deserve that?”

“She was a Mary Sue.”

“We knew that!”

The man’s eyes widened. “You knew? And you let her live?”

“She may have been a little odd at times, but yeah!” Corona blurted. “She’s helped us! She had a good heart!”

“A good heart does nothing for the horrors a Mary Sue brings upon a stable plotline.” He hefted his sword. “People like you make me sick.”

The three of them took a defensive stance.

“Maybe I should teach you a lesson,” the man said.

The gecko tapped the man’s neck and whispered something in his ear. 

The man shook his head. “No. An example needs to be made. White Devil or no, I’m going t-”

“DIVINE BUSTER!” Nanoha shouted, tossing the Agent down to the ground with a magic beam encircled in triangular patterns. 

The man dodged. 

Blackjack readied her guns and her sword, surprised to find that for once she was the one with the horrible aim, even with her augmented eyes. “What the...?”

The man rushed Corona, lifting his sword high. 

She teleported behind him and put her hand to his cheek, just enough of a contact to get the surface of who he was…

Ray was watching a group of heroes talk about amazing adventures, and above all he was enamored by the ‘heart’ of the group, a girl named Susan who looked… different from the others. She had strange blue pants… Women never wore pants, it was always dresses, but Ray couldn’t question this. He could just stare from the bushes, enamored. 
 
“Oh, by the way, there’s a trap here,” Susan told the party nonchalantly. The rest of them all seized up in fear, taking her words completely seriously despite the relaxed tone. She reached into the ground, picked up a strange black disc, and threw it over her shoulders. It exploded over the next hill. “There! We can keep going!”
 
Ray’s house had been over that hill.
 
Ray’s family had been in that house. 
 
Ray tracked down and killed Susan. He would later find out he was able to because there had been some PPC agents on the scene, manipulating the fate of the world, but he didn’t care. She – and all her kind – needed to die for their careless perfection.

“I… I’m so sorry,” Corona said, catching his sword with her bare hands. He drew blood, but her magic reserves pushed the blade back. “But she wasn’t like that. She didn’t kill people. Didn’t even try until we forced her.”

“All of them come from the same filth!” Ray shouted. “Every last one!” He swung at Corona again. He used his back foot to deflect Blackjack’s sword.

“Fucking…” Blackjack muttered.

Nanoha had clearly had enough. “STARLIGHT…”

Enough! A loud telepathic voice boomed.

“CANCEL! CANCEL!” Nanoha yelled at Raising Heart, keeping her mini-doomsday-in-a-sphere spell from going off. 

A sunflower in a suit appeared in front of them, looking down on them all without an expression, though everyone felt guilty. Ray, you have no need to fight these women. They are not your responsibility, nor are they even part of the PPC’s jurisdiction. You are to report to Jay and assist with the Collector efforts. 

Ray looked like he wanted to say something. 

Now, Ray.

Ray nodded – and was gone, gecko partner and all. 

As for you, the Sunflower Official said, leaning in to the remaining three. Consider this a warning. Do not interfere with proper PPC procedure. There will be consequences if you prevent an assassination. 

“How can you just kill them all!?” Corona blurted. “That’s just cruel! How can that be right?”

Do not pretend that you understand the machinations of the plot, Corona Shimmer. Your best expert on the subject was a romance-crazed unicorn who wasn’t in control of her own body. We Flowers have been at this for almost our entire existence as a society, willing to go where others are not and risk the dangers of directly interfering with ka itself. I can tell you many things about your fate just by looking at you, Corona. Your character arc, your inner motivations, what plot threads lie unresolved in your life. Believe it or not, this is part of those plot threads. The understanding that you have them as such a complex individual. One so close to the center of this mess.
 
Corona stared at the Sunflower Official. She didn’t have any answers for him, or any response at all. 

Nanoha, on the other hand, did. “You’ve saved Sues before.”

Special cases that are not done by the book.

“Maybe the book needs changing.”

You’ve effectively banned the art of plot manipulation in your society. Change that, and maybe we can talk.
 
Nanoha narrowed her eyes. “You really don’t want to consider that your definition of the true plot might be wrong, do you?”

Goodbye, Nanoha. The Sunflower Official vanished. 

Blackjack threw her sword to the ground. “Well that was pointless!”

Corona looked at Melinda’s dead body and curled her fist. “Such brazen disregard for death…”

Nanoha put a hand on Corona’s shoulder. “Hey, Corona… They think about things differently. We need to understand that.”

Corona nodded slowly. “I don’t suppose one of them would let me touch them…”

“Definitely not.”

Corona sighed. “…Let’s just go.”


~~~


Equis Lovestra.

Known to some as the Shipping World.

The world where all ponies were stuck in a curse – a curse where love was cheap, fast, and more often than not simply situational. The ‘click’ happened multiple times, love was never expected to last, and everypony was obsessed with the shallow image of the emotion. 

Starbeat hated her home with a passion. She had been the only one to see that their nature was a curse. That the clicks were horrendous. She was lucky to have been allowed to leave, otherwise she would have gone truly mad from trying to resist the curse. 

As it turned out, she only went slightly mad, and was eventually able to free herself from the curse. 

And she felt like bragging about it. 

She walked down the main street of Equis Lovestra Ponyville, not surprised in the least to find a crystal castle in the town now. She walked up to the front doors and knocked. 

A version of Spike opened the door – slightly younger than Equis Vitis Spike, but still roughly ‘teenage’ for a dragon. He widened his eyes when he saw who it was – the goggles assuring him it wasn’t just some alternate version. 

“How about you go tell Princess Ship I’m here?” Starbeat suggested. “We have a lot to talk about. Or, well, one thing, but you know.”

Spike turned his head. “TWILIGHT? YOU’LL NEVER BELIEVE WHO’S HERE!”

“Who!?” Twilight called, teleporting to them instead of waiting for an answer. She was an alicorn now, no surprise there, though the fact that her mane was up in a bun and she wore rose-tinted glasses was. 

The Princess’ jaw dropped. “Starlight!?”

Starbeat smirked. “The one and only! Your Starlight Glimmer, known in the multiverse as Starbeat!” Her smirk turned into a scowl. “I’m home.”

“W-why did you come back? You hate this place!”

“Oh, I do, but I just felt the need to brag a bit. Notice anything… different about me?”

“You’re older and a lot less skittish.”

“I was not sk- okay I was.” Starbeat rolled her eyes. “The point is, I got cured.”

Twilight looked at her in fear. “C-cured?”

“Yes. Cured. I no longer suffer from clicks. I’m allowed to feel disgusted at people who make romantic moves on me. I’m allowed to talk to people without the constant danger of feeling the need to lock my lips with theirs. I’m free.”

Twilight took a few steps back. “N-no. No you can’t do this!”

“Do what?”

“You’re going to take it from us!”

Starbeat facehooved. “Oh for the – relax, no I’m not. I’m just here to tell you ‘I told you so’. I told you so. You can keep your stupid curse if you like it and don’t even want to think about changing. You can keep your little meaningless ships!”

Twilight let out a breath of relief. “Oh thank Cadence… I was worried there for a sec.”

“Hey you don’t get to be let off the hook like that. Look at me Twilight! I’m cured. The highest experts on fate in the multiverse analyzed me, and they said I was a glitch. That means you and this entire world is a glitch as well! This curse was not meant to be!”

Twilight looked at her, gaze stern. “So? Who cares if it’s not meant to be? It is and it defines our world. It is what we live for.”

“Well now you have to live the rest of your life knowing it’s not something worth devoting an entire world to,” Starbeat said with a huff. 

Twilight smirked. “I like those who challenge me, you know.”

Starbeat’s bracelet started beeping – but it wasn’t because of her. Twilight rushed Starbeat. 

Starbeat slapped her back. “NO!” she screamed.

Twilight stared at her, pained. “So, you won. You’re able to resist the click. Lucky you, bet you have a great time finding love.”

“I’ve spent much of my life away from you studying what love really is. It is a slow, deep, and emotional process that forms over years. It can begin in many ways, often deep burning passion, but is best between people who really know each other. They spend their entire lives together. Sometimes raise a family, sometimes not – it doesn’t matter! What matters is that true love, when fulfilled, is a permanent feeling that shouldn’t go away or be interrupted by anything!”

“You’re lecturing me on love!?” Twilight shouted.

“YES I AM!”

They felt the world shake. 

They didn’t even look at each other. They both teleported outside in an instant and looked at the sky. 

In the sky, they could see it – a flowery construct, orbiting the planet. It was large enough to fill the sky, dimming the light of the sun with it’s translucent petals. 

“…Did they follow me?” Starbeat wondered.

“…No no no!” Twilight screamed. She spread her wings and lit her horn, unleashing a complex set of spells she had prepared for such an emergency. Her five friends appeared around her, the Elements of Harmony appearing around all their necks. The Element of Magic appeared on her head. “No time to explain!” she told them. “But the Flower above us is trying to take away the love in our world – we must stop it!”

Her friends trusted her, nodding. Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy glanced at each other awkwardly, but smiled at each other anyway. A beam of rainbow light came out from the six elements and shot toward the flower in the sky. 

The flower activated. A pulse of invisible energy rippled across the planet, one Starbeat couldn’t even feel. But she saw it. The six ponies next to her had a blue-green essence forced out of them, where it dissipated almost instantly. …All except for Twilight’s essence, which stayed around long enough to scream. 

Twilight looked at Starbeat, tears in her eyes. “…What have you done!?”

“I don’t know,” Starbeat muttered, lighting her horn for a transmission spell. “HEY! PPC! I KNOW YOU’RE UP THERE! DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU JUST DID!?”

We cured the plot, a telepathic voice came back, that of an unknown Flower they couldn’t see. 

“BUT THIS WORLD’S SOCIETY IS GOING TO COLLAPSE!”

As the Tower wills.

Starbeat growled. “THAT’S STU-”

Goodbye. The flower in the sky vanished, leaving the world alone – and broken. 

Starbeat could already hear crying in a nearby house. 

She pulled out her phone and dialed the Aid Division. “This is Starbeat. Patch me through to Overhead Cross Beam. Equis Lovestra is suffering from a complete societal collapse because of our actions. I’ll explain more once you get here – know that they’ve been cured of the curse.”

She hung the phone up. “Your world won’t destroy itself from the inside out. We have people who can deal with this.”

“You’ve still destroyed us!” Twilight shouted. “You’ve…” she realized she didn’t have any positive feelings at all towards Starbeat. None. She shot a laser at her. 

Starbeat redirected it into Twilight’s horn, knocking her over. The princess’ friends rushed to her in concern. 

Starbeat sighed, looking into the sky. “Nice going Starbeat, screwed everything up again.”

 


~~~


The Golden Joke held another meeting, and once again everyone was there. Notably, there were a few additions – Nanoha and a handful of TSAB mages being the most prominent. 

The Flowers had called this meeting. 

Chrysanthemum ‘stood’ at the podium, as best a literal flower could, but somehow it just worked – that seemed to describe a lot about the Flowers. 

I understand there have been a few incidents since we started the movements against the Collector. We cured one of your personnel of her corrupted ka and were praised for it. But when we cured her entire world, you took issue. A similar issue was taken with our course of action concerning Melinda in a completely standard assassination. Let it be known to all nations of the multiverse here – regardless of if you agree or not, we demand that you no longer interfere with PPC operations. Stopping the assassination of a Mary Sue is an offense often punished by death. If it is a government who moves against us, even the TSAB, they will find their nation doesn’t run as smoothly all of the sudden. Problems will crop up from seemingly random locations. You will know we twisted ka just slightly.

Nanoha glared at Chrysanthemum. “This threat will not be taken lightly.”

That much is understood. But we cannot have anyone interfering with the plot, for it might bring everything crashing down if done at just the wrong moment. We wish to make it clear that the actions of the PPC are protected. Interfere and suffer the consequences from here on out.

There was silence from the crowd. 

Moving on to a more unifying matter, the Collector. He is one of the most prepared Gary Stus we have ever come across, likely because he has read the PPC source material with at least passing familiarity and has used his heightened planning to predict what sorts of capabilities a fully advanced race of Flowers would be able to do in the multiverse. 

A hologram appeared behind Chrysanthemum of a cluster of universes. 

He is moving them around as we tunnel through them with the ka-signature, Chrysanthemum revealed. He’s sending us in a hundred-universe long circle, one that changes every time we go around. The fleet has not been able to locate his universe yet, and he keeps throwing hidden universes at us just to keep us off the scent. 
 
Our own universal sliding machines have been put on the case of organizing that area of the multiverse, but it is a slow process. We predict a few days before we finally get through this multiversal lock structure. 

“What could we do to make this go faster!?” Jenny asked.

If we had a live ka connection to the Collector’s universe, we could get there almost instantly. Or if we had a direct scan of him instead of just his people. As powerful as his signature is, with this level of subterfuge it is not enough to pinpoint him quickly. 
 
“Why not use time travel?” Froppy asked.

The risks of triggering one of his temporal traps is too great. We’ve already triggered a few dimensional traps in the efforts spent tracking him down. 

“So we just have to wait?” Eve asked.

As of now, yes. This was just a courtesy. Any more questions?

There were a lot of questions. But none of them were all that important.


~~~


Minna stared at the broadcast of Chrysanthemum’s message. 

“A few days...” she said, digging her hands into Alushy’s neck. “It’s. Too. SLOW!”

“I agree,” Alushy said. “Squeaky, any idea how to make that go faster?”

“Time travel?” Squeaky suggested. “If Aradia’s willing, that is.”

“No! It’s too long for Mom!” Minna blurted. “We need to find her! Find her now!”
 
“Minna…” Squeaky said, putting a hoof to the distraught child’s face. “We just have to wait a few days. That’s not really that long, is it?”

“Yes it is!” she wailed. “Too long! There’s got to be someone who can find her!”

Alushy shook her head. “Kid… Sometimes life just fucks you over and there’s nothing you can do about it. What we have here is a case where we just have to wait, and where we can’t do a damn thing. You just want to pop a little human with your teeth, but the head physically cannot pop. You know?”

Minna stared at Alushy. “…No. No I don’t.”

“Right, right, kids don’t understand metaphors. Can’t get mom. Life sucks. Just live with it.”

“No. No! We’ve got to do something! We’ve been here talking too long!” She twitched. “Find Starbeat, Alushy. She can do what those flowers can’t.”

“I think you’ve got it the wrong way around,” Alushy said. “See, the Flowers are big honcho mu-”

Minna grabbed Alushy’s ear. “Starbeat. Now.”

“What a little bitch,” Alushy muttered, rolling her eyes. She spread her wings.

“…You can’t be serious,” Squeaky said. “You don’t just get t-”

Alushy took off, Minna on her back. 

Squeaky sighed. “Thrackerzod, watch the League. I have to go vampire hunting.” 

“I bet that’ll be fun.”

Squeaky just facehooved.


~~~


The Mad Titan Thanos popped the last Infinity Stone into the Infinity Gauntlet, completing the set. He held his fist high and laughed. All his enemies were either already defeated, or too far away to do anything that could ruin his plans now. All he had to do was snap his fingers… and everything would be solved. Everything. 

He held up the Infinity Gauntlet, savoring the moment. It was fitting that such a momentous act would take place in a simple grassy field on some backwater planet. 

“HEY ASSHOLE!” A rock hit him in the head, startling him. “YOU’RE NOT DONE YET!” 

Thanos glared at the newcomers – Vriska, Jotaro, Allure, Nova, and Flutterfree. “Who are you?” He asked, confused that the Infinity Gauntlet didn’t allow him to know who they were. 

“Heroes from another universe,” Flutterfree declared.

“Here to stop you,” Allure added.

“Other universe or not, you will fall to the might of the Infinity Gauntlet.” Thanos held out his hand with the Gauntlet, preparing to vaporize them.

Except the Gauntlet wasn’t on his hand. He stared at his naked fist, confused.

“Looooooking for something?” Pinkie trilled, tossing the Gauntlet like a hacky sack just behind Thanos. 

Thanos swiped at the Gauntlet, but Pinkie was already elsewhere. “Oh, so close!”

“What power is this?” Thanos demanded. 

“Cheating,” Vriska said, rolling her dice and getting straight 8s, gaining her armor and heightened power. “Just like the rest of us.”

Thanos stood his ground. “I am not powerless without the Gauntlet.” He pushed all of them back with telekinetic power, driving a fist right into Jotaro. 

Star Platinum took the hit, suffering no damage. 

“…What?”

“Out-of-context power,” Nova said, using clever manipulation of time and speed to be in multiple places at once, firing magic lasers at him. Flutterfree riddled him with arrows of light. 

Allure leaped up from under him, punching his chin with her hoof. She flooded as much magic as she could into the strike, knocking him back. She followed through by twisting her body around his neck, taking him to the ground. 

He flung the three of them off with little effort. 

He had a significantly harder time with the Vriska-Jotaro tag team. They came at him from both sides, one with a sword and luck, the other with an invisible punching ghost and determination. When Thanos somehow managed to grab Star Platinum’s hands despite not being a Stand user, Vriska drove a blade into his back. He tore the blade out, only for Star Platinum to toss him to the side.

Thanos roared, kicking at Vriska – and missing. He leaped over Jotaro, punching him in the back of the head, where Star Platinum wasn’t defending at the time. Blood spurted from Jotaro’s mouth – but he stood his ground. 

Vriska rolled her dice, summoning a thousand green bees. “Ah, I love a good swarm.” 

Thanos walked through the swarm, seemingly impervious to the extreme pain they were supposed to cause. 

“Hey, Jojo, he’s just like you!”

“Yare yare daze…” Jotaro muttered, grabbing his hat. “Nova, acceleration.”

Nova, despite her dazed state, was able to give Jotaro the accelerated time.

Thanos noticed Jotaro was standing against him, alone.

“Why do you deny aid from your allies? It does not aid you in this battle.”

“They know it isn’t needed.” Jotaro said, hands in his pockets. “STAR PLATINUM: THE WORLD!”

Time stopped. Due to Nova’s acceleration, he had a lot more than five seconds to do his work. 

“ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA!” Punches flew, connecting with Thanos’ frozen body everywhere it could cause pain. After the usual five seconds of punching everywhere, Jotaro began to place slower, heavier punches in places that should have been more vulnerable. The face, the back of the skull, the shoulders, the elbows, the knees, the groin… The Mad Titan’s body was exceptionally hardy and formidable, but even he would break after enough beating. 

Time resumed. Thanos went flying and hit the ground. He groaned. 

“Holy shit, he’s not dead,” Vriska said, eyes wide. “Final boss material right here!”

Pinkie shrugged. “It’s not like he’s going to be able to win at this point.” Pinkie gestured at the extreme effort he was going through just to stand back up. “We can take him out, easy.”

“…Or we can take him back with us,” Flutterfree suggested. 

“He does seem like the kind of person who deserves it,” Allure admitted. She pulled out one of the Collection’s ‘loyalty’ devices and flashed Thanos with it just as he stood back up. 

Thanos growled. “That won’t be enough to take my mind, unicorn.”

Vriska tapped her head, transferring the extra-loyalty she’d gotten programmed into her head since she was a powerful psychic. Thanos twitched, saying nothing. 

“Mission complete!” Pinkie shouted, jumping up and down. “Thanos defeated, Infinity Gauntlet recovered, woo!”

“Back to the Collection then,” Allure muttered. “Where we wait around until he decides we have to do something else. Wonder if we’ll have to blow up a planet one day.”

Vriska shrugged. “I wouldn’t worry about it. Or think about it. It’d drive you crazy.”

The white wispy portal the Collection used appeared in front of them. They all shrugged to each other and headed back. 

Pinkie held back for a few seconds. She put the Infinity Gauntlet on her hoof and flexed its fingers… somehow. She felt the power of an entire universe at her disposal – every mind, every soul, every force… But she wasn’t going to do much with this power. It was too much to control. 

She pointed at the ground, creating a corpse that looked like it belonged to Thanos. Let them eternally wonder who defeated him – but also let them rest easy knowing he was defeated. 
 
To add to the mystery, she created a fake – but destroyed – Infinity Gauntlet next to him. 

Good. 

Only then did she return to the Collection. 

 


~~~


Starbeat walked through the streets of Ponyville, head down. 

Today sure had been a rollercoaster of emotions…

At least she could walk about in public, pondering life, without the danger of it getting interrupted by an especially loud beeping noise. 

She lifted up her hoof, taking a moment to examine her alarm bracelet. …It was useless now. 

She popped it off, sitting down in a patch of grass. She held it in her hooves, examining it. She’d worn this thing for about half of her life at this point. It had been a constant reminder of what she was – but also a safety net. A protection from herself. It had been a soothing presence over the course of her life out here in the multiverse. 

She couldn’t bring herself to just throw it away. But she wasn’t going to wear it ever again. 

She lit her horn, mimicking the Gem ‘bubble’ spell, encasing the bracelet in her magic and sending it to her home – her lab. It would float there until she went home. 

There would never again be a need for it to leave the lab. 

This thought didn’t make her smile. 

“Oh, hey! Fancy running into you here.”

Starbeat looked up to see Blackjack walking toward her. “…Why are you on Equis Vitis?”

“Sticking around to figure out this Flower business,” Blackjack said, taking a seat on the grass next to her. 

“But you… Nevermind.”

“What, expect me to never go to places I have beef with? Really?”

“Yeah, actually.”

Blackjack rolled her eyes. “Ponies either have a really high or really low opinion of me, apparently.”

“Being an Idiot Hero tends to bring about that dichotomy.”

“…I’m going to try not to be offended at that.”

Starbeat smirked. “The truth of ka is a brutal one. One we are now free of.”

“Not shaping up exactly how we planned, is it?”

“What happened to you?”

“Lost. Can’t just count on myself winning anymore. You?”

“Caused a societal collapse. You know.”

“Yeah. I do.”

Starbeat chuckled. “But hey, at least we’re cured. The parts we hated about ourselves are gone.”

Blackjack nodded. “Eeyep. So now you can hang out with me without fear of suddenly biting the dust!”

“That’s reassuring,” Starbeat commented.

Blackjack winked and chuckled. 

“By the way, stop the subliminal flirting. Not in the mood.”

“…Man, you’re a sharp one, aren’t you?”

Starbeat snorted. “The smartest people can do the stupidest things.”

Alushy crashed into the grass right in front of Starbeat. Minna whooped, unharmed from the crash landing. “We made it!”

“My spleen…” Alushy wheezed. “Why is that the organ I replace most?”

“Rule of funny,” Starbeat deadpanned.

“Fudging ka,” Alushy muttered.

Squeaky appeared behind them in a burst of white magic. Her fur was singed and smoking in a few places. “I… am never…. teleporting that much… again.” She wiped her brow. 

Blackjack raised a hoof. “I am suddenly confused.”

“Out of your element,” Starbeat informed her. “It may or may not make sense as the conversation continues. I take it you three were looking for me?”

“The kid was looking for you,” Alushy muttered. “I was a hapless mount. Squeaky is here because panic mode.”

“I am not in panic mode!” Squeaky squeaked.

“Viola,” Alushy deadpanned. 

“I need you to find Mom!” Minna blurted. “The Flowers can’t do it fast enough!”

“I’m nothing compared to them, Minna,” Starbeat muttered bitterly. “They can swoop in and ‘fix’ an entire planet in one instant. All I can do is wave my hoof and pretend I can see fate.”

Minna jumped off Alushy and got in Starbeat’s face. “Starbeat.”

“I like this kid. She’s feisty,” Blackjack observed.

“Be careful, she’ll bite off more than you can chew,” Alushy warned.

“Ah. …what?”

Since Starbeat wasn’t responding to her, Minna grabbed her ears. “Get. Mom. Back.”

“Minna, I can’t do that! I want to get Allure and Vriska and all the others back but I can’t! I’m not above the Flowers! There’s nothing above the Flowe-”

She was reminded of something the Sunflower Official had said. 

As the Tower wills. 

“The Tower…” she said, putting a hoof to her chin. “The Tower…”

“The Dark Tower?” Squeaky asked. 

“Yes, that Dark Tower. I wasn’t sure before now, but it’s clear. The Tower is a regulator of ka. One powerful enough that the Flowers refer to it almost as if it were their god…” She turned to them. “We need to go to the Dark Tower.”

“How, though?” Squeaky asked.

“We go ask the Flowers nicely,” Starbeat asserted. “Which is to say I go pry them for information.”

“That sounds really stupid,” Blackjack observed. “Count me in!”

“Should I change into something more murderous?” Alushy asked.

“What? No.” Starbeat shook her head. “We’re going to use ka to our advantage.” She pointed at Minna.

“Oh no, you don’t get to bring her along!” Squeaky shouted.

“My connection may not be enough to provide a strong enough ‘plot’ to convince the Flowers or the Tower or whoever’s in charge here to let us through. The connection between a mother and child and the drive to be reunited is unbelievably strong. Perhaps strong enough to force a new path to open in fate.”

“You’re just spitballing,” Alushy observed.

Starbeat coughed. “Maaaaaaybe – but it’s the only idea I’ve got. The five of us were brought together by chance here. I think that says something about the way the story is going.”

Squeaky sighed. “Fine.”

Minna beamed. “Yay! You got the grumpy balloon to agree!”

“I am not a- oh. I can’t believe I’ve never heard that one before.” 

Alushy rolled her eyes. “Looks like we’re about to set out on an epic quest of unknown length. I’m getting snacks before we head out.”

Starbeat raised an eyebrow. “Time is of the essence! We can’t afford to dilly-dally with our tails up our flanks!”

Squeaky put her head into her hooves. “Allure is going to kill me.”

“So, is this Allure your wife, girlfriend, or what?” Blackjack asked.

“You really need to be around here more often so every sentence you say won’t be an insult.”

“Hint: it doesn’t really help,” Alushy whispered. “I’ve been here decades and I still upset these bitches.”

Starbeat facehooved. “I’m taking us to the Golden Joke to find a Flower or PPC agent. You’re all coming along. You can keep bickering or not, I don’t care.” She lit her horn and they were gone. 


~~~


The Collector took the Infinity Gauntlet from Pinkie. “Good work.”

Pinkie raised an eyebrow. “Can we go now?”

“Yeah, really tired of looking at your face,” Vriska commented.

“By all means, go enjoy yourselves,” the Collector said, waving his hand. The six of them scrambled out of the office as fast as they could, leaving only Thanos. 

“That goes for you as well, Thanos,” the Collector said, sitting down behind his desk, placing the Infinity Gauntlet next to his monitor. “You’ve already gotten the welcome memo.”

“I see myself in you,” Thanos said as soon as he was certain the only ones who could hear him were Lightning and the Collector. 

“I’m aware,” the Collector said. “Both of us do things for the greater good many would consider simply aren’t worth it. You go a bit beyond me, though. I try to keep the death to a minimum.”

“And I am – was – more concerned with large-scale acts rather than minor ‘hero work’ that does little to affect everything.”

“You were confined to one universe, Thanos.”

“But now that I am here, I see an opportunity.” Thanos put his arm to his chest as a show of respect. “Let me learn of this large-scale multiverse. I wish to influence it in ways for the betterment of society within. I cannot go against what you wish – but I believe my outlook would be invaluable to everyone.”

The Collector looked at Thanos and cocked his head. “You know, they’re never ready to seriously pledge their loyalty to me this early. I like you, Thanos, you see the big picture. You’re completely batty in your noggin, but I think we can work with that. Request granted. You will be kept on reserve to provide advice.”

“Thank you, Collector.”

“Here’s a bonus, I can just install all that information in your mind at once. This will only hurt a bit.” 

A giant iron spike shot out of the ceiling and gouged a hole in the top of Thanos’ skull. A pulse of electricity shot into his body – one more than strong enough to kill a human. The purple humanoid twitched, but hardly responded until the spike was removed and the hole repaired. He rubbed the back of his head, eyes wide. “The sheer scale of it all…”

“You now have access to more information in your neural networks than even I do,” the Collector said.

“The Flowers are on our doorstep,” Thanos declared, speaking as if he had been a part of the Collection for years – which, given the upload, he might as well have. “Our defenses will not last forever.”

“We will have to prepare for combat against them,” the Collector admitted. 

“Combat with Flowers is scarcely traditional,” Thanos commented. “Aside from small incursions, fate is their primary tool. A fist will not defeat destiny.”

“We have nullifiers,” Lightning pointed out. “That makes their brute force option negligible.”

“Not that we should ignore it entirely,” Thanos retorted. “If we prepare just for small incursions, we could be wiped out by a sudden bout of simultaneous stupidity.”

Lightning nodded. “We are prepared for all eventualities.”

“There are still high chances we lose.”

“We use those chances to our advantage,” the Collector said, standing up. “Trust me, Thanos, everything will go according to plan.”

Thanos nodded in understanding.

“Come, let’s release the next piece of this puzzle.” The Collector led them into the gray-elevator room, moving to a location most of the Collection was not allowed to enter. It was a spherical, glass room with square rooms affixed to every surface. Most of the rooms were empty, but some of them contained individuals frozen in time. The three of them moved in, finding there was no gravity within the sphere. 

“The uncontrollables,” Thanos said, looking around with curiosity. 

“There aren’t many who have immunities to every form of conditioning,” the Collector said, floating over to a particular enclosure. “But they’re kept around just in case they’ll be useful…” 

The Collector pressed his hand to the glass wall of the enclosure, connecting to the mind contained within – one represented by a yellow triangle with one eye, a bow tie, and a top hat. “Bill Cipher.” 

“HEY, I WAS WONDERIN’ WHEN YOU’D COME CALLING AGAIN, INFINITY!” The voice was layered, but high pitched and not all that threatening. “THINK YOU’VE FOUND A WAY TO CONDITION ME YET? I LOVED THE LAST ATTEMPT!”
 
“No. I’m ready to make a deal.”

Bill Cipher was silent for a moment. “…YOU KNOW, YOU’LL ONLY BE ABLE TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF MY PREDICAMENT HERE ONCE. I’LL NEVER LET MYSELF GET STUCK IN HERE AGAIN.”
 
“I am aware,” the Collector said.

“CAN’T JUST ASK FOR ME TO SERVE YOU, I’LL STAY STUCK FOREVER RATHER THAN BE SOME FANBOY’S SLAVE.”
 
The Collector folded his hands. “In exchange for your complete freedom, there are two conditions. The first of which is that you may never interfere in Collection business or assault any member of the Collection.”

“EASY PEASY, GET TO THE DIRTY STUFF ALREADY.”

“The primary focus of the request is simple, Bill. We need your assistance in defending against the Flowers. You are to aid us until the end of the encounter with them.”

“EVEN I’M NOT A FLOWER-ARMY KILLER.”
 
“Your power can be combined with our already existing narrative shields to force a weirdness bubble into existence, similar to the one that formed around your Weirdmageddon.”

Bill Cipher laughed. “THAT’S A CLEVER LITTLE TRICK! CANCEL ANYTHING THAT CAN’T COME FROM WITHIN!”

“It’ll force them to drop any plans involving brute force!” Thanos declared. “Any ka weapons will be useless because the bubble refuses it!”

“Can’t they work around that?” Lightning asked. 

“Not quickly,” the Collector said. “And that will give us the opportunity we need.” He opened Bill Cipher’s enclosure, extending his hand. “What do you say?”

“I’M IN.” The hand of a triangular demon and blue Gary Stu met, the deal sealed in blue fire. “THIS IS GOING TO BE ONE OF THE MOST ENTERTAINING DEALS I’VE EVER BEEN A PART OF! I SHOULD BE THANKING YOU FOR THE OPPORTUNITY, BUCKO! HOW’S ABOUT WE TALK FUTURE BUSINESS?”
 
“There will be no future business,” the Collector spat. “You will do what you need to do, and then you will be gone. 

“YOUR LOSS. NOW EXCUSE ME, I’VE GOT TO CREATE FAKE WEIRDMAGEDDON.”