Applejack Gets Lost

by MagicS


Stupidville

“Hey! Hello? Is anypony over there?”

Applejack had been standing in front of the solid iron gate for about five minutes now. She tried to see if she could open up the doors on her own first but no such luck, she tried knocking but there was no answer, and now she tried yelling to see if there was even anypony there to mind the gate in the first place. She knew there had to be at least something beyond it since there was a placard on the gate with the name “Intelligentiaville” written on it. Whatever that meant.

The gate was so far the only entrance Applejack had seen along the iron wall that had bisected the entire forest, and likely held the entirety of the town inside. It seemed to stretch on quite a ways and only curved slightly, walking around it would definitely take a while. Better to just go through if she could.

But so far she was having no such luck getting through this gate.

Hoof of the Earth could get her through in a flash but that would be, well, just wrong.

So here she still was, calling out for any ponies that might be listening or nearby. Hoping that somepony would open up the gate before the sun got too low and she had to walk around the whole town in darkness.

She decided to pound on the gate a little harder. Might’ve been rude but it’s not like she was the one who blocked off a huge portion of the forest. She turned around and raised her legs, ready to give it a quick buck-

“Hey! What do you think you’re doing! You the one who’s been making all that ruckus?”

Applejack stopped and looked up. A dark yellow earth pony stallion wearing a top hat was peering at her from on top of the wall, just his head and shoulders poking over, there must’ve been a ledge on the other side.

“Uh, yeah, that’s me. I’d like to walk through your town if I can? I’m traveling through this way.”

The pony scoffed. “Miss, please. Do you have any idea just where you are trying to get into?”

Applejack looked around for a second and then scratched her head. “Not really?”

The pony made an exaggerated sigh and rolled his eyes. “This is the great city-state of Intelligentiaville, where only the best and the brightest are allowed in. Only the top of the top, the cream of the crop, the geniuses among geniuses! Now, may I ask, are you a genius?”

Applejack was getting a little tired of this already. “Nope.”

“Well, are you a mathematician?”

“Nope.”

“A scholar?”

“Nope.”

“A wizard?”

“Nope.”

“A philosopher?”

“Nope.”

“An artist?”

“Nope.”

“A chef famed far and wide?”

“Nope.”

“A groundbreaking musician?”

“Nope.”

“An architect?”

“Nope.”

“A creator of any sort?”

“Nope.”

The stallion looked down at her, pondering for a second. “Well miss, then may I ask just what are you?”

“I’m an apple farmer.”

It was quiet for a few moments. Then a slight rumbling made its way out of the stallion’s mouth, followed by giggling that eventually evolved into full blown laughter as he guffawed and pointed at Applejack, as if he couldn’t believe his ears.

“A-A farmer? Truly? Miss, please, you must be joking! I can’t believe my ears! To think a simple farmer of all things would want to come into the greatness that is Intelligentiaville!”

Applejack blankly looked up at him, not finding the same kind of humor in the situation. “Well what do y’all do for food in there if there aint any farmers?”

“We invent it!” He shot an angry scowl at her through narrowed eyes. “And y’all is quite uncouth sounding.”

“Uh-huh, right.” Applejack rolled her eyes. “Well look, can I just walk through? I’m not gonna do anything or stay the night. I just wanna get to the other side of this forest.”

“Yes I’m not surprised that you would still want to come inside and see Intelligentiaville!” The stallion replied, completely ignoring what Applejack said. “It contains wonders that most ponies could never dream of, miracles of magic, art, and science! It is no surprise that a common pony of your nature would be captivated by such things. Alas you would hardly be able to understand much of the wonders that are to be found inside here but that is no fault of your own, we sadly cannot all be geniuses. Sadly, so sadly, are most ponies merely blessed with average intelligence. But! The awe and wonder and curiosity of the new and unknown is a feeling known to all! Even you, farmer, must have felt this excitement in your life. And you shall find even greater excitement inside!”

He was breathing a bit heavily as he finished up his babbling. Applejack was still standing there under him with an unamused frown.

“Does that mean I can come through?”

“But of course! We are quite generous, such wonders need to be shared with the world. There is only one slight condition.” He grinned at her, his eyes glinting mischievously.

“What?” Applejack asked cautiously.

“You must wear-” He reached down next to him. “This!” And pulled up two signboards tied together with enough space to drape over a pony’s back and leave both signs hanging at their sides.

The signs read “NOT A GENIUS” and there was a drawing of a dunce cap under the words.

“Sorry.” The stallion said cheerfully, on the verge of giggling. “It’s just so we all know who the smart, miraculous ponies are and who isn’t. I mean, most of us geniuses wouldn’t want to waste the time talking to a non-genius. We have important inventions to invent and discovers to discover after all. Here, I’ll throw this down to you and once you’ve put it on you can come on in.” He smiled at her.

Applejack was now more than a little tired.

“No thanks, I’ll just walk around.” And she started walking away down the side of the wall.

The stallions jaw dropped the same as the signboards that fell out of his hoof. “W-What? Hey, you can’t be serious, you don’t know what you’re missing here!” His earlier smugness was gone as Applejack just ignored him, no longer having any intent to come inside Intelligentiaville. “This is the grandest city ever! Do you know what’s inside here!”

“I can guess.” She glanced up at him. “A bunch of idiots who like to mess around with ponies.”

“H-Hey! We’re not stupid, you’re stupid for not wanting to come into such an awesome town!” He followed her down the wall, the ledge must’ve gone the whole length of it. “Our magicians would totally blow your mind! We’ve got a huge underground library with ancient tomes and books no other ponies have ever laid eyes on!”

“That sure sounds nice, why don’t you go and enjoy some of that yourself instead of wasting your time with a simple farmer?” She said sarcastically, suppressing a grin.

He sweated and his eyes were darting around in a panic, trying to look for a way to convince her to come inside. “Well we have some great artists and fashion designers too. The best of the best! You like hats obviously, I’m sure we can find you the most amazing hat in the whole world!”

Applejack smiled up at him. “No thanks, I like my simple, comfortable hat just fine. Had it for years, it’s pretty special to me.”

“But, but-”

“Boy howdy, you sure do seem to want me to see all those wonders in your town now don’t you?” Applejack said as she kept trotting down the wall.

The stallion fidgeted. “It’s not like that! You should be the one who wants to see all the amazing and totally exclusive things in here! You should be super curious and begging for a chance to come inside and see our town! Don’t you want to see what we do for food? You’re a farmer after all, isn’t it super mysterious to you?”

Applejack stopped and looked him dead in the eyes with a big smile on her face. “Nope!” And her walking resumed.

His lips quivered. “F-Fine, be that way! You’re just a big dummy! You don’t know what you’re missing!” He kept walking after Applejack to hassle her some more. “We don’t want you in here anyways!”

“And yet you keep coming after and talking to me.”

“I’m trying to convince you of how wrong you are for walking away!”

“Uh-huh, sounds like a good way to spend the day.”

“Better than the way you’re spending it. You could be in here with us seeing totally awesome and one-of-a-kind magic! We got floating crystals and paintings that talk to you and all sorts of other amazing stuff. We totally have a wizard who shrunk a whole forest into miniature size, it’s really cool looking, don’t you want to see that?!” He asked, getting more and more desperate.

“Still no!” Applejack didn’t even turn to look at him this time.

“Okay fine! But you’re dumb, your hat’s dumb, and I don’t know what apples are but I bet those are pretty dumb too!” He blew a raspberry at her.

Applejack halted. If she cared enough she would’ve questioned how a supposed genius living in a village full of other supposed geniuses didn’t know what apples were. But she didn’t really care about that part. Now she wasn’t going to flip out or do anything drastic, but that slight against apples still wasn’t something she could just let go.

“Could you stand still for a second?” She said without looking back at him.

“Um, why?”

“No reason.” Applejack reached out a hoof and lightly tapped the iron wall. The tremor made the wall shake and vibrate like an earthquake was happening right under it.

“W-Woah!” The stallion tried to hold on but first his top hat was knocked off and then the strong shaking of the wall caused him to fall off it as well. “Waughhh!” Applejack heard a dull thud as he hit the ground behind the iron wall. “Ow.”

Applejack smirked as she walked away. It would take her awhile to get all the way around this town and the sun was already starting to get low, but despite the immense waste of time that conversation she had had was she was now in a pretty good mood at least. And she avoided a big village of idiots that with her luck probably would’ve ended in all kinds of crazy stuff happening to her. Not a bad day all in all.