Big Mac Comes Out of the Closet
A few weeks later...
Saturday afternoon, Rainbow Dash’s house...
Big Mac leaned back into the thick cushions of the couch, a satisfied smile on his face. He felt an intense warmth inside and a blissful feeling of contentment. In his left hoof he held open a copy of Daring Do and the Ring of Destiny, while his right foreleg wrapped around the barrel of his marefriend – Rainbow Dash. She in turn lay her head on his chest as she read the latest book in the series, Daring Do and the Curse of the Pharaoh’s Tomb.
Reaching the end of the book, Big Mac set it aside on the end table and let out a contented sigh.
Rainbow looked up to her coltfriend and asked, “So, what do you think?”
Gazing down at his beautiful marefriend, he said, “It’s a good book.”
“ ‘Good book?’ Is that all you have to say about it?” she asked incredulously.
“It’s – uh – really good book,” attempted Big Mac.
“Try ‘the greatest book ever!’ It’s got tons of action and adventure in it!”
“An’ it’s got the coolest pegasus ever –” Rainbow Dash blushed slightly at the implication. “– Daring Do.”
Surprised at his declaration, she rolled her eyes. “What about the other pegasus?”
“Oh, she’s okay. Kind’a cowardly,” he answered.
“Cowardly!” she practically yelled, struggling to sit upright against his tight grip.
“Ya don’t think Posey is a scaredy-pony?” he said, a smile betraying his attempt at deadpan.
Rainbow settled down upon his explanation. “ ‘Posey’ is what A.K. renamed Fluttershy. I’m talking about the other other pegasus.”
“Which one?”
“Don’t play dumb. The one who helps Daring Do lift the Rings of Scorchero off the central pedestal, causing the Fortress of Talacon to collapse and ensuring the safety of the Radiant Shield of Razdon, protecting the Tenochtitlan Basin from Ahuizotl’s tyrannical rule.” Out of breath, she took a very loud gasp of air.
“Oh – her?”
“Yeah – her.”
“There was somethin’ familiar ’bout her,” he said, rubbing his chin. “Ah can’t put my hoof on it.”
“Sonic Spectrum?” She paused to see if he would respond, but when he didn’t, “Remind you of anypony you know?”
“Nnope.”
Rainbow Dash groaned.
Big Mac squeezed his marefriend and said, “Ah know it was you.”
She returned an exasperated smile. Putting her book down, she said, “So... I’ve been meaning to ask you. The Wonderbolts will be performing at Celestia’s Palace in Las Pegasus, where I’ll be showing off some new moves. Can you come to the show?”
Big Mac thought for a moment. “That’s the same weekend as the Ponyville Rodeo. Every year I go support Applejack.”
“Can’t you miss it this year?” she pleaded.
“Nnope.”
“Come on Mac –”
“Nnope.”
“Please?”
“Ah said ‘nnope.’ ”
“Don’t be short with me.”
“Ah wasn’t last night,” he said smiling.
Rainbow Dash burned a bright crimson as she stammered, “Uh – uh –” Big Mac leaned over and kissed her. Breaking the kiss, she asked, “Does Applejack know you talk dirty?”
“What happens b’tween us ain’t none of her business.”
“And it does happen – a lot,” she said with a wry smile.
He chuckled, “Eeyup. ’Sides, she’s too busy with her new coltfriend.”
“Do you know who it is?”
“Nnope.”
“How come?”
“Ain’t none of my business.”
“Really? I kind of figured you for the overly-protective big brother type,” she said.
“Applejack’s a grown mare. She can take care of herself. An’ if her coltfriend don’t treat her right, she’ll give him a buck to the head an’ the gut.”
“And crotch.”
Big Mac winced.
“Oh, don’t like that?” she teased.
“Nnope. Just the thought –” he shuddered.
“Well, maybe I can take your mind off of it.” Big Mac’s knowing smile was interrupted by a passionate kiss from Rainbow Dash. He slid down the couch cushion, never breaking the kiss, until he was lying on his back. Rainbow Dash loomed over him. “You know,” she said with a sly smile and eyes full of lust, “I like being on top.”
“Eeyup.”
Rainbow Dash dove in for another kiss – another long, Prench kiss.
Big Mac suddenly pushed her away. Annoyed at the interruption, she demanded, “What?”
“Di’ja hear somethin’?”
“No.”
She tried to kiss him again, but he held her off. “Ah heard somethin’.”
“What?”
“Listen.”
Rainbow sat up, her ears twitching to hear the faint voices. “Oh no!” she cried. “No. NoNoNoNoNo. Not today! Not now!”
“What?” he asked.
“My parents!” she exclaimed, her voice now a whisper. “Quick, to my bedroom.”
“Really?”
“Just do it!” she ordered, pointing her hoof towards the back.
She took to the air, allowing Big Mac to roll off the couch. He sprinted to her bedroom, nothing he hadn’t seen before. The bedroom was, after all, his favorite room in her house. It was a plain room very sparsely decorated, with just a chest of drawers, a simple nightstand and a relatively small bed – a bed big enough for a single adult but one that forced two ponies close....
Big Mac stood silently near the door, listening to the unfolding events:
Knock! Knock!
“Mooooooom... Daaaaaaad. So good to see you. Whatareyoudoinghere!”
“We came to see the greatest Wonderbolt there is,” came Bow’s voice.
“Rainbow Dash!” both parents cheered in unison.
“How’s our little Dashie?” he eagerly asked.
“Great.”
“Rainbow Dash?” asked Windy. “Do you have company?”
“Uh – why do you ask?” replied Rainbow Dash, her calm voice obviously forced.
“There’s a hot air balloon tied up outside.”
“Oh – I – um – am watching it for a friend.”
“Our Rainbow Dash, always so helpful to others.”
“And the best friend a pony could ever have!” added Bow.
“So, how long are you here for?” asked Rainbow.
“We thought we’d spend the night,” explained Windy.
“The Night!”
The night! Crap, thought Big Mac.
“And tomorrow you can show us around Ponyville.”
“Sure.”
“We’d like to meet all your friends.”
“I’m sure they’d want to meet you too.” Big Mac could detect the sarcasm in her voice.
“Where’s that turtle of yours?” asked Bow.
“Tank?”
Big Mac looked over at the turtle sleeping on the floor at the foot of the bed. Oh shit.
“He’s around here somewhere,” said Rainbow Dash. “How about you two go into the kitchen and I’ll bring him out.”
“Rainbow Dash, aren’t you going to give us a tour?” asked Windy.
“A tour!”
“We’ve never been to your house before.”
“Oh... right. A tour. Well, here’s the living room.”
“Reading Daring Do?”
“Yeah.”
Bow spoke up, “You were always great at reading.”
“I bet you’ve read the whole series in record time,” said Windy.
“Actually, I’m finishing the last book, The Curse of the Pharaoh’s Tomb.”
“And you’re rereading Daring Do and the Ring of Destiny.”
They’ll get suspicious with two books. Big Mac’s eyes went wide. Oh no! Ah left mah horse collar in the front closet. Ah hope Rainbow Dash remembers!
“What’s over here?” asked Bow.
No! Not the front closet!
A door swung open. “Rainbow, why’s there a horse collar in your closet?”
Aw shit!
“Oh – uh – you know. Plowing fields is a great way to build muscle.”
“As a filly you were always searching for new challenging workouts.”
Thank Celestia! Rainbow sure can make things up on the fly!
“What’s in here?” asked Windy.
“The kitchen.”
A door creaked open and the voices died down. They must be in the kitchen. Ah wonder if they’ll come back here. If only Rainbow Dash would just introduce me to her folks, all of this could be prevented. Ah’m sure we’d get along just fine. Still, she’s pretty sensitive about her parents. Celestia knows Ah am. But at least she’s got parents. Mine been gone a long time....
The door creaked open again. “And that’s the hallway leading to back.”
“Oh, and this must be the bathroom,” said Windy.
“Yes Mom.”
“Let’s see the rest of the house. I bet you’re great at decorating,” said Bow.
“Okay. I’ll show you my bedroom!” declared Rainbow Dash, obviously directed towards the back of the house. “We’ll take a look at my bedroom right now!”
Big Mac looked for a place to hide, something he should have done when he first arrived. Under the bed? Ah’ll never fit. The closet! He ran to the closet and quietly shut the door behind him.
He looked about his hiding place and instantly could tell this was Rainbow Dash’s closet. On one side hung clothes, a bit shuffled and in no particular order, with fancy Gala dresses interspersed with workout gear. On the other side were a line of Wonderbolts flight suits, all pressed and neatly hung with regulation three inches of space between them. The rest of the closet contained various articles of junk – err, precious memories – that Rainbow Dash needed someplace to store.
The bedroom door opened and he heard the pegasi enter. “So this is my bedroom,” said Rainbow Dash.
“There he is!” exclaimed Bow.
F@&%! They’ve found me!
“Who!” cried a panicked Rainbow Dash.
“Tank.”
“Tank? Yes! Tank! Let’s take him out to the kitchen to – uh – feed him.”
The bedroom door closed. Whew. That was close. Ah wonder how long Ah’ve got to stay back here. Normally I don’t wouldn’t complain ’bout spending hours in her bedroom, but Ah’m not normally back here alone. This was supposed to be a quiet weekend for us to be alone. No farm chores. No Wonderbolts. No friendship missions. Just the two of us – alone. So much for that.
The bedroom door creaked open. “Mac?” came a loud whisper.
He cracked the closet door. “Dash?” he whispered back.
“Good. I was afraid you’d done something stupid like climb out the window. I’ve got to get you out of here.”
“How?”
“Take the balloon to the ground.”
“Won’t your parents get suspicious when they see it missin’?”
“I’ll come up with something. Right now we’ve got to get you out of here. They’re in the kitchen. Follow me.”
Big Mac came out of the closet and tiptoed, as best as a large stallion could, behind Rainbow Dash. Almost to the living room, the kitchen door opened. Big Mac darted into the closest room available.
“We’ve been looking for the turtle food, but can’t find any,” came Bow’s voice.
“I’ll help you find it. Let’s go back into the kitchen.”
Big Mac looked about the bathroom. There was a linen closet here, but it was way too small to fit him, even if he threw all the contents onto the floor he’d never squeeze in there. He had only one option. Big Mac climbed into the shower and drew the curtain. Realizing that the shower window would cast his silhouette, he crouched down and tried to become one with the bathtub.
Well, this is great. Just great. Went from hiding in a nice closet to hiding in a bathtub. Should have just stayed in the closet. Could this get any worse? Big Mac heard something before the bathroom door closed. Aw f@#$! Somepony was on the other side of the curtain.
He smelled... perfume? Windy Whistles! Being a guy, Big Mac wasn’t expected to know much about perfume. Living on a farm with a family of mares who couldn’t care less about such fancy things, he knew even less than the average stallion. But after singing with Rarity in the Ponytones, Big Mac knew one thing for sure about perfume – he always experienced a bad reaction to it.
BangBangBangBangBang! Big Mac nearly leapt at the pounding on the bathroom door. “Mom? Are you in there?” came Rainbow Dash’s frantic voice.
“Yes Rainbow,” replied Windy, exasperation evident in her tone.
“Okay. I want to show you two around Ponyville. Right now!”
“Give me a few minutes. My contacts are bothering me, so I’m putting on my glasses.”
Guess Rainbow knows Ah’m in here and she’s trying to get them out of the house. Stuck in here with her mother. And her perfume.... Big Mac’s left eye started to itch, but he dared not make a move. Ah can’t let her find me in here. He tried blinking, but it didn’t help and only made his right eye itchy. Then the perfume tickled the hairs in his nose. Big Mac attempted to not breathe the perfume in, but it was impossible. He tried taking slow, shallow breaths, but his condition continued to grow worse. His vision blurred and tears pooled in the corner of his eyes. His nose slowly filled with mucus, with each breath more difficult than the last. Just hold on for a little longer. Tears began running down his cheeks as streams of mucus dribbled down from his nostrils. Sweet Celestia! Let her be done already! His nose nearly clogged, he wanted nothing more to sniffle. Silently opening his mouth, the runoff began trickling in, leaving a foul aftertaste. Oh! When will this end? After what seemed like ages, he heard glasses being unfolded and a purse zipped. Thank Celestia! Just a moment longer and he could blow his nose and cry his eyes dry until his heart’s content.
Then his heart stopped. The toilet cover creaked upwards. Oh f@#$! In the bathroom with mah fillyfriend’s mother as she pees. How could this get any worse!? The nose tickled again. No! No! No! He tried, but failed –
ACHOOOOO!!!
Windy Whistles let out an ear-splitting scream, one surely heard all the way in Saddle Arabia. Big Mac jumped up, but quickly became wrapped in the shower curtain. Suddenly he began feeling whacks against his side as Windy Whistles wildly wielded her weighted purse as a weapon. Losing his balance, Big Mac fell backwards, impacting the wall and passing right through the cloud construction. He landed on the living room floor with a Thud! staring up at the ceiling.
“What the hay!” came Bow’s voice.
“He was hiding in the bathroom!”
Big Mac looked to his left and saw Windy, terrified, pointing an accusing hoof at him. Bow, fire burning in his eyes, menacingly approached him. Behind hovered a horrified Rainbow Dash, her hooves covering her mouth.
“How dare you!” bellowed Bow. “You pervert! Peeping Tom! You’ve messed with the wrong family!”
“Ah – uh –” he stammered, struggling to slide away on the floor.
“I’ll throw you off this cloud myself!”
“STOP!” shouted Rainbow Dash.
“What!” cried Bow and Windy.
Rainbow flew between her parents and the big red stallion lying helpless on the floor. “He’s not a pervert. He’s – He’s –” She turned to Big Mac, resignation on her face. He looked at her with wide eyes and gave a silent nod. Rainbow Dash turned back to her parents, “He’s my coltfriend.”
“You’re coltfriend!” replied her shocked parents.
“Yes, my coltfriend.”
Her parents stood there, speechless.
After a long awkward silence, Rainbow Dash suggested, “Maybe you two should sit down?”
Her parents, dazed, took seats on the couch while Big Mac and Rainbow Dash occupied chairs at opposite ends of the coffee table. A tense silence followed as her parents tried to understand what was going on.
Finally Bow said, “So, you’re her coltfriend.”
“Eeyup.”
“His name is MacIntosh Apple,” introduced Dash, “though everypony just calls him ‘Big Mac’.”
“Eeyup.”
“It’s – uh – pleasure to meet you,” said Windy uneasily, forcing a weak smile.
Another long, uncomfortable silence followed.
“What were you doing in the bathroom?” asked Bow, addressing the ursa major in the room.
“I – I wasn’t ready to introduce you to him,” admitted Rainbow Dash. “So he hid in the bedroom closet. I tried sneaking him out while you two were in the kitchen, but he had to hide in the bathroom when you came out. He must have been allergic to mom’s perfume.”
“Eeyup.”
Again, a tense silence fell over the room.
“Mom? Dad?”
Bow shook his head. “You have to forgive our reaction. We’re just surprised. Honestly, we thought you were a lesbian.”
“Dad!!!”
“The best lesbian in Equestria!” added Windy.
“Mom!!!”
“Unless...” thought Bow, rubbing his chin. “Are you one of those stallions who’s becoming a mare?”
“Dad!!!”
For once in his life, Big Mac was speechless, and not by choice.
“He’s not having a sex-change operation!” yelled Rainbow Dash.
“Are you sure? Has he ever dressed in drag?”
“Eeyup,” confirmed Big Mac. Damn. Now’s not the time for complete honesty!
Both parents stared dumbfounded at the stallion.
“Okay, once,” clarified Rainbow Dash. “But that was only so he could compete at the Sisterhooves Social with his little sister.”
“How can you be sure he really intends on staying a he?”
“I’m not a lesbian and he’s not a transsexual. End of story!” she declared, crossing her forelegs for finality.
“You have to understand where we’re coming from,” apologized Windy. “It’s just a lot to take in. After all, you’ve never had a coltfriend before.”
“Hey! I’ve had tons of coltfriends!” Big Mac shot her a surprised glance, and Rainbow Dash returned a sheepish smile. “Uh – maybe not ‘tons’, but I’ve had coltfriends before.”
“You’ve never brought them home to meet us.”
“It’s just that... you two... can be a little... intense.”
“I am pretty intimidating,” boasted Bow.
“Most intimidating father in Equestria!” praised Windy.
“Mom.”
Big Mac was beginning to understand why Rainbow Dash didn’t want to introduce him to her parents. Maybe she was waiting for their wedding day, after they were already legally bound? That is, if they decided to get married.
“Mac, are you from around here?” questioned Bow.
Snapping himself out of his silent meditation, he said, “Eeyup.”
“From Ponyville?” clarified Windy.
“Eeyup.”
“Do you work around here?” asked Bow.
“Eeyup.”
“He’s not one for talking, is he?”
“Nnope.”
Rainbow Dash said, “He’s usually pretty quiet.”
“Eeyup.”
“Well,” thought Bow, looking for a question without a one-word answer. “What do you do?”
“Farm.”
Bow let out a huff, so Windy asked, “You’re a farm hoof?”
“Eeyup. Mah family owns Sweet Apple Acres.”
“What do you grow?”
“Apples mainly. Also corn... wheat... barely... vegetables. But mostly apples.”
“Hmm....” thought Bow. “Are you one of those shiners?”
“Dad!”
“Do you know for sure his family aren’t bootleggers? They could have a still out in the woods.”
“Eeyup.”
Rainbow Dash whipped her head around. “What!”
“Mah family used to run a still, but we ain’t used it in years. Probably rusted by now.”
“A-ha!” cried Bow, clapping his hooves together. “It starts out with alcohol, then gets worse. For all you know, he probably grows grass.”
“We do ’ave a meadow.”
“I meant marijuana.”
“Dad! They’re not drug dealers!”
“How do you know that? You didn’t even know they had a still. They could be mixed up in all sorts of criminal activity. Probably make meth in the basement.”
“No! They! Don’t! Cut him some slack for Celestia’s sake!!!” She was now hovering over the coffee table, the veins in her head quite conspicuously pulsating.
“Dear, I think I need something to drink,” said Windy. “Let’s go into the kitchen.” She led a reluctant Rainbow Dash out of the room, leaving the two stallions alone together.
A deathly silence fell over the living room. Bow scowled at his daughter’s coltfriend.
Big Mac shifted uneasily in his seat. His chair had suddenly become extremely uncomfortable and the room turned broiling hot like an oven. But the worst part was the glare from his fillyfriend’s father – he continued to stare straight at the earth pony, never once blinking. It was as if he was hoping his glare would inflict mortal pain on the younger stallion. Big Mac opened his mouth to start a conversation, but when Bow’s brow hardened, he slowly closed his mouth without a word.
After what felt like ages, Bow asked, “What do you like about my daughter?”
“Well – uh –” Don’t tell him she’s great in bed! Clearing his throat, he continued, “She’s a great mare –” Bow’s brow hardened further. “– a really great mare. Loyal to her friends. Saved Equestria countless times. Wonderbolt....” He trailed off as Bow’s scowl grew angrier.
“Those sound like canned answers. Be honest with me colt,” growled Bow.
Big Mac remained quiet. Why do Ah love her? Ah mean she is a great mare. But really, what do we have in common? She’s a pegasus who lives to soar in the sky, an’ Ah’m just as happy on the ground. We both like Daring Do, but Ah only really read them because she does. An’ she’s not really into farm work. So why are we together?...
Finally, he said, “Ah really don’t know. We just – ya know – have somethin’. Guess that’s like love – cain’t explain it.”
“And you think you’re good enough for her?”
Again Big Mac pondered the question. “Ah don’t know if Ah am. Ah’m just from a farmin’ family. Don’t have a lot of money. Don’t have titles or come from the upper classes. But Ah love her. Ah love her more than anythin’. She’s the most important pony in the world to me.”
As Big Mac spoke, Bow’s scowl softened, but didn’t vanish completely. “You know she’s an only foal?”
“Eeyup.”
“She’s our whole world. I want her to be happy. If you make her happy, then that’s good enough for me.”
Big Mac let out a sigh of relief.
“But,” added Bow. “If you hurt her. If you break her heart....” His glare hardened into steel. “I’ll break every bone in your body.”
Big Mac gulped.
“Do we have an understanding?”
Unable to speak, Big Mac nodded vigorously.
It was silent for a moment, then the kitchen door opened and the two mares returned to the living room. Windy continued her conversation to Rainbow, “...You know, you’ll have to get a bigger house for the foals.”
Big Mac and Bow both shouted, “You’re pregnant!”
Startled, Rainbow Dash explained, “No, no. We use protection.”
Bow leapt from the sofa, fire now in burning in his eyes. He raged at Big Mac, “You took my daughter’s virginity!”
“No he didn’t!” Rainbow yelled, flying in between them. “I’ve slept with lots of other stallions!” Big Mac’s eyes went wide and his jaw dropped. “Uh – maybe not ‘lots’, but he’s not my first.” She shot an apologetic glance to Big Mac.
Bow, tense and panting heavily, glared at Big Mac and his scowl reached unprecedented levels of barely contained fury.
Windy slid a foreleg around his. “Dear, I think we should go.”
“But –” he protested.
“We interrupted their weekend. Let’s leave these kids alone,” she said firmly.
Bow reluctantly yielded, grudgingly walking to the front door. Before stepping outside, he shot yet another angry look back at Big Mac. He pointed towards his eyes twice, then towards Big Mac, letting the younger stallion know his actions would be watched. Gently pushing Bow out the door, Windy said, “It was nice to meet you Big Mac, after our... well... awkward start. We’ll have to have you two come to our house in Cloudsdale soon.”
“Sure mom.”
“Eeyup.”
Windy smiled and closed the door behind her, leaving the two ponies alone. Once again, silence reigned in the living room.
Finally, Rainbow Dash asked, “See why I didn’t want you to meet my parents?”
“Eeyup.”
“Pretty intense?”
“Eeyup. Ah think Ah need to go lie down for a while.” Big Mac stepped towards the sofa.
“Where do you think you’re going?” demanded Rainbow Dash.
“Uh – the couch.”
“You get your flank back there,” she ordered, pointing towards her bedroom. “We’ll ‘lie down’ together.”
Big Mac lumbered towards the bedroom. “Will we ‘lie down’ a couple of times?”
“Hell yeah!”
“Would ya like ta be on top?”
“Eeyup.”