//------------------------------// // 9: The Punchline // Story: The Bucket List of Princess Celestia // by CrackedInkWell //------------------------------// Luna was giddy. In the early hours of the morning, she pranced through the halls despite how dark everything was outside. She tried as best she could to hold in her near madding giggles and laughter as she skipped towards her sister’s chambers. Today was the day to finally put the final touch to her prank – and she can’t wait to see the look on her sister’s face. As graceful as a panther and silent as her stars, she circumnavigated the guards, up the tower and slipped through the thin opening of the double doors into Celestia’s chambers. It was just as she left it. The flowers were still there, and her sister was in her bed. Although it was still very dark, she can make out her form as she hooftips to her bedside and waited. Part of her wanted to wake Celestia up right there and then. But Luna knew that the timing must be exact, that it has to be at a critical moment to finally give that punchline to her joke. She has to wait for her to wake up. And so she waited… and waited… but nothing happened. Her internal clock said that her sister should be stirring awake at any moment. Knowing her, this would be the time for her to start getting up and raise the sun. And just to be sure, Luna had a watch on her in which confirmed that Celestia should have woken up about ten minutes ago. ‘That’s strange,’ she thought as she waited for her to move. ‘Is she sleeping in this time?’ She waited another ten minutes, but still, Celestia didn’t move. Luna then got the idea to have the curtains be opened and raise the sun herself. So after putting her moon down, she focused her energy to lift the sun up and over the horizon so that the morning light could flood in. But even with the brilliant light streaming in, the white alicorn still didn’t move. “Sister?” Luna blinked. “It’s time for you to wake up.” Nothing happened. “Celestia? Hey, Celestia, it’s morning. You can wake up now.” Nothing still. Luna used a hoof to shake her shoulder. “Cel, get your enormous flank up, do you know what today it is?” … “Sister?” ‘Alright sister, you’ve got me good.’ Luna thought. ‘Everypony is convinced that you’re dead… you can wake up and laugh now.’ Although she hadn’t moved from her spot, right in front of her sister’s banana coffin, Celestia still hasn’t moved. Luna didn’t pay attention to the precession of ponies and digitalis that came to pay their respects and try to give sympathy to her. She paid no mind to the undoubtedly beautiful music that was being played or the sobbing of her subjects that were behind her. No, her entire attention was on her sister, laying down in a wedding gown. In her mind, given what day it was, this has to be a trick. It had to be. It gotta be just that, a tick. “Princess?” Luna waited for some kind of movement. A breath, a twitch, a pulse to indicate that this has to be fake. “Your Majesty?” Her attention was snapped when she felt a tap of a hoof. Mass Grave stood next to her, inspecting the coffin and the occupant inside. “I believe they’re about to show your sister’s message soon.” “Don’t you think we should fetch a doctor?” The pail, scarecrow of a stallion tilted his head. “Pardon?” “I mean… how do we know she’s really… you know.” Mass glanced at the coffin. “She hasn’t moved at all since you found her.” “My pet possum can hold still for a long period of time.” “They’ve already checked her pause.” “Maybe she’s breathing very slowly.” “That, and she looks a little pale.” “She’s always like that!” Luna snapped at him but quickly put a hoot to her mouth. Mass Grave was wide-eyed for a moment before he closed them and took a deep breath. “Your Majesty, you must accept the fact that she isn’t waking up. She’s not going to.” “But this is a trick!” she hissed. “Do you even know what today it is?” He nodded. “Yes, I’ve very much aware. However, death never takes a holiday as it can claim anyone at any time.” “She’s not dead!” Luna reached into the coffin, shaking her elder sister. “Celestia! Wake up!” It was at that point the guards nearby decided to rush in. “Princess Luna,” one of them called out, “you must calm down!” “No! This is a prank! Can’t you see!” She felt the guard’s magic as they try to pry her off of her sister. “She’s figured it out! I was trying to prank her and she’s getting back at me! I’m telling you! She’s not dead!” It took another half dozen guard to lift her off the ground. However, before they could carry her off, she used her own magic to fling them to different sides of the room before Luna started slapping Celestia several times. All the while crying along the lines of: “Sister! Wake up!” Mass Grave shook his head, “The poor dear is in denial.” He muttered. However, he did come prepared as he brought out a blowgun and a box of tranquilizer darts. After loading a few into the pipe, he took in a deep breath and aimed it at Luna. The Night Princess paused when she felt something sharp pitching her flank. A quick glance she found three darts impaled into her cutie mark before she felt the world go fuzzy and woozy. Then within a moment, her brain told her it was time to take a nap on Celestia. Mr. Grave sighed as the guards carried the unconscious alicorn out of the room. “There’s always one…” he muttered. Several hours later, after the funeral and the march to Celestia’s tomb, the royal family along with Princess Twilight and Discord was gathered together inside Luna’s study. At one end of the table, a wrinkled, sober stallion in a black suit with a briefcase sat down with them. He looked over to Luna, still wearing a veil and wide-eyed in shock. The lawyer cleared his throat to get her and the other’s attention. “Sorry?” Luna snapped back to reality. “I said my name is Fine Print, Celestia’s lawyer and legal representative.” His gray eyes scanned at the other individuals at the table. “Do any of you know why you were called here?” “If you’re my aunt’s lawyer,” Blueblood said, “does that mean that you’re going to read out her will?” He nodded. “That’s correct.” Print then open the latches of the briefcase where he pulled out a rather thin book that was held together with the royal seal. “My client specifically said that this will not be opened until all of you are present after the funeral in which she is placed inside her tomb. Now that has occurred, it’s now time for me to open this to read out what her final wishes are.” They watched as he got out a letter opener in which he broke the seal to remove the ribbon and opened up the small book. He cleared his throat and began to read aloud: “‘I, Princess Celestia Everfree of Equestria, Guardian of the Sun, do hereby and officially give my inheritance, powers, and responsibilities as I here see fit. “‘To Princess Twilight Sparkle, my most faithful, loyal, questionably sane and ex-wife, who has never tried to commit treason and instead became a heroine to Equestria, earned the title of Princess and who has not given up on her friends, students or the countless reformed villains – I hereby bequeath that she shall be given my private library with all the documents, diaries and secrets therein, my Phoenix Philomena, and the real origin story of where Spike actually came from which is included within my secret library.’” Twilight blinked. “You mean she knew where Spike came from this whole time and she didn’t tell me!” But the lawyer continued. “‘To Ex-Lord of Chaos Discord and ex-husband, who although I am proud of how far he has come to reform his ways of trying to take over Equestria by turning it into Salvador Dali’s worst drunken, drug-induced nightmare. And while I still thank you for that night of passion in Las Pegasus, I do however feel sorry for stealing what was meant for Fluttershy. So, with that, bequeath an official apology written and signed by me, along with inheriting the animals in my private zoo to give as a present to your Fluttershy. At the same time, since I am still mad at you for turning Canterlot Castle into cheese, I also bequeath: a boot to the head.’” Thus, from out of nowhere, a boot was delivered with a loud smack against Discord’s head. “Aww…” he said rubbing his forehead. “She really does care.” “‘To Princess Cadence and Shining Armor, who currently have an alicorn foal of their own, I hereby bequeath to them a diaper factory and army of specially trained nannies to help assist Flurry Heart. At the same time, I also bequeath my private airship to the couple for both public and private use. However, be warned, I’ve placed a spell on that ship where if there’s so much a scratch on it, then it shall send one of you to the surface of the sun for a good solid minute.’” The couple went silent as their stunned expression they glanced at each other. “Maybe we could sell it?” Cadence suggested. “Yeah, good idea.” “‘And to Discord, a boot to the head.’” Another boot was thrown at Discord, hard enough to knock him out of his seat. “‘To Prince Blueblood, my nephew, whose effort in international peace between nations is commendable, but has so long stayed in the closet in which has broken the hearts and possibly necks of many mares, I bequeath him – a coltfriend. One in which I’ve chosen and should be here by Thursday. Also, just to give a heads up, you may want to wear a condom just in case.’” Now all eyes were on Blueblood who was slack-jawed. “First, she knew that I’m gay this whole time, and now she got a coltfriend for me?” The lawyer nodded. “Who?” Fine Print turned over a few pages. “It doesn’t really say. It just said that he’ll be here by Thursday and wear a condom. Anyway,” he flipped the page, "'To Discord, I bequeath not another boot to the head. But to have him put on these pants.'" Here the lawyer took out a pair of pants out from his briefcase and hoofed them over to Discord. The Ex-Lord of Chaos blinked. "Huh... Odd request." He snapped his talons in which the pants were on him. "Although I must say that this is very loose." "'Once he has put these on,'" Fine Print continued, "'I also leave him with a rabid Tasmanian devil to be placed in said pants.'" In one swift move, the lawyer lit up his horn where he teleported something inside those loose fitting pants where it made Discord dance out of the room. “‘Finally, to my sister Luna, I leave you everything else including my kingdom, my armies, servants, guards, wealth and responsibilities to look after…’” he flipped to the next page. “‘For the next six months.’” The room became quiet. “Huh?” Luna asked. “‘If you want further details, look inside my coffin.’” Everypony looked at one another before there was a mad dash out of Luna’s study towards the white marble monument of Celestia’s tomb. Pass the iron gate and a couple of booby traps, they reached into the burial chamber where it contained the banana coffin. Luna instantly flew open the lid, and her eye twitched. There was no body in the casket, except for a sticky note which read: April Fool sister! Thanks for giving me the excuse of a well-deserved vacation! Meanwhile on a beach where the sea was warm and the vegetation green, Celestia rested in a hammock swinging in the breeze, her aura holding onto a frozen mango smoothie in the shade of the palm trees. “So… how did you know?” “Hm?” She turned to her doctor, who too was resting in a similar fashion to her. “What was that?” “I mean, how exactly did you know you weren’t dying?” Celestia giggled, “You did. After all, you’ve already given me two important clues. The first was that you said eight days, which was April Fools. But the biggest clue you gave, was in the name of the disease. Mendacium, if my Pony Latin is correct, literally means ‘Lying.’ So, it was a matter of piecing together that my sister had something to do with it.” “So, you’re not angry at me?” “If I was, would I have you be brought here with us to have this extended vacation?” “Good point…” Doctor Orange sipped on his smoothie. “And what of your sister? Wouldn’t she be angry that you’ve actually played along with her prank, only for you to disappear for six months?” After humming in thought, Celestia said, “Nah, I’m sure she’ll be fine. This is what she gets for bribing you to try to convince me that I’m dying.” Another sip she added, “Happy April Fools, Luna.”