//------------------------------//
// Chapter 27: We Can Explain 
// Story: Caverns & Cutie Marks: High School, High Stakes 
// by TheColtTrio 
//------------------------------//

Rainbow Dash stared at the vaguely spider-like creature currently mashing its mandibles against Light Patch’s lips. “What.”
“Is it eatin’ him?” Applejack asked, cocking her head to the side.
“I… think that’s the next step,” Twilight said, one eye twitching slightly. “In a metaphorical, innuendo-based manner.”
Wits threw his hands in the air. “Go figure. Even in this world, he’s the girl magnet.”
“How long do ya think they can keep going like that?” Applejack asked. “That’s gotta be a record, right?”
“They have to come up for air sometime,” Rarity commented, “else one or both of them faint. And no-” she pointed at Pinkie, “-I don’t think they need a wedding cake.” Pinkie’s face fell into a petulant pout and she threw away the four tiered cake with a huff.
“Ehm, Wits?” Purple coughed, looking over Light’s shoulder. “I think things are gonna get a little bit awkward.”
The mint colored teen frowned at Purple Heart, then his face slackened with realization. “Oh n-” the jingle of money cut the rest of Wits End’s sentence off he turned just in time to see Light Patch flying backwards from the cartoonish sack of money that had just been used to uppercut him.
“Woah, I didn’t even know I could get tan burlap sacks with dollar signs on them!” Pinkie exclaimed, looking at the sack held by an annoyed female pony colored tan and coffee with a pinto pattern.
“Kiss later, we’ve got some business to deal with,” the mare said, wiping off her sack.
Wits sighed. “Well, looks like Light Patch is gonna be busy. Let’s get going and he can meet up after they’re done with their little love triang-” A familiar bright light burst into existence next to the mint-colored teen, cutting off his snark.
“Now, now, my little princess,” Sol Eater chided, stepping out of the light. “And here I thought you were all about standing up for your friends. I’m glad I’ve rubbed off on you somewhat.”
“Nope!” Wits formed a cross with his forefingers, holding off the alicorn. “Back! Also, didn’t you run away before the last fight?!”
Sol Eater chuckled. “Hardly, little one. I simply left to retrieve… how would you put it? Backup?” As if on cue, a wave of darkness washed over the space behind Wits End. He turned to see a slightly smaller alicorn behind him, her coat the color of obsidian.
“We hath a great many things to discuss with thee, Strategos,” Princess Penumbra said, standing to put Wits End in the middle of the two royal sisters.
Wits swallowed. “Meep.”
“Who’s this?” Sunset asked. “Cheap knockoffs of Princess Celestia and Princess Luna?”
Penumbra’s eyes narrowed at the redhead. “We believe that thou wouldst find us superior to any pale imitations thou knowest,” she intoned. “However, tis understandable, as thou art clearly lacking both in courtly mannerisms, regal upbringing, and the common sense bestowed upon a common goose.”
Sunset blinked. “What did she say? It was hard to follow, but I’m pretty sure I want to beat the everloving sh-”
“Stay back,” Wits warned. “I get the feeling this is something the captain’s gotta do for himself.”
“Fantastic,” Purple Heart agreed, walking past his male compatriots briskly. “If you don’t mind, we’ll be awaiting you at the next save point.” He gestured jerkily for the girls to follow him. “We should leave these people to their respective lover’s quarrels.”
The girls shared looks with each other, but didn’t move. Applejack arched a skeptical eyebrow at the purple teen. “Something makes me think that yer tryin’ to skedaddle afore somethin’ happens to yeh. Am ah right?”
“No question at all about it,” Rarity said. “He’s trying to run.”
“What gives? Don’t you want to talk to some ex-girlfriends, Purple?” Rainbow asked.
“Nope,” Purple replied swiftly.
“Why?” Fluttershy asked, looking up from tending to the still dazed Light Patch.
“Maybe he did something phenomenally rude to them,” Sunset theorized, stroking her chin thoughtfully. Purple Heart glared at the red head.
“You aren’t gonna let that go, are you?”
She shrugged. “Maybe.”
“All in favor of watching Purple Heart get throttled say ‘aye’!” Pinkie cried.
“Aye.”
“Aye.”
“Eh?” Pinkie blinked as two ponies appeared behind Purple Heart. “Who’re you?”
Amber Glitter stepped forward, resplendent in her Queen’s regalia. “Queen Amber Glitter of Roania, 129th Monarch of the Realm, Daughter of Vale Blossom and Miles Glorious, Unifier of Phloren and Ghuilder, Hare-Friend, Queen Commander of the Emerald Legion, and skeeved out ex-girlfriend of the purplest bruise to walk the sands of the Gallopilli Coliseum.”
Silence.
“Damn, if I knew you were gonna say all that, I’d have gone first,” Navee snorted.
“You made that up!” Purple Heart squawked, briefly forgetting how much trouble he was in. Amber Glitter scowled.
“Had you remained long enough after the war concluded, you would know that it was all true,” she sneered.
“Oh.”
“Oh indeed.” Amber turned to the Mane Six and inclined her head. “I apologize for my outburst. It is unbecoming of a monarch such as myself to lapse in control.”
Sunset shrugged. “Hey, it sounds like the jerk deserved it.”
“YOU LET BAEL EAT ME!”
Again, silence.
“Okay, that literally came outta nowhere,” Pinkie commented.
“I didn’t let Bael eat you!” Purple Heart retorted. “It happened so fast I had no time to do diddly squat! And as I can see, you clearly got better! Besides, why are you even here?! I know Amber loved me or thinks she does and I know that all of them-” he gestured wildly at Wits and Light and their respective companions of the fairer sex, “-have a thing for their respective idiot! If you’re here, that means-” He balked, words escaping him as his eyes widened in realization. Navee had tears cascading down her cheeks, darkening her sky blue coat.
“Finally figured it out, have you?” she choked. Purple Heart couldn’t speak. He just stood there, eyes wide, jaw dropped.
“Well, what are you waiting for?” Sunset asked. “Go over there and suffer for your sins.”
“Wait, what?” Wits looked up from his own encounter, where he was holding his hand palm out towards each alicorn as if taming small dinosaurs. “You’re gonna help us, right?”
“Sounds to me like y'all’re getting what’s comin’ to ya.” Applejack said.
Wits pointed a finger at Sol Eater. “That one brainwashed me into fighting the rest of the group!”
“And put you in a rather stunning dress,” Sol Eater offered.
“And put me in a- YOU’RE NOT HELPING!”
“We’ll help if it looks like you’re in trouble,” Rarity offered. “Aside from that, I for one am interested to see how this turns out.”
Suddenly, Light Patch jumped back to his feet. “What hi- Oh, that was too fast.” He wavered for a few moments, cradling the bruise where the sack of money had hit him. “I wasn’t expecting to see you, Silk Trap.”
The Arachcolsid shrugged. “I could hardly resist a chance at seeing my champion at work again, especially when it is a chance to test his metal directly.” She unsheathed her blades, wielding them in a relaxed stance. “I hope you are ready,” she finished as Light Patch lived up to his name and used a quick healing spell. When its glow faded, he turned to look at Perfect Profit.
“I’m... really surprised to see you here. I thought gold was in your blood, not battle,” the grey teen said confusedly.
“Yes... Well, they offered me money to beat you up. I also blame you for my cart getting broken,” the pony replied, easily twirling her odd choice of weapon.
“Hey! I helped you get a new cart, and a whole new trading route!”
“Then maybe I have a few other reasons for wanting to beat you up!” she snapped back. “Now unless you’re gonna pay me five hundred gems to look the other way or something, I’m not being paid to stand around and talk.”
“Indeed. I believe everything to be said has been said. Let us begin the melee,” Silk Trap agreed, raising her twin rapiers into a more active stance and advancing towards Light Patch, signaling the beginning of the fight for the rest as well.
Wits’ eyes switched between the two alicorn sisters. “I don’t suppose we can talk about this like responsible adults, can we?”
Sol Eater’s grin seemed to split her face. “Now, my little princess,” she laughed, a golden corona forming around her horn. “Where would be the fun in that?”
Penumbra’s expression turned stony as shadows formed around her. “Tis most unfortunate,” she said, sinking into the shadows, “that we must retract our offer of Prince Consort. We shall attempt to leave thy appearance aesthetically pleasing.”
“Would crawling in a hole to die be good enough punishment?” Purple Heart offered weakly.
Amber Glitter shook her head resolutely, pulsing her magic to summon a squad of hares. “You must suffer at our own hooves,” she stated regally. “Self-induced punishment isn’t nearly enough recompense for us.”
Navee beat her wings, drifting off the ground as she pulled a javelin from her quiver. “Quite frankly, you deserve whatever comes to you. And we intend to dish out our retribution with extreme prejudice.”
“You know,” Amber added, cocking her head to one side, “seeing you in this form just seems… wrong.”
Purple Heart’s eyes tightened and he clenched his hands, lifting them to chest height. “I’ve nothing profound to say,” he said stiffly. “Begin.”
At that word, Light Patch and Silk Trap launched at each other. Silk Trap gracefully wove through Light Patch’s slower attacks. She was constantly throwing out web as well, causing the teen to not just focus on the Arachcolsid’s attacks, but also the ground where he stepped.
Throwing off his tempo even more was the intermittent swift assault from Perfect Profit and the bag of money she wielded. Her attempts to make Light Patch cash out would frequently get in Silk Trap’s way as well.
“Not much of a dancer are you,” Silk Trap asked from the wall. She looked down on the teen and merchant try to dance around all of the webbing she’d thrown out. “You’d think with fewer legs you’d manage better. Perhaps I just need to force your hands -or feet in this case- to perform above and beyond.” She turned to aim her thorax and launched a massive burst of web.
Amber flicked a tendril of magic towards the errant spurt of webbing, casting a glare at its creator. “Kindly keep your… white… stringy… leavings to yourself,” she sniffed primly. Not waiting for an answer, she returned her attention to the game of cats and mouse she was playing with Navee and Purple Heart. The purple teen was proving unusually difficult to knock down. More often than not, Amber’s blasts of magic would make contact with the teen’s hefty frame, a marginal advantage for herself and her comrade-in-kicking-love-interest’s-butt. It was certainly easier to hit the large teenage boy. He made quite a target. Despite this, he just wouldn’t fall down. Granted, there had been a few stumbles over the course of the short battle, most of which had been his avoidance of Navee’s javelins. Any magical blast or spell that Amber cast at him was either shrugged off or dodged.
The Princess’ thoughts were violently interrupted when Navee gasped in surprise. Purple Heart had managed to catch one of the pegasus’ javelins and promptly hurled it at Amber. With a squeak of surprise, she scrambled to avoid it. The javelin hissed past her ear, ratcheting her heart rate up to maximum panic drive.
With a yelp, Wits End threw himself backwards onto the ground to avoid the flying javelin, which embedded itself in a nearby wall. “Rule number 96!” He shouted back at the purple teen. “Aim!” He rolled onto his stomach, dodging a spear of solid shadows summoned by Penumbra’s magic. “Are you sure we can’t talk about this?”
“As much as I love hearing the sound of your voice,” Sol Eater said, putting one hoof under Wits’ legs and flipping him onto his back, “I would much rather hear you gasp in pain.” Her horn crackled, firing a bolt of lightning similar to Wayward Sun’s, and forcing Wits to scramble away on all fours. “Although, watching you go is also highly enjoyable.”
“Stop enjoying killing me!” Wits yelled back. He yanked the javelin out of the wall and tossed it at the alicorn. “Lightning Bolt!”
The bolt and javelin collided in midair, sending wood splinters flying in a flash of light. Penumbra, whose shadows had moved to guard her sister against the projectile, was forced back to the surface by the brightness. “A valiant effort,” she said, standing in front of Sol Eater as her own horn began to glow. “However, most futile in the face of power such as ours.”
Wits jumped away as more shadow spikes emerged from the ground around him. “I’m getting my rear handed to me by a dictionary and an anime trope,” he muttered. “Powers Combined: Sonic Burst + Poison Sting!” A cone of stingers launched from his outstretched palm, most of them impacting harmlessly against a shadowy wall summoned by Penumbra.
“OI!” Rainbow Dash snapped, crouching under the hail of stingers. “There are innocent bystanders here! Fluttershy is almost in tears!”
“Um, I’m actually okay,” the timid girl denied softly.
“Oh… Sorry.”
“Yeah, Rainbow! Fluttershy can take care of herself!” Pinkie cheered, picking stingers out of her hair.
“Here, darlin’ ah’ll get those for yeh,” Applejack soothed, pulling stringers from Fluttershy’s own hair.
“Thank you.” Fluttershy smiled softly.
“Aww, she is so precious!” Navee squealed. “I want on- OOF!”
“Pay attention!” Amber snapped, flinging out her magic to cradle the pegasus. Purple Heart charged forward and grabbed Amber by a hoof, startling the princess.
“Don’t you dare!” the red-maned unicorn swore.
Purple Heart’s lips turned down into a frown. “I thought we were fighting for our lives here,” he retorted. “There’s no place for witty repartee in pitched battle. No matter what Wits or Light say.” He ignored the muffled squawk from Light and Wits’ cry of ‘NOT THE FACE’ as he turned to Navee, who had regained flight, and hurled the princess at the pegasus. The two ponies collided and crashed to the ground in a tangle of limbs and heads. Any attempt to untangle was promptly thwarted by Purple Heart’s immediate appearance as he stood over them, fist gauntlet cocked back. His eyes were hard, his face grim.
“Just stay down,” he asked softly. A bolt of web shot past Purple Heart forcing him back, giving the pair enough respite to make some space between them and the Purple Barbarian.
Silk Trap turned from aiming her last shot. “I do hate to interfere with your fight, Queen, but I can’t let the barbarian interfere with mine,” she said before looking down at Light Patch. As the fight wore on his attacks grew more frantic, as had Perfect Profits. She was impressed with both, considering the flurry of blows they were both throwing out despite the heavy nature of their chosen implements.
“I’m not gonna let you get away this time!” Perfect Profit shouted swinging her bag with both front hooves, forcing Light Patch backwards where he as much tripped over his own feet as the web all around.
Light Patch quickly ripped the web away from his legs and sprang back up. He gripped his hammer and noticed some of the web still hanging from his arm. An idea sparked to life in his head. With a smile, he faced Perfect Profit. “All the money in the world and you can’t even bribe up a victory.”
“I’M TOO GOOD TO NEED TO BRIBE ANYPONY!” she shouted in rage, charging at Light Patch, intent on getting to him as fast as possible instead of avoiding the web. Again, she swung with all of her might, but this time her swing was met with the head of Light Patch’s war hammer. A peal of thunder sounded as the bag tore apart and coins flew back at her. She cried out in dismay and surprise, trying to regain her balance only to find herself being supported by Light Patch. 
“I would love to continue this dance, but I’m afraid your time has just run out,” he said. She had a moment to register his cheeky grin before she was spun away like a top, gathering the web from the ground as she moved. When her spinning was done, a large patch of ground in the middle of the webbing was now clear, leaving a small but mostly clear arena. Silk Trap jumped from the wall, landing in the webless space.
“Most excellently done, my champion. But don’t assume the same trick will work on me. You’ll find that I’m much more sure footed than she was,” Silk Trap said, raising her swords again into a combat stance.
“I wouldn’t dream of it. Now then, let us dance,” he said, moving to engage her again but this time, using everything he could from his dance classes.
Wits glanced aside at Perfect Profit struggling futilely against the webbing before turning back to his own fight. “I don’t suppose you two would be willing to take yourselves out in dramatically ironic fashions too, would you?”
“I’m afraid not,” Sol Eater chuckled. The two sisters had circled around him again, standing on either side of the mint-colored teen in a mirror of the start of their battle. “And unlike your little friends, you aren’t built for a protracted fight like this.”
“What’re you talking about?” Wits panted, shakily holding up his sword. “I can do this all day! But ya’know, I don’t feel like you two are putting your all into this.”
“And what doth thou mean by that?” Penumbra asked.
“Well, I’m a teenager facing down two physical god-like entities.” Wits shrugged and shook his head. “I should be dead, like, 27 different ways. Now, I don’t know if it’s because you like me or not, but it seems like you’re holding back.”
Sol Eater and Penumbra looked at each other momentarily. “There hath been no ‘holding back’ on our part,” Penumbra scoffed.
“I have been,” Sol Eater said.
Penumbra blinked. “What?”
“It seems a shame to destroy such a… perfect specimen. Does it not? Or am I alone in this, dear sister?”
“Well…” Penumbra sighed. “Tis truth, that. We wouldst sooner destroy a window of stained glass than a work of art such as he. However, we cannot allow him to continue unless he is truly prepared.”
Wits End raised his hand. “I’m right here, you know.”
“Quiet, dear,” Sol Eater called. “The adults are talking.”
“This is why teens have angst and rebellion,” Wits muttered.
“Mayhaps there is a clear path through this,” Penumbra mused. “A way by which he is defeated, yet not destroyed.”
Sol Eater’s eyes lit up, followed shortly by her horn. “My sentiments exactly.”
Wits looked between the two alicorns on either side of him. “I don’t like the sound of that.”
“Worry not,” Penumbra said, he own horn glowing as well. “Tis only a minor banishing. We shall be waiting for thou whenst thou return in one hundred years.”
“One hundred whats?!”
“See you soon, my little princess!” Sol Eater laughed. The two sisters cast their magic at the same time, sending grey bolts of light rocketting at their target. With Wits between the two of them, there was no way they could miss at this range.
And then Wits End stepped to the side.
Both alicorns had enough time to see the grin on the teens face before they were struck by each other’s magic. Each had enough time for a desperate cry before vanishing in a burst of light.
Wits End blew a few strands of wispy silver light from his fingertips. “You would think after getting hit with Guiding Sunlight before,” he mused, “Sol would’ve recognized a little dramatic irony.”
“So are we done yet?” Rainbow asked impatiently.
“Nope,” Pinkie chirped. She jerked a thumb at Purple Heart standing over Navee and Amber once more.
“For goodness sake, just knock out the poor girls already,” Rarity groaned, dragging a hand across her face.
“That’s the third time,” Sunset grumbled. “You’d think he’d just end it instead of dragging it out.”
“Maybe he was waiting for Light and Wits to finish,” Pinkie offered.
Twilight frowned skeptically. “Really? You think he dragged out that fight for a good five minutes just so they could get their fights over with?” She huffed. “I think he’s just playing with them now.”
“He can hear you,” Purple Heart called over his shoulder, not breaking eye contact with his two downed adversaries for fear of them getting back up.
“He was supposed to,” Twilight snipped back.
“You’re actually ready,” Navee said weakly. Purple Heart’s eyes narrowed.
“This better not be some kind of ‘antagonize me to get stronger’ bullcarp,” he growled.
Amber opened her mouth to respond only to close it with a clack. His frown deepened and he raised his gauntlet one last time.
“I’d go for the pure asshole move and just snap my fingers,” he mused softly, “but I’m not that heartless. Jan Ken Pon: Single Overpowered Punch.” He brought his fist forward and a golden light tinged with swirls of purple enveloped Purple Heart’s gauntleted hand. It coalesced into a ragged orb of light that shot forward, struck the ground directly in front of the sprawled mares. They, along with much of the landscaping, rocketed skyward.
“YOU MISSED!” came Navee’s screech of disbelief. “YOU WERE FIVE HOOVES IN FRONT OF US AND YOU MISSED!” A little sparkle ‘dinged’ in the sky and silence returned once more.
Purple Heart coughed once, blew on his fist, and turned to the rest of the party. “Now what?” A peal of thunder drew everyone’s attention to the last fight.
Light Patch spun around, swinging his hammer wide towards Silk Trap who tumbled over it. “You have more grace than I’d expected for using such a heavy weapon, but your speed is still lackluster,” Silk Trap said, emphasizing her point with a flurry of her own attacks.
“At least my hits do something when they connect,” he retorted, blocking what he could and dodging backwards from the rest. A foot caught on the web and he threw out a wild attack to buy himself the time to free his foot, just in time to roll away from a viscous jab that left one of her swords stuck in the ground.
“That was a better showing of speed, but you’ll still have to beat me to prove yourself my champion,” she said, abandoning her stuck sword. “Besides, I still have a spare weapon. Can you say the same?” She quickly spun around to web his hammer and yank it away from him. He tumbled forward and this time, her stab caught him right in the chest.
The teen held onto Silk Trap to keep himself from falling further on the sword and looked up to her face with a small smile. “Actually, yes. It’s called, Sonic Burst!” he shouted, causing a massive burst of sound to shoot out from his hands currently on her abdomen, crushing it. The sword fell from Silk Trap’s grip and clattered to the ground.
“You let me stab you?” She asked weakly, cradling her battered abdomen.
“No, that was unplanned. But it let me get close enough,” he said sinking to his knees as she too fell the ground.
“It would appear, that you are ready after all, my champion.” She looked at him for a few seconds before quietly whispering. “You’d have made a great spider.” She gave one last chittering laugh before collapsing, prompting Fluttershy to run up to check his wound.
“Oh my! Are you okay?! That looks like a lot of blood!” she squeaked, trying to shift his armor to get a better look at the injury before a flash of light came from one of the teen’s hands and the blood stopped.
“That should hold me for a bit,” he said, slowly standing with help from Fluttershy up while trying to not look at Silk Trap.
“Why do you think she was talking about you being ready?” Fluttershy asked, helping him over to the rest of the group where Pinkie presented him his hammer.
“Cryptic RPG stuff?” Light Patch shrugged, accepting his hammer back from Pinkie and immediately leaning on it for support.
“Probably just trying to get into your head,” Wits said. “I mean, why else would we all get put against the only characters who’ve shown any personal interest in us?”
“What if it’s not that?” Twilight asked. “The spider-horse said Light Patch was ‘ready’,” she made finger quotes as she said the last word, “and both of your alicorns were saying you couldn’t continue unless you were ‘prepared’,” another set of finger quotes. “What if there’s something this Hydra needs you three for?”
Applejack raised a hand. “What ‘bout those girls Purple Heart was fightin’? They weren’t exactly subtle ‘bout why they were fightin’.”
“To be fair,” Rainbow Dash cut in, “he did kinda blast them away while everyone else was being all cryptic.”
“That probably hurt the rating,” Pinkie agreed.
“What would a Hydra need us for that it’d need to throw us against a bunch of former bosses?” Wits asked.
“What would a Hydra need you for that it’d need to summon you from another world when there’s versions of you here already?” Twilight asked back.
“Maybe because we were in the game with it and it needed particular versions of us for its plan to work?” Purple Heart offered. “You also have to consider the fact that the local versions of us three are different enough for it to matter which versions of us are needed… That hurt my brain.”
“I’m surprised you have a brain after you basically vaporized those two,” Rarity commented, eyeing the smouldering swathe of destruction left by the purple teen’s attack. He gave a shrug.
“They said I was ready,” he said. “Only times I’ve heard that is from a random NPC.”
“So… love interests are just random NPC’s now, are they?” Sunset asked stiffly. Purple Heart winced.
“Nothing I say will make me less of an asshole,” he muttered. “Moving on.”
“What if the three of us were here by accident?” Light Patch thought aloud.
“I suppose that’s possible. Maybe the Hydra’s magic grabbed you or maybe there was just a natural weakness after the uh….” Sunset peered out of the corner of her eye at Twilight who was looking uncomfortable.
“Friendship Games?” Light Patch finished for Sunset. “Yeah, I could see how those events might leave a few weak points,” he muttered quietly.
“Woah woah woah! Back up a sec!” Rainbow shouted, glaring at Light Patch. “How do you know about that?” The grey teen backpedaled away from the incensed athlete and looked to his friends for help only to find a general lack of enthusiasm on their parts to help him with the mess of his making.
“I uh… saw the movie?” he said weakly.
“Oh,” Rainbow said, her anger fading. “...There’s a movie?”
Wits End clapped his hands to get the attention of the group. “Regardless of why we’re here, the answer isn’t gonna change the fact that we’re gonna be beating the living crap outta the Hydra when we find it. Let’s just get going before it starts throwing background characters at us. I for one don’t want to fight that noblelady PH ticked off with his grammaring.”
“He’s got a point,” Sunset said begrudgingly. “We do need stop the Hydra before it finishes converting the world. Let’s get going, gang.”
Light Patch watched as the rest of the group started moving. “Really?” he muttered. “Nothing? No reaction? Just, pitched it right over the plate and…” He mimed a ball flying past his head as he jogged to catch up. “I don’t know how I feel about this.”