Tonight on Kitchen Nightmares, we are going to receive an opportunity of a lifetime that everyone dreams of at one point in their life or another. To get the chance to visit and document a world beyond Earth. Not just any world though, a world inhabited by candy-colored ponies who can use magic! Just a week ago, one of the royalties of Equestria, Princess Twilight, and two of her ambassadors came to our own Chef Gordon Ramsay with an unusual request. To come to Equestria to deal with an epidemic of illness spreading from every famous restaurant and hotel in Equestria. She allowed us to accompany Gordon as a TV crew like us would pose less of a risk than a government official. What kinds of restaurants and hotels lie on the other side of the portal for our titular Chef to review and critique? Stay tuned to find out!
Twilight and her friends were allowed to stay a week at the presidential suite in Caesar's Palace while the Chef and his team prepared to make the trip to the other side of the portal into Equestria. Their Secret Service liaisons provided them with transportation and protection in Las Vegas as they spent the time exploring the city's numerous sights. Pinkie was busy most of the time winning countless games and slot machines in the casino, much to their confusion and dismay. Her favorites had included a game named after a cousin of their friend Applejack and the human's version of Poker. She even managed to beat a few championship-winning players with ease. Rarity had been busy browsing the many fashion shops at the local malls and boutiques, getting inspiration for her next fashion lines. Twilight had been enthralled with a series of shows on the History Channel that all seemed to be based in Las Vegas. So she thought it would be prudent to take the time to visit each location and gain valuable knowledge on human history and culture.
Before they all knew it, the week had gone by and they were just about ready to be on their way and head through the portal back through Equestria. Twilight had discovered a way to summon the dimensional crack from Pasadena all the way to Las Vegas, but to make sure they can safely go through, she had requested that they would be taken to a remote place away from the major population and away from prying eyes so that she could perform the spell. So the agents directed them all out into the desert towards an old gas station for all of them to rendezvous.
During the car ride there, Twilight told them about the things she had learned and the people she had met.
"Mr. Rick Harrison was actually pretty helpful and really friendly. His pawn shop was full of so many fascinating things. Though that golden clock on one of his shelves gave me the willies. He called it the Death Clock because a lot of people died while making it. His father kept on asking if he has spiked his drink when he saw me. Not surprisingly I guess, humans can barely comprehend our existence in this world. His son's friend Chumlee I think, kinda reminded me too much of Pinkie. The rare more irritating side of Pinkie anyway. When I showed him what our bits looked like he seemed to want to give me a lot of money for one of them. It seems that gold is somewhat rare here compared to Equestria."
"What about that...car shop darling?" Rarity asked. "Did you enjoy yourself there too?"
"Are you kidding me? It was amazing!" Twilight exclaimed. "I believe the owner's name is Danny "The Count". He was more than willing to show me a lot of fascinating things about how cars work. And it's pretty complex! Though I did run into another odd guy there. A man named Mike who was a little obsessed with horns."
The girls soon arrived at the meeting point with their liaisons early in the morning just as the sun began creeping further and further into the eastern sky. The desolate landscape surrounding the gas station began to drastically change back from its freezing climate at night to its scorching climate during the day. The growing heat was starting to become brutal, especially for three ponies covered in fur.
"Ugh, can we please hurry up with this darling?" Rarity whined. "I love getting my Vitamin D as much as the next girl, it does wonders for your complexion in healthy amounts, but this is going to cook me. And I really don't like getting all sweaty."
"I'm not liking this heat any more than you are Rarity, but have to wait for Gordon and his team. The whole reason for being here was to bring him back with us over to Equestria so he can help us. We can't just leave him," Twilight stated firmly.
"Well, he'd better hurry up. It's becoming practically an inferno out here."
The brown-haired agent, who formally introduced himself a few days ago as Agent John Myers quickly concluded a call with the Chef in question.
"Chef Ramsay is on his way your majesties. He said he won't take more than half an hour to arrive. Apparently, he had to buy a new camera for one of his cameramen after....uhhh, something about Miss Pie in an incident involving a fountain, a banana, and a pineapple in one of the casinos?"
"Trust me. You don't want to know," Twilight chuckled. "I just hope this doesn't sour our relationship with him. I'd like to try to make friends in the human world too.".
"I had no idea, someone, with that much booze could move like that," one of the other agents mused.
"In my defense, that Whis-Key stuff you mentioned did funny stuff to me. Even with sugar!" Pinkie explained from the inside of an old gas pump globe she had stuck her head into.
"Is that type of behavior common with Miss Pie?" Myers whispered to Twilight.
"It's best not to question it. Believe me, I've spent years trying to." Twilight replied wryly.
After a few minutes of biding her time by studying the nearby desert environment, A few cars showed up and Gordon and his team emerged. Gordon was wearing light casual clothes that were suitable for the growing temperature of daytime Nevada. He seemed to be eyeballing Pinkie Pie with a vaguely irritated look before he turned his attention to Twilight as he seemed keen on asking her a few questions.
"Pardon me for asking your highness-" Gordon started.
"Twilight," she interjected.
"Pardon?"
"You can call me Twilight, Gordon. There's no need for formality here," she replied. "I'd like to get to know you while I'm working with you."
"Alright then, Twilight I would like to ask why we are out here? Wasn't the "portal" seen in Pasadena?"
"Yes, but we are pressed for time, and a car ride would only delay us. I believe I have found a way to bring the rift or portal as you call it to our direct spot. I can't risk somebody accidentally following us in, so I had my liaisons here find a location like this one where little to no people are in the area."
"Understandable. Security and all that," he replied. "But uh, how are you planning on bringing the portal here?"
With a smirk, Twilight walked a few feet out towards an open spot where only a small patch of grass was and stood in a tense position.
"Observe."
Pinkie pulled her head out of the gas globe and put on a comically oversized welders helmet in preparation for the spell.
Twilight ignited her horn with a bright lavender glow that sparked with raw magical energy. It glowed brighter and brighter until the light blinded the eyes of all who were there until they heard a loud warbling that seemed to be coming from where Twilight was standing. When they opened their eyes, they were greeted by a mass of swirling light blue energy which they took to be the portal.
"HOLY SHIT!" Gordon cried.
"Don't worry, don't worry. We are completely safe here."
"And just about time that the portal got here too. I've been starting to worry about somepony giving Sweetie and her friend Button Mash tainted food," Rarity dramatically stated.
The girls began walking their way back to the portal casually as if nothing was wrong.
"Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa!" Gordon snapped.
"What is it, Mister Ramsay?" Rarity asked. "We really must be on our way as soon as possible".
"Through that???" Gordon and his crew cried in unison and disbelief as they pointed at the portal.
"Why yes Gordon. It is the only way to get to out-world after all." Twilight stated matter of factly.
"Uh-Uh," he declines. "I like my molecules stable and untampered with thank you."
"Pinkie? Can you be a dear and help me with him?" Twilight asked mischievously.
"Okie dokie lokie!" Pinkie giggled.
Pinkie just comically stretched out her mane with her hoof and absorbed all of their equipment into it like a vacuum cleaner and then began pushing Gordon and his crew towards the portal all at the same time, much to their dismay and utter confusion.
"Oh come on Rammy! It's gonna be fun having you over!" she said with glee.
Twilight and Rarity just giggled at the sight before them. Gordon and his entire crew being bulldozed into the portal by Pinkie's mane like rocks in front of a tractor.
Right before him and his team were launched through the portal, Gordon heard Pinkie yell "wheeeee!!!!" as they jumped through together.
Gordon couldn't make out what was around him but vaguely saw what looked like he was falling down a hole filled with lightning and spiraling clouds of different colors.
He then began to feel faint as he blacked out from the force of the fall.
"He just went all "splat" and then there we were!" was the first thing Gordon heard when he began to stir from his unconsciousness. Underneath him, he felt the distinct sensation of soft flowing grass.
"Yes Pinkie," he heard Twilight say deadpan. "We all saw it".
"Twilight dear, I think he's waking up," Rarity said.
"Damn, I feel like I've fallen a hundred feet down a fucking well," Gordon said deliriously.
"I'm SO so sorry about that Chef," Twilight consoled while helping Gordon upon his feet. "I don't entirely understand all of the mechanics of the portal yet, so there are still some physical risks when making the journey.
Gordon saw how upset she was at his bruising, so he tried to cheer her up.
"Ah, that's alright Twilight. Let's just try to make sure that doesn't happen again alright?"
"Sure. Perhaps I can put down some safety measures here for future trips to and from Earth."
"Fantastic," he replied. "Now, where are we-"
As his crew was helped up by Pinkie and Rarity, they saw Gordon slack-jawed at their new surroundings that they found themselves in and did the same right as they gazed upon the same wonders that he did.
They were dropped right in the middle of what Gordon could only describe as a kingdom from a child's storybook. Small two-story buildings in a variety of earthen colors surrounded them. Gordon recognized it as some kind of town square due to the placement of the buildings and the large four-story pagoda-like structure lying right in the middle of everything. The whole environment of the town had its own oddities as well. The sun was lower in the sky to the west signaling that it was early evening.
"I think I'm high," Gordon said trying to restrain his anxiety. "Definitely high."
"Then we might be all high at the same time Chef," his director Daniel replied. I really hope we aren't in a coma or something."
"No silly, you're in Ponyville Square duh!," Pinkie replied energetically. This is where we get off of the interdimensional express. Please make sure you remember to pick up your luggage and never accept packages from strangers.
"It's nothing to worry about Chef," Twilight urged. "This is Ponyville. Where you and your crew's primary lodgings will be while we "ahem" deal with the situation here in Equestria."
"Well, I suppose it looks pleasant enough," he replied as ponies going about their daily duties began to notice the humans with the princess and walk right up to them, curious of the new alien visitors to Ponyville. "This is probably the nicest ecstasy trip I've ever had. If this is all in my head anyway."
A tan pony with white hair and glasses trotted through the growing crowd of chattering ponies up to Twilight and Gordon to meet them.
"Princess Twilight! It's good to see you made it back safely," the mare kindly said. "And who is this?"
"Mayor Mare, this is Chef Gordon Ramsay. I've brought him and his team over from Earth to help us with our health crisis in Equestria," she explained. "Gordon, this is Mayor Mare. She runs Ponyville primarily around here."
"Fuck it, I might as well try to enjoy this as much as I can," he quietly concluded. "Pleasure to meet you, miss...Mayor Mare was it? I hope I can be of some assistance."
"Well we are certainly glad to accept any help we can get our hooves on," she replied.
"I am glad to help in any way I can, but first we probably need to get my bearings on where we are".
"Of course, just stick with the Princess and her friends and you shouldn't have any problems. If you need any assistance at all, just let me know. Absolutely ANYTHING!" she said as she moved her face to right within inches of Gordon's face and then moved off after a solid three seconds of staring into large blue eyes.
She then walked back in the opposite direction to help disperse the crowd of ponies who continued to gawk at the humans in awe. Gordon could vaguely hear them talk about how familiar he looked to another famous pony in Canterlot.
"May I ask what the fuck was that about?" Gordon asked slowly.
"She's a fan. I showed her one of your cookbooks and she became instantly hooked," Twilight replied.
"Ah" he simply replied.
"I'm kind of surprised that they seem to be THIS surprised by humans," Twilight thought out loud. "We've had a human here just a few months ago."
"Someone else was here before?" Gordon asked.
"Well humans are kind of new in Equestria and your little friend was just one human as opposed to a group of them."
"And with that, I am afraid I must take my leave Twilight and Gordon," Rarity said as she looked at the sinking sun. "I need to get home quickly to prepare dinner for Sweetie Belle and me."
"Yeah, I should probably get back home too. I'm babysitting the Cake Twins tonight," Pinkie added.
"Alright, I'll see you two tomorrow then," Twilight said. "Meet me with the other three in the throne room at noon first thing tomorrow."
Pinkie and Rarity went off in separate directions, leaving Twilight alone with Gordon. She escorted him and his team through the streets of Ponyville for about ten minutes until they finally reached the outside walkway of her home which caught the humans completely off guard with its massive appearance.
"Wow," Gordon said visibly impressed.
"Is that castle made of solid crystal?" his director asked.
"Yeah, my home tends to get that reaction a lot from ponies and humans."
She led them down the street and right into her castle home.
When they got inside the massive front doors leading into the main hallway, they began to fathom just how large this castle was from the immense size of the first chamber which echoed their every step. Gordon could tell that it was masterfully decorated and furnished. Banners of purple with accents of gold hanging down from the walls on either side, An impossibly long maroon carpet trailing down the main hallway and into separate hallways complimenting the various shades of purple and blue that seemed to make up the color scheme of the whole castle.
"Your home is quite nice Twilight. I can tell that you put a lot of care and love into it."
"Thank you. But I can't take the entire credit for decorating it. A lot of the decorations just sort of...came with the castle."
As Gordon began to raise his eyebrow in questioning at that statement, Twilight began to call for someone.
"Spike! Spike!," Twilight shouted. "Where are you? I've got our guests from Earth here!"
"I'm coming Twilight, I'm coming!" they heard from down one of the halls.
When the owner of the voice came around the corner to greet them, Gordon wasn't sure what he was looking at. A short chubby purple lizard with green spines running down its back. It seemed to be grasping what looked like a feather quill in one of its claws. Gordon's eyes furrowed in complete confusion.
"What?" Gordon asked in a vaguely frightened tone.
"What is it Twilight? I WAS in the middle of taking inventory of the library like you asked me- oh," he said as he noticed Gordon and his production team.
"Spike, this is Chef Gordon Ramsay and his production team. They are going to be staying with us primarily in Ponyville while he helps us deal with the outbreak," she explained. "Gordon, Daniel, this is my adopted son and top assistant Spike. He will be traveling with us with the other girls while we solve this little crisis."
Spike walked up to the humans with a raised eyebrow and looked Gordon up and down and as the man began to feel mildly offended, Spike put on a smile and outstretched his tiny claw.
"Nice to meetcha. I hope you can help us out," Spike said cheerfully. "Things have been getting crazy around here. Much more than usual."
"Ah, well. I guess I will do everything I can to help. But first I think I will need more details on what is going on." Gordon replied.
"And I agree. But even I am not entirely sure what is going on. Princess Celestia seemed to know about the situation better than I do. Which means I need to bring you all up to Canterlot first thing tomorrow."
"Canterlot? Ponyville? Damn, if the other cities have names like this, I think we may have our work cut out for us," Daniel quipped.
"Oh knock it off Daniel. Who's Princess Celestia if I might ask?"
"Oh, she's the primary ruler of Equestria and the one who moves the sun," Twilight explained nonchalantly.
"Wh-Wh-Wh-What? She moves the...."
"The Sun yes," she replied for him.
"Christ. This is going to get weirder every minute." he lamented. "Oh well, what's on the menu for dinner here?"
"Oh yes, I almost forgot," Twilight replied. "Spike!"
"Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, I'm on it, don't get your tail in a knot," Spike said as he ran off into another hallway and one of the doors.
They then heard the sound of pots, pans, and plates banging and crashing to the floor and breaking into a million pieces.
"Oops," they heard him say.
"Fuckin hell," was all Gordon said before he followed Twilight in Spike's direction.