//------------------------------// // Without a Reason // Story: Near and Far // by TheMareWhoSaysNi //------------------------------// "I've lied. In reality, there are other persons that I like. Applejack, Vinyl. Usually, you call that friends. Are they my friends? I'm not too sure. They got something more and to be in their presence is nothing annoying to me. But I don't know if I can call them my friends. I don't know what's the real meaning of friendship. And I have to confess something about Soarin. It's the first time something like this happens to me. I think he's handsome. There's harmony in his features. He's handsome like cherubs painted on the ceiling of European cathedrals and castles. No, not like this. Like a Botticcelli muse. Only as a boy. I'm sure someday, someone will write a poem about this face." *** The day had changed its colors. Under the blue sky, everything seemed to be grey to Soarin but today, the light of the sun seemed to be almost dazzling. Life, insipid until then, now had a spicy flavor, like cinammon and apple. All this because Rainbow Dash... He knew she would be here. He knew there was a bond between them. This stupid red thread of destiny. It probably was true if he wanted to see her so bad, to know more about her so much. He never yearned for anything... Tonight, they would probably come to the city together and they would talk. At the very thought of it, he wanted to smile. But he held himself back, not to stir up suspicions. Yet nothing differed from yesterday. The sounds, the setting, walking through the crowded corridors, going into his classroom, where the same faces, the same uniforms were performing the same routine. The grey of boredom seemed to have transformed in a delicately radiant veil. Soarin sat at his desk, as usually, hands in his pockets. He stared at the threshold with more insistance than the other days, when he was looking but he never really saw things. Like all that surrounded him. He could feel some kind of impatience inside of him, a mastered impatience. The type which brings chaos inside but is invisible to the naked eye. Misty Fly, Trenderhoof, Indigo Zap, Sunburst... The first bell rang. All those who were still standing went to their desks, the others gradually went quiet, taking out their school supplies. First hour, mathematics. But Soarin kept on staring at the threshold, his neck straight but his back like anchored to the back of his chair. Already, he was losing hope. The light was colored with shades of grey. And she appeared. Rainbow Dash, her hair in a ponytail, her winter uniform, her same old shoes - though today they were of an immaculate white, to the extent that the rays of the sun seemed to be reflected in the leather. She slowly walked to her desk, behind Soarin, and smiled at him on her way. Their teacher arrived right behind her. Class was going to start. This smile was the only thing they exchanged during this first hour but it would remain engraved in Soarin's memory. The image kept on playing on his head, like a movie with only one scene repeated over and over again. And no weariness could spoil that. A wind of revolution was about to tear up the sky. *** Today, she was particularly counterproductive. Her face leaning against her palm, almost lying on her desk, she scribbled uncertain geometrical shapes on her notebook, not even bothering to listen. Who had decided to start with mathematics? If they wanted to get her attention immediately, it was best to begin with literature, geography or civics. Topics in which she had things to learn. But mathematics, she knew by heart. She deeply sighed and looked away to stare at the window. She had to find a way to keep her mind focused. The sun was shining brightly this morning. Too brightly for such a day. It should have been gloomy and dark. The sky should have been grey, full of low clouds ready to burst out at any moment. It should have translated the pain she felt since she opened up her eyes. It should have made everything as colorless as her heart. Outside, there were students in the middle of a gym class. Their shouts were brought by the wind and pierced even through their teacher's loud and clear voice. She imagined she wasn't in this classroom, that she was free, at least by thoughts. She could picture herself drawing on the sports field's clay, with the huge white chalk they used to mark the ground, these undertain geometrical shapes that blackened her notebooks. The lines would come alive and have fun trapping the feet of those who dared coming by. The sky could get involved. She could see them, those wrathful skies suddenly turning as black as the night, while the rain damaged everything, crushing loudly against the windows but also against everything that was weak in this world. Just so she could hear the girls in gym screaming and laugh at the adults' powerlessness in front of such a disaster. During long minutes, she remained this way, her face leaning against her palm, staring at the sky with an almost blessed look about her and this silly smile of spiritual enjoyment. How cruelty could be pleasant, sometimes, she thought. This precise thought quickly turned her little fierce fantasy into a muffled anguish, bloodcurdling. How dared she have enjoyed cruelty? She rubbed shoulders with it too much, too often and too closely to know there was nothing funny or entertaining about it. Even thoughts like that couldn't be taken carelessly, on the pitch of fun. All things considered, it was best to focus her attention on the class in order not to feel more blue than she already felt. Once again, Rainbow Dash deeply sighed, trying to concentrate and stare at the blackboard on which the teacher was writing formulas of mathematics. Yet, quickly, her eyes were irremediably attracted by Soarin's back, with broad shoulders that had something comforting. She didn't need to force her imagination to know that this athletic body wasn't effortless to maintain. He probably was the kind of boy who never drank alcohol, who eat reasonably and ran in the morning. For sure, he was attractive. Denying it would be denying the obvious. But his back especially got Rainbow Dash's attention. Maybe that was because, when she admired his back, she could forget about the traces of disarray he concealed inside of him. He probably could lie to himself but his body couldn't lie to her. A part of this boy was broken. Although what affected them and had them broken was probably different, there was no doubt for Rainbow Dash that they both were feeling weariness with the same intensity. With the same affliction. She wanted to enfold this back. There was some kind of tingling sensation in her hands; the desire to put her palms against his shoulder blades, to stroke the muscles, to feel it trembling under her fingers, to snuggle against him, cheeks against skin. Would her arm embrace him completely? The bell announcing the end of the lesson resounded and got her out of her daydreams. Hardely, she tried to conceal her turmoil and not to blush. What happened? It wasn't her kind to let herself go to such thoughts. Fantasies were for other girls, sappy ones. When her own mind wandered into unknown spheres, it was to imagine the rumble of the sky. It wasn't like her. Or it was a side of herself that she didn't know yet and that she wasn't sure she would like. She swore she would never do it again, neither daydreaming of her classmate's back neither imagining cruel stories that would happen to the girls in gym. Although deep inside, she knew - she would never be able not to do one or the other thing. *** "I never thought I would write that often in here. I'm not the type of girl to have a diary but I heard writing about things could help. Words are supposed to be a therapy. So, I've decided I'll write often, since I hate psychiatrists and I've made up my mind about ceasing to go on with the flow and to start swimming in the sense of the current, finally. I don't mean I'm going to be another person. I can only be myself. I mean I accept to look in front of me instead of always looking behind my back. What's done can't be undone, anyway. And I'm not the one to change anything that can't be undone. I may be a gifted girl but I'm no miracle maker. Let's stay in the real world. There's only one thing that's able to replace the emptiness inside of me by something else. Though when it began, it was nothing but air. Little by little, air got thicker. A cloud appeared, bigger and bigger and grey. Then it burst, everything charged up with rain and slowly, the water drifted. It became a trail, a river, a sean, an ocean, it beached on the sand and sand took its place. And so forth. Well, it's not exactly something. It's someone. At first, I thought it was simply because of that stupid History assignment that helped me to focus on something else but it the end, it feels good. I started to think things through. Despite the horror of my situation, what forces me to tread water while looking at my navel? Nothing at all. Why I in particular would have nothing in front of me than a huge sterile space called the future? It would mean given myself too much importance. Yes, it's hard. Yes, it hurts when it happens. That shouldn't stop me. So I've decided I was going to get things started. Let's see what's in store. It's now. If you don't do anything, nothing changes. And I want things to change. But I'm getting lost here. Fine. I was talking about someone. I don't know how it happened, I know nothing about the mechanism of human relationships. I've always been a dummy about that topic. It's a wonder how I have maintained a relationship with AJ, Vinyl and Big Mac. I'm no fool, I know they're the one keeping in touch. I could hardly understand why. I'm not nice and I'm not very empathic. If I were anyone else, even myself wouldn't want to be friends with me, despite how awesome I think I am. I know, it's all about me again. This is a diary, isn't it? It means it has to be all about me. Though right now, I'd like to speak about somebody else. Soarin. How can I put that? Remember when I said how handsome he was? Well, I've discovered something else by dint of being with him. The outside is breathtaking but the inside is dysfunctional. A bit like me, even if we're not functioning the same way. We know we're dysfunctional and we conceal it in a manner that's our own, I with contempt, him with nonchalance. This is what made me want to get to him so much. Each time we're talking, I'm feeling closer to him than I've ever been to anyone. The more we talk, the more I discover his fragility behind his bore, the intelligent mind behind the sloppiness, the thirst of passion behind the neutrality. And I like it. I was likely to feel connected with no one, not even with my own "friends", unable to give without a compensation or at least I gave the minimum, and now I'm feeling close to someone. Someone who probably don't seem to be but who's like me, deep inside. My deepest me, not the lazy show off, of course. This is only the tip of the iceberg." *** By the end of the first class, when the bell rang, Rainbow Dash took a thick stack of paper out of her bag and walked to Soarin's desk. He seemed to be slouched in his chair even more than usually. His hair in a quiff was shiny like the skies of his name. She sat down a corner of the desk and put the stack in front of him. "What's this?" Soarin asked with surprise. "Our History assignment. I told you I would take care of it." "What? But I haven't written a line." "Of course, you did. Look!" She took the papers gathered with a staple and opened it in the middle. "Here, for example, these are your notes, with your own words. I was bored so I've stolen the family typewriter and I've written our assignment with our respective notes. Now I'm feeling sleepy, by the by." Soarin took the stack she gave him and frowned in order to observe the letters typewritten on the paper. He recognized his own compositions. Some kind of frustration clenched around his guts. If their History assignment was done, how would they see each other, talk to each other? It was like a bridge between them, allowing them to learn more about each other as the sessions flew by, but now the bridge had burned, crushed by the young gifted girl's chronic boredom. "While you'll be at baseball, I'll take a nap at the library so I'll be in perfect shape when you'll go downtown. Does that bother you?" "What? That you're going to the library to sleep?" He heard her laugh for the first time. This small chuckle, like a gasp, with a closed mouth and her brows slightly forrowing. It was pretty. "To go downtown with me after baseball even if the assignment is done. And does it bother you, also, for the assignment?" - "Nope. Everything's okay," he said, shrugging. Soarin acted nonchalant as always. He thought he could do that since the bridge between them was still here. When she smiled again, he tried to hide his confusion. This smile would replace the other one in his mind. It would be his motor for the next hours of class, his sweet obsession. "It's perfect, then. Do you want to keep the papers?" "Yes, I'm going to take a look at it. It would be a shame, if questioned about it, that I wouldn't know what to answer because I wouldn't have at least read it." "Seems legit." He especially could picture the consequences of something like that with his father. He thought working was the ultimate priority and his children had to be the best among the bests. The good grade and good rank at exams dictatorship reigned supreme at his house and this, from childhood. Even Muffin, his little sister still in Middle School, suffered from it. A new hour of class began. History. Overdose of dates. Rainbow Dash was noting them down absent-mindedly. It wouldn't take more than one hour for her to memorize them. Eventually, she couldn't help but let her mind rambling. When she was lost in her contemplation of Soarin's back, she had to stop moving and to catch up on the dates she missed. Events of a war were explained... "Soarin's hair really is shiny. I like the way it sticks out from behind." French. Translation of a text. "Easy! Thank you Grandpa for teaching French to me when I was very young" ; "Soarin spends more time writing. Is he good or bad in French? When he writes, muscles of his back stretches, his shoulder blade make a light move, I can hear the sound of his jacket rubbing the cotton of the shirt." End of the class. End of the morning. Lunch break. Rainbow Dash usually ate outside, in the schoolyard, in order to make the most of the sun. She would take her lunchbox with her and left without a word or a look, her bag neglectly hanging on her shoulder by one single strap. And so, Soarin was surprised when she stood in front of him, putting her lunchbox on the table. She pulled her chair, which loudly creak against the floor and sat down. He looked at her doing so with eyes wide opened, this time unable to remain impassive. "Bon appétit!" she gleefully stroke up while opening the lid of her box. It was a red and black laquered box, like they sometimes gave away in luxurious Asian restaurants. Since he was still staring at her with a flabbergasted look, Rainbow Dash called out to him. "What's wrong?" "Nothing, I... Don't you eat outside usually?" "I do but the weather's a little too hot today. You want to eat alone, don't you?" "Not at all," he said, suddenly embarrassed, slightly shaking his head. Rainbow Dash looked with attention the lock of his hair, still impeccably eye-cathing, delicately moving on his head. It felt as if her mouthful of colesaw and chicken sandwich suddenly was delicious. "It's just that... I'm surprised, that's all." He opened his own box. "If the weather's too hot, take off your blazer. You got a long-sleeved shirt, anyway." "True, I could have done that. But it's baby blue. Imagine someone throws water at me." "Then, you'll be freshened up." "Yeah, but I don't want to be." While chewing on her food, her eyes turned mysterious, staring at an invisible spot on Soarin's desk. These eyes which he could hardly decipher baffled him, and he wondered how a simple theory about clothes and heat could lead to that look. He shrugged. "Why would someone throw water on you? There are very few chances for it to happen." "Maybe. But it's too late now, anyway." Soarin approved with a nod. Silence then appeared. In the middle of the classroom's hubbub, of meaningless and childish conversations, their silence seemed to be resounding even louder. Surreptitiously, one glance at the other from time to time, ponctuated with slight yet frank smiles. This silence had nothing oppressive. It was so natural it sounded scary, as if their presence was the only essential ingredient to their harmony. Suddenly, someone from the outside came and disturbed this muffled serenity that softly crept in between them. Sunburst, a boy from the chemisty club, tall and tanned, with ginger hair in the fashionable quiff stood in front of their desk. "Hey, Dash!" He only have called Rainbow Dash yet they both looked up at the same time with a neutral expression. "Weren't you at White Park Mall this weekend?" "Yeah with my stepmom." Rainbow Dash hated when her stepmother claimed they had to spend a girls day out but she always followed anyway, just to please her. Generally, Windy shopped like some teenage girl, and spoke about anything that was on her mind. Rainbow Dash answered nodding or by "uh uh" and never really listened attentively. Her stepmother always came back with tons of bags in her hands and Rainbow Dash only bought coffees, or sometimes discs of Eartha Kitt or Nina Simone. "Oh, so this was your stepmom. I actually wanted to ask you who was the person with you. Say, your stepmom's a knockout!" "Yeah... Her plastic surgery worked well." Her ironic and brusque tone didn't fail to call out to Soarin. He wasn't sure... Was she certain or was that only in order to move the nuisance away? If that was the case, her operation was a success. A few seconds later, Sunburst had already disappeared. Rainbow Dash's appetite was ruined. She put her sandwich back in the box and pushed it further. "Ah," she said, stretching herself out. "If only I could take a nap right now." "You really enjoy napping, I've noticed." "Well, in fact, I hate that but it's a good way of spending time. Don't think human beings could do so much more if they didn't need to sleep?" "I've never thought about it." "Well, do and you'll see. Sleep is useless. But I have to admit, when you're tired it feels good." "True story." While finishing his own sandwich, Soarin looked at Rainbow Dash out of the corner of his eyes. She was waiting for him to be done, swinging on her chair, apparently tired. He wondered why she looked so discouraged out of school and so free and lively once the gate behind her. On the previous day, he read the information there was about each student of their class, as he brought the teacher's notebook back in his office, that he had forgotten on his desk. He learned her stepmother's name was Windy Whistle and that they weren't related. He also learned her family was wealthy in the legal field, one of the country's most powerful. But he knew nothing more, and nothing about their relationship or their bond, if there was a bond. Curiosity might be arousing him from inside, he didn't want to give in. It was useless... His eyes spoke for him. "Yeah, Windy and I don't have the perfect mother/daughter relationship described in the books." "I haven't said a thing." "You don't need to. Your eyes are more expressive than you think. It's because of their green... Everything reflects in the green." "Hearing you say that, I've wondered... well, I don't know where you are with that, if you know what I mean." "I know. It wasn't ironic. So I tell you now. Things are rather cool between Windy and me. We have nothing in common except my father but I won't let her down or she'll be on her own. She's the only family I have." It wasn't completely true. Windy Whistle had a son of a previous marriage. He would be here for his mother, surely. If some accident ocured, yes, he would oblige himself to rescue her. What was sure was that for now, he wasn't really interested by his mother. He only paid employees like the cleaning lady, gardeners, plumbers. And of course, he came to the house when she wasn't there. But of this, Rainbow Dash didn't want to think. It could ruin her day and her endeavors.