A Thief's Tale: The Path To Penance

by Ringtael

Chapter Thirty-One: The... Something Trinity

Hmm… Where to begin?

When the whiteness cracked, so did the veil that Twilight had over my eyes. Rather, I knew what Diliculum had done and I knew who Kauku had become. I left the majority of myself, the whole of my being that needed to forget about ‘Diliculum’ while a part of me… A piece of my being flew back to where it was needed most. Past dying civilizations and crumbling ruins of utopias; through wastelands of bones and blood and mountains of corpses fraught with misery. I made sure that I shed the memories of those places as they came, the sliver of my power that was hurtling back toward Universe One: Equis-One-Dash-Alt-M able to streamline the process as much as possible.

The release of my power was rapid so that it would collapse before it could rise too high, but it was still enough to let me send a splinter back to the world I needed to be in the most. However, the only powers I could take with me were my True Theft, Healing Factor, Tele/Psychokinesis (The nerf was strong), Advanced Perception, and the Nullification Field, of course. I barely managed to get the Aspect through to Equis’ ‘airspace’, if you will, but when I touched down in a pocket dimension located in Ponyville, I was a little confused because I only recognized one out of the three people there, and he didn’t have black hair the last time I saw him.

My Aspect turned into a Shell with an Aetera and an Astra, which were both necessary for acquiring some more important stuff later on down the line. While I was still semi-omniscient, I used my full knowledge of all of my powers to cast a Nullifying Field around the seventeen-or-so looking year old blonde who had her back to me while a cute ginger-

✮ Fuck you. ✮

Shuddup. Cutie pie and Garrison grinned at me while I searched for their Soul Signatures in the Info Stream for a second, having full access as a Retiree and a Survivor of the Ignition (Kauku fucking over me and Roxy). I’ve forgotten what I’d learned since then, but it was enough for me to start reaching into Vivian and start pulling things out of her, like Magic, Ill Will, Hope, Sadism, Lunacy, and Happiness. Once I had all of those tucked away in a pouch, I put them back in The Whiteness where they wouldn’t do anyone any harm and waited for her to turn around and stare at me.

“... Iry Almighty…” Vivi murmured.

I glared at her. “Did you really think that reincarnating yourself was going to absolve you of your sins?”

“... Maybe?” She offered me a weak smile.

I didn’t have the power to make her stand still, but she couldn’t leave the house she’d trapped Jayne and Garrison in for months anyway. “I’m sure you have some memorable last words.”

“Mercy?” She squeaked. “I-I’m a minor!”

“With the soul of an Eldritch murderess.” I deadpanned, my left hand turning as black as the depths of the ocean where light was meaningless, swirls of white light dancing across my arm like ivy up a wall.

My hand went forward and seized her by the hair, slipping through the dimensions as easy as a stone sinks through warm water. I drew it back and she attempted to free herself from my grasp, striking at me as I brought her through the realm between back to reality as she knew it. One final push had her in the grinders of Smileton, and the pocket dimension shattered, along with the control I had over the Aspect. None of what I’ve just said feels like I did any of it, but here we are.

☬ Here we are indeed. I say we get another round of drinks and I pick up where I left off with Maud, eh? Let’s get you properly filled in on last year’s events since Jayne’s going to have to go back to Minosia soon. ☬

✮ Ugh, here’s hoping I don’t have to do a parade. ☬

… Right.

☬ You alright, Bruv? ☬

✮ Yeah, you seem a little off. ✮

Damn, you fuckers are perceptive.

☬ We all thrive off of it. What’s the deal? ☬

Well… I just don’t know whether to stay here in Equestria or go help out in Minosia. I mean, you caught me up to where you left off with Lujei’s little shitball, so it kinda sounds like Hermione needs some handling.

☬ Tch, and let you risk your life before we even have you fully equipped? You’re more Human than Jayne or I right now, Max. If we take an arrow to the heart, we can rip it out and hobble to a hospital. Your arse is grarse. Full stop. ☬

Yeah, I guess I’m kinda more ‘vincible’ these days. Heh.

✮ Oh how the mighty have fallen~ ✮

Don’t flirt with me.

✮ Fuck you, bitch-ass punk-ass faggot-ass- ✮

Pffft, I’m grabbing drinks.

☬Let’s switch back to that honey whiskey, no?☬

It’s a bourbon kind of night for me, Mate. What about you, Gingy?

✮ Imma roll anotha one. Never know when y’all might try to take advantage of a brotha in a sista’s body. Pass-Out Ass-Out ain’t my deal. ✮

Shut the fuck up.

☬ Like we’d try our friend in such a manner. ☬

✮ Shut up and tell your part of the story. You left off on Maud passing out on you. ✮

I eventually found slumber on my own time and awoke to Maud stirring against me, her mane tickling my bare chest as my wings twitched and tried not to knock her lamps over. I severely needed to stretch, and having Maud on me only made that fiery desire burn that much hotter. However, she woke up a little drunk and still gave me a bleary, adorable smile that reeked of stale alcohol and morning breath. I kissed her anyway to prove that I loved her and she made a face, probably getting a taste of what I had to deal with. She cupped a hand over her mouth for a moment to check and made an even worse face.

“Ugh… How did you kiss that?” She asked, her voice husky and tired. However, it wasn’t monotone.

“Devotion and acceptance.” I answered wisely.

“Your breath does not smell much better. We are brushing our teeth after a nap.”

“We’ve been in bed for awhile.” I commented airily.

“Mmm~ You are warm…”

“Would you like to help me wash my wings? It takes forever~!”

“You do not have to wash them every day, I know that much,” She yawned, her voice normalizing a little.

I rubbed her arm and she cozied up to me a little more. “I still need to grab some essentials for life in Jolly Junction. Well, I do have another mission, but still.”

She gave me a heartbreaking look, so I kissed her forehead and continued with, “It’s nothing major. I shouldn’t even have to end a life if all goes well.”

“How often does all go well?” Maud asked, her tone tinged blue.

“It’s a fifty-fifty shot.” I said flatly.

“... Those are not good odds.”

“No, but you are cute and me am crafty, so between you being attractive and me being not dumb sometimes, I have faith that I’ll at least live until I’m forty.”

“Give me more time with you than that.” She squeezed my midsection and buried her head into my chest.

“Forty-one years~” I chuckled.

“Forty-one years of marriage? Agreed. You cannot renege on your word.”

“Mmm, only forty-one? Then I’ll have to put off marrying you until we’re forty-one years away from dying.”

“You may as well marry me now.” She huffed.

I hugged her and pressed my lips against the top of her head. “Let’s elope.”

“I am not against the idea.”

“I’m being serious.”

“Oh. I am still not against the idea. Not now. Before you leave for your next mission.”

“A small ceremony. Are you sure your sister won’t be mad?”

“I talked to Aria while I was waiting for you in Canterlot before I decided to return home. Your sister does not like me.”

“I wonder why.” I said drily.

“You say that as if you know exactly why.”

“She doesn’t think you’re good enough for me. She wants me to marry a woman that will make me into a different person than I am at my core, and that’s not what I want.”

“Mm. It would seem that she simply wants what’s best for you.”

“She’s the little sister. She knows what looks best in a cute dress and what sweets go good with tea. Big brother whacks people for trying to take advantage of her.”

Maud chuckled at that. “You do love your sister, don’t you?”

“It’s hard not to. She’s insufferable, but her heart is in the right place.”

“Hopefully she will come to tolerate my presence.”

“Here’s hoping our little sisters don’t go to war or anything.” I tapped the headboard a couple of times, knocking on wood to ward away bad luck.

“I believe my Pinkie might beat your Ari up~” Maud teased.

“Probably. Aria doesn’t fight people that aren’t me.”

“Ah, then she may yet get along with Pinkie. My sister tends to like pacifists.”

“Tends to. That’s not a guarantee.”

“Little is guaranteed in life. Like you making me get out of bed before I am ready.” Maud sat up, getting off me as she got to stretch and give me a little smile. “What sounds good for breakfast?”

“You.” I purred, leaning forward so I could fold my wings behind my back. It wasn’t what I wanted to do with them at the moment, but the joints still felt better when they weren’t extending constantly.

She placed a finger on my lips and pushed me away, giggling. “Maybe tonight. I just want to spend today with you in our home.”

I popped her finger in my mouth and grinned around it, letting Maud bring me in closer for the inevitable kiss. It was as funky as the first one, so Maud and I agreed to take care of the morning things before we did anything else, though she had to remind me that I didn’t have any shirts that would fit over my wings. There were shops that sold Avian clothes in town, so we would make one of those our stop first thing tomorrow. Maud was serious when she said that she wanted me to herself for a day, and that’s what she got. I wasn’t complaining as we lounged around, snuggling in the glow of the Lovelight Linear Crystal.

After we lazed around for a day, blowing time as efficiently as one could while getting the fuck on with the telling of this story, Maud and I basically spent the next two days buying me random things that I needed for everyday life in Equestria until I was all stocked up on random bullshit I didn’t really think I needed. Maud shaved me like I’d never been shaved before, which is to say she shaved well for a woman. The was a certain grace to her movements that was certainly relaxing, and having my face be free of fuzz for the first time in a couple of millennia was a little more than just invigorating, even if it was a little cool outside. I didn’t know what season it was, but Maud assured me that it was nearly spring, it was just that I could barely feel the chill in the air.

After my little three day relaxation period, I’d love to be able to say that I actually got down to business, but on the fourth day, we pretty much just had a lot of sex.

Ω Oh, do tell. Ω

✮ Aren’t you still faithful to Twilight? ✮

Ω Fuck no. That String of Fate is connected to my main body. I’m basically a golem or some shit. Still don’t have a soul~ Ω

I’m not telling you about every little detail of me shagging Maud, but I will mention that she’s a lovely lover that can outdo gods. I will, however, tell you that we’re officially caught up to Jayne as of me shagging Maud for a full day.

Ω Mind if I smash Furladra? Ω

Go for it. Let me know if the Mistress of Thieves steals your heart.

✮ {Tch. Are you going to get to the Equis Twilight tracking you down or what? ✮

Er… Well…

Ω Don’t fucking tell me! Ω

Yeah, the whole house reeked of sex when Twilight teleported into Maud’s living room while she was making my pelvis number and number with every bounce of her beautiful bottom. “Gauche Sue- Oh Stars above!”

Maud sat firmly on my rod and covered herself, so I snatched a blanket that was nearby and draped it over us as quickly as I could. “Twilight, have you no decency!?”

“Your Highness,” Maud said flatly, her voice hard.

“C-Can’t you two do that in the bedroom!?”

“You would have teleported there instead.” My Mauble pointed out sharply.

“Um…”

“Twilight, leave.” Maud and I chorused.

She stomped her hoof. “No! Gauche, you have some explaining to do!”

“Later.” We said in unison. Me and Maud, that is.

She crossed her arms, not looking at us. “I’ll wait outside, but this talk is happening!”

As she left, Maud and I watched her until she was out of the door. We waited until she came out of the kitchen and left through the front door because duh and Maud went back to bouncing. After about an hour, Twilight came back in to find my lover and I relaxing in the living room, basking in the afterglow of the sex we’d had in the afterglow of the sex we’d had in the afterglow of so on and so forth. I told her to fuck off until the next day when I could actually walk and she thankfully didn’t bother me further than that for the rest of the day, but when she returned the following morning, she was obviously upset, and it was definitely my fault.

Maud let us borrow her kitchen for our private discussion since it smelled less like sex in there than anywhere else, and Twilight lead the conversation by saying, “It still smells in here…”

“Well that’s what you get for coming to chide me when I avoided you for a reason,” I replied, letting it be known that her presence was undesired.

Her hurt look affected me as much as I wanted it to. “... So… You didn’t want to talk to me at all? I… I thought you just kind of... “

“No, I was purposefully avoiding you for the same reason I was avoiding Aria. Let it be known that if you tell her that I’m here, there will be grave consequences. Certainly not solely because I’ll be doling them out, but because your actions will ripple, and the scum that floats atop the fetid pond I’ve dug for myself is thin. Do not destroy my peace, Twilight Sparkle. It will not end well.”

She stared at me, rather pale. “G-G-Gauche…”

I stood while she sat, feeling no desire to rest my weary legs. “Twilight, I do not want to be seen looking like a Demon. If Maud doesn’t want to leave the house, we don’t, and that’s the way I like it right now. Allow me my hermitude while I can appreciate it.”

I could practically see the cogs working in her brain, despite having been a little scared a second ago. Well, more than a little frightful, I’d say. As it was, she was still shaky when she asked, “Are… Are you isolation because you feel like you’re going to hurt somepony?”

“Eeyuss.”

“... Are you going to?”

It was unwise to tell her that I’d been using lust and female companionship in general to tame the young beast inside. The little fella just wanted to see how far its claws would go into the squishy colourful targets that liked to walk around, but saying that didn’t sound terribly brainful to me. There had been a gnawing feeling in my stomach since I’d grown my wings that had persisted throughout my stay with Maud, but I felt no desire to hurt her. However, there were weaker, more useless people around that made my claws ache for some exercise, and that was a problem.

I decided to go with the majority of the truth. “I don’t really want to, but I may lash out if I’m not careful.”

Her crestfallen expression did little to sway my heart, which was a large indicator in my book. It meant that I was cold to Twilight’s feelings, and that was just unusual for me. “Oh… W-Well… Gauche, I don’t think you would hurt anypony on purpose. If they didn’t deserve it, that is.”

“Maybe. Maybe not-”

“No, I have faith in you!” Twilight said foolishly.

“Then have faith in my judgement and let me come to you when I manage to dispel this curse.”

Her face fell again and she clasped her hands together. “I-I’ll research a way to help you! There has to be some way to change you back into your normal self.”

I shrugged. “Empress Kauku turned me into this. I’m not holding onto too much hope on that, Twi.”

“Oh…”

“I love you. Have a safe journey home.”

“O-Oh… Okay… I-I love you too, Gauche.” She replied quietly.

I waited for her to stand up to give her a hug. “I don’t appreciate you tracking me down, but I do appreciate the thought behind it. If no one else knows where I am, then keep it that way.”

“Okay… I’m sorry for bothering you.” She murmured morosely, hugging me back with little enthusiasm.

It told her that I accepted her apology shortly thereafter and that was about it for Twilight’s visit. Maud and I took a break from furiously sexing each other to open some windows and just cuddle for a little while instead of making things go bump in the night, morning, afternoon, and evening. Seriously, we dissolved all meaning of a schedule for the sake of screwing some more, which brings me to the point where I need to do a time-skip. How long sounds good to you?

✮ Hmm… I can do like, a month, easy. ✮

And that spans about all of my interesting activities before I decided to head back to Canterlot and see Luna about transport to Serpest. Shall I get started from the beginning?

Ω Go for it. Ω

Alrighty. So after Twilight stopped by to help me realize what I was actually doing, I decided to start getting proactive and recruiting for the Guild in the ranks of the Equestrian Ranger Corps with the approval of Luna. Granted, it was only under her authority that I got five people in the first place, but still. Those who were tired of being Rangers and were willing to take an unspecified risk that might cost them their lives didn’t pop up too often in Luna’s screening, and those who were willing to risk the Equestrian law coming down on them were even fewer. However, I was immediately treated to the benefits and treasury that I’d built in Minosia by having Maud’s old blood nobility help me establish a few businesses in the areas around Jolly Junction so I could launder my money and cook my books.

Getting my operation set up under Celestia’s nose was a little difficult since Luna wanted her slice of the pie without getting her hands any dirtier than she’d already gotten them, but I wasn’t complaining by far. No, instead of being salty that Luna would only help so much, I extended my gratitude toward her for letting me build my Guild my way without any interference. However, I feel that I should mention that Luna helped me get my business license and all the necessary materials to start up my shell company. I ended up calling it The Garrison and listing it as a private defense company, or rather, as a mercenary group with the Royal Seal of Approval.

My little group each worked their own shop with two underlings of their choosing to help them keep the money flowing whenever we needed them to go out on a mission or stroll. As of me going to Serpest, we hadn’t attracted any high-value customers yet, but the word about the Guild was supposedly spreading in the shady circles in Equestria, as few and far between as they were. We had a few small time customers that had little to no problem paying us for smaller jobs, and none of my Guildees had a problem with casual robbery since they were pretty much all former thieves themselves. Well, my Buffalo, Broad Head, was a grifter and would be performing more of those duties than any actual thieving, but I digress.

With my Guild getting started in Equestria, I decided to actually get a move on in getting my mission over with, taking a month as plenty of time to rest and relax before heading back into the line of fire. I mean, I’d technically done some interviewing and a little bit of work on the side to get my Guild up and running, but there wasn’t too much that I’d actually gone and done outside of manage my businesses. I had to hire a shady accountant that was the right kind of loyal for the right price, and with Maud overseeing my operations while I prepared to get back into action, I felt like things were probably going as good as they were possibly going to get.

As my days of relaxation and dumping my seed into soil that wouldn’t let it grow came to a close, I took my happy arse back to Canterlot and didn’t do shit when I got there at sunset. No, I waited until nightfall to go and visit Luna for the third time since I’d returned to Equestria and she was happy to see me when I entered Night Court. The smile that creased her lips was devious and coy, like she’d already come up with another way to get under my skin while somehow endearing herself to me. I already liked the woman more than her sister whenever she found it within her rights to treat me as a person, but the moments when she forgot our relative positions were few and far between anyway, so it’s not like I was complaining.

With memories of Maud’s lips dancing upon the curve of my mild smile, I waved at Luna once I was permitted entry and she started down the dais at a leisurely pace. “Hail, dear friend. Has the night treated you well?”

She offered me a moonlit smile, which is to say it was bright and white as we called across the closing distance to each other. “It passes as any other in these days of relative peace. There are stirrings in every corner, but nothing has come to pass. Ynuntu’s mission may prove to upset that balance, if that is indeed why you are here.”

I folded my arms and stopped a few steps away from her, prompting her to do the same and raise a brow. “Now you decide to start reading the case summaries before you let people in?”

“‘I want to make pudding in the Princess’ bum, but if she says no, then I want it to be legally binding for her to let me be in her slave quarters’.” She misquoted horribly.

The flat look I gave her was met with a womanly one. “I believe my exact words were, ‘My wife said it was okay to add a Princess to our family if she was okay with it, so I want to drop some baby batter in the blue broad’s bum. If that’s not okay, then I want to be her consort with benefits.’. Seriously, why even try to quote me if you’re going to paraphrase me so inaccurately?”

“Thou art half imbecile. Thine words oft sting whenst they come from our mouth.”

“I have something that can numb the pain after about five to ten minutes depending on how you use your tongue.” I gave her a wink.

She rolled her eyes and cracked a smile. “I believe you were here to arrange transport?”

“As well as receive any boons you might have for me. I have a gift for you, but how much of it I give you before I go to Serpest depends on whether or not you even have anything for me in the first place.”

“A conditional momento? T’is unlike thee…” Luna gave me a frustrated look.

“It is indeed, but it’s for a good reason.” I gave her an easy smile and unshouldered my travel pack, pulling my flasks from it. One was empty and another was full of something that even I’d had a hard time getting my hands on.

“Well… We suppose we could grant thee our blessing, if thy path seems fraught with peril.”

“Oh? What blessing might you have to offer?” I asked interestedly.

Luna seized a lock of her mane about the thickness of her finger and tugged, the ethereal substance parting from the rest easily. Once she had it in her hands, she twisted the piece of her mane until it formed a twine-like string and gestured for me to come forth. When I stood in front of her, she tied the long lock of her mane around my neck, making a loose-ish necklace that felt like silk on my skin. The minty smell of her breath was pleasant, and the sight of her lovely eyes so close to my own was pleasant to say the least.

“With this, the moon will help guide your steps, and we shall know to aid you during the night’s light,” She murmured, her breath slowly drifting across the short space between us. “Perhaps we will bring you some manner of luck?”

“Perhaps you’ll have an idea for a date after I return?” I teased.

“Succeed in your task and fail to receive punishment for it. Then we will talk.” She stepped back and I leaned away.

“What? You don’t want to see what kind of Demon I turn into next?” I asked, only half joking.

“That’s not quite it. We believe that a man worthy of our affection must be the pinnacle of his species. If it is said that thine performance could use improvement, then why would we settle for thee as thou art less than what thou could be?”

“Because imperfection is sexy. That’s why I like you, after all,” I teased.

“Funny.”

“I am.”

“You are not.”

“Then why did you lie? And why did you change vernacular?”

“I did not lie and I do not know what you are talking about.”

“Is it because you remembered before I could start chiding you?”

She gave me a wry look. “Why no, I simply thought I would start talking like a modern buffoon for no reason.”

“Mmm~ Your sarcasm is one of the sexiest things about you~” I gave her some serious ‘Come hither’ eyes.

‘Woona’, as I’d affectionately taken to calling her, gave me a minute grin. “And your appreciation of it is one of the few reasons why we actually make it through more than a few minutes of each other’s company.”

“True. As for the mission, I suppose that I could flawlessly perform this one feat for you, if you want me to.” I shrugged, giving her a cool, aloof look.

She matched my look with a smile. “Rarely do I find things to put faith behind. Return quickly, dear friend.”

“In time, Lover.” I winked at her and accepted the dismissal as it was, assuming that I was to head to the nearest Teleportation Station since that was generally how Luna implied I’d be going.

Before I left the castle, however, I went looking for the guy who was supposed to be my partner and found him snoozing in the barracks on one of the largest beds in the place. I didn’t need to dump a cup of ice down his trousers, but watching him wake up was amusing, if I may say so myself. Of course, I wasn’t exactly next to him when the ice started melting against his privates, but I heard his scrabbling and could see decently enough in the darkness to tell that he was having a time of it. With my work done, I waited for Flash Frost outside of the barracks and he eventually came out, pissed as a lizard in a blizzard.

“‘I’ll come for you on a bone-chilling night?’. Fuck. You.” He snarled.

“I told you to switch to a night schedule a week ago.,”

“Like I take orders from you, Meatsack.” He puffed a plume of frosty air.

“On this one, you rather do Bruv. You’re my expendable.”

“... Fuck.”

“That wasn’t too convincing. Try to be more offensive about it.” I encouraged.

“Aww fuck. You’re an idiot.” He groaned. “I’m gonna die. I finally got the nuts to take an arrow to the knee and ask Sidima to marry me and I’m gonna get killed in Serpest for being a fuckin’ Wyrm… Celestia just fuckin’ take me now…”

“... Did you think I was kid-”

“Yes! Who the fuck takes a Wyrm to Serpest!?”

“Kinda rhymed.”

He swiped at me with his claws and I caught them with mine. “You’re about to get me killed!”

“Not if we beat people up and make a pack of warriors follow us around.” I said, stating a thing Maud had told me.

“The problem with that is obvious you simpleton. Naga are danger-people.” Flash Frost said icily. “Naga don’t like half-breeds like me, and they don’t like flying types like you. Why in Tartarus are you even mandating that I do this!?”

“Because you turned me down when I asked you to join the Guild.” I stated plainly.

“... So you’re taking me on a suicide mission to press-gang-”

“No, I’m taking you on a normal mission to get another mission. You will live through this, but I want you to know that I’ll be dragging your arse through ‘Tartarus’ every chance I get, and there are plenty of people who want me to come back. It’s nothing personal, Meatsack,” I said calmly.

“... So… I’m dead.”

“No, you’re not.”

“But I am though.”

“If you were, I’d just kill you.”

“This could be you killing me. Just more slowly than I’d like.”

“If I were to kill you slowly you’d be in more pain.”

“I’m looking at a future that ends in death without ever having a child with my girl that could pass for a regular Dragon. Not feeling the best.”

I shrugged. “Get over it and you’ll thank yourself for it. I believe it’ll also help keep you alive.”

He gave me a sharp look that was dulled against my stony exterior. “When did you go from being benign and annoying to maniacally assholish?”

“Right around the time I became a Demon. Again, you might be my expendable, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to throw your life away.”

“What if I agree to join your Guild?”

“We can arrange that after the mission, if you’d like.”

“Garrison, please-”

“Why are you so sure that you’re going to die?”

“Because I used to live in Serpest! I got kicked out!”

“Then it’s about time you go back, no?”

“Tartarus below…” He groaned.

I patted his shoulder and he roughly shrugged me off, to which I raised a brow. “I could always let you die.”

“Fuck. You.”

“Sidima will see you sooner or later. Sooner will probably mean alive. Later means whenever I arrange to have corpse sent back, if they even accept it. Stop fucking with me so we can go meet up with our partner, no?”

“Sure. Whatever,” He grumbled. “Let me grab my shit so I can die equipped.”

“As you will.”

He sighed and went back into the barracks, so I took a second to do nothing until a flume of flame flew into existence and gave me a note, free of charge. Tearing it open, I read that Amaretta was on her way from Ponyville and would meet us in the Ranger’s quarters. Flash was irritable and antsy during the wait, though when he saw Amaretta, they locked eyes and both groaned before looking at me. I gave them both smiles in turn, trying to be cheerful since I doubted that they were going to give me a reason to be anything other than dour all day.

“Gauuuche!” Amaretta bitched mercilessly. “You’re already making me work with you, don’t make me work with my other ex!”

I looked at Flash and he shook his head. “My girl would kill me, man. C’mon.”

“Ah, then I suppose you’re off the hook. I’d rather get you killed than scorned.” I sighed.

“... Seriously?” He asked flatly.

“Yeah. Amaretta, do you have a preferred partner in the Corps?” I glanced back to Flash. Since he was just standing around. “Do you need an official dismissal?”

“Um, no. Nah. Thanks, I think.”

“You’re welcome.” I gave him a nod and turned to Amaretta. “Are you prepared?”

“Can we take a day to rest? Or can we just get a later start? That train ride was brutal.”

“Should’ve grown wings.”

“Shut up,” she murmured tiredly.

I shrugged. “Want to go grab a drink?”

“... Maud would kill me.”

“Eeyuss.”

“Why are you trying to get me killed?”

I gave her a smile. “I’ll stop when we leave for the mission. For now, we’re taking the alleys.”

Her jaw dropped and she glared at me. “Gauche-”

“You’ve crossed the wrong fellow, Lover, and now you’re under my command. Do try to survive long enough to actually help.” I said, stalking toward her as I spread my wings.

Amaretta stood her ground for a few seconds before her nature as a prey species started to take over, but out of nowhere, her irises suddenly turned a deep, oceanic blue that were definitely not her natural eye color. “I believe you would do well to stop there.”

I didn’t and stopped in front of her. “And just who are you?”

“The Mare with a reason to keep this Gulle alive. I know you are attached to Jayne. You will lead me to her after our mission is complete and I will not kill you.”

I rolled my eyes and blew her around in the air for a few minutes to prove a point, but it’s not like I was just doing it to be a prick. I even put her down nice and easy because I’m nice, but not easy. I’m no whore. “You were saying.”

She cleared her face of her mane and levelled a glare at me. “Kneel.”

I crossed my arms and scoffed. “The Undead hold no sway over the Unholy.” Then there was blink from both sides of the battlefield as we registered the fact that my voice had gone from being normal to rather demonic without me even wanting to say anything of the sort.

“Oh.” The Vampiress (I just knew for some reason.) fixed Amaretta’s mane with a snap of her fingers and tapped her chin. “You’ve never even been to Tartarus, have you?”

“Nope.”

She sighed. “And it is unwise to attack a true Demon. I know of Amaretta’s betrayal’s, but-”

“I just want her to suffer. The longer you stay in control, the more likely I am to kill her when this is over anyway.” I thought about that. “Wait, no, she’d be a needless casualty. Let’s keep her alive, no?”

“And if I choose to stay in control?”

“Well, we’ve established that I’m not going to kill you over nothing, so let’s see…”

“Let’s just go to the Teleportation Station. I require only a few drops of your blood to sustain myself for a day.” The look she was giving me told me that she’d rather suck me off for it, and that wasn’t an attractive proposition either.

I whipped out my wrist blade and pricked the opposite bicep to accumulate a fair few drops of blood. “Is this adequate?”

“Yes, actually. Have you fed one of my kind before?” She asked, coming closer as I held the blade out for her.

“No, and I’d generally rather kill Vampires then let them feed off of me, but having them as allies is more useful than having them as enemies. A dark alliance never killed anyone. Well, not anyone I care about.”

She popped my tip in her mouth and sucked my juices off of it. When she was done, I sheathed my weapon and folded my arms, waiting for her to make some form of move as she swirled my blood around in her mouth. At first her face was confused, but then it slowly changed into an expression of acceptance.

“You have a very healthy diet, Gauche. Do you eat many sweet peppers?”

“No, but I do eat a lot of Mare,” I replied flippantly, making her blink and do little else.

“I imagine you do. You faintly smell of sex.”

“Damn. Three days with every window in the house open,” I grumbled.

“Does your Mare taste like sweet peppers?”

“No, but if you’d like to smell my wing, apparently that smells of charred sweet peppers
too.”

Her eyes lit up and her smile gleamed in the moonlight, gently stained by my dark blood
as it was. “I knew I tasted a certain je ne sais quoi, if you will. Demon blood really is a special treat if it comes from those who happen to be less than evil.”

“I want to eat your heart and you’re not even a Hellbeast.”

“But you’re not going to because I am useful.” She said far more pleasantly than she’d
been during the entire encounter. “I will prove very useful to you, and you will prove tasty to me.”

“Hey, another crazy to the crater! I love Equis,” I ended flatly. “What’s your name, Lover? You’re obviously not Amaretta.”

“Why, my most common name is simply Rose, though you may call me Shade Rose, or ‘partner’, at any time.” She offered me a smile without much deeper intent behind it.

I didn’t have to read far into that smile because I knew what our relationship was about. “I’m a walking bottle of wine to you.”

“Basically. You taste better than Jameson did most days. When he stayed on Fluttershy’s diet, however, there was no such thing as an equal to that creamy, caramel, nougat-y… Ooo~hhh.” She shuddered. “To think I’ll never taste him again…”

“I’ll be sure to tell her about your feelings on the matter.” I responded darkly, not fond of her appraisal of one of the only close friends I had on the planet, even if we did like to fuck each other over from opposite sides of the world as best we could.

“Ah, yes. Even while referring to the transformation I forgot that he adheres to the feminine pronouns now. Despite hating his body, that is.”

“And you know this, how?”

“Ancient and dead. That’s how she told me to explain it to you if you ever met me.”

“It makes as much sense as it needs to, honestly.” I sighed. “Let’s get moving.”

“Can those wings carry a petite Unicorn Mare?” She asked tonelessly.

“... Yes.”

“If you were to grant me the favour of flying us to the Teleportation Station so I do not have to use these pathetic mortal legs before I have to-”

“If you tell my wife, I’ll kill you.”

“Ah.” She looked at my left hand for some odd reason.

“... Yes?”

“You wear no ring.”

I held up the blackened, ruined hand. “Do you think I could fit a ring on this claw?”

“Fair point.”

Carefully, I pulled my button-down to the side and exposed the Mark of Amelemme with
Maud’s name tattooed inside, just over my breast. “This is the Avalesch tradition. I know Araluens used rings, but we Avalesch always marked ourselves for life when it came to matter of the heart.”

Shade Rose gestured toward the other tattoo that showed its face on my shoulder. “And the other one?”

“The mark of Vio, the God of Truth, Lies, and Balance.”

She made a face. “Vio must be from your world, though regardless of where you may come from, I doubt you could rely on his assistance.”

‘Fuck that bitch.’

“He says fuck you, but that’s the first time I’ve heard from him in a long time.”

She raised a brow. “Oh? So you communicate with your gods?”

“The ones indebted to me and the ones that don’t hate me,” I said casually.

“Ah, I see that list must be small.” Shade gave me a playful smile and took a step toward me. “How about we go get this mission over with so I can go back to having fun?”

“Sure. How old were you again?” I asked, blowing her off of her feet and taking off from the ground, catching her during my ascent.

“You ass!” She wailed, laughing her arse off shortly after as she looked down, beaming.

I feel it necessary to say that I flew too fast for the trip to take long, and it wasn’t much of a wait to get onto the Telepad since it was early in the morning and there were few enough people going to Serpest in the first place. The line was actually nonexistent since it was known to be a Pony-Hostile country, whereas some of the neighboring places would tolerate Equestrians. Shade and I were allowed to teleport almost as soon as we were checked in. I’ll cover that little bit the next time I get to talk. I feel like you’ve been waiting forever to get Max caught up on your stuff, Jayne.

✮ Hell yeah, I have! I just can’t believe we’ve got you back, Dude. ✮

Ω Well, we’ll see how long me being back lasts. Who knows if this Shell will take? Ω

✮ Whatever, let’s just enjoy you while we got you, right? ✮

Ω Tch, you sound like a good friend, Jayne. Shut up. Ω

Pfft.

✮ Whatever, man. It’s my turn. ✮

Alright, so let’s pick up with where cunt-burger bastard-ass threw me under the bus for trying to find some solace anywhere I could during the tumultuous times that lead up to me being on the throne. When Diane visited me along with Twilight, who was unfortunately sent as the Ambassador, I was both floored and very unhappy with my life and how things were turning out in that very moment. Just earlier in the day I’d stubbed my toe, accidentally broken one of my wings, nearly broke my tail, and accidentally found out that I could gouge stone with my nails at the moment because Yokai. I’ll leave the comparison to Garrison for another time, and yes, I’ll be the one doing it since I’m the only one out of the three of us who knows enough about Demonology and Magic in general to explain why we weren’t on the same level.

☬ No complaints here. ☬

Ω Why not just explain it now? Ω

Because it’s a bad time for it. Anyway, Diane and Twilight came on the same day with Diane having followed Twilight as her bodyguard. When they stood in front of me in the Courtroom, I not only swore to myself, but I cursed Hermione for not warning me that my girlfriends save for the first one were stopping by to step into Lujei’s line of fire. When Twilight came to a stop and stared up at me, Diane kept coming and marched past my guards, dispatching them like paper soldiers on a cardboard game… Board. Fuck.. Instead of remaining seated, I stood up and waited to get slapped, but then Diane hugged me and murmured something that touched my heart in all the right ways.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you.”

It was softly spoken, but I couldn’t have heard her anymore clearly. The wave of shock it threw me through was one thing, but realizing that Diane knew about my first ‘experience’, shall we say, was… Well, having her hug me, even knowing that I just laid there and took it like a-”

Ω I’ll hit you. Ω

… It really is good to have you back. Anyway, I didn’t know how to reply other than by hugging her back like my life depended on it, desperate for her to understand that I hadn’t wanted to walk my path alone, to turn my back on her. I didn’t want to end up on the other side of the planet as far away from her as I could be without leaving the realm, but life just sucked like that at the moment. We didn’t let each other go for a good few minutes, and for once, the feeling of breasts pressing against my own didn’t make me want to lop the lumps on my chest off. Instead, it was actually kinda nice, but then I remembered something I’d thought was odd.

Diane’s hair was brown.

I pulled away from the hug and looked at her, confused. “... Thank you for coming.”

“Lujei tried to get your little Butthead to scalp me, but the closest she could get was turning my hair a bad color.”

“Ah.”

“Diane can take care of herself, Buster.” She booped me and gave me a warm smile, looking down at me. It sucked that I was considerably shorter than her, but it also had its perks. Like the fact that standing on my tiptoes to kiss Diane just felt natural, like I was supposed to be shorter than her all along.

“I see that.” I replied, giving her a little smile. “I… I missed you.”

“I know…” The look in her eyes told me that she knew all too well what I’d been through in the past few weeks, and it took a lot for me to not just cry on her shoulder for a little bit and let my heart ease.

I gave her one more hug before we both descended down the dais and came to stand in front of Twilight. She looked confused to say the least. “Diane? You know Queen Jayne?”

“Hi, Beautyberry,” I said softly.

She blinked. “You know about those? I thought they were native to Equestria.”

“Twilight…” Diane said softly. “This is Jay.”

My purple girlfriend gave me an awkward smile before looking at my brunette, Human girlfriend. “Um… So… I’m lost.”

“It’s a long, painful story, Twi. Let’s skip that and let me get you girls a guide for the day, yeah? I’ll have to waive the charges for Diane fisting my guards, but that’s whatever.”

“Wait, I’m here on official business!”

“Oh, are you?” I asked, furrowing my brow.

“Yes! I’m supposed to be negotiating a peace treaty with you!”

“Ah, send Celestia.” I replied lazily. “I don’t want to bargain with my girlfriend.”

“It’s my duty-” Twilight started bravely.

“It’s a conflict of interest is what it is.” Cutting her off was prolly rude, but it was necessary. “Celestia or Luna can schlep their happy honky asses over here and negotiate if they want to, but not you.”

She glared at me. “What, do you think I can’t handle myself or something!?”

“No, I know you can’t handle me.”

“Oh yeah!?”

“If you try, I’ll break up with you and Fluttershy, then I’ll tell Fluttershy that it was all your fault.” I bluffed ruthlessly.

“... Oh.”

Diane hit me. “Don’t take that seriously. She’s just trying to scare you into acting like a good little girl so she doesn’t actually have to get scary with you.”

“It’s working…” Twilight said softly. “Jay-”

“My name’s Jayne now.”

“J-Jayne, then… Don’t you want to come back to Equestria?”

“I can’t. Not right now.”

“Why not?” She asked, her eyes full of more questions than I could give her answers to.

“... Because I’m cursed, in a manner of speaking. People who get close to me tend to get hurt if they’re not willing to strike back…”

“I-I can defend myself!”

“You wouldn’t hurt a fly,” I said softly, “And I love that about you, Twilight. I really do. Just let me hook you and Diane up with a guide around the grounds for a bit so you can take it easy.”

She looked back towards the posse she’d brought along with her. “C-Can I bring my guards? Just in case?”

“Bad experiences abroad?”

Diane grimaced. “Equestrian Honor Guard Waltzing through town? People aren’t fond.”

I winked at Diane. “Then I’ll meet you out in the Gardens after Court is done for the day. It shouldn’t too much longer now.”

She didn’t wink back. “I have some words for Hermione whenever she summons the courage to show her face.”

“Oooh.” I hissed.

“... I will hit you.”

“We smoothed it out!”

“She was nowhere near as opposed as she wanted you to think she was!”

“She still didn’t want to do it, and she was genuinely remorseful!”

“And that just makes it okay!?” Diane asked, flailing her arms about.

Mari grabbed me by the collar and dragged me out of the pilot seat, turning on the waterworks in seconds. “Stop yelling at me! I don’t want it to be okay, but it has to be!”

The tricky bitch flipped Hug Bunny’s switch and got us a hug for her female tactics. “Oh, Gingersnap! I didn’t mean- Well, I… Baby, it’s not your fault! I know you’re coping with it as best you can, but you don’t have to just let it be!”

“Lujei.”

“Fuck.”

“Um…” Twilight hummed. “What’s going on?”

“Jayne got molested by the Mare that happens to be her Queen and the same piece of poo that turned my hair brown-”

“I think I really like you as a brunette though,” Mari added sweetly, curving our lips into a shy smile.

Diane gave her a warm smile and a quick kiss. “Thank you, Honey-Eyes. Anyway, Queen Hermione is a really big Butthole, and we need to go kick her in her… Butt… Yeah, let’s just yell at her.”

Mari let me have control, giving me a tender smile as she passed me the controller. ‘Was that pitching in?’

During the little moment, I couldn’t help but crack a smile at her. ‘Thanks, Sweets.’

Once I was in the pilot seat again, I sighed from Diane’s arms. “Please don’t.”

“Why don’t you go sit on your pretty chair and dictate?” Hug Bunny held me at arm’s length before leaning down to kiss my nose.

I stole a normal kiss from her instead. “I’ll dictate if you behave.”

“You might be a woman now, but I’m still the woman in this relationship.” She said flatly.

“Hay!” Twilight interjected. “I’m in this relationship too!”

“Are you going to do what I asked or are you going to ignore me?” I asked

She looked at me blankly for a second, glancing to Diane who said, “It would make you a better girlfriend if you ignored her.”

“She doesn’t need to know about that. If you want to be mad, then be mad, but don’t drag her into it too.” I murmured.

My brunette bombshell huffed lightly and rolled her eyes. “I’m tracking Hermione down one way or another.”

“I’m helping!” Twilight said, nodding like she knew what she was agreeing to.

I gave them both hugs in turn. “Don’t ignore me, please.”

Diane turned to Twilight, her gaze making the little Pony shuffle her hooves. “You’re welcome to see the Minosian Gardens if you want, but I can’t let someone who technically wronged my Baby walk free.”

“But… Jay-ne. Erm, Jayne doesn’t want us to retaliate…” Twilight answered, stuttering on my new name.

“That’s because she’s traumatized and is currently experiencing a form of Saddled Syndrome.”

“And I believe I have heard quite enough of this slander,” Hermione said from the balcony above the Courtroom. My little trio looked up to see her on her way down, just before she landed with a light clop. “My affair with Jayne was little more than an unfortunate situation that could have been worse for me. No, I may not have exactly been disgusted by what I’d had to do to Jayne, but I am ancient. Little truly phases me anyway.”

I pointed at her shyly. “And I get that.”

Twilight gave me a heartbroken look. “You poor Mare-”

“I’m/She’s not a Mare, I’m/she’s a woman.” I chorused alongside Diane and Hermione.

My littlest lover blinked and nodded. “Ok- Okay…”

Diane and Hermione glared at each other until Hermione said, “Why don’t I show you to the arena? I’m-”

“Bitch, I will bite you!” I snapped.

Hermione levelled a cool look at me. “Your miasma tastes like spiced ginger cider. It’s not even a punishment, Carnation.”

Diane looked at me and folded her arms. “Why are you so intent on making us get along? We’re obviously not going to be buddy-buddy.”

“Well maybe I’d just like to have my advisor and my girlfriends get along,” I groaned. “It’s whatever. If you two want to fight, then just don’t draw blood, please?”

Hermione gave me a softer look than she’d given me up until that point. “Of course, Dearest.”

My-

Ω You realize Hug Bunny was my wife first, right? Ω

Shut up, faggot. It’s sexier when I kiss her.

Ω Damn straight, but- Ω

☬ No, she’s got you there. ☬

Ω Fuck. Ω

As I was saying, my hug-slut pouted at me. “If you’re that concerned about it…”

Hermione extended a hand to Diane, a pink coral comb in her grasp. I didn’t know where she got it from, but I assume it came from her treasury. “Perhaps a poplar branch to help us build a bridge?”

My best friend glared at the comb and glanced at me for the briefest of seconds before taking it carefully. Reaching into the pocket of the sexy little jacket she was wearing, she pulled out a little seal-cracker. “Tit for tat, then.”

Hermione took the gift with a small smile. “Encouraging me to break the law, are we?”

“You are the law in a couple of countries,” Diane said amusedly, like her sensew of humor let her point

out roadkill on the highway.

I wasn’t fond of her tone, but she wasn’t exactly mine to command. Hermione didn’t take offense to the implication, replying with, “And you tend to break the very laws of reality. It’ll be interesting to see how our mutual friend brings us together.”

They gave each other a nod and Twilight looked between them before asking, “... Does that mean you’re going to be our guide, Madam Hermione?”

“Please, Twilight. We’re all a part of Jayne’s inner circle here, so let’s be more familiar with each other-”

“Except Twilight can’t be seen so much as smiling near you.” Hug Bunny’s tone was rueful, but the look on her face said she’d been waiting to point something of the sort out.

Hermione grinned. “Follow me, won’t you gals?”

Diane nodded and Twilight pretty much just shrugged and went along with it while I went back to ruling a country with half a clue about how to do it. I don’t think I did anything terribly important that day besides get called to the castle gates just before I was scheduled to have dinner, which was a little bit of a piss off. I was scheduled to have potato soup, and my chefs had finally learned how to make proper sour cream, so I was about to have loaded baked potato chowder instead of just normal soup because fuck soup.

With my tail flicking back and forth in irritation attracting way more glances toward my rear than I’d like as I walked along, I was slowly growing more and more pissed. I’d hated the tail in the first place since it meant that sleeping on my back was completely out of the picture, and ever since I’d gotten it, I’d only ever gotten compliments on the little bastard. It was only a foot or a foot and a half long, give or take, but the slim, fuzzy little thing was more of a pain than it was worth. However, I always managed to smack the shit out of Tedea whenever she tried to sneak up on me, the fin-like tip of my tail being like a paddle whenever I was irritated.

When I accidentally whacked my pursuer, I look over my shoulder and saw the fifteen year-old Cow rubbing her hand. “Ow!”

“That’s what you get. Stop trying to grab my ass. You’re literally my ward.” I deadpanned, not stopping.

“But Mistress Jayne-”

“No buts. Especially not mine.” I responded sternly.

“Oh come on! You can’t expect me to go from being satisfied every day to getting no action at all!”

“I don't want to hear about that. Don't you have two hands anyway? Take care of yourself.”

“But I can’t!”

“I’ll put an order for some things to be sent to your room. Have the others let me know if they want similar things for that kind of thing when you see them.”

“Okay, that’s good for then, but what about now!?” Tedea cried piteously.

I looked over my shoulder and saw that she was about to get slapped by my tail again. “Grounded. Next full week. Starting now. Trying to molest the hand that’s feeding you is stupid, Tedea, and it seriously pisses me off. Go back to your room and stop tryna fuck me.”

The brown Cow glared at me with everything she had, which is to say that she gave me a huffy-puffy shriek and stormed off, prompting me to gesture for a couple of servants to see her to her quarters as they passed along her tantrum. With that little bit of Cow-shit taken care of, I made my way to the gates to see that Twilight and Hermione were having a shouting match and that Twilight was so frustrated that it looked like she was ready to bawl her eyes out. I hurried along to catch them before Twilight could do something stupid, or rather, to forestall the Equestrian and Minosian guards from going at it. My Minotaurs were already fingering their weapons while the Equestrians looked ready to spring into action themselves, though I wondered how well it would go for them on Minosian grounds.

“Ay!” I boomed over the din of the crowd and Twilight’s yelling. “The hell are y’all raisin’ a fuss over!?”

Diane stopped her protectee from running over to me while Hermione calmly crossed the distance, the stage setting itself perfectly. “My Darling Carnation, the little wretch from Equestria has overstepped her bounds.”

“You’re the one who’s being a nag!” Twilight yelled.

I gave her a bored look and she crossed her arms, turning away from me. Looking back to Hermione I asked, “So what happened?”

“I offered to open negotiations with Equestria to Cragspire and she spit on my gift of peace and reconciliation.” Hermione said haughtily.

“Equestria will never-”

“She doesn’t have the authority to make that call. Wait until Celestia’s here for all that, tall, gray, and sexums.” I said casually, making the crowd that had gathered gasp.

Hermione cupped my cheek and kissed my temple, eliciting a blush from me that I immediately hated. “As you wish, Carnation. Perhaps I can finish up with today’s duties while you make peace with our Equestrian Ambassadors?”

I gave them a calm once over. “Guards! Stand down, the situation is resolved. As for my guests,” I looked at Twilight in particular, “I believe it would be for the best if you were to take the rest of the day to read up on Minosian history. It’s really quite fascinating, and more than worthwhile. The library in the castle has everything you might want to know about the general stuff.”

There were murmurs in the crowd when Twilight agreed to quietly read in the castle, my dominance over Equestria having been shown in one small move. Of course, if it had been Celestia or Luna backing down instead of Twilight, it would’ve meant more, but still. Having a Royal Equestrian not storm out of the country in outrage at being dismissed was a landmark occasion, and it was the main reason I’d let Hermione go ahead and handle things her way. If she wanted to be the bad gal, then I was happy to let her make me look like Madam Good Cop.

With that bit of bother out of my way, I took to the streets of Grey Grotto to avoid being stuck in the castle, and as usual, Midas and Ligre accompanied me so I wouldn’t get into too much trouble. Midas, as you may have guessed, rarely ever left my side for more than a bathroom break, but Ligre was a constant presence by my side as well, and he was the main reason I generally got around without too much hassle. Midas on his own isn’t that intimidating as far as Minotaurs go, but Ligre isn’t a Minotaur. He’s just a Basilian Panther that’s built like a small Minotaur. He and Midas go way back, apparently, and it shows whenever the three of us and my other guards are strolling around town. The guy’s pretty nice to have around. His casual, joking nature and rolling, purring speech juxtaposed perfectly against Midas’ stoic demeanor and generally prudish way of talking, even if he himself wasn’t a prude. They just played off of each other rather well and made for a good team, even if I was pissing people off by having a Co-Guard Captain for the Night Shift. My other guy, Oedipus, was a real motherfucker and wouldn’t hesitate to nag at me, so I usually waited until Ligre took over for the day to do anything outside of the castle.

As it was, I waved at the people who bowed or waved to me, which meant that I was doing plenty of waving. A lot of the peasants, shall we say, were pretty damn fond of me since you only had to hear me talk to know that I wasn’t from noble stock, let alone royalty, and at that point I was starting to fund public education and word was getting around throughout the country that I was going to start converting some of the abandoned factories and whatnot to schools. Public opinion of me was positive as far as the Extra-Minotaur races went, but the Minotaurs themselves were having a hard time accepting me outside of the field of battle. I got outright challenged a time or two, which wasn’t out of the usual for my evening walks, but it’s not like I actually had to do anything.

After Ligre got done with his job a couple times over, we left a few crowds of citizens to pick up the dumb fucks that tried to steal the throne from the gal who wanted it least in the fucking country. Few people actually did any picking up since Ligre’s not that mean, and he never has been. Of course the guy can kill, but it’s just not something he can really put his heart behind, even with as young and vigorous as he and Midas are. I might keep a small Honor Guard, but the fuckers I keep are definitely quality bastards.

After our walk and that bullshit, I returned to the castle and finally got dinner with Twilight and Diane, but the mood was a little more somber than I would’ve liked. Hermione agreed to ‘sleep’ in her wing of the castle for the sake of keeping up appearances around Twilight, but I kinda hoped that my naive little lover would go ahead and guess that she was supposed to stick to my wing. It’s not like I was forbidding her from seeking Hermione out for further discourse, but I did warn her against it without having Diane or myself nearby. The idea was honestly just unwise, and that was considering that Hermione had no intentions of hurting Twilight in the slightest. I had no doubts that Purps was going to start a war if I let her, and it wasn’t going to be because she slipped up and said the wrong thing.

Nah, I figured she’d prolly try to banish Hermione back to Tartarus. It almost happened too, but luckily I just so happened to be on my way past my Co-Queen’s door when I heard her say, “Twilight Sparkle, cease your foolishness before I end you.”

I entered with a bored look on my face as Purps was waving her hands around in the air while Hermione stared her down, quite unimpressed. “No way, you Lich! The Undead belong in-” I smacked the back of Twilight’s head hard enough to make her lose focus, but soft enough to let her know I cared. “Ow!”

When she whirled around to glare at me, I stared her down. “Twi. The fuck are you doing?” She jammed a finger in my face that got slapped down before she could open her mouth. “No. I don’t disrespect you in your home. I expect you to remember that you are here as a guest. An Ambassador. Go to your Maxdamn room before I have you deported.”

Her face crumpled at tears filled her eyes as she slammed her hoof down. “No, you listen here! I’m a Princess, and I demand respect! I-”

“Have given none and will receive what you have sown.” Hermione snarled. “Until further notice, you are banished from Minosia.”

I gave Hermione a sharp look that she met with a steely one of her own, sparks flying in anticipation of a fucking wreck. “I think I’ll dictate which dignitaries are forbidden from entering the country I won, thank you.”

“And you would allow an openly hostile member of a rival nation do as they please in our home?”

Twilight started waving her hands like a loon again to get her spell going, so I hit her for it. “Knock it off!”

“Stop hitting me!” She yelped angrily.

“Stop trying to banish my help! Seriously, aren’t you supposed to be acting like royalty instead of a child?”

“I am not-” Twilight started shortly before Hermione lifted her hand up and cast it to the side quickly, flinging my girlfriend through a portal, most likely back to Equestria.

“And that ended about as well as I thought it would.” My Queen grunted irritably.

“You could’ve put her to sleep at any time.” I snapped.

She raised a brow. “Excuse you?”

“... Sorry, Mommy.”

☬ You’ve gotta flogging my cock! ☬

Ω Kinky little slut, aintcha? Ω

Shut up. Hermione gave me a minute smile and nodded. “All is forgiven, though I wish you would pick your partners more wisely. There are few Yokai with your power, you know~”

I blushed and looked at the ground. “I don’t need dating advice, I need advice on how to stop this from blowing up in my face.”

“Celestia’s cooler head may prove fruitful in the coming tides, though what fruit her mind may bear is yet to be seen. I believe I should let you handle her alone, however.”

“Yeah, no, there’s nothing really stopping her from bowling me over unless I don’t feel like it. I might be pretty strong, but I’m still only an A-Rank magically, Mommy.”

“Hmm… Then-” A note flared into existence in front of me, so Hermione let me read it in peace before asking, “So? Does the Great White Headache send her regards?”

“She’ll be here by the end of the week to either level the castle or get to the bottom of why I put my hands on Twilight.” I grunted.

“So I will definitely be around.”

“Please?”

She came in for a hug that was extra nice because she was cold and it was oddly stuffy in her room. “It is no problem, my sweet Carnation. Anything for Mommy’s little girl~”

☬ Please stop. ☬

It’s what happened, but that was the end of the conversation for awhile. I kept clothes in Hermione’s room anyway, so I got changed for bed in there, but apparently she wasn’t feeling the pajama pants and T-shirt combo like I was. No, the old, dead-as-fuck bitch decided to have some glorified lingerie made for me and asked me to wear it as recompense for not outright mind-raping or killing Twilight for technically attacking her without any reason to do so. She warned me that Diane could be subject to another makeover if I said no, which was an empty threat because I knew that Diane actually let herself become a brunette so she could match Tea Leaf, an old friend who’s long gone by now.

Still, Hermione asked, and I do a lot of dumb shit for the people who show me the slightest bit of loyalty sometimes, so I wore the thing she wanted me to wear and climbed into bed with her, cuddling up close because she didn’t mind how close I let my face get to her chest. It was a lot like sticking your face into the cool sides of two pillows at once. She also didn’t get warm, no matter how long I spent as close to her as I felt like getting, so that was extra nice. Being a Yokai really had its downsides as far as the feeling of constantly being hot but never sweating goes, which is probably why a lot of them historically marry Revenants or similarly intelligent Undead. Anyway, after a nice night with Hermione, I found Diane in the morning before I could get started on my daily duties so I could explain what went on over the night to her. Since Diane wasn’t even technically a citizen of Equestria, she couldn’t take over Twilight’s spot and do anything other than observe Court or go back to Equestria. There was just one little thing about that, though.

My first order of the day was to make Diane a Minosian citizen and give her a place to stay in the castle. There was a little bit of irritation from my cabinet, though the only ones who even so much as gave a rat’s tail were Leonidas and Persephone, and the Cow’s only problem was that Diane was prettier than her. Of course Persephone didn’t actually say anything of the sort, but it was implied nonetheless. Outside of that, no one really gave a fuck since rumors had spread about Twilight going against Hermione, and the general consensus on that was something along the lines of ‘Stupid little whorse deserved what she got’, though most people didn’t know exactly what it was.

Did I mention that Equestrians still didn’t have many fans in Minosia? Of course I don’t need to, I just feel it necessary for the moment is all. That being said, Diane chose to fuck around in Court with me all day to see how I handled my business and she chided me with a smile on her face about making people do dumb shit for wasting my time. I could tell that my beautiful Baby Blue didn’t have too many problems with me getting weird for the sake of it, and it was often the cause of many jokes between us throughout the day, as well as the main influence behind a few particularly creative punishments. They were effectively harmless, of course, since my girlfriend preferred them to be, but I was tempted to give one fellow a tongue lashing like you wouldn’t believe. Not only did he keep talking after the fifteen minute mark, he was repeating himself. I’d already had a verdict ready before the second time, but by the fourth, I was ready to shut him up until Diane did it for me, cementing her status as a Minosian by taking the Bull by the horns and suplexing him.

Days passed without word from Celestia until she eventually showed up one day while Diane and Hermione were play-fighting over who would advise during the rest of Court for the day. Her herald (The normal kind of herald, not the Undead kind.) announced her presence and gave me time to summon Hermione to Court, though she wasn’t exactly far away. She took to her throne on the dais without passing me a second look until she sat down, a small smile playing on her lips.

“I’ve held my very presence as a secret to the Equestrians for a long time now. I’m interested in seeing what throwing my cards in with yours will do.”

“Hopefully it gives us a bridge or something and we whoop all the old people at the retirement home.” I gave her a grateful little smile.

She rolled her eyes. “Celestia may very well try to bully us into some manner of unfavourable negotiation, you do know that, no?”

“Of course I know that. I also know that I’m as prepared for this as I’m ever going to get, so hopefully she quits stalling and gets her ass in here sooner rather than later.”

It took a couple more minutes, but Celestia evidently deigned it worthy of her time to enter the Courtroom, so I rose from my seat. Before I could greet her, she turned to Hermione and asked, “Who are you?”

“So rude, you Equestrians,” Hermione tutted disapprovingly. “After all, there’s nothing I’ve done to spark any ill will between us.”

Celestia narrowed her eyes at Hermione and nodded. “You know who I am, but I greet you as Princess Celestia of Equestria. Would you do me the favour of telling me your name?”

“Of course, young one.” Hermione said with a patronizing smile. “Why I am Hermione of Equinis, Queen of Cragspire.”

The Princess’ gaze hardened. “I see… So the rumors of your undeath?”

“Quite true, though I haven’t so much as felt the need to harm another being in quite a few months. I tend to be quite the pacifist when the option is available.”

“Which is why you banished Princess Twilight back to Equestria for no reason?” Celestia asked stonily.

Hermione and I both raised brows at that before turning to Celestia. “The fuck did Twilight tell you went down?” I asked.

The ancient Princess turned her flinty gaze to me and said, “Twilight says that she was trying to do her duties as a Princess of Equestria when you started abusing her for trying to negotiate.”

I gave Celestia the most fucked up look I could before I glanced at Hermione, my eyes settling on Celestia. “... Twilight… Lied?”

The look on the white Mare’s face was astonished as Hermione just scoffed. ”Of course she lied. She deliberately followed me to my quarters and waited until she thought I would be asleep to enter my wards. If I was actually capable of sleeping, she may have actually gotten herself hurt.”

Celestia passed her a flat look. “Then I suppose it’s all for the sake of both of our nations that nothing too vital happened. I assume Twilight gave me a certain version of the truth that-”

“Was a lie.” Queen Hermione said plainly.

“This is why I negotiate with our foreign dignitaries.” I groaned.

“I see no point in beating around the bush during political matters. It only serves to make the endeavor ever more tedious.”

The Princess shook her head as I sighed. “I’m assuming Twilight mistakenly tried to banish you back to Tartarus for being an Undead?”

“Essentially.” Hermione deadpanned. “It truly was tactless. I gave her ample opportunity to stop.”

Celestia glared at me instead. “So why did you hit her?”

“Because she was attacking a native member of royalty? It really was within our rights to banish her to Tartarus or arrest her for ourselves.” I said frankly. “Diplomatic immunity or not, a memory spell reveals the truth, and the truth is that Equestria stepped on our toes for no valid reason that would stand up in the World Court.”

Cornered and well aware of it, she drew a deep breath and leveled a harsh, dangerous look at me. “Your demands?”

“Open trade. Equal taxes both ways; no hiking up imports on either side. We let the market establish its own prices, for better or worse.” I started reasonably.

Apparently being old makes you unreasonable. “And you don’t think I know that you’ve opened trade with Tartarus itself? Woman, you’ve obviously lost your mind-” I stared her in the eye. “Shit.”

“Eeyup.”

Hermione glanced over at me. “Oh, stop. You’re quite lucid.”

I waved a hand at her, causing Celestia and Hermione to look at the wall in that direction. “Yo, it’s over here.” I pointed at the thirteen foot and one pussy-hair tall ice sculpture that was on the opposite end of the room.

They both gaped.

“... How…” My Queen murmured.

Celestia slowly turned to me, so I waved. “So I wear a thin veneer of sanity. It’s much thicker than my patience, but I can guarantee that your hubris is far more than enough to crack both. You no longer have any options, Celestia. You either agree to everything, or I bring Twilight back here and we find out if she can fit inside you.”

“... The bloody tartarus is wrong with you?” Hermione whispered.

The Princess that most people cared about almost had a chance to cast a spell before I whistled, the tone high and shrill. Of course my Furies came out to play, but a few others from the Nether Realm had decided to follow the call of madness for a taste of excitement outside of torturing the same guy with the same thing for the same period of time before going back to the same old cave with the same old Demon wife that made the same old eyeball fucking chowder. She was swarmed in seconds, her shields taking a brutal battering from a battalion of butt-ugly bitches as I cast Cantrip after Cantrip: the only ‘spells’ I could use that weren’t Arcana.

Ω ... What? Ω

☬ I’m with Max. ☬

Dude, Max, like, what do you even remember?

Ω Uh… I think this Shell has complete memories up to… Met God and died… Oh! The last thing that happened was that I watched Pulp Fiction with Noir and had to explain it like, nine times. Shortly after Cadance’s wedding, actually.I remember some of our conversations and stuff, but it’s like dreams, y’know Ω

I’d argue that your brother-in-law’s wedding oughta rank higher than Pulp Fiction, but fuck. Gotta love the classics.

Ω Wha- Oh yeah, you’re from the future. That’s weird as fuck. Ω

☬ Can the Ginger just explain the Magic now? ☬

… Do you actually care?

☬ Cantrips sound handy. ☬

That they are. Should I just go for it, or…? Okay, yeah. Whatever.

So starting off with the basics as we fucking should, a Cantrip is essentially the most basic form of ‘spell’ that can be cast, and I use the term ‘spell’ loosely because it gets tossed around a lot outside of the Magic Community. A Cantrip is a spell that’s often innate or incredibly basic to learn, meaning that they can be cast non-verbally or in rapid succession with no problem. The problem with Cantrips is that their speed, versatility, and ease of use all come at the cost of potency. Whereas a Fireball Spell would be able to burn down a thirty foot tall tree in ten minutes, a Fireball Cantrip would probably just roast the bastard a bit. However, as I’ll mention when I get back to my part of this unnecessarily convoluted tale, my Cantrips were special.

Still, moving onto Spells with a capital ‘S’, these are what one normally thinks of when they see Magic or hear of it. People waving their hands, wands, or staffs and chanting some silly bullshit in whatever mystical language lets them tap into the Aether. The thing about Spells is while they’re basically just upgraded Cantrips, they’re considerably harder to cast, create, and use effectively as a result. The power of the Spell often gets determined solely by the user’s own Mana Residue Pools, which is how they differ from Cantrips and Arcana. In the vein of Cantrips, the power of the spell is directly influenced by your affinity with the School of Magic you’re trying to cast, and in the case of Arcana, those are open to pretty much anything.

Arcana… Now when you think of Archmages conjuring storms that lay waste to battlefields, that’s basically what you’re dealing with. Arcana can technically be used by anyone depending on who teaches the spell to you, but they’re often highly personalized pieces of Magic that serve a sole purpose. You could’ve called Max’s True Theft a Physical Arcana and Shade Rose’s Bloodrayne an Aetherial one, though there multiple different kinds that just can’t really be explained. The thing about Arcana is that they’re beyond fucking simple to cast since no one makes their strongest combat spell hard for themselves to remember (When taking immortality into account, in most cases), though Grand Arcana are a completely different level of fucking impossible.

Unless you make your own. Wink.

Ω Huh. Ω

☬ Informational. So my Air Bow is a Cantrip? ☬

Eeyup. Y’all good?

☬ Carry on. ☬

Ω Waiting on you. Ω

Sweet, so I was flinging Blasphemous Hornets at Celestia like there was no tomorrow. The little bastards themselves just look like black hornets that are accented by the color of one’s Mana, so of course mine just so fucking happened to be the most florid, flaming orange I’d ever seen. The swarm that surrounded me as I cast the Cantrip dozens upon dozens of times by shattering a piece of my conscious mind and tasking the fragments to do the thing grew denser by the second, even with a steady stream pelting Celestia’s rapidly weakening shields and wards with casual Hexes and the occasional critical Curse. The Hexes weren’t much; just a couple of Irritant type deals. The Curses however, ranged from Wither to Weaken, wrapping around the alphabet to come and see the other ‘W’ Curses for tea.

When Celestia’s shield finally broke, I called off my attack and waited for her laser to scythe through a few Demons and impact my own defenses. Her laser fizzled out amongst my swarm, her Magic being consumed to fuel the production of more Blasphemous Hornets while I saved up the excess for an Arcana. If Celestia hadn’t underestimated me in the first place, she would have cast Sunfyre Blaze and tried to kill both me and Hermione before either of us could do anything. In essence, she’d waited too long to cast her spell, so her attempt and subsequent success didn’t do her any favors. When the Sunfyre Blaze, one of the most legendary Grand Arcana in modern history, went off in the middle of my Courtroom, it wasn’t quite as spectacular as it could have been. The Addle Curses had done their damage to Celestia and the Inhibitant Hexes had fucked up her thought process enough to make her kind of flub the spell.

If it hadn’t been so long since Celestia had cast her spell, I might not have been able to contain it with my bug buddies, but I still had Hermione backing me up anyway. One might ask how an A-Rank Medeis slash Class Five Yokai (Out of Seven. In ascending order: Sloth, Envy, Gluttony, Lust, Pride, Greed, and Wrath) managed to subdue an Alicorn of Celestia’s standing. Anyone who knows jackshit about how insanity works on Equis might have expected me to have just killed her by then because I just didn’t want to deal with her bullshit, and for more than a couple minutes at that. I didn’t wipe the floor with her for the simple fact that while she may have been an S-Rank, I was currently a Triple-S if you just took combat ability into account. Through pretty much raw force, I beat Celestia down until I could cast my own Arcana: A special spell that I asked Mari to help with. She reluctantly agreed, so I gave her the option of copping out, no strings attached. My roomie neglected to take it, citing her lack of confidence in her magical aptitude as her reason for not wanting to do it in the first place.

For the first time since Mari and I joined bodies, I touched her of my own free will and showed her how to move her arms and make the hand gestures. She got it down pat in a few tries before we took to the real deal to cast Artificer’s Armory: Basically just a summons of every tool that’s ever passed through my hands. There were a lot, and ever since I took the time to lock the armory and engrave runes on the everything with some handy dandy help from Hermione, there were even more sharps added to the pile. Every inch of Celestia, save for a small portion of her face, was in contact with a blade or spike of some kind with hundreds of other blunt tools waiting for a whack at her.

I opened my mouth and stored my spare Hornets for later, all of them tasting a little like the orange-slice candies that you got from gas stations during road trips. They weren’t too bad, but Hermione was busy staring at me like I’d gone off the deep end, so I shot her a wink and asked, “What? Ain’t you never seen no sexy Yokai fuck bitches up?”

“Bed me,” Hermione whispered.

“Diane’s got first dibs,” I answered blithely.

I walked down the dais and stood in front of the part of Celestia that was actually visible. Kinda. “You cursed whorse,” She spat predictably. “You think you’ve won? Luna-”

“Luna will listen to reason since you apparently won’t. You’ll be given a room and,” I reached into my shoulder-length hair to pull out a familiar little ring, “something to keep me comfortable with you under my roof. Don’t think of this as an imprisonment; think of it as being taken hostage, but in the archaic sense.”

I levitated the ring onto Celestia’s horn and it started draining the rest of her Magic, which she’d been afraid to expend at the cost of getting stabbed a couple dozen times at once. With her well in check, I turned to Hermione, who’d followed me down from our thrones to see that she was giving me some serious ‘Fuck me’ looks whenever she happened to not be blinking. It was definitely nice to know that I was doing something right, but I’d rather wished that she’d give me a kiss for being awesome. Then she gave me a kiss on my temple for being crazy and I accepted what I got out of the deal.

“Good work, my sweet Carnation. It would seem that you can handle Minosia’s pride with your own two hands.” My Queen ‘complimented’.

“What, you thought I couldn’t do it before?” I scoffed.

“Yes.”

I gave her a look and smacked her ass. “Stop thinking. You’re my Trophy Queen.”

She slapped me harder, leaving an unpleasant stinging sensation on my tender booty. “You’re the cute one, so hush.”

“... You can’t be serious!” Celestia gasped, outraged. “You promised your heart to Twilight!”

“Didn’t like her that much in the first place. I was forced to accept her as a girlfriend, and even then she’s fucking weird.”

The Princess shut the fuck up after that and I escorted her to the room I wanted her to stay in, warding it heavily against just about anything, and using some of Celestia’s own magic to do it in the first place. I held onto a little bit of it just in case I needed to fake Celestia’s magical signature or something, though I somewhat doubted that it would last long when compared to my own Magic. My Mana happened to be a little on the hungry side, and Celestia’s Mana is sweet and succulent like you wouldn’t believe. Even with that being the case, I’d end up with more Mana out of it anyway, so that sounded perfectly fine to me.

With Celestia taken care of and Hermione having deported Celestia’s guards to tell the tale of what just went down, I went back to doing my thing in court until I got a very strongly worded letter from Luna that demanded the release of her sister. Me being me, I sent her back a rap about cheese and growing up in the hood before sending another missive, but this one had my terms of release on it, and the clear statement that I was making. Celestia was going to the World Court to be tried for her transgressions, and Twilight would soon follow. To put it frankly, I was giving Equestria an ultimatum that they’d never expected to have to deal with: Face up to their own bull-headed, maligned ways and accept my olive branch when it came, or face a war without two of their most powerful pieces on the board.

Damn, was I good at being Queen, or what?

☬ Fuckin’ quite, apparently. ☬

Ω Subdued Equestria by yourself. That’s pretty fucking interesting. Ω

Yeah, the next couple of weeks were crazy, my Dudes. How ‘bout we grab some refreshments and call it for now?

☬ I could use a pastry. ☬

Ω Mmm, muffins. Ω