//------------------------------// // Ponies Don’t Come With Instruction Manuals // Story: You're Getting Better // by 2Merr //------------------------------// After eating breakfast a breakfast of biscuits and even more coffee, you collapse onto the couch, your stomach feeling warm and full to bursting. You would have kept eating, but there’s only so much room in the human body.  “Boop.” Something pink pokes your nose.  You blink, your eyes refocusing on Pinkie, who is now lying on top of you. Instead of questioning how she got there without you noticing, you wrap your arms around the grinning mare. You can’t help but sigh in content as you run your fingers through her fur.  “Whatcha thinkin’ about, Nonny?” You half-shrug. “You.”  Pinkie’s face lights up. “Really?”  Okay, she didn’t think that was too weird. That’s a good sign, right?  “What about me?” she asks, her smile never wavering. “You’re soft.”  “Am I comfy?” “Very.” Pinkie lays her head on your chest, humming a happy note. You start to fiddle with her ears, but you stop when her mane suddenly beeps.  “Aw, already?” she sighs.  “What was that?” “My work alarm. I gotta go soon.” She puts a hoof to her chin and thinks for a moment. “If only there was a way to make sure you get your well-deserved cuddles while I’m at work.”  She pauses, looking meaningfully at the door.  “If only there was somepony who could cuddle Nonny for me,” she says in a louder voice.  Another long look at the door.  You start to ask what she’s doing, but she raises a hoof to stop you.  “Give her a minute,” she whispers.  As if punctuating that statement, you hear a fashionable series of knocks on the door. You would get up to answer it, but Pinkie keeps you pinned to the couch, making no effort to get up herself.  “Come in!” she calls for you.  The door opens and in walks Rarity, way earlier than you expected. She looks surprised, then smiles smugly when she sees you trapped under all the pink. “Perfect timing, Rarity!” Pinkie says, stretching a hoof towards the unicorn. “Tag out!” Rarity, still standing in the doorway, seems taken aback. “I’m sorry?” “I forgive you, now come tag out!”  What the fuck is going on. “I’m not quite sure what you mean, Pinkie darling,” Rarity says, hesitantly walking over. “I have to go to work, but I can’t leave Nonny uncuddled! Tag! Out!” Pinkie stretches her hoof out even further, waving it frantically.  A look of understanding dawns on Rarity’s face before she touches Pinkie’s hoof. You blink, and the two mares have switched places. Somehow. “Thanks, Rares! I’ll see you at lunch, Nonny,” Pinkie says, waving over her shoulder as she closes the door. The ensuing silence grows more awkward by the second as neither of you move. You clear your throat after a minute. “Rarity?”  “Yes, Anonymous?” “You gonna get up anytime soon?”  “Eventually, yes.” She rolls onto her side and stretches languidly  This fucking horse. “Why not now?” “You haven’t been sufficiently cuddled. I can’t disappoint Pinkie, after all.” “For fuck’s sake.” “Language,” Rarity tuts, lightly slapping a hoof-shaped marshmallow against your shoulder. “Now I know I said I would help you read body language to better understand how much Pinkie likes you, but I don’t even think that’s necessary.” “What? Why not?”  She glances up at you with a raised eyebrow. “You can’t be serious.” At your lack of response, she sits up and sighs deeply into her hooves. “Goodness gracious, Anonymous, you might need medical help. She was all over you!” “Yeah, that’s about par for the Pinkie. She’s very touchy-feely with pretty much everyone.” Even strangers. “But not like that!” Rarity exclaims. “Did you even look at her?”  “Ye.” “…” “What?” “I suppose we’ll have to begin with the absolute basics of body language, then,” she groans.  “Come on, I’m not an idiot,” you scoff. “Eyebrows down is mad, crying is sad, smiling is happy. Not much else to it.” Rarity stares directly into your soul for a long, uncomfortable minute. “We’re going to ignore that first sentence. Just try to pay attention, please. Notice the way Pinkie was…”  It took an eternity and a half, but you managed to meet Rarity’s “lowest standard of competence.” Kinda. You guessed your way through the part about normal blinking versus flirty blinking, but that’s useless anyway.  Right now, you are sitting in your normal booth in Sugarcube Corner, waiting for Pinkie. She’ll go on lunch break soon, giving you a short amount of time to talk with her.  According to the plan you and Rarity came up with, you need to start by steering the conversation away from parties, cooking, or plate tectonics. It sounds easy on paper, but Pinkie is a huge fan of things that can cause earthquakes.  After that, she said to wait for Pinkie to bring up the FestiFall. No, seriously. That’s what it’s called. Fucking ponies.  She said if Pinkie doesn’t bring it up, then you should. It would be the perfect “spark,” whatever that’s supposed to mean. You still don’t even know what the festival is about aside from “yay fall,” but fuck it.  You feel anxious waiting for Pinkie, but there’s no real reason to. It’s not like you’re asking her out on a date or anything. All you’re doing is having a chat and watching her reactions. If she seems interested in you (which Rarity says should be obvious), then you can start planning how to actually ask her out. If she doesn’t… Well, you’ll just have to give up and die put your nonexistent charm to work. Easy peasy.  “Lemon squeezy?” Pinkie offers, holding out a cup of what appears to be lemonade. “It’s on the house!” Holy hell, that’s like the third time she’s teleported today. Her black magic is growing stronger.  You take the drink with a cautious hand, reminding yourself that The Pink One has only ever used her powers for good (as far as you know). Surprisingly, instead of hopping onto your lap like she normally does, Pinkie slides into the seat across from you. The orange stallion shows up to take your order, then leaves the two of you alone.  You have to initiate the conversation. But what to talk about?  “Talk about her hobbies,” your inner voice says. But how am I supposed to do that without getting into parties?  “Just do it, faggot.” Fine, geez. What an ass.  “So, uh,” you rocket out the gate with the confidence of a crippled rabbit in a dog race. No parties, no cooking. What else could she like? “...music.” Pinkie’s ears perk up. “What about it?” “...You like jazz?” Move the fuck over, Romeo. “Jazz Berry? She’s good, I guess. I’m not a huge fan, but I do like how her voice does that shaky thing on the long notes. It sounds nice.” If you were a little bitch boy, you would know that shaky thing is called vibrato. But you’re not a little bitch boy. You’re a medium bitch boy. “I didn’t know you liked opera, Nonny,” she says with a skeptical look. God, no. “I actually meant jazz music.”  “Meh.”  Your brain takes a second to process that before you burst out laughing. Hearing such a blunt reply come from Pinkie of all ponies, it’s just too much to handle.   “What?” Pinkie grins ear to ear and almost starts laughing along with you. “What’s so funny? What’d I do?” As your laughter subsides, the orange stallion returns with two plates of food. You both start snacking while she tells you about all the good pony music, which is just like human music, but with hooves.  Every now and then, you see her glance at the opposite side of the room with an odd expression. You try to follow her gaze, but you can’t pinpoint exactly what she’s looking at. You mostly see a bunch of random ponies at different tables. The only one you recognize is Scootaloo, who is sitting alone, oddly enough. You try to wave at her, but she’s very intently staring into the void. You’ve been there. “That reminds me!” Pinkie grabs your attention. She looks nervous for some reason. “There’s uh… a thing. Coming up. A festival thing. Do you wanna go? W-with me?” There it is. White was right again. How Rarity knew Pinkie would bring it up is beyond you, but don’t punch a gimp horse in the mouth, as they say. “Yeah, sure,” you shrug. Woah now, contain your enthusiasm. You don’t want to look too eager. Pinkie blinks, her smile growing. “You’ll go?”  God, she’s adorable. Wait, was that a normal blink or a flirty blink? Fucking Rarity, why didn’t she teach you any of this?  “Nonny? What are you staring at? Is there flour on my face?” Great, now you look like a creep. “No, I-“  “Speaking of flour, there was this one time the girls I went to-” God dammit, there she goes. So much for controlling the conversation. At least try to force it back to the festival so you can find out what it even is.  “-and then AJ had to call the cops because-“ “Wait, wait, hold up,” you butt in like a gentleman. “What was that festival thing about?”  “Oh! Right.” Pinkie sheepishly smiles and glances across the room again. “The FestiFall is in a couple days. It’s this big festival just outside of Ponyville after the Running of the Leaves.” “...The leaves can run?” “No, silly! The ponies run to make the leaves fall.” You’re not even going to ask how that works. “Anyway,” she continues. “There’s gonna be dancing and contests and prizes and dancing and music and dancing and food and all sorts of stuff!”  Guess she likes dancing. “Sounds fun.”  “It’s super fun!” Pinkie puffs out her chest and smirks. “And I’m kind of in charge of planning the whole thing this year.”  “Really?” you ask, impressed. “The whole thing?” She nods firmly. “Well, now I know it’s gonna be fun.” She giggles, blushing at the praise she rightly deserves. “Oh, stop it.” “Seriously, I can't think of anything we’ve done together that you haven’t made enjoyable in some way.”  Pinkie’s blush goes from a dusting of pale red on her cheeks to a deep scarlet spreading across her entire face.  “Oh,” she whispers. “I- I- I really enjoy being with you too, Anon.” She looks like she’s about to say more, but her mane suddenly beeps. “OhlookatthetimewelpbacktoworkbyeNonny!” she practically yells as she sprints back into the kitchen.  You’re a little stunned by her sudden departure, but you feel really good about what just happened. As you exit Sugarcube Corner, an unfamiliar mare wearing giant sunglasses and a sunhat trots out after you. “That was splendid, Anonymous!,” she exclaims. “I couldn’t hear very much, but I could see, and what I saw was just-“ She pretends to faint. “Oh, Celestia, it’s better than my books. It’s like a drug! I need more!” “...Do I know you?” you ask. The mare freezes in place and turns her head to face you. You can’t read her expression behind the sunglasses, but it still makes you uncomfortable.  “Okay. I’m just gonna go now,” you say as you bravely step back from the odd pony. When you’re at a safe distance, you turn around and power walk away. Not five seconds later, you hear hoofsteps behind you.  “Anonymous,” Rarity says as she trots beside you. She’s wearing a sunhat that you’ve never seen on her before. You breathe a sigh of relief and slow your pace. “Oh thank god it’s you, Rarity. I thought you were someone else. There was this weird lady back there talking about drugs and stuff. It was scary.”  “Pinkie really doesn’t care much for brains, does she?” she mutters under her breath. “Well? How do you feel now?” “About what?” “Pinkie’s body language? She was oozing affection. How could you not have noticed?” “Oh.” “What do you mean ‘oh’?” “I kinda stopped paying attention to that halfway through,” you admit. Rarity takes a deep breath and holds it long enough for you to start getting worried before she lets it out in an explosive sigh. “Okay, that’s fine. Then what did you see in the first half?” “Uh… she blinked.” “Was it a normal blink or a flirty blink?” “...I don’t know.”  “How could you not know? I taught you this very thing less than two hours ago!”  “Then you tell me which one it was!” “I wasn’t the one supposed to be watching for these things!” “You said you could see us!” “I was watching the whole scene, not the pieces!” “What does that even mean?!” By this point, you’re both yelling in the middle of the road. Ponies are giving you odd looks, but none of them seem worried. Maybe yelling at Rarity is a normal thing in Ponyville.  Instead of taking her turn to yell, Rarity sighs and grabs your arm with magic. “We’ll finish this at your house.” “Why mine?” you whine menacingly. “Yours is closer.” “I don’t want my dresses to get bleached by your absurdly basic mind.” “Yeah, well at least I’m not stupid,” you mutter.  Rarity simply groans.  “See? I knew Pinkie couldn’t resist talking about FestiFall. And you say she asked you to go with her?” You nod for the hundredth time as Rarity continues gushing.  “That sounds like it would be perfect as a first date!”  “Woah, I’m gonna stop you right there,” you quickly say. “It’s not a date.” “Of course not yet,” Rarity rolls her eyes and starts pacing in front of your couch. “But think about it! The colorful leaves, the music, the dancing, and at the end of it all…” She lays a hoof across her forehead and sighs dramatically. “A confession of love under the light of the sunset!”  “Aren’t you-“ “It can’t be that simple, of course. You need the next few days to butter her up, so to say. Buy her gifts and chocolates and such, maybe win her a prize at the festival if you can beat those ridiculous games. Oh! Maybe you can sing her a ballad!” “You need help, lady.”  “I need you to woo her!” Rarity turns to you with an expression that borders on manic. “It’s love, don’t you understand?! There is a process, Anonymous! Seduction comes before the confession!” “I couldn’t seduce a blind succubus. Why can’t I just dance around the topic for thirty minutes until she catches on and says it for me?” “There is a process!” knock click “Nonny~” Pinkie sings. “I’m back! Oh, Rarity! Were you hanging out with Nonny all day?” Wow, is it four already? You’ve been listening to Rarity talk at you for over three hours. And you can’t remember any of it. You’re impressed with yourself.  “Er, yes,” Rarity says slowly. “We were... talking about my new seasonal lineup!” “Oooh,” Pinkie throws you a look of sympathy. “Too bad I missed that, haha.”  Rarity, as socially oblivious as ever, flips her mane and smiles. “Yes, I was just telling him about how I’m going to experiment with the stitching in-“ “Oh shoot, Rarity, I’m sorry to cut you off, but I need to wash all this flour off of me. I guess you have to go, bye.” Pinkie gently guides Rarity out the door. There’s no flour on her. Rarity locks eyes with you and raises her eyebrows twice with a knowing smirk. The door closes, leaving you and Pinkie alone.  Pinkie takes a deep breath, puffing her cheeks out as she releases it. She turns to you and smiles awkwardly. “I guess I need to, uh... wash all this flour off, hehe. Can I use your shower?”  “Oh. Yeah, of course.”  “Thanks, Nonny,” she skips over to you and leans on the couch to plant a light kiss on your cheek.  Without saying anything else, she walks straight to the bathroom and turns on the shower. Over the sound of the running water, you can just hear Pinkie humming a happy song.