//------------------------------// // Chapter 5: The Guy Guru // Story: Anon II: The Second Part // by 23 KM To Nerdiness //------------------------------// "nOw An0nymoUz, eVery cre4tuRe kn0ws co○lneSs iz k€y." "How do you know?" "FoR I aM-" A snap of an eagle talon later, Discord poses with a red Hawaiian shirt jacket, skinny jeans and a pair of slim sunglasses. "tHe GuY GuRu! My meTh0ds neVer fail." "Heh, yeah ri-MMMH!!!" Spike's cut off as a zipper slams his mouth shut. "NoW, Let'S st4rt w1th the baSiks: ThE W4LK." The draconequus snaps a fashion runway on the farm with posters of the crazy spirit strutting his stuff. Soon, you're poofed onstage with all the spotlights shining upon you. "N*w...w0rK 1t!" You walk down the platform, back hunched over, eyes fidgeting and constantly tripping over yourself. The worst 15 seconds of your life. "H-How was that?" "SwEet Cel3st1a, yoU lo0k liKe a tuRtLe,s bEen sh0veD dn yoUr-" "AS fine as a confident walk is, I think we should focus on something more...important, right Guy Guru?" Spike inserts. "YoU'rE r18ht. We nEed to pr4ct!ce wiTh a R3AL m4re." "Yeah, that seems like the bet mo- Wait, what?" Before you could blink, you're all chaotically teleported to the center of Ponyville where everypony's minding their normal day and going about their normal lives. Unlike you right now... "Already putting me in the playing field? I'm not ready yet." "TrUst m3, it'LL al1 m4ke senSe. I kn0w tHe P3RFEKT maRe t0 st4rt w!th." "Are you sure about this?" "Eenope." Big Mac says. "Good to know..." "Always remember to eat green gems." Spike states. "Keeps your breath nice and minty." "I d0n't th1nK d4tiNg is ur th!ng, Sp/kE." "Plus, you're a KID." you state. "You're not old enough to be giving ME advice." "Ah, yeah that's a good point. Buck me, right?" As the four of you continue on, Discord turns a corner only to frantically force you all back. "PeRfecT!" he whispers looking back. Spike and Mac peer around the wall. "Oh, that's a perfect start, bro." "Eeyup." "Who is it?" You look around the corner... "NO!" you yell. "Fir5t stEp: f4ce ur feArz." [That's as backwards as going down on a handicapped girl!] "Naw, I'm good. I'm just gonna go and-" Suddenly, you're lifted off the ground and dropped onto a nearby bench. [This is what I get for being a pussy!] Then, you feel something rub up against your arm. "Hi there, Anon!" "Heyyyyyyy Lyra, how's it going?" you cringe. "I'm just doing a little writing, that's all." she states. The unicorn levitates the book eye-level to you. [Diary of a HANDy Hyewmun, huh? This is.....MOST non-nonheinous.] You flip through a few pages noticing the countless pictures of you and your hands with endless cringy hand puns. "That....t-that's cool. You have a very good.......EYE for certain things." "Aww, thank you Anon." she giggles playfully bumping you. [Bad touch, BAD TOUCH!!! I'M NOT YOUR HYEWMUN!!!] You look back towards the three who give you a reassuring nod, although the UNEASY expressions on their faces says otherwise. "I was going to paint a nice portrait of them, but you started to wake up." "That's nice....wait, WHAT?" "Nothing, silly." [If ya wanna end yourself, clap your hands...] Lyra's hoof idly rubs up against your leg. The sound of two claps echo in your mind. "Abort dude. ABORT!!!" Spike hisses. "Hey, look what I got." You reach into your pocket and show the creepy mare a pair of gloves. She stares in awe as you wave them side to side, rocking along with it as you do so. "You want it girl, ya want it?" "Me wants it!" "Then goooo GET it!" "YES!" Lyra dives for the gloves the MINUTE it hits the soil, crazily rubbing the poor things all over her face, crazily rolling on the ground, and crazily laughing. Just all around CRAZY. And you needed to get away from it. You manage to utter a 'Run' to the guys as you turn the corner and take off down the street. "Bro, why are you running?" Spike calls out. "SHE CAN PICK UP YOUR SCENT!" It wasn't too long before Discord swoops you into his grasp with the others and teleport you all back to Sweet Apple Acres. As you all settle down, you fall to the ground shaking in the fetal position. "PhEw, I w0uld,nt w1sh @ll th4t on mY w0r5t enEmy." "I thought you were just exaggerating!" Spike huffs. "E-Eeyup." "It's okay bud, it's alright. We'll try something else." Spike whispers, rubbing your back. "I feel s-so......so UNCLEAN." "NeXt stEp: Th€ gr0ove!" "Oh, I'll ace this one. I ALWAYS got the groove." You kick into a breakdancing session comprised of moonwalks, the robot and the worm, with a side order of freestyling. If only you could see yourself reenacting a seizure. "Anon....what was that?" Spike asks in disbelief. "What? It's just a little bit of me bein' me." "No bro, that's you bein' alot of something you don't need to ever be again." "Aw come on bro, don't ha-AUGH!!!" Out of nowhere, Discord gives you a devastating left hook to the jaw with a red boxing glove. "Augh! What was that for?!" Suddenly, you notice two blue, puffy gloves clamped to your hands as you find yourself standing in a wrestling ring where Discord strips out of his skin into a bunch of boxing gear, shaggy Rocky hair and all. "StEp f0ur: THe p1ckUp l!ne$." "W-Wait, wha?" *SMACK* "UGH, MY SCAPULA!!!" "GiMme ur Be$t liN€, 4non¥m0us!" "U-Umm......I like your.......cutie mark?" *SMACK* "TrY ag@1n!" You struggle to lift the heavy gloves, to no avail as you try to think of a good line. "Ugh, I-I...wanna come inside?" *SMACK* "Wr0nG!" "I-Is that a rock in your pouch or are you just happy to see me?" *SMACK* "Dat flank THICC, tho!" *SMACK* "Wassup, buttercup!" *SMACK* "At night, I think of yooooooou!" *SMACK* "Granny Smith, I sure do love your pie!" you groan as your legs give out and you collapse to the ground. Your dragon bro rushes to your side and hovers over you. "Bro. Guess what?" he asks. "Ughhhhhh.......huh?" "YOU GOT KNOCKED THE BUCK OUT, MAN!" "PoSit1vely h0peleSs." Discord sighs. Eventually, the sound of crunching opens your heavy eyes. "That was EPIC! Do it again!" a shrill voice cheers. You turn to see an excited Scootaloo on the edge of her seat, eagerly watching you and gobbling away at a large bag of popcorn with the other Crusaders. "Girls.........what doing you here are?" you slur. "Enjoying the show." the rowdy pegasus chuckles. "What are you guys up to, exactly?" "Reshaping Anon's confidence." Spike states. "He's trying to impress Starlight." [Just SHOUT out my sperm count to the world why don't ya?!] "Now wait a sec," AppleBloom says. "You have a crush on Starlight?" "Well, I wouldn't say THAT but-" Suddenly, the three fillies jump with joy before skipping around your blushing and bruised body, squealing and chanting 'Nonny's gotta marefriend'. "Can you three keep it down?!" you hiss. "Ah HA, gotcha green red-handed Anon!" Sweetie Belle exclaims. "You know it's true if you're TRYING to keep it a secret." [....damn.] "S-So what if I do? I'm not that cool." "Not with THAT attitude, you're not!" Scootaloo scoffs. "Yea, that's hay feathers! There's definitely a better way 'round this." "Like what, exactly?" A huge smile slowly forms across the southern filly's face. [Oh shit....] Soon, the rest of the Crusaders have devilish grins. [Please don't...] "Ya know what ah'm thinkin', Crusaders?" [No...] "How 'bout-" "We give him-" [DON'T SAY IT!!!] "A MAKEOVER!!!" they yell. "To Tartarus with that!" You turn and take off only to be tripped over and snatched back by a sly draconequus's tail. "A m4ke0veR d()eS soUnd fe4sib1e." His tail stretches around and ties you up before turning into rope. "No! You can't do this! Spike?!" "Sorry, dude. See ya on the other side." "Big Mac?!" The stallion shrugs and gives you a face that could be translated to: 'Godspeed, man'. "HELP! !em ewo uoy ,nataS" Back at the school... *KNOCK KNOCK* "Come in!" "Hey, Star." "Oh hi Anon, how's your day goi- SWEET CELESTIA!" "Yeah, I know....." "What HAPPENED to you?" "A little quiz: three crusaders + one human × a makeup kit - SANE draconequus magic = what?" "A living Ponecasso painting." she chuckles. You frown and drop on the couch. "Do I even WANT to know why?" "Probably not. Long story short, I was just trying to look cool." "Anon, you're already cool. You're kind, funny, you certainly know how to cut a rug." [HA, SUCK IT GUYS!!!] "Just be yourself, Anon." she says warmly. "EEYUP!" a deep voice echoed. "What was that?" "Uh- *cough*- that was me. *cough cough* I think I swallowed a hair bow." The unicorn bursts into laughter as she nestles up on your arm. "Never change, pal." A miniscule Discord pops up on your shoulder, gives you a brief thumbs up and poofs out. "Don't plan to."