Hearth's Warming Eve, the time of togetherness.
A time when ponies would flee from Pinkie's holiday eagerness.
Unlike your home on Earth, this place's actually decent
Not relying only on gifts and useless presents most recent.
In the castle of Twilight Sparkle, where you, Anonymous, reside
Are peacefully slumbering at the comfort of your bedside.
Everything was perfect, not a doubt about that
Oh wait I jinxed it, the egghead pops up in no time flat.
"Wake up, Anon! It's Hearth's Warming eve!"
"I know that Twi, but I'm tired. Can you PLEASE leave?"
The hyped brainiac begins poking you, you hated it from the start
But she wouldn't relent til you quit being an old fart.
"Come on Anon, don't be so hasty!"
You weren't, to be honest you were just lazy.
A huff, a grunt and a rock outta bed,
the look on the alicorn's face demolished your dread.
You couldn't say no to those anime eyes, be sinful to
Despite the fact these horses are cheerier than a Who.
Not wanting to be 'that guy', you get up to dress
A pony's Christmas is something you would witness.
With your player and an unquenchable thirst for beer
You head into town to spread some 'hyewmun' holiday cheer.
You stroll out of castle, playing songs down the street
As the morning ponies give you a casual morning greet.
They went all OUT this year, something great to behold
You'd enjoy it better if you weren't so goddamned cold!
Everypony's working together to bring this event together
Which is pretty impressive, given this severe type of weather.
Even the Cakes are making a festive holiday brew
'Figgy Eggnog' they called it, didn't that make you say 'ew'.
But alas, these ponies practically LIVE off of things sweet
Don't believe me, EVERY house is gingerbread on this street!
Then, you get a feeling that you seriously hate to know
As the fluffy pink menace tackles you in the snow.
"Hiya Nonny!" she squeaks, wearing a sweater most charming
"Who're you giving a gift to this Hearth's Warming?
Yah! I rhymed, but I really don't know why
But THAT'S how ya do it Mr. Narrator Guy!"
"Ponko, the gifts I give are nothing to flaunt
Heck, I doubt they'd be something ANYONE would want."
"Not even a certain unicorn?" she utters quite slyly
"Who tends to get from you a big 'ol smiley?"
You stutter and stumble and try to hide your blush
But managed to utter a dismissive "Hush!"
"Just a suggestion Nonny, we both know it's true
Who knows, maybe she's got a gift just for you."
Before you could react, she hopped off at top speed
To possibly look for weird shit she doesn't need.
But what if she was right, what if she was wrong
What if she's trying to get a rise outta your magnum dong.
You couldn't leave your pal giftless, it's just not right
You grab your player and ran with all your might.
But then you pause in your tracks with a sudden realization:
"WHAT SHOULD I GET HER?!" you exclaim like you're suffering a castration.
It then hits you for what could be the perfect gift
As you sprint out of town in a motion most swift.
You arrive at an open field covered hoof deep in snow
As you search for materials, nopony in the know.
Finally, you find enough and get straight to work
Whittling on twigs with a dull fork.
Yes, it was difficult to make, but you wouldn't relent
For nothing was better than a homemade present.
Soon, the sound of crunching in the snow alerts your ears
As a group of foals approach you with devilish sneers.
Judging by the balls of snow in their hooves, you were in for it
Like that cat and mouse show but without all the wit.
Suddenly, every filly and colt in town jumped out from behind
Their expressions proved they weren't here to be kind.
Led by the Crusaders, the children were locked and loaded
Bitter over the countless times of them you have goaded.
You pack up your stuff and flex a muscle
For you knew you were in for a tussle.
As they prepare to strike with much anticipation
You pull out your player to counter this confrontation.
"WAIT!" you yell, stopping those you have pissed.
"Before you attack, I have one thing to say-"
"Get 'em!" AppleBloom barks and the cavalry starts chucking
As you put on your headphones, effortlessly ducking.
Most of them were TERRIBLE throws to be honest
Like Snips, who accidentally hits Pip in the chest.
It was a war zone of immense proportions
That's a lie, it's harder to watch than live abortions.
Twist slips on ice, Snails' tongue is on a pole
It went from foal-on-human to foal-on-foal.
"Not so fast, Anon!" Scootaloo hisses with a ball
"With my army, I'll ice you once and for all!"
"Not now Scoots, I can't let the plot thicken
It's not my fault you DO resemble a chicken."
Her adowable fury gets the very best of her
When she chucks a snowball you return to sender.
It's all fun and games til somepony gets hurt or worse
In this case, your bestie Starlight, who's ready to curse.
A snowball from the war had struck the poor mare
Who slowly turns to you all with a venomous stare.
The children scatter, leaving you to your fate
As the unicorn's face changes into one filled with hate.
You tried to explain the situation, with little success
"Sorry pal, frostbite for a frostbite." she ominously says.
A clump of snow in her magic aims at you
One thing came to mind:
"Well...I'm screw-"
*THWHACK*
A snowball goes straight 'KAPOOYAH' to your face
Where it sends you to the ground in a freezing daze.
"I yield. I YIELD!" you squealed, cowering in defeat
The unicorn hums in triumph as she helps you to your feet.
"Well, that hurt." you manage to huff through
"I know Anon, I just like to mess with you."
You roll your eyes as you reach for your sack
No, not THAT one, the one on your back!
Making sure your things didn't get busted
Forgetting your paranoid mind's not to be trusted.
"What's in the bag?" Starlight asks, curiosity piqued.
"F-Firewood for the fireplace." you nervously squeaked.
"Doing anything for Hearth's Warming? It is your first one here."
"Eh, I'm normally free this time of the year."
There you two stood, awkwardly staring
Until you decide to get back to preparing.
"So....I guess I'll see you later?"
"Yeah, sure. Hope your experience's something greater."
With that, Starlight trots off, leaving you be
If you didn't know any better, she seemed a bit lonely.
You hated seeing somepony like that, especially her
So you head to the castle with all the creativity you could muster.
You're not giving up on the mare, not by a long shot
So you spent the night giving your creation everything you got.
Treating the thing with much care like a nurse
You were like the bucking Grinch but in complete reverse.
Locked in your room, you work your crafty magic
Not caring who came, even Pony Saint Nick.
"Buck you Santa Hooves!" you bark in defiance.
"I'll shove coal so far up your stocking you'll be coughing up diamonds!"
The next morning was the very special day
Hearth's Warming is here and you're sleeping away.
Suddenly, a series of loud KNOCKS disturbs your peaceful slumber
Your dragon bro who's close to damaging the doors lumber.
"Wake up Anon! It's Hearth's Warming Day!"
"I'm tired bro, can you please go a- Wait a hay!"
You frantically wobble around, to wrap up your present
"I-I'm coming bro! Just let me put on something decent!"
Some crashing and thrashing later, you finally get dressed
Looking like you've been extremely distressed.
You open the door for your hyped dragon bro
"Come on dude, presents need unwrapping, let's go!"
Downstairs, Spike flaps into the foyer full of glee
Booking it for the bulky presents under a magnificent tree.
Speaking of 'book', a giddy Twilight trots up to you
With a book-shaped gift wrapped in a book-themed paper too.
"Happy Hearth's Warming, Anon!" she squees in delight
"It may not be Guardians, but you'll like alright."
You open the gift with all the time it took
Surprise surprise, it's another mother bucking book.
'Commanders of the Cosmos' the cover did read
About the wacky adventures of a fox and a talking weed.
"Thank you Twi, I appreciate the literature
But have you seen Starlight? I have a present for her."
"She's in her room," she states matter of factly
"But I wouldn't go up there, she's acting kinda erratically."
A minor setback, although your mind panics
There's time to surprise her, despite the antics.
But you have to get her alone for this special occasion
Pray without an interruption to squander your anticipation.
As you go to prepare, there's a low knock at the door
Twily flutters over to greet the girls with gifts and more.
It was too late for you to try and sneak away
For these persistent mares would MAKE sure you stay.
"HEY NONNY," Pinkie shouts. "ARE YOU READY TO SMILE?!?!"
Actually...yeah, you thought this was gonna take awhile.
That evening, you gave out in your dining room chair
After feasting on festive treats by that pink psycho mare.
She really outdid herself with this wonderful spread
But all that sugar's got you wanting to head for bed.
On your way out, you bump into your pony pal
Who looked like she'd been tussling in a corral.
She was a total mess, mane disheveled and wild
Her eyes were bloodshot like she's dealt with a child.
"Oh, hey Anon. Happy Hearth's Warming to you!"
It was also clear that she didn't brush her teeth too.
"Are you okay, pal?" you ask full of worry. "You look like you're in DESPERATE need for a McFlurry."
"I'm fine, Anon," she says. "I am perfectly fine.
I just underslept and completely lost track of time."
"Come on Star, you think you're as slick as silk."
Bullshit! You knew well this pony KNEE SUM MILK!
"Fine, I stayed up making this." she states pulling out a box
It was wrapped in green paper and topped with blue knots.
"Is that for me?" you asked in shock and glee.
"No, it's for Derpy. Of COURSE it's for you, silly!"
This kind mare's gesture has turned your heart to goo
"Let's go," you say. "I've got something too."
You guide her to the library for the big surprise
While shielding the present from her curious eyes.
"I too have a gift for you. I hope you'll like it."
You say covering your arm, hoping she won't strike it.
"It too took me all night to make this for you
I wouldn't say it's my BEST work but I tried for you."
She tears away the wrapping in her magical grip
And pulls off the box's lid as quick as a whip.
She stops with a gasp when she opened the box
And pulls out a kite made of leaves, twigs and rocks.
It wasn't the worst thing ever but it wasn't great either
Your reserve of confidence dissolves by the look of her.
Brace yourself dude, it'll soon pass
For this unicorn mare's about to kick our-
"I love it!" she exclaims, giving the kite a bounce
"It's truly the thought that really counts."
Huh....well that was totally unexpected
Twas true, not a shred of anger on her face was detected.
"You went above and beyond to make me this.
Only a true friend would show this much kindness."
She pulls you into a hug, tight and full of care
Before magically waving your gift in the air.
"Your turn!" she squeaks in absolute excitement
Twas clear that her spirits had indeed brightened.
With a satisfying rip, you unwrap your prize
Unlike Pinkie's parties, this one caught you by surprise.
You were close to covering the room in tearful floods
There, inside the package was a set of brand new ear buds.
"Now we can listen to music together." she says, making you feel as light as a feather.
"How did you make this?" you ask in disbelief.
"Vinyl lended a hoof in it, we kept it brief."
Never have you gotten a gift THIS good
You scratch behind your pal's ear like any friend would.
She leans into your chest, purring as she lays down
Until her eyes widen like she saw Pennywise the clown.
Your heart dropped upon seeing the symbol
That horrible decoration's left you weak and nimble.
It's the one decoration you could live without this holiday
A stray mistletoe on the ceiling, dangling away.
By the time you looked back, you're greeted with a smile
From the unicorn mare whose thoughts were wild.
"Anooooooon." she says in a singsong tone.
"Whaaaaaat?" you respond, afraid for your bone.
Soon, she inches closer, eyes full of desire
That was your cue to call it a night and retire.
"Well, it was fun, thanks for the wonderful gift.
But I have to-"
She pulls you in her magic most swift.
You're right NEXT to Starlight, the biggest grin on her face
You love this mare but even YOU need some bucking space!
You scoot to the left, trying hard to be nice
She scoots over too but WAY more than twice.
"Come on, Anon. You know you can't deny it."
You know you can't outrun her, but you'll sure as hell try it.
However, you're stuffed tummy prevented your daring escape
It's all come down to this, a pony frenching an ape.
She climbs up eye-level with your uncomfortable face
And a peck on the cheek has your heartbeat up the pace.
And what happen then? Well in Ponyville they say
That you're pal's affection grew THREE sizes that day.
"Happy Hearth's Warming, Anon." she chuckles in delight.
You pull her into a hug with a "Happy Hearth's Warming, Starlight."
So, you two listened with the new ear buds that day
Friendship as wide as a one horse open sleigh.
But until the day you have to fly that dreadful kite
Happy Hearth's Warming to all and to all a good night.
Yep, a human has a tender moment with his pony friend
Not much left to tell you all, except-
THE END
Goodnight everypony!