Jack's house was a mess, to say the least, but somehow still luxurious.
He clearly had no ambition to clean up the stray jars that littered every flat surface, but other than that, the place was practically spotless.
Gilda set down her small pack next to the plush couch and sank into it with a sigh as she looked around. Jack walked past her to a simple, but well stocked kitchen on the far wall. She took note of the high quality floors, caged in lights, and some of the bizarre trinkets hanging on the walls. There looked to be a framed, broken, over-sized red bass guitar (way too big for Jack at least) in a shadowy corner alongside what looked to be a hoof-drawn map of some country Gilda didn't recognize. In a glass case beside the door she had just entered, a small bottle labeled "IN CASE OF EMERGENCY" sat under a small light, giving it an ominous look. On another wall, a few swords, axes, a spear or two, one gigantic silver axe, and a lot of empty weapon pegs covered any available space. Across from the couch, a cabinet of some sort dominated most of the wall, with a large empty space in the middle of it that Gilda couldn't help but notice. The room seemed to revolve around the cabinet as a focal point so it looked rather incomplete.
"Yo Jack?"
"Ya?"
"What's with that empty space in the cabinet?"
Jack smirked at the spot before going back to whatever he was cooking.
"Technically speaking, it hasn't been invented yet."
Taking his vague answer as dodging the question, and seeing as he had offered her somewhere to crash free of charge, Gilda didn't push it. She did, however, snap her head back to him when she caught a whiff of a familiar smell she had missed. She jumped up, sniffing the air eagerly and stalking towards Jack's turned back. She peeked over his shoulder and suppressed the urge to squeal like a hatchling.
"You eat FISH!?"
He didn't bother looking at her this time, but chuckled like he could sense her bouncing in place.
"I made a two-ton piece of metal on wheels faster 'n most pegasi, drink hard liquor like it's water, and loathe ponykind, but the omnivore thing surprises you?"
Gilda blinked and chuckled sheepishly.
"It's rarer than you think in deep Equestria. It's way more common near Griffonstone, but it's practically like cannibalism here. Everyfeather's so into being "friends" with nature, but come on it's nature! I'm not wiping out a forest by eating one squirrel!"
Jack snorted and flipped the sizzling meat like a pancake before turning to her with a smirk.
"Sounds like a certain ex-bestie got on yer case. Tell ye what, since you'll figure it out eventually, I'll feed ya all the meat I can muster as long as you don't tell Miss Sun Bitch that I'm committing genocide on all Timberwolves. Animal rights n' all that are focking tight 'ere."
Gilda laughed and raised an eyebrow.
"... Do you just have like... a hitlist for certain races or something?"
"It's called a shitlist, dearie... And noooo of course not. Yet."
==============================================================================================
Gilda groaned and rolled over and off the couch, eliciting another groan as she hit the floor. She inched her way across the floor towards the kitchen and boosted herself to her paws on the wall. She blinked sleepily and stared at the empty coffee pot on the counter. She turned and called across the one-floor cabin.
“Jaaaack. Jaaack~”
She waited and listened but only heard a deep rumbling snore from beyond the multi-deadbolted thick wood door that housed Jack’s room.
She growled and stomped over to the door before sucking in a huge breath and slamming her talon on the door.
*BANG!BANG!BANG!*
“WAKE THE BUCK UP JACK!!”
“FUCK!”
*THUD!*
Gilda smirked and walked back to the kitchen as the locks were released in a rush and the door was ripped open.
“THE FOCK YOU WANT GRIFFIN!? YOU BETTER HAVE A PRETTY DAMN GOOD REASON!”
Gilda turned back to the furious stallion with a charming, dainty smile and responded in turn.
“I WANT SOME FAUST-DAMNED COFFEE BUT I CANT WORK YOUR BUCKING COFFEE MACHINE!”
Jack held the glare for a moment longer before dropping it and shrugging.
“That’s a pretty damn good reason...”
Jack closed his door and knocked twice, locking the door with some hidden apparatus as Gilda looked on in victory. She was genuinely curious what he hid in there, but he banned her from even touching the door on the first day.
Jack had only three rules:
1. Do not touch or attempt to bargain with anything that glows or talks when it does not normally do so. You will likely regret it instantly and/or become possessed/soulless/without a core motor function.
2. Feel free to become drunk. However, hangovers are not Jack's problem. If you drink all of the booze, you are fucked.
3. Do not enter Jack Marley’s room under any circumstances. Depending on intent, punishment is dealt within the range of "punch to the face" and "death by violent removal of genitalia."
Suffice to say, Gilda favored her nether regions attached to her. She switched her gaze from the alluring door back to see Jack deftly filling the coffee pot with one hoof while flicking buttons and adding fresh coffee grounds to the maker with another. It would have been less startling with a griffin, or another of the species on Equss with actual digits instead of hooves, but every move Jack made, from standing on his back legs at all times, to handling tools just reminded Gilda that Jack was far from average.
She shook off her musings as the pot slowly began to fill and Jack cast a glance back at her.
"So," he got her attention, "What do griffins do all day while their generous host works his arse off?"
"You have a job?" Gilda asked in surprise, "I was wondering pretty much the same thing."
Jack stared at her for a moment before sighing and walking to a big plaque on the wall that definitely hadn't been there a moment before.
Gilda came closer and read it aloud.
"Patent for the design of... THE STEAM-POWERED TRAIN!?"
==============================================================================================
Gilda woke up to the smell of smoke, not for the first time in her strange lodgings. She sat up and stretched before glancing over to the kitchen.
Jack sat at the table, calmly staring into what seemed to be a burning bowl of cereal.
Gilda got up and grabbed the offered mug of life that Jack held out to her and joined his staring.
"How did this-" she gestured to the burning mess in the bowl, "y'know, catch on fire?"
Jack took a long swig from his own, plus sized mug of black liquid, and answered like nothing was amiss.
"No idea. Could be cursed. Same thing happened when I tried to make salad."
Gilda blinked in confusion. She had been bumming it on Jack's couch and food for probably about three weeks now, and she had never seen or heard of a trace of salad in Jack's presence. He was practically a carnivore.
"When have you made salad?"
"Exactly."
They sat there for awhile in silence, staring until the cereal turned to ash and Jack finished his coffee. He set the mug down down gently.
"Fuck this."
He got up quickly and seized the giant silver axe, easily twice his height, from the wall of weapons. Gilda raised an amused eyebrow and chuckled as he lifted it casually with one hoof.
"Going somewhere?"
"I'll be back before nightfall. If you hear any vicious sounds of flesh rending and screaming from the pit, don't worry about it, yur imaginin' tings."
Gilda merely shrugged and continued to drink her coffee.
...
Drip... Drip...
Gilda stirred from her sleep and opened her eyes only to stifle a yelp a moment later.
A massive grotesque creature stood over her, claws raised and a toothy maw ready to tear her apart, but standing ominously still. A moment later, it began turning to ash, revealing a familiar gleaming axe protruding from where it's head was just a moment before.
She quickly squinted her eyes as her cover disintegrated, revealing a tired and bleeding Jack standing behind it. He had been struck over the head, and a thin line of blood ran from his mane, over a closed right eye, and fell down to the floor.
Drip... Drip...
The open door behind him creaked a bit in the wind, and he soon turned, limping over and closing it with a sigh. He glanced at her and she closed her eyes completely, looking all to the world like she was in a deep sleep. She heard Jack limp across the room, pause by her for a moment, and continue over to his wall of weapons to return the axe. A moment later, his door opened and closed softly.
Gilda opened her eyes a crack only to let out an actual shriek as Jack sat directly in front of her with a patient gaze. He waited silently until she calmed herself a bit before speaking.
"So. I'm sure you've got questions."
Gilda gawked before scowling at him.
"How in Tartarus did you know I was awake?"
Jack blinked in surprise and chuckled.
"You surprise me again, Gilda. Always asking the unexpected." He leaned forward and smiled deviously. "You think a bit differently than others. You could 'ave screamed back then, but yer urge to fight instead- oh! That surprised me. Your talons tensed instantly, but not a whisper left your mouth. By extension, your breathing stopped as well. That's what tipped me off."
Gilda sat up and leaned back against the couch, inviting him into the empty space. He accepted the offer and sat beside her.
"Your ears must be really sensitive then."
"Better 'en most."
Gilda screwed up her face at the cryptic answer.
"So... what was that thing?"
The smile dropped a bit, revealing some mild irritation on Jack's part.
"Demon, Fifth tier. Came to kill me, got a whiff of you and dropped by for a snack. Sorry about that by the way, I did ward this place before I left, but this guy was a tad bigger than I was expecting."
Gilda glanced down to the pile of ash on the ground.
"Guy? I'm surprised you aren't calling him a bastard or something worse."
Jack was silent again. It took him a minute to come up with an answer.
"You're taking this remarkably well..."
"Well he's dead now, right? What's to panic about? I'm too cool to worry about a scrap that's already over. Been in enough fights to know that much. Plus, I think your bloodthirsty slaughter of the wildlife has kinda messed with my standard for what's horrifying."
Jack just chuckled, genuinely impressed.
"If you must know, I respect his skill. It's rare anything gets the drop on me, let alone hurts me."
"That reminds me, Jack. WHO THE BUCK ARE YOU?"
Jack grinned as he got up, wiping some blood off his face as he went to grab a broom.
"Ah, ye'know, just a very angry Irish Badass."
...
The next morning, Jack, none the worse for wear, glared down into his bowl of cereal, daring it to catch flame. Gilda just laughed and drank her coffee as he victoriously tore into his breakfast, an extremely pleased expression on his face.
"Breakfast, meet Maker. Maker, Breakfast."
==============================================================================================
Ep. 6 - Boastbusters
Skipped because Jack didn't give a shit. Also because he would have won instantly.
Ep. 7 - Dragonshy
The ABC's of Conversation
Twilight and the others stood warily outside the cave, already having been repelled several times by the Dragon inside, and Fluttershy having failed yet again to get a word in edgewise before one of her friends rushed in. She sighed and hung her head as she wondered if they would ever listen to her. Male laughter suddenly sounded behind them as yet another of their number was flung out of the cave.
They instantly perked up and straightened their manes and the like before "noticing" Jack standing behind them.
"Oh hello Jack~!"
"Howdy, sexy."
"Sup!"
"Yes! Jack is here!"
"Hello! You look nice today!"
"Fancy meeting you here, dearie~"
He simply stared, unfazed by the lecherous gazes.
"A: Fuck off, smartwhorse B: Fuck you, inbred bitch. C: The Sky, asshole. Also, Your Ex-bestie lives in my house now. D: You are the most annoying cunt of all time and I want to stab you. E: I'll take the compliment because I always look fan-fucking-tastic, but fuck you anyway. And F: Not really. Stand aside, I'm gonna fuck up a dragon."
Stonewalled by the blunt, uncaring tone, -and the fact that their foolproof plan (seducing him) didn't have the slightest impact- they were too stunned to stop him as he strolled by as if he was on a Sunday jaunt rather than descending into a Dragon's lair.
Of course, then when the Dragon began roaring and shaking the mountain before going silent, without ejecting Jack out of the cave, they immediately assumed the worst. They began wailing their incompetence and failures as women to protect the weak and foolish Jack when he suddenly strolled back out with nary a scratch.
He looked about at the dumbfounded looks on their faces with nary a care in the world.
"A: I'm covered in hidden razor blades, so if you don't halt that hug right now pink whorse you gon' die. B: I took care of the dragon. C: By right of combat the hoard belongs to me, not your god. D: You lot? Not happening in a million years. E: Have a horrible day. I'm getting shitfaced tonight."
Ep. 8 - Look Before You Sleep
Simple and to the point.
There was a simple sign outside of Jack's house.
Any underwear raids or peeping will bring immediate retaliation in the form of Arson.
Half an orchard of Apple Trees, a dozen spellbooks, and a new line of fancy clothes burned that night.
Ep. 9 - Bridle Gossip
Please won't you be my neighbor?
Zecora jumped at the sudden knock on her door. She moved from her potion making to the door rather quickly, not wanting to be rude to her first visitor. She opened the door and greeted with a smile.
"Hello, good fellow. How are you today? Are you just dropping by to say hello, or are you here to stay?"
She realized she had been saying all this to the chest of her visitor, and looked up to see a stallion on his hind legs with a pleased grin looking down to her.
"That was focking majestic, might I say, and might I be greeted by a Zebrican potion brewer this fine summer day? My name is Jack, by-the-by, and I simply had to meet you- do or die!"
Zecora raised a brow at the challenge, and answered in turn.
"You may, my doubly-tall friend. Is there some ailment that has you on the bend? If not, I'm afraid your visit may be quite the bore, many find my way of talking to be quite the chore. Zecora is my given title, be warned, I am far from idle."
"No illness will ever befall me, on this you can depend. Instead, the hoof of bargaining I eagerly extend. I am willing to get you ingredients, though you may find my methods crude. In exchange I only ask for the knowledge of how my own potions may be brewed."
Zecora thought for a moment and took his offered hoof, accepting the deal and marveling at the strength in his grip.
"I will take your offer, my beastly strong compatriot, but know I am always happy to share my craft to those in a rut."
Jack nodded his thanks.
"And now to this rhyming I must take a bow, I am beginning to find it quite annoying now."
Zecora snorted in amusement and let him into her hut.
Ep. 10 - Swarm of the Century
FUCK NATURE, I HAVE FIRE!
"HAHAHAHAHAHA! COME GET SOME YA WEE BASTARDS!"
Jack unleashed a huge swath of flames across his yard, burning any infernal parasprite that got anywhere close.
Gilda soon came out and stood beside him, watching the burning little lumps of gluttony fall and turn to ash with a sick satisfaction.
"Can I have a turn?"
Jack turned to her, bellowing.
"YOU DARE TOUCH MY FLAMMENWERFER!?"
"...Please?"
"Yeah alright."
He shrugged off the flamethrower pack and handed it to her, seizing a beer a from a convenient cooler and lying on an equally convenient lawnchair that was definitely not summoned by the plot device.
"Happy birthday, and happy hunting, my dear Fräulein."
Jack chugged half the bottle and chuckled as Gilda werfed some flammen at anything that moved.
Ep. 11 - Winter Wrap Up
Resurrecting Dead Memes since 1987
Twilight looked up in wonder at the towering snow statue that Jack had somehow built himself into, with his head poking out comically atop its shoulders.
"I AM THE SNOW GUARDIAN! GUARDIAN OF THE SNOW!"
Gilda flew up and planted a talon on the statue's chest.
"SPRING QUIVERS BEFORE HIM!"
Jack glared down at the gathered crowd of Winter Wrap Up ponies.
"FOCK OFF!"
Ep. 12 - Call of the Cutie
I'm Caring if I need to Be
Jack opened the door to see Applebloom staring up at him hopefully.
He suddenly drew his gigantic knife.
"I can get you a "magic" butt tattoo if you really want it."
She nodded eagerly as Jack frowned.
"1,000 bits paid upfront, another 5,000 with monthly payments."
She paled and looked crestfallen.
"I also charge interest."
She sighed and trotted away as Jack grinned, happy to have dissuaded her from his way of doing things.
...What? Think he's heartless or something?
Ep. 13 - Fall Weather Friends
Some People say I'm too competitive. Git Gud Scrubs.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!"
A pink earth pony glanced about in confusion before suddenly being headbutted off the balloon by a viciously hurled baby dragon. He reappeared after a moment with a dazed expression, a megaphone landing perfectly in his claws. He gave a thumbs up to a grey stallion on the ground. Aforementioned stallion dusted off his hooves and went to get fitted with a running number.
He won by a landslide by skating on the ground like it was ice. An abuse of the rules? Sure. But he regretted nothing. The final bracket left him in first, and two random background characters in second and third.
He stole first place. He also stole their medals. Because he could.
Ep. 14 - 16
Irrelevant because nothing funny happened. The author is very tired at this time. It is now 4 AM.
Ep. 17 - Stare Master
I am become Death, destroyer of cockatrices.
The cockatrice glared into this yellow pegasus' eyes, determined to turn her to stone, and slowly winning their little contest. He almost had her, just a little bit more you stupid pony. A faint rustle of bushes did nothing to distract him.
...
The all-encompassing dread and premonition of doom on the other hand...
Fluttershy stuttered in her ranting as the Cockatrice suddenly whipped its head away and sprinted off.
Did I... win?
She shrieked but a moment later as a heavily camouflaged and bloody form burst screaming from the bushes and rushed by her.
"BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!"
She screamed again as another, equally morbid shape flew past her.
"DEATH FOR THE DEATH GOD!"
Fluttershy and the girls quickly ran to safety as the two hunters screamed and hollered through the forest.
"THAT ISN'T A REAL GOD!"
"BUCK YOU! YES IT IS!"
"FUCK YOU TOO!"
"BUCK YOU THREE! I SAID IT FIRST SO YOU'RE THE MOST BUCKED!"
"FUCK!"
Ep. 18 - The Show Stoppers
Jack is best pony bro.
Twilight blinked once, twice, before registering what she was seeing.
Jack was headbanging violently backstage while the CMC performed their act despite looking like he had just lost a fight with a wood chipper. He had what seemed to be a large, suction cup marks and ink all over his body, and bits of taffy in his now rainbow-dyed hair.
Twilight finally realized why Jack had been burning books in the library with the CMC earlier, he had likely been making sure none of them actually got hurt in all of their little crusades while causing a little grief along the way.
As if he had heard her thoughts over the pounding music, he suddenly froze and straightened up. He coughed into his hoof and cast a silent glance in her direction.
No one will ever believe you.
Just then, the music ended as the CMC finished their act. Jack grinned and congratulated them as they came backstage.
Twilight found herself not even needing to step in to get their spirits back up. Jack had skillfully turned their dejection into laughter at all the stuff they messed up. She only smiled and secretly pulled out a scroll, scribbled a little message, and sent it off to Celestia.
Dear, Princess CelestiASS,
It has come to my attention that even the rudest, sourest, and most hopelessly isolated ponies can have a heart.
Jack Marley certainly has a soft spot for the Cutiemark Crusaders. NOTHING!
There is hope for Jack yet.
Your Student, Little Bitch,
Twilight Sparkle Purple Whorse
Ep. 19 - 22
These subplots were avoided with a vengeance. Jack does not associate willingly with the Slut Squad.
Ep. 23 - The Cutie Mark Chronicles
Why So Serious!?
Jack stared down in confusion at the CMC gathered around his door and idly wondered how ponies were getting past the minefield so easily.
"Hey Jack!"
"Big Jack!"
"Howdy Mr. Marley!"
Jack frowned at Applebloom playfully.
"Mr. Marley was me dad's name, call me Jack, Applebloom. Why are you lot up 'ere den?"
"We're going around town and asking everypony how they got their Cutie Marks!" said Scootaloo, extremely unaware of how nervous Jack had just become, "So, how did you get yours? It was something rad for sure!"
Jack leaned back into the doorway and looked off to his side. Gilda had shot up from the couch and was furiously waving her talons and shaking her head.
"Uh..." he scrambled for some half-assed yet believable answer. "I, uh.... am very good at... being evil? Yeah, that works! YEP! Being PURE EVIL is definitely how I got this sucker, definitely not through some gruesome and painful method that I don't dare share wit' youth in fear of 'em copying my actions! Definitely!"
He stretched a painfully tight smile across his face. Applebloom scratched her head, while Scootaloo and Sweetie Bell raised an eyebrow.
"So... if yall'r evil n' all, shouldn't you not be nice to us?"
Jack was suddenly sweating profusely.
"That's, uh, because TRUE EVIL has standards! Yep, if you have no moral code at all then you're just crazy! My standards, luckily for you lot, cover not terrorizing young'ins."
Jack glanced at an imaginary watch.
"Oh! Would you look at the time! So much to do, so little daylight! IHAVETOGOGOODLUCKDONTASKMETHATAGAINUNTILYOUREOLDERBYE!"
Jack slammed the door and blew out a long sigh as he slid down the wall. Gilda peaked out the window to make sure the CMC were gone before walking over to him.
"How did you get your Cutie Mark?"
Jack suddenly laughed maniacally for a moment before looking up to her with a devious smile.
"You wanna know how I got these scars?"
"Yeah. That's why I asked dumbass."
Ep. 24 & 25
Skipped. See Above Reasons.
Ep. 26 - The Best Night Ever
Yeah that's happening next time. Too many jokes, not enough chapter.