“And so, through the magical powers of texting, the Fellowship of Dusting met once again on the threshold of the greatest challenge that stood before them,” Light Patch said, doing his best impression of the narrator from the Powerpuff Girls as he stood looking up at the house that looked to be fairly old.
“I don’t think you’re allowed to make a Lord of the Rings reference,” Wits End said, frowning at Light Patch, “at least finish the first book, then we’ll see.”
“Hey, I’ve read a good chunk of the first book,” Light Patch said, turning back to face Wits End. “Besides Willow’s better.”
“Well, I haven’t seen Willow,” Wits retorted. “Maybe we need a day to watch all the movies and THEN judge them.”
“Ladies,” Rarity snapped, “you’re both...in need of serious makeovers. We’ll discuss that later. For now, we have a house to fix up. So kindly refrain from squabbling like little children.”
The two teens grumbled under their breath and crossed their arms, turning away from each other with petulant pouts on their faces.
“Judgement aside,” Purple Heart interjected, “could we perhaps get on with the cleaning? I’d like to sleep sometime before midnight.”
“And when has that ever actually happened?” Wits End threw over his shoulder.
“ENOUGH~!” Fluttershy cried. Silence and attention was immediate. “Could we please start cleaning? Sleep is important and sleeping in a clean environment is mandatory.”
“Well, it ain’t necessarily mandatory,” Applejack rebutted, “it’s a nice luxury though.”
“Who has the key?” Rainbow Dash asked.
Sunset stepped forward, pulling the key she’d gotten from Celestia out of her jacket and opened the door, giving the group their first look at the inside of the old building. “Well, she wasn’t lying when she said the building hadn’t been used for a while.” It was the politest thing she was able to think of at that moment to say.
“There are some things that were meant to remain buried, some secrets left unknown, some tombs that shouldn’t have ever been opened,” Light Patch said, having caught a glimpse from behind Sunset.
“We’re going to need the use of the bathroom to help clean everything,” Rarity said once she’d gotten over the shock of what she’d seen. “Who’s willing to start there?” She turned around to look at the rest of the group, prompting several quick ‘not its’ from everyone. One of the teens was however slower than the rest and all eyes turned to look at the unlucky teen.
“Oh, sugar honey iced tea,” Wits End muttered. “This is what I get for skipping arm day, I guess.” With a sigh, he took the grocery bag filled with bathroom cleaning supplies and set off into the house. “Remember me as I lived: in a Zero, rolling off the runway into a gunpit.”
Applejack raised an eyebrow. “Do ah want ta know?”
Pinkie Pie shrugged. “It’s probably a long story leading to an ultimately unsatisfying inside joke.”
“How does she do that?” Light Patch asked in his best pirate accent. “Anyway, I guess I’ll go start in the kitchen. We’ll want a place to eat and cook in the morning,” Light Patch said, grabbing some of the supplies that would be useful for working in the kitchen.
“Guess I’ll start on the living room,” Purple Heart hummed. “Gotta congregate somewhere. Most certainly not our rooms. Discuss amongst yourselves who gets to help whom. It matters not to me.” He gathered some supplies and moved on to find a vacuum cleaner.
The girls stood in the foray for a moment, thinking silently.
“Work with Purple Heart or as far away from him as possible?” Sunset murmured. “Close or far, close or far, close or far...”
“Furthest away from him would be the bathroom,” Twilight pointed out. “Are you sure you want to clean that instead of ignoring his presence for a day?” The decision was no contest.
“I’ll got get more supplies from the school janitor’s room,” Sunset decided, leaving the house entirely.
“Well, she made the most of a difficult situation,” Rainbow Dash commented. “I’ll work with Purple Heart. I wanna grill him about sports. Maybe I can get him on the baseball team… Or the football team for that matter...” She too left swiftly, following Purple Heart.
“I’ll go help Wits End. Unless one of you wanted to, that is,” Fluttershy quietly said. “There’s a question I was hoping to ask him.” She explained. Hearing no objections, she headed towards where she’d seen Wits End go, trying to think of the best way to ask her question.
“I’ll go with Light Patch. I know my way around a kitchen, so cleaning it will be a breeze,” Pinkie said with smooth confidence only shaken when her stomach growled. “I’m also kind of hoping I can mooch a bite or two from the food,” she admitted with a faint blush on her cheeks and a light chuckle as she grabbed up all of the food and skipped her way to the kitchen before any of the others could stop her.
“Well, so much for their food supplies,” Sci Twi sighed. “I was thinking I’d see about the living room. Maybe there are some interesting old books or something in here.” Her eyes glanced at every shelf and book as she passed. Princess Twilight followed her without saying anything, prompting the rest of the girls to split up and pick some other room in the house to start trying to clean up.
* * *
Sunset Shimmer pushed the door open. “I’m back! And I found a spare vacuum cleaner.” She looked about the entry hall, which was still relatively untouched. “What’ve I missed?”
“Not much to be honest,” Princess Twilight replied as she peaked into the hallway. “I mean… the house ate us and all, and now we’re just ghosts. But otherwise, it’s been fairly quiet.”
Sunset blinked owlishly at the royal Twilight and shook her head, hauling the vacuum into the foray. “Despite my short experience with them, that sounds like something one of the boys would say,” she commented dryly.
Twilight gave a light laugh and walking into the hall proper. “I unfortunately spent a great deal of time with them,” she pointed out. “Maybe I’ve picked up a little on their little ‘isms’.” Her brow furrowed and her lips tightened into a line as she thought for a moment. Then her eyes widened in shock and horror. “Ye carping heck, I’m becoming one of them!” she cried.
“Hahaha~!” A cackle echoed around the house, though its source was clearly the living room. “Our corruption is complete! Soon, Equestria will be ours, my brothers!”
Sunset frowned. “Do we need to check on them to make sure they don’t burn the house down?”
“No, no,” Twilight said with a shake of her head. She stopped, thinking for a moment. “Actually, yes. We should check on them. Let’s start with Light Patch and the kitchen.”
“Because of the oven?”
“Because of the oven.” The two girls made their way to the kitchen, moving slightly faster every few seconds as they imagined the damage that might already be done. “Light Patch?” Twilight asked. “Status report?”
“I’ve gotten the floor clean and I’m moving onto the counter tops next and Pinkie is just about finished with the oven,” Light Patch said with a mock salute before getting back to getting cleaning. “Also, Twilight. You’re smart. Tell Pinkie she’s wrong about pancakes being the inferior form of cakes.”
“Oh please,” the pink teen’s voice echoed from within the oven. “Twilight is the smartest, so of course she’d know that pancakes are inferior and it’s all about the cupcake!” she said, standing and stalking over to poke Light Patch in the chest angrily. Twilight watched and listened to the two of them argue for a minute before sighing.
“Oh no, not this again.” She muttered quietly prompting a raised eyebrow from Sunset.
“They’ve argued about this before?”
“Once from what Applejack said.” Twilight replied.
“Answer the question, Twilight,” Pinkie growled.
Twilight swallowed hard. “I abstain from this judgement, by virtue of princesshood and such like that.”
Sunset smirked; which fell apart as soon as the pink teen turned on her. “Uh, same thing, but without the princesshood excuse.”
“I can’t believe I’m friends with you two, “ Pinkie muttered, turned back to the oven.
“Yeah, they didn’t even try to establish some kind of common ground like powder cakes are the most exciting or that ‘a piece of cake’ is a weird idiom for something simple,” Light Patch muttered, shaking his head in disappointment.
“But the weirdest cake idiom is probably, ‘like piffy on a rock cake’,” Pinkie threw out.
“I have absolutely no idea what that means What the heck is ‘piffy’ anyway?”
“I know, right?”
“Ohhhhkay, sure.” Sunset hooked her thumb at the hallway. “We should check and make sure Wits hasn’t accidentally created a poisonous gas in the bathroom.”
Twilight nodded, then turned back to the two teens in the kitchen. “Carry on. Try not to set off the fire alarm.”
The two girls chatted quietly as they walked towards the bathroom, checking in with the others as they passed by them, but mostly taking the time to catch up with each other face-to-face rather than through a journal. When they neared the bathroom however, a loud thunk interrupted their talk and, with worried looks, they dashed the rest of the short distance.
Fluttershy darted out of the bathroom door, a look halfway between panic and embarrassment on her face. “I-I-I just asked him about when he was a pony, and he-”
A low moan emanated from within the bathroom. Sunset shifted past Fluttershy and stuck her head through the door. On the floor, under the sink, was Wits End; crouched into a ball and holding the top of his head. “You alright?”, she asked.
“I think by the end of this day,” Wits mumbled, “I’m going to have a very minor case of serious brain damage…”
Sunset sighed and knelt next to the collapsed teen. “What did she ask?”
“She asked if I was cute.”
The red-haired girl stared down for a few seconds. Then, a wicked smile began to cross her lips as she held her chin with one hand. “Ohhhhh, I see how this is.”
“Alright, alright.” Twilight grabbed Wits End by his collar and dragged him out to heft him onto his feet. “What’s the status?”
“This place has seen better days,” he said, straightening his clothes. “But, we’re making good progress. We took care of the shower and tiles, so next is the sink. The toilet’s for last.”
“Which one of you is doing the toilet?” Sunset asked.
“Well, I am a man, after all.”
“Fluttershy beat you at rock-paper-scissors, huh?” Twilight deadpanned.
“We started with a best of 3! How do you win 7 games in a row like that?” Wits exclaimed.
Twilight shook her head. “Honestly, I’m surprised you’re taking this so seriously.”
“I take cleaning very seriously,” Wits said, putting his hands on his hips. “I’m a regular Ryuuji Takasu all up in this.”
“At this point, I honestly don’t care.”
“Moving on then,” Sunset decided. “Let’s see what kind of catastrophe is in the living room.” The duo left the bathroom, leaving Wits End to his minor brain damage and Fluttershy to her cuteness overload.
“Well, we’ve wandered into two unusual situations, let’s see if number three is better,” Twilight said as they stepped into the living room.
“I. AM. NO OKAY.” Purple Heart boomed, rocking the two girls back on their heels. They blinked at each other once before switching their gazes to scrutinize the purple teen. He was standing on one foot, holding the other in his hands. Rainbow Dash was dusting the furniture. While on top of the furniture.
“Find another one?” she asked, not looking at the irritated boy.
“A mini this time,” he growled, flexing his foot and then apprehensively placing it back on the floor. He squatted, picking up the cause for his pain. “Stormtrooper. I swear, whoever owned this house before we came along had children or grandchildren who possessed an unhealthy amount of legos.”
Twilight and Sunset blinked again, looking at each other. They tried valiantly to stifle their laughter. Tried being the operative word.
Purple Heart’s baleful glare lifted from the lego minifigure in his palm to settle on the laughing pair, displeasure clear for all to see in his eyes. “You,” he rumbled, “have not known the true meaning of pain, suffering, and hopelessness until you’ve stepped on a lego.”
Sunset’s giggles erupted and she held her stomach, gasping for breath. Twilight caught her breath long enough to ask a question. “Why aren’t you wearing shoes?”
Incredibly, Purple Heart’s gaze became even colder. “I came to this place without shoes,” he growled, taking several steps forward. “I wear a size fifteen. Do you perchance know of anyone with shoes freakishly big enough to fit my behemoth sized- OWCH! GOSH DARN SONUVA FUDGING BOLLOCKS AND CARPING HECK!!” The sight of the massive teen hopping around on one foot whilst holding the other set a most comical image. Laughter was renewed and Purple Heart grumbled under his breath as he sunk to the floor, clearly set on not moving willingly from his spot.
“Well aside from that,” Princess Twilight said once she’d gotten her laughter back under control, “how has cleaning the room gone?”
“Well enough,” Rainbow Dash answered. “Everything’s cleaned and tidied. Floors been vacuumed.”
“Then why are there still legos to step on?”
“He was moving the couch and found a hoard of them underneath. Then he dropped them everywhere. Like I said, well enough. Only mess to deal with now is the one he made.”
“Sounds like a dangerous situation there. I’ll help,” Light Patch said, entering the room.
“Light Patch?” Twilight turned to face the grey teen. “You and Pinkie are done with the kitchen already? Did you put the food away too?”
“Mostly. I finished the countertops and Pinkie said she’d put the food away, so I figured I’d go see what I could do to help elsewhere,” Light Patch said with a shrug as he prodded the still quietly muttering Purple Heart.
The room went silent for a solid minute. Eventually, Twilight broke the silence. “Light Patch,” she said slowly. “Did you say that Pinkie said she would ‘put the food away’?”
“Yes,” he replied cautiously, sensing he was on the precipice of danger.
The room was silent again. It was at this time that Wits End and Fluttershy peeked into the living room, only to very quietly retreat from the Equestrian Standoff in action. “Light Patch,” Twilight repeated. “Do you understand what I would mean if I said that you were attached to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis?”
The teen looked confused as he puzzled out what she said, “Are you saying I’ve been screwed?” he finally asked after another minute.
Before Twilight could respond, she was interrupted by a bass belch coming from the direction of the kitchen. Without a word, she gestured in the direction of the burp with both hands, an expression of disappointment clear on her face.
Sunset stared at Light Patch. “You… dense bucker.”
Light Patch looked looked between Twilight and the kitchen and the burp and Sunset for a few moments before the light clicked on in his head prompting him Gibb’s Smack himself. “Consider this Boozle thoroughly bambed.”
“Bamb...boozled?” Purple Heart questioned weakly. “That...I guess...okay...”
“You seem to be a little slow now, aren’t you?” Sunset Shimmer prodded, grinning at the seated purple teen. “Is it past your bedtime?” Purple Heart rubbed his face and blinked blearily at the ceiling.
“Maybe,” he hummed. “I dunno how long you all’ve been up, but I’ve been awake for about 12 hours… I think… Not certain...” He frowned and rubbed at his eyes.
“Well, the house looks reasonably liveable now,” Applejack declared, walking into the living room, followed closely by Rarity and Fluttershy. “Ah think yeh’ll be good fer the night.”
“Indeed,” Rarity agreed. “It doesn’t look fantastic or even fashionable, but it is...satisfactory.”
“Everything in the bathroom is clean,” Fluttershy chimed in. “Wits only has to do a few more small touch ups.”
“What about food?” Pinkie asked through a mouthful of sandwich. “They need food before bed.”
“I was thinking we try shaving Pinkie’s hair and seeing what falls out,” Light Patch muttered as he glared at the girl.
“Hey, folks?” Wits leaned around the wall. “I know we’ve been cleaning this place up, but it looks like aliens abducted the contents of the kitchen. Anyone know a pizza place that delivers this late?”
“I know a good vegan place,” Fluttershy said. She looked up to see a look of disgust on Wits End’s face. “I guess that’s a no then…”
“I may have sworn off most meats, but I’m not going that far,” Purple Heart grumbled as he rolled to his feet. “Fish would be fine. Or sushi. Or pizza. Depends on your budget.”
“How’s everyone feel about cannibalism?” Light Patch asked speculatively as he continued to glare at Pinkie.
The girls all stared at the grey teen blankly and gave a resounding answer of ‘NO.’ Twilight and Sunset then swung back to Purple Heart, scrutinizing the youth. “And what,” Sunset snarled, “pray tell, do you mean when you say ‘our budget’?” The boys all shared a look, blinking rapidly at each other. Science Twilight’s eyes narrowed at their pitiful attempt to speak in morse code. Princess Twilight rolled her eyes and sighed, nodding her head at the boys.
“I understand,” she said.
“What, you’re taking their side?!” Sunset squawked. “You think we have to pay for their food?!” The other girls, save Fluttershy and Pinkie, turned their glares on the pony-turned-human Twilight.
Princess Twilight shook her head. “I didn’t say I’m taking their side or to pay for their food,” she soothed. “I just understand their situation.”
“Which is… what?” Applejack said.
“Light, get off.” Purple Heart shoved his teething friend off him and brushed his shirt. “This is serious.”
“Oh, you bet your tail it’s serious,” Rainbow Dash ground out. “Why are we paying for your food?”
The boys looked pitifully at the girls and widened their eyes to make themselves look as innocent as possible.
“We have no monies,” they chorused.
“He used it all to buy steam games,” Wits pointed at Purple Heart.
“Oi! It was only a few!”
“Unless of course they’ll take a dollar bill or two,” Light Patch said idly. looking through his wallet. “Somehow though, I don’t think our home currency is gonna be accepted here.” He held up a bill up for further emphasis. It was at that point that the two Twilights snatched the bill from his hands and set about scrutinizing the foreign currency.
“It’s not even remotely close enough to pass even a surface check,” Sci Twi said, looking it over and comparing it to a bill from their own world.
“I still can’t believe you accept paper as money,” Princess Twilight said as she observed from over Sci Twi’s shoulder. There were several more seconds of examining before the bill was snatched back by Light Patch.
“Regardless, it’s like we said: we don’t have any valid currency in this world so either ya’ll pay outta the kindness of your hearts,” Light Patch said, prompting a small eye twitch from Rarity, “or you point us to the nearest soup kitchen that's open or a forest growing some easily foraged food. Because someone who I won’t name–Pinkie–ate all of ours.”
“Regardless of the regardlessness,” Purple Heart added, “the only way we’re gonna get anything to eat at this rate is if someone makes a generous donation to our cause.”
“Hang on,” Sunset said, eyes narrowing at the purple teen. “What about you?”
Purple Heart blinked slowly. “What about me?”
“What about the money you won off of Pinkie?”
Purple Heart blinked slowly once again. He reached into his pocket, retrieving a wad of bills that still smelled faintly of bubble gum. “Oh. Well, looks like we have 495 bucks to our name.”
“And you still owe me 5 from that first question you whiffed.”
A frown passed slowly over Purple Heart’s face as he removed five bills from the wad and tossed them at Sunset. “490 bucks.”
Wits clapped his hands. “In any case, let’s get something ordered, eat it, and then sleep. I’m just about to pass out from all the excitement of sneaking through Castle Wolfenstein High School Edition and running into Holdfast again.”
Princess Twilight‘s head jerked up. “Hold-what now? What was he doing in Crystal Prep?”
“Teaching, I assume. He had a badge and everything.” A loud, synchronized stomach gurgle from the three boys cut off any future discussion. Wits chuckled. “Let’s sync up over pizza. Or Chinese food. Or anything. The bathroom cleaning supplies are starting to look awful tasty.”
* * *
Elsewhere, something stirred in the dark. Six pairs of eyes glowed in the inky blackness, each pair shifting independent of the others. In the center was a massive body, mostly unmoving aside from the slow rise and fall of breath.
One made a low growl, almost as if it was clearing its throat. “So,” it said smoothly, a pair of violet fins swaying gently behind its jaw, “they are here, yes?”
“The warriors from another world,” said another quietly, iridescent pink scales catching what little light there was. This one’s voice wavered, and the head shifted nervously. “They’ve gathered with the counterparts of their companions. Was this really the best choice?”
“It matters not,” the third head growled, red eyes glowing harshly in the cave’s blackness. “What was will be in the end. We will have our home again.”
“Whether they come at us together or alone, we will prevail,” a fourth mused softly, it's lavender horn casting a soft, iridescent glow that illuminated its face. “Their presence aside, we must continue searching for the escaped Usurper.”
“Has our agent had any information to share in the regard?” the fifth one said, its blue tusks reflecting the light from the lavender horn.
“Nothing new that would be of any use,” the sixth head answered, its orange spines rustling as it slowly shook its head. “We seem to be where we have been since the start of the search.”
“Perhaps it is time we actively take part in the search,” rumbled the third, eyes shifting to scrutinize its fellows. “With six additional minds participating, we’d cover more ground with greater speed.”
The fourth head snorted and the glow on its horn brightened for a second. “Six heads on one body. We’d cover more mental ground, but not physical ground.”
“And there is no need to risk exposure before it’s time, before we’re ready,” spoke the first head, its fins flared out resolutely. “It is best to let our agents be and to continue to act on their own.”
The second head shuddered. “Exposure is the last thing we need. The Puppet Master has his own agent searching for us. One wrong move, one slip in the wrong direction, and it could all be for nothing. No, no, we should stay here where we’re safe.”
“In the meantime,” the fifth interjected, “we should be working on the three warriors. Breaking them down so that they stay in this world by choice. Smiles and laughter are more effective measures than any lash.” It grinned, baring row upon row of sharpened teeth. “Nowhere near as fun, however.”
“At least something is moving on that front,” the first head huffed. “The small one took the bait from his counterpart. He’ll be so wrapped up in his little mystery that he’ll have no time to worry about leaving.”
“The purple one seems to have no reason to stay,” the fourth head sniffed. “Although, he has an interesting relationship with the red haired horse girl. Perhaps something could be built between them...”
“You just want to see him flail around in terror,” the third one grumbled. “His social skills are sufficient for day to day interaction. But interpersonal relationship building? He is less than adept.”
“Don’t forget his counterpart,” the fifth one pointed out. “An interaction between the two of them would be most entertaining.”
“Perhaps,” the first hummed.
“Something tells me we don’t need to worry about the grey one. If we can get his friends to stay, he’ll likely stay out of loyalty,” the sixth head observed. “If nothing else, he might even be easily bribable.”
“He also seemed strangely concerned not just about seeing his counterpart but also for his counterpart... Perhaps another reason for him to stay?” the second head noted curiously.
“Our focus should be on the princess,” the third head cut in. “She will drive them to find a way out. She should be sent back to her own world.” It snorted in anger. “Or destroyed, if need be.”
“No.” The first head spat. “Destroying her will unite them against us directly. Actions such as those have powerful consequences.”
“Agreed,” the fourth said with a nod. “For now, we observe. Only observe,” it repeated with a pointed look at the third head. “Yes?”
The third head grumbled, turning away from the others for a moment. Finally, it turned back with a sigh. “Yes, fine. We’re agreed.”
The fourth head bared its teeth in what could be considered a smile. “Good.” All six heads turned back to the wall, where an image of the 8 girls and 3 boys was projected, all talking and laughing over a shared meal. “Let them celebrate today and sleep tonight,” the head said, its horn glowing brighter as it focused. “Tomorrow, we bind them to this world all the tighter.”
A low rumble reverberated in the darkness. Five of the heads turned to focus on one. The head with tusks looked between the five pairs of eyes staring at it. “What?” It motioned to the food projected in front of them with its chin. “It does look good, doesn’t it?”