From the outside, my ground level apartment looked barely lived in. The windows were dark, the stoop was unswept, and the mail slot was stuffed full. In fairness to my apartment, it really was unlived in. I mostly only came in to check on Mr. Peepers and sleep if I could. That was hard to do, though.
I unlocked the door with my magic, pulled it open, and unloaded the mailbox on the back side of it. I’d been ignoring that chore for days. The envelopes flew over to a stack of other unopened mail and gracefully landed on top of it.
“Tomorrow,” I lied to myself before heading over to the big fishbowl that dominated my kitchen table.
Mr. Peepers swam over to me and peered out into the darkness. I reached out to the lights with my magic and turned them on, and he gave me a rather disgruntled look.
“I’m sorry I’m late. There was a crowd on the way here and I had to go the long way to avoid it.”
He just stared at me and blew two bubbles.
“Don’t be so judgmental,” I whispered before grabbing his food and tipping some over into his bowl.
With dignity and grace, he swam to the top to start on his dinner. I settled at the table across from him and pulled mine out of the bag. I’d picked up a salad from the restaurant on the corner while I was hiding from the crowd. We ate together in relative silence.
Diver Pony was facing away from me… and that was never a good sign.
“Did you two have a fight again? When I left yesterday, I thought things were looking up.”
Mr. Peepers blew two bubbles, then three, then six. Diver Pony just sat there in silence.
With a sigh, I munched on my salad. “Are you sure you want me to put the bubble chest in? Is it really worth going that far?”
Six more bubbles.
“Fine, but not until after dinner! I want you to really think this through,” I said before poking at my meal with little interest. They’d gotten the order wrong in my favor. There were three cookies in the bag that I hadn’t ordered.
Everything was quiet other than the bubbler in Mr. Peeper’s tank. That kept the water fresh and safe for him. My apartment was always quiet. It never had the subtle noises of my parents moving around doing their thing. I really didn’t like it.
Mindful Soul said I needed to keep it, though. Adult ponies lived on their own. Living with my parents wouldn’t help with my recovery. It would just lead to more regression. At least that is what she said.
I looked around at the violet walls. They were duller than normal, and I could see dust on the windowsills. “When was the last time I cleaned this place?”
Truthfully, I had no idea and didn’t want to think about it. Instead, I finished my salad and went to Mr. Peeper’s toy box. I pulled out the bubble chest and brought it over. “Now, you’re sure?”
Mr. Peepers swam a circle around the bowl, never making eye contact with Diver Pony.
“Alright, I think this is a mistake, but this is your life.” As carefully as I could, I pulled Diver Pony out of the bowl and set him aside. Then I used my magic to ease the bubble chest in, then hooked it up to the bubbler.
As soon as the lid filled up with enough bubbles, it would open and release them. Mr. Peepers gleefully swam back and forth through them as if showing off for Diver Pony, clearly punishing him.
I leaned close to the little pony figure and whispered, “Don’t worry, in a day or two he’ll forgive you. I honestly don’t know why you put up with this. He is so high maintenance.”
Diver Pony didn’t make any comment to me. He was the sort of pony that kept to himself. Mr. Peepers was the only creature that could bring him out of his shell.
I cleaned Diver Pony off and set him in his special case to ensure he would stay safe and crisp. After that, I started to tidy up my apartment a little bit. “Be an adult, Azurite.”
The sun was starting to go down outside and that meant darkness. My magic flared and started lighting every single one of the remaining unicorn lanterns in my home. By the time I’d finished, the inside was brighter than when the sun was out.
Mr. Peepers was still swirling around the bubble chest. That was his daily fitness routine. He was worried that if he didn’t do it, he’d lose his figure. Vain fish.
I glanced at the door and thought about going home, but I forced myself to look away. “No, Azurite. Let’s at least try to sleep here.”
My blanket and pillows were already on the couch, so I hopped up on there and curled up. It wouldn’t be so bad to sleep here. I used to live here, the lease was in my name, and I paid the bills. At least I used to.
The apartment was so quiet. The soft bubbling from Mr. Peepers bowl provided little comfort. I closed my eyes and pulled my blanket tightly around myself. If I could just keep my head clear, I could sleep. Sleep in my own apartment like an adult.
Just like an adult, big pony. I wasn’t a filly.
“The sun will be coming up soon,” somepony said.
“This is the best night of the year!” another voice called.
I could hear ponies celebrating around me, but with my eyes shut tightly I couldn’t see it. There was a party going on that seemed familiar but also wrong. I opened my eyes and found myself out in the street. This was Canterlot for sure, but it was totally dark. There were no stars in the sky and the moon was huge. Why was this familiar?
All around me ponies were celebrating. The streets were packed full of mares and stallions drinking, snacking, and dancing. At my side was another pony, but her form was blurry. I did my best to focus on her, but I just couldn’t. I couldn’t handle seeing her.
When I turned away from her, the smiling ponies in the street had changed their expression to sneers of anger. They were all staring threateningly at me with glowing red eyes. It was happening again!
“No… stay back!”
They didn’t stay back. They pressed in all around me and the other pony. I could feel their hot breath against my coat. “BACK!” I screamed.
Why was this happening? Why! I had to escape. It was time to run! When I turned away, I bumped into the blurry pony. She was doing her best to fight off the horrible red-eyed ponies. They were pressing closer and closer. It was hard to breathe. There were just too many bodies around me.
Then it happened. It always happened this way. A large pony smashed the back of the pony with me, knocking her to the ground. The sound of bones breaking resonated over and over in my ears. Several other ponies then leapt on top of her while she screamed in pain and begged them to stop.
I felt it as my magic encircled the hilt of my sword and drew it from its hidden scabbard. Don’t do it. Don’t. Stop, Azurite. Stop!
“SANDY!” I screamed as the sword rushed forwards. Hot liquid sprayed over my face and hooves and then I fell.
My stomach leapt into my throat as I tumbled down, down, down, and down endlessly. Then the impact came. I was on the floor of my living room, panting and squirming while my heart raced.
It was the same old dream. My recurring nightmare of the Summer Sun festival that had ruined my life. Ruined her life.
It was still dark outside, and my clock showed it was barely after 04:00. That meant I had a few hours to myself before it was time for class again. I pulled my pillow down and hugged it against my chest while I tried to slow my breathing down.
Rescue breathing Azurite. Inhale, one, two, three. Hold, one, two, three. Exhale, one, two, three.
Mr. Peepers was looking down at me from the table with concern.
“I’ll be okay,” I whispered without meaning it. “I’ll be okay. I’ll be okay.”
He swam in a quick circle and then stopped to look at me again.
I huffed as the tremors started to slow down. “No, I’m not going to run home. I don’t want to wake my parents up this late. It was just a nightmare. I’ll just distract myself until class.”
The large stack of mail loomed tall on the table beside my couch. That was as good a distraction as anything else. I grabbed it clumsily with my magic and toppled it down onto the floor with me.
A clear majority of it was advertisements for marecare products. A year or so back, I’d accidentally signed up for a mailing list and there was no apparent way to unsubscribe regardless of how many letters I’d written. I’d even considered going to the source and arresting everypony for harassment. That was still on my to-do list.
Those pieces went right into my recycling bin. A bin that was already overflowing. When was the last time I’d taken it out?
With the quality of the mail I was getting, leaving a ton of it unopened might not have been immature after all. I flipped through a few more items before something caught my eye: The Joy of Painting with Happy Tree. It was a class at the local art school.
Mindful Soul had been harping that I needed to get out and do things. She said hobbies with other ponies would help me. Happy Tree looked like a pony to me. A tall, lanky stallion with a big fuzzy mane. If I enrolled in a painting class, perhaps she’d leave me alone. About that, anyway.
“Not many ponies go to classes, right?” I asked Mr. Peepers.
He swam upwards in a tight spiral before shooting out of the water. From there, he looped and dove back down below the surface.
“It’s a start! Not everypony can be as outgoing as you.”
Mr. Peepers blew five bubbles.
“Yes, fine, I’ll sign up right now if you drop that judgmental tone,” I said before flipping through the accompanying pamphlet for details. The next class was this Friday. All a pony had to do was show up with the required supplies.
This Friday, I was going to go learn to paint after class and after my therapy appointment. Maybe.
Mr. Peepers bubbled.
“Fine! I’m going, I’m going!”
That seemed to be the right answer, because he moved over to the bubble chest to enjoy the jets.
My heart had slowed down enough to where I could get up. I dragged myself into the kitchen to make breakfast. If I ate and left now, I could work out at the Royal Guard complex and be in class early.
Despite my special status with the Royal Guard, I still had to maintain an appropriate fitness level. Galloping wasn’t a bad way to do that. It also exhausted me and made it hard to think.
Once I had made toast, covered it in jam, and forced it down, the time was almost 05:00. I peeked out the window by the door. Canterlot was dark.
“Dark,” I muttered as I trotted in place. “Gotta go to school. But dark. Grrr, regular ponies can go out at night. I should, too. Come on, Azurite, just step outside and go.”
I opened the door with magic and peered outside. It was still dark. That didn’t surprise me, but it was all I could notice. My hooves started to shake as I contemplated my options. Finally, I snatched my saddlebag off the floor and streaked out of the apartment, slamming the door behind me.
AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
My hooves clacked on the stone streets of Canterlot as I rushed frantically towards the Royal Guard campus.
There were almost no ponies outside, and I knew the ones that I passed stopped to stare at me. A pony streaking through the city early in the morning while squealing was probably an odd sight. They didn’t understand, and I wasn’t going to stop to explain it.
The gates to the Royal Guard campus appeared ahead of me. I was almost there. When I got close enough to see the sentries standing outside, I slowed down to a trot and tried to act like my chest wasn’t heaving.
“Morning,” I huffed.
“Good morning,” one of the guards replied, giving me a sideways look.
Ponies were always looking at me funny. Sometimes, it hurt my feelings. Most of the time, I didn’t care. Today was a day when I didn’t care.
One of the neat things about royal guards is that they were around no matter what day of the week it is or what hour of the day. At 05:00, the gym was packed. Crowds bothered me, but not when everypony was a guard. Guards protected each other. We always looked after our own.
I tossed my saddlebag onto a bench and headed for the treadmills. There were a couple left open, so I hopped on and started to gallop. This was my more controlled and professional gallop than the one I’d done in the streets of Canterlot. The frantic screaming part I kept to myself.
Exercise was one of the few times where I could generally keep out of my head. Just look at the poster on the wall in front of the treadmills and gallop. Gallop like there was no yesterday and no tomorrow. The only thing that mattered was my hooves hitting the belt and pushing forwards.
That was what I did until I couldn’t anymore. My body just wouldn’t keep going. I slowed to a walk so I could cool down.
Ponies continued to come and go as I worked out, and I recognized some of them from my class. Others were unfamiliar, but that didn’t matter, because they were all Royal Guards and they took care of their own. Even their small, skittish, blue own.
They’d come through when I was at my absolute worst. My wits end. Ponies that knew me might think I was there now, but I had been much, much worse. At least now I could relatively function on my own.
I hopped off the treadmill and headed into the showers. It was time to get clean, spruce up my coat, and then iron my uniform. The campus had all the facilities a guard would ever need and part of me wanted to move here.
Mindful Soul had said no to that, too. Well, she hadn’t actually said no so much as just looked at me and said, ‘I highly advise against that. You’d just make yourself a prisoner within the walls.’ She was probably right. Miss Smartyhooves.
The water felt good as it hit me. Unlike most of the other guards, my head barely made it over the stall wall so at the wrong angle it might look like the place was unoccupied with the water on. Inevitably, a mare would wander in and try to turn it off. That happened a lot. It was a large majority of my social interaction.
“Occupied,” I said softly as the door jiggled.
“Oops, sorry!”
It happened a lot.
My shower didn’t take long, just enough to get squeaky clean and then get out. While my coat and mane dried, I worked on my uniform. The ritual of doing so always made me feel calm. Actually, almost anything Royal Guard-related made me feel calm. It was purposeful and methodical. I liked both of those things. That was why I liked paperwork.
Paperwork was like a puzzle: find all the pieces of information, put them together, and create something that helps a pony. You could do it by luck, but if you had a method, it was easier. I’d always been good at puzzles and putting little pieces together. I’d helped my dad with watches and jewelry.
Now I’d take those skills and put them to use to make other pony’s lives better. My life might not be great, but theirs could be. If I worked hard enough, if I tried my best, I could help them. That was all I wanted to do: help ponies.
I’d help ponies like they’d helped me.