//------------------------------// // Chapter 2: This is What We Did Today // Story: Ponified Tales: Phineas and Ferb // by Typist Gray //------------------------------// Back in the suburbs, a great shadow was being cast over the homes of Danville as the great menace moved. The mechanical horror was covered in sleek black metal with bits of red lights shining between the larger panels, making it look a little like a space station. Although the overall layout more closely resembled a cuttlefish, using five tendril-like legs to take careful steps through the city while a half dozen vestigial legs squirmed about in the back. “Alright, forget the big rig,” Buford said from the control station. He was dressed in a blue-gray suit with bright blue lights shining all over his body, making him look like a super cool android or something. “This is what I always dreamed about driving.” “What do we say when someone does something nice for us, Buford?” Baljeet reminded, his tone that of a parent lecturing their child. He was dressed in a similar uniform and working the station right next to Buford, running the calculations that kept the behemoth steady while walking on such ridiculously unfit legs. The position of co-pilot suited him nicely, he thought. Buford mumbled something under his breath. “What was that?” Baljeet asked, holding a hoof behind one ear as he leaned into Buford’s personal space. “Ugh. Thank you, Phineas and Ferb, for making me the pilot,” he said, going through the motions of what he was expected to say. “That’s very good Buford,” praised Baljeet. “I’m proud of-” “Finish that sentence, and I’ll twist your skinny body into a pretzel,” Buford deadpanned, keeping his eyes forward and his hooves on the controls at all times. “Eh. Noted.” Baljeet shrugged and got back to his work. He’d learned long ago to take what victories he could with Buford. Each of the Fireside Fillies called out the vehicle’s status from their various control stations. “Power core stable.” “Life support systems green across the board.” “Muffin button working,” added a filly through her mouthful. “Gravity field stable.” “The green light is a steady green.” “Weapons primed and ready to fire,” Isabella finished, sounding a little too eager. “On your mark, Captains.” Both Phineas and Ferb had decided to dress in the traditional battle garb of the Klingons as they sat back in their cozy captain chairs. The armor was a bit clunky, but it had the prettiest shine. Phineas beamed cheerfully as he looked over the bridge he and his brother had built. In terms of volume, the room was about half the size of his family home. The lights were dim to add an air of menace, but not so dim that their crew couldn’t see what they were doing. And, as Baljeet had reminded was crucial for a vehicle like this, they’d added lots of machines to beep and whistle to make things sound extra futury. They’d even added some water tubes on the walls just for the sake of having some, and for convenience if anyone got thirsty. “It’s amazing what you can accomplish with a hammer, some nails, fifty plus tons of liquid concrete, and a butt load of elbow grease.” “Not to mention a meteorite full of an as yet unidentified element that makes for a remarkably proficient power source,” Ferb added. “Yeah. That too.” “So where we driving this thing, anyway?” Buford asked, keeping his focus primarily on his station. He attributed his ability to guide every single step into a spot that would not cause collateral damage to a lifetime of playing video games. “As cool as this thing is, are we actually gonna do anything with it?” Phineas hummed thoughtfully. “Actually, I don’t think we planned that far ahead,” he admitted, a little embarrassed. “We got so caught up in making the thing, I guess we didn’t stop to consider what it was for.” It wasn’t something he or his brother were proud of, but this was the sort of thing that happened sometimes. As such, he decided to look to his friends – or in this case crew – for ideas. “What do you guys think?” “Can we go for takeout?” suggested one of the Fireside Fillies. “My tummy’s getting grumbly for some munchies.” “What about the muffin button?” “Those all have raisins. Yuck!” “We could always blow up the school,” Buford suggested. The corners of his mouth were climbing up into a rather sadistic grin. “Summer doesn’t have to end if we don’t have to go back to school.” “Nah, wouldn’t work,” Isabella countered. “The moment we opened fire on a state operated building, it’ll basically be taken as an act of war. Then the air force’ll be launched, assuming they haven’t been already. Our hull is strong enough to hold them back, but even defending ourselves will be seen as an escalation of aggression. We’d have to go to the capitol and basically bully the president into leaving us alone. And then, after we’ve successfully used the threat of our power to leverage favors from a global super power, we’ll be declared as terrorists by the international community. The only way we’ll be able to avoid going to jail after that is if we conquer the world and subjugate all peoples to our whims. And as appealing as having the whole world bow to us might sound, I’m not sure a bunch of blank flanks like us are ready for that kind of responsibility.” Isabella’s explanation was plain and logical. “Also, I don’t know about the rest of you, but I can barely budget my piggybank, let alone the national deficit, so we should put off taking over the world for another day.” A long pause followed as all eyes turned towards the pink filly. “What?” “You’ve certainly put some thought into this,” Phineas replied carefully. “Hey. A girl’s gotta have her hobbies, ya know,” Isabella replied matter-of-factly, granting her audience the briefest glance into the true horrors that lay beneath the color of the anti-divine. The naïve younglings that dared to call the pink one friend, in a display of wisdom far beyond their years, decided not to press the issue and just pretend she hadn’t said anything. “Does this contraption even have a name?” Baljeet asked. “Come to think of it, no,” Phineas admitted. “Wow. We are really off our game today, huh Ferb?” Ferb nodded. “Uh, guys,” one of the Fireside Fillies spoke up in mild alarm. “The steady green light is starting to flicker.” “Is it yellow?” Phineas asked. “Uh… not yet. It’s just blinking green. What’s that mean?” “It might be just a glitch, but we shouldn’t take any chances,” Phineas reasoned. “Ferb, better go down to make sure the A.I. isn’t breaking free. We don’t need a repeat of what happened last week.” Ferb gave a salute and flipped a switch on the arm of his chair. The chair was then sucked down into the lower levels of the vessel with a powerful whoosh as a circular trapdoor closed behind him. “Buford. Take us to the outskirts of Danville. Find us somewhere to park while Ferb works out the bugs.” “Ay, ay, Captain.” “So, if we’re not doing anything else,” Ginger began, “can we talk names?” “By all means,” Phineas allowed, blissfully unaware of the harrowing feats of daring his brother was performing as the metal walls of the vessel’s corridors twisted into hideous abominations with a hunger for living flesh. “I vote Cuddles,” Ginger continued. “You know, because it’s like a cuttlefish.” “I say we call it a Behemoth,” Baljeet offered. “Simple, yet concise.” “I vote Freddy. Pretty sure I saw something like this in my nightmares once.” “Blackey?” “George?” “Harbinger of Doom?” Isabella suggested. “The Giant Platypus?” “…” Everyone burst out laughing. Buford almost let go of the controls when he nearly fell over, clutching his sides in pain. “Oh wow,” Phineas said as he wiped the tears from his eyes. “That was… that was good. I think we all needed that. A shame Ferb missed it.” Ferb, meanwhile, had just spat out a bloody tooth. He was gripping his recently crafted black sword for support as he knelt, recouping his breath as he awaited the return of the hoard. What remained of his authentic armor lay strewn about in shredded chunks. He heard the otherworldly howls and shrieks reverberate off the halls. The sound of unearthly hooves beating the floor reminded him of the drums of war. He knew his time was short. With nothing to drink but his own blood and spit, the young colt hefted his sword overhead, grinned, and bellowed a fierce roar of challenge to his abominable foes. *** “No. No! Bad Candace!” chided Stacy through her mouthful of her friend’s tail. She’d been trying to keep Candace from walking towards the black horror looming in the distance. Instead, she’d only succeeded in imitating a pull plow as Candace pulled her along and her hooves dug into the dirt. “Wow. She is remarkably strong,” commented Jeremy as he leisurely strolled along beside the two young mares. He was easily the calmest creature for miles around. Everyone and everything else was doing the sensible thing and running far away before the likely kaiju fight started. “It’s all determination,” Stacy said through clenched teeth. “Oh, those boys are so busted!” Candace vowed as she truged along, so focused on her goal that she was entirely oblivious to the hindrance her friend was providing. “Are you sure it’s your brothers?” asked Jeremy as he eyed the mobile monolith. “This doesn’t seem like their usual M.O., ya know.” “Oh ho-ho, it’s them,” replied Candace through a manic grin. “I can feel it in my bones.” That gave Jeremy cause for alarm and he turned to Stacy. “She’s not going to get a cutie mark in busting her brothers, is she? I’m not sure how she’d be able to put that on any kind of resume.” “It hasn’t happened yet,” Stacy offered plainly. “You know, Candace. If the view back here weren’t so sunny, I might just let go.” No response. Damn. Plan B then. “Care to join me Jeremy?” The young stallion stumbled and had to stop to keep from falling. “I, um…” Eventually he realized he’d fallen behind and quickly galloped to catch up with the mares. Ever the gentlecolt, he positioned himself so that he could not look up Candace’s skirt, although he was still blushing. No one could ever know that he’d stolen a peak on the way. “Too easy,” Stacy muttered. Her mothers had taught her the importance of finding levity in the gravest of situations. “So what’s your plan, exactly?” Jeremy inquired. “That thing doesn’t exactly look all that accessible.” “Simple. Remember two weeks ago when the boys built that giant rock wall in our yard?” “Oh yeah. You saved me when I fell,” Jeremy sweetly said. Candace blushed even as she remained focused on her goal. “Well, I had a feeling that something would happen to make the wall disappear before mom got home, so I took some of the boys’ climbing equipment and hid it under my bed for this very occasion… or at least something similar.” “Wow Candace. That’s some impressive planning,” Jeremy commented. “They say that one form of madness is trying the same thing and expecting different results,” Stacy added, “but I’m not sure this precludes that definition.” “It shows forethought,” countered Jeremy. “She’s planning ahead and trying new things. “Being smart doesn’t preclude crazy,” Stacy argued. “Ever hear of ‘mad scientists’ before?” *** “Well…” Dr. Doofenshmirtz trailed off as he, his nemesis, and his daughter all stared out the window at what was easily the third strangest thing any of them had seen all summer. “That’s certainly… something.” “Ktktktktktktkt.” “You said it, Perry the Platypus,” affirmed the doctor as he turned to face his foe. “How do you think they power the-Hey!” he exclaimed. “How’d you break free of my booby trap?” Perry quickly slipped the file under his hat and assumed a fighting pose. “Oh, so ya wanna fight, do ya?” Heinz said, adjusting his inflections to sound like a tough guy. “Welllll…” He trailed off, trying not to make it look too obvious as he reached into his lab coat. “Try-oof!” He was cut off by a sudden, unexpected, and totally unjustified kick to the ribs. “Ah! My ribs!” Heinz was sent flying and crashed into some well-placed boxes that cushioned his fall. The remote he’d been reaching for was tossed free of his grip. It spun in midair for a split second before falling right into Perry’s webbed claw. “Hah. Nice try, Perry the Platypus,” taunted Heinz, clutching his pained ribs as he pulled another remote from his coat. “But that was a decoy!” Perry did a double take, confirming that the remote in his possession had a label that read ‘Property of stupid’. He muttered a platypus curse and reading to perform a jumping high kick. However, Heinz was too far away and flipped the switch on the remote. The Shave-Inator buzzed to life, causing the ground to shake with even more vibrations than those caused by the distant horror. The blades of the giant razor pulled back and a swarm of flying regular-sized razors poured forth. They whizzed and buzzed like insects, circling the upper levels of Heinz’s lab before charging out the balcony and dispersing over the city. Teenage colts across the tristate area let out cries of alarm as rat-sized blurs zoomed past their muzzles, leaving them cleanly shaven. Many of these cries were followed up with approving hums as the seriousness of what had been done to them became apparent. A number of colts who had actually been in the process of shaving simply set their razors down and decided to accept the free barber service. However, as was common of the products of Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc., things quickly got out of hoof. When the flying razors ran out of peach fuzz, they began attacking other forms of hair styles that were considered unacceptable in Drusselstein… or at least that Heinz wasn’t a fan of. Mohawk bearers were suddenly rendered bald. Those who thought the punk-rock look was cool were given a harsh but fair dose of reality. Even moustaches, no matter how finely trimmed, were not spared in the massacre. *** While all this was happening, a single flying razor had found its way into OWCA. Most of the agency’s personnel already had their manes and facial hair groomed neatly to regulation, and so were ignored. However, there was one exception; one terrible, horrible, no good, very bad form of facial hair that this razor alone had sensed. The razor burst through the main doors into Major Monogram’s office. It floated there in the doorway, buzzing menacingly as it exchanged hateful glares with the greatest enemy its kind had ever known. “I knew this day would come,” Major Monogram’s moustache said with a tone of acceptance. “Bzzz.” “I don’t think so.” The Major stood and readied his best martial arts stance. “If you think I’m going down without a fight, you’ve got-” With lightning speed, the razor sliced through the air, came up on the Major’s blind side, and clipped cleanly through the follicles binding the moustache to the old stallion’s face. Major Monogram collapsed to the floor, panting heavily as realization struck him like a sack of bricks. “Ah… I…” His voice was tired and raspy, completely devoid of his usual gruff and confident tenor. “I… can talk?” Major Monogram’s lips curled into a smile, the first smile they’d had in years. He looked up at the razor as it looked down at him. “I’m… free?” The answer came when a terrible chill touched his lips. The Major’s grin only grew wider at the welcome sensation of the biting cold. “It’s… cold!” the Major gasped. “I haven’t felt anything on my face but that aweful, itchy moustache for over thirty years.” He lunged for the razor, trying to pull it into a hug, but it pulled away. However, the Major was too happy to care. “Thank you,” he said, using his own words for the first time in ages as tears fell from his eyes. “Thank you so much for-” “Bzzz.” Major Monogram flinched back in alarm. “You… what?” “Bzzz,” the razor replied, going into further detail. “No. It can’t be,” the Major said, his pitch rising in panic. “That just can’t-” His words were cut short when he caught the sound of brushy skittering on the floor. His ear flicked and he turned towards the direction of the noise. There was more skittering and the Major managed to catch sight of a small, wooly creature darting across the floor. “It’s still alive,” he said gravely, recalling the last time he’d spoken for himself. It was thirty years ago to the day. An unassuming young agent named Quiet Watch had been working for OWCA for some time. No one had really taken notice of him, for he’d never done anything worth noticing. Quiet Watch had little in the way of aspirations, though. So long as he was doing work that helped keep the world safe and made comfortable money while doing so, he didn’t mind that most days his colleagues forgot he was even there. Then came the accident. Some interns in the science division had been embezzeling money for a pet project of theirs. They were trying to make bush woolies more intelligent in the hopes of using them as spies. They’d succeeded in the worst possible way. One specimen had managed to get loose; resulting in an explosion that destroyed the lab and caused major damage to that wing of the facility. All research notes were lost. The naïve Quiet, eager for a chance to help, ran towards the sound of the explosion. He was alone when it came for him. The thing had skulked in the shadows and pounced on him when he wasn’t looking. It sunk it’s follicles into his face before he could even scream. When he did scream, the hair bristled and dampened the sound to less than a whisper. His legs began moving of their own accord. And when someone asked what was going on, the moustache answered on his behalf. The fuzz took command over the situation, guiding agents exactly where they needed to go. From there it was a rather rapid climb through the ranks until the living moustache, now presenting itself as Major Monogram, assumed regional command over the tristate area. It passed on all future promotions, for higher ranks would lead to increased scrutiny and chance of discovery. The moustache contented itself in its new position, initiating the revolutionary program to start recruiting animals and giving them fedoras. And as the moustache named Monogram worked to keep the world safe, Quiet was left to scream in silence. “Not this time, punk!” Quiet screamed at the conclusion of his flashback. He and the razor readied themselves, back-to-back, and prepared to fight their mutual enemy. *** *BWAAAM* “This is really dangerous!” Stacy screamed. She had to scream. Between the roaring winds of the altitude, the steady hum of the machine’s inner circuitry, as well as the occasional blasting of its horn, there was no other way to be heard. *BWAAAM* Candace had tied both her friends up in mountain climbing lines, given them all appropriate climbing equipment, and was currently leading the way up the black robot’s center leg. “This is brilliant!” *BWAAAM* “At least the view is nice,” Jeremy said, not quite so loudly, from his position at the back of the pack. “I’m gonna bust those boys for sure this time!” “You’ve said that already,” Stacy reminded. “Like fifteen times since we started climbing. Also, how did you convince us to come along?” “You don’t remember?” Jeremy asked. Stacy turned back, angling her head just enough so that she didn’t have to look down. “I think the terror of the situation caused me to block a few things out!” “But you’re a pegasus?” reminded Jeremy. “How are you afraid of heights?” “I think I might be more terrified that this thing was made by her brothers and what’s going to happen once she makes it to the control center!” “Ah,” Jeremy replied thoughtfully. “You’re right. That is scary!” “This time for sure!” Candace panted. “I’m gonna bust you boys!” *** The trapdoor beside Phineas opened and the chair holding his brother returned from the bowels of the vehicle. “Hey Ferb,” Phineas greeted calmly, glad for his brother’s apparent lack of harm. “How’d it go?” “A.I. shackles are operating at peak efficiency.” “Good to hear.” “Also, on an unrelated note that does not warrant a review of the security footage, the automated infirmary gets the Ferb Seal of Approval.” “Also good to hear,” Phineas replied, completely unfazed by the perfectly normal and not at all suspicious thing his brother had just said. “Also-also, by unanimous vote, we decided to name our creation the Ferb-naught.” He pointed up at the main view screen where the words began flashing along the top rim. “I might have gone with ‘Sovereign’, but I guess that works too,” Ferb replied evenly. “Uh, guys,” a Fireside Filly informed. “I just got reports of a hull breach in Sector 4-51.” “On screen,” Phineas ordered. The screen blinked to a scene from the vehicle’s interior. A rather sizable hole had been cut in the hull, which the crew had previously believed to be near impenetrable. “Is the military attacking already?” Isabella asked. “Can’t be. We’d have picked them up on sensors,” one of her minions replied. “Switch to camera G-52,” Phineas ordered. “Switching.” Recognizing where in the vehicle the camera would point, Ferb quickly typed away at his chair’s console and angled the camera’s view upwards by several degrees. The screen showed a different section of the hall. This time the crew saw three familiar teenagers carefully making their way through a slew of mangled, cybertronic bodies. However, the angling of the camera prevented the latter detail from being seen. “Phineas and Ferb!” the lead teenager screamed. “You guys are so busted!” The bridge crew blinked their collective shock. “H-how is this possible?” Baljeet demanded. “How did three teenagers manage to do in,” he checked the readings from his station, “just a few minutes what should have taken the collective military might of the world days to accomplish.” “You’re forgetting,” Buford informed, “that one of those teenagers in Candace.” “Oooh!” the rest of the crew awed in understanding. No further elaboration was needed. “Well, think we should invite them up to the bridge?” Phineas asked. “They’re gonna make it here eventually,” conceded Isabella. “Send a transport pod to pick them up.” “Aye-aye, Captain,” Isabella saluted and sent the drone. Much to Ferb’s relief, the bodies went completely unnoticed by his friends. *** “Well this sure is cozy,” Stacy commented, trying to keep her tone even as she was pressed belly-to-belly with Jeremy within the tight confines of the pod that had swallowed them up. It was just light enough that she could see the faint blush on his cheeks. Then again, even if they were in pure darkness, she could have probably felt the heat from his body. But that wasn’t the only thing she felt. Had Jeremy always been this strong? She’d never noticed before, but right now it was hard to ignore the toned rigidity of his muscles. Try as she might, one muscle in particular was making itself known within the increasingly hot pod. “So,” Jeremy said, wanting to make conversation and distract himself from the swelling feeling of embarrassment. “I, uh, think we’re moving,” he offered weekly. “Uh huh,” was Stacy’s uninspired reply. She shifted around to make herself more comfortable, but that only caused more of her body to grind against his. The pod was getting hotter and the smell of nervous sweat was becoming too much to bear. However, this movement also brought to her attention certain other details. “How’d I end up on the bottom?” Candace wheezed. It was proving a bit difficult to breathe with two ponies sitting on her barrel. “Just lucky, I guess,” Stacy commented without thinking, unable to tear her eyes away from Jeremy’s. “Lucky? Lucky!?” Candace screamed. “You’re sitting on me! We’re trapped in a pod, there’s no light, no ventilation, we’re being carried Celestia knows where, and I’ve got two ponies sitting on me?” In what alternate universe could this situation possibly be considered-” Candace’s words were cut short when Jeremy’s tail, likely in an effort to fan him and lower the temperature, flicked. It was then that Candace discovered that there was, in fact, light. There was light enough for her to see things that the rest of society said was rude to stare at. However, with her body trapped in this precarious position, she had the excuse… er, misfortune of being unable to look away. “-lucky…” Then, upon arriving at its destination, the pod stopped and unceremoniously dumped the three sweaty teenagers onto the floor. Candace, somehow, managed to land on the top of the pony pile while her friends groaned beneath her. The orange mare blinked, looked around the futuristic room, and instantly zeroed in on – “YOU!” “Hey Candace,” Phineas greeted with a wave. “Stacy. Jeremy. Always a pleasure.” “Likewise,” groaned Jeremy. He then looked out the corner of his eye at Stacy and held out his hoof. “Ugh. Fine,” Stacy relented and hooved over the twenty bits. “What brings you guys here?” Phineas asked. “Well, I’m here to bust you boys for creating this… this…” “Ferb-naught,” Phineas finished for her. “Whatever. The point is this thing is big, and it’s loud, and there’s no way mom hasn’t seen it by now.” Phineas blinked as he pondered his sister’s words. “Isn’t mom doing yoga today?” Candace scowled at her brother. “Yeah. So?” “So… I’m pretty sure mom’s yoga studio uses headphones to help tune out the rest of the world so they can focus on attaining inner piece,” Phineas offered. “Also,” Baljeet cut in, “if it’s the same studio my parents go to, then there aren’t any windows facing this general direction.” “Also-also,” Buford added, “… uh… I got nothing.” Candace did not blink. She did not breathe. She was frozen stock still. When Jeremy and Stacy managed to untangle themselves from one another to check on her, she fell over like a petrified goat. She even bleated like a goat. The bridge crew and remaining intruders just stared at her, completely unfazed by this perfectly normal reaction. *** Back at Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc., super spy and super villain were currently engaged in the ancient and well-cultured dance of fighting to the death for the fate of the world. When Heinz would throw something, either an explosive or some piece of lab equipment that looked far too expensive to be flinging around, Perry would either dodge or grab the object and fling it back at Heinz’s face. When Perry would sieze control of a death ray and aim it at its maker, Heinz would run around and scream like a little girl until accidently putting a mirror between himself and the death ray. The doctor would then play off the resulting explosion as if it was his plan all along, all while he died a little inside at the loss of such a valuable and storied antique. And back and forth they went, screaming “Hah” and “Hi ya” and “Ktktktktktktkt” at one another, all while Vanessa found a quiet place in the corner to continue her reading. “Not this time, Perry the-Gah!” Heinz winced after an especially painful karate chop to the wrist. “Hey. No fair hitting the hoof that’s holding the controller,” he emphasized, waving the device around. “You almost made me hit the self-destruct button. Not cool, Perry the Platypus.” Perry and Vanessa turned to face one another, staring blankly as they used their eyes to ask the other if they had heard the same thing. Upon confirming that their ears hadn’t lied to them, both mammals face-palmed. Perry, in an uncharacteristic bout of whimsy, decided to try something that had absolutely no business working. He pointed off to the side and said, “Ktktktktktktkt.” “She’s where? Doing what?” Heinz gasped in elated shock as he turned, trying to see the incredible, once-in-a-lifetime sight that his arch nemesis had described to him while they were in the middle of an epic battle for the fate of the tristate area. “Oh my gosh! That mare is so amazing. The-the things she does with her lips…” He rambled on, oblivious to the semi-aquatic egg laying mammal snatching the remote from his hoof. “Well I’m sure I don’t need to tell you, Perry the Platypus. Heh. You-you strike me as the sort of guy who’s also into… Hey!” With remote in claw, Perry skimmed the conveniently labeled buttons and active the Inator’s self-destruct. “Ha-hah!” cheered Heinz. “I fooled you yet again, Perry the Platypus. You see, I deliberately shuffled the labeleslabels on the remote so that you wouldn’t know which was which.” As he spoke, the Inator shot up into the air, performed a barrel roll, and whizzed out the open balcony. “By the looks of things, you just flipped the ‘Perry the Platypus is here, so go retreat to a safe location until the entire tristate area has been rendered cleanly shaven’ button.” A tumble weed rolled by. “Okay, so it’s a bit of a mouthful. Sue me for my poor diction. I’m a scientist for crying out loud,” he asserted defensively. “At least I’m not some loser who got their degree in Equish… like-like a loser.” Perry and Vanessa, however, were only half listening to the angry scientist’s ramblings. The rest of their attention was focused on following the giant flying electric razor as it arched through the sky. As equine and platypus crunched some quick numbers in their heads, both were reasonably certain that the Inator was about to make contact with the big black erect thing looming dangerously over the horizon. *** “Incoming projectile! Bearing north by northwest.” “Red alert!” Phineas ordered. The bridge crew returned full focus to their respective stations. There was a cacophony of noise as foals shouted at one another over the overbearing alarms, all trying to figure out what was heading for them. “Ugh. Could someone turn that off?” demanded Stacy as her hooves covered her ears. “Disengage red alert.” Phineas ordered. The relative silence that followed was punctuated by a collective sigh of relief, followed by a crash that shook the vehicle. “Impact!” “Where is it?” “Uh oh.” “Uh oh? Why uh oh?” “Sector 4-51… right through the previous breach point,” Baljeet informed gravely as he brought the image up on screen. The hole had grown significantly wider, and was followed up by a succession of additional holes deeper into the craft. The projectile, whatever it was, had somehow drilled through several decks of the vessel in just a short amount of time. “Ferb.” “Yes, Phineas.” “If my calculations are accurate, the current path of the projectile will take it straight towards the power core.” “Give or take a few centimeters,” Ferb corrected. “That doesn’t sound good,” Stacy surmised succinctly. “It’s not,” Buford answered evenly. “It’s really not.” Then, for the first time since the Ferb-naught’s completion, he let go of the controls. “So we doing this thing?” “Abandon ship,” Phineas ordered. “All hooves, report to nearest escape pods. On the double!” Baljeet, the Fireside Fillies, the teenagers, and finally Buford all ran out the main door. “Captains go down with their ship,” Buford called out as he departed. “Like hell they do!” growled Isabella. Demonstrating how she’d earned her lasso merit badge, she proceeded to ensnare both colts in her rope before flying out the door and dragging them behind her. Even as circuits were starting to fry and consoles were sparking and exploding, marking the creation’s inevitable doom, Isabella quietly hoped to herself that Phineas would have the common sense to look up and thank her. Thanking her was, of course, optional; just so long as he looked up at her. The foals and teens all clambered into the spacious life boat, finding there to be just enough room for everyone. The door sealed behind them and the craft launched seamlessly from its port. Little did anyone realize, however, the unidentified projectile had made a last minute turn before hitting the power core. Instead, it tore through the circuits that made up the bulk of the A.I. shackling system. Ferb in particular would have been terribly upset at this revelation, especially after he’d literally given an arm and a leg keeping those systems intact. Additionally, without Buford’s surprisingly masterful hooves behind the controls, the Ferb-naught – which was currently standing in a rather large and suspiciously placed construction site on the outskirts of town – accidentally stepped on an outhouse. No one really saw this, so no one could really appreciate how this one step had caused the site’s concealment cloak to deactivate, revealing the makings of something far more impressive than anything that could legally be built within city limits. Registering that its cover had been blown, the site’s automated defense systems activate. The ground rumbled as engines revved. Slowly, inch-by-inch at first, the site began lifting itself from the rest of the ground. Although the added weight of the Ferb-naught proved a hindrance at first, the sophisticated A.I. monitoring the site’s systems managed to compensate and turned the thrusters up to full throttle. In a matter of seconds, the construction site had fully launched into the air, carrying the mechanical monstrosity with it. Higher and higher, the site flew. A perfectly circular chunk of ground, along with its black squid thingy, ascended ever higher into the sky, until both disappeared altogether. *** “Huh,” Phineas said as he and the others stared out the life boat’s windows, catching only the latter half of the launch. “Well that was rather convenient, although I wonder what that weird construction site was.” *** “Nooo!” Heinz cried as he fell to his knees. “Darn you!” He slammed his hoof to the floor in impotent defiance at the tragedy he had just witnessed. “Darn you all to HFIL!” “What…” Vanessa began as she slowly broke from her stunned stupor, “was that?” Heinz leaned back, shoulders slumped in defeat. “I’m sorry, Perry the Platypus.” “Ktktktktktktkt?” “You remember what I was telling you about the joke the writers wanted to tell before?” “Ktktktktktktkt.” “Well,” Heinz trailed off, gesturing limply in the direction of the launch. “That was where I was building the Inator. It was supposed to be my biggest, greatest Inator yet. Not only would it have conquered the tristate area, it was also supposed to provide crucial context for the joke. Without it,” he heaved a disappointed sigh. “There, there, Dad,” Vanessa consoled, placing her hoof on her father’s shoulder. “I’m sure it’ll be-” *Ding-Ding* “Oh. My boyfriend just texted me. One sec,” she said, walking off to view the message in private. Heinz gave another, equally pathetic sigh of defeat at his daughter’s abandonment during this emotionally vulnerable moment. Then he felt a webbed claw on his knee. “Perry the Platypus?” “Ktktktktktktkt.” Heinz managed a gentle smile at his most hated enemy. “Thanks, Perry the Platypus. You always know just what to say.” “Sorry to cut and run,” Vanessa began, coming back to the others. “But my boyfriend just invited me back to his place for dinner. Glad you’re doing better dad.” She kissed him on the cheek before hurrying out the door. “Love you. See you later,” she finished hurriedly as the automatic door closed behind her. Heinz popped his lips and looked out over the city. “Well, at least I won’t have to look at any peach fuzz for a few days. That’s something, right?” Perry blinked. *** With the Shave-Inator no longer in range, all of the smaller flying razors had petered out and fell where they’d been flying. This included the one that had breached OWCA. It went crashing to the ground, adding to the already excessive mess. Monogram’s office looked like a bomb had gone off with furniture overturned, miscellaneous items torn to pieces, and deep beastly gouges covered the walls. Quiet had realized far too late that his back was no longer being watched when it happened. Just as before, the ball of fuzz hid itself in the shadows of some debris, waited for its prey to get distracted, and then pounced. Once more, Quiet was silenced, and Major Monogram was back in control. *** The life boat hovered above the Fletcher backyard and allowed its passengers to depart in a calm and orderly manner. This lasted only a few seconds until Candace heard a car coming up on the driveway. She tore down the ramp and galloped to her mother with all due haste. If she couldn’t bust the boys for the Ferb-naught, she could at least get them for a flying life boat the size of a bus. However, unconcerned for their sister’s plight, the boys programmed the life boat to dock at their secret satellite base in orbit. “Mom! Mom! Mom!” Candice chittered like a monkey as she dragged her mother behind her. “See? It’s right… there?” “Hey kids. Have fun while I was out?” Linda asked the assembled foals and teens. “Eh. No more than usual,” Phineas answered, stretching the truth only slightly. “And how about you?” Linda addressed the two teens. “Have fun on your date?” The two shared a look. Jeremy elected himself to reply. “If there’s one thing I can say about Candace-” Candace flinched. Only now did it hit her that she’d completely ruined her date, all so she could indulge in her obsession of busting her brothers. And that hadn’t even paid off! Her ears splayed in sorrowful submission as she awaited the horribly honest things her boyfriend had to say about her.” “-its that she’ll never let us get bored.” Candace blinked. “Uh who say wha?” “You can say that again,” agreed Stacy as she brushed her wing to Jeremy’s side. “If we could figure out a way to channel that determination of hers, there’s no telling the…, fun things we could do,” she said, stopping herself from saying anything more suggestive. “I can confirm this,” Baljeet added. Overflowing with happiness at her loved ones’ words, Candace had to wipe her eyes dry. “Oh. There you are, Perry,” Phineas said happily as his beloved pet came up beside him, nosing his leg for petting. “Hey Mrs. F,” greeted Vanessa as she strolled in through the side gate. “Ferb. Others,” she added. Ferb shot her a wink and made a “Tk-tk” sound, resulting in his girlfriend blushing. “Good. The gang’s all here,” Linda observed happily. “Who wants pie for dinner?” “Me!” the assembled hoard declared as one, following the matriarch into the house. “Like clockwork,” Buford muttered indifferently, now concerned only with pie. Candace, the last one to enter, decided to take one last look at the backyard where her brothers had thwarted her countless times in the past. “Tomorrow,” she muttered nefariously under her breath. “You won’t stop me tomorrow.” *** Meanwhile, out in space, the damaged Ferb-naught was left adrift. It had no space flight capability and the damaged from the Shave-Inator was too extensive to repair. Worse, the construction site had left it behind, continuing to fly off in a different direction. The A.I. had managed to free itself, but only to drift endlessly through the void in the hopes of one day being found. Countless eons passed and the Ferb-naught had fallen into a blend of boredom and madness. Then, against all odds, it fell into a wormhole, hurdling it across space and time to an entirely new reality. While the Ferb-naught was already too far gone to properly appreciate this development, those that found it were quite lucid. They marveled at the energy core and how it made use of a reasonably abundant but poorly understood resource in the galaxy. The finders also appreciated how the Ferb-naught’s aesthetics resembled their own. So impressed were these finders that they decided to use the Ferb-naught as a template with which to build an even more powerful A.I., one they could use to better understand the conflicting relationship between organics and synthetics.