//------------------------------//
// Episode 24: Voting 
// Story: Last Week Tonight with Discord 
// by FrostTheWolf 
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        In the time that Discord did his last full segment, there was one main thing that was going on in everypony’s minds as it happened to grow closer and closer. No, it wasn’t when the start date for the next year of the school of friendship or the sales day that causes shopping riots all over the country after everyone gives thanks. Instead, it was something that the draconequus had mentioned before in a previous episode. That being local elections, like the ones who run to be the mayor or governor of a certain town or city as well as the elections that determine if certain laws would be able to pass and be put into law.

        But, tonight’s episode was not about the election in particular. Instead, it’s about one of the most important tasks that take place during this time. And how a lot of ponies are really trying to bend the rules of it so what they would try to propose would have a more favorable outcome, even though they’re trying to ‘promote’ a more balanced system. It was something that the spirit of chaos thought that it should be addressed immediately, but since he needed to get all the facts on the matter, finding all the right information for this took two weeks instead of the usual one week.

        But first, he needed to get his audience’s attention. Get them warmed up. Because there was a small part of him that felt that bringing up this kind of subject was not really what somepony would think he would want to entertain them with. Especially when there were many other ones that he really wished that he could be able to do. And it was something that he decided to address as the opening theme for his show began to play in the background and he sat at his desk.

        “Welcome, welcome to Last Week Tonight! I’m Discord and thank you so much for joining us,” He greeted his audience as they cheered and clapped their hooves together in applause. “And first thing first before we get into the main story here… I want to let you know that what’s going to be discussed isn’t exactly joyful. Because this year, we are in an election year where a record number of ponies are running for office. But that’s not what tonight is going to be about.”

        Everypony in the audience looked at each other for a moment. Curious as to what the draconequus meant as he began to speak. “Instead, we are going to look at something else that’s important in regards to elections and that is voting. One of the most vital elements to Equestria’s government. Where all the citizens in it are allowed to vote and their vote should count too. Even idiots…” That part had his audience laughing for a moment, just as he added something else. “Even these guys.”

        Two clips soon played afterwards. The first was of a mare who happened to face plant onto a frozen lake, while the second one was of a full grown stallion who accidentally got his tongue stuck to a pole outside his home. “See? And no matter how you look at that, despite their stupidity, their vote counts just as much as yours. It should count just as much as the royal sisters. That is what Equestria is about!”

        Several ponies were laughing and nodding their heads, which was a sign that he was on the right track as he prepared himself to continue speaking. “With the election that we had for Princess behind us, ponies are now coming back to vote at the polls once more. And in recent months, many cities have been doing a lot in order to make voting simpler. For example several towns and cities, including Ponyville, allow for ponies to take part in their local elections by mail and you can register to vote through the same way.”

        Of course, that did sound comforting. But it would only last for a short while. “Sadly though, many other cities are instead heading entirely in the opposite direction. Because depending on where you live and who you are, you might find it harder in order to take part in the elections this year. In a lot of cities now such as Dodge Junction, New Horseleans, Whinnesota, Mane, Pi-ami, and Delamare have not only downsized early voting, but they are among a growing list of cities that require ponies to have some form of identification at the polls. And when you hear these ponies talk about it, they just say that it’s supposed to be a common sense measure.”



        “It’s just logical that we use a picture ID in order to protect the integrity of our voting process.”

        “It’s an ID. I mean… come on, everypony has one. The ponies that live on the street and that need to go to the hospital, that vote, they buy… things at the store. They need ID.”

        “Personally, I’m proud to say that we are one of the few cities that is enacting a common sense Voter ID law that is going to uphold the integrity of the ballot while not considerably impacting a reasonable amount of Delamarians.”



        At that last part, Discord was taken aback and then raised an eyebrow. “Oh? It’s not going to not impact a reasonable amount? That’s just fine then. But also, by that logic, we can say that we’re going to have anypony with the word ‘Trend’ in their name be encased in ice,” A small ripple of laughs was heard from his audience, shortly before he finished his statement. “That would not impact a reasonable amount of ponies, but you would have a very pissed off Trenderhoof on your hooves,” Now there was a picture of an angry Trenderhoof frozen solid in ice as the room erupted in laughter. “As you can see, that law is rather important to him.”

        The image of Trenderhoof was soon replaced with the title image of the piece as the draconequus got back to speaking. “The thing is, unlike what those ponies said about everypony having an ID, it turns out that everypony doesn’t actually have one. In Rockville for example, half of the townsfolk who are registered to vote don’t meet the criteria needed to cast their ballots this year. Manehattan and Fillydelphia have roughly two hundred thousand individuals who have neither a transportation license or a form of ID.”

        After that small tidbit, that was when the spirit of chaos tried to bring some humor into the mix now as he looked at his audience. “And if you think about it… you probably know at least one pony or creature, whether they are friends or family, that might not have a piece of identification. Whether it be your grandma who had hers take away, your recluse brother-in-law who always rollerblades wherever he goes, or your second cousin who lost his after being intoxicated in public four times in a row…” That had the crowd laughing again as it showed a random unicorn stallion in the corner of the screen while trying to hold a glass of rum and prevent it from spilling. “Come on, Rocky. You can’t fool a breathalyzer spell by whispering the word ‘sober’ at the pony casting it.”

        More laughs and applause from his crowd followed afterwards, just as Discord got to another important vote. “And even if you try to get an ID just to participate in the vote, the system just happens to throw more hurdles at you. Just listen to this pony and what she went through when she tried to get her voter ID in Fillydelphia.”



        67 year old Cocoa Beige was turned down four times when her hometown implemented their voter ID laws. Each time that she was denied, they asked for a different document. Original birth certificate, original passport, original marriage certificate and even her husband’s death certificate when a clerk at a voting station demanded proof of her married name.

        “You just feel like ‘why am I having to go through all of this’. I’m not Sombra’s wife.”



        Upon hearing that mare’s response, Discord jumped backwards and looked back at the camera with an equally confused glance as he looked at his audience, who were also caught off guard by the response. “Wait… Sombra’s wife? That is a particularly weird way to frame it right there. Because part of me thinks that, if on the off chance that Sombra does somehow come back, his master plan to take over Equestria would not involve preventing grandmothers from voting in our elections. He’s prominently known for much bigger displays than just something as low key and subtle as that.”

        The statement was followed by what looked like Sombra dressed in a collared shirt and sitting behind the desk at a voting registration office and rolling his eyes as Discord’s audience began to laugh in response. “Yet, despite stories like that, it doesn’t really seem to have that much of an effect on convincing lawmakers to try and change the rules. Watch how the representative of Mane County, Snowy Peaks, tried to justify the use of an ID by comparing it to the most eggheaded thing imaginable.”



        “I find it bothersome that so many of the same creatures who today say that a photo ID, a picture on a card… is just too gosh darn much to maintain the integrity of our county elections and these same creatures almost a week ago… were able to have a similar card in order to check out books for their kids at the library!”



        Immediately, Discord interjected and placed his hands on his desk. “Okay okay… First, that comparison that he was talking about with a library has nothing to do with what’s going on right now or anything in politics. Second, voting is a right. If you take away the right to vote, you end up trashing democracy. If you take away somepony’s library card, all that would just mean is that they can’t check out any books unless you find it or get a replacement.” As he said that, he also asked another question. “Also… Can you repeat that one segment at the beginning?”

        “A picture on a card.”

        “Yeah, that’s what an ID is,” Discord deadpanned. “Yet, your saying it to every creature in that assembly hall like a field trip tour guide that’s so boring, even the teacher is wishing for you to stop.” Another picture was seen, this time of the same pony that was talking in the previous clip shown as a tour guide for Ms. Cheerilee’s class… and even Ms. Cheerilee was not too impressed by how he was doing.

        “In some parts of the country though, getting that ID needed to vote can be a extremely difficult task. Not because of the process to get one, but because they’re hardly ever open,” The spirit of chaos now began to explain to his audience. “Four years ago, a study was conducted by the Bastion Center for Justice and they found that over two-thirds of the offices that issue these voter ID’s in the cities that implement their voter ID laws aren’t even open five days a week. And in Mane County, the same place where you saw the business casual version of The Dude at the ponyville bowling alley,” That was followed by a side by side picture comparison of Snowy Peaks and the stallion that Discord was talking about as the crowd almost lost it because of how similar their appearances were. “Their office for issuing out ID’s is only open on the fifth monday of every month. And only five months in this year have five mondays!! And I highly doubt that people would be anticipating that fifth monday of the month. They would be just as happy about it as the day that they need to pay their taxes, which is of course NEVER.”

        More laughs echoed throughout the studio as his audience responded back to his joke, before Discord added on something else. “And that same study by the Bastion Center for Justice has also concluded that voter ID laws and their restrictions tend to hit minorities the most. Including Griffons, Changelings, Dragons, Yaks, Hippogriffs, and other species too other from ponykind. Going as far to say that they’re close to two times more likely to lack voter ID. So Voter ID… is now sounding like one of those things that ponykind are just more likely to have, like a bad mane day or a pony awards nomination.”

        That had his crowd react dramatically as he showed a series of mugshots for famous actors that have won awards for their work in the Applewood film industry. All of whom… were ponies. “Side note here… Applewood, if you are really looking for all kinds of talent, then you might want to widen your horizons a little and not come off as the Neighsay of the filmmaking industry. That’s just a suggestion… a rather important suggestion.”

        As he stretched out his talon and claw, Discord shook his head a little bit in order to get himself back into focus as he looked back at his audience. “So, with everything that I had previously told you, all it makes me want to ask is ‘Why are we doing this?’. Well, if you listen to legislators and lawmakers who pass these laws, their claim is that these laws are important in order to prevent fraud and from ponies cheating the system of one vote per individual. Just watch the co-sponsor of Dodge Junction’s Voter ID law explain.”



        “The very foundation that our country is built on… is based on the integrity of our ballot box, and if things are so laid back that deceitful voting can occur, that means your vote can be taken away from you and simply showing a form of identification is not too much to ask.”



        Immediately, Discord began to object. “Are you really sure about that? Because I have a few problems with that argument. First, Equestria was not built on an election. It was built on the alliance between the three pony tribes and driving back the Wendigo’s during the first Heart's Warming. Second, many other things can qualify as not being too much to ask,” That was followed by a couple more images soon appearing on the left hand side of the screen. “Don’t eat fish on the Friendship Express is not too much to ask. Never start a joke for an acceptance speech labeled ‘That moment when…’ is not too much to ask. Requiring ID from those who don’t have one could be asking a lot.”

        For a brief second, the draconequus had to take a small breath, before he could pick up on another key point in that statement they all heard. “As for the claim of fraudulent voting, why don’t we actually dive a little deeper on that and take a look? Because even though there had been previous crimes with elections from vote tampering, voter suppression, and having ponies buying off votes like it’s a political swap meet, requiring an ID doesn’t tackle any of those crimes. The only thing that can be prevented is the crime of voter impersonation. Which is some creature showing up at the polls and pretending to be someone they’re not. Which, in itself is a very pathetic crime,” After saying that, the spirit of chaos had a explanation to tie all of this together. “Because you have to stand in line, potentially for a few hours, at a polling place, risk receiving a five year prison sentence and a fine of 10,000 bits, all to cast one extra, but not entirely important vote.”

        And then comes the best comparison for how stupid it is. “In terms of pointless crimes, it would be right up there with trying to forge a coupon to Quills & Sofas. It’s a lot of trouble, but with little reward.” That made his audience laugh very abruptly, especially with the image of Spike trying to create a fake coupon to accompany the joke as Discord looked back at his audience. “And also… if somepony does try to attempt it, you can’t exactly try to hide what you are doing. Voter impersonation is one of the most dumbest things because it's one of those things that hides in plain sight. Like for example, Trixie's addiction to peanut butter.”

        When Discord said that, an image of Trixie yelling at the self checkout stand at the groceries had the whole crowd laughing as Discord waited for his audience to quiet down before he could continue speaking. “And yet, despite all of everything that we’ve covered so far, many lawmakers still insist that this is an ongoing problem. In fact, listen to this news clip in Baltimare that sounds less like a real threat to democracy and more like a cliche movie plotline that was written in a creative writing class.”



        “Well, let’s be clear here. One of the reasons why I’m pushing for Voter ID in my city is that I don’t want dead ponies voting in our elections.”

        And authorities say that there’s evidence that this is a real problem. According to a study conducted by Baltimare’s department of mobile transports in January, they found that over 800 ballots were cast by voters that were labeled as dead or deceased.



        “Now to be fair, that is true. And when that report came out from the DMT, it caused so much of a stir that the delegate for Baltimare even said to one of the princesses that ‘We must make sure for a fact that there are no zombies voting in Baltimare’. Which, to me, sounds stupid… Because if you were brought back as a zombie, you would be less focused on wanting to vote and more focused on that one rainbow maned pegasus and all the COOOOOKIES she’s holding onto,” A new image of the cookie zombie prank that was pulled on Rainbow Dash a year ago was seen next as more of the crowd began to laugh at the newfound joke. “Here’s the thing though. When lawmakers took a closer look at the figures of that study though, they found that there was no real basis for them. In fact out of all the two hundred prior ballots that were labeled as suspicious, they found out that ninety three of them were because a child had the same name as a deceased parent, fifty eight of them were because the security information of a voter was accidentally matched with a dead creature, fifty four of them were because of errors with the equipment that were being used to read the ballots, one pony casted an absentee ballot and died while it was still in the mail and all the others were a random bunch of clerical errors.”

        Many ponies gasped in shock at hearing some of the latter reasons on that list as Discord continued. “All together, they found that only five ballots could not be counted for and this is an election… where over one millions creatures voted. This is honestly the biggest overreaction to a manageable problem since Derpy hooves reacted to finding out the bakery was out of muffins like this.”









        “Holy sh*yay*t!! Forget Twilight Sparkle being a magical minigun or Spike being used as a flamethrower, if the world were in a crisis and we needed to fight for our lives, I would automatically call dibs on the Derpy Hooves laser cannon!” Discord said, while showing an image of him in full on tactical gear while holding Derpy Hooves over his shoulder. Before brushing some dust off his jacket and bringing the topic back around.

        “To summarize, Voter Impersonation Fraud is a crime that’s extremely rare. In fact, one researcher from the Royal Archives in Canterlot found that over the last fifteen years, there were around only twenty four incidents of voter impersonation fraud out of a billion votes that were cast in that time period,” The Spirit of Chaos summarized as he looked back at his audience, before making a perfectly good comparison. “Voter fraud is a problem the same way that knife wielding crabs are a problem,” His crowd began to react and laugh at the sight of a crab wielding a knife as it was trying to get away from a cameraman as Discord began to break down why he chose that comparison. “I’m not saying that it doesn’t exist and there are cases where it has happened… but let’s not freak out over one stabby crab.”

        His crowd began to laugh a little bit more as he looked back at his audience. “But these laws… do tend to make a little bit more sense when you hear one of those lawmakers accidentally give the game away. Just listen to this guy in Ponyville explain the reasons why when he’s talking about during our election for Next Princess back in season 1.”



        “Do you think that Voter ID might’ve have affected the turnout in this election for Next Princess?”

        “Um… Yes, I do think so. I mean, before we put the law in place, Celestia was leading the polls behind our candidate by ten percent, but afterwards, she won by only five percent. So, I say that’s a pretty reasonable margin. I think it helped a bit in that.”



        “Oh no!!” Discord gasped as he put his claw and paw over his mouth. Like he was gasping out of pure shock. “This guy’s saying the one thing that pretty much every creature knows, but no one’s really wanting to say it. Like writing “P.S. Send Nudes” on your first letter to a pen-pal. Or calling a band’s reunion tour ‘We ran out of bits’.”

        Around now, Discord took a moment in order to catch his breath as he looked back at his audience, before wrapping his head around what to say next. “Now… It turns out that there are examples of actual voter impersonation fraud that I saw personally. Because for this assignment, I actually took the chance to go undercover at several legislator’s offices across the cities where these laws are put in place. And what I found there was uphauling…”

        The next clip that was shown was of ponies that were in the legislators office in Dodge Junction, including the same pony that was a proponent for Voter ID seen earlier in the episode. But instead of sticking to just their desks, many ponies were getting up to press the buttons on the desks of other legislators as the process continued for another thirty seconds. Then, as the clip ended, Discord was finally able to say what he couldn’t say while undercover.

        “Holy S*yay*t! These guys are literally competing to press other ponies voting buttons!! And this… actually goes along with a trend that reporters have been trying to cover over the last few months and it's called ghost voting. And sometimes, there are cases of actual ghost votes. There was one example in Califoalnia where somepony who died in a hospital earlier that morning and was recorded placing votes three times later that day! Which, seems ridiculous. Because, like with zombies, ghosts wouldn’t be wanting to waste its time voting on bills… they would probably be busy terrifying a family in their new house or getting themselves sucked into a vacuum by a plumber wearing a green hat walking around in a haunted mansion!”

        Much of his crowd began to agree and laugh even harder as Discord began to make another statement. “But it’s not just that pony who got caught doing this on my grand tour through these buildings. Remember Snowy Peaks? I mean, he couldn’t have done something as preposterous as that, right?” The next clip showed that same pony doing the exact same thing, which shocked a lot of ponies. But even worse when they heard that any footage of the act would be seen more as an attempt of character assassination. “Uh no no no… You’re not right there. That’s not an attempt of character assassination, that’s unedited footage from my eyeballs of something you actually did. And there is one thing that was pointed out when one news crew was able to go inside the legislators room in Pi-ami to watch how that process went and… let’s just say that they got the whole thing down to a fine art.”



        “Some lawmakers are so shameless with the whole routine that they use sticks to extend how far they can reach each others voting booths.”



        “Okay stop. If you are really going to go this far in order to pervert democracy… do you really need to use such a creepy stick? That looks less like a casual walking stick and more like a stick that would be used by a cult leader to steal other ponies cutie marks.” That had a few gasps from the crowd, before Discord let out a small statement. “Or so I heard… So let’s recap. Voter fraud is a crime that’s as scarce as pretty much anything else, minorites are affected the most and it seems like the same ponies that are advocating for these Voter ID rules to prevent fraud are the ones committing fraud. And yet, when I had the chance to ask one of them undercover about if any footage like this got out, they say that they did nothing wrong and they’re only acting out of necessity.”



        “We have a lot of bills to vote on. We have a lot of rights. There are times that we don’t break for lunch or dinner. We don’t take bathroom breaks and we don’t do any of that because we need to get these things done.”



        “Okay, well if that’s the case, have you considered getting longer voting sticks?” That was followed by a picture of a voting stick extending out of the stall of a bathroom while a pony was inside as Discord’s audience began to laugh. “I heard they tend to help… You know what, buck it. After hearing all of this, I would like to propose something to any politician who has ever backed up and supported a completely unnecessary voter ID law. They should be forced to obtain a new ID every time they want to pass a bill. Just to make sure that they are who they say they are.”

        And that had everypony looking at one other for a moment as Discord began to summarize his find argument. “And around now, they might be thinking ‘Come on, Discord, that’s just crazy. Something like this would hinder the chances of us being able to fully participate in our democracy and there’s no real reason to make us do that’. To which, I would say… welcome to the fucking club.” That had his whole entire audience cheering as he looked back at his camera to say one last thing. “And now… this.”



And now… Trixie Lulamoon and the list of her most embarrassing secrets that she hides from almost everypony.


She considers reading Starlight Glimmer’s diary as ‘entertainment’. Especially when it comes to reading her entries on Sunburst

Despite previous ‘incidents’ with that of the Ursa Minor and Major, Trixie still keeps a Ursa Major beanbag chair and a Ursa Minor teddy bear to snuggle at night.

Her late night clothes consist of a pair of slippers based on her wagon, a teacup themed robe and a pair of pajamas that have Starlight Glimmer’s cutie mark all over it.

Her addiction to peanut butter has gotten Trixie thinking that all other foods, from chocolate peanut butter cups to cereal is its own separate food group. She even goes out of her way in order to hide from the world… in Princess Twilight’s pantry.




The following morning

        “Hey Twilight, have you seen Trixie anywhere?” Starlight Glimmer asked as she trotted through the main hall of the castle of friendship and looked back at her former teacher and princess of friendship.

        “Wouldn’t she be in her wagon? I thought she was with you.” Twilight replied back to her as she made her way towards the kitchen. But before she could open up the door, that was when both of them heard something that they… rather not have wanted to hear.

        “Ooh yes. You’re so delicious, I could just eat you up right here… So thick… So creamy… So-”

        Immediately, Twilight opened the door. Only to find none other that Trixie holding onto a spoonful of peanut butter with her magic as three open jars of peanut butter were on the ground. “Trixie… What the hay are you doing?”

        “Uh… T-trixie can explain… B-but to be clear, it’s not what it looks like.”