//------------------------------// // Chaos // Story: Healing // by korrasami_is_canon //------------------------------// She’d been growing more curious.  During conversations her eyes would lose focus and she’d stare beyond him, concentrating on something else.  And it was always when he’d tell stories and use words like “back then” and “it happened a while ago.” To be honest, he really should’ve been avoiding tales of his past after their little picnic, but one side comment on how that butterfly in her field guide looked familiar had turned to a question about where he’d seen one before, which had turned to him correcting to when he’d seen one before, which had gotten her more excited about animals she’d never heard of and, oh, he loved telling stories he couldn’t catch himself in time before a whole tale had been spun.  And of course that led to questions of other extinct species and that wonder in her eyes got him too distracted to think about the consequences of throwing these words around carelessly, these words that shook her out of her trance and had her spellbound in a new one. Eventually it became too much.  He knew he couldn’t avoid it forever, and he couldn’t keep putting it off now that she’d grown so focused on it.  So sometime in the afternoon, resting in front of Fluttershy’s hearth, when he’d finished another story about another creature she was curious about he steadied his breath, got her attention by brushing the tuft of his tail against her nose, and trying to keep things light-hearted, rested his face in his claws and gave a toothy grin.  “You are a curious pony.” Shaken from her thoughts, she blinked a few times before meeting his eyes.  “You, uh…” she closed her mouth and looked away, getting her thoughts together.  “I… I am a… little curious. But I don’t want you to feel like you have to tell me, I’m just…” “Curious.”  She nodded. He kept his voice light as he wiggled his tail against her face again, “Yes, I thought so.  And you know… I think I’ve gotten everything sorted into words, if you’d still like to hear them.” She blushed at the tail in her face, slowly reaching for it to pull down as she gathered herself, and held it under her hooves, causing Discord to lose the confident air he’d been trying to keep.  She didn’t make eye contact, distracted by the white tuft that had grown almost still under her. But she smiled. “Of course I want to hear.” His hackles rose and he took a quick moment to calm himself again, turning his gaze to the side, unable to focus it on her anymore.  “Then maybe, to make it simpler… you could ask a question and I could start from there…” He heard her hum thoughtfully, before whispering, almost as if to herself, “I remember you said you didn’t hatch from an egg, and if… you weren’t a-abandoned, but you also didn’t have any… I mean, so, you couldn’t have been born through a live birth.  So…” she wound the end of his tail around one of her hooves, probably absently, to keep grounded, and it caused a shiver to run up his spine. “How were you born?” The shiver running through him came to an immediate halt.  A rush of air came out his mouth in what could’ve only been a laugh.  “Always one step ahead of me. I can’t answer that without explaining everything else.”  But before she could interrupt and pose a different question to start with, he rushed right in. “The first thing you need to know, Fluttershy, is that ‘Spirit of Chaos’ is more than just a fancy title.  Chaos has always been around, from the moment this very world was formed.” Keep it dull. Keep it “scientific.”  List the bullet points and read them fast. “It’s what caused the earth to quake and magma to escape the crust, which changed the ocean’s floor and formed lands, causing water currents, which in turn allowed the rocks to weather into sand.  And then when life started, it’s what caused cells to mutate and grow, and it drove evolution.” He was going fast, too fast, he hoped, for her to soak everything in. But he couldn’t dare a glance to make sure, so he closed his eyes to continue, doing what he could to ignore the tightened grip on his tail. “I suppose one way of saying it is that I am chaos, and that isn’t necessarily wrong.  But a better way of putting it is that I’m a part of chaos--the conscious part. I haven’t always had this form, and I haven’t always had a form.  And I can’t exactly say I was born, so much as… woke up. Keep it “scientific.”  Keep it dull. Keep it boring.  Don’t make it a tale. “As more complex organisms evolved, they became more than a body driven by instincts.  They grew to be more aware, and as they evolved further, they started forming the very first societies. They were primitive at the time, but that doesn’t change the fact that they grew aware enough to actively pursue order.  Simple laws about where to nest, what to nest with, where to hunt, what to hunt with. And it’s not like animals hadn’t already exclusively nested in certain areas or eaten certain things, but it was the consciousness of the acts that made all the difference. “Because while there was always chaos soaked within the land and air and sea, there was also order, a kind of homeostasis within the planet, adjusting and adapting to the changes, keeping the world hospitable as best it could.  And with these simple societies, order grew a kind of awareness. And that’s when I woke up. “I was a small pinch of the chaotic vortex humming over the world, and suddenly I had senses.  I didn’t have a form yet, so I couldn’t see or hear or touch the way you can, but I could feel.  I could sense where order was being pursued and where it was strongest. And as a way to combat it, I could channel chaos and give it any form I wanted.  If I felt that a society had found a way to fish more effectively, I’d make the fish more aggressive and harder to catch. I couldn’t do much, not at first.  The amount of chaos I can channel reflects just how much order is being fought for. So as societies grew, I became more powerful, and I was able to take form.”  He looked down at his mismatched claws, getting distracted. “This one’s relatively new… You ponies are so remarkable, you know?” he whispered, his speech now slow.  “Somehow you grew to control the times of day and night, and you can even keep weather on track. I don’t think I’ve ever been able to channel so much chaos before… it’s hard not to get carried away.  But, I’m doing my best.” He wanted to sneak a glance but couldn’t find it in himself, so he cleared his throat, ready to continue. Her grip on his tail was growing tighter, and he could feel her start to tremble.  He almost wanted to stop, but he couldn’t. He was almost done and he wasn’t sure he’d be able to find it in himself to start again later. So he took another long, steadying breath before continuing, his voice louder but still hushed. “Of course… societies fall and evolution takes a step back.  As populations dwindled and they couldn’t pursue as much order, I grew weak.  And when the last of them passed and the world no longer had any creatures struggling for order, I fell back asleep, melting back into the unconscious void until more sprung up.” It didn’t bother him, losing consciousness and suddenly waking up millions of years later.  It was what he was and he’d never imagined what being mortal would be like before. Contemplating his being wasn’t a hard subject for him, but he was scared how Fluttershy would take it in. Allowing her to keep his tail wrapped around her trembling hooves, he stretched the tip so he could once again flick it against her face, opening his eyes and smirking at her.  “I hope that didn’t drone on too long.” But she didn’t return his playful gaze. “Fluttershy?” She was quiet.  And her face shifted.  Oh how her expressions gave her away, the furrowing of her brows a clear indicator of her reaching the most worrisome conclusions.  The fire crackled in front of them. Her voice was soft. “I knew you were older than us, and I knew you’d live longer.” She took more than a moment to focus on her breathing, heavy breaths quaking.  “And I tried not to think about it but deep down I knew that I… wouldn’t always be there with you. I suppose that’s why I’ve been so insistent on you learning how to make friends…” He’d seen it coming.  From the first word he saw it coming.  But he hadn’t expected her to be thinking about it for so long.  The thought had been growing too much on his mind and he was use to outliving everything, but now he could barely take it.  How long had she been mulling this? Her eyes flickered as her thoughts trampled through every possible path, hunting for the best way out.  He could hear her throat closing in her voice and she was choking back sobs, “But I’d only suspected a few hundred years, Discord you can’t!”  Her hooves wrapped around his tail even tighter, and he could feel her trembling travel through his body. His eyes wavered, begging him to look away.  “You can’t be alone that long you can’t just live to see the earth die I-I won’t let you! Discord!” she forced him to keep her gaze, her eyes steely as she rasped, and even as she spoke he could sense her mind whirring.  It was a whisper but he heard it as a shout. “Make me immortal.” His body was pounding and he could barely hear with the blood pumping in his ears.  He couldn’t look away he absolutely couldn’t, but he forced himself to. He couldn’t keep up any act right now, he didn’t have the energy.  His voice was tired, weak. “Fluttershy, you can’t ask me that. I’m too selfish and… I won’t do that to you.” “But you can.” “But I won’t.” “Discord.”  She was right next to him, her grip on his tail forgotten as she let it fall loosely around her firmly planted hooves, her voice a whisper.  “I can’t let you be alone” He kept his head turned away, scared he’d lose if he met her eyes.  “You don’t know what you’re asking. Even if I did, what about when I fall back asleep?  You’d be alone for so long,” millions of years “with nobody around, until I woke up again.”  She’d outlive all her friends, her very species, and, “I can’t do that to you.” But she wasn’t letting down, fighting to keep her hold as her body shook, as her eyes swelled.  “I’d have the animals. Or you could just have me go to sleep and wake me up when you come back” “No, Fluttershy.” “Yes.” “You’re in too fragile a state right now, after all that’s been going on.  I won’t take advantage of that.” He couldn’t stop saying no, he knew it. He was too selfish and he was too scared about life without her.  Leaving past relationships was easy, they had ended before he could worry about mortality, and even then they’d been more casual than this. He never had a friend before and he’d never shared such a strong bond.  And he was weak. He was too weak to keep saying no. Now she was on top of him, pinning him down and forcing him to meet her gaze.  “I’m not letting you go alone.” Her tears were falling on his face and he couldn’t look away.  He almost wanted to call her ethereal, but he couldn’t. She wasn’t. Her mane was tangled and tattered at the ends; her coat was uneven, with patches of fur thicker and paler than the rest as her winter coat grew in, faded scars peeking through from handling wilder animals; her hooves were worn and her wings ruffled; one nostril was slightly larger than the other; and her eyes had grown almost dull with the season, but still shimmered through the wet of her tears.  She was mortal and she was imperfect and she was the most beautiful being he’d ever seen. He slowly reached his claw up to cup her face, and beneath him could feel just how mortal she was. He felt cells grow and split just at the same time others withered. He could feel her aging in his claw, could feel her dying. He couldn’t lose her. He rubbed his thumb against her cheek as his fingers slid under her chin to draw her close, raising his own head in turn.  There was no resistance on her part as she drew forward, eyelids lowering. They were but a hair’s width apart, he could feel her breath on his lips.  So close, so very close… But he drew back. “I can’t do this to you.” He pulled her down on him and rushed to tangle his eagle talon in her withers as his lion claw held her head to his chest.  He did it quickly, gently but fervently pressing the tips of his fingers against the base of her neck as he whispered into her ear. “Sleep.” He waited until she grew completely limp and pressed the pad of his thumb just above her forehead, focusing before drawing it up, and with it came a small, clear orb that could only be seen from the glimmer it gave off in the light.  “It’s too much for you, it’s too much right now.” He pressed his face to the top of her back, trying to steady his breathing as he kept the claw hovering the orb at arm’s length, almost as if he were afraid she’d wake up and take it back.  His breath shuddered as he held her close, “I’ll tell you again, I promise. It’s just too much right now.” And to make sure she couldn’t get the memory of his past back, he swallowed it, and in doing so felt all the sadness and resolve he’d never been able to imagine one creature to hold.  He gasped sharply and his body shivered. And he held her close, cursing himself for making her feel the way she did.