//------------------------------// // Chapter 4 // Story: Absinthe Makes the Heart Go Yonder. // by Tumbleweed //------------------------------// “But I am the real Flash Sentry!” I whined. “Try another one. The real Flash Sentry wouldn't have ruined Rarity's party.” “Hah! Shows what you know. Ruining somepony's party is exactly what the real Flash Sentry would do! Because that's what I did. Because I'm the real Flash Sentry.” A pause. “Would you kindly stop standing on me now?” “Wait. Somepony? What are you-- Oh. Oh no.” the redheaded girl trailed off as the proverbial gears in her head began to turn. Without taking her foot from my chest, she crouched down, putting one hand to a stone hanging from a choker around her neck, and the other to my forehead. The stone glowed with the telltale light of magic, and I braced myself for some new and awful experience. None came. Instead, the redheaded girl blinked, as if to clear the arcane glimmer from her eyes, and took a step back. “You're a pony.” She said. “And ... drunk?” “I can be both.” I said, and took the opportunity to get back to my feet, in case I had to start running. “Though at the moment, I am not nearly enough of either.” I paused, and then regarded the young woman with no small degree of suspicion. “What do you even know about ponies, anyway?” “I know you came through the mirror, just like I did.” “You did?” I said. “Then you know what the hell is going on here?” “I do, yes.” “If you would enlighten me, then, I would greatly appreciate it.” “I don't have time for the full explanation, but the long and short of it is, you've been transported to a ... mirror world. Where you're from, everyone's a pony. Here, they're human.” She held her hand up, wiggling her fingers as if to prove her point. “So do you know how to get back? Wait, no-- of course you don't. If you did, you wouldn't still be here. Horrible place, this.” “I happen to like it here.” The young pony-turned-lady growled. “But if you want to leave, I'll be more than happy to get rid of you.” “You would?” I said, latching onto that one strand of hope. Of course, she could have just been an evil witch plotting to just 'get rid' of me, but even stuck in a horrible ape-body, I was confident enough I could outrun her if things came to it. “Trust me. The sooner you get home, the better off we'll all be.” “Why didn't you say so?” I tried a charming grin, but it bounced off of her like a snowball on plate mail. I shrugged her scorn off (I've had worse from better ponies, after all), only to realize I lacked one key bit of information. “What's your name, anyway?” “Sunset Shimmer.*” *The inclusion of Sunset Shimmer is of particular interest to historians (such as myself), as it would appear to corroborate the arguably apocryphal Sunset Epistles. Over the years,many historians have argued the Sunset Epistles were meant to be seen as metaphor, using the strange and bizarre land to highlight particular key themes, to the point of satire. For instance, the re-casting of Princess Celestia as 'Principal Celestia' is often viewed as a commentary on Princess Celestia's treatment of certain educational policies of the time. I suggest reading Brandy Sweetapple's Friendship By the Letter: An In Depth Analysis of the Sunset Epistles for a better exploration of the subject than I have room for here. The presence of Sunset Shimmer in a first-hoof account outside of the Sunset Epistles may indicate that Sunset Shimmer was an actual pony, not a pseudonym for one of Princess Twilight's other associates (such as Starlight Glimmer, or even A.K. Yearling, as has been theorized in the past). However, for the sake of objectivity, I feel I must also note that the possibility that, by name-dropping a fictional character, Sentry is deliberately marking this particular episode as fictional. Then again, if this were the case, it could, in turn, imply that the Flash Sentry Papers are entirely fabricated. When faced with the prospect of seeing his last few years work invalidated, a lesser scholar might omit such a chapter entirely. However, upon further reflection (and even further research), I have concluded that the historical record mostly corroborates Sentry's accounts in the previous volumes of his memoirs, indicating that such a wild swing to outright fiction entirely out of character. Furthermore, it is exceedingly unlikely that Sentry was even aware of the Sunset Epistles to begin with, as their first official publication came several years after Sentry's death. I bowed, courtly, though the bipedal body made the gesture more than a bit awkward. “In that case, allow me to introduce myself. Lieutenant Flash Sentry, at your service.” Sunset Shimmer just rolled her eyes, unphased by my gallantry. “C'mon. Let's get moving.” She led on, giving the house (and the authorities who'd crashed the party) a wide berth, moving with the stealthy ease of someone used to skirting the law. She wasn't quite on the level of, say, Special Agent Golden Harvest, but then again, few ponies were. The journey seemed shorter than what it was-- my spirits were buoyed by optimism, the anticipation of things returning to their rightful order. Soon enough, I'd be back on four hooves, at which point I could get a proper night's sleep and forget this whole escapade never happened. Before long, Sunset Shimmer brought me back to the school building where the whole mess had started. She led me to a statue mounted in front of the building, and pointed to the polished stone of its plinth. “Here you go, Flash. Your way home.” “That's it?” I said. “I thought it'd be more ... magical. You know, with glowing or ominous chanting or thunder or something.” “It's not like that. It's just ... there. You just walk through the portal, and it spits you back out into Equestria.” “It's that easy? In that case, Miss Shimmer, I'd say it was a pleasure, but that wouldd be a lie. Ta!” I savored the indignant look on her face, and then bounded forward-- --only to plow my face straight into the polished stone. Compared to most of the other abuse I've endured over my storied career (or even that particular evening), it was nothing. No blood, no broken bones, and so on. Still, as my face dragged down the side of the plinth, I groaned. “Very funny.” I murmured. “That's not supposed to happen.” Sunset Shimmer said. “You think?” She leaned in, pressing her palms against the pillar. “It should just let you through, unless--” her expression paled. “Oh no.” “What? What is it? Why can't I go home?” I blubbered, and scratched my horrible primate-hands over the stone once again. “It's a safety feature Twilight-- Princess Twilight installed. We've been having issues on this side of the portal with stray magic, latching onto people. So Twilight put in some warding spells that activate whenever there's a threat-- something to prevent a magical catastrophe from getting to the other world.” “So I'm stuck here.” I said, mouth already going dry. “Until the situation is under control, yes.” Sunset said. “In that case, just ... what is the typical procedure for this sort of thing?” “Normally it's something my friends and I can deal with. But somebody thought it would be a good idea to break into Rarity's dad's liquor cabinet, and now they'll be lucky if they're not grounded for the next month.” “Oh, don't blame me. I just made the party ... well, a party. It's not my fault someone called the constabulary! Or that your friends don't have enough sense to run away from the authorities.” “They shouldn't have to.” Sunset Shimmer jabbed a finger into my chest. “Look, you want to get home, and the more I talk to you, the more I want you gone. So there's at least one thing we can agree on.” “That's a start.” We decamped to a small, hole in the wall diner. It was mostly empty, save for a handful of bespectacled misfits in a booth near the door, and a harried-looking lady in a stained apron behind the counter. Sunset Shimmer and I staked out a table at the far end of the diner, at which point she ordered a steaming pot of coffee (which she grudgingly shared with me). I, meanwhile, perused the menu, puzzled. “Just what is a 'hamburger,' exactly?” “You ... don't want to know. Just order the French Fries instead. Trust me.” Sunset Shimmer produced some small, glowing device from her pocket-- some sort of magical talisman, I supposed, by the way she squinted into the little glass and metal rectangle, as if it held the answers to all the world's problems. Which, sadly, it didn't, to judge by the frustrated way Sunset Shimmer tossed it to the table, dejected. “Great.” She said. “I can't get hold of any of my friends. Which means they're either grounded, or in jail.” “So we break them out?” I said. “What? No!” “All I'm saying is that if the fate of the world is at stake here, one's justified in taking a few ... liberties with the law. Trust me, you're not the only one who's saved the world. Or, well, a world, if this magic mirror business is true.” “You. Saved Equestria.” “Several times.” I sipped at my coffee. “They don't just give out the Celestial Cross, you know.” In retrospect, bragging about my medals has rarely ended well, but the fact that Sunset Shimmer was the only creature in this bizarre world who would know what the Celestial Cross was forced me to mention it. Sunset Shimmer blinked at that, gratifyingly shocked. “You're serious.” “Deadly so.” “Let's hope it doesn't get that bad.” Sunset Shimmer said. “I mean, just in the last few months, we've dealt with power-crazed dryads, ego-fueled hand mirrors, an amnesia epidemic, and-- a troll?” “Well, that sounds a bit out of place.” Sunset Shimmer looked over my shoulder, staring at the diner door with an expression of growing panic. “No, it's a troll!” As if on cue, I heard glass shatter somewhere behind me. I spun around in the booth, laying eyes upon-- well, a troll. Uglier than the dimension's normal inhabitants (which is saying something), the troll looked like nothing so much as white and blue gorilla, fashioned from chunks of dirty ice. As soon as it smashed through the door, it turned to bellow at the academic-looking sorts on the other side of the diner, sending them scrambling over their seats in a blind panic. I'm no cryptozoologist, but I knew a monster when I saw one-- not to mention what to do whenever one started stomping about. I ran. At least, I tried to. Sunset Shimmer had the sense to jump out of her seat, but kept on gawking at the damned troll like she'd never seen one before. As such, I plowed right into her, and the two of us toppled to the ground. At the sudden movement, the troll turned its beady eyes towards Sunset Shimmer and I. In a single leap, it bounded across the diner. Two massive icy fists swung down at us, but I rolled out of the way just in time to avoid getting my skull pulped. Still, tangled as I was with Sunset Shimmer, I wound up dragging her along with me, with the coincidental effect of saving her life. Funny how that works. “Run, you idiot!” I shrieked, heart hammering away in my chest. I hauled myself to my feet-- only to backpedal away from the troll's snapping teeth. “Run where? It's blocking the door!” Sunset Shimmer said I toppled back into the booth, staring up at the ice monster in sheer terror. I pushed myself along the seat, cringing away-- only to feel my shoulders butt up against the unyeilding window. If I'd thought ahead, I could have tried smashing the window-- but it was too late, as I was too close to get the proper momentum needed to defenestrate myself. I let out a panicked sob as I stared death in its ugly face-- coward that I was, I could do little but flail helplessly, throwing one last tantrum before the thing tore me to bits. Blindly, I swept my arm over the tabletop, flinging anything I could at the monster-- --which is when the coffeepot shattered on the troll's craggy face. The beast's screaming went up an octave, and the icy beast lurched backwards, clawing at its face in pain. Steam rose from where the coffee hit, melting away at the troll's icy form. Blind, the ice troll flailed around like the desperate, wounded beast it was. It careened over the countertop, passing by the diner's terrified proprietress-- --and onto the sizzling grill. It wasn't long before the ice troll melted away completely, leaving nothing but a foul smell, a greasy puddle, and a long list of health code violations. “What the hell was that?” I blurted, still jittery from yet another too-close brush with death. “Do you think that's what came through the portal?” Sunset Shimmer said. “Impossible. Just about every carnivore in Equestria has tried to kill me at some point or another, and I've never seen anything like that.” Slowly, I pried myself out of the booth-- and shot a wary glance around, in case the monster had any friends still lurking about. Thankfully, no more ice-monsters came a-charging out, so at least that was a plus. “Ice trolls take triple damage from heat-based attacks.” Someone said in a small voice. “What?” Sunset Shimmer and I said in unison. One of the bookworms sitting near the door peeked over the top of his booth, then took a moment to adjust his cracked glasses. “Ice trolls take triple damage from heat-based attacks.” He said again, only slightly louder this time. “So you're behind this?” I said. Before I knew it, I had crossed the diner to grab the twerpy primate by his plaid shirt, all the better to give him a good shake. Sadly, there weren't any lockers handy to stuff him in. “You could've killed me, you twit!” “It wasn't him!” My captive's chubby companion wailed. “It's from the book!” “What. Book.” I said, not releasing the first nerd. “Here!” The other one dug frantically through his backpack, then pulled out a battered hardback book, featuring a scantily-clad female human waving a sword at a fire-breathing dragon. “It's all in the Abomination Almanac!” “You're kidding.” Sunset Shimmer said. “It's all here!” The chubby one opened the book and started paging through, frantically. Soon enough, he turned to an 'I' section, where a picture of the very beast that had nearly killed me (albeit in a non-melted form) stared up from beside a column of arcane numbers and acronyms. “What the hell is this?” I dropped the one nerd, in favor of scooping up the book. “Some kind of ... monster summoning manual?” “It's a game.” Sunset Shimmer said. “What?” I blurted. “It's from Ogres and Oubliettes. A game.” Sunset Shimmer said. “So they're sending monsters after us for laughs?” I tightened my fingers around the book, and wondered how much it'd hurt someone if I hit them with it. “No!” The first bookworm said. “It's imaginary!” “Imaginary.” I said. “It's supposed to be imaginary!” The bookworm wailed. “But now it's coming to life.” Sunset Shimmer said. “Great. Now we've just got to figure out who's got a magical Ogres and Oubliettes manual and a grudge.” And that's when the blood drained out of my face. “I think I know who you're talking about.”