Greetings! I’m guessing you’ve got one or two questions burning through your mind so I’ll get right to it in the next paragraph and those that follow.
My name is Ipsa Unica and I’m your new owner. It is my hope that we will come to know each other casually in the coming forever and thus, should you suddenly begin to go against nature and speak, you may call me Bob.
Me being me, I want to make sure there aren’t any misunderstandings here. You are a book, a diary to be exact. I am a pony, a stallion to be exact. I will write in you, with a quill to be exact. You will be written in by me, with a quill to be exact.
You may find yourself wondering why I bought you in the first place and why I’m talking to you as if you’re just like any other pony in the world. That’s simple, my hardback friend. My house burned down a few months ago and all of my possessions (Both ill gotten and legally acquired.) were lost in the blaze. That included Shirley, my old diary.
I miss Shirley, but don’t let my loving memory of her get in the way of our relationship. I want you and me to be as close as dirt to the ground.
My reasoning for talking to you as if you were a sentient being is somewhat odd, so stick with me. I don’t have friends (By choice and by virtue of circumstance.). My line of work does not bring me into contact with many ponies and the few that I do encounter are not my type. That leaves you...which isn't much of a consolation prize.
This is mainly a set-up page so you’ll know how things work around here. I will NOT write an entry every day. Unless I do, at which point you'll shut up and deal with it. My inclusions into your pages will occur only when I feel there is a need to do so. However, when I do decide to write up an entry, I will do one when I wake up and/or when I go to sleep. Don’t worry about specifics. Let me worry about blank.
Did you get that joke? Cause if you didn’t this is gonna be a long eternity.
If you (Being a book and thus inferior.) are partial to certain things being written into you, then DEAL WITH IT! My musings will rarely be truly interesting beyond my own opinions. I will likely never include any mushy love stuff as nothing of that sort happens to me. Why, you might ask if you had a mouth? Well, despite my dashing good looks, I do not trust mares. I’m not gay if that’s what you’re thinking you naughty book. I know what I like and I know where to find it. The problem is that I just don’t care....and mares have a tendency to stab you in the back when you aren't looking, but I'm sure you'll come tom understand that soon enough.
My life (And your life by proxy.) revolves around my work. I am Ponyville’s official street cleaner. I go around town in the dead of night and pick up trash and the like. My daily schedule is as follows:
4:40-4:50 PM- I wake up
4:50-5:00 PM- Diary time
5:00-5:30 PM- I eat breakfast
5:30-6:00 PM- FREE TIME
6:00-7:00 PM- I do housework and fix anything in need of being fixed
7:00-8:00 PM- FREE TIME
8:00-9:00 PM- I eat brunch
9:00-9:30 PM- FREE TIME
9:30 PM-1:00 AM- Work
1:00-1:30 AM- Lunch
1:30-5:00 AM- Work
5:00-5:40 AM- Dinner
5:40-5:50 AM- I get ready for bed
5:50-6:00 AM- Diary time
6:00 AM-4:40 PM- Sleep
I follow this schedule to the best of my ability. Sometimes I’m off by a few minutes.
My list of acquaintances (Remember that I have no friends and am thus forever alone.) and what they are useful for is as follows:
Big Macintosh is a very large stallion who could crush me very easily. I like him. He is the primary proprietor of Sweet Apple Acres apple orchards and supplies Ponyville with apples, apple products. and apple accessories. I buy apples from him, though I am willing to deal with his little sister Applejack should I have no other choice. Every Thursday (This where it gets dicey as I have little care for the traditional order of the days of the week.) I drop my cart off at his barn loaded with organic compost that he can make good use of. In return, he delivers my cart back to me and gives me a discount on apples, apple products, and apple accessories.
Mayor Mare, a really old bitch of a mare, is technically my boss. I work for the township of Ponyville. It is rare that I deal with her personally, but I usually have to meet up with her at least once a month to get paid for my labor. Do not be fooled! She is still a mare and thus I do NOT trust her!
Twilight Sparkle is the only mare I willingly deal with when other options are available. She provides me with books (Like yourself!) to use for whatever I need to use them for. Whenever I have something to say to Mayor Mare, I usually go through Twilight by leaving her with my message. Do not be fooled! She is still a mare and thus I do NOT trust her!
Applejack is pretty much a female version of her brother (Ew, nasty thought.) as she serves the exact same purpose that Big Macintosh does. The only difference is that I’d rather deal with him instead. However, I am willing to overlook her gender as she, like Twilight, seems to understand that I do not trust mares. Do not be fooled! She is still a mare and thus I do NOT trust her!
The most important associate of mine is Carty; my ever faithful cart that I use for work. He is the hardest working thing to have ever existed and is pretty much the only thing that survived the fire. I love him so. Unfortunately, Carty has a nasty habit of being shifty and mysterious.
Now you’ll probably want some details about your new master. Well, for starters, I’m a stallion, so you know I'm of a high quality. I’m about twenty years old or so (I stopped counting at fifteen...I think.). My mane is beautiful and my tail is just as beautiful. I have eyes the color of ripe bananas and my coat is delightfully beigeish. As for my cutie mark, I do not have one. Yes, the great and powerful Ipsa Unica is a blank flank! However, this does not concern me as I do not care.
By the way your binding is looking at me I can tell you’re looking for some explanation why I just gave you details about my hotness. This, like so many other things, is quite simple. Should you ever run into any female books or pamphlets, you are to give them that information. Also, should my body need identifying then that's where you come in, but my virginity concerns me more than my mortality does.
Don’t look at me like that! Inter-species relationship apparently happen! Twilight’s slave is a dragon and he crushes pretty hard on a snobby unicorn mare. And no, by crushing I do not mean that he is literally crushing her. That would be weird and probably frowned upon.
Now, before I take my leave for work tonight, I will leave you with a list of ponies that I hate the most and you are to avoid asking me about should you ever get a mouth.
Carrot Cake is the co-owner and co-operator of the local diabetes store Sugarcube Corner. His jaw is angular. I do not like that.
Cup Cake is the co-owner and co-operator of the local diabetes store Sugarcube Corner. She is fat. As in, I'm not sure how they make a profit with her eating the merchandise. A rotund booty is fine, but a sickly one bulging with fat is disgusting.
Pinkie Pie...no...just no.
I would like to add myself to this list as sometimes there is very little that irritates me like I do.
My Daddy dearest makes it onto this list. I mean, I can recall far too many personality quirks about him that I may hate, but he did run off with my only friend at the time and we'll focus on that.
Just to make sure we're clear on this issue; we are never to deal with the likes of Pinkie Pie.
And the utter bane of my existence is the wall-eyed retard of a mare named Derpy Hooves. She burned my house down, enough said.
I’ll be back later to get some sleep. I’m afraid that this entry will be the only one for the day. Or not, I don’t know. It probably will be the only one due to me having to go buy you earlier.