So, these are the proud-as-punch parents who were responsible for unleashing this horror into the world, and disciplining her so poorly she nearly destroyed all of Equestria in her endeavours. Well, as much as I'd like to publicly eviscerate them for the terrible job they did in raising her, this probably isn't the most opportune time or venue. As loathe as I am to continue masquerading as this awful creature, it might be tactically wise to let things settle down a bit before I announce that I'm not quite who they think I am. With any luck, they'll want their real daughter back and not want to keep me trapped inside this child's body. It might be less certain than I think... Celestia knows, I haven't exactly got the most winning personality ever, but compared to Cozy's, I'm Mother Theresa and Nelson Mandela wrapped into one perfect package. Now, onto the subject of how to break the ice with these unknown equines...
Whilst a pensive Starlight stared at me blankly and my 'folks' seemed to be auditioning for the Mannequin Challenge (guys, move on... that is so last year), I had the opportunity to assess the tense situation with a degree of nervousness, not sure whether to play it cool or lay out all my cards on the table. In the end I decided a combination of the two approaches was my best chance of success, and to kick things off a nice, friendly handshake would do for starters.
But as I ventured forward, left forehoof extended out to greet these nameless individuals (side note: the fingerless hooves are going to take a lot of getting used to), it turned out that Mama Cozy Glow already had other plans.
"M-MY BABY!!" blasted like a foghorn in my ear, and suddenly she launched herself right at me: 'Queenie' (my nickname for the pink mare until I learn what she's actually called) sailed through the air at light speed to unceremoniously grab me with both hooves and embrace me in the tightest hug I'd ever experienced. I bet people who wrestle bears don't have as much pressure forced upon their ribcages as I have right now. If I see Fluttershy later on during my (hopefully) brief stay in Equestria, perhaps I'll ask her myself.
Her wings were fully cloistered around me too, which in itself made breathing a real chore, when you have itchy feathers blocking up both channels of your airways. But as I gasped and choked and begged for the tension on my chest to be relived just a tad, the hug seemed to get stronger and stronger, and in my new punified pony form I could do precisely nothing about her over-affectionate administrations. It looked like I was going to be squashed as flat as a pancake by my own 'mother', before I even had chance to take revenge on the filly who got me into this mess. Talk about an ignominious end.
But just as it seemed as though It would be Queenie that would lead to my untimely demise instead of her woebegone offspring (oh, irony of ironies) a firm male voice sounded from just behind the crushing mare, which obviously belonged to the blue stallion I'd seen before. I suppose I'll be calling him 'Kingie', then. (I like naming things!! Please don't take this simple joy away from me.)
"That's enough Cozy Nook, can't you see she's had enough? You don't want to squeeze the life out of our precious when we've just reconnected with her after so many months of estrangement, do you? Please sit down... don't you realise you're embarrassing Miss Glimmer with that over-the-top display, too? " Kingie spoke with an undertone of wry amusement, as though he was used to this kind of dramatic behaviour from his life partner.
"O-Oh, don't worry about me, I'm absolutely fine." Through the morass of pink plumage that now covered my eyes, I could just about spot a captivated Starlight frantically taking notes. I noticed she put on this facade of utmost professionalism, but the way she was recording it for posterity at such a speed suggested it was extremely interesting for her. "Seeing parents and children interact after long periods apart is a field I haven't fully explored yet, so this is all very educational! Please feel free to continue, though you might want to loosen your grip just a bit, Mrs Nook. My pony biology might not match my degree in psychology, but I don't think her cheeks are supposed to be that colour..."
"See, Sky Glow... Miss Glimmer doesn't mind at all! And while I'll take a seat now, I don't care what you say... my darling is staying in my arms for as long as I'm here! I never want to let her out of my sight ever again!" At last, the vice-like sensation on my new fragile body eased up, and instead of being smothered to death by an over-attentive parent, I found myself carried like a foal over to a nearby chair. One hoof on my back, one hoof on my butt, (obviously Cozy Nook had no comprehension of proper boundaries) I felt myself being gently rocked as a devoted mother figure carefully scanned my tiny form in the most painstaking detail. And I thought my last physical was mortifying...
"Hang on, what's this?!" The shriek-like shout from 'Mummy Dearest' had now returned with a vengeance, and this time she was stabbing her hoof directly at my cranial area. "She'll get 'the best of care here', you said! Well, what do you call this giant bump the size of a dragon's egg on her head, then?! Don't tell me some of the guards have been... how dare you roughhouse my daughter in this manner! However uncooperative she might've been, and I know she can be very difficult, there's no excuse for hitting her! I want a full investigation into who perpetuated this outrage and for them to be summarily dismissed as soon as you find the guilty party! If this truly is 'the best of care', I'd hate to see what the worst is!"
"I-I'm so sorry, Mrs Nook! It is completely against regulations for anypony to strike a prisoner, no matter how heinous their crimes might be! A-And, I'm sure that goes double for minors! As soon as we're finished here, I'll head straight down to speak to the head guard on duty to find out the origin of your daughter's injury!" Starlight struggled to quell the anger of my incensed 'mother', and I began to have some sympathy for the flustered unicorn. How was she to know it was a self-inflicted injury, by a man-turned-filly still trying to make some sense in the crazy world he now found himself in?
On the plus side, this would be a great opportunity to get payback on that stupid commander who wouldn't even listen to my pleas for help earlier. Put it this way: from what I've seen so far, triggering my new mum is more dangerous than breaking a Pinkie Promise, or withholding cake from Celestia. 'Hell hath no wrath than a pissed off mother', I suppose.
"...She's much quieter than normal, her mane and tail are tied all wrong, and what exactly are you feeding her on, air? This is the skinniest I've ever seen her, I do hope 'starvation' isn't another of your cruel and unusual punishments here...!" Cozy Nook continued to rail against the supposably harsh regime her daughter (i.e, me) was experiencing, all whilst prodding and poking the associated regions with great gusto.
In my world, you could get someone arrested for this kind of invasive conduct... but seeing as in Equestria, hugging total strangers voraciously seems to be the national pastime, I guess this is just accepted as normal behaviour. Unfortunately.
"U-Um, I have gruel bought to me daily... I-I think?" Fed up of feeling like a lifeless doll, I decided to actually contribute towards the conversation based on what I'd been told earlier in my cell. "Y-Yeah, love me some gruel!"
"Gruel?!" Cozy Nook spat out that single word as if were poisonous, while I was almost dropped on the floor in shock. "Just how do you expect a growing filly to... no wonder it looks as if she's wasting away!! I suppose if she gets a glass of water with it, that's considered a luxury, hmm?! Right, that does it! We're taking her out of here this instant, whatever the consequences! From what I've seen so far, this place is worse than a death sentence! Don't worry darling, Mummy will soon have you back in your nice, warm bed in the clouds, mark my words! We'll get the best lawyer..."
"C-C-Cozy Nook!! Please try to control yourself! As much as we both share the same concerns for our daughter's welfare, aren't you forgetting what she did to end up here? Don't you remember the huge trial? She was considered to be an 'enemy of the state'! We can't just swoop her out of here, as tempting as it might be... we'd be hunted fugitives, and never be safe anywhere ever again! Let's deal with this sensibly, shall we? Who knows what Miss Glimmer is making of all this! I want to see her moved somewhere less draconian as much as you, but these things take time..." An increasingly agitated Sky Glow was apparently the more rational of the couple, contrary to initial impressions.
He had a point though... as much as I wanted to hightail it outta this shit-hole as soon as possible, maybe patience was the way to go. After all, if I was 'on the run', how the heck was I going to return to Earth? I was sure to need the help from one member of the royal family sometime in my quest, and it would be a bit difficult to approach them with as a wanted criminal. Best to clear my name (Not Cozy's) first, convince everypony I wasn't who I looked like and then move onto the tricky issue of hopping dimensions again to save my girlfriend and real family next. Piece of cake... yeah, right.
"Y-Your husband is right, Mrs Nook! Creating a big scene now would only end in complications later on, and might even lead to the suspension of your visitation rights!" Starlight spoke each word there with visible regret, for she must know that while the rules might sound harsh, that was the reality they were in. "I swear to you on my honour as a counsellor and the former student of a Princess, I will do everything within my power to improve conditions for your daughter for as long as she's here! I'm sure a lot of the current problems can be ascertained by the unsuitability of Tartarus's design to hold a filly so young, and if it isn't possible to have her relocated elsewhere, this will have to change. That's about all I can promise for now, given my lack of input during the decision portion of her confinement in the first place..."
I was caught in two minds regarding Starlight's point of view. On the one hoof, considering the outrageous acts of pure evil Cozy Glow had perpetrated on everypony on the show and now me, I would say: lock 'er up, swallow the key, and go off to live a long and bountiful life. Also, let the screeching in the ears as you leave her to rot be a soothing melody that would lull you to sleep every night. Bliss, wonderful bliss!
However, considering it was now me who happened to be 'squatting' inside the warped brain of this treacherous junior tyrant, all that well-deserved punishment currently would only affect yours truly... so let's have some leniency, shall we? As soon as my soul is sucked out of this misanthrope and replaced, they can do whatever they like to her, but for now I had to regrettably treat this filly's body like it was my own. In other words, no more head-butting iron bars.
"Oh, alright... but as long as you confer the full extent of my unhappiness regarding this completely unacceptable state of affairs to the very top, and give us regular updates as to her treatment and progress!" Cozy Nook eventually backed down with great reluctance, as any sane pony would in this no-win argument. "Also, as soon as Celestia sees sense and decides that my daughter is better off in another location that isn't full of doom, gloom, murderous monsters and unsatisfying meals, you notify me at once! Finally, I meant what I said... track down whichever stallion struck my baby in anger, and fire them at once! Or, I'll see the Crown in court! Did you get all that, Miss Glimmer?!"
"Y-Yes. D-Definitely. W-Whatever you say." I really felt even more for Starlight at that moment, having never seen her this out of depth in the show. After all, friendship problems and Trixie must seem like a breeze compared to dealing with pushy parents. "A-Anyway, shall we begin what we came here to do in the first place? After so many distractions at the start of the session, I'm not even sure how much time we have left. If you'd like to put Cozy Glow down now please, so all three of us can address her at once."
As my 'mother' reluctantly at last deposited me on terra firma again (though is it just me, or was I starting to miss the warmth... nah, it's all in my head) I wondered what 'fun and games' were due next for this bracing encounter. Perhaps I'd get the chance to say more than a few words, now? Yeah, that'll be nice. I just hope I can do 'the voice', so they don't get suspicious. Let's see, wasn't it kind of like Little Orphan Annie on steroids...?
Sadly, I didn't have much more time to think, before a whole host of difficult questions began arriving thick and fast:
"Why did you run away to Twilight's school for all those months, without even so much as a letter?! You had us worried out of our minds!" A pleading Cozy Nook was desperate to know.
"Indeed! Instead, you chose to write to that heathen Tirek. Whatever possessed you to ask his help in conquering the world? Did we not give you everything you ever wanted?" An inquisitive Sky Glow raised an eyebrow.
"Apparently, you've had problems with forming proper relationships for years, long before I met you. Rather, manipulation and coercion have been your only friends, in getting what you think you deserve... which is very sad. Would you like to discuss it now, or wait until after your family's gone? I can arrange a private meeting with you later, if you want." Starlight Glimmer beamed at me optimistically.
I looked at each one of their staring faces petrified, not having the first clue as to what I should do next.
For you see, when good ol' Cozy Glow departed for pastures new, she took all her personal details and history with her, leaving me with something between bupkis and diddly squat of her old memories.
It looked like my improv skills were about to be well and truly put to the test....
Only problem is, the last time I tried to act, I flunked big time.
It was the end of term play at school, and I failed my audition miserably...
As a tree.
A F***ING TREE.
Help!!