The governor felt air over her cyan wings and through her natural, rainbow hair. She was high above the clouds on a stormy night flight. The air was warm, and the sky pitch black and featureless as ever. Far below, flashes of light thundered in the howling clouds.
She rolled into a dive.
Far below, there was a gallows scaffold in a courtyard surrounded by a large crowd of ponies.
She stood on a balcony overlooking the courtyard. Her father stood in front of her, pinning a medal on her chest. “You'll be so strong, I know it! You'll be the one to bring spring and dawn! You'll defeat all the unicorns and be the greatest leader we've ever known! Everything depends on you. If you don't...”
She looked up over the balcony's railing. There were guards, the gallows were ready, but there was no prisoner. To her left were crowds of ponies from the Delphi dome, all staring intently at her. To her right, behind the scaffold, an endless sea of dark grey, faceless unicorns, staring forward at the structure with their eyeless heads.
“This is what must be done to hold the world together!” her father's voice thundered.
She saw the prisoner, now – it was herself, a pegasus mare, screaming and crying, desperately writhing against ropes that bound her limbs and wings, being dragged up the stairs.
She was on the scaffold now, bound, in the place of the prisoner. She spun to the crowd and tried to cry out – no, you can't do this! We're all you have! The winter is caused by the unicorns, if it wasn't, then we've done something unspeakable – but it is, so we're not monsters! We're saviors! We only did what we had to!
As she cried out mutely, she felt a noose drop over her head, then tighten around her neck. The trap door fell open under her.
She fell for seconds, then landed in mushy snow. She looked around to see endless frozen bodies around her. Above her, the dark clouds swirled and two vague forms howled.
She cried and fought her bonds, only to sink deeper into the snow, and hear the howling clouds laugh louder and louder.
“Just, just kill me then! End it! It's too much! Just end it!”
She sprang up in her bed with a gasp. She was shivering and soaked with cold sweat. Her bedchamber was dark and silent, except for the ticking of an old, ornate grandfather clock. The room was neatly organized. A dresser, large desk and a vanity furnished it, all made of ornate, treated cherry-red wood with golden and silver accents.
She lunged out of bed and made for her bathroom. She threw her clothes off, and rinsed in her shower, letting the warm water wash the sweat and nightmare away. But as she let the water wash over her, she paused, knowing this wasn't a nightmare she could wake up from.
She tried closing her eyes and focusing on the luxury she relished, but her mind wouldn't leave her alone. So she turned the water off, dried off and slipped on some underwear before turning a lamp on and sitting down in front of her vanity. She looked at her reflection. “I'm not getting back to sleep anytime soon, am I?” she yawned and shook her head.
She hardened her face and bore down on her reflection, “No, I have my duty! The purpose for my life! I won't dishonor all those who died before by faltering now! The world needs me!” She stomped a hoof on the floor, but with no more force than a regular step. She sighed, bowed her head, her ears flopping down and her expression softening.
She looked back up at her reflection and noticed a bit of the rainbow color in her hair was starting to show again at the roots. I'll need to bleach it again soon to not look so ridiculous... But the light frizziness, thin hairs and split ends showed how bleaching had taken its toll.
She went over to her dresser and put on a fresh nightgown and a large, warm robe. She made her way to a set of curtains and parted them to reveal a glass door leading to a balcony. She slid open the door, a wall of icy air washing over her as she stepped outside.
The stone balcony overlooked an enormous yard with lush gardens and great walls around her entire estate. Even here from her second floor, she could only see the most distant parts of the city over the courtyard's walls. The estate was set on the peak of the highest hill near the center of the dome, meaning beyond its gardens and surrounding park, miles of city lights glowed in the eternal night, even dimmer for it being a simulated night. In just a few hours, the glow would brighten, even though now the city of Delphi hardly slept.
She marveled at the glowing ember of life under the black sky. Why does it take ending so many lives to keep it going? She wondered. If only it weren't for magic, this world might know spring already.
She felt a pang of guilt. And yet I use magic.
But Veil is... she remembered the cloaked unicorn. She’s odd. She says she wants to hurt me by doing exactly what I want her to. But she's proven her loyalty over years. She's too useful. If it takes using a little magic to end the winter, then so be it... I just can't let anypony know. Not even Sunfeather.
Using evil to stop greater evil. Like so many other sacrifices...
Her stomach churned as the conflict refused to rest for even a minute. This is what it takes to hold the world together, her father had told her as the struggling stallion was taken to the scaffold in front of them, herself hardly more than a filly at the time. She still felt horrified and sympathetic, imagining herself in his place. Her sympathy turned to morbid curiosity until together, curiosity and horror became obsession.
She shook her head again, trying to think of something else. Veil is succeeding, isn't she? I've gotten exactly what I wanted, and there's nothing I want less...
She looked to the industrial district of the city, far to her left, where buildings were much larger than elsewhere, and brighter blue lights held secure perimeters around the infrastructure that kept them alive. I should work more on the effort to revitalize the search for more Sunstones. High Command surveyors found two more north of Hatten, proving that they are naturally occurring.
Her mind wandered to reviewing events from yesterday – twice, unicorns had appeared in the city, and neither time were they caught. It was an incursion unheard of. Brigadier General Icewind had wanted to use large mortar emplacements to fire dust clouds to inhibit magic, deep in crowded areas of the city, where the gem powder would scratch and draw blood from the lungs of countless innocent ponies.
“You are not to fire, I repeat, you are NOT to fire!” she had yelled into that radio while the city panicked. Why had Icewind ordered such an insane thing? Her heart sank as she realized, it could only have been a bluff. While they had faked the capture of the first unicorn, the highest offices of The Order of The Hatten Vanguard would know it had gotten away. And now, in the eyes of national headquarters, she would be the reason the first one got away, while Icewind could be commended for her devotion against The Unicorns' Winter.
If she had agreed to the barrage, though, it may have driven more unrest in the already-strained city, and would've certainly led to at least dozens of deaths. Icewind had been willing to take the risk – to bet that the governor would counter the orders.
But what am I going to do now? She's got me right in her sights! I don't know if – or how she'll act on that, but...
Have her hanged, of course!
Or even ask Veil to kill her – no, Veil refuses to kill ponies, that's one of the two things she'll never do. Kill ponies or lie. And who knows when she'll pop by next to even take a request...
And what difference does it make whether I order a tribunal or a secret unicorn? I've killed enough ponies. I'm tired of seeing ponies die under my command.
If I do nothing about it, then what will happen? Probably Icewind will just get some recognition, I might get a reprimand... At worst, I could be executed for unicorn sympathy. But would that really be that bad? Then I'll never have to send another pony to their death again...
She shifted her forehooves apart, as if to prove to herself that the cuffs on her robe weren't bonds. She groaned at her thoughts' unrelenting assault. She felt a desire, a striving for relief from the prison of her mind. She looked back and flexed her wings, considering a night flight.
No, I can't be seen flying around for fun. I have an image to uphold.
Her head sunk a little again. An image.
She turned and re-entered her room, then went to a small wooden box on the wall that had a bronze horn and a lever on the side. She gave the lever a few flicks up and down, then held it down and waited a moment for the familiar, grainy voice to pipe in over the machine's speaker. “Yes? What can I do for you, ma'am?”
“Send one of my private servants.”
“Ah, yes. Which shall I send?”
She thought for a moment – she could sooth her mind, or ignore it by entertaining her body. She knew what she wanted, but the more often she chose her, the more she felt she was at risk. Yet, tonight, with her heart in such pain, and feeling so lost and alone, she chose the pony who had nothing to offer her body, but gave everything her heart and mind needed.
“Sunfeather. With her usual things.”
“Yes, ma'am. We'll send her up right away.”
She flicked the lever back up and looked around the room. She walked back out to her balcony again, and began to sing while she waited. She knew the words to the song by heart – every good member of the Hatten Vanguard did. It was an ancient song, written when the first Great Winters fell, the eternal night began, and few in the world survived. She knew the guards would overhear, but even if her voice was far from immaculate, there was no shame in patriotism to The Vanguard.
And though imperfect, her voice still gave the song the grace it deserved.
"Though long and dark
This endless night
Yet deep inside
I keep my light"
She paused, slouching in her posture. Her throat felt caught as huge crowds of ponies came back to her mind's eye. The liberation of the Delphi dome had occurred only eleven years ago, and it had been bloody. The unicorns from Bastion did not release their brainwashed subjects readily. Resistance was constant, the populace thought they could even publicly denounce the Vanguard's rule. The first purges had been done by her father, to maintain order, to protect the world from the cold outside.
But only a few years ago, more purges were needed. Their resistance might have spread and brought down the last spark of life that was left in the world, were it not for the swift response she had ordered, that had led to filled prisons, and the end of almost two hundred thousand lives – decimating the meager population of her dome, one of only a few pockets of life left in the world.
And even worse, if she hadn't, she knew she would've been replaced with somepony “stronger”, and she trusted nopony else to have the world's good as their true objective.
In her mind's eye, she came face to face with it all once more. The crowds full of hate, the mass arrests and executions of different methods. Originally she had used great gallows towers she'd had built for the purges, but they couldn't kill enough fast enough, so ponies were forced into traincars by masses to freeze to death in The Abyss – the endless ice sheets outside the dome. All the while, she had watched, horrified yet enthralled at her power as she watched ponies struggle for a breath they would never take – how the guards ignored their wild, begging pleas, yet at her cold command she had sent them there.
I've always dreamed of doing this. Protecting The Order of the Hatten Vanguard and preserving ponies' lives... Even if it means ending some of them. There was simply no other way. I'm not wrong to do what I must! Wasn't it my right? My duty? They were the ones in the wrong for trying what would kill us all!
But can I blame fools for being fooled?
She sighed, slouching even further. I keep my light?... She mentally echoed the last line she'd just sang. If it was right, then why do I feel like I no longer have any light?
Maybe I was wrong to enjoy it... But what difference does it make!? It was going to happen anyways! Either I did it or the cold did! And the ones that were frozen – died the exact same way they would've brought on themselves and everypony else! I even took lengths when General Icewind wanted to choke them in the downwind fumes from the dome – I took lengths to make sure they froze, instead – died the same way they would've if they'd had their wishes granted! I was in the right!
Then why does it feel like this?
She kept singing.
"And long I wait
For b'loved dawn
Yet hopes of life,
Forever gone
Why do I dream,
Of things unseen?
Are they not so?
It cannot be."
The old legends were denounced as fantastic myth, which they clearly were. An impossible dream many shared. Yet she could understand why so many believed them. A godly unicorn-pegasus hybrid that lived forever and led a united ponykind? That had brought the world out of chaos millenia ago, and banished her own sister to save it again? Sometimes it's nice to imagine it's true, even though it isn't.
What if it wasn't your own sister, though? Would you have done it, then, Celestia? What if instead of your sister, it was hundreds of thousands of ponies you never knew the names of?
In the world before The Great Unicorns' Winter, a world of plentiful harvest, and beautiful day, there was no shortage, and no powerful order was necessary. There was no endless night, no chains or starvation. Only happy ponies, living free, happy lives under the warm sun.
What a beautiful, but insane fantasy. That is not our past, but our future. But we can only get there by doing these horrible things.
"And yet I know
That when I rest
With azure sky
I will be bless'd."
How much longer must I wait for my azure sky? How much longer must I preserve The Order at the cost of my heart and soul? When can I finally know my unending rest?
She sat down, and a tear fell from her cheek. When will this cold, cruel life, finally be over?
She jumped with a flare of her wings when she heard a knock on her door. She wiped her eyes and cheeks, then went to the bedroom door, peering through a peep-hole. Sure enough, the yellow pegasus stood in the hall, habitually halfway hiding her blue eyes behind her pink mane. Four piercings on the outside edge of each ear indicated her slave status in society, with gold rings through two showing a slight relief from the full depth of it, and aluminum earrings on the other two showing she was still in servitude. She wore a covering bathrobe and a pair of saddlebags.
The governor opened the door and let the slave in. “Come in, Sunfeather.” She poked her head into the hallway, making sure nopony else was around before closing the door behind her guest.
“I must confess, Spectrum, I did overhear a bit of your singing through the door. May we please sing the second verse? The song is so dreary and sad without it,” she asked with her usual soft demeanor. “May I?”
“Oh, of course,” she answered.
Without further prompting, the gentle pegasus began singing in the room,
"Cold and dreary
Is this waste
But warmth of heart
Is endless grace"
The governor was surprised she'd started immediately – and that like herself, she didn't need a songbook to read from. She then joined in,
"And now I know
I have a purpose
With love's pure light
We can endure
And so I live
With kindness pure
The greatest warmth
To darkness cure
Cry not my soul
Long not for death
For with this life
I have been bless'd”
“There, see? The song loses its purpose without the second verse. It's not all bad, there's little moments of love's pure light to warm the cold and make it all worthwhile,” Sunfeather said.
Full Spectrum couldn't help but crack a smile, feeling that sliver of warmth. “That is really nice... Go ahead and take one of my nightgowns to wear for now, I know they send you up here in much less than that.” She sat down, facing away from her one friend, giving her some privacy to change.
“Thank you,” was all she replied with, before she heard a dresser drawer get pulled open. Sunfeather knew where they were. “So, what did you call me up here to talk about?”
“The usual.” She sighed, her ears hanging limp as she faced the finely carpeted floor. “I'm going to lose this game soon. Without my confidence, I can't keep up. I won't last a month without it - I have to get it back. If I don't, then It's only a matter of time before I wind up getting killed. I can feel it. I know it. But ever since that incident with Major Crimson Fire... Damn, I'm so pathetic...”
“You're pathetic?” she echoed, disbelief drenching her words. “No, no, you saved my life! I'm pathetic, not you.”
“No, you're strong,” the governor simply answered.
“How?” she answered softly but surprised. “I – they were going to have me killed when I couldn't keep up my sixteen-hour obligation. I'm so weak I'm useless as a slave, even...”
“Because you don't sit there, unable to handle your problems and just spilling them out on some other pony,” she started. Sunfeather walked up to, then sat next to her, now wearing a nightgown that matched her friend's in place of the robe.
The cyan pegasus turned to face her by her side. “You – I've never seen you doubt yourself, Sunny. Yet that's all I do.” She looked to the floor again. “It's pathetic and disgusting, I'm supposed to be the powerful leader. I'm going to die soon because I don't deserve this station. Not when I keep doubting everything...”
Sunfeather flared her wings halfway out. Even in a motivated tirade, her voice still had a softness that made Spectrum feel the kindness of the motivation behind it. “No! You – you saved my life, Full Spectrum! You definitely deserve it! If you don't do your job well, then what happens to me? If anypony else were in your place, I'd be long dead by now! So don't say that! You're wonderful and strong and kind – unlike anypony else I've ever served under! You're so wonderful, anypony with half a mind would rather serve under you than be free!”
Spectrum looked at her friend, concerned. “I – I... I don't know. I'm not even strong enough to protect you. You know what I did last week? I had a major's sister executed for consorting with the unicorns – a special operations major. I was too weak to have him executed, too, to eliminate a possible threat, yet I wasn't kind enough to spare her life. In the end, I was neither strong nor kind. I watched her die, Sunfeather. It doesn't hurt me anymore to see ponies die – and I didn't realize that until then, when it hurt me again for the first time since I started the purges, and now I can't stop thinking about it...”
Her look picked up a sudden intensity, her own wings flaring halfway out as she stood up and leaned in to her slave, “I'm a monster, and I hate it! Why do you sit there and listen!? Why do you tolerate me at all!? You – you're a risk to my existence, you see through me – by every right I should have you executed for the things I've told you – and what if I did? What if I accused you of consorting with the unicorns and had you hanged tomorrow morning, and came just to watch, how would you feel about me, then, when you writhe for a breath you'll never take!?”
The frail pegasus began to shake as she shrunk before her master. “I – I...” Her body urged her to stand and run – to escape, to flee, to fight back – anything to escape the pony that could have her killed with a mere accusation. But she stayed. This one pony had saved her life – and gave her something beyond the garden she tended to, to make the life she'd saved worth living. “I would feel betrayed. D-don't you like me – after all this time? Don't I mean anything to you?” Tears welled in her eyes.
The governor huffed in frustration, then softened and sighed, her wings falling limp, bowing to her sides while her head bowed down. “Yes. You do. You mean a lot to me. You're the only one I can... talk to. Like this. You know, I'm not like the other leaders at all. Sometimes I feel like they sense that.” She sat back down. “I don't think I've ever seen any of them show any compassion beyond political favors. Anyone else would've had you – and a few other slaves just to make a point – executed when you failed your regular sixteen hours that seventh time, and made all the other servants watch. They all rule with a vicious strength, and I'm afraid of it. I keep trying to match it, but I keep shrinking from it. I'll do things like allow a prisoner to go untortured, or have an exhausted slave moved up from second-class.
“That's why I say I'm weak. I just – I can't do what they do, like they do. Other governors, theater commanders, national officers, my subordinates, even. I've managed to keep their incentives aligned for this long, but how much longer can I do it when I'm not willing to do the things that they are? That's why I'm weak. I just can't do what they do.”
“Then – then I'm glad you're weak!” She lunged in to the governor's chest and began crying, still shaking from her earlier threat of a question.
She startled, then relaxed and put a hoof around her. Instead of being scared off, she – she dove into me? She blinked in surprise.
Then, the disturbing realization about her friend came over her. Well, where else is she going to go?... I'm all she has. Her old manager tried to have her killed. Why would she like or trust any of her managers any more?
If being strong means not having moments like this, then I'm not sure I want to be strong, either.
But if I'm not, they'll kill her and me. I'm trapped now, really. If I want to stay here, safe and with her – well, I can't. I can only stay safe, or stay with her.
I know exactly what I must do to prove to them how devoted I am. Her eyes took on a dark shadow.
If I'm to survive, I will have to have her, Icewind and major Crimson Fire, at least, accused and executed, just to prove that I don't have weaknesses, to show them I'm not to be trifled with and to kill the major who may hold a grudge.
I could just save some other pony, and they'd feel loyal to me like this. They'd cling to my chest after I saved their life – and if they don't, I have them killed and save another until I get one that does.
But could I really know myself as the pony who they can depend on – who's loyal to them?
If I do that, I can never have a true moment like this again. Nopony, however close they are to me, however much they mean to me, will ever be safe from ME. And whether or not they know that...
She looked in the vanity's mirror as her crying, sweet and innocent friend was comforted in her wings.
...I will.
I will forever know I betrayed Sunfeather. I could have her and others killed for my security, and replace her by saving some other pony and they'd cry on my chest, but she'd still be dead, and I'll have to live with that for the rest of my life.
What's the point of living, if I live like that?
No. Whatever they throw at me, I'll stay loyal to Sunfeather, loyal to the ponies of the Delphi Dome – and to the Hatten Vanguard, all at once. If they kill me, so be it. If they hold her life as leverage to force me to do something for them, whatever. But I'll do whatever I must to protect her. If I fail, then I won't suffer for it for long, anyways.
But it's too late to keep her out of this. I can only try to keep pretending she's just a sex toy to me, and hopefully if I add some more mares to my secret harem, nopony who discovers it will suspect. She stands out too much as the only one.
She shuttered at the thought. I must, though. To protect her.
There was a twinge of doubt – a quick passing question, but if I don't stay strong, then someone who wouldn't have saved her will come along, and all the good I do will be over. If somepony else takes my place, then who will keep the ponies of this estate safe?
Well, if I betray them, then what does it matter if I keep somepony from coming along who does the same thing? And even if I do, that's no assurance that I'll survive, either. Political opponents are dangerous either way. But at least if I protect this small haven of peace, then somewhere in the world it will exist at all.
So she made up her mind, feeling conviction swell within her, making her voice firm and confident. She looked down at the pony wrapped in her forelimbs.
“I know something happened, and you have no family to fall back on anymore. I don't know what happened to them -” for a brief moment Sunfeather tensed as hard as stone. All affection vanished from her hug for that second as her breath caught. Then the moment was over, and her affection returned, but now it felt a bit reluctant. “- but you have me. I'll protect you, Sunfeather. Even if it kills me – and it probably will – but I'll protect you no matter what with everything I have.” The reluctance disappeared from her slave's hug.
“Oh no, you – I couldn't bear it if...” Sunfeather couldn't force out the last word.
“I want to, damnit!” Spectrum suddenly barked, surprising herself, even, “I want to protect you! I'm so tired of everypony being a monster, or a corrupted victim of a monster that must be killed! I'm so tired of playing a monster just to keep others I've never even met alive! Just this once – can't I have something positive in my life? Something aside from a steel hide, playing politics or killing for a greater cause? For once can't I have something that doesn't make me miserable, and hate myself for enjoying it?!” She panted, then calmed her breathing.
The pink-maned pegasus pulled out of the hug just enough to meet the governor's magenta eyes with her own, blue eyes, and neither pair was dry. She wasn't sure what to make of her servant's expression – it was mostly just surprised.
The governor continued more gently, “The other staff might think our relationship is different, but you're not just some concubine to me. I'm not even interested in mares like that. But you're so much more than some sex toy, you're my friend. You actually give me something worth living for. Something I'd die to protect. Please let me have that, it means more to me than life itself.” Her hold around her friend tightened into a hug. I'll even take her on that upcoming conference. That way, even as I travel to another dome on a train or stay there, she'll be under my personal protection.
That would draw too much attention to her, wouldn't it? No, not if I bring a lot of others and some of my own guard...
Sunfeather returned the hug. “Oh-okay. I... I don't have anything like that to offer you in return...” she sheepishly added.
“No, I can offer you what protection I can manage, but you... give me so much more. You're somepony I can trust.”
“Wha-... what about Nightgale?” the timid pegasus hesitantly asked.
Full Spectrum laughed a little. “Heh, he's – he's someone I can trust as my security officer – the only pony I know who's really loyal to me and not just in it for favors – well, aside from you. But you don't give me physical protection or political favors – you don't even give me lustful pleasure. You give me somepony I can talk to about the things that bother me – who will listen and care and won't take advantage of me –
“you give me a friend.”