Closet Pony

by DouglasTrotter

July 18th

Two weeks have passed, but it feels like two days. Although we won and vanquished Nightmare Sepulcher, she's left an everlasting impression on all of us. It'd be nice if this were some animated Disney flick. The heroes of the story reach the climax, conquer the big-bad enemy, and everyone rejoices while they dance to some catchy song, singing away their problems. Real life is much different. Not to mention it's far, far worse. Be it something small or more serious, none of us escaped Nightmare Sepulcher's touch.

Though the princess puts on a brave face, always smiling when she can, Princess Celestia confessed how she broke down in the garden. She started to lose hope when Nightmare Sepulcher ripped the watch off my wrist. It took everything within her to keep from breaking down when the creature injured me. The Cutie Mark Crusaders reminded the princess she serves as both leader and protector.

What good exists, if any exists out of this wretched experience, comes from the fact Sanctuary now has her own body vs. existing in some sea of darkness, trapped by an unknown entity. The mare could hear things, but she couldn't experience them. Sanctuary equated it to a person being tied down and blindfolded with no way to communicate. She's been rather down, and it's hard to tell why. I'm no mind reader, that's for sure.

"He-Hey, mornin'," Apple Bloom said, letting out a yawn as she came around the corner. The filly popped a crick in her neck. "Ya feelin' alright? Second time you've been up and at the computer."

"Yea. I'm just, I'm just having a hard time sleeping. That's all." I said. Be nice if the bruised ribs were the thing keeping me up. "I'll be fine."

"Sure ya feelin' alright?" Apple Bloom said. She came forward as I leaned down. The filly pressed her forehead against mine. "Welp, doesn't feel like ya'll are runnin' a fever or anythin'. Look, today, Ah mean not now but later today, you should really go and talk with Princess Celestia. She ain't mad. The princess is worried."

"Not right now." I said, my voice shaky and hesitant. Me and Princess Celestia aren't on the best of speaking terms right now. Not after how I treated her. "Is Sanctuary doing alright?"

"We could go and see for ourselves. Though, it is kinda early." Apple Bloom said. The filly shook her head. "How about ya go get some sleep. Ah promise to keep a lookout for things. Even if that portal to Equestria opened, ya'll know we'd say goodbye before we left."

I patted the filly on the head. She adjusted her bow.

Apple Bloom went into the kitchen, grabbed a drink, and sat down on the couch.

Man. I'm so tired. It's getting harder to hold my head up right now. Apple Bloom is right. I need to force myself to get some sleep. Nothing I say in these notes will change the past. There's no changing how I treated Princess Celestia. She didn't deserve it, but her words cut deep. I almost slapped her.

No matter how hard, no matter how desired, no matter how much it might be wished for in an individual's lifetime, a person cannot change history. History, for better or worse is written in stone.

---End Entry---

There's no such thing as beauty sleep, not for someone like me. I don't look at myself in the mirror because I don't want to see that ugly mug of mine, especially a tired one. I'm running out of things to keep myself occupied. I've watched online videos. I've listened to music. I've leaned back in my chair. I just need to snap out of it and write these notes. What's done is done, and it won't change.

So, about four days after Nightmare Sepulcher's defeat, Sweetie Belle came through the portal to trade shifts with Scootaloo. Each filly decided to take turns to keep an eye on me. In my stupidity, I got the brilliant idea to visit Sanctuary in, well, Sanctuary.

"Sorry to use you like a key," I said while standing next to Sweetie Belle.

"You don't need to apologize," Sweetie Belle said. The filly rolled her eyes. "Why are you so nervous anyways? Princess Celestia said she just wanted to talk."

"..."

"You're more nervous than Fluttershy." Sweetie Belle said.

The filly took my hand and placed it on her back. After I took a deep breath, we moved forward.

"I doubt anything bad will happen." Sweetie Belle said. She waved, "Hey Apple Bloom. Hey Scootaloo."

"Where's Sanctuary?" I said.

"My daughter is resting, which is what you should be doing." Princess Celestia said, coming from behind Apple Bloom and Scootaloo. She nodded towards Sweetie Belle, the filly running off to join her friends. The princess stepped forward. She stopped within arm's length of me. "I did tell Sweetie Belle our little chat could wait. You may return home, if you like."

I pointed at my left wrist being minus a watch. "I know it's eight in the morning, but, anyways, I'm up. So, what did you want to talk about?"

Princess Celestia faced the hallway, and then led me towards my room.

In the calm, quiet garden, several flowers had been planted in a little secluded spot. The gentle light from a nearby crystal illuminated the flower's petals. If not for the awkward image of the Earth overhead, the garden could be something out of a fantasy, one that would help melt away the world's woes and stresses.

"Please, come. Sit." Princess Celestia said. She sat down on a large pillow near an elegant table with a chair next to it. The princess refused the chair, preferring I sit in it. She poured the two of us a drink. "Between you and me, those three are a true blessing. Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo have helped Sanctuary in so many ways that I cannot thank them enough."

"So," I rubbed my neck, "you wanted to talk about something?"

"Right to the point, and, yes, I did. It's a matter concerning my daughter." Princess Celestia said, ending in a low, dulcet tone. The mare cleared her throat. "Actually, it concerns you as well as my daughter. It relates back to your 'breakthrough' moment during one of our sessions."

In that moment, nothing prepared me for what Princess Celestia was going to say.

"Such a frightened expression, and here I thought you could face down any demon after dealing with Nightmare Sepulcher." Princess Celestia said. She sipped on her drink. The princess placed the cup on the saucer. "First, do you remember how we came to your world?"

I placed my cup on the table. "A little. It involved some crystals from Hel -- I mean, 'Tartarus.'"

"That is correct. At this point, what I say is only from the purest of speculation, so, for right now, take it with the heaviest grain of salt." Princess Celestia said. She seemed to gaze at the reflection in her cup. "To get to the heart of the matter, being rather blunt, I believe there may have been a small portion of residual magic surrounding me, perhaps dwelling inside of me from those crystals that brought us here. It is possible Sanctuary siphoned off the... 'yin' to the 'yang' of my ability to speak using my mind, and I theorize that you collapsed because of the power my daughter possesses."

I remained silent, hands in my lap.

Princess Celestia's eyes grew soft, almost having a teary eyed expression. "Sanctuary told me something."

"What did she tell you?" I said, squinting at the princess.

"You've had horrible nightmares ever since your mother's passing." Princess Celestia said. I never saw the princess come towards me. All I felt was the princess place a gentle wing over my right shoulder. "You pulled the plug on your mother."

My hands tightened. They clenched to the point my fingernails dug into the skin of my palms. I'll never forget those words. I'll never forget how she said it.

"It's weighed heavily on your mind." Princess Celestia said.

Those two hands of mine couldn't have been any colder if I submerged them in liquid helium. In a stern, calm voice -- controlling my anger the best I could -- I said, "You had --"

"From the bottom of my heart, I'm so, so sorry." Princess Celestia said.

"-- I'm leaving. I'm leaving right now." I said, pushing Princess Celestia's wing aside. I stood up. I marched towards the elevator. My hands remained clenched as I marched down the hall towards the entrance where I thrust my hand forward to open the portal, to no avail. "Let me leave, now."

"What's happening?" Sanctuary said.

"Yea, what's going on?" Scootaloo said.

"I'm leaving." I said. I maintained a firm gaze towards the water fountain.

"I understand. I'll send you home." Princess Celestia said.

"No," I turned and pointed a stern finger at the princess, "don't you dare. Don't you 'dare' come near me."

Sanctuary and the three fillies looked at each other with puzzled expression. Princess Celestia backed away. I didn't want any part of her ridiculous sympathy, nor her faux kindness.

"Um. Ok." Scootaloo said. She came forward. The two of us went through the portal and arrived on Earth. "Mind telling me what in Equestria that was about? That wasn't nice."

I shook my head. "Now isn't the time, Scootaloo."

"What's going on?" Scootaloo said.

"Just, just go play with Sanctuary and the others. I need some time." I said.

"With all that we've been through, how can you just push us away? How can you push away Princess Celestia?" Scootaloo said.

"Please," I held up my hands, "understand. I need. Some time. To think." I said, putting my hands down. I looked at the filly, "You've done nothing wrong. Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle haven't done anything wrong. The same goes for Sanctuary. I just need some time to myself right now."

"Fine. Be that way!" Scootaloo said. She slammed her hooves into the concrete floor.

I turned around. Two small horseshoe shaped indentations were left in the concrete floor.

I slammed my fist against the nearby concrete wall. Again and again I hit it. The pain got through, on the fourth or fifth time, and I stopped.

It'd be nice to lie. It would be nice to lie and say it happened so long ago it doesn't bother me. To be blunt, I want to lie and say it never happened, but I know a lie won't erase anything. It won't erase what the doctor told me, nor how I cried myself to sleep. The time would come where I had to make a choice.

Mom, you told me those happy memories would help me through the worst in life. You told me to remember the happy times we shared together as a family, but I can't. I can't remember them. All I can remember are those few, precious, last minutes we shared before you passed away, before I pulled the plug.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

---End Entry---

"Have you taken your time?" a voice said.

It seemed I had fallen asleep at my computer. My red eyes reflected off the gold crown atop that familiar head.

"I never meant to hurt you." Princess Celestia said. She rested her chin on my shoulder. "I hoped our friendship had reached the point where we could openly trust one another. When you are ready, we are all waiting for you."

My hand latched onto the golden neckpiece Princess Celestia wore. The princess didn't freak out. She didn't struggle. The princess just calmly stood beside me.

"Please, tell me. Why am I so alone?" I said, fighting back my tears.

"You're not alone." Princess Celestia said.

My hand landed against the chair after I relaxed my grip. "Then why? Why does it feel like I'm destined to be alone? I hate this feeling. I hate being alone. I hurts."

"What you need is somepony, someone you can speak with on this matter. Another one that can sympathize with you. I'm sad to say there is somepony right here that knows what it means to lose loved ones." Princess Celestia said. She sat down and turned her gaze toward the door leading into the study. A pink bow peaked around the corner. Soon, Apple Bloom came and sat beside the princess. "It's ok if you don't want to talk about it."

The filly shook her head. "It's alright. Ah don't mind."

"Apple Bloom?" I said.

"It hurts, don't get me wrong, but Ah am glad to have mah family and friends there for me. Granny Smith. Mah big sis and big brother, Big Macintosh and Applejack. Sweetie Belle. Scootaloo. There's also you, Sanctuary, and Princess Celestia. It helps out a lot." Apple Bloom said. A tear crawled down her cheek. The filly wiped it away. "There were times, there are time Ah wish Ah could remember my Ma and Pa's voice. To know what it felt like to be with em. Only know what they looked like because of the pictures hanging in the hallway at the farm house. Always wonder if Ah will ever make 'em proud. Ya know."

"... yea." I said.

Apple Bloom smiled as if she were trying to hide her sadness. "Ah, Ah want to go home. When are we gonna go back?"

Princess Celestia placed a gentle hoof over the filly, bringing her closer. "I'm sorry, my little pony. I don't know."

"Apple Bloom, if, if you ever need to talk about things, I'll listen. I promise." I said, placing a gentle hand on the filly's back. Apple Bloom took a tissue and wiped her tears. The filly sat beside me, and then said she'd hold me to that promise. I looked up, "No, I'm fine. I don't need a box of tissues... gah."

"Sorry, it's just so beautiful to see the two of you like this, helping each other out." Princess Celestia said, bonking me with the box of tissues.

"..."

"Hmm?" Princess Celestia said.

"I'm sorry. You didn't deserve to be treated that way." I said. My hands remained at my side. "Sorry if I stormed off. I'm sorry if I hurt you. It angered me to hear those words because that's how my 'relative' phrased it. Instead of treating me like family when my mother passed away, she treated me like trash. That so-called relative of mine talked down to me. Now that I look back on things, it always feels like she did that to me. It felt like I was some psych patient to scrutinize vs. being family. I don't hate her. I loathe her for treating me like I'm less than human, for taking advantage of me when I asked for help."

"I think it's best if we speak about that at a later date, among other things." Princess Celestia said. The princess gave a gentle smile, "I accept your apology, my friend."

For a second, I believed the princess offered me a tissue. Though, the closer I looked, it appeared to be a box with a bow on it.

"This is from all of us." Princess Celestia said, placing the box onto the desk next to my laptop.

"Your birthday is today, isn't it?" Apple Bloom said.

"Actually, it's coming up, but it isn't today." I said.

"Aww shoot, I thought we had it." Apple Bloom said.

"Are you sure it's ok? Do I --" I said.

Princess Celestia used her wing tip to keep me from finishing the sentence. "A gift is a gift. Never, ever forget that, my friend. This is from all of us. Happy 'early' birthday."

The princess retracted her wing, and I remained silent.

I don't know how to describe it. Though the house was silent, it didn't hurt. For the first time in quite some time the silence didn't hurt. The moment felt enjoyable when I held the box; it had a pattern of stars on it with a dark blue ribbon, almost royal blue on its top.

The lid came off. White tissue paper obscured the box's contents. With the white tissue paper removed, the item inside glistened in the light of the setting sun.

"..."

"We all chipped in. Sweetie Belle made the initial design. Me, Sanctuary, and Scootaloo helped find the materials for it. Princess Celestia added the final touches before she built it." Apple Bloom said.

"I know how much that silver watch meant to you, being a gift from your mother and all." Princess Celestia said. She had a gentle tone to her voice when she said, "Your mother is proud of you for who you are and what you've done. I know she'd be proud to hear how you've helped us in our time of need, gave us shelter and kept us safe."

"..." I couldn't find the words. Instead, I got up. My dried eyes reflected off her crown. I placed my hand around her. "Thank you. The same goes to you too, Apple Bloom," I placed a gentle hand on her head, "I love it."

I sat back down in the chair, gazing at the box while Apple Bloom and Princess Celestia whispered to one another.

Princess Celestia placed her wing over the box. She gave a sly wink. "I believe in you and your potential. All of us do. Let no-pony, let no-one tell you there isn't potential inside of you. And right now, I believe you need a confidence booster, so, let me introduce you to something rather special. It's more than just a key to Sanctuary and the garden. You will wait --"

"What do you call it?" I said.

"You'll wait for me to train you on how to use this watch, understand." Princess Celestia said. The princess had a firm tone in her voice. The watch must have possessed something more powerful the first incarnation. She removed her wing that covered the box. "I didn't think to give the watch a name."

"Can ya really name a watch?" Apple Bloom said.

I smirked. "I've got the perfect name."

I covered the box back up. As all of us went through the portal, arriving on the other side, I knew what to call it.

"Thanks for Equanimity. It's wonderful." I said, smiling at my friends.

Sanctuary, Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, and Princess Celestia had quite the party planned, however, as the saying goes, all good things come to an end. The time came and went for the little party, despite it lasting for almost an hour.

Now, now I'm back in my bedroom, ten minutes after the party ended. One would feel like of it was a dream. What keeps me going, what makes me happy right now comes down to two facts. I'm in my bedroom -- on the moon -- next to a garden, and I have a one of a kind watch that's on my wrist. Equanimity feels a little odd though. It's cold, but not an unpleasant kind of cold.

I guess I'll end this entry here. I'd like to list Sanctuary's little party trick/stunt she pulled on her mother, but I'll save that for another entry. Still laugh how she freaked out her mom by turning into a giant, heh.

Mom, I know it'll take time. It won't be easy, but I'll get through it. What makes it worthwhile is that I have some real people, well, ponies that I can trust. Talk about one weird, but awesome miracle.

---End Entry---