With Neighsay as prisoner, we headed for Canterlot. I was going to have to figure out some way to dispose of him.
On the flight, I glanced out the window. I checked my pockets, but couldn’t find my sunglasses. Where had I left them?
I spent the rest of the flight planning the rollback on the universe I wanted to do.
As we landed in Canterlot, I swaggered into the castle throne room. I was still wearing my DEVGRU Multicam cargo pants and had my rifle slung across my back.
“Why are you wearing your trousers like that?” said Rarity.
“Like what?”
“Why only on your posterior? You have four legs.”
I opened my mouth, though was still unsure what I wanted to say when we arrived in front of the Princesses.
“Throughout our city, ponies have been reporting tales of their magic failing,” Princess Celestia began without even a hello.
“Are there similar troubles in Ponyville?” Princess Luna asked.
“We experienced it first-hoof,” Twilight replied. Old Twilight, not Snakeyes.
“It’s the same in my kingdom,” said Princess Cadance.
“Why do we keep calling things kingdoms when Princesses are the top authority?” I said.
“I have to apologize for being late,” said Twilight, glaring at me instead of answering my question. “Somepony had to get petty revenge first.”
I shrugged. “I don’t see you doing this without me.”
She glared more, but Princess Celestia interrupted. “Magic is disappearing all across Equestria.”
“I think I might have read about something like this once,” said Snakeyes. “I think the Pillars of Old Equestria solved it once before.”
“What did they do?” I asked.
“I’m not sure, all this started before I got a chance to finish the book.”
“Do you know why it’s happening, at least?” said Cadance.
“Has anypony checked on Tirek?” Twilight suggested.
Pinkie cocked her head. “You mean the big, red, scary centaur who eats magic? Why would we wa- Ohhhh. Riiiiight.”
“Wait, what?” I said.
“Tirek, the big, red, scary centaur who eats magic,” said Pinkie.
“He’s dead.”
“What!?” demanded Twilight. “When?”
“I don’t know, a while back? The first time he got loose and ate magic? I dropped a giant ship on him? Ring any bells?”
Twilight shook her head. “No, I definitely don’t remember that. He’s locked up in Tartarus.”
Huh? Was there yet more in this universe that I had missed? I was really wanting to turn back the clock now.
Princess Celestia went on. “If he has found some way to escape his prison or work from within it, he could be responsible for this.”
“Okay, let’s go kill him,” I said. “Ugh, again.”
“Be careful,” Princess Luna warned. “Tartarus has changed since you were there. It now holds many dangerous creatures, and you won't be able to rely on magic.”
“Wait, what?” I said, looking at the others. “You’ve actually been there?”
“We lock bad creatures away there,” said Twilight.
“But, like...it’s an actual place? I thought it was just what you called Hell.”
“Oh no, on the contrary,” said Sir Win, appearing just then. “We had to file copyright infringement. I’m contractually obligated to appear whenever someone makes a comparison and remind them that Hell and Tartarus are two different places.”
“Thanks, Sir Win,” I said. “I always did appreciate you.” Turning back to the others, I said, “So if Tartarus isn’t Hell, but it’s a place you can literally visit? I was under the impression that it was some sort of extradimensional holding facility, so you can see why I thought it was Hell.”
“Wouldn’t you of all people know about extra dimensions?” Twilight said.
“I would. I just never had any interest in Tartarus because I’ve never sent anyone there. In fact, I probably sent them to Hell.”
“Yep,” confirmed Sir Win.
I turned to him. “Do you want to come with us? I guess we’re going to go kill Tirek.”
“No we’re not. If he’s even responsible for this,” put in Twilight.
“Fine. I’m going to go kill Tirek and make you watch.”
“I must decline your invitation, but thank you,” said Sir Win. “I have a few things on my gay agenda today, but please do save a piece of him for me.”
I wasn’t sure what exactly he meant by that, but figured that presenting a demon with a literal pound of flesh probably wouldn’t be the worst gift he could receive.
The rest of us loaded up in Tin Mare, still dragging Neighsay. Twilight reluctantly gave Tin Mare the location of Tartarus and we headed off. I did another check of my pockets for my sunglasses, still not finding them.
I’d already gotten one surprise about Tartarus today, but I was still shaking my head when we arrived. The place was just a door in a mountain. A big door, but still.
“The good news is the seal isn’t broken, so we know Tirek didn’t escape,” said Twilight.
“Let me guess, you got bad news, too?” said Applejack.
Twilight nodded. “The last time I was here, I had to use magic to get in.”
“I got this!” Pinkie said. She knocked on the door. “Free pizza delivery!”
Nothing happened. I was actually kind of disappointed. But then, why? “So if he didn’t escape, then he’s not the one draining magic,” I said. “Not to mention, he can’t be the one draining magic if he doesn’t have enough power to break out.”
I turned to walk away, but Twilight said, “Wait, we still need to find out who is draining magic.”
“It’s not Tirek,” I said. “And if it is, what if luring us here to open the door and check was part of his plan?”
“If you’re so confident it’s not Tirek, then open the door,” she challenged.
I sighed. “Okay, I guess I did kind of want to kill him.”
That got her.
I lined up the underbarrel grenade launcher on my SCAR, but Sunset said, “We might want to close the door again, eventually.”
She had a point. I lowered my rifle and jerked my head. “Trixie, get the lock.”
“Unicorn magic is gone,” said Twilight.
“I’d be a terrible showmare if that was all I had up my sleeve,” said Trixie with a grin. Within thirty seconds, she’d picked the lock.
Those thirty seconds gave us time for a short conversation, though.
Rarity grumbled and waved at flies around her face. One landed on her nose and she clocked herself smacking at it. “Ow! Ugh! I have had it with these horrible flies! I miss my magic!”
“Have you tried using your tail to shoo them away?” said Twilight.
“Bite your tongue! It’s for decorative purposes only!” Rarity retorted.
“Though, maybe we wouldn’t be having these problems if we hadn’t just come from a burning garbage dump,” I said. “But if you’re going to shake your ass, I can go get Whitesnake’s car.”
“I really didn’t miss your confusing human references while I was gone, Valiant,” said Twilight.
“What human reference was he making?” Pinkie stage-whispered to Snakeyes.
“I have no idea,” she said.
“‘She was going to shake her ass on the hood of Whitesnake’s car?’ Bowling for Soup? It doesn’t ring any bells?” I said. “Aren’t you still in High School?”
“Just how long have you been out of high school?” she said. “Just how long have you been here in Equestria?”
“I’m not old.”
“That’s not what I asked. You even have a grandchild, age spells and nonbiological processes notwithstanding.”
“I’m not old,” I said again.
Trixie popped the lock and I was the first to rush in and away from the conversation.
Tartarus was...kind of disappointing. I’d started the day believing it was basically Hell, and discovered that it was pretty much a minimum security prison. Inside the door were a bunch of cages. That was it. Maybe this was why things kept escaping.
I mean, there was a giant three-headed dog on guard, but such a dog could be pacified with a tree, or three giant sticks.
Huh, hadn’t Guinness gotten a two-head dog? Doug and Ike, if I recalled correctly. Maybe that dog hadn’t made it into this version of the universe and that made me kind of sad. One more reason to turn back the clock.
There were all kinds of monsters in Tartarus. Looking around, I had some serious questions about the cutoff to get in. Just how bad did you have to be? Some of them seemed like beasts that don't know any better, the bugbear for instance. And if Fluttershy could ask animals not to do bad things, then why didn’t she? Not to mention, I think the bugbear and some of these other guys did way less damage than, say, Discord. Though, I guess anyone else had been killed by me, Trixie being the exception, so maybe Tartarus wasn’t such a useless place after all.
We found Tirek. He was locked in his cage.
“But... if he’s not behind the magic drain, then who is?” Twilight began to hyperventilate. “We don’t know what’s happening and our best lead had nothing to do with it!”
“Hey,” I said, “I could call up Matthew McConaughey and he could tell you it’s going to be alright alright alright.”
“I don’t know who that is, and it’s not going to be alright!”
I tapped my earpiece. “Tin Mare, play Hey Ya by Outkast. We’re going to need more alrights.”
I heard a cough. I turned to look at Tirek. He smiled. “Well, well, well. It seems my little protégé's plan worked after all.”
“Where is Equestria's magic going, Tirek? What's making it disappear?” Twilight demanded.
“If you let me out, I'm sure it will jog my memory. What do you say? I scratch your back, you scratch mine?”
“Uh, more importantly,” said Applejack, “Which little protégé?”
Tirek waved a hand. “Oh, we’ve never met. We’re pen pals. Each letter had so many questions about draining magic.”
“Who is it?” I asked.
He smiled again. “Oh? Why should I tell you?”
I pulled my Desert Eagle.
“O-okay,” he said, raising his hands. “Her name is Cozy Glow.”
I put a round through his forehead and he dropped like a sack of potatoes.
HeeeEEEyyy yaaa
“He told us what we wanted to know!” Twilight shouted. “And then you just murdered him! Right in front of us!”
I holstered the pistol. “First of all, I never said I wouldn’t kill him if he told us. You assumed. You do that a lot, Twilight. Second of all, he was responsible for this magic draining, even if he didn’t do it himself. Third: this is me we’re talking about. If anything, you should be thanking me for not causing any collateral damage.”
“That’s not a thing to thank someone for! That should be standard and expected!”
I shrugged and turned for the door. “Maybe I respond best to positive reinforcement. I guess we’ll never know, because instead of trying to teach, you left me in charge of the School of Friendship.”
On the way to the door, I suddenly saw a portal open on the ceiling and a pile of trash come tumbling through onto an empty cage. I looked up, seeing a surprised Guinness on the other side.
“Hey Guinness. I guess we finally know where the ‘trash’ setting on the portal in your bar goes to.”
“It’s been pretty convenient,” he said. “The savings alone make up for it.”
“Cool. I’ll stop by later.”
He waved and closed the portal again.
I grabbed Neighsay, still in his Tim Allen form, and shoved him into the cage, which was already ankle-deep in accumulated trash. I slammed the door and put a small portable speaker I’d developed down on the floor outside.
I set it to play an infinite loop of Hey Ya at full blast. It almost drowned out his screams.
We left and loaded on Tin Mare. “Set a course for Cosy Glow,” I said.
“You can’t kill a child, much less a student at the School of Friendship!” Twilight said.
“You keep saying things, but I keep doing them. Besides, don’t you want your magic back?”
“Hey, what about this music festival in Ponyville?” said Pinkie.
“Huh?” I said. I caught a subtle gesture from Pinkie to the others to play along.
“It’s going to be so rocking!” Pinkie said. “I booked The Eagles, the Beetles, The Birds, the Monkeys, Queen, Blue Oyster Cult, Scorpions, Sticks, Three Dog Night, and Deaf Leopard.”
“Holy shit,” I said. “I’m not even going to ask how. Let’s go.”
I did wonder what exactly Pinkie was playing at, because I felt that I was missing something, but was too blinded by the bands to notice.
I should have listened to the voice in the back of my head. When we arrived to the Richard Nixon Multipurpose Auditorium, I discovered that all the groups Pinkie had listed were in fact just the animals in the names. Well, okay, by “Queen” she’d meant “changeling queen,” and that wasn’t even accurate because all she could get was Thorax. “Sticks” turned out to be that one weird guy Mudbriar. “Three Dog Night” was Cerberus, and not even that because he was absent because of duty in Tartarus.
“Deaf Leopard” turned out to be a bipedal cat wearing clothes. He was missing most of one ear.
“Who the hell is this giant furry?” I said.
“I think he’s rather average-sized for a furry,” said Snakeyes, who promptly blushed as if she’d said too much.
“This is Cutter. He’s a friend of Capper,” said Pinkie.
“Who?” I shook my head. “Never mind, this concert is lame. Mudbriar isn’t even doing music, just some kind of Bible recitation.”
“I have chosen religion as my new pastime,” he called from the stage. Apparently the last time we’d met, I’d put the literal fear of God into him.
“He’s doing really well,” said Bible, appearing just then. “Which means I’m doing really well, having finally found something to do with myself. Nobody else around here really cares about monotheism.”
“That’s nice,” I said, “I wish you well. Now I’m going to go kill a small child.” I started to turn away, but paused. “Uh, those two things are unrelated.”
“Good to know,” he said. “Best of luck.”
“I’m going to stay here and try to clean this up and put on a real show,” said Trixie. She looked at Cordoba. “Now that you’re back in your own body, would you like to help?”
“¡Sí!”
I smiled at both of them and headed back for Tin Mare.
On the way, Pinkie pulled at the sleeve of my uniform. “Hey, you can’t go yet. We also have a giant pizza.”
“After that shitty excuse for a music festival, I’m not listening to your distractions right now.”
“No, really, it’s giant. We’re bringing it in on a train.”
Sure enough, I heard a train whistle and saw one pull up to the station in the distance. And… “Goddamn, that is a big pizza.”
I walked towards the station. I couldn’t help it. It wasn’t quite a smell wafting through the air and making me float towards it like in cartoons, but damn if it didn’t grab my attention.
As I approached, it seemed to be drawing a crowd. The pizza took up a whole train car. The engineer on the locomotive blew the whistle again. I’m not sure why, half the town was already there.
“Stop it,” I said. “I don’t need anymore distractions now.” I picked up a slice.
He blew the whistle again.
“Sunset, choke that bitch.”
Sunset did.
I meant the engineer, but I guess the whole train works, too. Pizza my heart.
I got as much pizza as I could, but with everyone there it went fast. Finished up, I started to go for Cozy Glow again, but Pinkie jumped in front of me. “Hey! Did you forget that today is Matrixmas?”
“Uh...yes.”
“Here’s your present from Keanu!” She shoved a wrapped box into my hands.
I opened the package. The gift and the handwritten note from him inside were so thoughtful and touching that I can’t repeat them here because I tear up just thinking about it.
“Oh...oh my God,” I said, clutching it to my chest.
“Whew,” said Pinkie. “My long game of creating a fake holiday came in handy after all.”
“What!? Matrixmas isn’t real?”
“Well, no. We don’t actually have Keanu Reeves in this world.”
“Just when I was thinking this universe wasn’t so bad after all!” I stormed away.
Tin Mare had been running scans and located Cozy Glow in the tunnels connected to the destroyed library basement. Angrily needing a distraction from Pinkie’s distraction, I headed there.
Cozy must have been quick to set up. We’d only just cleared the eldritch tentacle vines out of the tunnels. I led the way in, with the others trailing behind me, and shortly came upon her base of operations.
When I walked in, I saw a complicated-looking spell construct built among a cleared area of debris. And in the center, was my missing pair of sunglasses.
Huh, she’d apparently figured out a new way to use ghost power. This seemed like a pretty complicated spell, especially for a pegasus filly.
I vaguely knew Cozy - I was the school principal after all - but had no idea she was doing or even capable of something like this.
“You can’t kill her!” Twilight was still saying as we came in.
Cozy turned to look at us. “Well, well, well, if it isn’t the failed administration. You even had to bring back Twilight Sparkle to clean up your mess. But it’s too late. You never explored the friendship side of this school of friendship, so I’m taking over.”
“I have no idea how stealing all the magic in Equestria is supposed to accomplish that,” I said. “Your plan is dumb.”
“Well, I’ll credit you for speaking to me like an adult,” she said. “But since I’ve already implemented my plan and nothing can stop me, I’ll tell you why your shortsightedness can’t understand this. You see, I’ve made friends of every student at the school. When ponies see that I’m the best friend out there, and with magic gone, there won’t be any ponies with better friendship than me!”
“Okay,” I said, “yeah, no. If you’d actually studied anything I was teaching at school, you’d know that there’s an extremely fatal flaw in that plan.” I pulled out my Desert Eagle.
“What’s that thing?” said Cozy. She smirked. “Not that it matters. Friendship isn't magic, friendship is power! With the magic of the Element of Harmony out of my way, all of Equestria will bow to me, the future Empress of Friendship!”
I blew her brains out.
“Valiant, you can't kill a child!” Twilight screamed.
“Twilight, you’re the one who thought it would be funny to make me a school principal. Does it surprise you that I’m terrible at it?”
“But-but-!”
“You even say it like it's the first time I've done this.”
Speaking of, I turned and put a bullet in Fizzy's gut. Surprise went across his face, and his blood went across the wall. He only had seconds left on this plane of existence and for some reason decided to use it playing the sympathy card. “Grandfather, why have you forsaken me?”
“I think we both know the answer to that question, assprick.”
“Fair enough,” he said, and died.
I pulled a vial out of my cargo pants pockets and bottled some of his blood. I needed it for a demon sacrifice ritual.
It was about then that I realized that, yes, I had just killed my grandson. Um. I would maybe not tell Trixie about this. Only more motivation to turn back the clock on the universe.
I stood up. “Okay, show’s over. Everybody go home.”
“We have to take down that spell, don’t we?” said Applejack.
I glanced at the still-active spell matrix. “DEVGRU will handle it. Everybody go have a drink on me and maybe try to get on with your lives.”
Twilight still looked shell-shocked from everything that had happened, but actually listened to me for the first time that day. The others followed her out.
“Okay,” I said when it was just me and Snakeyes left. “Let’s get to resetting the universe.”
“You mentioned that,” she said. “But I thought we were going to stop this spell and free the magic.”
“Considering that this has got so much magic pent up inside it, it’s the perfect source for the dimension-twisting I’m going to do. We can send you back to your home dimension and I can roll back the clock on this one. Come on, it’s not like we’re getting rid of the magic, just borrowing it. Plus, when the timeline goes back, this will have never happened.”
“Okay,” she said reluctantly, and began laying out the spell.
I pulled out a flask and began drinking. I do my best work when hammered.
Based on my direction, some chalk marks on the floor, Fizzy’s blood, and a couple subtle spell tweaks from Snakeyes, we got it all set and ready to go. Tin Mare provided guidance, with her processing power able to see potential futures she was able to help us get everything set up and sorted.
“Okay,” said Snakeyes, stepping back to look at our handiwork. “I think that just about does it.”
“One more thing,” said Tin Mare. “Are you sure you want to delete the backups of the current universe?”
I took a swig. “Yeah, I know what I’m doing.”