//------------------------------// // Chapter 2: Getting Settled In // Story: My Life As A Psychopathic Nine Year Old Filly // by deadpansnarker //------------------------------// If Tirek's dire warning that the 'guards' were rapidly approaching was meant to calm me down, it somehow failed to have the desired effect. You see, when you're sucked into a new world that hitherto only existed on the inside of a television set, and cast into the body of a little brat who you happen to despise with every fibre of your being... well, let's just say you have bigger problems to concern yourself with, at least from my now much smaller perspective. I'd advanced from pinching my new pink fur everywhere to pulling at the feathers on my wings, and even decided to bash my head against the bars to prove to my hysterical self that this awful experience was little more than an imaginary continuum of my earlier psychedelic trauma. You know, the one where a garishly-coloured filly poked her head out of my computer screen, when I was preparing to 'pop my cherry' that evening with the love of my life? Oh, how I shook with laughter at the time! Not so much now, oddly enough. Ouch-ie! Alas, the resulting headache from the metallic impact didn't exactly dispel the growing notion this was all actually happening (incredible as it may seem) . The only reward I got for my determination was a throbbing lump on my scalp, and as I instinctively went to rub it, the sensation of fuzzy pointed ears where human ones used to exist didn't exactly reduce the very real possibly of an imminent nervous breakdown. "Um, Prisoner 2, are you quite finished? Giving yourself an injury is not going to get you transferred to a more cushy location, you know. We have fully trained medical personal on standby to treat any potential emergencies, from a common cold to a cardiac arrest. So if that is your game, you might as well quit now, because it's not going to work." What was that? I stopped cradling my aching forehead long enough to glance up at the six, no, three (damn that temporary double vision) soldiers on the scene who were now staring quizzically at me from just outside my cage. The central stallion, the tallest one who proudly presented the Equestrian coat of arms seemed to be their leader, not to mention the pony who'd just chided me for my self-harm antics. Well, not actually me, but that body-snatching, magic-swiping stark-raving-bonkers filly who even now was probably endangering my chance of everlasting happiness with the future mother of my children in another reality. Based on canonical evidence alone, Cozy Glow didn't give a hoot about personal relationships: she'd most likely have split up with my lady love at the front door soon after arriving on Earth, and then proceed to begin concocting her sinister plan for conquering mankind unabated. Wait a second, what if just dumping my girlfriend isn't good enough for that crazy brat? What if Cozy decides to 'dump' her off a tall cliff instead, to eliminate any loose ends with my old life? And what if she decides to go further, and 'deal' with the rest of my family the same way? I mean, I've never really seen eye to eye with my dad, the stingy bastard. Also, ever since I unwittingly made the moves on my brother's fiancee one drunken Christmas party, we haven't exactly been bosom buddies either. But even so... "H-Help! Y-You have to help me!!" The thought of my nearest and dearest being in mortal peril had finally broken the log jam in my mind, and somehow I managed to push all the pent-up shock of entering a new dimension to speak to these armoured ponies in desperation. Well, yell obnoxiously at them, really. "C-Cozy Glow... s-stole body... m-materialised in bedroom... s-she had Twilight's magical artefact and potion... I-I'm from another universe... n-need to get back there... p-people I care about... i-in terrible danger... wow, is that what I sound like?! Aargh, wing cramp!" As you can see, I wasn't exactly at my coherent best during that particular moment, but I thought my summation of recent events was reasonably accurate. So, taking in a deep breath, I waited patiently for the guards to let me go, so I could head off to see one of the Princesses or something, and return to whence I belonged ASAP to 'take care of business'. Sadly, as was going to be the case for a lot of whats to follow, things didn't quite work out that way. The first clue to my abject failure to communicate should've been an eavesdropping Tirek visibly hoofpalming in the background, as if even he was embarrassed for my performance. As for the mini troupe of guards, the two side ones looked more nonplussed than ever before, while their commander, who obviously had no time for such silly shenanigans, came closer to address me gruffly from his previous vantage point. "Miss Cozy Glow, whilst we all deplore your recent activities in almost stripping everypony in Equestria of their unique powers, no one ever accused you of lacking in imagination. I do have to say though, that's your most fantastical story yet! Why you wasted your talent on a futile mission to rule the world instead of trying to be a top-selling author is beyond me, as every other creature who's read about your case would agree. Still, as they say...' don't do the crime, if you can't serve the time'. Now, as to why we came over to speak to you in the first place..." The captain's instant dismissal of my emotional pleas hit me like a ton of bricks, and it wasn't too long before my new girlish hormones began responding to my downbeat mood. Against my express wishes, a few stray tears began leaking forth from my sodden eyes, and only by sheer force of will was I able to avoid having a shameful bawl-fest in front of these burly stallions. Unlike my somewhat garbled explanation as to what I'd been through earlier though, my watery display genuinely seemed to surprise the soldiers. I could see them whispering frantically in each other's ears, and even Mr Stoic himself looked as if he was a little touched. "Well, I must tell you Miss Glow, if I wasn't so sure you were a nearly irredeemable equine of pure malice, I'd be tempted to rush in there myself now to give you the biggest hug. I have two daughters around your age though, so I suppose that makes me a bit more susceptible than most. That spontaneous crying just there almost seemed real, much more convincing than your usual crocodile tears! I would give you some credit for practicing, but considering how my unicorn wife was left stranded in a Fillydelphia hospital when you took away her powers, so she gave birth to our third child without me being present, my sympathy is in somewhat short supply for you right now. Now get ready to move, you have visitors. I won't ask again." "V-Visitors?" My inquisitiveness as to who'd want to willingly seek the company of the foul filly who's frame I now frequented confused me adequately to halt the waterfall of moisture pouring down my cherubic cheeks. "B-But w-who?!" "You know dam- apologies, darn well 'who' Miss Glow, as you've been given constant reminders of this special occasion since you arrived this month, when we bring you your daily gruel." The commander almost let his anger spill over enough to utter a mild profanity in front of a 'child', but he quickly corrected himself. "I will now unlock your cage door, so please move to the back of the cell, and raise your hooves where I can see them. Any funny business, such as tickling me like last time and trying to fly away, will be met with the most fierce of sanctions. You wouldn't like us to clip your wings, would you?!" I was sure the frustrated stallion with a personal grudge was just making empty threats, as none of the friendly ponies I know on the show would ever sign off on something so barbaric (they still stuck a little girl in the equivalent of Hell though, so go figure) but with an almost broken spirit by now, I saw no other choice but to agree. "Good, we're finally getting somewhere. While you're gone, your entire living area will be searched thoroughly by me for any possible contraband. If you haven't brought anything in you shouldn't have, you have nothing to worry about. During your stay here, I can either be your best friend... or your worst enemy. Just make sure you never forget that." The captain finally looked like he was beginning to relax a little, which must've been a rare thing in his current assignment. After all, having a demented filly as resourceful as Cozy Glow around must keep you on your toes (or hooves) pretty much 24/7. No wonder he seemed so cranky, with bags the size of suitcases under his eyes. Something else he'd said struck me though, and it helped clear up at least one mystery inside my utterly bewildered head. Of course, Cozy had to know that her cell would be inspected today, that's why she made good her escape! The guards would in all likelihood have discovered that potion and portal device, and that would've been it for her chances of getting away! That clever little... grr. As much as I hated singing the praises of the former occupant of this wretched body I now forcibly inhabit, and couldn't help but have a reluctant admiration for the way she seemed to have left no stone unturned in her cunning plan. She left nothing to chance in her bid to conquer another world, seeing as she'd failed so miserably in Equestria. Still, it doesn't mean I have to like her. The sneaky, nasty, conscience-less b*tch. My train of thought was abruptly interrupted by the feeling of two pairs of hooves on my back, as the dual companions of the big boss man guided me out of the now unlocked cage to accompany me to see Celestia-knows-who. Great, now I'm even starting to use pony phrases instead of human ones. This time tomorrow, I'll probably be chewing grass and shitting on the floor. Oops, I almost forgot, they have private cubicles here. How civilised. I guess it'll be my first time in the 'ladies' soon. Whoopee. During my short walk (which seemed longer than it should, thanks to my little legs) to meet the ones who deemed it necessary to say 'hello' to a Grade A sociopath, a few stray sights caught my eye to blessedly distract me from the awful situation I now found myself in, at least temporarily. Tirek watching me depart with interest... a snoring Cerebus in the corner (boy, he was loud)... and the various other not-so mythical creatures I'd heard upon arrival, always trying to break free of their restraints to create strife in the world outside. Obviously helping Twilight break out had no positive effect on their mindsets at all: they were all just as belligerently 'evil' as before, showing this truly was the best place for them. Well, whatever the case, it certainly wasn't the best place for me, or for the family and friends I needed to protect from the wiles of that incorrigible menace. I needed to blow this joint, reclaim the form that was rightfully mine, and stop that devious child once and for all. With any luck, whoever had just turned up could help me towards that goal. I crossed my hooves, more in hope than expectation. At long last, we finally arrived at a door chiselled out roughly in the rock, which had evidently never been shown in the show. In big, bold letters the carving on the front said 'WAITING ROOM', it's purpose revealed straight away. As soon as I got in there (with the guards waiting outside, so there must be no escape routes in here, mores the pity) I heard three voices engaged in what sounded like quite a feisty discussion. One was very familiar, the other two... not so much. "...I assure you, she's receiving the very best care here! You have my solemn vow!" "We're not disputing that! What we're telling you, is that it's highly inappropriate to hold our daughter inside arguably the worst jail in the whole of Equestria! Whatever her crimes might be, no child of her tender years deserves to be kept prisoner in such a dangerous environment, surrounded by such awful creatures too! Can't you think about this again, Miss Glimmer?" "S-Sorry madam, whether I agree with you or not, my hooves are tied on this matter. It was Celestia herself who sent her here, and as you should be aware there's no higher authority than hers in the entire realm. If you want to discuss it with her, I'm sure we can set up a meeting..." "You're darn right I want to 'discuss it with her'! In fact, I'd go further... if my daughter is not relocated to a proper facility pertaining to her age and needs, I shall see to it that there are pickets and protests everywhere, until this wholly unjustified verdict is overturned! We all know she did wrong, and must be punished. B-But not like this, not like this... please, Miss Glimmer, me and and my wife are begging you to help us..." "P-Please sir, while I want nothing more than to take you and your lovely wife's pain away, you have to understand.... this is completely out of my jurisdiction. The only thing I can do is try and counsel you three to mend your broken bond, as is my normal day job. Now, why don't we all sit down in quiet while we wait for..." "COUGH COUGH"! Obviously, I hadn't meant to choke there, it'd just slipped out due to all the dust emanating from the much neglected room. A shame really, because it sounded like quite an interesting conversation... which I'm sure wouldn't be continued with me hanging around. Still, now that all three faces had spun around in my general direction, I could finally identify... well, at least one of them. Starlight Glimmer was first up, the character with the weak backstory but strong development. Over three seasons since her conversion from bad to good, she's quickly grown into one of my favourite characters. If anypony, I mean 'anyone' can get me out of this mess, surely it has to be the most powerful unicorn in all of Equestria! Suddenly, things were starting to look up a bit. As for the other two ponies... well, they weren't familiar to me at all. I've seen all the episodes multiple occasions, too. Yep, I'm a 'total nerd'. You wanna make something of it? Now, lets see... both are pegasi, one is a female whose coat is pink with a queen piece from chess as a cutie mark, whilst the other one is male whose fur is almost as blue as the sky, and his special symbol is that of the king from the same game. Now, I'm quite sure I've never seen either of them before, even as background ponies. In that case, why do they seem so...? Then in hit me. Pale pink, like my own coat. Light blue, like my current atrocious mane-style. All the pieces were beginning to fit, and I needed to sit down. T-These are Cozy Glow's parents, and for the time being, mine too. Things just got a whole lot more complicated. Just what I need.