—(POV, McBad)—
I smile as I read a report from Yakville, dated a week ago. I knew they were defeated, at least, Satan did. He prepared his army. And hearing from my squad of frankly terrifying people is a great part of my day.
No casualties on our side, five hundred and twelve on their side. The nation of Yakyakistan has capitulated. Jim Pickens has got the populace painting for him. How I know? Well, the report is written on the back of a painting. The painting being one of, of course, Jim Pickens.
I look to Cross at my side, “I’m debating this. Should I hang this up, or keep it off?”
She shrugs, “Why would you want it up?”
I look at the painting, “I mean, it was made from basically slave labor, but it still looks good. I love how they managed to capture the absolute fear caused by being in his presence. And look at that hair, those glasses! So detailed, it would be a sin not to use this.”
Cross nods, “Well, Mister Pickens is quite a vain man. I think hanging this up could guarantee his loyalty for a bit. Maybe a hall of heroes. Hang up paintings of war vets and heroes.”
I snap, and nod, “That’s a wonderful idea! Let’s do that after we’re done with this war. Speaking of the war, anything I need to know?”
She takes out a clipboard, “Equestria is pushing the Griffons back to Griffonstone with the assistance of our 23rd Division. We have yet to hear of any casualties outside of Griffon ones. The Minotaur theater is being held back by a combined force of the 1st and 2nd Starlightgrad Regiments, and Changeling infiltration. The Minotaur have lost over a thousand by tactical poisoning from the Changelings, five of ten High Generals have been assasinated, and another ten thousand by ambushes. Half their force is gone. We have suffered about one hundred casualties, including wounded. Sergeant Will has trained another Regiment, ready to reinforce any front.”
I nod, “Tell them to support Starlightgrad. Get Tirek to preform a song out there to inspire the troops. What has Lightning done?”
She flips to another paper, “He says that improvements have been made on the mechs. He has reinforced the design to withstand more damage without the sacrifice of speed or maneuverability. He also added something called a H.U.D, a Heads Up Display that can display system information, enemy information, spot projectiles, receive orders, and speed up reactions. He also invented something called a ‘Lightning Shock’ a type of device that sends out a burst of lightning when it goes off. Another thing called a ‘McBad Cocktail’ a bottle of alcohol, a rag, and a lighter that can set things on fire when thrown. A grappling hook for both infantry and mechs that allows them to grapple onto things, called a ‘Cross Grapple’ aw, that’s cute. And a final thing called a ‘Pickens Dagger’ that... injects a spell into the enemy stabbed that eats them from the inside out and uses the material gained to heal or give energy to the stabbed. That’s... exactly something Pickens would want. That worries me.”
I nod, “Good, he’s actually doing something. Those actually sound very useful. And is that all?”
She turns to yet another page on her seemingly endless clipboard, “Ah, no. In fact, this is the most worrying news. Hoofler is advancing into our lands from the west. We completely forgot about him, so we have no forces there. We still have the 1st Divison here, they could go to defend. But from what we’ve heard, Hoofler has powerful war machines. Not as strong as our mechs, but more mass produced. They also have some air support, but that should be easily taken out by our pegasi support.”
A voice sounds from beside us, “Oh, you need not worry about those war machines.”
I turn to see Satan standing there, enjoying another glass of whiskey. Cross hasn’t met him, so she jumps back in surprise, “Who are you?”
I hold up my hand between them, “Satan, this is Cross Stitch, my advisor slash tailor slash assistant. Cross, this is Pony Satan, our ally and a surprisingly kind guy for being the literal Devil.”
Cross hesitantly holds out a hoof, “Nice to meet you?”
He takes her hoof, and shakes with vigor, “I’d hope it is. I do try my best to be agreeable.” He takes another sip of his whiskey, and burps fire, “Excuse me.” He drains the glass, “Now, as I was saying. You don’t need to worry about Hoofler’s mass production. You have my army ready to go, and they are experts at killing those devices. In fact, it will be even easier. I hardly think the Hoofinburg class, or the Pastern classes one through five, or the King Horse can really stand up to the Panzer, Panther, or King Tiger. Tank building is a new thing for them, only since Kaiser Witherhelm the Second died and Hoofler came into power have they been building them. We can take them easily. I’m moving out now, I will wait for your army to arrive before we start the battle.”
I nod, and he disappears within a burst of hellfire. I sigh, and readjust my Sombra cape, “I’ve become too serious. I’m not having fun as I used to.”
Cross nods, “It’s all because of this war. You are becoming serious, because you have people to protect. But we continue.”
I nod, “We push forward against the encroaching enemy. We will liberate them from these tyrants they call leaders. Then, we can return to normal. Next month is the 2nd Bananaramma Food Fight. I need the war done by then. If that’s managed, we can go have fun.”
She writes something down on a paper, “I’ll inform the soldiers of our goal.”
I nod, “Good. Tell Starlightgrad to push back against the Minotaurs with the new soldiers arriving.”
She smiles, “And what shall you do, Sir?”
I smooth out my robe, “Lead the charge. If I could survive the War of the Combine, I can survive out there. Just like that war, my guards need inspiration. Get an airship ready for me.”
She nods, “Right away, McBad. Good luck out there.”