The Solar Diarch, the bringer of light, for the longest time the sole ruler of Equestria. My mother, Princess Celestia Orlais Everfree, she was a very tall woman due to being an Allblood, or as the common folk would say, an Alicorn. She's been alive for many many years, some say since before written history, and while they're not wrong it's still rude to burst into the throne room and ask her how old she is. She stood at 6'9 and weighing none of my fucking business, besides the magical flowing hair, and her height, it was her bust. The size of her tits make her the envy of all other women in the world. In case you were wondering what her cup size is? It's 64 I, you fucking perverts.
She looked at me with that motherly gaze she gave all of her subjects, the one I hated. I took a sip of the bourbon that I had poured for myself, "Stop looking at me like that." I said, breaking the silence between the two of us.
"I wasn't expecting you today." Celestia said, dropping her motherly gaze for one of slight annoyance.
"I've become the bearer of the element of surprise, don't tell the girls that there's a 7th element of harmony." I smirked, "I did however tell you that I was coming, you should've expected me at any day."
"Fair enough, I only came by here because a citizen matching your current description used a password that only one person knows." Celestia crossed her arms.
"How come you never told me that there was a police investigation?" I asked.
"I didn't want to burden you with the knowledge." Celestia muttered.
"Yes, that seems to be a reoccurring theme with you, never letting anyone know about some horrible secret until it's too late." I said, "I can't blame you, knowledge is power and holding all the knowledge of eldritch abominations is holding all the power." I took another sip of my drink.
"That's not fair." Celestia said.
"You fear your public, that's why you use that matronly gaze with them. To coddle them into a state of false security, when in fact the world could be destroyed any other Tuesday." I said, "But I'm not here to talk about the semantics of your ever shrinking morality and talk about why you didn't tell me that Twilight has gone nearly bankrupt on multiple occasions trying to find me, and has now hired me to find myself." I took out a file and threw it on a coffee table that separated the two of us. I finished my bourbon and set the glass down on her desk.
"Well, what would you have done?" Celestia asked.
"I would've at least sent them a letter that I was alive and happy. Tell them to move on and not spend a FUCKING FORTUNE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T WANT TO BE THERE!" I yelled at her suddenly before calming down and regaining my neutral tone of voice. "Twilight, is almost destitute trying to find me and you did nothing. Someone who practically worships the ground you walk on the and the ground before that and you just sat there and watched as she spent and wasted money."
"I never said I was perfect, but she's a grown woman." Celestia argued.
"Just barely, I had to make sure she took a shower, ate, and slept on a regular schedule. I was basically her drugs, I did everything she didn't want to do and now that I'm gone she's been suffering from withdrawal." I said, "She's been in the first stage of grief for almost a year now and you did nothing. You made her into the princess of friendship not the princess of being a well adjusted person. It seems like you kinda skipped out on that part when you took her in as your personal student and not giving her the time to grow into her own."
"I tried once with Sunset Shimmer and she left." Celestia said.
"At the very least you didn't have to worry about her having an mental breakdown every time you mention the word test." I said, "You gave her all the tool she needed to learn about friendship when she was a grown adult, basically you manipulated a little girl into your own tool but that's neither here nor there."
"When did you become so wise?" Celestia asked.
"It's called taking a fucking break, you want to keep your sanity and not wind up like your sister or Discord? Go on a fucking vacation, because from the way I've seen you're on a one way track to looney bin town with no fucking stops." I said.
"I have the distinct feeling this isn't entirely about you." Celestia said.
"Unloading a lot that I couldn't put on a paper." I said, "So you're gonna have to bear with it."
"Fair enough." Celestia acquiesced.
"Let's get back to why I originally came here. How come you never told them that I was at least still alive?" I asked.
"I didn't think it was my place to say..." Celestia mumbled, yet I picked up on it.
"Yeah, your son goes missing without a trace and you show no emotion or concern whatsoever. Leads a lot of people to believe that you're a psychopath. I'm guessing more people have been walking around on eggshells with you ever since I 'disappeared'." I put air-quotes around disappeared.
"I, well yes. I fail to see how the two are related." Celestia said in a questioning tone.
"Politician, leader, and princess you excel at. An actress you are not, you show no emotion or concern towards your own family, people are going to think a few things. Either, you're in so much denial that you don't want to accept that I'm gone, and hallucinate that I'm still here OR that you've never cared in the first place and care even less about the people you lead."
"I do though!" Celestia shouted.
"Your actions towards my 'disappearance' and 'death' point to the contrary. You were never good at reading a room full of your own subjects, you just look at them with that condescending motherly smile and gaze and hope everything will turn out alright when it doesn't. You say you're a princess, but you act more like a queen behind the guise of something that sounds a bit nicer." I said.
"That's not true!" Celestia shouted once more.
"Then tell me of one time when you didn't look at me with that same smile and gaze, feigning interest in me and pushing me aside to work on being a princess instead of raising me. Pawning me off to the person you thought I was closest to, well look how that panned out mother." I finished sarcastically.
"What are you saying Spike?" Celestia asked.
"Don't call me that! Let's just say that the girls weren't the only person that I wanted to get away from. Now I came here for answers and I think I'm more than deserving of them!" I yelled, "So tell me just why you didn't at least tell Twilight that I was ALIVE!?"
"I WAS SCARED!" Celestia finally answered and started to cry into her hands. "All this time, when you've been away I was scared, whenever you visited me I was so scared to do anything that might push you away from me!"
"So basically, you did to me what you did to your sister, minus the part where you send me to the moon for 1,000 years." I crossed my arms and sat back down. "You're going to have to do a lot in order to make up for all this shit you've put me through."
Celestia looked up, or should I say down at me from her crying, "I, I wouldn't know how to begin." She admitted.
"Stop with the matronly smile you give to every one of your subjects to me, and actually help your friends. If you can call them that." I said as I stood up and began to walk out. "You're going insane mom, you keep repeating the same thing over and over again expecting a different outcome. Take a fucking vacation." I then left the room and pulled out my cell phone, calling Quick as I went back to the elevator. "Hey, it's me. Meet me at the hotel, pack our stuff, and check out for us. We're headed to Ponyville."
I met quick back at the hotel and she had the stuff packed and ready to go, I opened the trunk to put the luggage in. Quick looked at me, "So did you find anything out about Spike?"
That jolted me out of my stupor, "Uh, no. My contact at the palace didn't have any information for me, all they knew was that Spike's last location was Ponyville before he disappeared."
"Oh well, at least you got in, no one gets in usually." She smiled, "Must know someone that's pretty high up on the ladder to let a total stranger inside." She went to get in the passenger side.
"Hey Quick, can you drive a stick?" I asked her.
"Yeah, why?" She replied to my question with her own and I tossed her the keys to the car.
"You drive this last leg, my way of showing thanks for letting me sleep in the bed with you." Quick had the biggest grin on her face that I'd ever seen. I followed it up with this, "However, this isn't a permanent thing. Got it?"
Quick nodded and I got into the passenger side, I adjusted the seat as she adjusted the driver's seat. "Next stop, Ponyville!"
I sighed and smiled at her enthusiasm, she shifted the car into reverse and then we soon pulled out of the hotel and we were back on the highway. Hold onto your asses Ponyvillagers. Spike is coming home.