“So… you really want to go through this?”
Celestia nodded. “I think that it must be done, Raven. Of course, I won’t lie in saying that I feel somewhat nervous to do be doing this, but I can’t pass away without getting a few things off my chest.”
Her adviser glanced up at the clock in the waiting room they were in. “But to do this live? On the radio? For everypony to hear?”
The Sun Princesses nodded.
Then, one of the two doors in the room opened in which an old, bearded gray stallion stepped through. The unicorn had on a long blue cloak with yellow stars, crescent moons and jingling bells stitched as well as his pointed hat. “Princess Celestia,” the stallion immediately went over to hug her, “I came as soon as I heard.”
Celestia put a wing around him to hug him back. “Thank you Starswirl for coming out here. I hope it wasn’t too much trouble asking you-”
“Celestia, don’t,” the old wizard held up a hoof, “you are never a burden to me. Although, I was pretty… shocked when I read your letter. I didn’t want to believe it, but when it turned out that it wasn’t a joke… I came as quickly as I could.” There was a long awkward pause between them. “How uh… how is Princess Luna holding up?”
“I think she’s trying to hold up a brave face. With what time I have left, I have a couple of things in mind that I wanted to do with those I love and care for before my…” she cleared her throat. “For the time being, I want to have this time to see you. As well as to uh… talk with you.”
“Oh… I understand.” He nodded before asking. “But why here? At these radio stations?”
Before Celestia could respond, the second door opened up in which a mare poked her head in. “Princess, Mr. Starswirl, you’d better hurry in, we’ll be on the air in a few minutes.”
“Good luck, your Majesty,” Raven said as the two entered pass a small control room into the recording room where the walls and ceiling were covered in gray, foam pyramids, microphones that dangled from the ceiling, a desk with a few chairs with a stallion with a slicked-back mane that wore a grin.
The earth pony got up from his chair to shake both of their hooves. “Princess Celestia, Mr. Starswirl, it’s such an honor.” He said in a smooth voice in which every word he spoke sweetly to the ear.
Starswirl raised an eyebrow. “I’m sorry, who are you?”
“Chatter Box.” He replied. “Host to Equestria’s number one radio talk show: Canterlot Chatter 98.5. But come in, sit down – oh and uh, sir, would you mind taking off your hat? We don’t want to have any distracting noises for the broadcast.”
Although a little perplexed, Starswirl placed his hat on the desk as well placing his cloak in a corner of the room before taking a seat. As soon as he did, another pony came in to adjust the microphones were at the right height for him and Celestia. Once that was done, the pony who entered, exited by closing the door behind as a voice came on the speakers.
“Alright we’re about to come back from our commercial break, are you guys ready?” They nodded. “We’re live in five, four, three…” a few beats later, a red light came up from the window that showed the control room lit up, and Chatter began to speak into a nearby microphone.
“Hello and welcome to Canterlot Chatter 98.5, this is your host Chatter Box. This afternoon we have a very special treat for all you listeners because here with me in the studio are two of the most famous and arguably the most mysterious ponies in Equestrian history. I have with me thee Princess Celestia.” He waved a hoof at her.
“Hello.” She said into her microphone.
“And also here is the famous Starswirl the Bearded.”
“Um… good afternoon?” he blinked. “I’m sorry, but how exactly does this work?”
“What? Being on a talk show?” Chatter inquired, and the old unicorn nodded. “Well it’s pretty easy, here we have guests that come to the show in which we talk about anything. Politics, comedy, embarrassing stories, whatever you guys want really. But I guess to start out, I want to ask you, Princess Celestia, why did you decide to come to my show? Everypony knows that you are notoriously difficult to so much as getting an interview from you, so what’s the special occasion?”
“It’s very simple,” Celestia said with a smile. “I’m dying.”
There was a very uncomfortable pause in the recording room. Even Starswirl noticed that the ponies in the control room were doing a double take at what they’ve just heard.
“Uh…” Chatter blinked. “Say that again?”
“I’m dying.” The white alicorn repeated. “I found out a few days ago from my doctor that I have a rare form of brain cancer in which I don’t have very much time to live. So, to answer your question, I came here and brought my former teacher along to get a few things off my chest. There are plenty of things that I have been keeping a secret in which, I think it’s finally time for me to let those out while I still can.”
“O-Oh…” The radio pony across from them stuttered. “Princess, I’m so sorry to-”
“It’s alright.” Celestia cooed. “I know that everyone listening to this is probably as shocked as you are, Mr. Box. But I can assure you, that my sister and I have made some plans in which Equestria will still be looked after. However, while I’m still here, I figured that I would take the time to come here. For my uh… first and last interview.”
“Excuse me, Celestia.” Starswirl raised a hoof. “Why did you bring me into this?”
“For several reasons. The first of which is that you’re the easiest pony alive that I can talk to. And some of the secrets that I have, in one way or another, concern you. So, I figured that I’d better just… do it now while I still can.”
Starswirl rubbed his temples. “Alright, I can see why with me. But why do you want to do it here?”
“Because I think that I want to come clean with everyone so that I may have a clear conscience before I go. This includes a few secrets and even embarrassing stories too.”
There was an awkward cough that came from their radio host. “Of course, Your Highness, we won’t force you to share anything you don’t want to.”
“Oh, trust me, you would definitely want to hear some of the things that I’ve been keeping ahold of for a long time. So, without wasting any more time…” She took in a deep breath and looking over to her old teacher, she said, “For starters, remember how Luna gets blamed for wetting the bed when we were younger? I lied - that was me. If anything, I didn’t really control it until I was in my four-hundreds and blamed it on her, even after we got our own rooms.”
Chatter Box tried to suppress a surprised guffaw when he heard that, while Starswirl’s jaw hung loose.
“I also was the first to invent the whole modern Goth look by accident, contrary to popular belief that it was my sister that created it. If anything, the trend came about by accident when I decided one day catch my nobles off guard by acting the very polar opposite of me. This included picking up a gloomy attitude, the dark dress, heavy eyeliner, and makeup, and preferring to be dead than alive any day. I did mean it as a joke to give nobles who thought they had me down a heart attack, only to find out that ponies thought I was putting out a new culture for them to copy. Then after a couple of emo musicians picked up the look it stuck ever since. So, for those complaining about Goths being around, yes, I’m taking responsibility for starting it.”
“Huh…” Chatter Box blinked. “The more you know.”
“Oh! And speaking of accidents,” Celestia continued, “I may or may not have unintentionally started the Prench Revolution.”
“Wait what!”
“Uh… Princess?” Starswirl raised a hoof. “What is the Prench Revolution?”
“Well…” Celestia said. “To put a very long and complicated story short, the Revolution in Prance was when the lower classes rose up to not only overthrow the Prench Monarchs but attempted to reinvent a new society while introducing a reign of terror through beheading of a device called the guillotine. Of course, I’m oversimplifying this, but for the sake of where I played a part in this. Well, it actually came about because of the arguments I had with the Prench Queen, Antoinette in which she started it.”
Her old teacher tilted his head. “What was the argument about?”
“Originally she made fun of my love of cake.”
“Wait, really?” The radio host blinked.
“Well yes,” she nodded, “a funny story. Back when we communicated through letters, I was introduced to cakes for the first time. Of course, I instantly fell in love with the stuff, so much so that for the longest time I had could do nothing but talk or write about it. Well, one day I got a letter in which she made fun of me. In fact, most of the stuff she said was later taken completely out of context. For example, this is an actual full quote from her: ‘For really Celestia, every line of your last letter spoke of nothing but the virtues of cake, the art of cake, the elegance of cake, the divine miracles of cake. At some point, if you really are as generous with your subjects as you say that you are, why not share it with your subjects? Perhaps, if there’s enough in the treasury, I should do the same thing too. And let them eat cake.’ Somehow, ponies in Prance got ahold of the letter and took it out of context. But what can I say, I do feel a little guilty for adding fuel to the fire before it all exploded.”
“So… Does Prance know this?” Starswirl asked.
“Well, I tried to explain the situation, however, by the time I got a reply back, I found out that they’ve already chopped off the king and queen’s heads off. Plus, things only got complicated when Neighpoleon took power. So I was, for the sake of international relationships to keep it a secret until they calmed down.”
“After several hundred years?” Chatter Box questioned.
“You’d be surprised how long a nation could hold a grudge. Like the time I got jealous of the early leaders of Equestria so I had them assassinated.”
Now everything became dead quiet from the other two stallions. “You what?” Starswirl spat out.
“Okay, before you jump to conclusions, hear me out. Chancellor Puddinghead was an idiot, Commander Hurricane came close to committing genocide on Earth ponies and Unicorns, and Princess Platinum… how to do I put this elegantly…? She was a super king Kamehameha bitch… What? It’s true! Chrysalis couldn’t hold a candle to the abuse she gives out. I know those listening think that I may have abused my power, but believe me, I’m an angel compared to her. She would rather let her own kingdom starve before she gives up on her pretentious luxury. Ever since day one since I’ve met her, I knew she had to go because if Equestria so much as let her be the sole ruler, the country would have fallen overnight. That’s how bad she really was. If anything, the ones that assassinated the three of them – didn’t have to! All they had to do was convince the ponies that were serving them to toss them into a cave full of wendigos. But hey, at least the country didn’t collapse with me and Luna in charge.”
She paused in her rant, tapping her chin. “Let’s see… what else…?”
“Dear Goddesses, Your Highness.” Chatter Box commented. “How come nopony knew about this until now?”
“You know those pageants ponies hold every year?” The two stallions nodded. “Back then, the stage was a way for ponies to be educated and entertained at the same time since a good chunk of the population was illiterate. Now before you jump to conclusions, we came to the throne when Luna and I had the mentality of teenagers in which, I’m ashamed to say, we didn’t exactly take negative criticism maturely. If anything bothered me, I had the pageant altered so it made me in a better light. A selfish thing to do, I know looking back. But as a teenager... I wasn't like how I am today.”
“Faust…”
“Oh! That reminds me.” Celestia exclaimed. “Since I’m going to be kicking the bucket soon, I guess I should finally straighten out a misconception.”
“What misconception?” Starswirl inquired.
“Well, I know that to this day there are some cults that worship Faust as this creator goddess who brought everything into our world into existence along with me and my sister to be the sole rulers of the land. In reality, Faust wasn’t a divine entity at all, nor a mare.”
The radio host’s jaw hung open. “What?”
“You know how some stallions are given a mare’s name through no fault of their own? Well, our father happens to fall into that category. I can’t remember why he was called Faust, but the name stuck for him, even when he tried to change it to something else, ponies still not only call him Faust but thought they were talking about a mare. When we came to the throne it made no difference, if anything, it only solidified the name. Ever since then, mythology sprang up in which we picked our father as a goddess when he was just an ordinary stallion who happened to father both my sister and me.”
“But why did you keep the name of Faust when your father didn’t like it.”
“Because he was a jerk, and I thought it would be funny.”
“I uh… see…” Chatter Box then changed the subject. “Now uh… you’ve mentioned that you had the mentality of a teenager when you began your rule, correct?” Celestia nodded. “So, what was your most embarrassing memory you have at that time?”
“Now that you’ve mentioned it. I did come close to exterminating the Flutter Ponies because of a misunderstanding. Hear me out!” She held up her hooves. “The first time I met them, they gave me the nickname of ‘Mountain Butt.’ At the time, I took it as an insult as you never say to a mare that her own hindquarters are big. Ever. Of course, I got so offended that I uh… declared war on them. As it turns out, it was surprisingly easy to win battles as they’re as fragile as butterflies. When we found the rest of them, I came ridiculously close to exterminating all of them, if I wasn’t explained why they called me that. As it turns out, in the Flutter Pony culture, particularly for a female, if your uh… plot was big, it was considered a mark of beauty. So, in a way, I nearly whipped out a race of ponies because I misunderstood the compliment they gave me. Needless to say, I learned the importance of keeping an open mind, as well as to give them a percentage of yearly bits as compensation for the whole fiasco.”
“So, is that why taxes are as high as they are?” Chatter asked dryly.
“Oh no, for that debt it only comes out of my own peruse as it was technically my fault. If anything, the real reason is that a portion of it goes to preventing humans entering Equestria.”
Now it was Starswirl’s turn to look shocked. “Hu-humans! My Lady, you must be joking.”
“Oh, if only I was. But yes, they do exist only both of our species have agreed a long time ago that we should be kept as far away from one another as possible. I guess it’s all for the best, as far as I know, they think that every one of us from unicorns to dragons, griffons to hydras are just as big as a myth as we do with them.”
“Wait, wait, wait.” Chatterbox interrupted. “Even if this is remotely true, how exactly do you know this?”
“It’s by a peace treaty that once a year I visit their leaders to reinstate to keep our civilizations at a good distance. Sure, the humans have been increasingly becoming more advanced, but unlike us, they don’t have a clue as to how to take care of their own kind. I mean, was going to finally open up so that both sides of the world can trade, that was if I hadn’t discovered that two-faced Nixon was cheating in a high-stakes card game. I’ll forgive humanity eventually just… not right now.”
“Huh…” Chatter slumped in his seat. “Are there other state secrets you’d like to share?”
“A few more, yes. Tell me, Mr. Box, have you ever been to the Grand Galloping Gala?”
“Well my wife wants to go one of these days, but the tickets are notoriously hard to come by, even for a radio host.”
“Then count your blessings that you haven’t been able to. Because, to be honest, I absolutely hate the Gala. In fact, before Princess Twilight and her friends came along to give the party some desperately needed spice, I came to despise the event.”
“How come?” Starswirl asked.
“Well, I don’t get to do much of anything than be the official greeter to shake everypony’s hoof. Since there’s so many that by the time I get to the last one, the party is over. I couldn’t exactly do anything about it considering how prestigious the overall event has become. However, that didn’t mean that I didn’t do anything besides shaking hooves. Tell me, have you heard about the most common complaint at the Gala?”
“That one of the punch bowls tasted off?” Chatter Box guessed.
“There’s a reason for that. I pee in it.” Both stallions were once again in a state of shock. “Trust me, if you had to spend all year long with nobles that get a heart attack if they say hello to a commoner, insisted that they should have the world served to them on a platinum, diamond plated pallet, and then have the audacity to place you as the official greeter in which you never get to attend the very party that is supposed to be meant for you decade after decade, you probably want to spike the punch to leave a bad taste in their mouths too.”
“Really Celestia,” Starswirl scolded, “here I thought I taught you better.”
“You taught me to never give into extremes unless absolutely necessary. So, I did. Oh I tried asking those nobles three times if I could actually be with them during the Gala. And three times this was denied to me. Don’t say that I didn’t try to warn them.”
“So, uh…” Chatter Box cleared his throat. “I’m afraid we’re running out of time here. So is there anything else you’d like the rest of the nation to know?”
“Well… Yes.” Celestia blushed. “There is one more, somewhat embarrassing thing that I should finally get off my chest.” She took in a deep breath and let out: “I’m a virgin.”
For a moment, the two stallions looked at one another before returning their gaze at Celestia. “No, your Highness,” Chatter said, “I mean for one that’s been around as long as you have, are you telling me that you’ve never… ya know… rolled in the hay with-”
“Name one.” Celestia folded her forelegs. “Name one pony that I have taken up as a lover.”
“What about the Prince…” Starswirl started but trailed off. “No, he ended up leaving you.”
“What about that Princess…” Chatter Box was going to say but he stopped to think twice. “No, she didn’t really meet you… What about any of the Royal Guar- hold on, they would get executed if they so much as touched you…” A sudden realization dawned on both of them as they turned to Celestia. “Seriously? Never?”
“Never.” She confessed. “I mean, sure, I have my methods that assist my uh… needs. But never once, in all of my reign as Princess have, I ever found the time or the pony to give it up to. I know most ponies tend to think that I’m above sexuality, that I am this pure Goddess. The truth is that I just never was able to get around to it. Or at least, up until recently, found anyone that I would deem them worthy of my absolute trust in with such a personal matter. Of course, there’s still a few days left for me, so if everything goes right, I think I know who I would place my trust in before I go. So, if all goes according to plan, let’s just say expect a wedding to happen any day now.”
Chatter Box notices the light from the window has changed. “Well, Your Highness, I guess I wanna say thank you for coming onto the show. But I will say that before we go, that I think Equestria as a whole is going to miss you. I would say that what you just did is something very brave, and… on behalf of Equestria as a whole, for all that you’ve done for us, I guess I just wanna say, thank you.”
Celestia didn’t respond right away, but instead, she got up out of her seat, went around the table to hug him with a wing. “I couldn’t ask for better ponies to be responsible for.”
Taking in a deep breath, Chatter Box said into his microphone: “I believe that’s all the time we have now. I’d like to thank Princess Celestia and Starswirl for being here. This is Chatter Box on Canterlot Chatter 98.5 saying until next time, I’d hope to talk to you real soon.”
A moment later, they were off the air.
At that moment, Starswirl lit up his horn to pick up his hat and cloak. “I hope you realize that ponies are going to change their opinions on you for what you’ve done.”
Celestia smiled serenity. “I know. But at least my secrets are no longer mine to bare beyond the grave.”