//------------------------------// // Chapter 10: Fuck Making Chapter Titles // Story: Papers, Ponies, and Attitude // by Yellowtail //------------------------------// Nightmare Night wasn’t too special. Got a day off, gave carrots instead of candy because I’m an ass, hung out with Whisk, Whisk dragged me to her apartment and made me watch horror movies, and hung out with Spearhead afterwards for a game of poker. Though, when I hung out at Whisk’s place, I was appalled at the fact that it was messy again. I cleaned everything up, and she bitched at me about it. Quite frankly, her room was the scariest part of the day. It’s been a week. Today, on November 6th, a Friday, the border is closed so that the new manager of the Checkpoint can get acquainted, while Lucky makes her way to leave. Spearhead, Segway, and I are running as fast as we can to say bye to our former boss. We all woke up late, and need to get our asses to the train station. As we come up, I can see Lucky starting to board the train. “WAAAIIIIT!!!” We all yell. She stops and looks over. She smiles weakly at us as we pant and gasp, walking up. “Hello everyone. Why’re you here?” She asks. I raise a hand. “To say goodbye-“ I pant, “to your small,” I pant, “midgety ass!” I finish, panting some more. Lucky frowns and starts walking to the train. “Wait!” I yell. I finally recompose my breathing as I hear Lucky laugh come back out with a grin. “Boss, we’re gonna miss you,” Segway says, finally catching his breath as well. We both look at Spearhead, but he’s on the ground. “Oh Celestia, my legs burn,” he whines. We all chuckle at that. Lucky looks at us all here, seeing her off as she’s about to start a new chapter in her life. “Thank you all, I didn’t think you would actually say bye to me,” she says. I smirk. “I had to deal with your scrawny ass for half a year. We’re practically buds since you didn’t kill me by now, with all the messing around I did,” I joke. She giggles. Spearhead finally gets up. “Boss, as a member of the royal guard, it was an honor serving under you,” he says, bowing. Lucky rolls her eyes. “Get up, you’re reminding me how short I am,” she says. “Yeah, I’m supposed to do that,” I say, bopping Spearhead lightly. Lucky looks at Segway suddenly. “And Sergui, before I forget, do me a favor and never be in charge,” she says. We all start chuckling slightly at that sentence. “Hey! Why not!” He asks, hiding a smirk. Lucky points to me. “Tell him.” I nod. “You’re an idiot, you make terrible quick decisions, and if I were to trust you with my life, you would trip and destroy it in the span of five minutes,” I say instantly. We all laugh at the expense of the admittedly dim guard. We all said our goodbyes, hugged it out, and waved bye as Lucky steps into the train. She waves back at us through a window, actually tearing up a little in the corners of her eyes. The three of us stood on the platform, waiting in silence. We promised Lucky that we’d greet our new boss. “... Hey Anon? What do you think the new guy’s like?” Segway asks. I shrug. “For all I know, they could be a random hobo,” I respond. “Come on, think positive,” Spearhead says. I roll my eyes. I spot the next train coming up to us, slowing down as it arrives. As it stops next to the platform, it gives a steamy hiss. The doors open, allowing various ponies out. I scan through the crowd to see if anyone looks out of place. Wait, is that a sign? One unicorn, a dark orange coat with a brown mane, is holding up a sign. ‘The New Guy’ it reads. I walk towards the stallion, who keeps looking around. When his eyes land on me, they widen. “Hey dude, you the new Checkpoint manager?” I ask. He coughs. “I’m sorry sir-“ oh God he’s British, “- I don’t believe you are to be one of my acquaintances.” “Oh really?” I ask, crossing my arms. “Well, are you Mr Anonymous?” He asks, looking unsure. Oh for fuck’s sake. “Yep. Assholiest person in the universe. Got an award for it too,” I say. He frowns. “Erm, did you... cuss?” He asks uncertainly. I sigh deeply. “Hey Anon, did you find our boss?” Spearhead asks, walking up with Segway in tow. I nod as I turn to him. “Yep. He’s British,” I say. Spearhead sighs while Segway looks at me in confusion. “And that means?” Segway asks. “Oh, right, Canterlot accent,” I correct. “What’s wrong with my Canterlot accent?” The stallion asks, offended. “American bitch, we created Treason Day,” I say, fisting the air. Confusion is the only reaction everyone gives me. “Well, my name is Smooth Course,” he says, as if I’m supposed to know who he is. I have a feeling he’s gonna hate his job. We walk him downtown, showing him various places and what they are. “That right there is the diner I go to in the morning. It’s fucking amazing,” I say. “... Can you stop cussing?” He asks. I look at him. “Give me a reason.” “... It makes me uncomfortable,” he admits. I sigh. “... Fine,” I say. “But, if you screw up in a bad way five times, I will curse forever more around you.” He looks down in thought. “... Define screwing up in a bad way,” he says. “Generally anything that makes me mad at you.” “Alright, seems simple enough,” he says, smiling slightly. Spearhead and Segway snicker. “Oh, you naive little pony, that’s what they all say,” I say. He gives me a confused look. We walk around some more, until we come to a particular bar, named Whiskey’s Bay. I smirk. “This right here, is the best bar in the city.” I see Segway and Spearhead snicker at me, but Smooth frowns. “Ugh, bars. I bet uncultured brutes run this place,” I frown and give him a slight glare. “Wow, just like that, you lost three chances. Try not to muck it up again,” I warn, walking towards the bar as the pony sputters. “... and furthermore, you are quite frankly the most despicable creatures I have ever met. As my friend says, ‘Get your ass out of here before I kick it out!’” I quirk an eyebrow as I walk in. I see Whisk facing two appalled-looking ponies. One stallion and mare. They look similar to that creepy as fuck stalker from over half a year ago. “Whisk, I sensed someone quoting me, what’s wrong?” I ask, walking up. The ponies jump and look at me. Whisk looks at me, and her feathers settle down slightly. “Anon! What brings you here?” She asks, as if nothing was wrong. I narrow my eyes. “Whisk. Don’t avoid the question,” I say, crossing my arms. The couple looks at Whisk as she answers. They gave a sharp glare. “These two came in, harassing me about various violations that weren’t even true. They proceeded to knock various things over, and harassed some of the other customers. I was just asking them to leave,” she explains, shooting a glare right back at the ponies. I turn my gaze down to the ponies, who turn to look at me. Though, when they see my piercing gaze, they gulp audibly. I lean down, looking over them. “Get your ass out of this bar, and never come back. I doubt the more loyal patrons here appreciate your attempts at the moment,” I say, gesturing to the Minotaurs in the back, who are giving a death glare to the ponies. They look over at the Minotaurs, and their eye pupils shrink. They practically jet out, running for the hills. I stare out the door they left through, smirking as my new boss walks in. “Oh Celestia! The stench-“ “Get the buck out!” Whisk yells. Smooth Course makes no argument as he backpedals quickly out the door. Spearhead walks in after he leaves, shaking his head. “Maim, I’d like to order a pint for the road,” he says. Whisk sighs. “Sorry, out of to-go sippy cups,” she smartasses. I snicker at the attitude Whisk has. Spearhead rolls his eyes and decides to just walk out. “... Sorry about the outburst,” she mutters to me. I shrug, taking a seat. “It’s fine. So, who were the ass-hats?” I ask. She scoffs, and starts rubbing her temples. “Remember Luna’s stalker?” “... Oof,” I say, shaking my head as I piece it together. “They tried their damnest to villainize you, right?” “Yes.” “Hm, think they’ll charge you for verbal harassment?” I ask. She shakes her head. “I doubt it, after the stunt they pulled,” she says, smirking. “Also, do you have anything I could have on the go?” I ask. She brightens up immediately. “Yes actually! I meant to give it to you this morning, but you were in a rush,” she says. She leans down behind the counter. I can see her wings are slightly open, indicating her excitement. I smile a little. I’m lucky to have met her, if I’m being honest. Whisk pops up, holding a small foam box. “I kinda just whipped it up, I uh, hope it tastes good,” she says, blushing slightly. I take the box, and open it. Inside, is a couple of waffles with butter on it. “It’s still warm, so, um, eat up,” Whisk encourages. I shrug and grabbed a fork she handed me. I get a piece of waffle, and take a bite. Woah. It tastes... pretty good. I start eating the waffle at a faster pace. Maybe I just haven’t eaten waffles in a long time. No way a waffle could taste this good. I take the last bite of waffle, and immediately felt sad. No more waffle left. I sigh in contentment nonetheless. “... So?” Whisk asks nervously. I give a thumbs up. “That was fan-fucking-tastic!” I declare. I hear snickers from some of the patrons of the bar. “Hell, if you ever went out of business, you should be a cook!” I say. Whisk is blushing furiously, but she keeps her smile as if she’s not embarrassed at all. “Hey Anon! Once you and the lovebird are done, we have to show the boss his house! Come on!” I hear Segway yell impatiently. I sigh as Whisk’s feathers ruffle up. She glares in the direction of Segway’s voice. “Dammit, I guess I’ll see you around Whisk,” I say. Whisk looks back to me and smiles. “Alright, have a nice day Anon,” she says, waving as I get up. I walk to the door, but turn to give her one last look before I do today’s bullshit. “Hey Whisk, I love your feathers,” I comment, before leaving the bar. I have a stupid grin as I know what that might do. Whisk watches the doorway I just left through, wide eyed. Her face now resembles a tomato, and her embarrassment levels are over nine thousand. One of the patrons, a hippogriff, walks up. “See, I told you he’d like it!” “... He loved my feathers,” she says, not really paying attention to anything else. The hippogriff rolls his eyes, but smiles. Whisk turns to look at everyone in her bar. There were bounty hunters, workers, regulars, alcoholics, and many more. But in Whisk’s eyes, she sees the many patrons who have stuck by her side through various problems in her life. She sees friends. Being in a good mood, Whisk smiles wide. “Thank you all for helping me with the troublemakers in the last couple years. I’m so glad that most of you are actually nice,” she says. Everyone who knew Whisk raised their mugs in unison, giving a cheer. “You know what? Buck it! Everyone gets a round, it’s on the house!” Everyone cheers. Whisk turns to a specific Minotaur in the back. “Except Wonder, you still owe me a couple thousand bits. I’m not letting the window incident go.” “Aww,” He says. A cheerful pony voices his opinion. “Well, if you ever need advice again, ask around your own bar. We all want ya to be happy after putting up with most of us,” he says with a chuckle. Meanwhile, I am restraining myself from snapping the unicorn’s neck. “... and then, he got knocked out by the clams! Freaking clams!” He finishes, laughing. “I reeeaaally couldn’t give a shit,” I mutter under my breathe. The more this guy talks, the more I wish to harm him. As Segway talks Smooth’s ears off in return. Spearhead looks over at me for the tenth time now, a sly smirk on his muzzle. I lean over. “What?” I ask in annoyance. “... Do you know how Whisk feels about you?” He asks coyly. “She loves me,” I say. He does a double take and looks at me in shock. “Wait, you know?” “Oh yeah,” I say nonchalantly. Spearhead narrows his eyes. “How long?” “I figured it out about half a year ago, sometime around February. At first, I thought she was weird. Then, it suddenly clicked. As soon as I thought about it, everything made sense.” “... Does she know you know?” “Nope.” “... Isn’t that kind of-“ “Mean? Yes, but she needs to do one of two things. Either confess, or find someone else. I’m not sure if you notice, but I’m a fucking terrible person. I doubt she’ll confess, but she can do better than me,” I explain. Spearhead gives me an unamused look. “How do you know?” He asks. “Because, I’m guessing she’s hot in a griffon’s eyes. Then, considering the fact that not many other creatures like me, I would assume-“ “Anon, how many times were you hit on?” Spearhead deadpans. “That’s different. If they could successfully flirt on me, they would manipulate me into doing things I didn’t want to do,” I respond. “Whiskey seems to manipulate you just fine. Heck, she doesn’t even flirt on you to manipulate you,” Spearhead comments with a chuckle. I narrow my eyes at him. “No, she doesn’t.” “Anon, she made you buy dinner for her, she made you clean her apartment, and she drags you to the movies with her. That was only during September,” he says. I open my mouth to retort, but I close it as I realize I cannot deny that. “... Alright, so she does it accidentally. That’s better than the creatures who do it on purpose at the Checkpoint. Anyway, another reason she shouldn’t like me, is because I would half ass her gifts,” I say. Spearhead rolls his eyes. “Hey Anon, how much did that music player cost?” I groan. “That was a birthday gift, completely different.” “Uh huh. So, why else should she not like you?” “I don’t really have a good heart,” I say. “I doubt that, since you took care of her niece and all.” “I’m seven years older than her.” “Wait, she’s twenty three?” He asks. I nod. “... Have you told her your age?” “Yep. Thirty. When she learned, she apparently still remembered that I said I was twenty nine. She pieced together that my birthday passed by without anyone knowing,” I explain. Spearhead nods. “So, despite your age, she still likes you?” Spearhead asks. I sigh. “... I’ve got anger issues?” I offer weakly. Crappy parenting tends to do that after all. “Everyone has issues, no one’s perfect Anon,” Spearhead says. I shrug. “Well, there’s still someone better than me.” “Maybe, but what if she likes you for, oh I dunno, you?” “... What should I do then?” Segway looks back at us to give me his two cents. “Let the ship sail,” he says, before turning his attention back to our boss. I roll my eyes. “Well, Sergui’s right for once,” Spearhead says. “Wait what?” Segway asks. “Nope, she’ll hate me,” I respond. “How do you know she’ll hate you?” “Tried dating before. Girlfriend took half my shit because I was an asshole. Thus, I got the message that I probably shouldn’t go looking for love,” I say. “How long ago was it?” “About ten or eleven years ago. Couple months before I was teleported.” “So? Maybe you’re better now! Maybe you’re a decent guy!” Spearhead says. I scoff. “What was that rabble about being my friend?” I ask jokingly. We all share a quick laugh as we come to a hotel. “While I don’t mean to be rude, I do want to hurry this along, so please contain yourselves until we find my house.” I roll my eyes. “Sure Mr Teacup,” I sarcastically say. “What did you say?” Smooth asks, turning to me. “I said sure Mr Tea-Biscuit,” I explain. “You know what? I am sick of your attitude! Do you know who I am?!” “Jeff Vader,” I say. Smooth facehoofs. “... Now, who in Tartarus is Jeff Vader?” He asks. “Runs the Death Star. He can kill everyone with a single thought, or a plastic tray if he so wishes.” Spearhead is trying not to laugh at my admittedly stupid wording. Segway’s just staring at me in bemusement. Smooth has a ‘what the fuck?’ face. “I... I don’t even... you know what? Fine. Have it your way. I expect you to be ready for work at six in the morning, sharp,” he says, tilting his head up to emphasize the last bit. I roll my eyes. “Sure,” I reply. “Good. I expect you to hold the reputation the Manehatten Checkpoint holds.” “... What reputation?” I genuinely ask. He groans. “You know what? It’s been a long day, and I require rest. You better get to work on time human, or I’ll fire you on the spot,” he threatens. I give him a slight glare, but I sigh in resignation. “Sure. Since you obviously don’t need me anymore, I’ll get going. Segway, please make sure that he knows how to get around.” With that, I quickly walk away, ready to just go home. Much, much later, about midnight, I’m sleeping in my bed. I grunt as I wake up, slowly opening my eyes. A scroll rests next to my head. I pick it up, and quirk an eyebrow as I read it. Dear Anon, I, Princess Celestia (and Luna) hereby invite you to the Grand Galloping Gala! Please accept- I groan loudly, rolling it up and tossing it in my nightstand’s general direction. I roll over, and try to go back to sleep. The Grand Galloping Gala is crappy. I had to be the bouncer in the last one. The Gala is always held in either September or August. It’s normally full of rich snobs, various big time company owners, and various diplomats. The changeling diplomats hit on me, the hippogriff diplomat kept wanting to talk to me, and the crystal empire diplomats patronized me because I got their princess in trouble. I silently thanked myself that I am able to deny invitations. I hear a pop before a scroll bounces off my head. I get up and pick up the scroll in annoyance. Dear Anon, Princess Luna specifically requires you to participate in the next Galloping Gala. She also requests that you bring one Whisk ‘May’ Bacon. If you refuse this invitation, Princess Luna is allowed physical human-handling, and will drag you to the Gala as you kick and scream for mercy. From, Princess Luna I narrow my eyes at the scroll with an inner, fiery rage. “Fuck you Luna,” I say. Pop. A scroll lands beside me. Buck you too :D I sigh and picked up all the scrolls. I place them on the nightstand and went back to bed. I stretch as I walk to work, tired and ready to go home already. The Checkpoint seems to be rather grey today. Like, really grey. I guess Lucky Runner was a staple to this Checkpoint. I walk into my office, and see Smooth Course. He doesn’t notice as he looks over the desk that I’ve had for at least a year now. “Honestly, I’m surprised that brute organizes anything,” he mutters. I cough and he jumps. He looks at me and sighs. “Yeah, ‘the brute’ is very capable of actually doing his job,” I say. “I apologize, I didn’t hear you come in,” Smooth says. I roll my eyes. “Whatever, make sure you take your head out of your ass long enough to look around. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to get ready for today,” I say, sitting in my swivel seat. Smooth glares at me before leaving. I turn to look at the clock. Half an hour early. I look over my desk to see if Smooth messed with anything. Wait. Where’s my crossbow? I opened various drawers as I search for my only defense against anyone who threatens the Checkpoint. Where the fuck is my- I stop as I turn to glare at where Smooth left. I stomp out of the office, and slam my door shut before I start marching to the office building. I stomp past a depressed-looking Shoeside and slammed the manager door open. Smooth, having apparently just settled into his chair, jumps as the door bangs. “Where the hell is my crossbow?!” I yell. He recomposes himself. “Now, Mr Anon, I believe you are over reacting-“ I slam my fist onto his desk, making him shut up. “No! Fuck you! I wanna know where the fuck my fucking crossbow is!” I seethe. He rolls his eyes. “Why would you need a crossbow anyway?” He asks. “Hey, remember the fucking hostage situation I was in?” I ask impatiently. He scoffs. “You could have let someone else do the work,” he points out. “Yeah, when I tried that, a guard became a hostage. Besides, I’m sure as shit not going to trust my life with a pony,” I say. He growls. “Fine. Take your stupid crossbow! We’ll see how useful it really is!” He yells. With a pop, the crossbow appears on his desk. I grab it angrily and march back to my office. What a fucking idiot. It’s the middle of the day, and I’m getting real fuckin’ tired of everyone’s shit. I just denied someone with an expired passport, who then tried to offer a couple measly bits to pass. “Next!” I yell into the mic. I stop and take a few breathes in and out to calm myself. Ever since that dipshit of a boss touched my crossbow, I’ve been majorly pissed. I’ve tried to be patient-er with entrants today, but what that asshat did was bull-fucking-shit. The next entrant to come in is a familiar brown and grey pony. Daring Diddly Darn Fuckin’ Do. She’s dressed in her usual knock-off Indiana Jones outfit. I twitch a little as I see her. I know her, but I don’t particularly like her. She goes wide eyed as she sees me. “Anon? Why’re you here?” She asks with confusion. “Well, I insulted the princess a year ago, and got a job because of it. Papers please,” I say. Her confusion only grows, but she hands me her papers. “... Are you okay?” She asks with concern. “Nope, fucking dying on the inside with a crippling depression I’ve accepted having for about ten years now. How about you?” I ask absentmindedly. She sighs. “Look, I know we didn’t see eye to eye when we last met-“ “You left me as a snack to a pack of wolves,” I say. She sighs. “I thought someone would rescue you,” she says. “I knew you were lying when you said you’d come back for me,” I mutter. “Do you know how long I was on that ledge for?” “A couple hours?” She tries. “Ha. Nope. An entire day. I was being snarled at, growled at, and terrified for an entire fucking day,” I say. I see Daring’s ears droop. “An entire day!?” She asks with horror. “I told the ponies where you were though!” I roll my eyes. “Did you tell the purple bitch?” I ask. “... Twilight?” She asks. I nod. “Yeah, Bitchface,” I confirm. She sighs. “Yes, I told her. Why did she take all day?” She asks. I give her a deadpan stare. “Oh, I don’t know, maybe it’s because you forgot to tell the scientist slash historian about the fact that I was in mortal danger.” “I didn’t forget to-“ “Bitchface quoted you. You said, ‘Hey, you might want to check out the temple ruins I found in the Everfree. Anon’s waiting for you to help him with something.’ I’m not sure if you know this, but before she ran me out of town, she was a fucking book worm. She fucking loved seeing old shit. She took her damn sweet time to collect samples and such before finding me beating a Timberwolf with a twig!” I yell. Daring’s eyes are wide, ears are drooped, and she had backed up quite a bit. I breathe in, and out, trying to calm down. “...” I look back down at her papers. They’re sadly correct. I stamp green and hold out her passport. “Get the fuck out of my Checkpoint.” She grabs her papers, and hurries out the door. I place my face in my hands as I try to just calm down. I sigh, and lean towards the mic. “Next!” I say. I look up to see the next entrant walking in, and I quirk an eyebrow. She’s glaring at me as she walks up, and flashes in a green light before revealing Chrysalis. She’s pissed. “I have never been so troubled by such a useless parchment,” she says. I scoff. “Papers please,” I say. I take her papers and look over them. “The Minotaur country was rather friendly towards me. I was fearing what would happen when I showed my true form, but thankfully, they were ignorant enough to allow me to take my picture.” I freeze as I see her gender. “... Chrysalis, what gender are you?” I ask, pinching the bridge of my nose. “Both,” she replies. “... Okay, if you’re both, why did you put down neither?” I ask. “Because, both was not an option,” she says like I’m stupid. I face palm. “You know what? Fuck it. Good enough,” I say, stamping green. I’m so tired of today’s bullshit. I hand her papers back, and she looks at me in surprise. “You’re actually letting me go through?” She asks. I shrug. “You had a... good enough passport, so yeah, you can go through. Just don’t make me have to shoot your ass,” I say. She shivers as she realizes I’m not joking. She walks out hurriedly. After a couple minutes, I see Spearhead walk in, confused as all hell. He walks up to me, and looks at me for an explanation. I notice he has bags under his eyes. “Did- did I just see one of Equestria’s villains walk through here?” He asks. I shrug. “She followed the laws around me, and she messed with Twilight. She’s cool in my book,” I say. He just face hoofs. “... You know what? I’m just too tired. I’ll let it slide,” he says tiredly. He walks back out. It’s the end of the day. I’m walking home, tired, exhausted, and other fancy words for ‘I’m tired as shit’. I pass by many buildings, not really paying attention to my surroundings. I see my house, and stop when I notice something. Whisk’s at my front door, banging it, “Please! I need your help! I- I don’t know what to-“ “Whisk?” I call. She stops and looks over at me with tears and bloodshot eyes. Dafuq? “What happened?” I asked as she rushes to me. “They closed it! They bucking closed it! Those sons of bitches closed my bar!” She screams, hugging my tightly. She proceeds to cry as I have confusion painted on my face. I shake my head and pick her up. She doesn’t fight back, and allows me to carry her as I practically kick my own door open. Dammit, I kicked too hard, it’s off its hinges. Well, no matter, crying birdie first. I try seeking her on the couch, but she refuses to let go as she bawls her eyes out. I feel a pang of sympathy and sit down, with her crying into my coat. Welp, I guess I’m not sleeping tonight.