Shell Shocked

by Featherflutter


I'm Fine

A cobalt haze filtered through Featherweight’s vision as he traversed the quiet forest. With the light of the moon to guide him, Feather wandered deeper into the void in front of him. It was a trek with purpose, though what that purpose was, he couldn’t quite remember. He knew that he was getting toward the goal, just not what the goal was.

Every so often, he would step on a twig, reminding him of the cluttered desolation that surrounded him. Never had a forest been this quiet. The owls held their tongues, the crickets postponed their concerto, the wind was worn out. Nothing moved. It feels almost like a picture. I’m in a picture. Maybe that’s what I am supposed to do. Escape the picture. Featherweight thought as he picked up the pace.

The landscape blurred more and more as Featherweight moved faster, faster, until he took liftoff and started scanning the treeline for any indication of an escape or change to the muted forest. He found something else entirely as he saw the layout of the forest. It went out perpetually, the treeline never seeming to end.

So that’s it then? I’m trapped here. In this picture Feather thought as he landed in a clearing, sitting down and staring up at the one thing that had to be moving; The moon.

“I wouldn’t say trapped, young colt. More so contained.” Feather heard from behind, sparking immediate repulsion from the sound. He lost his balance, but caught himself from falling on his back with his forehooves. He had gotten so used to the silence that, even though it was quiet, the voice sounded like it was booming in his head. He had twisted in order to catch himself, leading him to face the source of the voice. Towering before him was the manipulator of the night and of dreams; Princess Luna.

“Oh, do pardon us. Though I suppose we do have a predisposition to scaring foals,” She said, smiling and holding out a hoof to help Featherweight up, to which he quickly grabbed and pulled himself up.

“Princess Luna? Uh, Your Highness,” He stuttered as he bowed before the pillar of night.

“Let us skip the formalities, Featherweight.” Luna said, laying down next to him. “There are things that I would like to discuss with you, and so little time left to do so,”

“Oh, well alright, princess. W-what is it you wanted to talk about?” Featherweight asked, starting to sweat, but keeping as much of a straight face as he could.

“A series of things, really. As you may know, I have had a fair amount of encounters with your friend, Pipsqueak.” The princess cast an illusion in front of the two, showing nightmare night when Pip was a pirate, then the events afterward of Pip conversing with her on different occasions.

“Yeah, he loves it when you come to ponyville to visit Princess Twilight. He said you always find time to reconnect afterwards. Why? Is there something wrong with him?” Feather asked, quick to start recalling all their interactions.

“Skipping the formalities also includes your want to hide things from me. He spoke with me, in a dream, recently. He said that he was worried about you. Apparently, you’ve been through quite an ordeal these past couple weeks. Is that not so?” She asked.

“I-uh, yeah. What is he worried about? I’m doing better now. I don’t have as many headaches anymore, about one every 4 days. I’m not confused anymore. I told him this.” Featherweight said, his face furrowed in, contemplating what he would be worried about. His eyes went wide. “It’s about my sleeping, isn’t it?”

“There are a lot of things young Pip is worried for you about, but yes. Sleeping is one of them. I’ve noticed things as well. You’re dreams. They cry out almost every night you actually get sleep.” The princess looked down to Featherweight. “Rarely do I see such pain come from someone in ponyville at such a young age. I’ve come here as a personal favor to Pipsqueak, and as a part of my duty to the equestrian population to guard over you while you sleep, to try and help, in any way possible.”

Featherweight chuckled half-heartedly, “W-with all due respect, princess. I am fine. I’m getting things under control. I’m just a bit tense still from the trip planning and the, well, the accident.” Feather said, smiling at the princess.

“Your words, while speaking good intentions, hide what you don’t want to feel.” The princess said, warming up and bringing more color to the landscape, while not lively, still a relaxing sight to the colt.

“W-what do you mean? I feel fine. I am. Fine. I’m ok.” Feather held a stronger tenor in his voice, prickling up a bit.

“Were it so easy to believe. Even the optimist, who brings a better view of the world wherever they go, cannot will themselves to stability with just words. You are hurting. Your rhetoric displays your want to not burden those around you, but that won’t get you what you want.” Princess luna stayed even toned, opting to look at the rising twilight tinting the woods in different shades as it progressed. “Not to mention,” Luna materialized a camera, damaged, broken, cracked, and scrapped. “Pipsqueak mentioned this to me. Your most prized possession. Look at it now. Look at what it has become.”

“Ok, so I am still struggling a bit. It’s not something I can’t handle. I’ve handled worse. I don’t need to make Pip more worried about me.” Featherweight contrasted, his voice wavering and sharp.

“Your handling of yourself thus far is the reason why I am here. He’s said you’ve become different. You’re scared more often, more skittish, more nervous, less happy, less passionate, less optimistic. Whatever you believe you are hiding still bleeds to the surface. Something like that pain cannot be sealed very well or for a long time. Not to mention the fact of your living arrangements right now and the condition of your camera. He’s stated you ran off in Vanhoover. And this,” She once again brought up the scrap that was Feather’s camera, “This speaks for itself” Princess luna opted to look at Featherweight once again.

“I don’t think you understand, Princes Luna. Pip saved my life. He was there for me when I got out of the hospital. I don’t have a right to push more of my problems onto him. I’m mad at myself for making him worry as it is. I’ve got this,” Featherweight stood up, finally getting head level to the princess, and growled, “This sickness in my head telling me what I am, telling me that I, I love Pipsqueak, destroying me from the inside out.” The intensity in his voice grew as he lost control, “Ok! Fine! I get paranoid. I can’t go into town anymore without checking behind my back, my front, my sides, listening, waiting, expecting another stampede to kill me every 10 seconds! I can’t sleep. I fear sleeping, because it’s become so common that I get tortured by the same dreams every night that wake me up in a pool of my own sweat, burry eyed from the tears that had been streaming down my face!” Featherweight built himself up, legs and wings spread, tears welling up, blushing lightly as he broke down in front of the princess of the night, “I stay awake for so long, it almost takes too much energy to breathe! I don’t eat! I don’t know why, I just can’t without feeling sick! Nothing feels right! I feel like I’m myself, but also trapped in someone else’s body! Do you think I want to tell him that?! It would kick me even further down!” Featherweight was yelling at this point, panting rapidly.

Princess Luna held firm, “We did not come here to see who can yell louder, Featherweight. I do understand what your situation is, all too well in fact, but I don’t believe you have a full understanding of it, yourself.” Her voice turned soft, stern, but warm. “You have gone onto your tirade to me, fairly easily might I add. But what if I were Pipsqueak?” Luna asked, watching Featherweight’s beaten expression slump further. “It seems you recall earlier in the day. That’s exactly what happened. You lost control, didn’t you?” Princess Luna gently pressed a hoof onto Featherweight’s shoulder, to which he immediately recoiled, his body and mind on edge.

“I, gtt, ah, I don’t know! I just don’t know!” Featherweight collapsed, clutching his head as the symphony of thoughts raced through his head once again.

“Shhhh,” Princess Luna lit her horn, wispy tendrils coming forth from the tip to latch onto Featherweight’s head, bringing a calming effect in and quieting down his thoughts.

Featherweight started to control his breathing, his anger simmering down. When he finally got to a calmer state, he looked toward Luna whose worry grew more. Featherweight sat down, sniffling. He took a long, shaky breath and began to sob once more. This time was different, however. It was a more held back, reserved sobbing. Luna walked up next to him and wrapped a wing around him, to which he embraced the matriarch. “I’m sorry. I’m just so used to dealing w-with things on my own. I’ve become so used to being alone.” He wept quietly underneath the cover of her wing.

“Trust us, young Featherweight, we know. That’s why you need to get help. Confide in your friend, or whoever you believe will be able to help you through this. That is what I finally realized. I hid and understated all of my problems from those who cared about me, and soon enough, I got to my breaking point. While the origin of our pain differs, the outcome will be the same if you don’t reach out.” Princess Luna rubbed Feather’s back, feeling the tears soak up into her fur.

“It, it just feels so hard to do. There’s a pain I feel in my chest whenever I speak with him. It’s because of this disease in my head. My mind is all confused. Part of me thinks I love him, part of me thinks he reminds me of how lonely I am, and part of me just...hurts” Feather pulled into Luna’s fur even closer. It brought a sense of relief to him as he brushed against it.

“Tis true that the ordeal you have before you will be challenging. Not everyday does one have to confront their fears and admit to a loved one that they are in pain. Though do expand on this ‘disease’ you speak of. I was told that you had a concussion, but that has since cleared, yes?”

“The doctor called it PTSD, but I forget what it stands for.” Featherweight said, calming down once again, but opting to still remain in Luna’s embrace.

“Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. While my knowledge of it is limited, I do know of its base effects on a pony. I’m starting to get a better picture now of the extent to which you hurt. Though, I don’t believe sudden infatuation is a symptom of PTSD. Is there something wrong with feeling such things for your friend?” Princess Luna asked, her grasp loosening around Feather.

“I don’t know. He’s a colt, I’m a colt. It’s weird to think about, but my mind keeps going to places like that. All I know is that it is a part of this PTSD. I guess it doesn’t matter anymore, does it?” Featherweight shivered slightly.

“Why wouldn’t it matter? If you still have these feelings, why not try and make something of them? It’s never too late for an attempt at love.” Luna smiled lightly at the colt, though knowing already what was going to be said.

“I told him I hated him. You were exactly right, about the outburst. I yelled at him, told him I hated him, then ran away like a coward.” Featherweight held his head down in shame, the weight of all he has done bearing down on him, pushing on his chest and back, squeezing the life from him. “Dear, Luna.” He whispered, eyes wide as he cradled his head in his hooves, “What have I done? W-Who am I? What have I become?” The scenery changed, blurring before him, to rest at a familiar sight.

“This is who you are, Featherweight,” Princess Luna said, showing him a reflection of himself through one of the Mirrors in Henri Bisson’s exhibit.

It was him, fluttering, flying, happily taking pictures of whatever he thought was worthy of taking pictures of. Snapshots of his life before the incident flashed each time the camera clicked. It was a content life, a happy life. Featherweight hung out with Pipsqueak, having a great time almost every time they were around one another, bringing a goofy smile to each other’s face by the end of the day that nothing could get rid of until they fell asleep.

“You are that dappy little colt, the one that everyone relies on for cheering up, though very rarely reciprocates. You are the colt who is needed, who is loved, if not by any parent, then by Pipsqueak. He said to me specifically that he wanted you to know that he loved you. You are loved.” Luna looked at the reaction of the colt, trying to piece together what he was thinking. She then broke that mirror, all the shards of memories of a pony that once was, shattered to the floor of dream-space. What remained was the colt’s own reflection. “This is what you’ve become,”

Featherweight winced away at the sight before him. Nothing new from what he saw at the hall of reflection, except a more frayed mane and a delirious twitch on his face. “This is what I’ve become?” Featherweight touched the mirror, caressing the poor thing that stared back at him.

Luna did not respond, for she felt no need.

Time went on as Featherweight stared at himself, The moon leaving its peak in the sky to once again disappear into the horizon. “I think I know what I need to do. I’m ready to wake up. I’m ready to get help. I’m ready to apologize to Pip.” Featherweight paused for a moment, gritting through his teeth, still confused about the last thing that was on his mind. “I’m ready to let myself love Pip.”

Princess Luna nodded. “These words that you speak, I now believe you are saying with full honesty. I have faith that you will not make me mistaken in what I am about to do.” Princess Luna’s horn lit up, taking Featherweight’s camera and fixing it, making it’s exterior immaculate and it’s interior rival the technical mastery of a Swiss Deer watch. “You will wake up next to in your hotel room, in your bed where Pipsqueak will be waiting for you. Your camera will be on your bedside. My hope is that you will know what to do after that.”

Featherweight broke his gaze from himself, looking up to the merciful Queen of the subconscious, “I will.Thank you, Princess Luna. For this, for everything.”

Princess Luna nodded, bowing her head and touching Feather’s own with her horn. A flash emitted from her horn, temporarily blinding Featherweight, making his squint and blink rapidly to see again.

At once, he regained his eyesight and found himself laying in his bed in the hotel, Pipsqueak sitting up in his own bed, staring at him, an indescribable expression adorned.

Featherweight stared at him, pushing himself as hard as he could to spit out words. “I-I, I’m sorry, Pipsqueak. I know my words don’t mean a damn anymore, but I’m sorry. I need help. I recognize that now. I must have been worrying you a lot. I don’t want to know how much worry I put you through, but I want you to know that I am truly, honestly So-”

Featherweight’s speech got interrupted by Pipsqueak jumping from his bed to Feather’s and tackling him so they both fell onto the soft, springy material. “Shut up,” Pipsqueak said, tears running down his eyes, which were bloodshot already from all the tears he had shed earlier, “Shut up!” his voice got a lot louder the second time, “You are gonna know how worried I was, if I have to spell it out in your own blood! You’ve been acting strange ever since your incident. Every time I tried to ask about it, you would shut me down or move onto something else! Every time I tried to tell you that I was worried, you would always dismiss it! You said you hated me! Then you left! You disappeared! I couldn’t stop crying. I was worried I would never see you again, I thought I had lost you!” Pipsqueak Screamed, atop of Featherweight, who was taking it all in. Pipsqueak wound up one of his back legs to hit Featherweight in the side, prompting a lurch from Feather, “I was scared for your life!” Pipsqueak let all of his tears flow, each one falling onto Featherweight’s fur, practically searing it with each drop. “I, I, I hate you!” Pipsqueak spat in Featherweight’s face, all control leaving his body as he openly cried, hyperventilating.

Featherweight recovered from the hit to his side and wrapped his hooves around Pipsqueak, bringing the hysterical colt into as tight of an embrace as he could muster.

“Let go of me, let...g..” Pipsqueak gave up, opting to sob into Featherweight’s fur. Pipsqueak held onto Featherweight, almost for dear life, not wanting him to go anywhere.

Featherweight comforted his hurting friend, trying his best to mend the damage he has cause him and their friendship. Featherweight rolled both of them to their sides, Featherweight wrapping his entire body around Pipsqueak, making him feel secure, like he used to do when the thunderstorms would roll in. He craned his neck, moving his mouth to Pipsqueak’s trembling ear, whispering quietly and warmly, “I love you, too”

Pipsqueak didn’t stop his crying, but held on tighter once he heard Featherweight say that.

A wave of relief flowed through Feather’s body, like a fog had been lifted from his mind. It hurt to say, but he forced it out. It felt amazing once he said it. An indescribable euphoria took over Featherweight’s body, making him embrace Pipsqueak more as well.

The night was well into adolescence, the two colts, worn out from the day’s events, fell asleep in each other’s hooves, not needing blankets because their mutual body heat kept them warm.

A midnight blue glow encompassed Featherweight’s new and improved camera, floating above the two and taking a picture of them from above, unbeknownst to either of the two, who were too busy sleeping. The camera snapped and then moved back to its position on the nightstand, the light that they forgot to turn of clicked, leaving the two to a nice, dark room for themselves.