//------------------------------// // Honey badgers are craaazy // Story: Man vs wild vs ponies // by wariyoshi //------------------------------// (Everfree forest, moving at near impossible speeds) Bear Grylls was sprinting roughly twice as fast as your average ostrich on crystal meth; jumping over obstacles with a load of ponies he needed to safely deliver to their homes. “Maybe if I’m lucky,” he said in between breaths to the camera, “the locals will give me some fresh food and a place to stay. They might even know where civilization is!” “Uh, Ponyville IS civilization, pal” Rainbow said bluntly. He didn’t seem to notice her speaking and continued on, “If we don’t make it there in time, I can probably use one of these weasels as bait so that I can catch a predator to eat. It’s important to your survival, however, that you don’t eat the natives themselves. Killing off any of these things can result in instantaneous consequences, and you don’t need any complications when you’re surviving” Twilight rolled her eyes, “Well, at least he’s friendly” “WOAH!” Bear screamed as something caught his eye on the ground. He let go of the girls, who kept flying at that speed right into a large mud-puddle. The girls were shocked at what had just happened, but Rarity was furious. “What could have been SO important that you had to DROP US ALL INTO THE MUD!?” she shrieked. He bent over and grabbed something in the bush excitedly, before holding it up in the air triumphantly, “It’s a stick! This one’s perfect! If I just sharpen a stone, I can probably use some of that sap to glue it on and make a weapon. Weapons are important to your survival” Rarity almost exploded, “SURVIVAL!? THERE’S A TOWN WITH SHOPS AND CURRENCY AND BEDS NOT TOO FAR FROM HERE, YOU DON’T NEED A BUCKING STICK YOU ABSOLUTELY UGLY APE!” Without answering her, he stuffed a wad of sap into her mouth, gluing her pie hole shut in a rather comical manner, and turned to the camera, “Now if you ever come across a noisy native, you can use some of that sap from earlier to make them stop talking. Make sure you don’t cover their nostrils, however, or they won’t be able to breath” She flailed about and let out a muffled scream of anger in protest. Her entire body was visibly red at that point, noticeable even through the thick mud, as steam started coming out of her ears. Bear Grylls didn’t notice this and plucked them all out of the mud one by one, putting them back onto his back, and sprinting off again. “Mmfshm!” Rarity attempted to yell through the thick sap as she flailed about, nearly knocking a few of her friends off. “Rarity, please calm down,” Twilight tried, “I’ll pay for a full-on spa appointment for you as soon as we’re back, alright?” The fashionista took a few steamy breaths through her nostrils, before finally sighing and pouting. Nopony attempted a single word of conversation on the trip back to Ponyville. Bear, however, constantly talked to his “cameraman,” causing confusion amongst the ranks of the ponies present. (Ponyville) When they had finally arrived, Bear had nearly run through town and into the other forest on the opposite side of Ponyville before Twilight screamed, “FOR THE LOVE OF CELESTIA, STOP! I TOLD YOU TO STOP FIVE MINUTES AGO!” for the thousandth time He stopped, (And thankfully caught the colorful weasels this time) blinked, and stared at the mare, “I knew that. I’m Bear Grylls, I served with the British Special Forces” “They must’ve been preeetty special to turn out something like YOU” Rainbow said flatly as she rolled her eyes. “So, where to now, weasels?” he asked adventurously as he dropped the ponies on the ground carelessly. “Well,” Rarity had finally been able to spit out enough sap to speak normally once again, “I don’t know about you, but I’m going to the spa, and I’m damn well going to order EVERY SINGLE SERVICE THEY HAVE TO OFFER, so Twilight, if you’d be a dear and kindly supply the funds as you promised, I will NEVER have to talk to this RUFFIAN ever again!” Twilight cringed as her friend’s anger returned, “Um, okay! We’ll go back to the library; I’ll give you your money there. Bear, you’d better come with us, we can talk about everything there, okay?” Bear was sharpening a rock to a fine point with his teeth (Because he’s Bear Grylls, and he served with the British special forces), looked up, and blinked, “Er, alright, then. Just don’t hinder my travels for too long, I need to find civilization to complete the challenge” They all rolled their eyes and headed back towards the library. The ponies in town all looked timidly at the creature that had just whizzed past them with six ponies on its back a few minutes ago. When they saw the mane six with him, however, they eased up a little. Twilight had the situation under control, she always did. “Little do they know,”-Pinkie smiled mischievously-“the word control does not describe her current predicament accurately at ALL” “Pinkie? Who are you talking to?” Twilight inquired. Pinkie looked around and realized that everypony was looking at her, “Oh, never you mind Twilight!” Twilight blinked, looked at Bear Grylls (Who was talking to his “Cameraman”), looked at Pinkie, then locked eyes with Rainbow, “I think he’s rubbing off on her” Rainbow shook her head, “She always does this” Fluttershy’s eyes widened in amazement, “What if she is actually the one wearing off on HIM?” The group shared an awkward silence before Twilight rolled her eyes, “Always the conspiracist, aren’t you, Fluttershy?” (Twilight’s library) As they arrived back at the library, Bear walked in and stopped dead in his tracks. He turned to the camera, “Can you believe our luck? There’s a free lizard meal that just wandered into her home! I’ll get rid of the pest, and that will surely earn me the hearts and minds of the natives” They recoiled in shock as Twilight shrieked, “NO! Bear, Spike is our friend!” He stopped halfway in his beeline to Spike and turned around to meet the near-tearful gaze of Twilight, “This thing is your friend, purple weasel?” Hearing voices, Spike turned from his duties and gasped in fear, “Aaah! A monster!” “Monster!? Where!?”-Bear flicked open his knife-“I’ll kill it and get myself a free meal” Horrified, Spike responded by breathing as much fire as he could possibly muster at Bear, knocking him down with the sheer force of his breath, “Hey buddy, that tickles” The girls blinked, how was he not engulfed in flames right now? Catching their gaze, Bear quickly explained, “I’m Bear Grylls, I served with the British Special Forces. I’m also part bear, and as a result, I’m fire-resistant” They didn’t even bother asking how that was possible, so they decided it would be best to nod and accept it; a trait that they would need to adopt in order to survive future conversations with him without rage quitting harder than a ten year old on Xbox. “…so who’s your friend, Twilight?” Spike inquired, curious as to why there was a fire resistant bear in their home. “My name is Bear Grylls. I served with the British Special Forces, and I’ll show you what it takes to get out alive from some of the most dangerous places on Earth” he said in what appeared to be a rehearsed manner yet again. “Does he always do this?” Spike asked to nopony in particular. The all nodded, starting an awkward silence before Twilight decided to break the ice, “Sooo…where are you from, Bear? And why are you here?” Bear struck an adventurous pose, “I’m Bear Grylls. I served with the British Special Forces, and I’m here to show you what it takes to get out alive from some of the most dangerous places on Earth” Rainbow sighed angrily and rubbed her temples, “Every time you repeat yourself, I’m just going to smack you in the face, how about that, Bear?” “Fair enough,” Bear nodded, “but you also have to buck me in the chest as well. Deal?” Incredibly confused, Rainbow nodded slowly, “Suuure…I guess?” He smiled, “Good, I like you already, rainbow weasel” As Rainbow attempted to argue with the clearly batshit insane part bear part monkey, Twilight addressed Spike, “Take note, Spike, we’re sending a letter about this to the princess” Spike took out his trusty quill and paper and began to scribble down what she said, “Dear Princess Celestia, My friends and I have come across some sort of bear that talks, but it saved us from a pack of ravenous timberwolves. The problem is that it’s EXTREMELY crazy, and that it doesn’t look like any bear I’ve ever seen. Any knowledge you have on the creature would be appreciated, because we have no clue as to what we’re going to do about him. “On the brighter side of the spectrum, he explained that there was no dragon. It was, in fact, a pain, as he called it, which he described as a big flying thingy. The bottom line is that there is no dragon threat, but instead a lost, and possibly scared creature that needs to find its way back home (To a place called British, as he’s reminded us many times). Thank you for your help, and I’ll see you soon, assuming you don’t have more important matters to attend to. Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle” After she had finished, she told spike to add a note at the bottom, “P.S. THIS THING IS EXTREMELY UNPREDICTABLE. It has shown no signs of aggression as of late, but that does not mean it is entirely impossible” She read over the letter to confirm that everything was grammatically correct and gave it back to Spike to send on its way to the princess. (Almost past the dragon mountains, in the sky) “Does Bear even know that there aren’t any humans in Equestria?” the pilot yelled over the plane engine to his co-pilot. “No, as far as I heard, he saw one episode of ‘My little pony: Friendship is magic’ and demanded that he go there as the ultimate challenge of his skills. They’re only doing this to get rid of him, they know he’s stuck here forever” the co-pilot answered back. “But I thought everybody liked ‘Man vs Wild,’ why did they decide to get rid of him?” the pilot inquired loudly. “Something about the creator of the show liking his wife or something like that…but who cares, not our problem” the co-pilot laughed loudly. “Yeah, fuck him!” the pilot laughed as well, “It’s not like we’re gonna be dealing with any magical monsters or anything” Right on cue, two large, scaly claws reached up and grabbed the plane mid-air and smashed it into the ground violently. It then crunched the plane up like a tin can and ate it savagely in several chomps. Once the deed was done, the creature roared loudly, breathed some fire into the air menacingly, and flew off towards its cave. (Princess Celestia’s private quarters) The princess was enjoying some tea with her sister, “I do enjoy our talks, sister” Princess Luna smiled, “Yes, ever since we-” She cut herself off, cleared her throat, and started again, “Ever since I got back, it has been the highlight of my evening!” The two laughed awkwardly at the accidental, subtle hint to Nightmare moon and were silenced for a few moments. During the silence, a whizzing sound could be heard. The source was determined quickly, as a green flame flew through the balcony window and materialized into a scroll in front of them, landing on the biscuits that had been laid out on a porcelain plate. Princess Celestia smiled sheepishly, “I’m sorry, I promised no interruptions, sister. Whatever it is, it can wait” Luna smiled affectionately, “Royal duties never wait, sister. At least read it to see how urgent it is” Celestia rolled her eyes and opened the letter, “Always have to be the selfless one, don’t you, Lulu?” Celestia’s eyes moved from left to right multiple times as she read the letter, her happy expression slowly changing into a face of confusion, and eventually distaste, “What is the matter, sister? Is Twilight in trouble?” “Er, I’m not sure, to be completely honest. I must go to Ponyville after this, do you wish to come?” Celestia offered. Luna thought for a moment before smiling and nodding slowly, “Well, I do have some paperwork I need to fill out, but that can wait until later. Minor stuff, really, something about telekinetic fish?” Celestia rolled her eyes, “I skimmed that report as well, and I don’t know what to make of it either” “Er, right,”-Luna stood up-“well, I grow weary of our tea, why don’t we go visit Twilight and friends?” Celestia raised an eyebrow, “You don’t like tea, sister?” “Oh, no, I thoroughly enjoy tea, sister,” Luna explained, “but you see, I have no friends. I wish to get to know Twilight better because I do get lonely, sometimes” Celestia rolled her eyes, “Maybe if you’d talk to Canterlot ponies mo-” “I have an idea!” Luna exclaimed with suspicious enthusiasm, “How about NO! They are spoiled, posh brats with too much power that has been bestowed upon them” The solar princess sighed, “Your loss” The two princesses flew out of the room without another word, deliberately leaving behind the royal guard to worry about them. (Ponyville, a few minutes later) “You DRINK your own PEE!?” Rainbow asked, dumbstruck. Bear raised an eyebrow, “Uh, yeah? I drink nothing but piss, my rainbow weasel friend!” “I’m not a weasel!” Rainbow fumed, “I’m a pony! Say it, po-ny, pony, it’s not hard!” Bear narrowed his eyes and stroked his non-existent goatee, “Wea-sel. Weasel. I don’t see what the difference is” She facehoofed, and was about to explain why he should have his face smashed in with a briefcase filled with lead, but they all heard a knock at the door. Twilight went over to answer it and found that the two princesses were standing in the doorway. “May we come in?” Celestia asked politely, to which Twilight nodded with a smile on her face. Twilight hugged her mentor, “That was quick, Princess” She came in the room and everypony bowed (Except for Bear Grylls, because he served in the British Special Forces). Bear Grylls gasped in shock and turned to the camera hastily. “Now, if you’re lucky enough to find a horse,” he said as he trotted over to a shocked Princess Celestia. “Who are you talking t- WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?” she was taken aback as he mounted her. “Just hop on and give it a ride. Horses will help you cover ground much faster, with less energy spe-” he said before he was interrupted by a blast of lunar magic that forced him off of Celestia violently. He went flying across the room before his face got very well acquainted (And just a little intimate) with the wall. Everypony gasped in shock as Celestia looked over to her sister, who had her horn smoking from the blast. Everypony was horrified, but Celestia managed to say, “Nice shot, Sis” Luna smiled, “Thank you. Now let us call the Royal guard to apprehend this ruffian” “Waitwaitwaitwaitwait!” Pinkie yelled obnoxiously as she slid in front of them, blocking the door, “He didn’t mean to do that, honest! He doesn’t know what he’s doing!” They looked over at him, and saw Fluttershy attempting to pull him out of the wall he was deeply embedded in. He tried to speak, but his voice was muffled due entirely to the fact that his head was fully submerged into the tree. After about 20 minutes, the princesses used all of their strength to pull him out, and eventually, he was squeezed out and fell to the ground and sat there for a moment or two. He blinked and stared up in silence at them all, who were also staring in silence at him. After a long, awkward pause, he turned to the camera, “And make sure that any horse you ride does not have a bazooka genetically modified into its body. I should’ve mentioned that beforehand” “Are you alright?” Fluttershy squeaked at the violence she had just witnessed. “Yeah,” Bear got up on his feet and brushed the dust off of his coat, “I’m Bear Grylls, and I served with the British Special Forces” Rainbow smacked him in the face and bucked him in the chest, causing him to stumble back, “Thank you” “Perhaps we’ve gotten off on the wrong start, then. My name is Princess Celestia, and this is my sister Luna” the princess offered. Princess Luna smiled sheepishly, “Hello…sorry about…you know” Bear tilted his head slightly and raised an eyebrow, “So you’re not horses, then?” They nodded their heads and he smiled, “Just overgrown, colorful weasels” “What!?” the lunar princess raised her voice, “Weasels!?” “Er, Princess,” Twilight said in a brave attempt to calm her down, “he’s obsessed with us being colorful weasels. Please don’t take it as an insult” Luna averted eye contact once again as Celestia laughed, “A bit edgy today, are we Lulu?” “Well, he called us weasels! Did you not see how that could be taken offensively?” Luna said in her defense. Celestia smiled, “It was a complete misunderstanding” “But there was no way I could have determined that it was a misunderstanding with the information given!” Luna snapped back, clearly getting agitated from the argument. The solar queen remained calm, “But a misunderstanding nonetheless” Luna rolled her eyes, and was about to speak, but noticed that Bear was nowhere to be found. “Uh oh,” she said as she looked around nervously, “where did Bear go?” Everypony’s eyes widened as they looked around. They had been so distracted with the argument that they hadn’t kept track of that…thing! Twilight checked to make sure that Spike was okay almost instinctively, and uttered a sigh of relief once she saw him tidying up some books and not being gutted or eaten alive. Applejack sighed, “Ah guess we’d better go after him” Everypony walked out the door to find the mysterious Bear Grylls. All was silent in the room, save for the shuffling of books and Spike’s humming. Eventually, Bear stepped out of the bathroom, humming the tune of his show. He skipped into the room cheerfully, “Sorry ladies, you all seemed so appalled about my piss-drinking, I went into the bathroom to do refill my canteen…ladies?” He spun around a few times, but found no colorful weasels. Only what could have been a nice meal for him reshelving books. “Lizard thing,” Bear asked, “where are the weasel things?” He shrugged, “I don’t know, I wasn’t paying much attention to the conversation” Bear sighed, “I guess I have to go find them, then” (Ponyville square) “Alright, princesses, do you know the layout of Ponyville?” Twilight inquired, to which they replied by shaking their heads. “Er, ok then,” Twilight thought aloud, “maybe if you took the pegasi skyward, you could find him…” Luna nodded confidently, “My sister can take the rainbow one and I will take the shy one” Fluttershy timidly raised her hand, “Excuse me, p-princess…” Luna gave her a gentle, reassuring smile, “Call me Luna. What is it that you need?” Fluttershy smiled weakly, “Well, I, uh…I want to go check on my animal friends, to make sure he hasn’t…he hasn’t…” Luna could see tears forming in her eyes, so she put a hoof up to her mouth gently, “Go. Take care of your friends; I will join the other air team” Fluttershy smiled weakly, bowed, and was off. Rarity harrumphed, “All I want are my bits so that I can get my spa treatment. I’m absolutely COVERED in mud and I need a makeover STAT” Twilight sighed, “Just go get your spa thingy done, send me the bill and I’ll cover it” Rarity smiled in a posh manner, “Fine, I shall be off, then” “I’ll go with Pinkie Pie and Applejack, we’ll take the ground and ask around” Twilight said seriously. Pinkie giggled, “That rhymed, that rhymed!” Everypony rolled their eyes, before Celestia said, “Right, rainbow one, come with my sister and I, we will find this thing” Rainbow saluted, “Yes ma’am!” (Twilight’s library) “Maybe they’re testing me. I am a survival expert, after all” he thought aloud in the presence of Spike. Spike rolled his eyes, “I don’t think they’d leave you alone without good reason. You should go find them to see if they need help” “You’re right, lizard thing, they might be attacked by timberwolves again!” he exclaimed as he made for the door. “They were attacked by timberwolves!?”-Spike dropped the book he was holding in amazement-“How did they survive?” “I saved them!” Bear exclaimed triumphantly, “I took on all of the timberwolves single-handedly!” Spike’s eyes widened in amazement, “How did you do that!?” Bear grinned adventurously, “I’m Bear Grylls, I served in the British Special Forces” Spike smiled widely, “I don’t know what those are, but they sound cool!” (Dragon mountains) The monster growled fiercely as he looked towards Ponyville, “Soon. Soon I will strike fear into their hearts. Soon the familiar taste of pony blood will be on my tongue. Soon I shall have my revenge” He lumbered to the Cliffside, remembering how they insensitively banished his son from the land, and took off towards the little pony town, chuckling to himself as he went, “Soon” (High above Ponyville) “This is just like when we were doing recon for the germane forces not too long ago, isn’t it, sister?” Luna said cheerfully to her sister. “Yes…but this is an urban setting, and we’re not looking for terrorists, we’re looking for a bear thing” Celestia corrected her sister. Luna sighed, “You have no imagination, Tia. Stop crushing my dreams” (Ponyville) Pinkie Pie was lost in thought, “Okay, okay, what else rhymes with ‘around?’” Applejack sighed, “Please Sugarcube, fer the love of all that is holy, stop talkin’ fer a minute. Ya were doin’ so well earlier today” “I’ve got it!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed, clearly ignoring her friend, “Frowned, crowned, downed, sound, mound, bound, found” “If I give ya one, will ya stop talkin’?” Applejack offered. “Probably not! But tell me anyways!” Pinkie chirped. “Noun” Twilight answered in her friend’s stead. Pinkie giggled, “That didn’t rhyme silly! But wait! Let’s think of words that rhyme with noun now! Brown, town, gown…” Her friends both groaned loudly. (Twilight’s library) “…and that’s how I survived in Africa for a week” Bear announced proudly. “Woah!” Spike exclaimed excitedly, “You’re hardcore!” “I’m not hardcore,” the survivalist answered, “I’m Bear Grylls, and I served in the British Special Forces” “That is so cool! We had somepony from the Equestrian Special Forces here not too long ago. I think his name was Kal or something like that?” Spike told him excitedly. Bear smiled at his new fan, “I should get going” The baby dragon frowned, “Aaaw, that’s no fun. Stop by every now and then, okay!?” He nodded, “Right then, see you later, lizard” (Ponyville) Bear seemed to be lost in thought, “Now let’s see…if I were a bunch of weasels…where would I go?” “Well, I suppose there’s no sense in standing around,” he started sprinting in a random direction, “I’ll find them eventually!” As he sped along, he saw all kinds of wonderful weasels, ones with weird eyes, black ones with holes in their legs, hipster ones, and many more. He briefly considered eating one, because he wondered if they would taste like candy, but he decided against it. His father hid that candy in the medicine cabinet years ago, and it did NOT taste good at all. The worst thing he ate was something called “Neosporin?” He didn’t remember the name of it, but it tasted awful. Bear went to the hospital from eating all that candy, but he survived, because he’s Bear Grylls, and he served in the British Special Forces. Eventually, he sprinted along a dirt path that lead him to a small cottage with flowers all around near the Everfree forest. It looked so quaint, and the air around it smelled good. If he was lucky, it would turn out to be abandoned, and he could eat whatever animals inside that had made their nests there. He turned to the camera, “If you ever see a dirt road leading off to a shack of some sort, always always ALWAYS check it out. That goes double if there’s a sign that says free candy. Sugar will give you the energy you need to survive” He jogged up to the shack and noticed another one of the weasels humming and watering its flowers, “Damn, just my luck!” Fluttershy dropped the watering can and squeaked out of surprise, “Y-you’re here…please! D-don’t eat my friends!” He smiled warmly at Fluttershy, “Last time I ate weasels, I got some serious heartburn. I’ll never do THAT again, I can assure you. I’m Bear Grylls, and I served with the British Special Forces” She was about to say something back to him, but he gasped dramatically, grabbed her, and held her tight, “Get down!” “Eep!” was all she could say as he laid on top of her to protect her. “What ha-happened!? Are you going to eat me!?” Fluttershy was paralyzed with fear. Bear was down to a whisper as he shook his head, not taking his eyes off of the threat, “No, much worse” Her heart stopped, “What could be worse than that!?” She looked at where Bear was looking and was slightly taken aback, “A honey badger? You’re afraid of a honey badger? It’s just a timid, little thing; it doesn’t like to fight much. I’ve talked to him before, he’s nice” “Just a timid, little honey badger!? Nice!?” he exclaimed, “Honey badger don’t give a shit, honey badger badass!” She blinked, “Oh, no, I’ve dealt with plenty of honey badgers. Besides, you’re part bear, aren’t you bigger than him?” “Honey badger don’t care, honey badgers are craaazy!” He muttered as he grabbed his yellow weasel friend, “We’re going to go on three” Fluttershy was incredibly confused at that point, “What!? What do you mean go!?” After a long pause, Bear spoke again, skipping the useless one and two (Like a boss), “…THREE! Go, go, GO!” He sprinted back off to Ponyville, still clutching Fluttershy tightly. “Oh Fluttershy,” she whispered to herself, “what did you do to deserve this?”