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Everyone wanted to talk to her. To tell her that they were sorry for her loss, to ask her how she was holding up. Everyone, they all wanted to talk to Fluttershy.
And for each of them, she would have to lie. Of course, they would say she didn’t. Many of them would tell her it was okay to open up, but it wasn’t. How could it be? How could anything ever be okay again?
How could she tell them that the world had fallen from her beneath her feet? How could she explain to them that her mama had been the one to die, but now Fluttershy was the one in Hell? How could they ever understand?
So she lied. She said she was holding up okay. She said she’d be okay. She put on the brave face to show them that she could keep going, and they all told her how strong and brave she was.
Brave? That had never once been a word that could describe Fluttershy. Certainly not now. All she wanted to do was run away. The entire service, all she could think of was being back in her bedroom, where she wouldn’t be surrounded by people she barely knew, and where she could at least have a wall separating her from him.
She sat beside her father as someone spoke to the crowd about her Mama. He had never known her, but he was speaking about her life and the effect she’d had on others. Of course, it wasn’t like Fluttershy herself would be able to speak. All she could do was cry.
Her father sat stoically beside her, face unreadable. But Fluttershy had seen him crying the night before. For a moment, she had felt empathy for him during their shared grief. Then he hit her for having seen him cry, and all she could think was that if Mama was still here, he wouldn’t dare.
So Fluttershy just watched someone who never knew her mom talk about how she left behind a loving husband and daughter. Fluttershy thought differently. She’d died, and love had died with her.
After he was done, other people took to the podium. At least they had known her in some fashion, although none of them had been close to her for years. Her Mama’s declining health had prevented her from being close to anyone except her daughter and husband.
But at least they’d known her, which should have made it better. But instead, all Fluttershy could think was that none of them knew her like she did. Even her father hadn’t known her like Fluttershy had. Day in and day out, Fluttershy had been the one by her side. She had been her Mama’s world, just as her Mama had been hers.
And now, she was gone. She was gone, and nothing would ever be the same again.
When everyone finished talking, they were supposed to each take a turn walking past the open casket to say their final goodbyes. Some people had tokens they would leave with her. Fluttershy had wanted to bring a sunflower because they were her Mama’s favorite. Her father had said that was stupid, so she had brought nothing.
He took the front of the line, with Fluttershy behind him. She watched his face as he looked into the casket, and saw it move from one unreadable expression to the next.
Fluttershy didn’t want to look. Her Mama was gone, and her body wouldn’t hear any last goodbyes. But she was expected to, and she dare not disappoint, so she stepped up after her father had left.
She looked into the casket and saw a young woman who looked very much like her Mama, but who wasn’t her. She was covered in blood and debris, and her hands gripped her stomach protectively. As Fluttershy looked down at the scene, she could hear a baby crying.
She was expected to move along, so she did, and she did not think of the woman who looked so much like herself again.