//------------------------------// // Nobody solve's some problems and does some interviews // Story: Life of a Nobody // by Xinrick //------------------------------// I woke up in the cave. Mom was still asleep, and the sun was barely rising. Sleeping like this was comfey.  I yawned and got up gently, stretching out in my primal form. ”This is...really nice.” I thought to myself, finding the simpler life of a dire wolf was nice. ”Also I’m gonna need to get some of my family to try that elephant thing, that was really good.” I mentally added. I took a step outside, the morning air smelled so clean, so clear. I listened, hearing a stream with running water nearby and headed towards it. I found it, and tried drinking like this… how do dogs do this? “This is a little weird…” I muttered, licking at the running water thinking this was how dogs did it. “*Yawn* Morning Ben.” Mom said, walking up to the stream and drinking. I saw her tongue curved up when she was bringing it back from the water, making like a bowel. I tried that, and thankfully, that worked. “How did you sleep?” “It was really good.” I said honestly. “Being like this...is nice. It’s simple and free.” “Yes, this lesson isn’t about combat, or even really training. It’s to learn to enjoy peace.” Mom said. “Now come on, let’s go see if the smaller meat eaters left anything of your kill yesterday over.” “Hopefully.” I said honestly. “Cause I’m hungry.” I said, my stomach growling a little bit. “By the by...have you ever had any problems with food shortages?” I asked curiously. “Like...accidentally over hunted or a winter was too cruel?” Mom smiled. “That is the best part of this world, the prey reproduce fast, and grow up faster, and the Winter Time brings a new thrill and challenge to hunting. Never have we had an issue with food.” She said. “Huh, that’s interesting.” I said honestly. “Glad to know cause...well I would have thought that would have been a thing considering...several reasons.” I said honestly, knowing that sometimes nature or people just do a derp on complete accident. We ran back to my kill yesterday. It was all bones, some birds picking at the remains on the skull. “Aw.” Mom said. “Looks like they were hungry. Well, this will give you chance to hunt a new pray… and I have just the one.” She said, with a smile and a nod then running off, leading the way. I ran after her quickly, wondering what kind of prey she wanted me to hunt for right now. “What’s to hunt this time?” I asked curiously, wondering if it’ll be either a fast thing that you need to sneak up on or a tough one where I actually have to fight the thing before killing it. We came along a tundra like area where… giant turtles were walking around. “The Flaks. Hard to take down, tasty meat. Their shells are the few things we can’t bite through, and when we do kill one getting to the organs inside the shell. Ohh, so worth it.” “Alrighty then.” I said. “Wonder how tasty it is...even though I like turtles...but I’m a bit surprised I haven’t met a Turtle Sage.” I brought up honestly, not ever meeting an actual turtle person before. “So...sneak up on it?” I asked, not really sure how fast it is. “Yes. They see you, they retreat into that shell, and they can stay in there for a long time. Longest my father kept count on was nine years.” “Turtles sure have a lot of patience.” I said. “How long do these things live?” I asked, watching the things carefully and seeing if there was any blind spots on the thing. “We are not sure. We do not hunt them too often, but I know for a fact it’s between five to nine thousand years.” “Yeah, they live a long ass time.” I said, noticing that they do have a blind spot I can use, but looking around the area to make sure none of the other turtles are around to share that their being hunted. When I noticed none of the other turtles were noticing I stealthed my way up to the giant turtle, staying out of sight and using it’s blind spots to get close enough. ”And…” I thought to myself, feeling my muscles tighten up in prep to pounce at it’s throat. When the Turtle lowered it’s head down to eat some grass I knew it was time as I leaped up, the ground slightly cracking under me as I latched onto it, tearing into it before it could slink into its shell. It’s head flew off as I yanked on it’s neck. It’s blood was… rather good, reminding me of...Grape Fanta for some reason. I took a bite of it’s meat, and wow, it was good. Like bacon and KFC where the same thing! Actually, that would make a good menu item. “Wow, this is really good.” I said honestly. “Bacon wrapped KFC...yeah that sounds good.” I chuckled a little. Mom came up, giving me a loving lick before eating some herself. She let me...crawl inside to eat it’s insides and… Think Pancakes, cooked in bacon grease with syrup and sausages all made into an omlet. “And that’s just the throat!” Mom called from the neck hole I was in. “Excuse me but why are things here so damn delicious!?!” I questioned, about to basically become Pac Man and eat the entire damn thing. “It’s your taste buds Ben. All prey on this world we evolved to hunt and eat, so it makes sense their prey tastes amazing to you since you never had any before.” Mom explained. “Okay!” I called back while continuing to eat my way through the entire thing. “Jeez, this is so damn good.” By the time I crawled out of the almost husk of a shell my stomach had a noticeable bulge and I was so...so full. Mom laughed. “I see you had fun.” “Sorry if I-” I suddenly let out a loud burp. “Uh...excuse me…” I said nervously, my cheeks turning red in embarrassment. She chuckled, licking my face. “Awh, my boy is all dirty.” She said. I looked myself over and yes… I was dirty, and covered in blood… “Well...looks like I’m gonna need a bath.” I said honestly. “Um...this is gonna be new cause I’m used to actual soap and running water…” Mom smiled. “Come along.” She said. We arrived at a cliff side with a large waterfall, mom had me rub along this wet tree bark, then I let the water run along me. It worked out pretty well, the blood was gone and my coat looked clean, and shiny. “Ah, so good.” I said, feeling better now that I cleaned up. “Oh um...sorry I didn’t save any for you mom.” I said nervously. “Heh. I’m just glad you are embracing your newfound heritage.” She said, letting the water clean herself as well. “There is so much for you to learn… and who knows how much time to do them.” She said. “Yeah, I’m kind of expecting Cript to appear and start my Humanity...and Psychopath training.” I said honestly. “But...this has been so great mom.” “I know. So, until your father comes along, let’s make this great.” She said, giving me a warm smile. I smiled back, my tail wagging happily. “Um...is there any other sapient races on this world?” I asked curiously. She shook her head. “It was just our kind sweet heart. Although…” “Although?” I asked. “I mean...I know about that now extinct race but still.” “There are others of our kind, all with Cript, like me. I think I can make a Call.” She said. To my surprise, she began to howl, her throat and neck glowing blue as when her howl finished, an ethereal wolf flew from her mouth, and ran off into a portal. She looked over at me, slack jawed. “You will learn that later.” “Did you...just vomit a spirit wolf?” I asked slowly. She laughed. “No, it’s the Howls Call spell. Think of it like magic E-mail.” “I mean...you can still summon spirit wolves right?” I asked. “Cause seriously, howling and then summoning back up in case of a sudden fight is a hell of a thing.” “Yes, but at a later date.” Mom said, a portal opening nearby as five other Dire Wolf females and...like a hundred pups came flooding in! “Mira! Star! Filly! Nest! Moca! You made it!” Mom said, running up to the other Direwolves. “Well when we got your howl we had to see how well dear Cript remake our home.” The one, Moca, I think spoke. Unlike mom, she had patches of white in her coat, and yellow eyes. She took a look around. “Oh my, the bathing springs. Purrr. We should see how hubby looks as one of us and spend time with him here.” The group laughed. The pups all exploring and looking around. “Um...hello.” I said, walking up to the new Dire wolves. “How are you all doing?” “Ohhhhh! Den, is this your dashing son Ben you are on and on and on about?” Filly, I think asked. Her coat was like moms, but her ears where grey and eyes orange. Mom smiled. “Yup. The first of my litter to give grandkids.” “Aw, jelly!” I blushed a little. “What have you been going on and on about besides the fact I gave you grandkids?” I asked nervously. “That you are now a king.” Mira, I think, said. She had a completely white coat, and deep blue eyes. “That you have a pack all your own already. And it’s growing.” Nest, I think said. Her coat was a brown color with red eyes. “And that you still drink from her teats!” Star said. She was the smallest, easily, a lighter coat than moms and her eyes where the color of a sunset. I blushed brightly and fell down, putting my paws over my eyes and groaned. “Damn it...why did you have to tell them that?” I whined, my ears flat against my skull in embarrassment. “But...yes, I am a king and I am getting even more wives…” I said. “Well, while Den and us all get some girl time, you go play with your brothers and sisters.” Moca said, waving over to the massive flood of pups ranging from way younger than me to almost infants. “Well...it’s gonna be a heck of a thing…” I muttered. “Well, have fun mom. I’ll try not to have a heart attack from all the cuteness.” I said, already knowing the pups will try to be adorable as possible even if it would be on accident. “Well, I’ll be back.” I said while getting up and walking over to the pups. Not ten seconds stepping three feet towards them I was dog piled, them pups either play biting or just plain running all over me. I laughed, knowing they would dogpile me. “Silly silly pups.” I said. “So, what are your names?” I asked them, wondering if they did have names. Not many said, most were too busy playing or running around. This will be some good practice for my own kids. The Airship was off again. That talk I had with the girls helped me...a lot more than expected. Admitting my fears, my peeves… felt liberating. I was on the deck, looking at the night sky and wondering what else is out there for me. “There’s still so much…” I muttered a bit. “I still need to hunt for the other Organization Mushrooms...but then there’s just so much other stuff…” I stared at the sky, wondering what fate has in store. I often think everything is a joke for me to live out but… this feels like things are clearing up. The path is visible but not quite clear yet. “Well...at least things are going well so far…” I said, really hoping the future will be as clear and good as the night sky. I looked around, noticing a Keyblade glider approaching… who is that? I could see it was a mare, Rarity level white fur, beautiful blond mane. I gently floated up and flew over. “Yo!” I called out, waving down the random mare. “What do you need?” “Mind if I land?” She asked. We headed over to the deck and she got herself settled. “Heh, been riding for two days trying to catch up with you Ben.” She said. “And...you are?” I asked. “I’m sorry for not remembering but...just so many things tend to happen.” I said, trying to remember if I knew any blond mare. “But two days? What do you mean?” She chuckled. “I figured you wouldn’t remember me. Last time you saw me was when Cadence lost Shining Armor.” “Yeah...that was a while ago.” I said honestly. “So, still don’t remember me?” “I mean...I thought I brought all my fiance’s if your who I think you are.” I said honestly. “I...believe your the Mother Cript sent us because of...reasons?” She laughed, walking over to me. “My new name is Pureblood, but you knew me as Blue Blood.” I thought about it. “Yeah, now I remember.” I said honestly. “Sorry, it’s just...well we literally only talked once and then you just disappeared.” I said nervously. “I said I had some things to take care of. Ponyville general hospital is the only one of few to provide gender swap spells that hit your genetic code.” She purred. “That makes it a curse, hard to break, not that I want to change back…” She sighed. “I have been unhappy for a very long time, it’s why I acted so… well snobbish. Rarity likely told you about the Gala incident at some point…” “Honestly it’s both your faults.” I said honestly. “Rarity was trying to get in your pants because your royalty, and you were just an absolute dick bag to her. And you became a woman because what, you wanted to marry me or something?” I asked simply, having a feeling she had to be here for some important reason. “Well, I know Auntie would be happy to have her first and oldest lineage revived.” She said, face turning pink. “I just need time to decide if, well, you're the one for me. At this point I think only Rarity would be angry.” “That depends on how everyone else reacts.” I said honestly. “Cause while Rarity would likely be pissed, not sure about the others.” I shrugged. “Also this might be seen as your attempt at gaining power because...well the obvious.” I shrugged. “Legally I am already a prince of Equis, well, Princess now but it’s more honorary title than any real authority. I know I have no reason to...ask, or right, but just let me have a chance. Please?” “It’s alright. You’ll have your chance...oh and question, have you done anything severely illegal?” I asked, remembering I still have a laundry list of nobles to convict. “Would I be here if I did? All the nobles arrested for crimes are either punished or awaiting trial.” “True.” I said honestly. “So, anything you want to talk about before just going head first in this?” “Well, unlike your wives I’d like a few dates first.” She said, give me a smile...for once being a dude… why is she so cute? “The nearest town from here is the Yake City. Think at some point there we can go on a date there?” “I mean...I’m going there anyways...um, who are the king and queen if I may ask and do they have a daughter?” I asked curiously, not entirely remembering what Celestia and Luna told me about all the royals. “They have a prince, the only one. But from what I hear just for you they adopted a princess…just be wary, the Yaks are known to be...easily tempered…” “Can’t wait to sass them down to learn anger management.” I rolled my eyes. “It’s their culture. Doing that is like pissing on the princesses. You’ll have to find a compromise.” “I don’t know what Celestia and Luna are fully into cause I don’t want to ask.” I told her honestly. “But yeah...gonna have to figure that out...can’t wait for the upcoming shouting contests.” I groaned. “Good, cause that’s also part of the culture.” “Great…” I muttered. “This is gonna be a headache and a half. And I’m gonna be bitched at for following their customs of seeing who can argue like an italian better.” I rolled my eyes. “So, besides that...anything else about the Yak culture I should know?” “Not off the top pf my head. It’s fucking freezing here. The Yaks live well passed the north of the Crystal Empire, where snow was all you can see. Their kingdom was small, atop a large mountain with tall wooden walls surrounding it. We landed and where greeted by the prince. “GREETINGS WHITE KNIGHT AND WIVES OF WHITE KNIGHT!” He yelled. Jesus he can make anyone def! “WE HAVE BEEN EXPECTING YOU! I AM PRINCE RUTHERFORD.” “And can you kindly not scream each word?” I asked, uncovering my ears as I winced at the small ringing in my ears. He seemed a bit confused, then spoke, not yelling, spoke, through his regular voice was still rather loud. “I apologize. I thought the Princesses would love my take on the Royal Canterlot voice?” Celestia and Luna laughed. “You people are gonna give me fucking Tinnitus.” I grumbled bitterly. “But anyways, as you can clearly see I am a wolf, and our hearing is a lot better than most species so...thank you for toning it down a bit. I understand you people really like to shout but still.” I said. “But it’s nice to meet you Prince Rutherford.” I nodded. “Oh, apologies White Knight. Come, we have traditional Yak foods and drinks ready, and once meals are eaten, I will show you my adopted sister, and your future bride.” Rutherford said. “Thank you.” I nodded. “Can’t wait to try your traditional food and drinks.” I said honestly, wondering how good their food will be. “Now...is there anything I should know before just walking into the castle? Like if your dad wants to fight me for whatever reason?” “My father long dead. Mother died not long after.” The Prince said. I took a deep breath. “I...am so sorry.” I said nervously and sadly. “I’m sorry for...bringing that up.” “It is alright. Many moons ago that was. They were good yaks. Much louder and stronger than I.” He said. We entered one of the small tent areas where some pastry looking foods, mashed potatoes, and such were laid out. We all took a seat and, the food was alright. It wasn’t that good, but not lacking taste. “Well the foods nice.” I said honestly, liking the food even if it wasn’t the best...but well not many things can compare to Flak, god was that giant turtle delicious. “What kind of drinks are there?” “Here, this is Groat Vile.” The prince said, handing me a mug with a fizzy liquid. “Alright…” I muttered while taking the mug and taking a sip of it just to see how it tasted. It tasted alright. “It is Yak milk fermented in dead sheep stomach and aged for one month.” “Not bad. Taste’s nice.” I said honestly. “I don’t really know how to properly ferment drinks but still.” I said honestly. “All Yak foods invented with trial and error. Life this far north is harsh, food is food. Can not be too picky with what we have to work with.” “I understand.” I nodded. “But hey, I’ll do my best to make things better for the yaks if at all possible.” I said, already trying to think of a way to help the yaks even in their very snowy region. “Mainly Yaks need medicine. Not many herbs grow here, so injuries can be deadly.” “Oh yeah, medicine is one thing I can help with.” I said honestly. “I think there’s a way to build indoor farms for plants that need sunlight and some other things that can’t be done this far north…” I said, scratching my chin in thought. “Is there anything else besides medicine?” I asked curiously. “Water has never been an issue. Snow everywhere so that’s good. Wood is often hard to find, so we use leather and stone.” I nodded. “I know this place is on a mountain but are avalanches or the thought of the city literally sliding down the mountain ever been an issue?” I asked curiously. “The snow here is packed tight after the generations, and is partly frozen over during the fall and winter months. The idea is possible, but unlikely.” “Alright.” I nodded. “Is there any good ways for transportation to get here besides airship?” I asked curiously, not knowing much about the surrounding area besides it being the frozen north. “Hot air balloon and Zeppelin are the fastest. No trains come here and walking is almost a death sentence.” “Yeah, that’s reasonable.” I said honestly. “Are you happy about your sister being married to me?” I asked. “I know I’m not a Yak, and the only thing I have immediately is what you know of me as White Knight so…” “We all are. She is well known and being adopted for such honor has made her giddy with joy.” “That’s good.” I nodded. “I’m glad to hear that people are happy.” I said with a gentle smile, glad that even though people only know me as White Knight people are happy to at least meet me instead of either nervous or bitter because of some weird reason or another. “Yes. She is getting ready as we speak.” I nodded. “Can’t wait to meet her. So, how is everyone else enjoying this?” I asked my many fiances. “The food is good.” Rarity said. “The last time Celestia and I where in these lands was a thousand and a half years ago.” Luna spoke. “It’s much smaller than back then.” “Hm, yes. Time has been harsh.” The prince spoke. “Time get’s to everyone and everything…” I sighed out. “No matter how hard we try to fight it.” “Yes. It’s a sad truth, one many try to ignore of avoid. Nothing but failure for those fools.” Just then, a female yak walked in, and whispered something to him. “Ah. Your bride is ready!” “Can’t wait to meet her.” I said honestly while gently getting up. “Where be the wonderful lady?” I asked curiously. “Well, that’s the part I must explain first.” The Prince said. “Your wife is Yona, well loved within the village, but she is just a child. For this marriage her mother is marrying you in her stead til she is of age.” The Prince then sighed. “Yona’s father, you see...was not the… father type. We banished him from the kingdom years ago, and he has never been seen since.” “Um…” I blinked. “That’s...gonna be very confusing. So...I’m marrying Yona’s mother...and then her daughter when she’s of age…” I looked at everyone else to see what they had to say. “Anything you all want to say about this?” I asked, just curious about if they had anything to say about this sudden thing. “It’s...a bit strange.” Rarity offered. “It’s not that much in practice anymore.” Twilight said. “Twilight has a point.” Luna said. “Long ago some herd marriages with more than one stallion sometimes had the daughters marry the stepfathers, or other fathers. That was a LONG time ago however.” “Nowadays that is seen as taboo, at least in Equestria.” Celestia said. “I know for a fact this is still practiced and common in the Deer and Dragon Lands, the Lions used to do something similar but I am not sure anymore?” “Oh, there are lion people?” I asked honestly. “I...didn’t know that...there’s a lot of things I still don’t know.” “The lions long since integrated with the Zebras.” Twilight said. “The only pure lion cities are scattered here and there.” “Right...but do I still need to find the leader of the tigers or no?” I asked curiously, knowing somethings can’t be simple enough. “We’ll cross that bridge when we get there.” Coco said. “So, how’s about meeting your brides?” The prince asked. “Sure.” I nodded. “Let’s hope I’ll make a good first impression…” I muttered to myself. The prince lead me, and me alone, to the tent where the brides where. I could easily tell who was Yona, the smallest. She was in what looked like a flower girls dress, pretty Ponytails on each side of her head, and surprisingly big horns for her age. Her mother, well… she was Celestia’s height, the source of Yona’s eye color, and gifted curves and fluff that rivaled my new Kirin wives. Yona saw me… and Tackled me. “YEEEE! Yona been waiting for future husband! Now he here!” She said, having managed to knock me flat on the floor. “Yona, calm yourself.” Yona’s mom said, taking the young Yak off me. “Apologies, Yona is easily excited. I am Nona, Yona’s mother, and… well, you know.” She said. She was in a bride dress, though the design was less stylish. Rarity would cry. “It’s nice to meet you both.” I nodded while getting back up. “You look beautiful Nona.” I said with a warm smile. “And Yona...your just adorable.” I chuckled, finding the younger Yak’s antics very cute. “Yona make dress all by herself!” She proclaimed proudly. “Yes, took the better part of a month stitching it together.” Nona said. “She’s fourteen. At sixteen she will be you wife, til then I am to… be there and… well, heh. Sorry, I am sure the Prince told you about my last husband…” “All he told me was that he was terrible and was banished.” I said. “Yes, well, that’s the clean version of it.” Nona sighed. “Yona was too young to remember, and some people are best left forgotten.” She trailed off, shaking her head. “So, mind if I ask what you are like White Knight?” “It’s alright.” I said gently. “But what am I like? Well...that’s gonna be a long explanation but short answer would be I’m kind, caring, and I really want the people in my life to be happy and safe.” I said simply. “That is good.” Nona nodded. “I can be stubborn, but caring. Often times I am the party pooper and I can let my temper slip...often… but I never let that make me say something horrible.” “I understand.” I nodded. “But as long as you're happy that’s all I really care about.” “Thank you. I know it will be...strange, having Yona among the...adults, but trust me, when the adult fun starts, just show her the TV or a comic book and she’s occupied for at least an hour.” Nona winked at me. “I have enough kids to keep her distracted till she’s old enough.” I said honestly. “Heh. that is good. Not too many children her age these days.” “True, but I’m sure there’s a lot of kids her age she’ll meet.” I said honestly. “Anything else you two want to know about me before meeting your fellow wives?” I asked curiously. “Not at the moment. If anything pops up I shall inform you.” “Yona was told wedding cake would be huge.” Yona said. “Is cake going to be huge?” “I had a party thrown for me and a cake was about the size of my old house...which was an entire Castle.” I said honestly. “So I’m pretty sure it’s going to be even bigger than a castle sized cake.” “Yay!” Yona cheered, making her mother and I laugh… Wait a minute… I’m marrying Yona’s mom, making her my daughter… OH CRAP! Just then, Yona’s brown fur began turning a light shade of blue, dire wolf ears sprouting from the top of her head, between her horns, and her yak like nose became a bit more wolf like. “...What just happened?” Nona asked. “Shit…” I sighed out. “So...there’s this curse where any child I adopt or parent I marry...they become biologically mine.” “So...Yona is both your genetic daughter...and wife to be… Somehow that is not going to be the strangest thing I will ever hear, is it?” Nona asked. I chuckled a little. “It won’t be the strangest thing you’ll ever hear, especially since you have all my wives to meet still.” I said honestly. “But yeah so...Yona, your now half Dire Wolf.” Yona looked herself over, felt her new ears then looked into a hand mirror. “Yona look creepy, and cool. Yona like new Yona look.” Somewhere, in the Tumblrverse, I could hear the incest jokes circulating already… This is my first fourth wall break joke. “Well...glad you like the new look Yona.” I said, hating that there’s incest jokes circulating about me. Back in my castle, I was dealing with some more nobels. Taking a break from that mess, Consequence then brought me a few documents after some Dragoon Nobodies brought me a desk. “These are the new recruitment forms.” “New recruitment forms?” I asked curiously. “With the integration of the Zebra, Dragon, Equestria, and now Yaks we need diversity amongst the guards and staff. Can’t play favoritism.” He explained. “True.” I said honestly. “This is gonna be a bit complicated...oh, also start shipping medicine and herbs to the Yak kingdom, they really need it.” “Right away.” He said, bowing before vanishing in a swirl of Twilight thorns. I looked over the documents. Mostly they were profiles of candidates, physicals, qualifications, history. One guard from here in Canterlot caught my eye. Ephter. Ephter Class S guard Race: Unicorn Gender: Stallion Cutie Mark: Cross Qualifications: Classified Background: Classified Mission success rate: Classified. Confirmed kill count: Classified. Combat experience: Classified. Everything in his file was either Redacted, cut out or classified. I looked through and found nine more like him. I sighed out. “Alright, which one of you is already in here.” I asked, knowing that if there’s ten redacted to hell documents at least one of these bastards is gonna be in the room I’m in right now. “Cause if you wanted a chance to talk you could have just said so instead of sneaking in here.” There was no response. “Hm.” I hummed. “Consequence.” I called and he appeared. “Yes sire?” “Who are these ten people that have their credentials redacted to hell?” I asked, bringing out the ten very classified documents. “And is any of them either in this room or sneaking around my castle?” “Hm.” He said, looking them over. “Ah yes. In the Royal Vault there where these ten files. Each a member of a top secret organization that comprised of just these ten ponies. They dealt with monsters and beasts before Twilight and her friends found the elements. The organization was disbanded and all documents and buildings affiliated destroyed. Something about a creature they captured escaping and massacring a whole town. All that remains are these ten files, and the ponies in question.” “Bring them here if they aren’t already.” I said honestly. “I want to get to know these special ten.” I said, wondering what makes these ten special besides being monster hunters. “It shall be done, sire. Til then, I have some outsource muscle some of your Council members scouted out when searching for… unique talent to bring to your army.” “Thank you.” I nodded. “But how unique?” I ask curiously. “Well, first up we have Mr-” “SAXTON HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!” Someone shouting their own name to the heavens yelled as they crashed into my throne room. Short shorts, heavy boots, enough muscle to take on anything...and australia shaped chest hair landed in front of me. “Howdy! I’m Saxton Hale, owner of Mann Co, and your new front liner. Now, where is this war so I can start punching all the beasties?” He asked, looking around. I took a deep breath. “Okay...the war hasn’t started yet...and already I can tell your going to give me a massive headache.” I groaned, rubbing my temples. “So, how did you get here?” “I ran!” He proclaimed proudly. “He’s not joking.” Consequence said. “He just… started running after accepting the offer and made a hole in space time.” “Yep...this is gonna be a massive fucking headache.” I grumbled. “So, besides just doing...whatever the fuck you did, what else are you good at?” “I can punch anything into extinction! My weapons company produces the most expensive and powerful arms around! And the hats! Oh Everyone loves the hats and costumes! I also bring all my Mercs! Since Blue and Red Mann both died, and Grey Mann kicked the bucket I own them all! So They can do whatever if you want.” “Alright, those mercs will be given actual weapons that aren’t outdated by forty years.” I said honestly, remembering a friend talk about Team Fortress 2 and I did some little research and the actual game time line was forty four years ago by earth standards. “Well, the lab boys are yours to talk to, so go on then. So, what do I have to punch first?” “Nothing at the moment. So you can take your time and prepare.” I said honestly. “...Are you kidding me!? Are you Fucking kidding me?!?! I travel across all reality, time, space, and the bloody multiverse, just to be told to wait. Well Saxton Hale does not just sit on his ass and wait like a @#$# #$#%$#% @#$#$#$QW# $#$$%@%$!” Holy shit that was actually censored! “I’m looking for something to punch! Call me when ya need me.” He said, crashing through the floor. I checked the clock on the wall. “Sure he censored his words but...damn is he boring.” I said honestly. “Very over exaggerated character of an Australian.” “You should see his world… Compared to most… he is rather normal.” Consequence said. “Yeah, I know Consequence. I’ve looked into Team Fortress 2.” I said honestly. “Would you like to meet with these mercs? Interviews may be stressful, but recommended.” “Best to get them out of the way.” I said honestly. “Can’t wait to have all of them in the same room, they better not try to murder each other for petty reasons.” “One at a time it is then.” I sat across the room was Sniper, who stood with a sense of respect. “It’s nice to meet you both.” I said to both the Blue and Red sniper. “How are you doing today if I may ask?” I asked simply, wanting to break the ice with the two. “A tad awkward.” Red admitted. “Usually we are shooting one another.” Blue continued. “Yeah, I can understand that...but...mind if I ask why you two are literally identical?” I asked honestly, not really knowing any ‘in game’ explanations on why there are two identical people in the game. “Clones.” They both replied. “When...whichever of us were hired, we were put into a medicated coma for a while. Woke up with a color and a twin sporting the opposite color.” Red sniper said. “We have no idea which is the clone and which is the original. At this point we don’t care either.” “Alrighty then.” I nodded. “So, I’m pretty sure you're wondering where the price tag on this venture is correct?” I asked curiously. “We are Mercs.” Blue confirmed. “Alright, so what is your price?” I asked simply. “Cause I have way too much goddamn money.” I said honestly. “Not to mention I have better weapons and gear for you if needed.” “Well our old contracts paid us twelve grand an hour, and paid for housing, food, weapons.” Blue Sniper said. “Okay so thirty grand an hour and including housing, food and weapons.” I said honestly. “That sound good?” I asked, running through my head all the known money I had and knowing that amount would be paltry compared to all the nines I saw those three other god damn times, not to mention the allowance Cript’s family get’s whenever. “That’s more than enough!” Red sniper said. “Good. We’ll pack our stuff from Two Fort and be off.” Blue said, the two exited. The next two where blue and red Heavy. Damn, game did not exaggerate their size and build. “We are heavy weapons men.” Blue stated. “Nice to meet you both.” I nodded. “How are you two doing today?” I asked simply. “We do alright.” Red heavy said. “So, we are told you are new boss, this is true?” “Yes it is.” I nodded. “So, anything specific about payment?” I asked curiously, wondering if they have anything specific. “Payment of weapons and munitions.” Blue started. “And relocation of family. Homeland become too harsh, they deserve better. Safer. A place where bear meat will not be common.” Red finished. “That will be simple enough.” I said honestly. “Anywhere specific about where you want your families to be? Cause there’s a ton of places they can move to that’s safe in both weather and nature, and surrounded by a lot of friendly people.” “Just big house in safe, simple place.” Blue said. “Like small town, or in woods.” “That can be easily solved.” I nodded. “There’s actually a nice small town called Ponyville not to far from the palace.” I said honestly. “I’ll get some people working on the houses if there isn’t any and I’ll make sure they get moved in comfortably.” I explained, the Heavy’s seeing that I’m actually a caring person instead of the greedy bastards they tend to work for. “Thank you.” Red said. “That will be all.” Blue finished, the two leaving. Next up where the spy’s, the two pulling up chairs. “Hello, how are you two doing today?” I asked the two Spy’s. “Fine.” Red spy said. “It’s a pleasure to be speaking with what I hope is an intellectual boss.” Blue spy said, taking out a cigarette. “I assume you met Hale?” “He kind of bores me.” I said honestly. “I have no idea how he does the things he does but...I’ve lived through a lot weirder to be perfectly honest.” I shrugged. “But just so you both know, I’m not an idiot like your previous bosses.” I said honestly. “That is a grand relief.” Red said. “So, what will we be doing while in your employment? This war that was discussed seems rather out of our typical expertise.” “Yes, that concerned me as well.” Blue added. “Because I’m curious, how good are you at being Spy’s?” I asked curiously. “Both of you have good eyes for detail, how many of my guards are in this room right now?” I asked, knowing there’s at least three Assassin Nobodies and two Shinobi Nobodies. “Hmm…” Blue pondered, thinking back. “Four.” Red said aloud. “Three hidden…and yourself. You are no helpless ruler.” ”There’s five in here actually.” I said honestly. “But good eye, that’s something important cause I don’t expect you two to be fighting on the front lines. I’d like for the both of you to...well be Spy’s, gather info, report anything suspicious, all that fanciness.” I said honestly. “But now, onto payment. Anything specific?” I asked curiously. “Our usual fee from Mann co.” Blue started. “The basics, paid munitions, transport, supplies. And some upgraded tech. As good as our cloaking and disguise kits are, they do fail at the worst of times sometimes.” “That will all be taken care of.” I nodded. “And your tech will be improved by a lot, a lot of things can change in forty plus years.” I said honestly, knowing that, apparently, there are Blacksmith and Engineering type Nobodies they can make those things a lot better. ”Still surprised that Nobodies can be damn near anything…” I thought to myself. “Thank you.” Red spy said as the two left the room. These are going smoothly. Next up where the Demo’s. Both drunk beyond human possibility and they both promptly...fell asleep on my desk... I sighed out. “Of course.” I muttered while summoning my lexicon and casting a time spell that sped up their drunken sleep till they actually woke the fuck up. “GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!” They both shouted upon waking up. “What just happened?” Blue demo asked. “I just sped up time so you both could wake up from drinking to damn much.” I said bluntly. “So, how are you two doing after your power nap?” “Not drunk enough.” Red demo said, taking a swig from his alcohol. “Can’t really have a proper interview if your blackout drunk ya know.” I said honestly. “But anyways, any questions about working for me or do I just get to asking what other things you want payment for besides food, housing, weapons and a lot of booze?” “Eh, sounds good.” Blue said, taking Red’s booze and drinking. The two then left, laughing while drinking “Okay...that really didn’t answer my question though…” I muttered, not knowing if they wanted anything else but oh well. “Next.” I said, wondering who’s next and hoping Soldier or Scout won’t be too much of a god damn hassle. Up next where the Engineers. The two taking a bow of respect. “Please, no need to bow.” I said with a raised hand. “How are you two doing today?” I asked, glad that Engineer was next cause this would be nice to talk. “Quite fin boss man.” Red Engi said. “We will be happy to help you deliver crafted automated destruction upon your enemies.” Blue stated. “Good.” I nodded. “What kind of payment?” I asked simply. “Double our normal wage, and funding to develop many more kinds of turrets and higher grade dispensers.” Red asked. “That is simple enough to do in both cases.” I nodded. “You’ll find all the new minerals in the blacksmithing area and all the new tech in the Engineering area’s if you want to take a look around there.” I said honestly, still needing to walk around this huge ass place to figure out all of the things. “Thank ya kindly sir.” They both said, leaving. Next up was Soldiers… who came in on a rocket jump and both smashed into the wall behind me. “Of course…” I muttered. I took a deep breath. “Front and center maggots!” I barked at the two like a drill sergeant. “Is this anyway you appear in front of your commanding officer? Rocket jumping in like a couple of sissy’s?” The two jumped up, getting into formation and saluting. “Wait. But, you are a king, not a general or commander?” Blue asked. “Aren’t they the same thing?” Red questioned. God these guys are dumb. “Are both of you piss ants questioning my authority?” I snapped. “Sir no sir!” They both said, standing at attention. “Good.” I said sternly. “So, how much were you pansy’s getting paid from Mann Co?” I asked simply. “Sir we do not get paid sir! We fight to kill!” The both said, again. Wait, they don’t get paid… why does that make sense…? “So you don’t get paid…” I started. “So, you don’t have housing, food, or money for munitions and better gear?” I asked. “Mann co paid for all that, but when off duty we are very much homeless.” Red said. “We, or one of us, used to live in Merasmises mansion, but, the Racoons burned it down, so I killed and ate them all, then found work elsewhere.” Blue finished up, Red laughing at the shared memory. “And I have a feeling you also purposely pissed off the Demoman if this has anything to say about it.” I said while bringing out both of their folders. “No, I believe at that time Demoman was living off his saved wages in the mansion he built for his mother’s basement. Talking with that haunted sword of theirs.” “Ah.” I said. “Right then. So, about payment here considering you both are still mercenaries to a technical extent.” I said honestly. “We will accept no less or more the the god blessed american minimum wage of three dollars and thirty five cents.” Red said. “Alright soldier, just so you both know your literally forty years in the future.” I said. “Minimum wage went up to seven dollars and twenty five cents, and believe me...that isn’t a livable wage, hell it’s barely a wage considering everything’s price kept going up.” I said honestly. That extra information was lost on the two at they both just looked at one another when I said how much it was now. “Seven whole dollars!” Red said. “And twenty five cents!” Blue added. “We’ll be kings!” The two then proceed to dance their way happily out of the room. “Well...I mean it was the sixties so…” I muttered. “Next.” I called out. ”Wonder who else is here besides TF2…” I thought to myself. Who entered next where the Pyros, who just handed me papers with their Mann co terms of services, with some clear edits, Wage increases, better grade equipment. Pretty standard really. I took the papers, signed it and handed it back. “How are you enjoying your time in Equestria?” I asked, remembering the Pyro had the ‘Pyroland’ thing which was magical and candy colored. “Ehph, e huh heh hmm.” Blue said… whatever it was. The two took their papers, giving a thankful nod as they left. Do they ever take those suits off? “Right then...Next.” I called out. Next where the Scouts, who, to my surprise, walked in like they were in trouble rather than full of obnoxious self pride. “So, how are you two doing today?” I asked curiously. “And why do you two look like your in trouble?” I asked simply. “Well, you see there sire, uh, your highliness...er…” Blue started. Red, sighing, sucked whatever it was up, then spoke. “We are willing to work for less money than what Mann co gives, so long as our ma and siblings get a cut.” Red scout stated firmly. I looked at the two, but then gave a warm smile. “How much did Mann Co give you if I may ask?” I asked curiously. “Well typically it was a set wage per job for us.” Blue started. “Ranging from a few hundred to a few grand. We’d send ma and the bros back home about half, more if they needed it, and we’d keep the rest. Usually two hundred or five. Enough to save or get...what we thought was collectables…” “That turned out to be worthless…” Red finished. “I understand.” I said before grabbing a piece of paper and writing down a bunch of things. “So, besides money to help your family, need any housing for them? Including any new weapons or things for you two?” I asked curiously. “What, you kiddin?” Red asked, that iconic bravado showing on the two of them as he flexed. “Look at these guns? Give us sticks and we’ll make whoever you tell us to hurt as dead as...uh, well dead!” “Yeah!” Blue cheared. I chuckled before finishing up what I was writing and putting it down facing the two scouts. “There’s your contract, and to be honest, your arms may not be strong, but your heart is.” I said. “And if you read that it’ll tell you your pay, equipment, and new housing for your family if they so need.” I said honestly. The scouts began looking it over. “Woah! That’s a lot of zeros…” Red said. “Yeah, and look at this! With funding for guns that’s this big, our scatterguns can get one heck of an upgrade.” Blue added. “You're not the only one who talked about family.” I brought up. “Both the Heavy’s wanted first and foremost a new place for their family to call home, and you may not be as big as him but you’ve got the same big heart if the thing your asking for immediately is to help your family.” I nodded. “I respect that.” “Ah man, your embarrassing us.” Red said, a light red on his face, but the two held happy smiles. They waved goodbye. The next ones in where the last. Medics. Both arrived in their signature lab coats. “Dah, good to meet mine new employer.” Red said. “Yes.” Blue added. “It is good to meet you two.” I nodded. “How have your days been?” “Grand. Just grand.” Blue said, Red coughing. Not a cough, an ‘my turn’ cough as blue nodded, and took a step back. “I would like to get to the point of this meeting, if you don’t mind?” Red medic asked. “Sure.” I nodded. “But I have a feeling you want a bit more than just payment, what you want your Medical License?” “Nien, such a thing is a moral and legal leash.” Red said, clearing his throat. “We will take the same as what Mann Co payed, but, we would like our own laboratory, with a monthly budget of no less than fifty grand for gathering materials and items to improve out research.” “Understandable.” I nodded. “Sure, but just to get this across, even though you don’t have a medical license both of you are in the boundaries of my law.” I told them both. “So I better not be hearing you two kidnapping people and doing sick experiments on them alright?” “Relax, we don’t kidnap. Grave robbing organs maybe, occasionally, but no kidnapping.” I nodded. “Thank you. Just so we can get this whole thing across cause I don’t want to have you two back here not two days later because you both did many illegal things.” I said honestly. “You both may be clinically insane, but your not clinically stupid right?” “Good sire, if we were, would we have developed the Ubercharge? These medi guns are of our own design, blueprints kept and locked within our minds. We might make questionable actions but it’s always been for the betterment of the team, or others.” “That is why we are doctors.” Blue added. I smiled and nodded. “That’s good.” I said while writing down a bunch of things on a piece of paper and then handing it to them. “Here you go, materials, your budget, new housing if need be, and a few other things.” I said, the Medics seeing that they were getting a bit more than they originally hoped for with what I wrote down. “Dah, this is wonderful!” Red and Blue medic cheared. “Quickly mine copy, let’s go practice medicine.” Red said, the two laughing as they left. “Well...glad to have helped.” I said with a little. “Anyone else?” I asked, wondering if my council members found anyone else besides the TF2 mercs. Right then someone entered I did not expect… “Hi Ben!” Grandma said… wasn’t she traveling the multiverse or something? “Grandma? Didn’t you say you were going traveling back when I went to Bioshocks Earth?” I asked curiously, really happy to see Grandma here but just curious about why she came here. “Oh that , well I was then I got bored, joined a few dozen wars, won a few dozen wars. Next thing I know I’m asked to meet with you about a job.” She said matter-of-factly. “Sheesh, sounds like you had fun.” I chuckled a little. “Yup. So, a king now huh?” She asked. “Made quite the name for yourself.” “Yeah well...a lot of things happened.” I said sheepishly. “But yeah, I’m the King of Nothingness, got it after I mastered all my weapons and...well murdered the previous king because he wanted his peace.” I said honestly “Awh. Just like a Brothers Grimm book.” She said. “Well I guess i’ll make my way to the barracks.” She said. “Hold on there, I still need to talk about your pay, and your new home.” I said honestly. “Honey, I traveled the multiverse. I’ve raided tyrants and mined world made from diamonds and gold. I don’t need pay.” She said, leaving the room. I saw her leave, knowing she went traveling and fought so much but...I hope she’s still the same loving Grandma I remembered. “Oh dear…” I muttered. “Alright...is there anyone else?” I called, wondering who else I have to interview. Back in Boletaria, we headed back to the Nexus, where the Maiden in Black was waiting for us. “Thou art powerful slayers of demons.” She said. “But art thou ready to face the old one?” “I’m ready, are you ready?” I asked my companion. “As ready as I can be.” She said, gripping the handle of her sword tight. “Alright, then let’s get going.” I nodded, readying myself for the upcoming fight. The ethereal magic floor in the center of the nexus opened up. She took both out hands, and dragged us down the long drop. We came too on… a beach, a single sand island, surrounded by some water, and fog. “Well...alrighty then.” I said while wondering why we’re on a simple sand island when we were supposed to fight a demon. “Come out now, don’t be rude.” The maiden said, standing in the water looking out towards the fog. The whole ground began to rumble as a massive...wood creature, as if it’s body was made from sticks and strange crucifixes pierced it’s body all over, including massive swords. “Come now, don’t be mean.” She cooed, the massive creature stopping as it’s ‘mouth’ reached her feet. She then turned to us. “Come now, the old king rests within, as does the Old One.” “Um…” I blinked, looking a bit confused here. “I...have several questions…” “Ask away.” She said as we entered the...thing. The whole of it is all wood. Sticks and branches bound together like a ingrown tree. “Um...what is the Old One if this giant tree thing isn’t?” I asked honestly, thinking that this was supposed to be the Old One, given how it was basically a mangled abomination of nature. “The old one is in itself, the souls it has consumed, a collection of the pained lost life's demons have brought to it. The old one knows only hunger, and it’s stomach bottomless.” “So this things that one fat fuck in the corner of a party always scarfing down food and won’t leave no matter how hard you try?” I asked, finding that a decent way to explain this situation. “So...how do I kill it?” “The old one is part of the world, to kill it is to kill the world.” She said, as we reached a fog wall. “The king guards the old one. Defeat him, and meet with The Old One.” “Well...okay then.” I said honestly. “But...how the hell do I actually save this world then?” I asked. “Cause the more I listen the more I’m thinking this is just a giant wooden tick.” Betty entered first, and then I did… the king was… a grotesque, slug like creature, flopping around in a shallow pool of water. “Fools. You should not have come here…” It spoke. “That’s what they all say.” I said honestly. “So, are you an actual fight or are you basically just a weak slug that can’t fight anymore because of time and other things?” “I will fight, and win.” He said, just...flopping. “He’s so far gone… he can’t even see what he has become.” Betty said. “Well...it would be a mercy to put him down at the moment.” I said while drawing Sharpshooters. I opened fire, shooting the old man full of arrows. “No! You fool! Mankind's existence is a joke. Death is mercy!’ Where his last words as he died, one of those special swords dropping from his corpse. Soulbrandt. “Well...that explains where this was.” I muttered while walking over and taking the sword. “But yeah, Death is a Mercy, but it’s also the cheap way out if you can’t handle it.” We passed the next fog wall… the old one… and the last card of Jenny’s memories… I took the card but the old one...that light… it’s… the worlds heart?! “Thou hast done thine job.” The maiden said, walking passed us, dropping her staff. “The Nexus bind all thee no longer. I shall lul the old one back to slumber.” She said, standing before it and...singing...softly. I took out my Keyblade and raising it up. “This...will actually be the first time I do this…” I muttered, seeing the light at the tip of my keyblade swirl with light and give a small flash, the sound of something locking filled the area but it was in a way that made it suitable for the singing. The old one glowed brightly, roots sprouting up around it and a Keyhole shape enclosed it. The light faded, and the job was done. “Makes you wonder which is the real demon.” I spun around… Kexez. “A world with it’s light in total control… and look what happened. This is why they locked up the hearts of worlds, after all.” “Are you feeling less insane at the moment?” I asked. “Drezke and Lake are both alive and okay...but yeah, you can’t have one or the other and expect things to be alright.” “Even with them both joined with me, our soul is still missing. Or rather, inhabiting another. I’d be in control...with X, now isn’t that a nightmare?” “So you're still not in control of yourself?” I asked. “Your still under the effects of Psychopath blood?” I asked, hating that it wasn’t done yet. “Since when is anything that easy?” He asked, tilting his head. “It would be nice if things were easy for once.” I groaned. “So anyways, why are you here if I may ask?” “Congratulating. I’m evil, not impolite.” He said, tossing me a pocket watch. I grabbed it. “What’s the watch for?” I asked, checking it over to see what’s special about it. “It’s a timer. You see, every so many years the realms are all on the same time, same day. For 24 hours. This day is the anniversary of the first Keyblade war. That watch counts down to when that day comes, and the second war begins.” “So how long is it?” I asked, looking at the actual timer to see if it’s an old pocket watch or if it’s a newer thing that can tell the year, months, day and time. I pressed the button, and it had several circles, each counting down. Starting from three years… The seconds counter was spinning, making the minutes turn, and so on. “Three years? Well that’s a relief.” I said honestly. “And here I thought it was going to be next month. Thanks for the heads up and practically all the time in the world.” I said, knowing he probably did this to screw with me in some way. “Yes but time flies when life goes on. How much do you think there will be when you look down at it and see you have only an hour.” He said, laughing as he vanished into a DTD. “Apparently he’s never watched enough anime.” I said with a frown. “And hey, I have clones so there’s a that.” I muttered. “Shit...I forgot to ask him about where the other parts of Jenny’s memories are. He did say her memories are on different worlds…” I muttered, looking at all the cards I gained from this world. I wonder what memories of hers they hold? “So, see you around?” Betty asked. “Got anywhere specific you want to go?” I asked curiously. “I’ll stick around here for a while, then warp out.” She said, exiting the giant wooden shell. I opened a DTN, and headed back to where Jenny was, here at Castle Oblivion. “Finally.” She groaned. “Only took you forever…” “Sorry.” I said while bringing out the cards. “But...you know, having to fight for these can take their time.” The cards flew out of my hands, each one jabbing itself back into Jenny. For a while, she sat slumped, her body glowing as her actual age was returned. She then woke up, yawning. “Shit I’m tired… Hey dad.” Jenny said. Thank god she remembers me. “Why...are we in Castle Oblivion?” “Remember Kexez?” I asked. “Yeah he took away your memories so...we have to be here for the cards.” “Oh...well shit. I mean, I feel okay now...am I missing any memories?” She asked. “I don’t know...do you remember everything?” I asked. “Any holes where your memories should be?” “I… don’t think so. Birth mom was a bitch. We first met when I tried to kill you. My mom is Gilda. Grandma has six tits… I don’t think I’m missing anything.” I nodded. “That’s good.” I said. “Well, want to go home and see the others?” “Yup. I feel like I haven’t slept in my own bed or even seen the girls in years.” She said, walking into the DTN. “So, did I miss anything?” “Um…” I started as when we walked through the portal we appeared near the house, and Jenny could see Canterlot Castle turned into a more Nobody themed castle as well as there being...pure white sky above my castle. “Yeah, I became King recently.” “Wow...I am so behind.” To be continued...