"Come on, keep up you useless old fossil! Princess Twilight and her Flunkies Of Friendship could be on our tails any millisecond... and you think you have the time to stop for a nice coughing fit?! What part of 'on the run from the law' don't you understand, thicko?"
" I-In case... gasp... y-you hadn't noticed... wheeze... I-I'm not quite as limber... phew.... a-as I used to be. N-Neither am I currently... deep intake of breath... in the best condition, compared to my glory days..."
"You can say that again! When I started writing letters to 'The Great Lord Tirek' in solitary confinement, I thought I was talking to some diabolical criminal mastermind, not some washed-up asthmatic relic! I must say, seeing you in the pony after so much undeserved hype was almost as much of a disappointment as the ease in which those pathetic imbeciles managed to foil my brilliant scheme! Grr, just thinking about it now makes me want to... I'll show them 'mentally imbalanced, possibly psychotic!' "
"E-Er, if you really feel that way Ms Glow, we could always go back to Tartarus and pick out a more 'worthy' companion to accompany you on your travels. These ancient bones aren't designed for long distance hauls, and without my magic, I fear I'd be more of a hindrance than a help. I can help you choose a far better replacement if you like: I think Cockatrice has been looking to stretch his legs for a while now..."
"That blithering buzzard? No chance! One accidental side-glance in a mirror, and he's history! I couldn't afford the bird seed fees anyway, whereas looking after you would be much cheaper and in my long term interests. You absorb magic, remember? Which also gives you the benefit of growing super-tall, and speaking with a far more intimidating voice than the weaselly whine I'm hearing right now. Double bonus! All we need is to get you hooked up with some super powerful sorcerer-types, and you'll soon be back to your old hideous self! Auntie Cozy swears by it! Scout's honour!"
"Since when were you in the... you know what, never mind. Fine, fine. Let's just get out of this general area and away from scrutiny, before we make any other plans. I just have to say one thing though: You might want to heed the advice of someone who was trying to take over Equestria when your great-great-great grandmother wasn't even in the foetal stage! For example, if we'd bothered to stop for my inhaler like I specifically asked, I wouldn't be on the brink of total collapse as I am right now!"
giggles "Oh Tirek, you silly goose! I grabbed your inhaler myself, along with a few other essential items I thought we might need, just before the alarm started ringing as we made our mad dash out of the front gate! Or hobble, in your case. Didn't you see me go to the place where all our personal items were kept, smash the lock and fill up this saddlebag I'm carrying with goodies? It must've been when you temporarily passed out, when you ran into that wall after you thought Cerberus was waking up. Haven't you ever heard of doggies turning over in their sleep? You really are a jumpy one, aintcha?"chuckles
grinds teeth "Well, you'd be as well if you thought you were on the verge of being mauled by a three headed monster! You didn't have to kick me in the stomach repeatedly to rouse me from unconsciousness, either! A simple bucket of water splashed over my face would've done the trick! But, I'm guessing you knew that already! You were just having your evil fun weren't you, you sadistic little..."
"Watch your next few words very carefully, Mr Tirek. After all, it would be a real shame if my hoof happened to slip and you were to lose your tongue. Who would I have to talk to then, during the long journey ahead? Chatting with oneself can be amusing for a while I suppose, but it does get awfully boring awfully quickly. After all, we have too much in common."
"Y-You dare to make threats... against me? Why, I've been known to incinerate ponies for far less than what you just said! I swear, If I still had all my full power and this were a different era, I'd..."
"Well, hate to be the bearer of bad news good sir, but it isn't and you don't. In fact, you're going to need my help in regaining any semblance of your old self back, so maybe it's time we saw a bit less arguing and a bit more cooperation, dontcha think? Shall we get going? Or, do you want me to change your diapers too?"
"Grr. Fine, I'll play along for now... but don't expect me to tow the line forever, especially when it's only the likes of a deranged pegasus filly holding me down. That, and my chequered history of betraying others should tell you that this current partnership is probably going to be a very short-lived one indeed."
"That's the spirit! And as regards your lack of loyalty to the cause, well I can totally get that. After all, I had everypony at school convinced I was a model student and stand-up assistant to the headmare, until I took over the joint in her absence! You should've seen the looks on their faces when they discovered the truth, that an 'innocent' child had outsmarted them all! I wish I'd had a camera! Anyway, enough reminiscing about the failures in our past, it's time we looked forward to our triumphant future! And if you're a very good boy, I might even let you have your inhaler back soon! Just remember to say please... and smile like you mean it!" cackles
Damn it. I never had this kind of trouble with Scorpan, or even Discord. You just wait, 'Cozy Glow', one of these days you'll let your guard slip and I'll make you eat every single one of those unkind...
"Well Mr Tirek, what are you waiting for? A piggy-back ride? Let's go before that huge-ish search party I just sighted from the air to the west have the foresight to check in this direction. Onward, and upward!"
"U-Ulp! Yes dea... I mean, Cozy Glow!"