//------------------------------// // 2: Preparing the Funeral // Story: The Bucket List of Princess Celestia // by CrackedInkWell //------------------------------// For Celestia, this wasn’t the first time she had to plan out a funeral. Over the years, she had held them for respected members of the nobility, the officers of the Royal Guard, and the occasion state funeral when the nation mourns over a hero or a great influential pony. Of course, it was different this time around as she was preparing for her own funeral. The decision of where to hold it was already taken – in the same ceremony room that Cadence and Shining were married in – along with Twilight’s coronation. It had plenty of space for those that had been important in her life with room enough to fill out the mourners that she didn’t know. Next came to the decorations. Admittingly, she didn’t exactly know what she’s should look like. “I don’t know if I want the whole thing to be drenched in black,” Celestia confessed as she and her sister were in the royal carriage through Canterlot. “The last thing I want is to go out in a room that is downright depressing.” Luna chuckled. “Or perhaps you could have it set up as something off of a horror film where there are cobwebs everywhere, bleeding candles, and you in your coffin in which you pop out to yell ‘Boo!’ every time somepony gets too close.” Her sister giggled. “As amusing that idea is, I don’t think it would be of good taste with the public. It should be something that… shouldn’t give any negative impressions.” “Negative impressions?” Luna cocked an eyebrow. “Do you hear yourself speaking? You’re talking about ponies coming to see you in a coffin, I highly doubt that they’re going to sugarcoat the fact that you’ve…” She trailed off, in which she felt her sister’s wing around her. “Oh, I know. But I just can’t go knowing that my funeral is going to leave a bad taste in ponies’ mouths. It must be elegant but comforting. Respectful, but gives reassurance that I left this world happily.” “It’s almost like you’re planning for a wedding than your own funeral.” She was immediately face to face with a wide-eyed Celestia. “Lu, you’re a genius! That’s what I’ll do! I’ll make it look like a wedding! It’ll be bright with spring flowers, something like a garden. There would be white candles, with white fabrics draping from the ceiling, a string quartet to play Moztrot, and there, on the platform is the casket with me in a simple but elegant wedding gown.” “Do you want me to toss somepony as your representative spouse in the box too before they close it off for good?” Luna jokes. Celestia frowned. “Well I wouldn’t go that far. But the whole bright garden theme is something worthy of my own funeral. Of course, there’s other things to consider such as what the Wake will be like.” The carriage pulled up to their first destination. Being one of the oldest institutions in Canterlot, the Coffin Nail and Sons is the only store in the city that sells caskets and urns to all parts of society. A grim, but necessary family business that has been designing, building and selling coffins to families for a reasonable price. The two Princesses got off the carriage and into the dreary shop that had tall walls with rows of empty caskets from wooden to metal. There were some that were made out of glass while others were chiseled out of solid stone. “Good morning, Your Majesties,” a dry voice said from behind a wooden counter from the other end of the shop. Behind it in a pitch-black tuxedo was a pale stallion that looked like he could use a few pounds on his bones. He had on a pair of spectacles that set firmly on the edge of his nose with a greased back mane that was plastered to his skull. The near skeletal stallion sat there waiting, his forehooves rested on the counter. “Did you come to buy today?” “As a matter of fact, I am,” Celestia said, putting up a good face as she approached the stallion that looked like death incarnate. “I’m here to choose a coffin.” The stallion solemnly nodded. “Ah, I see.” He got up from the counter and before disappearing behind a black curtain, he said, “I’ll fetch the catalog then.” Alone in the shop, Luna turned to her sister. “Do you know him?” “He’s more of an acquaintance, on the account of the other funerals I had to prepare for over the years. He may appear serious, but once you get to know him a little, he has a unique sense of humor.” “Does he have a name.” “Mass.” Luna blinked. “That’s a rather misleading name.” “It’s short for Mass Grave… What?” Her younger sister stared at her. “Should I be concerned?” “No need. He’s nice.” “Sometimes I worry about you.” The stallion returned with a thick book in which he placed it on the counter. “If I may ask, has there been a recent death that I’m not aware of.” Luna watched her sister as she stood awkwardly. “Well… Not exactly a recent death, per se. Rather, I know that I’m going to need a coffin because someone is about to die.” “I see.” Mass Grave gave an understood nod. “And who is about to pass away?” Celestia bit the inside of her cheek. “Well… That’s the thing…” She rubbed the back of her neck. “That would uh… be me.” The coffin maker blinked. “I beg your pardon?” “The truth is Mass, I’m about to die very soon and I’m getting ready for my funeral so I’m here to pick out my coffin.” There was an awkward silence. The stallion behind the counter looked between her and Luna. “Is this a joke?” “I dearly wish it was.” Luna lied. “But we found out that my poor dear sister’s days are numbered and will be need of a final resting place for her body. I know this may seem strange, but there’s no denying that she is about to…” She trailed off, lowering her head towards the floor. “Yes,” Celestia said. “I was hoping if I could get a request to custom build a coffin that would fit… well… me in it. Something that would in a way reflect who I was in life, so to speak. Perhaps something elegant but cheerful the same time. “Now, let’s see what you have.” Celestia stepped up to the counter in which she picked up the catalog book, murmuring to herself. “Hmm… Too black… Too depressing… Too see-through… Too gaudy… Too flamboyant… Not flamboyant enough… No… No… Defiantly not… No… No… No… Too woody… Too metallic… Too gothic…” Page after page, she flipped through the pictures of different types of coffins that none of them really caught her eye. There were expensive shiny ones, glass ones, even simple wooden ones as well, but none of them seemed to jump out – except for one. “Hold on…” Celestia paused, holding a particular page up to her face. Luna saw her sister grin widely, giggling. “I think I got it.” She showed the picture to Mass Grave. “This is it.” The stallion had to do a triple take. “Are you… Why…” He looked up at her. “Your Highness, I thought that you would prefer something more uh… regal.” “On the contrary,” Celestia replied, her smile still hadn’t fluttered away, “this would be perfect.” Curious, Luna peeked over into the catalog in which she couldn’t believe what she was seeing herself. “How is it that I’m considered the crazy one whereas you want to be buried in a casket in the shape of a banana?” “It’s perfect!” Her elder sister said giddily. “Not only would it give everypony a surprise, but it’s fitting to me in many ways. For one, the banana was once considered a status symbol when I had them imported to Equestria. Not only that, it would be perfect to get a chuckle out of my mourners – because I don’t want ponies to cry for me, but I want them to remember that I had a sense of humor and was willing to laugh, even at myself.” “Why do I have the feeling that you’re trying to turn your own funeral into a comedy show?” Luna questioned. Mass coughed into his hoof to get their attention. “If you are serious about getting this… particular brand, there are other details to go into such as what sort of padding to have inside.” “Oh, that’s easy,” Celestia said. “Make sure it’s all nice, fluffy and white, like the inside of a banana.” “Ah…” Mass paused another moment before flipping open the catalog book. “Well… it wouldn’t be the strangest request I’ve gotten from a client. Why last week a family came in which their departed father specifically requested to be buried in a cardboard box. Of course, I would have to get your measurements, but after that, I would need details about the materials and specific characteristics of your… unique sarcophagus.” Luna rolled her eyes before commenting, “Frankly I’m surprised you didn’t decide to be buried in a coffin that’s in the shape of a cake.” “Ooh! That’s a fantastic idea.” Her sister said happily. The Night Princess couldn’t figure out if she should facehoof, or roll on the floor laughing that she was taking this seriously. “…. The family mausoleum is expanding a new wing for space for you.” Celestia’s part secretary and part adviser, Raven said as she read off the scroll to her. “I’ve also sent out an assignment to the castle gardeners to narrow down the best floors and flora to be decorated for the funeral. The invitations have been organized and are about to be sent out upon your request.” Celestia nodded as she sipped her cup of tea in her private study. The pungent Saddle Arabian Spice tea perfumed the small room while Raven read out the report about the updates of her funeral. “And what of the chefs?” Celestia asked the unicorn. “Has anypony given them the instructions I set out?” “Indeed, they have.” She said before looking at a ticking clock nearby. “If all goes according to plan, they should have some test platters up here any-” She was interrupted with a knock on the door. Raven went over to open it, letting in a cart with a series of small silver domes into the small space. “Thank you, that’ll be all.” The pony who wheeled the cart in bowed before exiting the room in which the door was closed behind. Celestia watched Raven light up her horn to carry the silver dome trays over to her desk. Once they were all on, the domes were lifted where she saw her personal secretary gasped. The Solar Princess asked what was wrong. “Pardon me for being so blunt, Your Highness, but how are you not offended by this?” She looked out to the jokingly macabre spread on her desk. From the coffin-shaped sandwiches to the small tombstone cake, every possibility of the meal served for her own wake suggested of death in a playful way from the sugar skull to the soup that has bone-shaped dumplings. Much to Raven’s confusion, Celestia smiled at these. “Not in the slightest, if anything, I think these are rather creative. Why are you offended?” At first, Raven struggled to find the words until she finally spoke up. “My Princess, the whole idea of a wake is for your family, friends and fellow subjects to console one another in such a gloomy time. I mean, just the idea that you approve these would make it look like you’re taking your own death lightly. This is something that should be taken seriously.” Celestia frowned. “Raven, I am taking this seriously. I know that I don’t have much time to live, but if I’m going to have this funeral, I wanted for ponies to remember me not as how they see me, but for who I was this whole time. Not just for my sense of humor, but for the fact that I did everything I could to be a sort of mother figure for the nation. If I had a child, I don’t want them to go on grieving for the rest of their lives, but to tell them that even without me, everything is going to be alright. That they should take it with grace, humility, and a good dose of humor. Does that make sense.” “I…” Raven sighed. “I understand, Your Majesty.” Lifting up the scroll again, she added: “Of course, there’s the subject of who will be delivering the eulogy. Who do you have in mind to-” “No one.” Her secretary blinked. “Excuse me?” “At my funeral, I’m not going to allow anyone to speak for me. In my experience, when it comes to death and the Royal Family, I tend to notice that whenever anypony speaks their eulogy, they tend to speak from a biased point of view in which they say that they were the greatest pony who ever lived, only to later find out that they left out a few – if not condemning details. Especially for those from Blueblood’s ancestors, the eulogy is more of an alibi. So for this, I request that I will not allow anyone to speak at my funeral.” “But you must have someone do so on your behalf.” “Indeed.” Celestia lit her horn in which, out from a drawer in her desk, a crystal ball floated up. “I’m going to record my own eulogy that should be played after everyone settles down to listen.” She then took out a script from the other drawer. “If you don’t mind Raven, I’d like to have some time to myself to say my parting words.” Raven bowed. “I understand, Your Highness.” After she removed the dishes from her desk, she wheeled the cart out of the Princess’s study in which Celestia was left alone. After locking the door and soundproofing the study, the Sun Princess looked over her lines one last time before taking a calming breath to light up the crystal ball in her aura. “Hello, my little ponies,” she said with a smile and a wave, “I’m dead! I know that you can see me in the casket over there, but I figured that now would be the time to say a few words that I’d like to say. “To begin with, I’d like to speak with my family first. “For my sister, Princess Luna, I want you to know that I still love you. That I place my trust in you to lead Equestria into a prosperous and peaceful future. While I know that this is indeed a major responsibility to take up the centuries-old responsibility, just remember that you do have friends and family that are here to help you whenever things become too much. Don’t let the challenges that you face discourage you as I have faith that you will become a great leader of Equestria. I have seen how you have changed since your return, for you have become better than Nightmare Moon ever was. Never forget, that I still have forgiven you for that incident, and you have come a long way since those dark days. “With that being said, however, I’m still upset over your last prank with putting laxatives into my cake. I mean, seriously sis, right when I was setting a dispute in Day Court that I had to practically fly out of the throne room screaming for a toilet. By our mother, Lu! I was in there for so long that I wondered why I haven’t reached the end of the universe. Of course, I did manage to get you back by making all your things in your chambers disappear. So, since I’m dead at this point, your comic collection is underneath a false floor in the music room. Hopefully we can put this prank war behind us and finally let our little grudges go.” After clearing her throat, she continued. “For Prince Blueblood, I will give credit where credit is due and thank you for your contributions to international relationships. While it would be nice to have you in Canterlot a little more often, I can understand the time-consuming responsibilities that you have to take up in order for Equestria and her allies to continue in friendly talks, trade, and exchange of ideas between us. “At the same time, however…” She sighed, “I’m not going to sugar-coat this: nephew of mine, I know that you’re gay. And before you start panicking that I knew this for quite some time now, I want you to know that I don’t care who you find attractive. If anything, I would still love and support you all the same. However, even though I’ve decided a long time ago to let you come out on your own terms, it is a little disappointing that I should be the one that has to say it. I will say that I am a little irritated that you have to tap-dance around the subject when I know for a fact that your idea for a ‘guys night’ involves twenty to thirty of your own guards with a few bottles of olive oil. Really Bluey, did you think that you were trying to convince me that you were in a cooking club with that much oil? I didn’t want to bring this up to save you the embarrassment, but when you are still in the closet and haven’t had the decency to be honest with me, that’s where I have a problem with it. This is getting ridiculous and you ought to have the courtesy to let those long line of mares know you weren’t interested in them. “For Princess Cadence and Shining Armor. I have said this once and I will say it again. You two blew me away with how you are able to take care of the Crystal Empire. Cadence, I am still proud of the mare that has gone above and beyond with the duties of a Princess – your love for your family, friends, and subjects are and will be an inspiration for generations to come. Shining, your loyalty, and dedication, even in the most difficult of situations is admirable. I know that, even without me, you two will still go on being a force for love, acceptance, and honor in which you will leave a legacy for the kingdom that you govern. “For Flurry Heart, if you are seeing this at a later date, I have a piece of advice for you: be patient with your parents. Just remember, no parent in the world is perfect, if anything, and to be frank with you: they’re idiots – but they’re trying. They really are. Just remember that Cadence and Shining are, deep down, ponies too, they have their own doubts, fears and hopes that may not make them perfect – but equine like yourself. Just remember that they’re not mind readers (trust me, if they really are, you won’t be having any disagreements). For they’re simply guessing what’s going on and how they can help. And trust me, I have enough experience being around families to know to remind both parents and children that they are trying to help the other find happiness.” After popping a glass of water into existence and taking a drink from it, she continued. “For my friend, Princess Twilight Sparkle, and Spike. I am proud of both of you. I have seen you two grow and develop over the years, your skills, your knowledge, bravery, and sacrifice have become legendary throughout Equestria. The friendships you’ve forged will last beyond time itself. The dedication to learning and teach others what you’ve learned is inspiring to those who come in contact with the tales about you and your friends. “For Discord, if you are here or hearing this, I just want to let you know something. Am I still annoyed that whenever you come unannounced that your idea of saying hello is to change the castle into blue cheese? Yes. Am I peeved that you tricked me into tasting your carbonated urine? Absolutely. Am I still angry at all of that and your betrayal by advancing Tirek to suck all the magic in Equestria… Discord, I’ve already forgiven you. Everything you’ve done, while I can be annoyed or peeved, I never hated you for any of it. Believe it or not, I don’t want to hate you, or anyone. Because I see hatred as something that is too easy to do. Anypony can hate, but it is harder and nobler to forgive. I will say this again, even after all you’ve done, I forgive you. “For Star Swirl, while I’m glad that you’ve returned, I will miss you. Even when mother wasn’t around, and you taught us everything you knew about magic – I considered you someone who was as close to a father that we had. Maybe not by blood, but our bond of how you concerned about our well-being and letting us know that my sister and I are capable of doing hard things, is a lesson that we’ll always value. But with that being said, that one essay I said a dragon ate it – I lied. At the time, I wanted to play then write a one-page essay on magic theory. So… Sorry about that.” After taking another drink of water, she concluded. “To every subject within Equestria’s borders, while I may be gone, just remember that a country isn’t judged by the leaders who are placed in the responsibility to rule, but the way its subjects show their politeness. This simple idea defines us in how we treat not only our fellow ponies, but other creatures as well. Because the way we treat them will say a lot about the character that you show. If there is anything, that I say to all of you as my parting words, it is this: Never be cruel or cowardly, even when it is easy to do so. Remember that hatred is an easy, foolish choice, while love is a more difficult but wise path. Always try to be nice, but never fail to be kind. And also, even when you think you know everything, always be open to when new lessons come along to make you a better being than what you were before. “So… I have spoken long enough. It’s about time I head to the grave. Maybe one day, if we’re lucky, I’ll be there to greet each and every one of you. But for now, it is getting late, and it is time for me to go to bed. Goodbye, and joy is to you all.” Thus, Celestia lit her horn once again to turn the light in the crystal ball off. With a sigh, she said to herself, “Well… That’s one priority down...”