//------------------------------// // Chapter 9: Some Other Shit I Guess // Story: Papers, Ponies, and Attitude // by Yellowtail //------------------------------// That night, Whiskey and I talked a lot. She told me the origins of her bar’s name. It was actually illegally named that. A pony suggested the name should be Whiskey’s Hay. Whiskey basically told that pony, ‘no that’s fucktarded’. Instead of changing it, like he was paid to, he kept it. The original name was Whiskey’s Bay. I asked her if she’d keep it, and she responded with a firm ‘Hell no.’ Oh, and I also found out her name isn’t actually Whiskey, it’s Whisk. Someone just thought Whisk was short for Whiskey. Figuring she’d like Whisk better, I started calling her that. A couple months have passed since that night. It’s about to be the beginning of October. Bacon and his family moved back to Griffonstone. Turns out, the mailing system was screwed up in January because a griffon named Gabby was missing for a couple days. She had some vacations days, and the vacation days she asked to take were denied for some bullshit reason. So, Gabby took the days anyway. Then, turns out that Derpy’s route was incorrect. Someone had mixed them up. At first, Derpy was suspected to have just mixed them up by herself on accident, but it turns out that some idiot forgot Derpy’s name. I don’t really know what all else happened, but I tried to just keep out when the court of law stepped in. Whisk is still here, and we still hang out. I invite her to poker night every now and then. She has grown to be very comfortable with me. Though, when I saw her apartment, I was horrified. Dishes everywhere, pile of take-out wrappers in a corner, and a surprising amount of socks everywhere. Apparently, she likes wearing socks. Purple socks specifically. I asked why, and she just shrugged and said they were comfy. As the time passed, the yaks unaminously decided that I was the backup ambassador if Pinkie was busy. Twilight and I have a slightly improved relationship, but I still call her Bitchface. Celestia’s managed to crack down on that creepy as fuck stalker. Luna and I still go to the bar every now and then. Applejack’s told me about her adventures with her friends. I am happy to say, that I am no longer mixed up with other people’s bullshit for the last nine to ten months. Nothing else has changed much, other than Whisk’s bar’s name. Oh yeah, the gluten free cupcakes idea was thrown out, and now we give a piece of gum. I don’t have to give it to them now, a machine allows them to if they want to. Oh yeah, there were some racist assholes I met. But now, I’m back to normality. Currently, it’s October 30. I’m walking to my job at the Checkpoint, with a coffee in hand. I look at my watch to see I’m actually really early for once. About, half an hour early too. I look around as I walk to the Checkpoint. It’s a little dark, making the scene look a little creepy to say the least. Spider webs and pumpkins are set up at various windows and doorsteps of the buildings near the Checkpoint. I suppose the holiday spooks is appreciated by many newcomers. I notice Spearhead and Segway talking to each other as I walk up. “I’m tellin’ ya, just give him a couple more weeks, he’ll say you-“ “No! He refuses to call me Sergui! He acts like he misheard me, but I know he knows my name!” Segway says. I do know his name’s Sergui, but it’s funny to see him get all pissy about it sometimes. “Yo! How’s life?” I ask. Segway huffs, and Spearhead looks at me and snickers. “Heheh, Anon, boss wants to talk to us,” he says. I frown. There goes my good mood. “What does the pint of anger want? Is it about the gluten free cookie? I already told her the gluten-free cookie idea was shit-“ “Apparently it’s serious,” he interrupts. Segway nods in confirmation. I quirk an eyebrow. What could be so serious? With me in tow, Spearhead leads Segway and I to a building next to the Checkpoint that’s a little ways away from my office. My boss’ building. We rarely go here, and when we do, it’s for some bullshit meeting we started doing since March. Apparently, there was supposed to be some check up meeting or something to keep the more important employees in check. We walk in to see the reception room is still empty, aside from Lucky’s secretary, Shoeside. Shoeside is a weird dude. He’s basically like a organic computer. He can copy anything, memorize schedules, and makes the best damn coffee for Lucky. He kind of has a crush on Lucky, but she gave him such a cold fucking shoulder, that it would freeze you if you saw it. He still tries though, since I accidentally made Lucky’s first boyfriend break up with her. It wasn’t my fault he’s a dick, he just pushed the wrong button when he assumed I’d do anything for Lucky. Lucky was pissed, she even tried to strangle me. Sadly, her tiny hooves couldn’t grip around my neck properly, thus she was practically just giving me a bear hug. Anyway, we walk through a door on the left that leads to a hallway, and we all notice a certain, unpleasant feeling in the air. Dread. I haven’t dealt with that in forever. We cautiously enter Lucky’s office, to find her behind a desk with a pile of paper. Her desk is a dark brown oak, with a nice little lamp for her to see her work at night. It’s doing jack shit since the sun’s up enough to shine light through the windows. She sits on a swivel seat of her own, though it’s boosted up a little due to her height. She’s writing down signatures and reports, barely paying any attention to her surroundings. I clear my throat, gaining her attention. She sighs at the sight of us. “Anon, Spearhead, Sergui, come in please,” she says. I smirk. “I see what you did there,” I comment. She looks at me with confusion as I walk in, but shakes her head. “No, Anon, this is serious,” she says. I quirk an eyebrow as the two guards walk in. “What could be so serious?” I ask. Lucky sighs again, genuinely looking a little sad. “... I’m leaving the Checkpoint.” All of our eyes widen as stunned silence fills the room. “... What?” Spearhead asks. Lucky looks at us. “I’m leaving the Checkpoint. I’m being transferred to Canterlot,” she says, a weak smile on her face. Well, that’s technically good news. This means she’ll be paid more, and that she’s much more reliable then whatever is controlling Canterlot’s Checkpoint already. Spearhead and Sergui smile widely. “Really! Canterlot Checkpoint! That’s wonderful!” Sergui says. “Yeah! You’ll be living the highlife with the rich snobs of Equestria!” Spearhead says. I snicker, but I frown once again as I realize something. Apparently, Spearhead and Sergui realize it too, as they suddenly frown as well. “.... But you’ll be leaving,” I say. Lucky sniffs, and nods. “Yes, I’m still leaving. I... I honestly always dreamed of this. I’ll be in Canterlot with a new house, and I’ll have a bigger income. I just... I realize that I’ll miss you guys,” she says, slumping a little. I shake my head. “Wait, why us? We’re just guards,” Spearhead states. Lucky rolls her eyes. “You two actually have a bucking personality,” she points out. We all laugh a little, before falling back into a somber silence. “... So, when you get into the carriage for Canterlot, will they give you a booster seat?” I ask, smiling like an idiot. Lucky takes a deep breath in, and a deep breath out. “Anon, as much as I don’t like saying this, I’ll miss you. Just a little. I hate your size jokes, but I think I’ll miss that later.” “Wait really? I thought you hated me,” I say. Segway looks at me in confusion. “Why would she-“ “I detained her first ever coltfriend. Well, now ex-coltfriend due to that little fiasco,” I say. Lucky takes another deep breath in, and a breath out. “While he was my coltfriend, I found out that he did a little bit of illegal business when I’m not looking. He sold drugs and took drugs. So, in the end, it worked out. That’s the only reason I haven’t been wringing Anon’s neck,” she says. I shrug. “Also, your arms are too little to-“ “If you finish that sentence, I will personally toss you out the window,” Lucky cuts in. I smirk. “How?” I ask. She points to her horn. I roll my eyes. “Damn overpowered pony magic.” “Anyway, I will be leaving the Checkpoint in a week. Please, for the love of Celestia, don’t Make this week a crappy week,” she says, exhaustion managing to creep into her voice. I give a half assed salute while the other two guards give full salutes. We leave the room, and I frown, I’d never say this to her face, but I’ll miss that angry tater tot. It’s about noon, and I haven’t met too many strange entrants. Except for now. I’m dealing with an idiot pony. “Just because you painted stripes on yourself, does not make you a zebra!” I yell. The pony in question, is a white pony with wonky stripes painted on her. “I am a zebra! I have stripes! Don’t undermine what I am because of my body!” She yells back. I face palm and sigh. “Look, I’ll have to detain you if-“ “You racist bastard!” She yells, I sigh and get my walkie talkie. “This is CPI, we have a fucking idiot who’s impersonating a zebra,” I say. Moments later, Segway walks in and looks at the pony. He looks at me, confusion in his eyes. “She is a zebra,” he says with a puzzled tone. I groan, and lean to the door. “Spearhead!” I yell. Seconds later, Spearhead walks in. “What’s wrong?” He asks. “This idgit can’t see that she’s a pony,” I say. Spearhead looks at the pony. He looks back to me, confused as well. “But, she’s a zebra,” he says. “Oh god fucking damn it,” I say, face palming. “Can’t you see the paint that’s literally dripping off her,” I strain. Both the guards look at the pony closely. Spearhead grabs his walkie talkie with his hoof and leans towards it. “Hey boss? Can you come over?” He asks. Segway shakes his head. “Well, zebras have to get their stripes somehow,” he speculates, looking at me square in the fucking eyes with his bullshit. The pony looks at him with offense. “Zebras are fucking born with stripes!” I yell, raising my arms in the air. “Yeah!” The mare agrees. Segway tenses up, but tries to protest. “W-well how would you know?” He asks. “My friend Zecora, is a zebra!” I say. He rubs his chin with his hoof before Spearhead speaks. “How do you know she’s a zebra?” He asks, as if it was a philosophical question. It’s at this moment I remember that they’re guards. Equestria’s guards are the stupidest ones. “Alright, what is so bad you had to call me in here?” Lucky asks, stepping in. She sees the pony with paint, and groans deeply. “Let me guess, idiocy?” She asks, looking at me. I nod. “Hold up,” she says. She walks out. After a moment, she walks back in with a bucket. She lunges the bucket forward, drenching the pony in water. As expected, the pony’s paint was washed off, revealing a white pony, with a look of horror on her face. “Now, without further ado,” I say, gesturing to the now angry guards. “DETAINED!!!” Both guards said at the same time, grabbing the mare with one arm each. They walk out, and Lucky sighs. “Idiots,” she says, trotting out. The door closes, and I sigh. I really don’t want to have to deal with idiots. I lean towards the mic. “Next!” I yell. A familiar coated griffon walks in. Featherbird. “Ah! My human friend! It is nice to see you! Are you doing well?” He asks. I quirk an unamused eyebrow. “You sure talk a lot now,” I say. He chuckles. “Indeed. I find it amusing how blunt you are,” he says. I roll my eyes. “Oh, and thank you for showing mercy to my nephew, he has managed to gain the forgiveness of his fellow griffons once he showed he had learned. He’s now managing various diplomatic meetings as we speak!” The excitement in the griffon’s voice is very hard to miss. I nod. “No problem. Papers please,” I say. He hands me his papers and I check them. After giving him a green stamp, he passes. I lean towards the mic, “Next!” The next entrant is Zecora. I smile as I see her. “Zecora! What’s up?” I greet. She smiles, walking up. “Oh you know, just... zebra things...” I slowly frown. I lean towards my walkie talkie. “This is CPI, we have a changeling impersonator.” The changeling reverts to his original form, wearing an unamused expression. It’s the red dude again. “Again? Didn’t I shoot your ass?” I ask. He sighs. “I have business in Equestria that’s urgent.” “Then, get a fucking passport you fucking idiot.” “But I’ll need a workers pass.” “Dude, the price for paper work is lower. The griffons complained that most of them couldn’t pay for it. Thus, now it’s like, five bits,” I say. His.... eyes widen? I can’t really tell if those are eyes. What’s the insect word for insect-eye-balls? Anyway, he looks at me in disbelief. “Five bits? That’s all?” He asks. I nod. “Yep. Now, everyone can pay for it.” “What about regular passports?” “The Minotaur country’s making them for free since they don’t understand them.” “Minotaur country? What’s the country’s name?” “Minotaur country.” “... Minotaur Country?” “Yep.” “... They’re not too creative, are they?” “Nope.” Spearhead pokes his head in and sees the red changeling. “Oh, is that Buzz?” He asks. I look at him. “The bug’s name is Buzz?” I ask. He nods. “Yeah, nice mare,” he says. Buzz smiles at Spearhead while I grow confused. Buzz is a chick? Wow. Did not see that coming. “Thank you! You’re the first pony to say I’m nice,” she says. She looks at me with a smug grin. “It looks like there are at least some nice stallions.” “... You’re a chick?” I ask bluntly. Her expression turns back to bemusement. “Couldn’t you tell?” She asks. I shake my head. “No,” I say bluntly. She sighs. “Of course.” “I’m sorry Buzz, but can we-“ “I’m moving, I’m moving,” she says exasperatedly. I sit in my seat with a confused expression. Well, now it makes sense why she always did a female part. I lean towards the mic. “Next!” It’s almost closing time, and I only have enough time to allow a couple more entrants. I lean towards the mic. “Next!” The next entrant is- God fucking dammit, it’s Bitchface. “Hello,” she says. I groan. “Why the fuck are you back here? Forgot your book on how to get a romantic relationship?” I ask. She looks at me with surprise before she stops herself from laughing. “I’ll have to use that later,” she whispers. Okay, that’s weird. I squint my eyes. “True or false, you need a passport,” I say, Twilight smirks. “False.” “Okay, who the fuck are you?” I ask. ‘Twilight’ gasps. “Why would you-“ “Changelings are shit actors when they act like royalty,” I say. She sighs and her body alights with green fire. What stands before me is none other than the buggy bitch herself, Queen Chrysalis. She hisses at me. “Such an astute, yet foul creature,” she says. I shrug. “Yeah, that sounds like me.” “So, what would you gain for being an Equestrian lapdog?” She asks. I quirk an eyebrow. “Excuse me?” “You’re a slave in the Equestrian society.” “... I don’t think you know how negotiations work, you’re supposed to give the person in power a reason not to hurt you,” I say. Chrysalis deadpans at me. “I mean, if this is the same queen who took over Canterlot, I bet you had a string of miracles helping you,” I say. She narrows her eyes at me. “I mean, jeez, most changelings would offer ‘under the table’ services to-“ “Enough! Stop mocking me you-“ “Tell ya what, fuck off, get a passport, and I’ll see if I can let you in legally,” I say. Chrysalis blinks. She narrows her eyes at me. “What trickery are you planning ape?” “No trickery, just testing to see if you have enough brains to at least get a legal passport,” I say. She sighs. “... Fine,” she says. She leaves, grumbling under her breathe. I groan as I realize what I just did. I just gave a terrorist a second chance. Fuck my life. I lean towards the mic. “Next!” The next creature is a pink filly with a blue curly mane. Her eyes are red. She’s already giving me a bad vibe. I quirk an eyebrow. “Kid, where are your parents?” I ask. She walks up and smiles nervously. “In Equestria?” She offers. Something just feels off about her. “... Why are you here if your parents are over there?” I ask. She looks down in thought. She looks up. “Hey, I have something that might benefit us both,” she says. I roll my eyes and lean down. “What is it?” I ask. “Unlimited power, taken from the unsuspecting forces of Tartarus, and a group dedicated to my cause.” “... Alright Palpatine, tell you what. When you’re older, and your folks are okay with it, then try to cross the-“ The filly pulls up a wand, and directs it towards me. Her eyes glow, signifying power seeping out of her. “Look, my patience is running out with you, and I literally crawled out of Tartarus, how about-“ I yank the wand away from her. Pony tip one oh one, hooves have terrible grip. They can grab, somehow, but the object they grab is barely held onto. No matter how big it is. The filly looks at me in surprise as I held her leverage away from her. “Okay cupcake, what now?” I ask. She growls and puts a hoof to her mouth as she whistles. I quirk an eyebrow. “The hell?” Suddenly, an explosion rocks the Checkpoint, making me stumble and fall back. The wand slips out of my grip, and lands in the filly’s hoof. “Now, I take you hostage,” she says cheerfully. I sigh. I start to reach for the crossbow under the desk from where I’m laying, but I hear a zap before my hand slaps onto my other hand, suddenly tied together. Shit. I look up before seeing a hoof coming down onto my face. Double shit. I slowly come to, instantly recognizing the fact that I’m sitting on the ground. I lazily tilts my head up, struggling to open my eyes. Why does my head hurt so much!? Wait. The last thing I remember is... I snap my eyes open and look around. To my left, Segway sits on his haunches, his hooves in chains. We’re on the right side of the Checkpoint, in Equestrian territory. Dafuq? I look to the right, and see that my office isn’t too far away. I look ahead to see that brat in front of me, facing a crowd of ponies being held back by caution tape. At the front of the crowd, is Whisk, Spearhead, Lucky, and Celestia. “Segway you bucking idiot!” Spearhead yells. “My negotiating skills are awesome! They’re just slowly working!” Segway yells back. “Shut up!” The filly yells. “What the hell is going on!?” I yell. Everyone’s eyes fall on me. Segway chuckles nervously. “Negotiations?” He offers. I squint my eyes at him as the filly and the crowd goes back to arguing. “Tell me what the fuck you did,” I mutter. He sighs. “Well, that filly’s kind of a terrorist apparently. Then, it turns out she was from Tartarus. She held you hostage, and I offered to negotiate,” he says. I quirk an eyebrow. “So, why’re you tied up?” “She requested another hostage,” he says. I breathe in deeply. “I swear to God Segway,” I respond. “Release my subjects!” Celestia yells to the filly. “No! We need to negotiate first, until I get a much more favorable outcome!” She yells back. I sigh. “I see you guys are losing an argument to a child,” I point out loudly. “That’s what I said!” Whisk yells. I see Celestia nudge Whisk and said something into her ear. Whisk’s eyes shoot open. “Don’t do anything stupid Anon!” She yells. The filly nods. “That’s right! Don’t do anything stupid! For I, Cozy Glow, will-“ “Wait wait wait,” I interrupt. “What?” The filly says impatiently. I see Celestia glare at me and shake her head. “Your name’s Cozy Glow? That’s your name!?” I yell. She leans back as I actually get pissed. Celestia face hoofs as everyone else tenses up. “You idgits are losing an argument to a terroristic filly, whose name is Cozy fricken’ Glow!? WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL!?!?” I yell. “Shut up! I doubt your name is-“ “I know my name’s crappy! I was born in Kentucky, you could literally name a kid anything in Kentucky!” I yell. She backs off. “But your name, is fricken Cozy Glow!?” She groans and face hoofs. “So, this is what they meant when they said you were trouble.” “Who!?” “My agents, they tried to open up the border to everyone by force in December,” she says. It suddenly clicks. Shit. She’s much more dangerous than I thought. How the hell can I get out of this? I look around quickly, trying to find an escape route. If I could just get to my office. What can I do!? I’m tied up magically, and the only thing I can use is... my voice. If this land is cartoony enough, I just might be tossed aside due to my insufferable jibber jabbering. Fuck it, if I die, I wouldn’t be too terribly missed. “So, you’re the cult leader?” I ask. She giggles. “Yep! Sacrifices can go a long way when you-“ “You sucked absolute dong if you miserably failed,” I continue. She blinks and growls, pointing the wand at me. “No! I am the best! I-“ “Made a plan to blow up a wall. That’s all you planned to do at my Checkpoint.” “Anon! Stop antagonizing her!” Whisk yells fearfully. I look at her and wink with a smirk. Confusion is written on her face as I metaphorically push harder. “Well, with the Checkpoint blown up, I could unleash all of Tartarus’ demons into Equestria!” “Wow. That’s the most boring plan ever,” I comment. Cozy grinds her teeth as Celestia frantically signals me to cut this shit out. Cozy stamps a hoof into the ground. “No it’s not!” I give a mock sigh. “Oh my God, Equestria’s ruler was losing an argument to a sadistic, whiny, lunatic of a kid,” I say. Celestia places her face into hooves, trying not to send a blast of magic to shut me up. “... You know what? You’re too annoying to keep around,” Cozy says before using a wand to levitate me. When I start moving, I feel nauseated as I fly through the air, soaring above the crowd of ponies. I shut my eyes, and feel myself suddenly land in a metallic chamber. “Ow,” I whimper. I open my eyes and realize I’m in a trash can. I’m upside down. Great. I look at the bottom of the bin to see a bit. “Oh hey, a bit!” I wade through the crowds, determined to resolve this myself. Suddenly, I feel a claw grab my head and force me to look down to see a pissed off Whisk. “What were you doing!?” She yells. I sigh. “Doing something the princess should’ve done.” “And that is!?” “Knocking her the fuck out,” I respond intelligently. Whisk drags a claw down her face, trying to contain her annoyance. She shuts her eyes. “I swear to whatever deity is listening, if you-“ as she rambles with her eyes closed, I carefully slide past her and head towards the direction of my office. I finally make it to the front of the crowd, and I see Cozy has a new hostage, which is a hippogriff. I spot Spearhead next to Celestia and wade over to him. I tap him on the shoulder. He turns to me and sighs. “Anon, that stunt you pulled should have killed you,” he says with a glare. I smirk. “Come on, we both know that this is the land of magic. Literally anything is possible,” I say. He rolls his eyes, still frowning. “I don’t give a buck, you could’ve died!” He exclaims. I shrug. “Oh, by the way, can you distract her?” I ask. He quirks an eyebrow. “Why?” He asks. I smirk. “I’m gonna use the tranquilizers,” I say. He widens his eyes before smirking. “You owe me,” he says. I nod. Spearhead looks towards the filly and goes to the right. He jumps over the tape, determined. “Take me hostage! Let the hippogriff go!” He yells, drawing the filly’s attention while I sneak away. The filly shrugs, and uses her wand to levitate the hippogriff and throw him into the crowd. Celestia looks at Spearhead with sorrow as he’s levitated towards Segway. Out of the corner of her eye, however, she notices me making my way to my office, tippy-toe-ing carefully. Letting out a deep sigh, she keeps her mouth shut about my position, not wanting to needlessly bring attention towards me. She can only hope I don’t do something stupid. I quickly enter my office, and look around. I look under my desk to find my crossbow there. Thank God she didn’t move it. I grab it, and try to find the sleeping darts. I look around and find them in a drawer in a desk. I grab them, load them, and hopped through the window. I move to the the door entrants usually exit out of and crack it open to see the filly’s still arguing with the crowd, facing away from my direction. I smirk. I close the door, and bang on it. After a moment, I hear her. “Oh for the love of- Who’s there?!” An angry Cozy yells. I smile. I always wanted to say this. “FBI OPEN UP!!!” I yell, kicking the door open, which apparently knocks the filly back. Her wand was released from the sudden impact, flying in the air before landing near Celestia. Celestia looks at it in shock before quickly picking it up with her magic. She snaps it in half, which makes the remains burst into flames. I keep my crossbow trained on the dazed filly. She blinks away her confusion, and looks around. She’s trapped, and her plan ultimately failed. Her face switches to anger as she looks at me. “You asshole!” She yells. She stamps her hooves on the ground in a tantrum. “You ruined everything!” She stops to glare at me with the craziest fucking eyes I’ve ever seen, grinding her teeth. “Yeah, I tend to do that,” I say, never moving the crossbow’s aim. Cozy keeps her glare on me. “I swear, you’ll pay! You’ll all pay!” She yells. On the inside, I roll my eyes. One of Equestria’s greatest threats, is apparently a psychopathic kid. “I was so close, so close! But nooooo! I have to lose to a dumb monkey!” She yells. “I still have a crossbow trained on you,” I point out. She rolls her eyes before giving me a puppy dog face. “You wouldn’t hurt a-“ I pull the trigger to launch a dart. The sedative hits its mark on her chest. She looks down in shock before falling to her side, knocked out. “I’m seriously sick of your shit,” I remark. It’s been an hour after the situation, and Cozy’s in chains. A bit much for a kid, but I won’t complain. I sit next to Segway, who’s writing stuff down for a report or something, and Spearhead, who’s recounting his deck of cards. We sit in front of the Checkpoint on Equestria’s side, on the cement floor. I’m munching on an apple I got as I watch the various ponies around the Checkpoint go about their business. Celestia’s talking to a group of reporters, with Lucky beside her on a stool. She’s hiding the fact that she’s pissed about the stool very well. “Hey Anon, I was wondering,” Segway starts, breaking the silence between the three of us. I sigh. “Wondering about what?” I ask, taking another bite from the apple. “How did you know what to do?” He asks. I shrug. Before I could respond, Spearhead speaks. “It’s Anon, he just wings whatever he’s doing more than half the time,” Spearhead says, never looking up from his deck. “If I were to guess, he pulled everything out of his rear as he went along.” “Yep,” I confirm, taking another bite from the apple. “... Isn’t that dangerous?” Segway asks, looking at us from either side. I nod. “Yes,” Spearhead and I respond in unison. Segway looks down at his parchment in thought. The peace that was going to ensue was broken before it even started. Whisk’s coming up, and she’s pissed. “Oh shit,” I say, my expression never changing. Spearhead and Segway look up to see the angry griffon. “I’m out,” Spearhead says. “Ditto,” Segway says. “Really guys?” I ask. “After all we’ve been through?” “Anonymous!” Whisk yells. I sigh and look over to her just in time to get bitch slapped. “What did I tell you!?” She screams. “I told you to let the police handle it! But no! You charged in to do who knows what!” “But I-“ I receive another bitch slap. “No! I am not done!” Whisk yells. I rub my cheek as it stings. Yeah, I deserved that. “You just bucking charged off! Did you even have a plan!?” Whisk asks. I shake my head. “Then, why in Tartarus did you do that!? She was one of the biggest villains in Equestrian history, and you decided to antagonize her!? Did you want to die or something!?” I suppress myself from sighing. She has a right to be mad after all. I see Celestia coming up. “Excuse me miss, I-“ Whisk looks at Celestia, severely pissed off. “I DON’T GIVE A BUCK!!!” She yells. Celestia flinches away, widening her eyes. Whisk turns her rage back to me. “Don’t ever do that again you stupid, bucking idiot!” She finishes. She rushes forward to me, wrapping me in a tight hug, before sobbing into my chest. I have no fuckin’ clue on what I’m supposed to do. Do I hug her? She might rip my arms off. Saying sorry is probably about as effective as pissing in the wind. “Please, don’t ever do that again,” Whisk whimpers, before sobbing even more. I sigh. “I’m sorry I made you worry,” I try. It might be useless, but it’s something. I rub Whisk’s back, feeling the soft feathers covering her body as I try to comfort her. “... How can I make it up to you?” I ask. I hear Whisk sniff. “... You’re gonna take me to a movie tonight,” she says. I nod. “Okay,” I promise. “... Anon?” Celestia speaks, reminding me she’s here. I look up, still petting Whisk as she finally calms down. “Yeah Sunbutt?” I ask. She sighs at the nickname. “You made great risks today,” she says. I shrug. “Your apparent lack of self preservation was unsettling.” “What about Spearhead and Segway? Didn’t they do the same thing?” I ask. She shakes her head. “They’re trained to give their lives if Equestria depends on it,” she starts. “If you had waited, Twilight and her friends would get here in time to deal with the situation without too much casualty.” I grimace. “How many casualties did I cause?” I ask. Celestia sighs again. “Honestly, none, but you still put out too many risks. You-“ Suddenly, a gold chariot lands a little ways away from Celestia and I. It swerves left and right, barely avoiding ponies before it comes skidding to a halt right behind Celestia. Celestia takes a deep breath in and out before turning to see the chariot. In the chariot, was Twilight, Applejack, Fluttershy, Pinkie, Rainbow, Rarity, and Starlight. Applejack’s told me about Starlight, I hope she’s as nice as Applejack says she is. All of them look panicked and sick. I smirk. “They almost caused more casualties than I did just by getting here,” I comment. Celestia tosses me a warning glare before returning her attention to the mares in question. “Princess! I heard there was an emergency, what’s wrong?” Twilight asks in a panic. She looks around, and grows confused at the lack of an emergency situation. Not a single one of them pays any mind to the griffon that’s still hugging me. “Twilight, my faithful student, I’m pleased that you came as quickly as you could, but Anonymous has actually taken care of it already,” Celestia says. “Though, he did it in such a risky way.” Twilight sees me and narrows her eyes. “What did he do?” she says with a dangerous tone. While Celestia isn’t looking, I flip Twilight off. Twilight knows me well enough to perfectly understand what that means. “He endangered his life to subdue Cozy Glow, who had escaped from Tartarus,” Celestia informs. Twilight and her friends all gasp. Skittles flies up. “Cozy Glow escaped!? Where is she, I’ll-“ “She’s currently knocked out from a sedative injected into her because of Anon,” Spearhead says, still counting his deck of cards. Segway nods. “Yeah, you should’ve seen him,” he says. All the mares look at me with surprise. Celestia grimaces. “But, it was unnecessary and-“ “Celestia, your first negotiator allowed her to take another hostage,” I point out. Spearhead sighs and looks up. “Look, it’s not one of my best ideas-“ “It was all around stupid,” I cut in. He huffs and goes back to writing up his report. “Wait, hostages?” Rarity asks. “I was the first hostage,” I say. Applejack’s face twists with confusion.. “Wait, so, how did you-“ “I annoyed her enough to throw me aside and get a new hostage,” I explain. Applejack shakes her head. “Sugarcube, you’re weird,” she says. I nod. Starlight walks up. “Wait, how do you all know him?” She asks. Before any of them answered, I sum up my time in Ponyville. “Three of them ran me out of town for no fucking reason,” I say. She flinches as I curse, but notices no one else is reacting. “They had a petition and everything. They ran me out, tore my house down, and stole all my shit.” Starlight looks at me with horror. She turns to the six mares, who all have a look of shame. “Ask around If you don’t believe me,” I say. Starlight looks at the ground in deep thought before looking at me. “Hey, did you try to convince Cozy Glow to surrender at least?” She asks. I shake my head. “Look, Cozy Glow’s insane. Like, she’s so far off the deep end, sanity is an unwelcome guest that gets stabbed forty seven times in the chest,” I say. “That, and she was preparing to sacrifice the hostages,” Celestia adds in. I give her a shocked look. “Wait, she was actually gonna kill us?!” I exclaim. Celestia nods while all the mares are horrified. “I didn’t fucking know that!” I yell. “The point still stands, she was too far gone to be saved,” Celestia says. Starlight sighs. Twilight looks at me. She opens her mouth to say something, but nothing comes out. She closes it, and looks to Celestia. “I’ll check to see if everyone’s okay,” she says. As she walks off, Applejack, Fluttershy, and Skittles walk up. Pinkie and Rarity start talking to each other. “I admit, you got some guts!” Rainbow says. I shrug. Fluttershy, careful to not disturb the still hugging griffon, reaches over to hug me too. “Don’t risk your life like that,” she whimpers. Applejack nods. “Yeah, you should’ve waited for us!” She says. I give them all a bemused look while Fluttershy releases me from her grip. “Equestria’s ruler, a literal goddess, was losing an argument to a crazy kid,” I say. I see Celestia sigh, face hoofing. Rainbow Dash rolls her eyes. “Can you stop acting like a jerk for five minutes?” She asks. I shrug. “Not really,” I say. Whisk finally gets up, and sits beside me, next to Segway. Her eyes are a little red, and the feathers on her face are a little matted. I pat her head, and look at Twilight, who’s talking to various reporters with Lucky. “So, how’s Nurple doing?” I sarcastically ask. As Rainbow and Flutters look confused, Applejack and Celestia roll their eyes. “Anon, she hasn’t said one rude thing-“ “I’m still mad at her,” I point out. Celestia sighs yet again. “You know what? I think it would be best if you went ahead and left. I doubt you’d be much help at the moment,” she says. I nod, and get up. Whisk gets up as well, and grabs my arm. “Movies. Now,” Whisk demands, already starting to drag me. I chuckle, and allowed her to do so. The three ponies and princess watch on with various reactions. Fluttershy’s smiling faintly, Applejack’s chuckling, Rainbow’s gagging, and Celestia gives me a stern look as I leave. I have no doubt that I’ll be catching even more hell later.