Myou've Gotta be Kidding Me

by DataPacRat


Playing Games

"Safe Guard," I said, musingly, "Your assistance and instructions have been exemplary - and because of that, I'm considering increasing your Dairy security clearance level."

"But I'm already at the highes - ah. So secret that even the existence of the level itself is a secret?"

"And that sort of quick analysis is why it might be worth risking the additional exposure that informing you would bring."

"So it's still only a 'might'?"

"It's very much merely a 'might'. For just one example," I waved a hoof, "I don't even know whether you would be willing to accept memory charms to remove the most troublesome knowledge, when your possession of that knowledge creates more risk than potential benefit."

"If I were convinced that that were the best way to serve the Princesses - I would do so without hesitation."

"I believe you. Which brings us to another question - do you serve the Princesses absolutely and without question?"

"I would be offended at the question, if I hadn't learned enough about you by now to know that you intend no insult."

"So that's a 'yes'?"

"It is."

"Hypothetical scenario - both Princesses get turned into Nightmare Moon and Nightmare Sun. Would you still do as they say?"

"They would no longer be in their right minds - so I would do my best to do as they would have ordered, were they still capable of doing so."

"Hm... new scenario: The Princesses are unconscious. You can save either their lives, or the lives of everypony else in Canterlot. Which do you choose?"

"I..." He frowned. "I do not like this scenario."

"No rush. Think it over, and let me know if you come up with an answer. In the meantime - I've recalled a little game I'd like us to try to play."


"This is the '15 Game'. We start with the numbers 1 through 9 between us, and take turns claiming them. The goal is to be able to take three of your claimed numbers, and have them total up to 15 - not two, not four, but three. That means that having 1, 5, and 9 would be a win, but having 1, 2, 3, and 9 wouldn't count, nor would having 9 and 6."

"Seems... simple enough, in the absurdly complicated way you do things."

I smiled. "Ready to go?"

"Very well. 2."

"1," I instantly shot back.

"Um..." He considered. "3?"

"5," I countered without hesitation, "And now, at worst, I'll tie.

"Let's see - you've got 1 and 5, so if you got 9, you'd make a 15 - so I'll take 9 myself."

"4," I said simply.

"Er... what's left?"

"6, 7, and 8."

"Er... 8?"

"6," I announced, "and I win, with 4, 5, and 6."

"Hm. I was trying to keep you from doing anything with that 1."

"One you took the 9, that 1 wasn't going to be part of any winning trio I made. Care to try again?"

"Is there a point? You've obviously memorized some sort of strategy."

"Actually, I've never played the game before right now."

Safe stared at me for a long moment... then announced, "5. It's right in the middle, it's got to be good for something."

"It's certainly the number that's part of the greatest number of winning combinations. 3."

His brow furrowed as he concentrated, before eventually announcing, "9."

"1. Two of the remaining numbers will allow you to win, if you play perfectly; one will ensure my win; one will guarantee a draw; and one might allow me to win, but will more likely result in a draw."

"How do you know all that?"

I smiled serenely at him. He growled, then said, "6."

"Ah, the more complicated one. 4."

"So - you've got 1, 3, and 4. And what's left is 2, 7, and 8. You need a high number to get anywhere near 15, so I can ignore 2. What you've got adds up to 8, so... 7?"

"You almost pulled off a draw. 8 - which lets me assemble 3, 4, and 8 to make 15."

"Going to let me in on the secret?"

"If you really want me to tell you, I will. However, I think you would be better served if you worked it out for yourself."

"Fine. Can you at least give me a hint?"

"Hm... why don't you start by figuring out all the winning combinations?"

"This is starting to feel an awful lot like elementary school again..." Despite his complaints, in short order he'd scribbled out the list:

159
168
249
258
267
348
357
456

"Yep," I agreed, "that looks about right. You could use that as a cheat-sheet in the game. Kinda big and hard to remember, though." I looked at him expectantly.

"You really think this is something worth spending my time on?"

"There's a larger lesson this is illustrative of, yes."

"Fine." He started fiddling with his papers and numbers, and not knowing how long he might be at it, I grabbed the top item in my inbox to review.

After ten minutes or so, he stopped and stared at his paper. He squinted, ran his hoof over what he'd just written, then gave me a true glare. "You coltuva... we were just playing tic-tac-toe!"

I raised my brow. "Are you sure?"

"Sure I'm sure. Stick all the numbers on a tic-tac-toe board right, and they all add up to 15 - so when you pick three in a row, you get a winning combo."

"That's right!" I agreed. "Now why might I have put you to all this trouble to figure that out yourself?"

"... are you trying to push me to figure more things out on my own?"

"Mm, in general, yes, but I had something more specific in mind."

"That with the right secret, you can win anything?"

"Definitely not. I'll try showing why not in a moment. But for now - it's that if you have the right knowledge, a seemingly complicated problem can be transformed into a different problem, which you can already have the solution for. Or at least part of a solution. Let's try looking at a few other games."

"Do I have a choice?"

"Of course you do - you can walk out that door right now, and neither I nor the doctors will stop you."

He sighed. "Let's get it over with, then."

"Okay. To start with - here's a couple of dice. The rules are - you roll one, and I roll one, and whoever gets the higher number, wins."

"Doesn't seem like much of a game."

"What can you do to improve your chances of winning?"

"Um... nothing."

"Precisely. Now here's a different set of dice, with different numbers - this one, which I give to you, is numbered from 1 through 3, twice; and this die, which I'll keep, is numbered 2, 3, and 4, twice. What are your odds of winning now?"

"Not as good as before. And I still can't do anything but roll and hope for the best."

"Excellent! An exact analysis. Snakes and ladders?"

"Still just rolling and seeing what happens."

"True. So let's go for something more complicated - one-deck Blackjack, where you're given all the time you want, and all the note-paper you desire, as you try to decide whether to stand or hit."

"Well - I suppose I could note down all the cards as they're shown, and work out the exact odds for what the next card would be, and then do whatever gives me the best chances."

"Very good. So how about going back to tic-tac-toe?"

"Once you've worked out how to play - well, you always know what the best move is."

"Checkers? Assuming you were as immortal as the Princesses."

"I... guess you could still work out all the possible games, and find out whatever the best strategy actually was."

"Chess."

I got an unexpected smile from him. "That's my favorite - I was even in a few tournaments, before I joined the Royal Guard."

"We'll have to play, sometime. For the moment...?"

"Well - there are a lot of possible positions on a chess board. It might take even longer than the Princesses have lived to figure them all out."

"Much longer, I suspect. So if you can't do that...?"

"Then - you work out the best lines of attack you can find, and study your opponent to find out what they're weakest against."

"Poker."

"Not really my game. It's all bluff and counter-bluff - the cards almost don't matter."

I nodded. "We can get into it more another time. So - what general sorts of strategies have we mentioned so far?"

He considered. "There's none at all, just taking your best chance; and there's analyzing the game for whatever strategy is best; and there's analyzing your opponent for whatever works against them."

I nodded again. "Seems about right. So here's the big question: if someone ties you to a chair and forces you to play a game you never wanted to... what should you do?"

"Beat the manure out of whoever's forcing you."

I smiled - truly happy. "I do believe your clearance is going to be approved, after all. There's just one final test to go through."


White: Safe Guard
Black: Doctor Missy

1.e4

Safe: "Eh, let's just start with a Kings Pawn opening."

1... e5

Missy: "I can live with a King's pawn game, they're common enough."


2.Bc4

Safe: "Okay, how about a Bishop's opening?"

2... Bc5

Missy: "If you can remember how to run through classical variation."

Safe: "What, are you just mirroring all my moves? Can't you come up with anything better than that outdated defense?"


3.Qe2

Missy: "Going defensive already?"

3... Nf6

Safe: "At least you're not going for an amateurish open game, even if you did block your own queen."


4.d3 Nc6

Safe: "I've got thirty-eight possible moves, to your thirty-six - and I have three more squares covered than you, as well. Are you sure you know what you're doing?"

Missy: "It's still early."


5.c3 Ne7

Safe: "Retreating so soon? Bo-ring. All this defense is foolish for you, and the opening's almost over."


6.f4 exf4

Safe: "Why do you know such a classic opening, anyway?"

Missy: "I'm happy as long as I avoid the obvious mistakes I could have played."


7.d4 Bb6

Safe: "You've just lost half a move with that defense."

Missy: "Maybe - but it's the only move I could have made without losing a major piece or position."


8.Bxf4 d6

Safe: "You're looking really uncoordinated - I've got superior position and defense, and am up eight squares on mobility and coverage."


9.Bd3

Missy: "Now who's giving up a half-move to continue their defense? If I were you, I'd have attacked my knight, a sacrifice but getting better control of the center - and picking up half a move."

9... Ng6
10.Be3

Safe: "Tremble at my impenetrable defense!"

10... 0–0

Missy: "You're playing white - by the time the opening ends, white's not supposed to be defending. And now I've got a clear advantage in the center."


11.h3 Re8

Missy: "And now you're guaranteed to lose at least a minor piece - and since you still need to castle, you're going to lose another half a move later."


12.Nd2 Qe7

Missy: "Looks like you're trying for a queen-side castle... but I have a three-kill lane in the center which you can't defend against."

Safe: "But if you take it, you open yourself up to a quick mate."


13.0–0–0 c5

Safe: "The opening hasn't gone well for you - I've still got a clear advantage."

Missy: "Except there are over a dozen different gambits to try, now that we're hitting midgame."


14.Kb1 cxd4

Missy: "What are you trying?"

Safe: "Isn't it obvious? I'm in a strong counter-strike position - if you make one wrong move, I can end the game."


15.cxd4 a5

Missy: "I still can't figure out why you moved into a defense."

Safe: "It's not mystery - your play is inexperienced, and when you attack, you'll make a mistake, leaving me free to win."


16.Ngf3 Bd7

Missy: "Time to start worrying - you made some mistakes yourself early, and now you need to start losing pieces, and can't attack with so many majors blocked."

Safe: "Eh, soon as you take my rook-pawn or bishop-pawn, my attack will be unblocked."


17.g4 h6

Missy: "And now my king is better defended than yours."


18.Rdg1

Missy: "Wouldn't moving your pawn to g5 have been stronger?"

18...a4

Safe: "Who needs that strength, when your pawn-feint is so obvious?"

Missy: "It may be obvious, but you can't attack it without losing another half-move by moving to defend."


19.g5 hxg5

Safe: "Your king's in danger, from a Queen-support attack, but mine is perfectly safe."

Missy: "You're clearly losing, but I'll admit that was a decent sacrifice to free your rook."


20.Bxg5 a3

Safe: "Locking up your pawn was a really stupid move."

Missy: "If you say so. Forces you to lose another half-turn, though."


21.b3 Bc6

Safe: "What, you're going on the defensive, now?"

Missy: "Unless I'm suckering you in. Can you tell which it might be?"


22.Rg4 Ba5
23.h4 Bxd2

Missy: "I don't think I like your gambit - so I'm doing something else entirely."

Safe: "You're delaying a turn and sacrificing your bishop, just to make me change my defense?"

Missy: "And forcing either your knight or queen to be totally out of position."


24.Nxd2 Ra5
25.h5 Rxg5

Safe: "Ah, now I see your plan. You're fulfilling the Bishop's game, taking an unimportant piece for your rook."


26.Rxg5 Nf4

Safe: "I've been setting up my rook-queen attack for a dozen moves - and now you've finally made your mistake. You've given me a clear advantage here to mate!"


27.Qf3 Nxd3

Missy: "And so the endgame begins - a race for a mate."

Safe: "Not much of a race; all you've got is a slow knight attack, supported just by that blocked pawn - compared to my big rook-queen attack."


28.d5 Nxd5
29.Rhg1 Nc3+

Missy: "Check. Why didn't you go after my knight, and end the mate-threat?"

Safe: "I wasn't afraid of it - and it would have lost me position and time."


30.Ka1 Bxe4

Safe: "I know that was a botch - you could have used your knight instead of the bishop to capture that pawn, I'd have had to move my rook to g7 to check, and you could have had... a slightly better chance of winning."


31.Rxg7+

Safe: "Check. And you've only got a single move."

31...Kh8

Missy: "And after making it - almost certainly checkmate in seven for me, checkmate in eight for you. Too little, too late."

Safe: "What? Where?! I don't believe you - you're just trying to psych me out and get me to surrender early."

Missy: "I don't mind playing it through if you don't."


32.Qg3 Bg6

Missy: "I planned this sacrifice many moves ago."

Safe: "You were right about one thing - I do get to mate you in seven more turns."


33.hxg6 Qe1+

Safe: "Wait, what? You're sacrificing your queen?"

Missy: "Certainly. It buys me just enough time."


34.Rxe1 Rxe1+
35.Qxe1 Nxe1
36.Rh7+ Kg8
37.gxf7+ Kxh7
38.f8=Q Nc2+
39.Kb1 Nb1 mate.

Missy: "Checkmate."


Safe sighed. "I guess I don't get that security clearance after all."

"What? Of course you do. The test wasn't to beat me - though that certainly wouldn't have hurt. It was simply for you to show you had a reasonable level of skill at strategizing, of adapting to unexpected events, of trying to find new solutions to old problems... and all that jazz. Though in that queens-and-rooks exchange, you really should have avoided the whole thing - you could have won, if, instead of taking my queen, you'd moved your knight next to your king, and then promoted your pawn to a knight."

"Mind if we work that through?"

"Not at all."

34.Nb1 Kxg7
35.gxf7+ Qxg3
36.fxe8=N+ Kf8
37.Rxg3.

Safe snorted. "So when you said checkmate in seven..."

"... I was trying to create a self-fulfilling prophecy. Seems to have worked, too - though I doubt I'll manage to pull the same trick on you again. Anyway - we're going to need to get a conference room properly secured, so that we can get your promotion effected without too many voyeurs trying to listen in. Isn't that right, girls?"

There was a long silence. Finally, a small, girly voice whispered, "How did she know we were here? I was sure we were hidden and silent..."

I wasn't going to tell them that their camouflage and stealth had been absolutely perfect - I really hadn't seen or heard the slightest trace of them. After all, there was playing the basic rules - and then there was playing the players.